Did you know that having a door is a privilege....

[Laura Corin]

 

It's a dangerous habit, I've had my fingers slammed in car doors before.

 

But, I understand that not everyone sees it that way.

 

So to the OP, I think you acted in a very appropriate way.

 

Faith

 

I agree that it can be dangerous. I just don't approach the issue in the same way.

 

Laura

[kalphs]

that can be lost by slamming that door?

 

(my 12 yo dd is not going to enjoy this week)

You sound like the mom in the movie "Freaky Friday."

:D

[fairfarmhand]

You sound like the mom in the movie "Freaky Friday."

:D

 

 

never seen that movie...not sure whether that is a compliment or not.

[fairfarmhand]

That's great, but not everyone is apparently so blessed. When I sat down with above-referenced dd (who was 15 at the time) and discussed with her the fact that we had bought fans at her request in an attempt to cool the upstairs but that it would not work without having the open doors and the cross-ventilation, and that her brother and sister, as well as her parents, were also suffering from the heat, and she calmly replied, "I won't keep it open, I'd rather be hot," well, she didn't get to be so selfish. :D

 

Tara

 

 

our dd's HAVE to be clones.

[fairfarmhand]

Laura

 

hugs?.....she would slap me. Really. This kid gets SO physical when she is angry. I've wondered if we've needed psychiatric intervention before but then I remember what my mil has told me about my dh's growing up years.

 

And he turned out totally normal.

[fairfarmhand]

I mean, it's not like she's going "well F you!" or hitting somebody or breaking something of mine or doing something REALLY bad.

 

 

but you see, I do see it that she is saying those words with her actions. I'm taking the intent....the heart of her actions. The door slamming is a manifestation of rebellion. If she said, " I need to go out and run laps before I explode." or was punching a pillow or doing some vigorous cleaning, I could handle that. But I perceive a slammed door as disrespect, especially when she's been told not to do so.

Edited September 21, 2010 by fairfarmhand

[mommyagain]

but you see, I do see it that she is saying those words with her actions. I'm taking the intent....the heart of her actions. The door slamming is a manifestation of rebellion. If she said, " I need to go out and run laps before I explode." or was punching a pillow or doing some vigorous cleaning, I could handle that. But I perceive a slammed door as disrespect, especially when she's been told not to do so.

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Door slamming and the like are "gateway" behaviors that if undealt with will quickly lead to the worse behavior. Removing the door is actually a calm and creative natural consequence.

Believe me I wish I had thought of that. You don't want to be in a position to have to lock yourself in your own bedroom to call the police on a totally out of control teenager:crying:!!!

[jamnkats]

That's great, but not everyone is apparently so blessed. When I sat down with above-referenced dd (who was 15 at the time) and discussed with her the fact that we had bought fans at her request in an attempt to cool the upstairs but that it would not work without having the open doors and the cross-ventilation, and that her brother and sister, as well as her parents, were also suffering from the heat, and she calmly replied, "I won't keep it open, I'd rather be hot," well, she didn't get to be so selfish. :D

 

Tara

 

You know I really don't think it is an issue of being "blessed". We parent our kids with respect. We get respect back. It seems pretty simple to me. They are always allowed to say "no" and have a voice in family decisions. I've not had the horrifically rebelling teen nor the destructive teen - IMO, because they dont' NEED to go there. They know they are respected and heard and are not stifled to "obey".

 

I dunno. Maybe I'm really lucky or it is all coincidental that we've raised them this way and they're turning out the way they are. I would tend to believe it is the way they're raised but really there are no guarantees.

 

I'd say your teen needs to be heard. I don't think she's going to be heard by you taking her door off her room, but you probably have very different goals in raising your kids than I do.

[Haiku]

You know I really don't think it is an issue of being "blessed". We parent our kids with respect.

 

As do we.

 

 

We get respect back.

 

As do we, usually.

 

I've not had the horrifically rebelling teen nor the destructive teen

 

Neither have I, although my dd has struggled mightily with post-adoption issues and depression.

 

I'd say your teen needs to be heard. I don't think she's going to be heard by you taking her door off her room, but you probably have very different goals in raising your kids than I do.

 

I seriously doubt I have different goals. We're both striving to raise happy, healthy, secure kids with the tools to succeed in life, right? My child gets heard. She gets a say in most things. But when her desire to do things her way affects the well-being of the rest of the family, I draw the line. My dd is, for the most part, after some hard adoption-related struggles, a pleasant young woman. Sometimes she acts unreasonably, and I've finally (finally, after years of beating myself up for not being the perfect mom to a wounded child) learned that I don't have to let her walk on me. Perhaps you disapprove of my handling of the situation, but I have to say that I am proud of the mom I have become to this child (after years of counseling), the relationship we have built, and the young woman she's growing to be. And that's good enough for me.

 

All this to say, if you have kids who've not been traumatized before joining your family, yes, you are blessed. Sorry, that's probably more of an earful than you wanted.

 

Tara

[QueenCat]

I could get some of those Hippie Bead thingies....no slamming possible.

 

Gives privacy and nothing can get slammed! Like it!

[stripe]

My parents put small pieces of sponge on the top of my door when I was a kid. It prevented slamming, yet I still had a door.

 

What would you do if your child didn't actually like privacy? Or if you have another child (or adult) in the home who might look at that child, say, during clothes changing or whatever and therefore opens the door (pardon the pun) to more problems?

 

I just think taking off a door is a bit extreme and combative, and I don't see how it really solves anything except the door slamming, which I doubt is really the problem. I guess it shows "I'm the boss" ?

[mommyagain]

As do we.

 

 

 

As do we, usually.

 

 

 

Neither have I, although my dd has struggled mightily with post-adoption issues and depression.

 

 

 

I seriously doubt I have different goals. We're both striving to raise happy, healthy, secure kids with the tools to succeed in life, right? My child gets heard. She gets a say in most things. But when her desire to do things her way affects the well-being of the rest of the family, I draw the line. My dd is, for the most part, after some hard adoption-related struggles, a pleasant young woman. Sometimes she acts unreasonably, and I've finally (finally, after years of beating myself up for not being the perfect mom to a wounded child) learned that I don't have to let her walk on me. Perhaps you disapprove of my handling of the situation, but I have to say that I am proud of the mom I have become to this child (after years of counseling), the relationship we have built, and the young woman she's growing to be. And that's good enough for me.

 

All this to say, if you have kids who've not been traumatized before joining your family, yes, you are blessed. Sorry, that's probably more of an earful than you wanted.

 

Tara

Thank you, Tara!!!! All my children are adopted and we've had to go through things that nightmares are made of!

[Barb_]

I guess it shows "I'm the boss" ?

 

Some kids are actually looking for that. There are certain personalities who are always struggling to figure out who is alpha. I was one as a child. I have two of my own. I recognize the behavior because I lived it. My other five children respond to positive parenting, gentle voices, and discussion. Even the two alpha-wannabees respond to the same about 3/4 of the time, but they have their issues. When the pendulum swings back to the alpha struggle, they need a firm voice and a line in the sand. They respect nothing less.

 

Barb

[Teachin'Mine]

Glad I wasn't drinking or eating when I read your post! Thanks for the laugh! Now you all have me looking forward to the time when we might be able to use this! :lol:

 

It helped my dd to put her consequence of internet restrictions, appropriate for the offense, into perspective. :D

[Pamela H in Texas]

the temper tantrums are a regular thing for her.

 

Then upping the punishments is probably not working for her. And what will you do next?

 

Again, I don't think removing the door is a horrible thing though it would be pretty far down the list for me (and since my kids are older, I guess we don't need to worry about it).

 

I have a child who would easily have taken the cake as one of the most challenging kiddos around and had an alphabet soup of dxes to boot (and I had a foster who was dealing with RAD). I *had* to learn to do better discipline rather than relying on typical parenting strategies which would have worked fine with my other kiddo (and with most others I've parented, fostered, and cared for otherwise).

 

It sounds like you may need to go another direction with this kiddo if the punishments aren't working. The great thing about disciplining (teaching/guiding/relationship building/giving life skills/etc) is that as you work WITH the child, there are all sorts of benefits. First, it's just plain more peaceful 99+% of the time. Even when something has to be dealt with, it seems so. Additionally, it builds the child's skills so they don't have to seek attention inappropriately, react unacceptably, and work against you. It tells the kid they are worth it (worth trying harder, worth trying different, worth collaboration, etc).

 

Now, of course, though there are all these neat things, it's not perfect. But if you can work with a 3yo or 12yo to help them, things will largely be more pleasant with the teenager. Additionally, they'll have what they need to be happy, healthy, contributing members of society. There WILL be bumps along the way. My 15yo made a large mistake and was a bit grumpy for a couple weeks a few months back. But it wasn't an ongoing issue. We didn't allow it to be. And honestly, punishment, though a consideration considering the seriousness of the offense, just would have been pay back, not productive.

 

Again, many kids do just fine with typical parenting including lectures, a yell here and there, spanking, and various other punishments on occasion. But sometimes, some kids just need better. If there are ongoing issues as some of the above posts suggest, it just may mean that you have to do differently for this kiddo. It will so be worth it. I have teenagers (one comes of age this week!) and have found the teen years THE best, even with a kiddo that needed a bit more direction (and a lot more consistency and strictness than average). It can be done with very little, if any, punishment. And why NOT go that direction, esp if the way you've done it so far hasn't worked?

[Alphabetika]

I had a problem with door-slamming when I was this age, and once I slammed my bedroom door so hard that the full-length mirror on the back of it shattered. My dad took my door off for a couple of weeks as punishment. VERY effective. I don't think I've slammed a door since.

[justasque]

Seriously, though, I am not being smart alecky, I am genuinely curious...what do you do with a temper tantruming pre-teen?

 

Answering only because you asked, NOT to judge anyone's parenting. I believe that kids (and moms) are all different, and what works for one may or may not work for another.

 

Short term: I get really calm. Give her my full attention. Identify the feeling, to help her know I am listening and trying to understand. Tell her she is loved. Ask her if there is anything I can do to help. Try to get to the heart of what is bothering her - which may or may not be the "trigger" issue. Determine if her blood sugar is low. Consider possible hormonal influences. Is she tired? Has she had a crazy couple of days? Is she dealing with "growing up" issues of one kind or another (such as issues with friends). (These don't excuse the behavior, but they are factors that must be dealt with.) Explain the boundaries. "I am willing to help you, but I don't want to be yelled at." Assure her that we will work together to deal with the problem(s). If she is mad at something I decided, identify the feeling, give her the space to talk about it, and share my own feelings about it. ("I really wanted to go to that activity too, and I wasn't happy to cancel, but <explain reasoning>.")

 

Long term: After she has calmed down from the tantrum, we discuss the behavior. I try to help her determine what triggered her loss of control. I want to help her learn to notice and mitigate the triggers *before* the behavior is out of control. I tell her she is loved. I ask again about her concerns, and see what I can do to address them now that things are calmer. I try to model the behavior you want from her in your interactions with others. (If we're talking 12 year old girl, it's time to discuss PMS - how to recognize the mood swings it can bring, and how to deal with them. I've found these PMS days can begin *months* before menarche. "The things you're feeling are real, but they can feel worse at certain times. When that happens, the best thing to do is to wait a day, and if you still feel the same, *then* address them calmly.") If it's social issues, we discuss the feelings, consider what the others are feeling and why they are acting the way they are, discuss the choices available and the possible consequences for each one.

 

I try not to escalate the conflict or turn it into a power struggle. I try to be super-calm. The more out of control the child is, the more calm and in control I need to be.

 

I ask myself how I would react if a good friend had a similar feeling/problem/behavior. My tween child is NOT an adult and our relationship is NOT the same as a friendship of peers, but it's a good exercise that often yields useful insight.

 

I hug her (when she's ok with that). Tell her she is loved. Listen to her feelings. Emphasize. Brainstorm solutions. Differentiate between feelings and behavior - it's OK to feel angry, it's not OK to tantrum.

 

I try to prevent tantrum triggers by considering sleep, blood sugar, crazy schedule, etc. in advance and taking into account her needs. I give my kids gradually more and more control over their own lives as they grow older.

 

I found "Raising Your Spirited Child" to be extremely helpful, as well as "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk".

 

I have so many more tools in my parenting toolbox since I started to look at "discipline" as "teaching my child" rather than punishment. It has been *hard* to learn these skills - it's not the easiest path, but I have found that the skills carry over to other relationships, and it's been well worth it.

 

Not saying this will work for every kid.

[tampamommy]

This is a marvelous (!) thread. LOLOLOL

[Lizzie in Ma]

I grew up knowing it and my kids know it perfectly well.

An excellent consequence for an unacceptable action.

[Kari C in SC]

You know I really don't think it is an issue of being "blessed". We parent our kids with respect. We get respect back. It seems pretty simple to me. They are always allowed to say "no" and have a voice in family decisions. I've not had the horrifically rebelling teen nor the destructive teen - IMO, because they dont' NEED to go there. They know they are respected and heard and are not stifled to "obey".

 

I dunno. Maybe I'm really lucky or it is all coincidental that we've raised them this way and they're turning out the way they are. I would tend to believe it is the way they're raised but really there are no guarantees.

 

I'd say your teen needs to be heard. I don't think she's going to be heard by you taking her door off her room, but you probably have very different goals in raising your kids than I do.

 

I have not read the whole thread. Twice while I was raising my oldest ds, he lost his ever loving mind and locked me out of his room. He was probably 13, 6 feet tall and a raging hormone machine. There was NO REASONING with him. He wanted his way period. I was not going to tolerate a 6 foot tall 200 lb tantrum. He lost his door. I could have listened to him until the cows came home. He was being unreasonable. He was 21 in March. He grew into an amazing man. Recently, I was talking with his Army roommate. I was saying how I regret some of our hard times when he was around 13. His roommate they had discussed at length how each of their parents were harder on them and how they were THANKFUL for it. He said that my ds said he was being a punk at the time and he needed us to push hard. My point is that this may work very well for you, but that does not make it the only and correct way. It does not mean your family is better or you are raising your kids better. I was heavy handed with my son. He grew to be an amazing soldier and many, many told me after he died how often he spoke of his parents.

[Haiku]

He grew to be an amazing soldier and many, many told me after he died how often he spoke of his parents.

 

:grouphug:

 

Tara

[Harriet Vane]

I have not read the whole thread. Twice while I was raising my oldest ds, he lost his ever loving mind and locked me out of his room. He was probably 13, 6 feet tall and a raging hormone machine. There was NO REASONING with him. He wanted his way period. I was not going to tolerate a 6 foot tall 200 lb tantrum. He lost his door. I could have listened to him until the cows came home. He was being unreasonable. He was 21 in March. He grew into an amazing man. Recently, I was talking with his Army roommate. I was saying how I regret some of our hard times when he was around 13. His roommate they had discussed at length how each of their parents were harder on them and how they were THANKFUL for it. He said that my ds said he was being a punk at the time and he needed us to push hard. My point is that this may work very well for you, but that does not make it the only and correct way. It does not mean your family is better or you are raising your kids better. I was heavy handed with my son. He grew to be an amazing soldier and many, many told me after he died how often he spoke of his parents.

 

:grouphug:

[Miss Marple]

I have not read the whole thread. Twice while I was raising my oldest ds, he lost his ever loving mind and locked me out of his room. He was probably 13, 6 feet tall and a raging hormone machine. There was NO REASONING with him. He wanted his way period. I was not going to tolerate a 6 foot tall 200 lb tantrum. He lost his door. I could have listened to him until the cows came home. He was being unreasonable. He was 21 in March. He grew into an amazing man. Recently, I was talking with his Army roommate. I was saying how I regret some of our hard times when he was around 13. His roommate they had discussed at length how each of their parents were harder on them and how they were THANKFUL for it. He said that my ds said he was being a punk at the time and he needed us to push hard. My point is that this may work very well for you, but that does not make it the only and correct way. It does not mean your family is better or you are raising your kids better. I was heavy handed with my son. He grew to be an amazing soldier and many, many told me after he died how often he spoke of his parents.

 

Well said! :grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

I think that some kids need the "push back" to let them know who is really in charge. For these kids, a hug and talking just does not work. Try to describe these kids to someone who doesn't have one and they look at you like you've got two heads. I call my daughter my intense child. I think God has great things planned for her and I can't wait to see where she goes in life.

 

When we get to these situations, she is quite aware that she is being a stinker and needs some limits.

[rafiki]

.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Twice while I was raising my oldest ds, he lost his ever loving mind and locked me out of his room. He was probably 13, 6 feet tall and a raging hormone machine. There was NO REASONING with him. He wanted his way period. I was not going to tolerate a 6 foot tall 200 lb tantrum. He lost his door. I could have listened to him until the cows came home. He was being unreasonable.

 

Again, I'm not totally against the door removing as I see it as logical.

 

However, I typically don't punish for the "lost his ever loving mind" type things. My daughter was THE easiest child on the whole face of the earth. At 9yrs old, she called her father lazy. We about fell over. Though we did discipline, we didn't punish. Seriously, if that is the worst thing she could come up with in 9 years of life, we were doing pretty well. BTW, she turns 18 this week and it's still the worst thing she has ever come up with. LOL

 

And *I* certainly am not perfect! It's so weird to me how children get punished for each mess up when that just doesn't happen in real life. In real life, I can have a fit with no real consequence other than needing to say I'm sorry for any mistakes made during the fit (usually, I lock myself away so that isn't an issue, but many parents on this board seem to believe kids shouldn't be allowed to do that <sigh>).

 

BUT, in the end, the great majority of us are going to do whatever we're going to do and our kids are going to turn out just fine because of it and despite it. And we probably won't agree on whether it was because or despite either :)

Edited September 22, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Twinmom]

All this to say, if you have kids who've not been traumatized before joining your family, yes, you are blessed. Sorry, that's probably more of an earful than you wanted.

 

:iagree:

 

Wow, some of you all would be absolutely shocked and likely call CPS on me for some of the things I have had to do while parenting my delightful yet challenging child who experienced trauma and probable substance exposure prior to joining our family. Things that were supported by multiple therapists and doctors, btw.

 

A loving parent disciplines a child who needs it. Once, I was naive enough to believe that love and respect were all that were needed, but then I actually HAD children! Love and respect are critical; however, when a child is outwardly rebellious, discipline appropriate to THAT child must be applied. Most of us home school in part because we believe that education should be able to be tailored to the needs of the specific child...why not discipline? Some of us have wonderfully compliant children by their nature; others do not. Some have both within the same family. We do what we can/must!

 

Oh, and to the OP...you might be interested to know that taking the door off of a room was a sanctioned disciplinary technique in a treatment facility for adolescents in which I was once a therapist. It was sanctioned because it was considered non-abusive and it worked! The child had other means of privacy for changing clothes, bathroom needs, etc...but the bedroom door could and would be taken off when the privilege of privacy was not earned. I removed many a door for slamming, contraband, etc. and it worked...every time! :D

Edited September 22, 2010 by Twinmom

[kalphs]

never seen that movie...not sure whether that is a compliment or not.

It's a compliment.

[Gratia271]

I have not read the whole thread. Twice while I was raising my oldest ds, he lost his ever loving mind and locked me out of his room. He was probably 13, 6 feet tall and a raging hormone machine. There was NO REASONING with him. He wanted his way period. I was not going to tolerate a 6 foot tall 200 lb tantrum. He lost his door. I could have listened to him until the cows came home. He was being unreasonable. He was 21 in March. He grew into an amazing man. Recently, I was talking with his Army roommate. I was saying how I regret some of our hard times when he was around 13. His roommate they had discussed at length how each of their parents were harder on them and how they were THANKFUL for it. He said that my ds said he was being a punk at the time and he needed us to push hard. My point is that this may work very well for you, but that does not make it the only and correct way. It does not mean your family is better or you are raising your kids better.

 

:iagree: That was my brother.

 

I think that some kids need the "push back" to let them know who is really in charge. For these kids, a hug and talking just does not work. Try to describe these kids to someone who doesn't have one and they look at you like you've got two heads. I call my daughter my intense child. I think God has great things planned for her and I can't wait to see where she goes in life. When we get to these situations, she is quite aware that she is being a stinker and needs some limits.

 

People who are raising "compliant" children will not understand where you are coming from. My two older siblings were not compliant, whereas I was. My parents talked ad nauseum with them, listened ad nauseum to them (it constituted most of my upbringing). It did not change anything. The wrong person cared.

 

My mother removed my door when I was a teenager. To this day it has stuck with me, still hurts me, and changed our relationship forever. I will NEVER do that to my kids.

 

There is no perfect parent or child. FWIW, if my parents would have handled me that way, it would have hurt me tremedously too. I was a compliant child with respect to my parents. OTOH, I wish my parents would have done this kind of thing with my older siblings who levelled our home and our daily lives throughout their selfish adolescent years. It seems that parents "learn" from their mistakes with older children then apply that knowledge to the youngers. The problem with that paradigm is different personalities require different methods. It is not a one-size-fits-all for children. Because of my noncompliant siblings, my parents were very hard on me. BUT I did not need that approach because I was compliant with them. I would have benefited from the listening and talking approach, but they were listened out and talked out from my older sister who could not have cared less. Notwithstanding all of that, I am close to my parents because I realized how much my older siblings took from them. They are just human, like me. We parents do the best job we can, and I hope my children can look beyond my foibles to see how much I love them today and years from now.

[Mejane]

I'm a door-slammer from way back. No one removed my door, but they probably should have. Perhaps I wouldn't still be doing it at 50.

[Haiku]

My mother removed my door when I was a teenager. To this day it has stuck with me, still hurts me, and changed our relationship forever.

 

I don't know anything about the totality of your childhood experience or your parents' way of raising you, so I am not casting aspersions at you personally. However, I have seen people say this about many different things: lying about Santa Claus, making them walk somewhere instead of giving a ride after the child was mouthy, taking the door off the hinges, etc. My mom did something when I was in school that I still consider ridiculous: she grounded me for an entire quarter my freshman year because I got a B in Advanced English. In my house, it was A's or else. I still don't understand what would have possessed my mother to do such a thing, but that was YEARS ago. To let it continue to affect my relationship with her would, imo, be totally counter-productive. My mother loved me, and she did her best to raise me well. She made mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. If my kids grow up to look back on a few things I made mistakes on and say that they forever altered our relationship, well, honestly, I will say that's their problem for still holding a grudge. I hope that my kids are more flexible and forgiving than that.

 

Tara

[Giraffe]

I've not read the whole thread, but I will say that my mother threatened it, once, and I never slammed my door again. When my mom threatened, she carried through, and I knew it.

 

I think kids need boundaries and to know that we will honor what we promise them, good and bad. I've promised DD to start teaching her to read today. I will follow through. I've promised her that if she disobeys, there will be consequences. So far the consequences are benign (we're leaving the store, no ice cream after dinner, etc.), but I'm hoping that consistency will be my savior when the going gets tough.

[Haiku]

I'm hoping that consistency will be my savior when the going gets tough.

 

Honestly, it depends on your kid's personality. I have been consistent with my 8 year old from day 1. However, she's the type to push and push and push, so we still have struggles. She's a great, bright, loving kid who reallyreallyreallyreallyreally likes to push the boundaries. :D

 

Tara

[Gratia271]

Honestly, it depends on your kid's personality. I have been consistent with my 8 year old from day 1. However, she's the type to push and push and push, so we still have struggles. She's a great, bright, loving kid who reallyreallyreallyreallyreally likes to push the boundaries. :D

 

Tara

 

Could have written that about my daughter.

[Daisy]

We've always punished door slamming as disrespectful though I tend to take a different approach. You want to slam doors, you can scrub all the doors in the house and make them squeaky clean. I like punishments that save me work.

 

I don't think removing the door would faze my 11yo. Actually I think she would like it and beg me to leave it off. :D She has a little bit of Pan's lost boys in her. Ditto with the bed. Her #1 request on her birthday wish list was for me to take her bed away so she could sleep on the floor. UUGH. LOL.

[fairfarmhand]

We've always punished door slamming as disrespectful though I tend to take a different approach. You want to slam doors, you can scrub all the doors in the house and make them squeaky clean. I like punishments that save me work.

 

I don't think removing the door would faze my 11yo. Actually I think she would like it and beg me to leave it off. :D She has a little bit of Pan's lost boys in her. Ditto with the bed. Her #1 request on her birthday wish list was for me to take her bed away so she could sleep on the floor. UUGH. LOL.

 

 

I can just hear it "You'd better straighten up missy or I'm putting that door right back up there! And If that doesn't work, you're gonna have to sleep in a BED tonight!"

:lol::lol::lol:

[Amy in NH]

My kids don't have a door on their room to slam.

 

We always end up in fixer-upper houses, so that's how it started. Doing construction to the room when we moved in, the door was removed to make construction easier, or to fix the door. Because we have bigger problems around the house than putting a door back on the kids room, it just never got put back on. And now we like it that way. Plus, the 4 kids share a room, so there isn't any privacy in there anyway. If they need privacy, they can go in the bathroom.

 

And, honestly, I'd rather not give them a way to cut themselves off from the family. I knew of too many teens (me included) who used that closed bedroom door to withdraw from being an active part of my own very nice family.

[Daisy]

I can just hear it "You'd better straighten up missy or I'm putting that door right back up there! And If that doesn't work, you're gonna have to sleep in a BED tonight!"

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Exactly! Don't think I haven't said the latter. :lol:

[Renee in NC]

...

Edited September 22, 2010 by Renee in FL

[Nakia]

Tara, I just want to say I agree with every single post you have made on this thread.

 

I don't really believe there are that many naturally compliant children. My most compliant daughter is the one who is my strong willed child. But parented with love and NATURAL CONSEQUENCES (and an occasional good ole fashioned spanking), she has learned to control herself. She is my oldest that I have posted about who is just an awesome little person. She's still as strong willed as ever, but she has learned how to use that strong will for good. It didn't come naturally, and like a pp's child, if I try to hug her when she is angry, she fights. I'm the exact same way. When I'm angry, do not attempt to touch me. Guess we will see what her teen years bring. :001_smile:

 

We all do make mistakes, and if the worst one I every make is letting my children suffer what I believe is a natural consequence of slamming a door in my face, then I am not worried. ;)

[rafiki]

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[Haiku]

I see removing a door as a parent's angry response "I'll fix you . . .", it does nothing to improve the parent child relationship and get to the heart of the issue. What's the next "punishment", where does one go from there?

 

I don't view punishment as constantly upping the ante. I respond to individual situations individually, not cumulatively, and I see punishment (when I use it) as the consequence of a child refusing to work together for the good of the family, especially in the case of my dd and her door. I'm not plotting my next bigger punishment, my dh simply removed her door because we were attempting to cool the upstairs down and dd kept shutting her door (and she has a bathroom in her bedroom AND a walk-in closet, neither of which dh and I are privileged to have, so the whole "But where will she change in private???" thing is moot). This whole thing happened in July, and when I asked her yesterday why she wouldn't keep the door open, her response was the same as it was then: "I didn't want to." No elaboration. Ok, whatevs. I'm Mom, and the welfare of the family as a whole trumps your whim. And I'm cool with that. :)

 

Tara

[fairfarmhand]

I see removing a door as a parent's angry response "I'll fix you . . .", it does nothing to improve the parent child relationship and get to the heart of the issue. What's the next "punishment", where does one go from there?

 

 

well, if it was done in anger that might be the case. In this case, the child was warned multiple times ahead of time what would happen if the door was slammed. I was neither angry nor punitive. In fact, the door didn't come off till last evening. I called my dh at work and told him what needed to be done. After he came in from work, changed shoes, ate dinner, he matter of factly went to the garage, retrieved a hammer and screwdriver and disconnected the door. Nobody really said a word about it since EVERYONE was aware of the reason for it. She knows that behavior has consequences. If this was not a continual pattern I would overlook an occasional door slamming. But it is a pattern.

 

I anticipate that this will not be a common occurrence at my house. This is the first time we've ever done it. I'm sure she will either find appropriate outlets for frustration or will have ever more creative consequences. These consequences are told before hand and then it is her decision as to whether she wants to do right and have a pleasant life or do wrong and deal with the consequences. The ball is entirely in her court and it is her decision.

[Miss Marple]

I see removing a door as a parent's angry response "I'll fix you . . .", it does nothing to improve the parent child relationship and get to the heart of the issue. What's the next "punishment", where does one go from there?

 

But the way you see it isn't necessarily the way others see it. I see it as a way to protect my investment (my home) from the rash behavior of an angry person rather than an "angry parent's" response. I don't see it as any different than taking away the car keys when my son drives irresponsibly - even if he is only driving on my property where he can only injure my car/property/or himself (for which I will have to pay the medical bills).

 

I find it interesting that this is viewed as "punishment". I view it as a consequence - just as any other behavior he might exhibit will have a consequence (good or bad). If my son behaves in the same manner in a store and damages the merchandise, he would have to pay (consequence - not punishment).

[Kirch]

Honestly, it depends on your kid's personality. I have been consistent with my 8 year old from day 1. However, she's the type to push and push and push, so we still have struggles. She's a great, bright, loving kid who reallyreallyreallyreallyreally likes to push the boundaries. :D

 

Tara

 

Oh, please don't tell me that. The thought that one day he'll figure out that I mean what I say and that life will be more pleasant if he doesn't constantly push those boundaries--that's all that's been keeping me going this week!

[Haiku]

I find it interesting that this is viewed as "punishment". I view it as a consequence - just as any other behavior he might exhibit will have a consequence (good or bad). If my son behaves in the same manner in a store and damages the merchandise, he would have to pay (consequence - not punishment).

 

Yeah. The problem in our home was that the closed door was making the upstairs unbearably hot. The solution to the problem was to keep the door open. Dd could have left her door open, but she wouldn't, so we removed the door. It wasn't to "punish" her, it was to solve the problem of a superheated upstairs during a heat wave.

 

Tara

[Renee in NC]

I see removing a door as a parent's angry response "I'll fix you . . .", it does nothing to improve the parent child relationship and get to the heart of the issue. What's the next "punishment", where does one go from there?

 

I think it depends on the receiver's personality as well. I have one child who would see it your way (as an angry parent's response and as a "I'll get you") while my other children would not. Some children are just plain difficult and think that everyone is out to get them. I imagine he will be that way as an adult as well (unfortunately.)

 

(BTW, this isn't a reflection on you because I have no idea about your childhood.)

 

That's why parents can raise children exactly the same in the same circumstances and get a different result with each child.

 

I am not into micromanaging my older children's feelings or behaviors as such. I would only use the "remove the door" example in a few circumstances - constant slamming would be one as to remove the door before it was broken (and to prevent me from losing it do to my sensitivity to noise.) I would also use it in a circumstance where the child has lost their right to privacy (as in a last resort before rehab or because he/she was sneaking people into his/her room.) And, as Tara said, I would use it of the closed door was affecting others.

 

It is likely to be a moot point here because no one here has their own room anyway!

[cin]

Yeah. The problem in our home was that the closed door was making the upstairs unbearably hot. The solution to the problem was to keep the door open. Dd could have left her door open, but she wouldn't, so we removed the door. It wasn't to "punish" her, it was to solve the problem of a superheated upstairs during a heat wave.

 

Tara

 

I agree with you on this, Tara. I see it as everybody working together to make things better for the family as a whole. This ALMOST qualifies as helping with the laundry, cooking, or dishes. I also don't view taking the door down as a power play. I see it removing something from a child, that they cannot properly use. If my 4 yr old chooses to color on the walls with crayons, then we don't use crayons for a few days. If my child spills grape juice on the carpet, we don't eat/drink in the living room. If my teenager slams the door, we remove the door for a few days. JMHO

[Giraffe]

Honestly, it depends on your kid's personality. I have been consistent with my 8 year old from day 1. However, she's the type to push and push and push, so we still have struggles. She's a great, bright, loving kid who reallyreallyreallyreallyreally likes to push the boundaries. :D

 

Tara

 

Tara, you're right. DD's intense (see other thread) so while I pray that consistency will be my savior, I know it may not be so easy. Sigh...

[Kari C in SC]

I don't know anything about the totality of your childhood experience or your parents' way of raising you, so I am not casting aspersions at you personally. However, I have seen people say this about many different things: lying about Santa Claus, making them walk somewhere instead of giving a ride after the child was mouthy, taking the door off the hinges, etc. My mom did something when I was in school that I still consider ridiculous: she grounded me for an entire quarter my freshman year because I got a B in Advanced English. In my house, it was A's or else. I still don't understand what would have possessed my mother to do such a thing, but that was YEARS ago. To let it continue to affect my relationship with her would, imo, be totally counter-productive. My mother loved me, and she did her best to raise me well. She made mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. If my kids grow up to look back on a few things I made mistakes on and say that they forever altered our relationship, well, honestly, I will say that's their problem for still holding a grudge. I hope that my kids are more flexible and forgiving than that.

 

Tara

 

Well said... I think life is too short to not just get over it and move on. Trust me on this one.