Meanest Mom trophy goes to me today. Ugh.

[Pretty in Pink]

I just made my 11yo call his friend and tell him that he could not accompany them on their upcoming vacation.

 

I feel like dirt right now. Worse.

 

He's been such a pain all summer. I hate to say that, but it's true. Not a day goes by that he isn't giving me attitude, talking back, rolling his eyes, etc. He constantly fights with his brothers, calls them 'stupid' or 'idiot', and shouts at them. He hits my 4yo almost daily.

 

He does a mediocre job at best on his chores most days and complains the entire time. I recently found a new home for his pet rabbit because he would not take care of her. I can't even get him to load the dishwasher without whining, doing it wrong, taking four bathroom breaks, and complaining that his back/stomach/toe/etc. hurts. It's no wonder that it takes him 30+ minutes to do a 5-minute chore.

 

I'm at my wits' end with this kid. I know it's rough on everyone with my dh deployed and I've tried to take that into account when considering his behavior. I gave him his own room. This summer he vacationed (with the same friend) for 4 weeks during the month of June. He camped with another friend. He went to summer camp for a week. He had sleepovers. I've tried to give him his own space. I've let him have fun.

 

Any suggestions for handling his behavior? Did I do the right thing by making him cancel his trip? What would you do? I swear, 11 has been the most trying age, hands down.

[BikeBookBread]

No advice, because I'm seeking advice myself with lying, greediness, discontentment, hitting, back talking etc... in both of my girls.

 

But here are lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kalypso]

I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. My 11 yo is impossible right now, too. I think you did the right thing by not letting him go. You are NOT mean. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

You have to make that call, and boy, I agree it's tough.

11 is the age lots of boys give their moms grief--is his dad gone for long? Do you have a male friend who can step in a little--not as a replacement, of course, just for some "guy time?"

 

Could it be that some of his behavior has come from the kids he's been with so much, like that very friend?

 

Sorry it's so hard.

[MariannNOVA]

Did I do the right thing by making him cancel his trip?

 

I think so. His behavior as described by you does not merit the reward of a vacation with a friend. Unless the friend's parents were going to have him chopping wood and fetchng water 8 hours a day.;) You know, work him so hard he'd be happy to come home and perhaps be appreciative.

 

What would you do?

 

Exactly what you did.

 

Yesterday the kids were fighting and bickering -- the day before, there had been perfect harmony. I separated them and put them to work doing things here: swiffering the floor, folding laundry, kitchen chores. I kept them mad busy for TWO hours. Their attitude was much better when then were finished (and worn out). If they have a bad attitude, they aren't tired enough.

[justamouse]

11 is hard for boys and in some ways they are harder at this age than girls. Puberty is giving them just as much of a hormone rush-perhaps even more-than girls, and yet we expect drama from the girls and not from the boys.

 

I told my middle son this year that he was going to have mood swings, be emotional, and cry. He does, and was, and he was so frustrated by it. He just couldn't handle feeling like a wreck some days. He needs to know when he has to put himself in 'time out'. Read a book, spend some time alone, take a nap.

 

That said, he can't be allowed to run roughshod over his siblings and you are there to be the goalie. There are boundaries and he is now in the penalty box. Self control is a hard thing to learn-and we know adults who spend their whole lives struggling with it. Best to lay the tracks now, you know?

 

I ignore complaining. OR they get my standard lecture. Do I complain when I do umpteen loads of laundry a day? Dishes? Clean up cat puke and dog poop? No. Grow up and stop complaining and I'll treat you like a grown up. You complain and I treat you like a child. Daddy doesn't complain when he goes off to work or is deployed, it's his job. A good work ethic is one of the hardest things to instill in a kid.

Edited August 25, 2010 by justamouse

[Pretty in Pink]

11 is the age lots of boys give their moms grief--is his dad gone for long? Do you have a male friend who can step in a little--not as a replacement, of course, just for some "guy time?"

 

Dh has been gone for 6 months.

 

Yes, there is an older, retired man that lives on our street who has sort of taken him under his wing. He's been going over weekly (when he has been home) for a few hours to visit and learn to carve wood. He's also taken him fishing a few times.

 

His friend is a nice boy, really. I'm sure he talks back to his mother from time to time but overall I can't imagine that my ds is picking up this attitude from that friend.

[FeFe]

I think this is primarily a boy thing. It started at 10 with my son. He's now 13 and we still have a bit of it.

 

I find keeping him physically active is very important. Mowing the yard, moving the firewood, clearing out a section of woods, soccer, football, running laps outside around the house, ect. Doing something physical every day really does help.

 

Now that my DS is older he's finally beginning to understand that getting his work done and at the very least, being respectful gets him privileges. If you want to see your friends, you better be decent to your family and you better do what I ask you around the house. He's gotten better but we do go thru spells...

 

I've been told things get much better by 16 years old!! Hang in there!

 

Oh - and meanest mom? Nah, I've been so frustrated with my DS that I would let him go and do things that he didn't deserve to do just to get him out of my hair! You're doing good!

[4kids4me]

I'll be the lone dissenter, and keep in mind this is just my opinion.

 

I'm not a fan of a consequence that affects a child's friend. I have one friend who's one child is very gregarious and has lots of friends, but at home is hard to deal with. The parents are forever saying "yes" to sleepovers and get togethers and then when the child is naughty these get togethers taken away (in addition to other consequences). To me it's using others to discipline one's child when there are a million other ways one could give a consequence. If ds has been characterized by not being well behaved, you should not have said yes in the first place and if you say yes, you follow through, because a family was planning a vacation which included your son. It's not fair to the family, or your son's friend.

 

:grouphug: I get why you did it, though. Again, it's just my opinion as a mom who's child has been disappointed a number of times because someone else used her for their purposes. (OTOH, I'm sure I've done things to hurt other people's children and I had no clue about it.)

[lauranc]

I don't think you're mean. I probably would have made the same choice. I have a 'thing' about my kids being kind to each other. I really believe how we treat each other (as a family) comes first; and if they can't be kind to their own family, I can't let them spend time with other people.

 

I've really only restricted my 15 yr old from seeing friends a few times over the years, giving him the reason I mentioned above-- and he seemed to understand the reason 'why'.

 

It's hard to know if you're making the right decisions as a mom... hang in there.

[SonshineLearner]

And... if they offered it to your son... they didn't offer it to someone else... and.... well... that may not be fair to them. I'm sure he would act properly for them and perhaps (have) come back refreshed... just a thought.

[Mimm]

It sounds to me that you've tried to do this the "nice" way and it's time for tough love. Try not to beat yourself up. Those are the hardest calls to make. :grouphug:

[Samiam]

No, I think it was the right thing to do. Yes, it's a rough age, and some consideration is given to that. BUT, it's also an important age to realize that there are consequences to bad choices. I am sure that you have given him plenty of opportunity to correct himself.

 

I don't think you can "worry" about the other friend in this case...when it comes time to buckle down and get serious, in the end, you have to worry about the ramifications and effects on YOUR child. It's YOU who have to deal with the consequences of a child who has not fear of consequence if you do not nip it in the bud now.

 

I think you did something completely right, and something more parents in our society should consider. It was a hard choice for you, but something you knew was the right thing to do for your son.

 

It IS a rough age for him, but I think if we can walk that fine line of understanding yet teaching, the outcome will benefit him, you, and the rest of the world :).

 

Coming from someone who has done something similiar, and hated it every moment at the time.

[Gooblink]

I hesitate to even mention this, and forgive me if I'm out of line...

 

do you know that retired man really well? Is there any possibility your son is being - abused - and acting out his hurt and confusion through disobedience/anger?

 

Just throwing it out there. I think you did the right thing, but I also think I'd have a heart-to-heart with him and find out what's really bothering him.

 

It could be that dad's away, could be puberty, could be...something else.

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

of what you have been doing. You are giving him so much time away from the family. I think a little of that is okay, but honestly, I think it's like trying to solve marriage problems by having the spouses go on separate vacations and hang out with friends rather than do things together.

 

It has got to be really hard to be an 11 year old in your family. He has three younger siblings, and I bet they are annoying to him. I think if I were you, I would consider getting regular sitters for them and trying to do fun things with just him. Rather than send him down the street to this other guy or having him take four weeks of vacation with another family, I would really work hard on improving that mother son bond through doing FUN things together. I might pick some activities that his siblings are too young for and so them just the two of you - a white water rafting day, a rock climbing day, etc. Take him out for coffee. Have lunch out. (I know these are not free activities, but you can find more cost effective options). Let him stay up an hour later than his siblings and do something fun with that time. When my son was 11, we started playing frisbee golf together. I can't tell you how fun it was to be outside, just the two of us, throwing frisbees in the woods. And I am *terrible* at it.

 

He's got to miss his Dad. My boys were so attached to Dad at that age (and still are at almost 13). But don't imagine that he's done with Mom. He could be if you let him, but build bridges all the time. You want to be close to this child. You want to have fun together. You want your home to be the place where he most likes to be in the world. You want him to know that if you let him leave with another family for a week, you miss him. He's spent a lot of time away, and I have to wonder whether he might feel like he's not important in the family if you are sending him off for 4 weeks in a month. I'm not saying that if he thinks that, it's true. I know many adored and cherished children to go to camp for that long. But I would want to make sure that HE knows it doesn't mean that. Especially with his Dad gone, he might really feel anxious about being away that long.

[burleygirl]

I think your choice was fine. 4Kids4Me disagreed and I can understand her viewpoint because it's disappointed her children. I have an only child and unfortunately I have had to discipline by not allowing her to do something with another child because of her behavior. She needs to learn that her behavior has consequences that affects others not just herself. We have had to stay home and not do some things in order for her to understand that her behavior affects mom and dad as well. This was not easy because I felt like we were being punished as well. She's slowly learning and getting better. Her biggest problem is backtalk and complaining when doing her chores or flat out refusing to clean her room.

[eternalknot]

In general I don't use friends as leverage in disciplining my child or trying to change a behavior (particularly for "special" things like birthday parties or trips or other non-typical get-togethers).

 

In this situation, though, I'd have probably done the same thing and taken away the vacation opportunity. My reasoning is that if you can't behave at home, I'm not unleashing you to the public -- it's the principle, because I do know my son wouldn't dare behave for someone else's family the way he does at home. I wouldn't put it out there as a punishment (though he'd likely perceive it as one) and I'd encourage him to work with me to figure out (a) where the problem is coming from, and (b) how WE were going to work as a family to address it. That means dedicated family time until improvement has been demonstrated. I'd explain it as such to the friend's family, too. In fact, I have, in a similar situation.

 

My boy turns ten in a few weeks, and has been through three deployments and one extended hardship tour. His entire life has been one big Adjustment Party -- we adjust to dad being gone, then have to adjust to his coming back, then it all starts over again. It's hard enough on us adults, so (like you) I try to be empathetic to how the kids handle it. To me that means I consider the "why" of his poor behavior and try to start from there. I can't bring his dad back, but I can talk him through what he's feeling and guide him towards other ways of handling those feelings. (And in general I'm not a touchy-feely, good self-esteem promoting type of parent; I'm more black and white, right and wrong, your feelings are valid but not a guiding factor type of parent.)

 

I always see my son as very needy for affection and attention during these phases, even if he is initially resistant and denying of them. It's hard to do but I make an effort to focus on more one-on-one with him, even in small ways -- like taking over clipping his nails so we have a few minutes alone to chat, or inviting him to hang out with me when I put on my makeup in the morning so we can listen to the radio show together. I do let him know that with his dad away, I rely on him more to help around the house and that's non-negotiable. It helps the home run smoothly and it also frees up MY time so I can spend more engaging WITH them -- he gets that. Still doesn't love chores, but will less grudgingly do them. He just has to have the bigger picture laid out for him. Sometimes several times LOL.

 

In my culture/family, hierarchy is important. I remind my son that as the eldest he has privileges AND responsibilities; one of his prime responsibilities (especially true with his dad away) is to help set the tone for the family home. I remind him that he's always serving as an example to the younger kids, and that it'd make my life a lot easier (and his much more pleasurable!) if he'd choose to set a GOOD example rather than a POOR example. I don't require smiles and cheerfulness in doing mundane chores, but I expect general compliance (no whining other than an initial groan -- because let's face it, I do the same when I see a sink full of someone else's dishes!) and a job done until satisfactory. That's a life skill necessary for professional and personal relationships, after all.

 

:grouphug: It's hard, I know. Sounds like you took away the trip for good reasons, not simply as a tit-for-tat "because I can" --- and I think that was the best course of action given his need for time and space to work on his situation.

[EarleneW]

I'll be the lone dissenter, and keep in mind this is just my opinion.

 

I'm not a fan of a consequence that affects a child's friend. I have one friend who's one child is very gregarious and has lots of friends, but at home is hard to deal with. The parents are forever saying "yes" to sleepovers and get togethers and then when the child is naughty these get togethers taken away (in addition to other consequences). To me it's using others to discipline one's child when there are a million other ways one could give a consequence. If ds has been characterized by not being well behaved, you should not have said yes in the first place and if you say yes, you follow through, because a family was planning a vacation which included your son. It's not fair to the family, or your son's friend.

 

:grouphug: I get why you did it, though. Again, it's just my opinion as a mom who's child has been disappointed a number of times because someone else used her for their purposes. (OTOH, I'm sure I've done things to hurt other people's children and I had no clue about it.)

 

I agree with this. In cases like these- I don't feel it's fair to punish the friend too. I usually let the ocassion happen and then the punishment happens at home.

[radiobrain]

nt

Edited August 25, 2010 by radiobrain
not in the mood

[5LittleMonkeys]

I don't have an 11 year old boy but I do have two dds that are 11 and 12.

 

I would definitely have canceled that vacation. Your responsibility is to your son and the rest of your dc; not to the other child and his family. This is why anytime I agree to an activity with a friend I make sure the parent knows that my dc's participation is dependent on my dc's continued good behavior.

 

IMO your son is doing too much outside activity. I'm sure when he is out and about having fun with these other families he is very well behaved. He needs to learn that these types of opportunities will not happen until he can exhibit the same courtesies to his own family. He needs to learn to be a contributing member of his own family.

 

He has spent so much time away from home doing really fun and exciting things that maybe the stresses of his own home are glaringly obvious when he is there. Do you think it would help to have a heart to heart with him and ask for input into making things better. Tell him you are stressed and missing Dad too and the last thing that the family needs right now is all the bickering and fighting. Dad would probably be sad to think that his family isn't pulling together while he is gone. Tell him that it would be great if he could step up to the challenge of helping run the household better. Tell him that you can't do it on your own...you need to be a team.

 

I agree with the pp who said you need to take time to re-connect with your son. Right now he is connecting with people outside of his family. He may feel that you don't want him around but these other people do, which could be causing resentment towards you. My oldest has 4 younger siblings and is required to watch them a lot. Sometimes she does get really cranky and snippy and I know its time to get someone else to watch the dc and she and I go do something alone. It makes a big difference in her attitude.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with him on top of your dh being gone. I raised my dc pretty much alone until about 4 years ago (dh had a job with FAA and was only home 4 days a month) so I know how frustrating it can be. I couldn't have done it unless I had my kids on board with being a team. Shoot, even with dh home now I still couldn't do it without my team in place! I hope you can get him to see the right path.:grouphug:

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, that is something for me to consider regarding the other boy's feelings. His mother had already told me that he had other friends that he could invite, but that he preferred my ds. I did originally decline the invitation but relented the third time they asked. I should have stuck to my 'no,' that is true.

 

The final straw was this morning when ds11 slammed a door back on ds4's foot, on purpose, so hard that he tore the skin on a few toes. DS4 was standing there crying and when I said to ds11, "Look at his toes. Do you see what you did to him?" he just laughed and replied that ds4 deserved it.

 

Well, you all have given me some things to think about. I appreciate the input from each of you and, of course, am open to any other thoughts as well.

[gingersmom]

I would have canceled his vacation also.

 

It sounds to me though like he is crying out for help. You mentioned your husbands deployment has been hard for him. Is there a counselor he can talk to or other kids with parents deployed he can talk with?

[4kids4me]

Yes, that is something for me to consider regarding the other boy's feelings. His mother had already told me that he had other friends that he could invite, but that he preferred my ds. I did originally decline the invitation but relented the third time they asked. I should have stuck to my 'no,' that is true.

 

The final straw was this morning when ds11 slammed a door back on ds4's foot, on purpose, so hard that he tore the skin on a few toes. DS4 was standing there crying and when I said to ds11, "Look at his toes. Do you see what you did to him?" he just laughed and replied that ds4 deserved it.

 

Well, you all have given me some things to think about. I appreciate the input from each of you and, of course, am open to any other thoughts as well.

 

So, ok, the mom and you had talked about other friends going...a little disappointment for his friend, but if it works out for their family, good.

 

I agree with other posters that your son needs two things: alone time with you, and consistent, consistent retraining! I'm thinking tomato-staking type training. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Expect him to obey the first time. Follow through.

 

It's got to be extremely hard on you and the kids with your husband gone. :grouphug: You can do this!

 

Oh, and I'd have him do something to "serve" his 4yo brother to make amends for hurting him. That was nasty on his part (we've ALL been there with our kids!!!).

 

:grouphug:

[Kipling]

Yes. What we tell our children is that if they can't behave appropriately with US, then we can't trust then to behave appropriately with others, so we restrict their time with others until they have proven to us that they can control their behavior.

[ktgrok]

of what you have been doing. You are giving him so much time away from the family. I think a little of that is okay, but honestly, I think it's like trying to solve marriage problems by having the spouses go on separate vacations and hang out with friends rather than do things together.

 

It has got to be really hard to be an 11 year old in your family. He has three younger siblings, and I bet they are annoying to him. I think if I were you, I would consider getting regular sitters for them and trying to do fun things with just him. Rather than send him down the street to this other guy or having him take four weeks of vacation with another family, I would really work hard on improving that mother son bond through doing FUN things together. I might pick some activities that his siblings are too young for and so them just the two of you - a white water rafting day, a rock climbing day, etc. Take him out for coffee. Have lunch out. (I know these are not free activities, but you can find more cost effective options). Let him stay up an hour later than his siblings and do something fun with that time. When my son was 11, we started playing frisbee golf together. I can't tell you how fun it was to be outside, just the two of us, throwing frisbees in the woods. And I am *terrible* at it.

 

He's got to miss his Dad. My boys were so attached to Dad at that age (and still are at almost 13). But don't imagine that he's done with Mom. He could be if you let him, but build bridges all the time. You want to be close to this child. You want to have fun together. You want your home to be the place where he most likes to be in the world. You want him to know that if you let him leave with another family for a week, you miss him. He's spent a lot of time away, and I have to wonder whether he might feel like he's not important in the family if you are sending him off for 4 weeks in a month. I'm not saying that if he thinks that, it's true. I know many adored and cherished children to go to camp for that long. But I would want to make sure that HE knows it doesn't mean that. Especially with his Dad gone, he might really feel anxious about being away that long.

:iagree:

 

We are going through something similar and this is the only thing that helped. TONS of mom time, even if he acted like he didn't want it he NEEDED it!

[ChrisN in NY]

I just made my 11yo call his friend and tell him that he could not accompany them on their upcoming vacation.

 

I feel like dirt right now. Worse.

 

He's been such a pain all summer. I hate to say that, but it's true. Not a day goes by that he isn't giving me attitude, talking back, rolling his eyes, etc. He constantly fights with his brothers, calls them 'stupid' or 'idiot', and shouts at them. He hits my 4yo almost daily.

 

He does a mediocre job at best on his chores most days and complains the entire time. I recently found a new home for his pet rabbit because he would not take care of her. I can't even get him to load the dishwasher without whining, doing it wrong, taking four bathroom breaks, and complaining that his back/stomach/toe/etc. hurts. It's no wonder that it takes him 30+ minutes to do a 5-minute chore.

 

I'm at my wits' end with this kid. I know it's rough on everyone with my dh deployed and I've tried to take that into account when considering his behavior. I gave him his own room. This summer he vacationed (with the same friend) for 4 weeks during the month of June. He camped with another friend. He went to summer camp for a week. He had sleepovers. I've tried to give him his own space. I've let him have fun.

 

Any suggestions for handling his behavior? Did I do the right thing by making him cancel his trip? What would you do? I swear, 11 has been the most trying age, hands down.

 

Sometimes being the good mom, doing the right thing, means being the mean mom.

 

Don't feel like dirt.

 

Wear your trophy proudly.

 

;)

 

 

Persevere.

[mom2denj]

You are NOT mean!!!! He will know that you mean business now! Just be sure to praise him when he does have a good attitude and when he does right! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Kristen

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, that is something for me to consider regarding the other boy's feelings. His mother had already told me that he had other friends that he could invite, but that he preferred my ds. I did originally decline the invitation but relented the third time they asked. I should have stuck to my 'no,' that is true.

 

The final straw was this morning when ds11 slammed a door back on ds4's foot, on purpose, so hard that he tore the skin on a few toes. DS4 was standing there crying and when I said to ds11, "Look at his toes. Do you see what you did to him?" he just laughed and replied that ds4 deserved it.

 

Well, you all have given me some things to think about. I appreciate the input from each of you and, of course, am open to any other thoughts as well.

 

What stands out to me is the bullying and meanness towards a younger child. For this I would definitely cancel time with friends even though the friend didn't do anything to deserve it.

 

I haven't had to live through a deployment. :grouphug:

 

Because of the physical bullying, I think tomato-staking is in order. Have an honest discussion about the fact that he cannot be trusted and will have to remain at your side for all waking hours just as though he is a toddler. He will have to earn back his independence and privileges over time. Treating a 4yo in the manner you describe requires immediate, comprehensive intervention.

 

I'm sorry it's so tough.

[Tree House Academy]

No advice, but add me to the list of folks with a rude, disrespectful, constantly arguing with siblings, eye rolling, attitude giving, name calling 11 year old ds! :(

[MariannNOVA]

of what you have been doing. You are giving him so much time away from the family. .

 

 

:iagree: and must add that when dd31 was 14 or 15, there was a friend with whom she wanted to spend all day every day. Nice kid, nice family, but I would see a definite attitude when it was time for the fun to end and her to come back home. Finally, I told her that it was not okay for her to be away from my influence for so much of the time, and she was going to have be more present in our home. And, I took it from there.

[Pretty in Pink]

I've been thinking over all of the advice here for the past few hours. I do think I need to spend more one on one time with my ds. It is something that I have neglected since dh has been gone and that is my fault.

 

So, I am going to set aside two hours this Friday for just the two of us to go play laser tag together. I am going to set aside the money for childcare every other Friday so that we can get out together, and the Fridays in between I will let him stay up late with me to play games and hang out together. When dh gets home he will be able to sit with the littles and then ds and I can probably get out together for a few hours each week.

 

I have always been concerned about the boys not getting enough time with my dh (due to his work schedule), but I have overlooked the fact that my oldest still needs time with me. Thanks for the reminder.

[iluvmy4blessings]

I have not read other responses just the original post. I think you did the right thing but not necessarily b/c it's a punishment for him not to go. If you have a child that you know is difficult, then you probably don't want to send them off with another family b/c then they might have the same problems. I am so picky about who I will let my kids bring home b/c I do not want to deal with someone's child if they are going to be difficult. At the same time, I also won't let my own children go to anyone's house to play unless I am positive they can behave themselves. I always make sure of that before they get to go anywhere. So I think you did the right thing and once he matures then he can go places.

[4besitos]

I can take the Meanest Mom in the world crown from you....my children aren't allowed to do sleepovers.:001_smile: My oldest (who's 12) was allowed to go on a Boy Scout camping trip this summer for the first time ever because my husband couldn't get the time off and we'd already paid; but another homeschooling Dad from Church was there to keep an eye on him.

 

Attitude and pre-teen boys is a problem. I am constantly talking to Mr. 12 about his mouth, not to be so rough with the younger ones, lack of chore completion.

 

I think natural consequences, like not having him go on a trip, are good. My daughter lost most of her extra activities because of her attitude, especially with me. When you are feeling like you are being treated like dirt except when they want you to take them somewhere.....life's got to change!!!! So many of the things we worry about taking away (myself included) wouldn't even have been an option for me at their age. Or in ages past. His life won't be ruined because he missed a trip.

 

And my children took a vote and I'm the Meanest Mother in the World....they just told me so because I **GASP** made them clean up the table & load the dishwasher after lunch. We homeschool at the table...how incredibly horrid am I to not want them putting their new, expensive hs books on top of all the crumbs and sticky spots.....I am totally out of control here!!! Call the Mommy Police!!!!

[Starr]

I've always found that the more time my kids spend away the worse they are at home. Go figure. Our motto is if you can't be nice at home you need to spend more time at home. I think you did the right thing. When kids are acting out they need love and structure. You are doing a great job. Have fun with your big boy!

[5LittleMonkeys]

I am totally out of control here!!! Call the Mommy Police!!!!

 

They will be over when they are done here. My two oldest are outside mowing and weed-eating our lawn and the neighbor's. The younger of the two keeps coming in to remind me of how unfair she thinks it is that they have to do them both in the same day. I just keep saying " noted " and then she goes back out in a huff.

[Susan in KY]

I think you did the right thing by not letting him go. You are NOT mean. :grouphug:

:iagree:

[WishboneDawn]

 

Any suggestions for handling his behavior? Did I do the right thing by making him cancel his trip?

 

Sure. This is the other family's vacation. If he can't prove to you that he can conduct himself properly then it would be unfair to send him off with the family where he might add stress to what should be a fun and relaxing time for them. This is a natural consequence.

 

I'd calmly explain that to him (in his bedroom away from the other kids and in case he got angry). I'd also say that until his behaviour improves he can't go to his friends' house for the same reason. Then I'd hug him and offer to help him get his behaviour under control and if he's receptive I'd get soem treat you two could share, a pencil and paper and brainstorm for strategies he could use to avoid the hitting, rudeness, etc. If he got angry I'd refuse to argue, repeat the previous paragraph and then say that when he wants to work on the problem I'd be there for him and then I'd leave the room and shut the door.

 

I'd try to do all this very calmly but not in a detached way. Keep the tone one of gentle concern so there's nothing to reasonable rage against and he'd feel safe coming back to me later. And I'd make the brainstorming session very cozy and snuggly so again, he knows he can come to you for help and so there's a chance he'll open up more.

 

When I'm on the ball this is exactly how I handle serious behaviour issues with my kids and it's BY FAR the most successful method I have in my parenting tool box.

[LauraGB]

First of all, the Meanest Mom trophy does not belong to you - it's mine. ;)

 

Second, as it's been pointed out already, 11 for boys is difficult. Mine had some serious attitude issues for a while, and it's getting better, but, holy cow, we were all being driven to extremes a few months ago. One thing I did try to do with him is spend just one on one time with him (as was suggested earlier in this thread) and it was so helpful.

 

Third, maybe everyone needs to have a break from one another. How long is the vacation? When will they leave? I wonder because if there is time to connect with him beforehand, you can sit and have a heart to heart - go for a walk and talk or something. And then let him go with his friend. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Your younger children can get a break from him, you can get a break from him, he can get a break from everyone. It might give him a sense of that independence all kids this age are trying to gain but still don't have the where-with-all to completely and responsibly embrace. And, I find that when my kids spend an extended amount of time with other people's families, they really appreciate ours more (and the same goes for me).

 

Either way, you will get advice that makes sense on every end of the spectrum. Do what feels right to you.

 

:grouphug:

[juelle]

When my kids start getting unpleasant, I tend to tighten up and start 'managing' their behaviour, which gives them more to push against, which gives me more to pick on, which.......you get the cycle. You're so wise to have a plan to spend time with your boy. I think it will help.

 

My oldest ds has at times done things very similar to what yours did this am. The purposeful harm thing is so awful to see. I really thought that exorcism was in order a few times (only slight hyperbole). But at 14, he's pretty pleasant, level and responsible towards the younger ones. A few reminders are in order only very occasionally and now there is remorse when there should be.

 

Hang in there. My mom told me our job through those middle years is to stay with them, to be alongside them, to refuse to 'go away'. May God give you strength to walk through this time with your son, and may he bless you for it one day.

[duckens]

You did the right thing, and it sounds like you have some new strategies to work with your ds's behavior.

 

I do not have a ds11, and I have not worked with a lot of boys that age.

 

I HAVE worked with "adults" (in age only, not in behavior) who do not understand the link between good attitude/work habits and privileges. They put themselves first (before the 4yo in their lives). Partying is more important than paying bills. Having friends over (and friends' kids) that are abusive to their little boy is more important than protecting their little one. (DHS has even been called in and documented the repeated abuse and repeated bruising/biting from friends' kids).

 

Disclaimer: I am not implying in any way that your son would grow up to be this way if you didn't cancel the trip.

 

I'm just saying, kudos for you for having some consequences for his behavior!

 

GO MEAN MOM!