Changing other people's Christmas expectations

[Old Dominion Heather]

Christmas festivities are killing us financially. We are having a rough year financially including no profit sharing for dh, five cases of bronchitis/pneumonia after swine flu, four surgeries (two of them out of state), and two broken bones that had to be set/cast.

 

Now, my family has always done big Christmas. BIG. Not in my little immediate family (me, dh, and the boys), where we only buy for the kids and not much there, but for my extended family. This is a tradition that extends back for 50 years.

 

My mom/younger sister have this expectation of massive celebration at my mom's house involving gifts for my mom, her husband, my sister, my BIL, my grandmother, her husband, and my three adult cousins. And these are not little token gifts, they are big. I spend $60-$80 each on my mom's , sister's and BIL's gifts and $20-$40 on the others. And my sons' are expected to have gifts from them to each person. Oh AND my husband is also supposed to have a gift for each person, except the cousins, where it is okay for us to go in together.

 

ETA: I forgot that we also do stockings with all these people, so add that on.

 

ALSO, my parents are divorced. My dad ALSO wants to have "Big Christmas", so he comes to our house, with gifts and to receive his gifts from me and my sister/bil. So, I spend about as much on him as my mom and dh and the boys also each give him something as well.

 

AND we then go to my dad's mom's house, where we give/receive gifts from my dad's sisters and brothers. Seriously. So, $20 on that grandma and about $10 on everyone else. There are eight of them. Also, we are the only ones with children, so everyone wants to see them. We see my dad's brothers and sisters only at Christmas, so not going would be VERY hurtful to my dad and my grandmother.

 

Now then. I told everyone last year that we HAD to cut back and we did... to the amounts above, but I got serious grief about it. My parents and family are very, very generous and they spend probably double the amount of money on us as we do on them. They show love through gifts. They are financially able to do this and my mom, in particular, loves to be frivolous... for example, I told her that I would love to just have money instead of a gift for my birthday, but when she found out that I was going to use the money to help pay off debt, she wouldn't give it to me. She bought me a bike instead. She couldn't bear the thought that I wouldn't have a tangible gift.

 

I want to be able to reciprocate, but we just can't. We are really hurting financially this year and I am just completely baffled about how to get them to listen to us about the way Christmas is killing us financially. We probably spent $1000 on larger family last year and about $200 on our kids. Unless we have unexpected money come in, we will have to put even the kids' gifts on the credit card and those will have to be scaled way back. At this point, we are barely making it pay check to pay check.

 

I don't want to make a huge deal about our debt. We will get it paid off, it is just going to take a while and I do NOT want my parents to feel like they have to help us financially in order to continue this cycle of "over-giving." FWIW, that is what happened last year when I tried to address this with my mom. She offered to give dh money so that we would have money to buy gifts for the big Christmas.

 

So... does anyone have ANY ideas about how to address this with family? Has anyone successfully changed a larger family tradition?

Edited August 16, 2010 by Old Dominion Heather

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Wel, the only thing I can think of is that you TELL them what you are doing, don't ask, beg or plead. (As in "would this work?")

 

It's ok if THEY want to do that, but it isn't feasible for you (or us, either, for that matter). I think when it washes over into "we will give you money so you can do an extravagent christmas like we do" they are over-stepping and I would call them on it.

 

Our small Christmas's aren't JUST due to budgetary concerns, they are also because we want our kids to value the non-money things like:

 

baking cookies

driving around and looking at christmas lights

trimming the tree

making homemade decorations

making cards

wrapping gifts for other people

 

To me those things are FESTIVE and do much more to get the whole family in the holiday spirit than unwrapping the gifts. The thing on the above list take weeks and weeks while the unwrapping is over in a matter of minutes.

 

We build memories from the things on the list, not as much on the gifts, imo.

[RoughCollie]

Oh my gosh, that is GIANT Christmas obligation. I've heard of that, but never experienced it. You have my sympathy.

 

I would not discuss it with any of my family members (except DH and my kids) and I would not try to change tradition. Instead, I would change our family's actions and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I think it is ridiculous for each individual member of the family to have to give gifts to each individual member of the extended families.

 

I would give one family gift to each family or individual, and if my mother offered to give me money to buy those, I would take it and return what I didn't spend. The reason I would take the money from my mother is that (1) she can afford it, (2) it is important to her that my family give all these people gifts, and (3) we cannot afford to finance these gigantic Christmas extravaganzas.

 

In the alternative, I would budget what I could easily afford to spend, and everyone would get his or her own shiny, new nickel. This is what I would choose to do, personally. Not give a nickel, but something homemade, like cookies or bread or cakes or whatever I could make and afford to give.

 

If people don't like it, too bad. They will live. There are more important things going on in life than this. Unless I chose the taking money from my mother method, I would not mention it to anyone. I look upon gift giving decisions as a private matter, between my husband and I. And it is ... how we allocate our income is no one's business but ours.

Edited August 16, 2010 by RoughCollie

[JVA]

Just tell them straight ON what you've decided. You are adults, it's YOUR family and YOUR budget. It's their choice if they get their nose out of whack. I'm sure you've expressed your appreciation through the years for their generousity but it's just not the same situation for you all (we're in the same boat and don't spend lots on Christmas presents). You can reassure your parents that you're not being disrespectful or mean, you're just living within your means. I admire you for tackling this in August and letting everyone get used to the idea. :grouphug:

[Old Dominion Heather]

Our small Christmas's aren't JUST due to budgetary concerns, they are also because we want our kids to value the non-money things like:

 

baking cookies

driving around and looking at christmas lights

trimming the tree

making homemade decorations

making cards

wrapping gifts for other people

 

To me those things are FESTIVE and do much more to get the whole family in the holiday spirit than unwrapping the gifts. The thing on the above list take weeks and weeks while the unwrapping is over in a matter of minutes.

 

We build memories from the things on the list, not as much on the gifts, imo.

 

Oh, believe me, we do all that too. Believe me, when I say big Christmas, I mean time wise as well. My mom's festivities start the day after Thanksgiving and end on Twelfth Night. EVERYTHING is bigger.

 

I guess the thing that is stopping me from making a stink about it is that it will offend my mom, since I DO a hard time justifying spending that money on people who have all they need. And my sister... I will NEVER hear the end of it from her.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't know. But I wouldn't hide from it, that I do know.

 

OK, I'm taking that they can afford it. How about writing Mom a letter? Then calling her? And, frankly, when you Do pay off your debt, is this still a ritual you want to be a part of?

Edited August 16, 2010 by justamouse

[Lara in Colo]

Its Jesus' birthday. He only got three gifts, thats all we get. Out of town people don't really count, but in town people do. Draw names and set a limit. I find that telling people they are outshining the birthday boy generally works, and it makes me feel better as well.

 

PS, how do you have anything left to buy?? I search and search for the 6 gifts (xmas and bday) my children get each year and usually they already have it, don't want it, or said gift is inappropiate.

 

Lara

[RoughCollie]

And my sister... I will NEVER hear the end of it from her.

 

She's your sister. Stand up to her one time. Tell her it is none of her business, but you can't afford to spend that kind of money. Tell her that is the last thing you are ever going to say about this subject to her. If she continues to bring it up, berate you, whatever ... tell her good-bye and hang up, or don't respond to the email, or walk away from her.

 

Eventually she will get the message.

[Hockey Mom]

I have slowly been 're-inventing' our family's Christmas traditions for years. This is mostly Dh's family. Ten years ago, we were just like your family; spending easily a thousand dollars on extended family and their kids. Over the course of the past 5 years, I've done the following:

 

1. Buy 'couples' gifts, and gifts for kids.

 

2. Placed a spending limit on 'couples' gifts, and gifts for kids.

 

3. Draw names for adults, buy for all of the kids.

 

4. Buy one generic adult gift, and play a game to see who gets the gift. Gifts for all kids.

 

5. Bake or make a gift for adult couples, and buy gifts for all kids.

 

6. Buy gifts for just the kids.

 

7. Have kids draw names for each other.

 

8. Buy a book for each kid, with a spending limit of $10.

 

I try to get MIL and SIL in on my ideas before I send out a mass email to let people know what the expectation is. I started doing this because one aunt stopped coming to the family gatherings because she could no longer afford to buy for everyone. I thought this would take the pressure off of her, and despite my telling her that the gift doesn't matter; it's HER that we want to spend time with, she still wouldn't come. She felt obligated to buy books for each child last year, and she just couldn't afford it.

 

So this year I'm thinking of suggesting a Christmas ornament decorating party. I bought a lot of those clear, empty ornaments on clearance last year, and I thought it would be fun for everyone to draw names first. Then, depending on the name they get, decorate an ornament for that person. For example, the aunt I mentioned above is a wonderful gardener. If I were to draw her name, I would decoupage flowers that I cut out of a magazine all over it (or place dried flowers inside of the ornament). While the ornaments dry, we'll eat our Christmas 'feast'. During dessert, we'll try to guess who's ornament belongs to which person, and they'll get to take it home with them.

 

That's the idea anyway. :)

[Daisy]

The best thing we ever did was simply TELL our parents how WE were going to celebrate Christmas. Regardless of what everyone else decides to do, our immediate family does what WE determine is best for our family. We made no excuses. We were not apologetic.

 

I think sometimes parents forget that a man and a women LEAVE their parents and start a NEW family. Yes, we still have loving relationships with our family of origin but they are no longer the nucleus family.

 

It has been 5+ years since we did that. I honestly think everyone is relieved not to be doing the huge mad consummerism thing anymore. It took a couple of years for them to really believe that we were done and that they didn't need to continue spending like crazy, but now everyone appears to be happily on the same page.

[Mejane]

Sounds simplistic, but we just said we were going to start doing christmas our own way, and we did. That meant no gifts for extended family (we asked that no one buy for our kids, either), no going to relatives' for christmas eve and spending the night so our kids never got to wake up in their own beds on christmas morning, no cards... you get the picture.

 

The bottom line is it's your holiday, too. Why should their expectations take precedence over yours? Announce your intentions without seeking permission, then stick to them. Their reactions are their own, but I don't believe anyone has ever died from not having christmas their way. ;)

[abreakfromlife]

I guess the thing that is stopping me from making a stink about it is that it will offend my mom, since I DO a hard time justifying spending that money on people who have all they need. And my sister... I will NEVER hear the end of it from her.

Read the Boundaries book. Read the Boundaries book. Read the Boundaries book. :001_smile: seriously. It is YOUR money. I can't even figure out how I would act b/c I would have just said NO years ago. I wonder if secretly the cousins and aunts and uncles are wishing the same thing you are?

 

The best thing we ever did was simply TELL our parents how WE were going to celebrate Christmas. Regardless of what everyone else decides to do, our immediate family does what WE determine is best for our family. We made no excuses. We were not apologetic.

This is what you need to do. And really, if your sister and mom stay angry over it then they really have a problem. And it's THEIR problem. If their only reason to do christmas with you is to get a ton of presents, then they have issues.

[Old Dominion Heather]

No, I think it needs to be toned WAY back, even if we had all the money in the world. But I adore my family, and I would do almost anything to avoid hurting any of them. They have taken my past suggestions to tone down Christmas as me being judgmental or being bad at managing money. I am sure there is more than a grain of truth in that. My desire is not to judge them. It is their money and they can spend it the way that makes them happy. I love to buy and give gifts, too. I just don't have the money to do it.

[Laurie4b]

Wow. That sounds hard. Truth is that you can't change their expectations; you can only control what you do. I can't imagine a Christmas of this magnitude; we slowed way down piece by piece as our extended families grew through marriage, kids, etc. Now we get our parents a gift and that's it for extended family. (No grandparents living; when they were alive, we got them one.) But... we put the brakes on a little more each year. You don't really have that option. Handmade gifts are hard to put a price on, so you could try to go that route if you have a talent for something. Sorry. It's a shame that Christmas has to be so miserable with all the traditions (not just for you, but for many people.)

 

ETA: another suggestion is that you arrange to arrive after the gift-giving part. That kind of eliminates that part of it. You won't give and you won't get gifts (except maybe a private one to your mom.)

Edited August 16, 2010 by Laurie4b

[abreakfromlife]

Can you make them gifts instead? Like get a bunch of fruit now and can some cool jams? or sew or something? Or would they be offended at homemade things?

[ThatCyndiGirl]

No, I think it needs to be toned WAY back, even if we had all the money in the world. But I adore my family, and I would do almost anything to avoid hurting any of them. They have taken my past suggestions to tone down Christmas as me being judgmental or being bad at managing money. I am sure there is more than a grain of truth in that. My desire is not to judge them. It is their money and they can spend it the way that makes them happy. I love to buy and give gifts, too. I just don't have the money to do it.

 

The bolded is where your answer lies. This really isn't about money at all. It is about YOUR priorities for YOUR family. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

"This is what we are going to do for our family from now on".

 

repeat as needed. Easier said than done, I know.

[eternalknot]

Instead of "blaming" it on financial reasons (from which they may feel compelled to 'rescue' you or otherwise contribute), is there some other reason you can give that they might give more weight to? [i admire the advice to lay it on the line unapologetically, but that wouldn't work with my inlaws because they're just not the type to really listen or care. They sound a lot like your family, actually. Coming from a good place, just incredibly difficult to get through to.] Something like, ... this year we're focusing more on faith or spirituality. Or this year we've decided to forego gifts and donate the money in everyone's name to a needier local family. Or we challenged ourselves to make meaningful gifts for everyone instead of running out to department stores and buying stuff they could buy themselves if they felt so inclined. Or ... {fill in the blank} ... Would something like that work better for them, even if they thought you were off your rocker?

 

If not, just realize you can't change their expectations. You can, though, communicate your own and be clear and upfront about your own needs this season. If they're shopping types who show love through buying, don't deprive them of that opportunity (towards your own kids) but let them know that this year you're opting out of the rat race. Don't let their needs negatively influence your own. Is anyone a "keeping score" kind of person? If so, lay it out on the line early on -- this is what I'm thinking of getting your kid (in a ballpark price range). If nobody else is keeping score, then don't feel badly about asserting your situation. Let everyone know what's what, and wash your hands of any guilt or worry.

 

(Easier said than done when it comes to family, I know, but the best way to keep your sanity -- until they start whining at you, that is!) Just treat the situation like you would an annoying child asking repeatedly for a Thin Mint before dinner: "No." Ad naseum. When they ask why, "It's not up for discussion right now, the answer is no." Etc.

[Hockey Mom]

No, I think it needs to be toned WAY back, even if we had all the money in the world. But I adore my family, and I would do almost anything to avoid hurting any of them. They have taken my past suggestions to tone down Christmas as me being judgmental or being bad at managing money. I am sure there is more than a grain of truth in that. My desire is not to judge them. It is their money and they can spend it the way that makes them happy. I love to buy and give gifts, too. I just don't have the money to do it.

 

This is me too. In fact, I prefer GIVING the gift instead of receiving one. And I think for ME, when I can't give a gift (especially if they've given me one), it sort of robs the joy from ME. I feel uncomfortable about receiving it. And that's why I completely understand Dh's aunt's feelings and why she stopped showing up for the holiday gathering.

 

I do think that in this country (the US) people are moving away from the orgy of consumption that we once had. And I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

[justamouse]

Well, could you put it on you? Like saying , "I love you and want to buy you gifts, but I can't put my family in debt and this is a scary time for us. It hurts me to NOT buy you gifts, and I'm afraid I will hurt our relationship if I can't afford to spend as much as we would like." just keep it all about YOU, but draw that line in the sand.

 

And, knowing how much they love giving, how are YOU going to feel when you are blessed in abundance and have given small gifts in return? I knew I felt like cr%$. But I had to deal with that and learn to become a gracious receiver. I had gifts for a family friend that came for Christmas one year. I knew she had nothing to give, we just were sharing the celebration, and she simply said thank you and kissed me and enjoyed my gifts. She didn't go on about how sorry she was, she just accepted them and from that I learned how to accept gifts. Graciously and with love, the same way they are given.

Edited August 16, 2010 by justamouse

[Old Dominion Heather]

If their only reason to do christmas with you is to get a ton of presents, then they have issues.

 

Okay, they are NOT like this AT ALL. They just love to give gifts, and my sister is very frugal, really. She probably spends less than we do on gifts, but she will spend hours each week bargain hunting and searching for the perfect gifts, and she doesn't really understand why I can't do the same thing. The fact that she has no kids and I have three seems to be lost on her! :) When I say that I will never hear the end of it, I mean that she will just not understand why I can't spend three hours a day bargain hunting and "make it happen".

 

My mom doesn't care if we gave her nothing, but I don't want her to offer to help pay for our current debt. It is too demoralizing for dh. We've got it under control, there just isn't any extra. And it just doesn't feel polite to receive gifts and have no plans to reciprocate. She already helps us out more than I am comfortable with; she gave me $1000 to pay for the boys' curriculum this year.

 

I want to emphasize here that MY MOM AND SISTER ARE AWESOME. They just have this one blind spot.

[Old Dominion Heather]

And I think for ME, when I can't give a gift (especially if they've given me one), it sort of robs the joy from ME. I feel uncomfortable about receiving it.

 

YES! This is it exactly. It makes me uncomfortable.

[justamouse]

My mom doesn't care if we gave her nothing, but I don't want her to offer to help pay for our current debt. It is too demoralizing for dh. We've got it under control, there just isn't any extra. And it just doesn't feel polite to receive gifts and have no plans to reciprocate. She already helps us out more than I am comfortable with; she gave me $1000 to pay for the boys' curriculum this year.

 

I want to emphasize here that MY MOM AND SISTER ARE AWESOME. They just have this one blind spot.

 

 

I agree about it being demoralizing for your husband.

 

Is it really 'not polite' to receive gifts from your mother and not reciprocate? I mean, I have a feeling she is going to buy you want she wants come hell or high water because you're her daughter and she loves you. Same with your family. You can ask her to tone it down, and she may, a notch, but if that is how she loves, then she's going to buy regardless. Can you accept that love from her the way she wants to love you?

[Old Dominion Heather]

Yes, and I have a feeling that that is how it is going to have to be, at least for now. But it bothers me.

[ScoutTN]

I agree with other posters that you can't change your family's behavior.

 

I'd just let them know - possibly in writing - how you will do Christmas with them and why. Very concise and clear and not critical.

 

Focus on what you can control - your own family. Do what is right for you and your kids and try to keep good boundaries with your family. Don't let their plans take over your life.

 

We don't have such an extreme situation, but DH's family is large and very controlling and holidays are often stressful for me because we don't conform to their way of doing things. But I am not able to change our financial situation and DH and I are happy with our priorities and values and serious about teaching them to our kids. So be it....

 

Be yourself, be honest without being disrespectful or unkind and let the chips fall where they may...

[justamouse]

Yes, and I have a feeling that that is how it is going to have to be, at least for now. But it bothers me.

 

It sucks, I agree.

[cougarmom4]

Maybe you could find a family in need to 'sponsor' together as a family--and all work together to make their Christmas special...instead of buying for one another.

 

We had this issue at dh's work a few years back, each buying the other 5-6 attorneys rather expensive gifts...just added to the stress and there really was no need for it. Dh finally approached them and said let's pool the money we would spend on each other and find someone who needs it or wouldn't be able to have Christmas for their kids without help. It has been a great experience and we are all so happy with the change.

[Chris in VA]

Lots of good ideas posted here!

 

So I guess it boils down to you handling your own discomfort.

 

You have to handle being on the receiving end and not trying to control any one else's decision to give to you. You also have to handle the possibility that someone may be hurt, and let them own their feelings without trying to control those feelings for them. As others have said, it seems to be about control.

 

I'm sorry you have to go thru this.

 

I do think it's a great idea to say you are going to sponsor a family from an Angel Tree (or something similar) this year. YOu can spend whatever you want on that, and make yummy bread or favorite candy or cookies for everyone in your family, or give everyone a framed picture, or make multiple copies of a family calendar (about $5 a pop with Vista Print, and you can include pictures of EVERYone! Wouldn't that be fun? Take them at Thanksgiving.)

 

Send everyone an email saying you are so grateful that you and your family have so much in abundance, and you are sure they will rejoice with you as you teach your child to give to the needy. How can they argue with that? It would make them look bad to object. If you can, tell them you are going on Christmas Eve to deliver the gifts, and everyone can come--find an organization that will let you do that.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I think you're going to have to accept the fact that SOMEONE will be unhappy no matter what you do here, no matter how you say it, no matter how sweet and kind and gentle you are about telling them.

 

I'd also venture to guess that you aren't the only one feeling this way in the family, given the current financial climate. You're just the one who is vocal about it.

 

I'd send out an email that says something like:

 

Dear Family

Christmas is approaching and we are looking forward to spending time with all of you at some our family festivities!

 

For a number of reasons, we have decided to simplify Christmas, and we will only be purchasing gifts for our own family. We respectfully request that you do not purchase us Christmas gifts, as we will be unable to reciprocate. Spending time with loved ones will be gift enough for us!

 

Thanks for your understanding!

Love, the "Smith" family

[Sebastian (a lady)]

 

I want to emphasize here that MY MOM AND SISTER ARE AWESOME. They just have this one blind spot.

 

I think that it is quite ok and appropriate for you to tell your mom that you don't want her to pay for your family's gifts. Maybe you could put it in terms of not wanting to raise unrealistic expectations when the reality is that you have to live within a certain income. And that you are blessing her grandchildren by helping them learn that happiness doesn't have to come from the next new thing.

 

Then I would also give her an area and an amount that I was happy accepting help with. Something that could be her blessing to your family, like a zoo or museum membership or music lessons. My mom is a shopper and a gift giver. She also lives near the Half-Price Books flagship store. So I'll give her lists of books that we're hunting for (and max prices to spend on each one).

 

We've had to get really specific over the years. I've also been known to ask the grandparents to help the kids tidy up their bedrooms. That is usually good for 3-6 months of acceptance that the kids really don't "need" anything.

[ktgrok]

Send out an email or letter explaining that you are cutting back on your christmas budget, but will be looking forward to spending time with everyone and enjoying the true meaning of christmas. That although the material gifts will be less you are not dismayed because you know Jesus, Joseph, and Mary didn't have a big budge either, and they did just fine. Then get a family portrait done at Sears and buy inexpensive but pretty frames. Give one to each couple, and get an inexpensive game for each family that has kids. Done. I've done this myself in lean years.

[Caraway]

Oh, believe me, we do all that too. Believe me, when I say big Christmas, I mean time wise as well. My mom's festivities start the day after Thanksgiving and end on Twelfth Night. EVERYTHING is bigger.

 

I guess the thing that is stopping me from making a stink about it is that it will offend my mom, since I DO a hard time justifying spending that money on people who have all they need. And my sister... I will NEVER hear the end of it from her.

 

 

I would not go with the budget issue as your leading point. If I am understanding, for you, it needs to change independent of money.

 

With my MIL, we had a similar issue, although it was more about inappropriate gifts - of the "if your mother says no plastic I will buy the largest, most plastic, most noise making thing ever." So we told her that we were adopting a Christmas challenge and would like them to join us. The only gifts that can be given are: books, music, or made it yourself.

 

It has been one of my best ideas ever. We all have Amazon wish lists, which we make sure to update before December. We can give used books, books we have already read, books where favorite passages are marked. You could buy new books. There is still the capacity to spend a LOT of money, but not the need. And it isn't obvious who spent a lot of money, because they are books, music, and handmade gifts.

 

For your family I might add "experiences". So you could give any "experience" in which both the giver and the receiver participated. This could be very extravagent, or frugal. Lots of money? Trip in an airplane. Day shopping in the city. Visit to Disneyland. Less money? Hand delivery of cookies once a month for a year. Tea party in backyard decorated with white lights, kids serving finger sandwiches. Trip to the city to ride the train and have lunch.

 

You could either suggest that everyone goes with these rules, or say that this is how your family is handling Christmas. Anyone who doesn't want to receive these types of gifts is free to stop exchanging.

 

And then - stick to your guns. Do what you say you are doing. And at the last minute, when years of Christmases past haunt you, DO NOT GIVE IN. Know that a few gifts, well thought out mean so much more.

 

And face the problem NOW. Before anyone has the chance to tell you that they have already bought everything!

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

its hard.

 

you've described my family of origin. their love language is gift giving. they love us a lot. sigh....

 

one year, we set a dollar limit, and worked within that. BUT we spent hours wrapping them in amazing ways.... that year there were "trains", "books", and many other special wrappings. the gifts inside hadn't cost us that much.

 

another year, we made a donation to heifer international, and then made homemade gifts for each person - their favorite cookies, jams, etc.

 

another year we did photo albums for each person. (this didn't take as long as it sounds, as i did it on line and there were common pages for each book + a few specialty pages for each family).

 

yes, its different. yes, there was/is some flack. yes, it will be fine (or it will be what it will be). in the end, you need to be in real relationship, which involves being true to yourself....

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

eta: dh's current saying when someone asks us what we would like is "our house is full. we don't need another thing. but we'd love a visit." sort of hard to argue with....

[kalanamak]

 

My mom/younger sister have this expectation of massive celebration at my mom's house involving gifts for my mom, her husband, my sister, my BIL, my grandmother, her husband, and my three adult cousins. And these are not little token gifts, they are big. I spend $60-$80 each on my mom's , sister's and BIL's gifts and $20-$40 on the others. And my sons' are expected to have gifts from them to each person. Oh AND my husband is also supposed to have a gift for each person, except the cousins, where it is okay for us to go in together.

 

What do these people DO with all this stuff?

 

I don't mean to make light, but could you blame it on the political party whomever you are talking to loathes? :)

 

Best of luck. I'd get small prezzies, or even kids make them themselves prezzies, homemade cards, and come dressed in a huge smile and lots of air kisses. If you'd think it would work, private, sincere, short chats with the family kingpins?

 

:grouphug: YOu are a better woman than I. I'd have been grinching in the closet all these years. Those fake wounds on the lips to look like herpes. Pre-chewed food to deposit in the toilet: oops, I'm so sick, time to go, kids.

 

Like the coyote, I might gnaw off a foot to get out of that trap.

[Farmgirl70]

Heather, I love to give gifts, too. However, we have never had a large income or the inclination to add to all the "stuff" our families have. But I still want to give gifts to express love in that language. Other people here have given similar ideas, but I'll echo them.

 

I would express how much the love of your family means to you, how much you appreciate their generosity, how much you enjoy giving, etc and then explain that for various reasons your family will be scaling back the expense of your giving and that you hope that they will understand, etc...

 

Then, I would think about creative giving that costs less...

...coupons for a shared event? recordings of your kids playing their instruments? (my kids have made me similar recordings that mean so much to me) homemade treats? crafts that you make? a photo album celebrating the family? a calendar with family photos to remind each other of birthdays and fun times together? a heartfelt letter of appreciation with a simple luxury that the recipient enjoys?

For one of the grandparent birthdays my SIL made a pretty jar full of pieces of paper (one for each year lived). On each paper was one thing that was appreciated or special about that grandparent. Some of these sorts of gifts have communicated love and being "known" to me more than an expensive gift.

 

Your family may have their doubts at first, but you can do what you need and communicate love and thoughtfulness to them. Eventually, I think that they will respect you for it. You can give as you like and they can give as they like and it should be fine. After all, it is about communicating love, not trading similarly valued goods, right?

 

I hope this turns out to be a truly lovely Christmas for you and your family!

[AK_Mom4]

Well.....if you gotta buy presents, I recommend the weird and cheap.

 

Pink Flamingo Cocktail Stirrer Sets

Rubber Duckies

Super-Duper Bouncy Balls

Whoopee Cushions

Kitchen Towels with big-eyed kittens on them

Black Velvet Paintings of Elvis or Dogs Playing Poker

 

Frankly, I'd be shopping the ghastly aisle at our local junk stores and stocking up - you have several different groups, so duplicates are fine.

 

Bet you could do the whole thing for under $100 with a good sense of humor......

[ktgrok]

After reading everyone else's replies I really like the idea of giving to charity instead. I've done this with my sister actually...she has much more money than I do, and doesn't need anything. So for her birthday I give a donation to a charity I know she would approve of, and they send her a pretty card saying a donation was made in her name. And the card doesn't say how much was given, which I like. So you could donate $5 per person, or whatever your budget does allow, and they would get a card without knowing how MUCH you donated. Some even have it arranged so there is a small gift with the card, like a handmade bookmark or bracelet, with the money going to charity. I gave all the women braclets last year that were made by women in africa, with the proceeds going to support AIDS orphans. The beauty of this is that they can't possibly complain without looking like a jerk :)

 

Katie

[Chris in VA]

Just wanted to add that, if you give a gift to a charity, think about NOT doing it in the name of the person you are gifting. They will often receive mailings (there are some real "mailings heavy" charities out there--Food For The Poor and Heifer stand out) they don't necessarily want, and even phone calls. So, do it in YOUR name, but give them a card telling them what you did.

 

You could do pledges, too--Once, knowing that my own weight loss would be a good thing for our marriage and a gift of sorts to my hubby, I gave him a stuffed cow and told him I was not going to visit McD's for a whole year, and I was going to use the $ I would save to donate a cow to Heifer International, instead.

[Cera]

Our family has recently switched to drawing names for Christmas gifts and it is great. At Thanksgiving everyone's name goes into a hat and we each pick one person to buy for at Christmas. It has made shopping fun because we only have to look for four great gifts rather than a bunch of stuff that we are just buying to buy. We have a $100 per person limit to appease the people who like to spend money but some of the best gifts have been very inexpensive (a copy of a favorite out of print book, monthly flowers for a year from someone's garden). It has taken some of the stress out of the holidays and made it a lot more personal.

[ma23peas]

I think times like these have a purpose....Christmas in the states has become a tremendous commercial...spend spend spend, I saw Christmas stuff in the mall the other day..remember the days when it wasn't out until Thanksgiving??

 

I would get the tree (you probably already have ornaments) and put the stockings out, explain to the kids that you want to bring the family together and focus on what is important...you'll each be listening and watching each other intently over the next few months and think of something that each of you should get for Christmas..rules are it has to fit into the stocking and one gift per person...it can be kind of a fun game to try and come up with that one special gift that has come from much thought not just lathering on the tokens...

 

As for extended family...a LOT can be done with the computer for FREE!! Maybe take some free online photoshop classes...then create a special page for each family member you usually buy a gift for...if you have pictures from all the past Christmases or birthdays or other family events, create a "What we love about you" page...you can print it up online with discounts even a 12x12 size...then frame it in a special box decorated by words from your children...use sharpie markers and have them write their favorite memories of that person...you don't have to buy a frame for it..you could even glue it to foam board rather cheaply....it's something no one can do for themselves b/c frankly everyone's so busy...but it would be something that meant a lot from you to them..

 

Embrace this as an opportunity to strengthen your family, not as a pity point that you can't match what others expect....the reason for the season should go deeper than parties and frills.

 

Tara

[Old Dominion Heather]

Thank you! You all have some awesome ideas and I'll be using them.

 

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. What I am hearing is that whatever I do, I need to let them know quickly, and I will.

 

I'm planning to broach the subject this weekend while my sister is still worrying over their debt from 10 days in the UK. Strike while the iron is hot!

 

ETA: oops. This was meant for all of you. I meant it to go under my original post.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

That's a tough situation. You have my sympathies because this will not be an easy conversation to have.

 

Because of that, I would start having that conversation now. It would be good to call your mom and let her know that because of all the things you've been dealing with this year, your family will not be able to buy the amount of gifts that you have in the past. You may have to keep saying it.

 

About 5 years ago, we stopped buying for all family outside our own 3 dc. DH and I only buy some stocking stuff for each other and that's about it. We just couldn't/can't keep up with nieces, nephews, in laws, siblings....it gets out of control. It was hard! We've always done something for everyone. It's sooooo freeing when you don't!

 

Maybe another thing you could do which we do is start a new tradition of a holiday party that you host. You could do white elephant giving with a fun game to exchange it all. Another thing we host is a cookie/treat exchange. We've also done a mother/daughter tea and a father/son sledding party with a gingerbread house making afterward for each family to make one to bring home.

 

Anyway, when we put the focus on time and traditions instead of gifts, it really brought the holidays alive for us. We wouldn't go back. My dc barely think about gifts. They talk all year about all the fun traditions and things we do.

 

Good luck!

[5LittleMonkeys]

I'll bet if your mom and sis are as awesome as you say they are they will respect your decision even if they don't understand it. :grouphug:

[Tina]

My family solved it this way.

 

We drew names among the adults and set a $ limit--currently $50. We all still bought for the kids. It is about the kids, right? ;)

 

Then--and this would be so doable for your aunt even--we brought a white elephant gift. Some years this has been something bought-maybe $20- and some years this has had to be something you didn't buy, something you already had and were ready to part with. Some years they are practical gifts, and sometimes a collection of oddball stuff. A bag of Menards freebies has been back several times, for instance, or maybe one holds a bunch of unrelated items.

 

We have had more fun with this, and the kids can't wait to get old enough to be part of the game (graduated from high school); they've heard us all laughing like crazy upstairs while they were relegated to the basement rec room.

 

We draw numbers, and #1 picks a wrapped gift and unwraps it. #2 can steal that gift or pick a wrapped one. If he steals a gift, the giftless person picks another wrapped one. Play continues with each person stealing from another or picking and unwrapping an unknown gift. If your gift has been stolen, you can steal someone's gift or take a wrapped one, if there are any left. One rule: you cannot steal back a gift just stolen from you.

 

Christmas is a time for family fun. We definitely love this tradition. And everyone still gets to do some shopping. My parents still get gifts for all the adults, some bought and some homemade by Mom. My sisters and I also have been exchanging an ornament or some other small thing annually, too. This is the only time of year we buy for each other, after all. ;)

[elise1mds]

Good luck to you! I've been reading the suggestions with a lot of interest, too, because I'm dealing with a similar issue. I'm kind of on a different side of things, though, where nobody has a lot of money EXCEPT us (and we don't have a lot AT ALL until you start to compare), and so they expect more out of us than from everyone else. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Between both families, we have about 18 people to "do Christmas" for, and I just refuse this year.

 

I think I'm going to make a list of the magazines on Amazon that have cheap subscriptions and e-mail everyone with a list and tell them to choose which one they want. Between that and the mini-loaves of bread I've made every year for the past few years, I think I'm calling it good. And next year I'll renew the magazine or change their subscription.

 

I thumb my nose at holiday commercialism. Bleh.

[Denisemomof4]

NOBODY should have financial expectations on your family. It's terribly presumptuous, inappropriate, and totally rude. I can't believe a family would place those expectations on you!

 

I *hated* my family doing Christmas so big. It wasn't that we didn't have the money to reciprocate, but I just hated the whole focus being on gift giving. It almost became a competition and it was sick and NOT fun At All.

 

We simply changed what we did and I refused to allow myself to feel guilty. I let the family know how dh and I felt and then allowed them to do as they wanted. BUT, again, I didn't allow any guilt on my part. I simply thanked them for my family's gifts and moved on. They didn't show a lot of appreciation for what we did initially. My family was VERY materialistic and I *hated* it. My sister was the worst and she didn't have the money to buy her gifts! She charged everything for years and years and years and then filed bankruptcy this year. :rant: She has lead a lavish life, fancy vacations, expensive clothing and jewelry, etc., all on charge cards. She's about to have her house foreclosed on, too, because she borrrowed so much against it that now they can't pay their mortgage. They bought the house 22 years ago for $175, put 50k down (from a previous home sale and divorce) and now owe 350k. :ohmy: BUt they got to feed their materialistic need! And she MOST DEFINITELY tried to out-do everyone. It was disgusting.

 

Christmas is killing us financially. We probably spent $1000 on larger family last year and about $200 on our kids. Unless we have unexpected money come in, we will have to put even the kids' gifts on the credit card and those will have to be scaled way back. At this point, we are barely making it pay check to pay check.

 

 

 

Sit on this. REALLY think about what you said here. You MUST do the responsible thing FOR YOUR FAMILY and not allow your extended family to influence you. They have NO RIGHT to speak to you about how you handle your finances or how you handle your family. Do they even know that you and dh don't exchange gifts, and that the bulk of your money is spent on them and not your own kids? I'd tell them this and let them know that from now on, gifts will be sparse and likely home made. That reminds me. My sister complained when her friend spent hours and hours making her a gift. Sister thought it was "cheap" and I was disgusted that she didn't appreciate the time and thoughtfulness that went into that gift.:glare: