DO you think you are ready for the difficult parenting jobs?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Like dealing with teenage drama?

Abusive boyfriends?

Wrecked cars?

Lipstick parties?

 

I mean the really tough stuff that is going to require muscle and fortitude.

 

(Not that we have experienced all of these. I'm just throwing them out there for discussion.)

 

Do you think you will handle the repercussions of action or inaction?

 

What extremes will you go to to protect your children?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, because we've hit some of the difficult parenting jobs. It's hard but you roll up your sleeves and get to work correcting, redirecting, praying and loving. I protect my children by fortifying them with the Word of God. That is the muscle that my husband and I have needed to handle difficult problems and that is the muscle that my kids need. I also protect my children by directing them into alternate paths that are healthier for them.

[MotherGoose]

My dd are under 5, so this stuff is a ways off. But I have always thought that if they got themselves into trouble, they were going to have to get themselves out of it. I'll help, of course, but I won't make excuses for bad behavior, even if it means they will suffer unpleasant "real world" consequences. I always thought that if they went to ps and came to me the night a project was due for help to begin it, I'd say, "Sorry, I don't have time." No homework completion for me. Wrecked cars (assuming no one is hurt) they'd be covering the financial damage. I don't want adult responsibilities to come as a complete shock--I think that's why so many kids these days can't seem to ever leave home.

[AuntieM]

How does that saying go, "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance"?

 

Anyway, we haven't hit the toughest of issues yet, in spite of some drama, but there's already a lot of vigilance going on, keeping our eyes open for the seeds of problems so we can address potential troubles before they grow and become *big* issues. We certainly won't catch everything, and it's already exhausting sometimes, but we believe it is energy well spent.

 

No doubt we'll get broadsided at some point. Do I feel prepared for that? Not really. But I do trust that the Lord knows His plans for us and that He will provide the right measure of grace in the moment of need.

[charmama4]

uh, what is a lipstick party?:001_huh:

[holdoll]

uh, what is a lipstick party?:001_huh:

 

:bigear:

[Perry]

uh, what is a lipstick party?:001_huh:

wiki

[Aubrey]

I hope so? We talk to the dc now about things they will feel & want to do/be dared to do, the way hormones work, rebellious feelings, good friends & bad friends. We try to help them identify those feelings when they pop up in miniature form *now* so we can help them learn good strategies for those feelings.

 

We've TOLD them the things that those crazy hormones will make them think when they're older--we're unfair/mean/stupid/etc--in the hopes that they'll still want to prove us wrong when they hit that age.

 

And while we're at it, we're working on a brainwashing campaign against 80s fashion. Just because the stuff's ugly. :lol:

[Sophia]

Last summer, my oldest son's best friend died in a gun accident.

 

Helping ds through his grief is the most difficult parenting task we have encountered so far. Our faith (all Christian, including the boy who died) was the sustaining force.

 

In the midst of grieving W., dh said "this changes everything" and I knew what he meant was come what may, we are always going to treasure the time we have with our son (all our dc!), because we are not promised tomorrow.

 

Trials will come and they will make us want to pull our hair out at times, but, at least, we still have them.

 

We will use trials to point them to our Savior and pray for mercy, grace and wisdom meanwhile.

 

(And yes, our oldest has given us plenty of opportunities to test our resolve in the past year ;))

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Well... DD is only 4.5, so... NOT YET!!!!! :tongue_smilie:

 

Actually, I hope that I am well-equipped to handle all of the "tough stuff". I've been saying forever that it isn't the baby care that is hard... midnight diaper changes, 3am feedings, that stuff it easy... The tough stuff is teaching morals and values, etc.

 

I was a bad teenager. My parents don't really know about most of it, and are in denial about what they do know, but really, I was bad. I've personally dealt with a lot, so I'm hoping that in 10 years I'll remember it when dealing with the teenage stuff. That's my plan at least... to try and remember what it was like to be a teenager myself, and hopefully through the relationship I am building with my daughter NOW, we can get through it intact!

[TravelingChris]

I have one adult, one older teenager and one younger teenager. We haven't had any of those problems. But other major problems= yes. I am living through it. I think what it does to you is age you. Much more so than little child problems. Because when they are older teens or young adults, you really see how a problem they have now is likely to be there in some way forever. The fantasy that all bad things go away is gone. You have to deal with reality whatever that is. On the other hand, I only have a few more years of any at home drama and I believe that it will be a boost to my health when they finally all leave. Not that I don't love them but the drama is not good for my health. Being separated physically from the issues is a partial relief.

[Renee in NC]

A friend once pointed something out to me. He and I were both "rough" teens. We both had children as teens, did too much partying, etc.

 

He pointed out, that despite all of the trouble we got into, we had grown into responsible, conservative adults.

 

There are some things that are *biggies* to me, but most things I try to think, "This too shall pass." We don't have as much "control" over our teens as we might like to think. All we can do is be there, listen, and offer advice when necessary. Enact reasonable boundaries, but don't micromanage.

 

It's not a good idea to go into it thinking we can stop them from doing stupid things or making bad decisions. Eventually they will leave your home and live their own life - whether you agree with their choices or not.

[Liz CA]

This must have been very difficult.

We have not encountered anything I would rate "too tough to handle" in the past 19yrs.

We are fortunate that ds got entrenched in a very good youth group (I know some youth groups leave a lot to be desired) and continues to have friends who are of the same belief system, moral principles, etc. All this does not mean that nothing bad will ever happen.

 

The basic rule for me was always to let them have enough rope (freedom) to potentially hang themselves (figuratively speaking). I don't mean I let him experiment with drugs and alcohol and other dangerous conduct.

We talked about certain freedoms that could be gained by good behavior. He could earn more freedom along the way. Whenever something happened that violated our rules, a chunk of freedom was taken away. It could be earned again with months of improved behavior.

By the time he was 18, it was almost a non-issue. But I don't think you can start this process when they turn 16. It had to be in place from early childhood.

I have to say though, that this guy was never overly rebellious. We always kept up dialog about whatever was a current issue. He was allowed to make his points, we made ours. Before he turned 18, we had the last say.

Even now, while he still lives in our home, we expect him to call if he thinks he'll come home extremely late. Politeness is not dependent on age.

 

I would have tried the same principles with a daughter but I can hardly comment on it since it is hypothetical.

 

[MBM]

I have two independent adult children in their 20s, but we didn't experience any of those problems, thankfully, or drinking or drugs. (They even went to public schools.)

I think it helps to talk with children honestly about how certain choices can lead to problems. Listen empathetically to them. Strive to be close and caring. Give them responsibilities as they grow and opportunities to develop interests and hobbies. Help them find a purpose not just for themselves but for others, too. Our two came out of their teen years unscathed, and they continue to make good decisions -- all on their own now. I'm very grateful for that!

Of course, luck helps, too.

[Mommyof4ks]

We have dealt with a life threatening medical issue with our youngest, so my thinking is that whatever they throw at us as teens will be a piece of cake compared to that.

 

ETA: Lipstick parties. Yikes, never heard of that before today.

[PollyOR]

I braced myself for those types of things, but it was the things I never imagined that have been the hardest to deal with.

 

When my oldest called to tell me she was pregnant (19), I handled it well. Was I a bit disappointed? Yeah, but my sister had gone through something similar and I knew from that experience that we would survive and everything would be okay. Life goes on. What I didn't expect is that she would marry someone I find very hard to be around :001_huh:.

 

Then there is my 15yo. I don't have to worry about her sneaking off with boys or testing drugs/alcohol. Nope, instead we've spent the past two years in and out of doctor's offices while she struggles with depression. Didn't see that one coming.

 

The next 10+ years should be quite interesting.

[Impish]

I don't know that any parent is ever ready for what they worry about...and its usually stuff that you *don't* worry about that happens. I hope and pray that I get my kids through whatever the future holds in a way that strengthens our relationship.

 

I'm not sure that the first broken heart won't send Wolf or I out to beat some one else's kid senseless, let alone the stuff you mentioned. :001_huh:

[holdoll]

The first thing I wanted to do is stick my head in the sand when I read the original post and then the wiki def on lipstick party! Ugh! :glare: However, that is not how I live my life on a daily basis. I'm a "meet everything head-on" type of gal. I'm not sure why this frightens me so much except the fear of the unknown maybe? Or because I am selfish and see exceptional lives for my girls and afraid that one mistake will change that forever? I'll have to think on this.

 

I believe I have a pretty good relationship with both my dd's. My oldest tells me I'm her best friend. I've worked really hard at being close with both of them and spending one-on-one time with them as "mom" and not "teacher".

 

I was one of those rough girls too. My parents didn't have a clue and neither did my dh's parents. So we talk - and- listen to them as much as possible. (I never talked to my parents and they never asked questions.) We study and search the Scriptures together. I pray the L-rds grace and mercy upon us as we deal with whatever comes our way. Someone else posted here that they give more freedom but with poor behavior a chunk of freedom is taken away. That's what we've been doing. Then they know that they must earn that freedom back with demonstrated good behavior and respect for us and themselves.

 

I am listening with open ears and heart to all of you... :bigear:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think it is sad that the majority of parents feel that these things fall under "no doubt." REALLY sad. I understand that our children have choices to make and we can only guide and teach them so far. And sometimes things will go massively wrong. They still could for ME (my kids are 15 and almost 18). However, a LOT of families have NO real issues. And others have fairly minor or short-lived ones. It *is* possible to make it through the young adult years with minor/few scars and some are quite superficial.

 

I *do* think we *can* parent BETTER and that will help. I also believe that believing all this doom and gloom about teenagers is problematic. That doesn't mean we can dig our heads into the sand. And we shouldn't be in a position to get blind-sided completely. But maybe if we BELIEVE that we can get through with few/minor issues and *really* work towards making that the case, we'd have even MORE of that situation.

 

I guess I believe in BALANCE. I'm afraid society as a whole has lost that. They don't believe in young people and they don't, in general, set them up for success. I was DETERMINED not to be one of "them." But EVERY goal has to be comprised of smaller goals and a LOT of action.

[Nestof3]

That is just sick. Honestly? No, I don't think I have to worry about that. Call me naive.

 

wiki

 

Things are different with older kids -- our eldest is 20. It is hard when they have more freedom and start making so many decisions on their own. He hasn't done everything how we would prefer, but so far, nothing has happened that remotely resembles that (thankfully). My husband and I are very conservative, though, so things that would bother us would not bother my parents, for example.

Edited July 27, 2010 by nestof3

[Peela]

Well so far my kids are better than I was as a teen, so anything else coming is probably just my karma :)

 

Yes, its tough, sometimes exhausting, and surprising to realise it might actualy be a relief when they move out, even though I adore them to bits.

 

I think that all important phrase" building relationship" holds true just as much or even more when they are teens. Trying to parent the same doesn't work. These are young adults now and they need to be met on a different level. As a parent I flip flop between too easy going and too strict- I probably always did. But I have a good relationship with the kids and do my best to see things from their perspective, and pick my battles. I give them as much freedom as I can without having a fit myself. There are things I allow I never thought I would. There are things I don't allow yet that I thought I might by this age. Lol, I allowed my dd16 to get a belly button piercing this week. I think I earned lots of Brownie Points saying yes to that :)

 

One day, one moment at a time. In some ways its less work, in other ways, more. I get a lot more time to myself..but when they are around, it seems more intense. They opinions, and their bodies, take up more space than they used to :)

[AuntieM]

...I *do* think we *can* parent BETTER and that will help. I also believe that believing all this doom and gloom about teenagers is problematic. That doesn't mean we can dig our heads into the sand. And we shouldn't be in a position to get blind-sided completely. But maybe if we BELIEVE that we can get through with few/minor issues and *really* work towards making that the case, we'd have even MORE of that situation.

 

I guess I believe in BALANCE. I'm afraid society as a whole has lost that. They don't believe in young people and they don't, in general, set them up for success. I was DETERMINED not to be one of "them." But EVERY goal has to be comprised of smaller goals and a LOT of action.

 

When I spoke of being broadsided in my earlier post, I was referring more to handling unpredictable events. Like the death of a friend. Or fiancé. A life altering illness. That kind of thing.

 

I agree that we need to keep our eyes, ears and hearts open so we can learn of potential problems before they develop into large ones.

[LauraGB]

That is just sick. Honestly? No, I don't think I have to worry about that. Call me naive.

 

 

 

My friend, whose 2 sons recently graduated from ps (and who also has a daughter my kids' age also in ps) told me this is par for the course in ps (as in AT ps). I was completely surprised.

 

Regarding the OP's question, dh and I were not the most well behaved teens. We have been equipped to see the tell-tale signs of drugs, alcohol, lies, abusive boyfriends (or girlfriends) etc, and I would likely be the one to come down like a hammer. The thing that I'm not sure I'm well equipped to handle is the emotional aspect of friend's lives; suicide, abuse, running away. That's the part I really dread. From my own 7th grade until I was 22, at least one person per year from my class committed suicide. It was incredibly tough to handle. My parents weren't much support, either. So, that is the part I will try my hardest with, if it comes about.

[Danestress]

Even having raised one to 22 (and we got to do the drama and wrecked car, but not the other items you mentioned) I am not ready. Nope. I'm especially not ready having done it once.

 

But you know, you don't have to wait for a teenager to have the really hard parts. There are many on this board dealing with heart breakingly difficult issues with young children. I think parenthood is something you just do, ready or not.

[Smithie]

I'm afraid that really bad stuff will happen, but really excited by the possibility that my teenagers will be relatively stable people, disinclined to lipstick parties or drunk driving, and that we'll be able to enjoy a really exciting life of world travel.

 

That's the extreme I'm willing to go to. We are not planning to raise teenagers in the USA.

[mom31257]

We are at the age now with our dd. I feel that we are ready, but it will be hard for us if she is like that because we both were very good, responsible teens. I'm not saying we were perfect, but we really wanted to obey our parents and respect those in authority over us.

 

Dd is moody at times. She has tendancies toward lying when she thinks she'll get in trouble. It's usually over very little things, though. This in turn causes it to become a big thing because of lying. She'll do really well for awhile, but it does rear it's ugly head.

 

She is very strong and independent in her thinking. She has a level head on her shoulders, is very modest in dress, and really thinks if "everyone" is doing something then she probably won't. She is so willing to be herself and not do stuff just to make people like her.

 

So far, I think we'll have good teen years. We've taught her right from wrong, but it will be her life to live it out. We will survive with lots of prayer!

[KidsHappen]

Ok, I typed out one response that got lost in the ether and this is a very hard question to answer so I am just going to give you the short version this time. I have had to deal with the really difficult (I am talking life and death) parenting jobs already and I do not feel anymore prepared to deal with these sort of things than I did before. Each difficulty and each child is unique and has to be handled in it's own way.

 

I am just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with my son and I am hoping that it is not another train. The other child that put me through the wringer was dealt with in very unconventional ways (as in probably illegal and I guarantee no one here would have handled the situation the way that I did) but she got back on the right path fairly quickly and is doing very well now. The one I really worry about though is the 13 year old bi-polar dd because I was that child and I know the many dangerous things that I did. WHen my children hear some of the stories that ask me how it is that I am even still alive. The truth of the matter is that I was simply blessed with more than my fair share of luck but I am not counting on that to get my dd through her teen years. I just hope that I am able to manage things to the best interest of my child.

[kalanamak]

Perhaps I'm kidding myself, but I view one of the unintended perks of working civilly and forensically committed mental patients, as well as DD sex-offenders, is that I'm ready for everything.

 

Plus, after seeing some wonderful families struggling along as best they can, I know "it can happen to me", whatever it is.

[MBM]

When I spoke of being broadsided in my earlier post, I was referring more to handling unpredictable events. Like the death of a friend. Or fiancé. A life altering illness. That kind of thing.

 

Suicide in teens can be tough to handle especially since humans tend to use social proof (copy catting) as a way to figure out how to handle situations in life. My eldest found his best friend right after he attempted suicide. He had slashed his wrists, and because my son found him, they managed to save his friend. We immediately sought help for ds from others which proved to be beneficial. That was almost 10 years ago, btw, and both are still close friends and doing well emotionally. But, yeah, it was a nerve-wracking time.

 

A number of tragic events occurred while I was young, too -- both parents died in my teens and my best friend was murdered. I think what helped me the most is that I have relatively good coping mechanisms.

 

In nutshell, though, you can't fully prepare yourself for unexpected events that might occur in the future.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thank you for the heartfelt replies. Some of your stories have brought tears to my eyes.

 

 

--Just for the record -- I have not experienced all of the things I mentioned. The car wreck - yes. Lipstick parties - thankfully no, but some of my students have been to them and when we talk about teenage sexuality they are quite honest about their behavior. One student told me parents really have no idea what is going on.

 

I am surprised and a little envious of those of you who say you are prepared for the tough jobs. I thought I was but I find myself feeling more and more inadequate as my children age. I felt more confident when they were younger. I would much rather deal with issues like the adulteration of Dora the Explorer than teenage boys thinking smacking their girlfriends is acceptable behavior.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was one who said "yes" I was ready. Perhaps that was a misnomer because twice this year I was knocked flat on my butt (figuratively) by things my son had started to get into. But God was gracious in allowing us to be able to intervene early and to redirect him. And we've been fortunate that so far our son seems amenable to redirection. I've also seen/heard from friends just this past year who have dealt with teen pregnancy, drugs, and suicide attempts (and in two cases actual suicide). I said yes, because despite how hard my experience has been and how incredibly hard my friend's experiences have been, I've seen how God's grace has and is sufficient to see me and my friends through. I am not trusting in my own ability as a parent to handle these difficult parenting jobs but in God's ability to sustain me no matter what choices my children make.

 

In my life, I've also survived sexual assault, physical assault and abuse. I've seen that God is sufficient to handle even those things that are not a result of wrong choices but are a result of others' evil choices.

[Hannah C.]

I was in public hs for three years, and I never heard of anyone actually attending a lipstick party. I am very, very grateful that if it was happening, I missed it.

 

Just so you moms know that it's not a given for public schoolers to be exposed to that. :)

[*********]

About a year ago, my dh and I encountered a situation with my dsd that we never anticipated. Ever.

 

We were like 'Ok, that's not something I expected. At. All.' But then we took it to the Lord, prayed about it, talked about it, and prayed some more.

 

We're still dealing with it, and dsd is trying her best to catch us off guard again, LOL. So no, I don't think I"m 'ready'. I'll never be 'ready'. But mercifully, I have the Lord to give these things over to.

 

I love my dsd; she has taught me so much about myself, about how what giving something over to the Lord *really means.

 

Every few months it seems she comes at us with something new, and dh and I are doing better with not reacting right away. We try to take the time to talk to one another about it, pray about it, and discuss it with dsd if appropriate. I find things go better if dh and I don't fly off the handle. :)

[swimmermom3]

I think it is sad that the majority of parents feel that these things fall under "no doubt." REALLY sad. I understand that our children have choices to make and we can only guide and teach them so far. And sometimes things will go massively wrong. They still could for ME (my kids are 15 and almost 18). However, a LOT of families have NO real issues. And others have fairly minor or short-lived ones. It *is* possible to make it through the young adult years with minor/few scars and some are quite superficial.

 

I *do* think we *can* parent BETTER and that will help. I also believe that believing all this doom and gloom about teenagers is problematic. That doesn't mean we can dig our heads into the sand. And we shouldn't be in a position to get blind-sided completely. But maybe if we BELIEVE that we can get through with few/minor issues and *really* work towards making that the case, we'd have even MORE of that situation.

 

I guess I believe in BALANCE. I'm afraid society as a whole has lost that. They don't believe in young people and they don't, in general, set them up for success. I was DETERMINED not to be one of "them." But EVERY goal has to be comprised of smaller goals and a LOT of action.

 

I am not sure how I feel about this post. We are a "normal" family-healthy relationship with each other and our kids. No skeletons in our closet, a positive outlook with regards to our kids and the future. Support networks in place. Check. As another poster wrote, we were blind-sided by the lingering depression of our oldest.

 

Preparation. The best things I can think of are excellent self-care, a strong marriage (if you are married), open and positive communication with your children, positive family values that are clear to all family members and are reinforced, a non-judgmental support network, and faith in a higher being if that's how your world rolls. If you work on these things and nothing major happens with your kids, then your life will be blessed. If something happens, then in a sense, you are as best prepared as you can be. You also have to roll up your sleeves and do the work. At the end of the day, roll out your favorite comedies and watch them. You have to keep laughing. It's the key to survival.

[swellmomma]

YEs I think I am. My kids have put me through parenting boot camp fromt eh get go with their insane behaviours. I think that I am pretty much ready to deal with any challenges parenting sends my way including (but not limited to) the ones you listed.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

I *do* think we *can* parent BETTER and that will help. I also believe that believing all this doom and gloom about teenagers is problematic. That doesn't mean we can dig our heads into the sand. And we shouldn't be in a position to get blind-sided completely. But maybe if we BELIEVE that we can get through with few/minor issues and *really* work towards making that the case, we'd have even MORE of that situation.

 

I guess I believe in BALANCE. I'm afraid society as a whole has lost that. They don't believe in young people and they don't, in general, set them up for success. I was DETERMINED not to be one of "them." But EVERY goal has to be comprised of smaller goals and a LOT of action.

 

Pam - Are you saying that it's the lack of good parenting that leads kids into tough situations? Or how we handle them is bad parenting? Can't good parents end up in situations that are difficult and problematic? Is acknowledging that teens make bad choices problematic? How is trying to prepare for adolescent reality problematic?

 

Are you trying to make the case for the self-fulfilling prophecy? If you believe raisingteens will be easy than it will be easy? If you believe there will br trouble than there will be?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

There are things I don't allow yet that I thought I might by this age. Lol, I allowed my dd16 to get a belly button piercing this week. I think I earned lots of Brownie Points saying yes to that :) Yes, you did! My DD got one a couple of months ago.

 

One day, one moment at a time. In some ways its less work, in other ways, more. I get a lot more time to myself..but when they are around, it seems more intense. They opinions, and their bodies, take up more space than they used to :)

:iagree: That's a nice way of phrasing it.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I agree that we need to keep our eyes, ears and hearts open so we can learn of potential problems before they develop into large ones.

 

:iagree: but sometimes the big problems sneak in on baby steps and what didn't appear to be a problem ends up being worse than a parent could imagine. At the point, even with diligence and forethought, the problem is there what steps do/should parents take to fix it? Do we let our children suffer the consequences? Do we step in and mediate? Take control?

What if the consequences are life altering or life threatening?

[Denisemomof4]

Pam - Are you saying that it's the lack of good parenting that leads kids into tough situations? Or how we handle them is bad parenting? Can't good parents end up in situations that are difficult and problematic? Is acknowledging that teens make bad choices problematic? How is trying to prepare for adolescent reality problematic?

 

Are you trying to make the case for the self-fulfilling prophecy? If you believe raisingteens will be easy than it will be easy? If you believe there will br trouble than there will be?

 

Honestly, how many of use heard awful stories about kids and teens, and then wondered how the parents were responsible for such a thing? I know when I used to see younger kids acting out I used to judge the parent. I didn't know about all the labels a kid could have to MAKE them act out that way. I feel badly now. And now I'm the one being judged!!!

 

And I can see how I'm judged all the time for my youngest. I people could only see how our lives are behind closed doors when nobody is here for dd to impress. If others could only see all I've done to try to help her.

 

I've seen really awesome parent's hearts absolutely BREAK because of some really bad things their kids did.

 

Was I ever prepared for what we've had to deal with, in our teens AND in our younger kids? No. Had I been told that I would have to deal with any of the large situations we've had to deal with, I would have said, "No way. I am NOT able to handle that." But somehow you do. I question whether or not God gives us more than we can handle. I question Him about a lot of things. But we have somehow gotten through some very, very difficult things. And we're all ok.

 

It's difficult watching kids make wrong choices. Besides illness (medical or mental) I think that's the hardest. It's SO HARD not to step in and guide down another path, and then harder watching them live out the consequences of their choices. HARD.

 

I was confused about lipstick parties and thought, "Wow, they have parties just for that? Selling lipstick? What's the big deal?" But then googled it. :svengo:

 

We make it through. We age. We grow stronger. We have melt downs. We grow numb. But we DO make it through.

 

And nothing can prepare you for some of these situations. Nothing.

[Nan in Mass]

That has been a factor in our lives. Not suicide, but other major heartbreaking friend problems. One close friend is in the icu right now. At this point, it looks like maybe he will live, but will he still be himself when he wakes up? We are working hard to help our son manage this summer. I can't believe some of the things he's had to deal with, with things all my children have had to deal with with their friends. It shakes their faith in the adult world and the things adults say are right and wrong. It doesn't help them to want to grow up into a responsible adult. It doesn't help them to keep from escaping into things like video games. This is something I didn't see coming and has been very hard to deal with. There isn't much one can do other than sympathize and help them keep busy and make sure they know how to avoid the problem themselves as best they can if it is something avoidable, especially if one has non-talky children. When I look at their faces, I can see how young they are and I just want to gather all of them up and love them and make everything all right for them. It is heartbreaking.

-Nan

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Yeah, we've been through some tough times. Just had to have the discussion with 16yodd about how she's not going to be hanging around with a previous friend. The kid is about to get fired and arrested for shoplifting. It's really going to be tough when it goes down as the parents are very good friends and her younger bro is my ds's best friend.

This is what is at the heart of my question. Do we think we are ready for the tough stuff? For standing our ground and saying "No" and sticking to it no matter what. Even if it means losing a friendship, theirs and ours.

And we went through her boyfriend's Honor Code violation at another academy. Watching our young people have to deal with "no lying, stealing or cheating and no tolerating those who do" is a toughie. This is it again (thanks, Margaret). When our children are involved in situations where honor is at stake will we take a stand or turn our backs? Will we be willing to ruffle feathers, be the voice of reason, go against everyone else? Make that phone call to the principal, the parents, or the police? Can we do that? Are we willingto do that if it comes at great emotional and social cost?

 

But, the biggest of all has been the death of my supposed-to-be-sil. He was killed a year ago, on my dd's birthday, in front of her, with her watching helplessly. It has absolutely shaken us to the core. We miss him every day. Trying to help her pick up the pieces has not been easy.

 

Parenting is not for wimps.

:grouphug: Watching you go through this and seeing how you handle yourself has been...well, there really are no words.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I was confused about lipstick parties and thought, "Wow, they have parties just for that? Selling lipstick? What's the big deal?" But then googled it. :svengo:

 

Hypothetically speaking (and this IS hypothetical)...if you knew your child was attending a party like this would you be the type of parent who waits at home and then talks to them about their choices or would you be the parent who drives over there, goes inside and raises a fuss?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

When I look at their faces, I can see how young they are and I just want to gather all of them up and love them and make everything all right for them. It is heartbreaking.

-Nan

:grouphug:

[Nan in Mass]

Yes, sometimes it does. No sense borrowing trouble, though. Enjoy the good while it is good, or at least appears to be. It will stand you in good stead during the bad times. It is hard to know when to do something and when to wait. In general, we've followed the same policy as my own parents - we try to do something, gently first, then more firmly, then very firmly, but if it doesn't work, we wait it out rather than doing anything really drastic that would damage the illusion of being a happy family and make it so that when things get better again, we can't go back to being that happy family. We try to think before we speak and not say things that will damage the family. A lot of the time, you make your decisions blind and sort of at random and just hope for the best. Lots of times you make the wrong decision. It is difficult. Just try to stay a family as best you can and have good times together to balance the bad ones so everybody wants to keep being a family. Keep loving, no matter what. Try to remember that your beloved child is inside the teenager and keep loving that, at least. Didn't you tell your child that you would love him forever, no matter what? Now is the time to remember that, even if you don't like them very well right now. It is hard. I don't think you can be prepared except to try to have a strong family who has good times together and can talk to each other and one where everyone feels loved and knows that they will keep being loved no matter what.

-Nan

[Nan in Mass]

We've gone to some travel extremes, too, with the younger two, having seen that the oldest's world was very small and that was not a good thing. I just want to tell you that they have helped lots to avoid problems. A new set of problems shows up, and it isn't the safest way to go, but as a strategy, we have found it effective.

-Nan