I need the opinion of my calm, unaffected hive

[johnandtinagilbert]

The following is an email from my MIL. We don't really speak to my husbands family. 2 years ago my children went to their house and my MIL showed them all their presents wrapped in the closet. She always makes a huge deal about Christmas.

 

Christmas came and our van broke down, so we had no way to make the hour plus ride to their house. Out of stubborness and respect for tradition (which always overrules right, best, and easiness), they wouldn't come to our home, although invited every year as its much easier to keep 5 kids at home and have 2 people who can drive, come to our house, then visit their other daughter's house, a few miles away. Also, every Christmas coincidentally coincides with some major medical issue, so we'd go to her house and I would prepare the entire meal in her home. We thought it just made sense to have everyone to our house, where most of the family lives, I can cook in my own kitchen, and is the most spacious of the family.

 

We got our van fixed by New year's Eve and called, but they never responded to phone or email contact.

 

Next June, yes June, comes around and she shows up unannounced with presents, blaming her husband (her pass-time). She and dh argued a bit, I stood by silently. She said, "I can't believe you'd let them know their gifts were there and then not come to our house." That was it for me. I usually leave dh's family to dh, but this time (and dh had no complaints), I told her that if she ever teased my children again with gifts, then did not communicate with us to get them to my children, that she would not see my children again. I told her, "You don't show gifts, then not give them. It's called teasing and I will not allow you to suffer my children in that way. You may give them what you'd like, you may not ever again do what you did this year. It was cruel." Dh also told her gifts are freely given, not only given if we come to her house and that in the future she shouldn't bother buying them gifts b/c we would not be coming to her house again for any holiday. I also told her our purpose has always been to spend time with our family, not gifts (we minimalize Christmas, birthdays, etc.) and she was, nor ever had been obligated to give gifts, but the children would like to spend time with their grandparents -- a far better gift. I told her she was welcome to visit the children in our home, anytime.

 

We continued to invite them to our home, they never came, the children are NOT allowed to go there without us (there have been other issues too like "don't tell Mommy" kinda stuff; thankfully, they always did, although tearfully b/c they didn't want to keep secrets from us), and b/c of our vehicle situation (barely runs locally and we don't trust it for a long trip).

 

This wasn't the first batch of drama, there has always been, so we are removed from the family b/c they won't come here (always some excuse, but never any real reasons), so we don't ask anymore. When we go to their homes, they are out of control, drunk, angry, it's ugly. We stay away.

 

Then I received this email while on vacation:

John & Tina,

 

I feel really bad about this, but I'm asking for my camera back. Unfortunately, mine got broken and I really miss having one. I have the digital, but the 35mm is my favorite.

 

Let me know when would be a good time to come by for it and I'll send Cathy over.

 

Again, I'm sorry to be an "Indian giver" but, I really do miss having my 35mm. Thank you for understanding.

 

Love in Christ,

 

Mom

 

A few years ago, she got a very nice, extremely expensive 35mm/digital camera as a gift. I had a camera and it was broken. She gave me her old 35 mm. I use it sometimes, but the battery and the film is very costly. Honestly, I don't care about the camera, but the email urks me pretty good. Please tell me how to respond b/c the things I'd like to include are:

Love in Christ.....bwwaaaaaaaaaa I'm not sure where Christ gave and took back and coming from her is a joke

If you feel bad, then you wouldn't do it.

You didn't even ask if the camera was in use.

How presumptuous.

You dont' speak to us, but you'll ask for this back?

We dont' want Cathy at our house

Anything else we can get for you that you gave us?

 

As you can see, I'm a bit irritated and dh said, "I don't care what you say. Someone should tell her how wrong she is." He's ready to send her a nasty email.

 

I'm hoping ya'll will tell me to box it up and ship it w/o comment, but I'm also really hoping ya'll will tell me to tell her off. Guide me, oh wise hive, with calm and unaffected advice. :D

 

Thank you for the vent. What would you do?

 

Edited July 20, 2010 by johnandtinagilbert

[Karis]

:grouphug:

 

Well she already KNOWS she's wrong but that not stopping her.

 

Give her the camera.

 

or don't.

 

simply say "Indian giving is wrong, we don't do that. What kind of example are you setting for your grandchildren?"

 

 

 

The petty, vengeful side of me would sabotage it. and when it didn't work say "You never asked if it worked you said you wanted it back."

 

Or I would conveniently NOT be home when someone came by to get it.

 

Or I'd ignore the e-mail and let her wait. Then when she called I'd say her e-mail must have gone to junk mail!!

 

Or better yet

 

"Oh! You were serious?!?!? I deleted it. I thought is was a joke!! I mean WHO does that??!?" ha ha

 

(I'm feeling really naughty this morning)

 

Inlaws ... gotta love 'em

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

[Ellie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Ugh. What a mess.

 

Ok, you could send back the camera, which you admit you don't like to use anyway, with a note saying something like, "Here. No, I don't understand, but I would rather not have to deal with your issues any more than I have to." Just put it in a box and mail it. Don't let this Cathy person come over.

[Guest cyndy40]

I am new here, but you should do exactly as you have said: box up the camera with no comment, no email, and ship it to her. She has to deal with the consequences of her actions not you. You are responsible for your response to this situation and only your response. It is obvious that she wants to fight, argue, and hurt feelings let her heart be the heart that is broken by not going there with her. Although your DH is angry ask him not to respond either and let her wonder why you chose to do as you did. Maybe, just maybe, she'll take another look at the One in whose name she sent that e-mail.

[DawnM]

So sorry. We don't even confront my MIL anymore....it does no good. She can't hear what we are saying anyway. We just smile politely and as long as it is not against our Biblical teachings, we just do whatever, like give the camera back.

 

The comments you have made that you would like to say are the same ones I would like to say, but I just vent them elsewhere and not to MIL. My MIL is bitter and angry and makes everyone around her bitter and angry if she can.....it isn't worth my emotional health to give in to any of it.

 

Dawn

[MerryAtHope]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

 

I would do this or send it back with no note at all.

 

(((Hugs))) to you, I'm sorry.

 

Merry

[lionfamily1999]

I like the box it and send it idea, but I wouldn't include anything resembling a note. Just the camera, carefully packaged (because you're good like that ;) ) and a typed label (or printed from whatever company is doing the shipping).

 

The easiest way to avoid putting your foot in your mouth (or fingernails :lol:) is to keep mum.

 

:grouphug:

 

Of course, if you could compile some newspaper articles about people killing their in-laws because they drove them insane and use that for packaging.......................................................................

[Mom-ninja.]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it".

 

 

:iagree:

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I would return the camera with no note.

 

I hate the term "Indian giver." My Native American Grandpa never asked for a gift back.

[Just Robyn]

I'm hoping ya'll will tell me to box it up and ship it w/o comment

 

Yes, that's exactly what I would do. Actually, I must have started skimming by the time I got to this sentence in your post because originally I didn't see it and still that was what I was going to suggest. Then I noticed you had already suggested it. It's the least confrontational. She gets her camera and you don't have to talk to or see anyone that will ruin your day.

[WTMindy]

Honestly, I think it was rude of you to attack her when she is bringing the presents. Sure, it was a bit of a tease to show the kids and then not bring them, but she did eventually. I'm sure there is SO much more to the story and I'm sorry that you have a difficult relationship. As for the camera thing, it was her camera that she gave to you. I don't think it is that weird for her to ask for it back. If I knew my mom had given us an extra something and then hers broke, I would offer to give it back. Obviously, I don't have all the history on this relationship and it sounds like there are many painful events, but since you asked for calm, unaffected opinions, my gut reaction is that you are overreacting in these situations.

[Gooblink]

Honestly, I think it was rude of you to attack her when she is bringing the presents. Sure, it was a bit of a tease to show the kids and then not bring them, but she did eventually. I'm sure there is SO much more to the story and I'm sorry that you have a difficult relationship. As for the camera thing, it was her camera that she gave to you. I don't think it is that weird for her to ask for it back. If I knew my mom had given us an extra something and then hers broke, I would offer to give it back. Obviously, I don't have all the history on this relationship and it sounds like there are many painful events, but since you asked for calm, unaffected opinions, my gut reaction is that you are overreacting in these situations.

 

:iagree: I have to agree with Mindy, especially when your siggy says "Jesus follower" and your MIL signs "In Christ." WWJD?

[thowell]

:grouphug:

 

Of course, if you could compile some newspaper articles about people killing their in-laws because they drove them insane and use that for packaging.......................................................................

 

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5: That was a good laugh that I needed. I do agree send it back without a word. I have learned that there are people in life that need the drama. This may be what she is seeking to draw you into the drama again. Rise above it! Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that yet again she has bothered you. Good luck....

[southcarolinamom]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

 

Agreeing with this .... if you mail her the camera back, it's one less thing she can dangle over your head in the future.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a time with your MIL! :grouphug:

[hsmom]

I understand where you are coming from. I have a mother like this. I do not think you over reacted in any way. Now I will say that since you did get that off your chest and voiced your opinions to her and she knows where you both stand, I would leave it at that.

 

As for the camera send her an email letting her know it will be shipped to her home and you do not want this Cathy lady to come to your home. Leave it at that. This way she knows it is on its way and you have in no way provoked any other situation. I know it is hard to turn the other cheek, but it has to be done. Now I am not saying you have to have her in your life, because you do not.

 

I know it would feel great to send a nasty email, but you know you shouldn't and would feel bad later. Keep it simple, detached and be done with it.

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

 

 

This is what I would do. No point in you stooping to her level.

[Mandy in TN]

box it up and ship it w/o comment

:iagree:Do this. Don't let her steal your joy.

 

I hate the term "Indian giver."

:iagree:For me that was the offensive part.

 

Mandy

[Robin's Song]

Send it back.

 

Proverbs 25:21-22

If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink: For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee.

 

Plus, she is your husband's mother and you are bound to honor her.

I understand your frustration. An indicator of true character is what we do not when things are easy, but when they are hard.:grouphug:

[Momof1plustwins]

I used to say that one day I was going to write a book entitled, "The Mother in law from Hell" I knew I had plenty of book material. But for some reason, her loose screw miraculously tightened itself back up and she behaves pretty much like a sane person. So for now, the book has been canceled ;).

 

Really, I would just box it up and send it without comment. Be the grownup in the situation. Think of the witness you would be by denying your fleshly desire to "tell her off". I'm sure she's expecting you to react negatively, so I simply wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

[Homeschooling6]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

:iagree: and lots of hugs to you Tina. Pray and pray some more. Don't let your MIL take one more minute of joy from you and your wonderful family. Box it up and send it back with a thank you note (after you prayed;)) Use it as a teaching moment for your children in a positive way. Read the scripture. Let them know how Jesus would handle it etc.... Use the situation to glorify God. Again, a teaching moment for your children

Edited July 20, 2010 by Homeschooling6

[Guest aquiverfull]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

 

Send it back.

 

Proverbs 25:21-22

If thine enemy be hungry' date=' give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink: For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee.

 

Plus, she is your husband's mother and you are bound to honor her.

I understand your frustration. An indicator of true character is what we do not when things are easy, but when they are hard.:grouphug:[/quote']

 

:iagree: and :grouphug: for you for even having to deal with this.

[elegantlion]

Send it back, no note. Make sure you get delivery confirmation, insurance, or maybe certified signature required. :D

[Tiberia]

I'd send her the camera with a note that says, "You gave this to me freely, because I had a need. Now I give it to you freely, because you have a need, not because I believe it is still yours. Enjoy!"

 

Then I would continue to limit contact and conversation with her if she continues to be difficult. But leave the door open in case she wants to change...

[2cents]

Her behavior is designed to provoke a negative response so she can continue to play the victim. Don't give her what she wants. The only way to respond is to be gracious and polite. That will drive her nuts. I'd simply respond that the camera will be available when 'Cathy' comes to pick it up. Nothing else needed. She obviously wants to get a rise out of you so why would you indulge her? Less is more.

[Quiver0f10]

I'd send it back with no note. :grouphug:

[johnandtinagilbert]

Thank you all for pointing me well. I have boxed the camera with no note and will mail it this afternoon. I even included 3 rolls of film I have unopened. I have no need for it now, nor the receipt to return. I LOVED the Dear Abby paper idea ;) I really believe she is just trying get a response so she has something to bemoan to others. I will not participate in her drama. She tries to email us copies of letters to her other children (who all have serious life issues and drama with her) and we return with the same line every single time: Please do not include us in matters that have nothing to do with us or our children. Your issues with your other children are none of our business.

Honestly, I think it was rude of you to attack her when she is bringing the presents. Sure, it was a bit of a tease to show the kids and then not bring them, but she did eventually. I'm sure there is SO much more to the story and I'm sorry that you have a difficult relationship. As for the camera thing, it was her camera that she gave to you. I don't think it is that weird for her to ask for it back. If I knew my mom had given us an extra something and then hers broke, I would offer to give it back. Obviously, I don't have all the history on this relationship and it sounds like there are many painful events, but since you asked for calm, unaffected opinions, my gut reaction is that you are overreacting in these situations.

 

:iagree: I have to agree with Mindy, especially when your siggy says "Jesus follower" and your MIL signs "In Christ." WWJD?

Ladies,

I appreciate your honesty; although the comment about my siggy did hurt a bit. You have no idea the depths of what we've been through over the last 15 years, and for the sake of following my Redeemer, I won't gossip or tell the laundry list of examples that would knock your socks off. I will say this -- you have no idea. My calm defense (it was no attack) of my children on that day was probably overdue and certainly appropriate.

 

I follow Jesus and I don't think he was speaking in, "Well bless their hearts." when in Matt. 12, "While He was still speaking to the crowds, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. 47Someone said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside seeking to speak to You.†48But Jesus answered the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?†49And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! 50“For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.†She signs in Christ, but the fruit of her life would signify otherwise. Examine my fruit...you'll see a lot of messed up me in there, but you'll also see the tenants of my faith and the guidance of Jesus Christ. There is a noticeable difference. You really have no idea.

 

A prophet is not received in his home town and dh's family has proven that to us again and again and again. They mock our family and our faith and send emails full of expectation and presumption...and very little truth.

 

I've said too much. Thanks all for the vent.

[DianeW88]

She's trying to provoke you. Nothing will irritate her more than you simply mailing the camera back to her. She won't be able to do anything after that. You won't have said anything that she can repeat to her friends and relatives and bad mouth you for. I'm not even sure I would include a note. I would pay for delivery confirmation though. That way she can't deny that she received it.

 

Good luck!

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[Hedgehogs4]

give her the camera back and don't say another word. stay away. if she needs to see your children and interact as a grandparent, simply say "you're welcome to come here to visit them," and not a word more.

 

seriously...people like this thrive on drama and attention. don't give it. you'll be the bad guy, but you'll have peace in your own home.

[kwickimom]

Thank you all for pointing me well. I have boxed the camera with no note and will mail it this afternoon. I even included 3 rolls of film I have unopened. I have no need for it now, nor the receipt to return. I LOVED the Dear Abby paper idea ;) I really believe she is just trying get a response so she has something to bemoan to others. I will not participate in her drama. She tries to email us copies of letters to her other children (who all have serious life issues and drama with her) and we return with the same line every single time: Please do not include us in matters that have nothing to do with us or our children. Your issues with your other children are none of our business.

 

 

 

Ladies,

I appreciate your honesty; although the comment about my siggy did hurt a bit. You have no idea the depths of what we've been through over the last 15 years, and for the sake of following my Redeemer, I won't gossip or tell the laundry list of examples that would knock your socks off. I will say this -- you have no idea. My calm defense (it was no attack) of my children on that day was probably overdue and certainly appropriate.

 

I follow Jesus and I don't think he was speaking in, "Well bless their hearts." when in Matt. 12, "While He was still speaking to the crowds, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. 47Someone said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside seeking to speak to You.†48But Jesus answered the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?†49And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! 50“For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.†She signs in Christ, but the fruit of her life would signify otherwise. Examine my fruit...you'll see a lot of messed up me in there, but you'll also see the tenants of my faith and the guidance of Jesus Christ. There is a noticeable difference. You really have no idea.

 

A prophet is not received in his home town and dh's family has proven that to us again and again and again. They mock our family and our faith and send emails full of expectation and presumption...and very little truth.

 

I've said too much. Thanks all for the vent.

 

I agree with you. That siggy thing was not needed. I am a Christian and yet I deal with severe hate for my in-laws. People who are evil and tear us down and tried to get my husband arrested for something he didnt do. Just because I am a Christian does not mean I will always deal with them perfectly or that I wont feel hate. Dealing with these things should be different because I am one, but I am also human and cannot be exactly like Jesus.

 

:grouphug: I understand every bit of where you are at. I understand the need to put them in their place and defend your kids. I understand the anger. No one really knows unless they have dealt with it I guess. I think you did the right thing IMO. I have said more than I needed to to my inlaws, but after I said it I cut them out of my life as much as I can so that I do not kill them :D

[VBoulden]

I haven't read anyone else's comments, but I think you should send the camera back/ set up a time to give the camera back to her (with a smile on your face).

I can't believe anyone would give you a camera then ask for it back??!! But, none the less, I'd give it back with new batteries in the box.

 

It's just a camera and if you try keep it, even if you use it everyday, you will need to explain/ argue/ fight with her to convince her that she's wrong for asking for it back and it's never productive to try and argue with someone like who you have described... even if they are your mother in law and she "should" be like this or that.

 

If you don't get this one "right," it will just be ONE MORE BRICK in the wall between you and the unity you want for your family. And, you are teaching your kids right now. She's teaching them, too, yes, but YOU are the one they are looking to as the standard.

 

I do speak from experience. I have a "Don't tell Mommy" mother :glare: and a "Where's that tiny dollar store doll I gave her five years ago? I didn't see it in her toy box!!!" mother in law. :001_huh:

 

PS- I did just read and really, really like "homeschooling6's" comments. She's got the grace I wish I had. Pray and pray some more and I like the thank you card idea she mentioned. Just pray till you mean what you write on it. Good luck!

Edited July 20, 2010 by VBoulden

[ABQmom]

Thank you all for pointing me well. I have boxed the camera with no note and will mail it this afternoon. I even included 3 rolls of film I have unopened. I have no need for it now, nor the receipt to return. I LOVED the Dear Abby paper idea ;) I really believe she is just trying get a response so she has something to bemoan to others. I will not participate in her drama. She tries to email us copies of letters to her other children (who all have serious life issues and drama with her) and we return with the same line every single time: Please do not include us in matters that have nothing to do with us or our children. Your issues with your other children are none of our business.

 

 

 

Ladies,

I appreciate your honesty; although the comment about my siggy did hurt a bit. You have no idea the depths of what we've been through over the last 15 years, and for the sake of following my Redeemer, I won't gossip or tell the laundry list of examples that would knock your socks off. I will say this -- you have no idea. My calm defense (it was no attack) of my children on that day was probably overdue and certainly appropriate.

 

I follow Jesus and I don't think he was speaking in, "Well bless their hearts." when in Matt. 12, "While He was still speaking to the crowds, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. 47Someone said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside seeking to speak to You.†48But Jesus answered the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?†49And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold My mother and My brothers! 50“For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.†She signs in Christ, but the fruit of her life would signify otherwise. Examine my fruit...you'll see a lot of messed up me in there, but you'll also see the tenants of my faith and the guidance of Jesus Christ. There is a noticeable difference. You really have no idea.

 

A prophet is not received in his home town and dh's family has proven that to us again and again and again. They mock our family and our faith and send emails full of expectation and presumption...and very little truth.

 

I've said too much. Thanks all for the vent.

 

Tina,

 

:grouphug: I agree that the above were hurtful comments. Sounds like you are choosing the right thing to do. It isn't your MIL's reactions that you have to worry about. You have to worry about your own reactions. Are they Christ-like? We are commanded to love our enemies, and who knows? Maybe one day your MIL will seek your forgiveness. And remember, your children are learning from you and how you are dealing with the situation. I hope the rest of your day goes well! Hang in there.

[Hedgehogs4]

Honestly, I think it was rude of you to attack her when she is bringing the presents. Sure, it was a bit of a tease to show the kids and then not bring them, but she did eventually. I'm sure there is SO much more to the story and I'm sorry that you have a difficult relationship. As for the camera thing, it was her camera that she gave to you. I don't think it is that weird for her to ask for it back. If I knew my mom had given us an extra something and then hers broke, I would offer to give it back. Obviously, I don't have all the history on this relationship and it sounds like there are many painful events, but since you asked for calm, unaffected opinions, my gut reaction is that you are overreacting in these situations.

 

i think it's rude of you to criticize tina when she's clearly got a situation that she's been dealing with for years. so she's human...even if her response wasn't perfect, she didn't ask, "what did i do wrong here?" she's asking what we would do. there are so many emotions caught up in this situation...if i read this response to a plea for help with a tough situation, i'd be really hurt on top of everything else. give her a break.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Tina,

 

:grouphug: I agree that the above were hurtful comments. Sounds like you are choosing the right thing to do. It isn't your MIL's reactions that you have to worry about. You have to worry about your own reactions. Are they Christ-like? We are commanded to love our enemies, and who knows? Maybe one day your MIL will seek your forgiveness. And remember, your children are learning from you and how you are dealing with the situation. I hope the rest of your day goes well! Hang in there.

Thank you. I am Very cautious with my tongue and his family. I respond directly and politely when necessary. We don't miss birthdays, holidays, etc and I have the children write letters and send cards, not b/c we care a bit about those things, but b/c I know they matter to my FIL and MIL. I honor them in speech by explaining to our children why we disagree on things and bring them to the Word of God on every matter. You don't have to give in or be abused in order to honor someone and I am careful. I came here today b/c I Knew I didn't need to respond to that email without some encouragement and my telephone/accountability person was not available. I knew what I needed to do and I did the right thing. My heart will follow, as soon as my annoyance steadies...which it already is. I'm no Saint, but my life is evidence of my faith and for the most part, I think that is seen in my posts here. I thank you for your encouragement and assure anyone who might be wondering...I'm okay, not mad, and moving along. I do wish things were different, I tried long and hard to make them different, but now, I've accepted how things are and will act accordingly...I guess I continue to sit in disbelief that people are really this way...although there is nothing new under the sun, I still feel stupified sometimes.

[KJsMom]

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

:grouphug:

[iammommy]

:grouphug:

 

Of course, if you could compile some newspaper articles about people killing their in-laws because they drove them insane and use that for packaging.......................................................................

 

 

:lol: Nan

[iammommy]

Send it back, without any note. PLEASE have her sign for it, so you know it's gotten there and there can be no question that she has received it. If you decide to have her daughter pick it up, get a written receipt from her just to protect yourself.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Nan

[Aludlam]

Send it back, without any note. PLEASE have her sign for it, so you know it's gotten there and there can be no question that she has received it. If you decide to have her daughter pick it up, get a written receipt from her just to protect yourself.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Nan

 

 

I agree. Every time you look at the thing, you'll just get angry all over again. And absolutely NO note. Don't give her the satisfaction, as my mama use to say. Having her sign for it is brilliant! Get rid of it, you'll never regret it.

 

:grouphug:

[Irishmommy]

Yeah, I would send it back with no note. I might even include other things that she had "given" me that she might ask for back. You'll save postage that way. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. My mother is very similar. We have now had to cut contact with her because of her erratic, irrational behavior. While I am very sad about this, I must protect my family from her crazy. My mom would do all the kinds of things you listed. She would have NO problems asking for gifts back. I hope this is the last negative contact that you have with her.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[angela&4boys]

Agreeing with Sue G in PA as well.

 

Tina, you're doing the right thing by taking the higher road, and you're modeling the right response for your dc.

 

:grouphug:

[Aludlam]

Just to lighten things up --- this really makes me miss my own mama. She's been gone for almost 2 years now. She was the exact opposite of your mil. She had "don't tell mommy" moments, but they always involved chocolate (usually right before dinner -- or breakfast lol). She and the kids were always getting into some sort of trouble. I thank God for those memories. You just keep going being the kind of mama that you are, with brilliant plans for the kind of "mammaw" (we're in the south) you want to become.

 

:grouphug:, again

[In2why]

You already know what to do and it was exactly what I was thinking as I read your post......Put the camera in the mail, have them sign for delivery and that's it. No note, no drama. I can guarantee they get off on the drama and no matter what you say it will feed this more than help you feel better.

[simka2]

You just described my MIL!!!! :) You are much nicer than me...I probly would have sent it COD ;)

[In2why]

Honestly, I think it was rude of you to attack her when she is bringing the presents. Sure, it was a bit of a tease to show the kids and then not bring them, but she did eventually. I'm sure there is SO much more to the story and I'm sorry that you have a difficult relationship. As for the camera thing, it was her camera that she gave to you. I don't think it is that weird for her to ask for it back. If I knew my mom had given us an extra something and then hers broke, I would offer to give it back. Obviously, I don't have all the history on this relationship and it sounds like there are many painful events, but since you asked for calm, unaffected opinions, my gut reaction is that you are overreacting in these situations.

 

 

I don't agree with this at all simply because when the MIL cut off contact, she also hurt the kids. I guess it is also because I had the same type of MIL (now Ex) that I can relate. I can bite my tongue until it bleeds when it comes to me, but not my kids.

A gift is a gift whether it was used or not....the MIL gifted them with a camera and after all this wants it back? It isn't about the camera it is a power struggle and issues for attention. Send the camera back, but only because you don't want to deal with them thinking you owe them anything, not because you are obligated. Also I am a Christian, but not religious, and I still understand that being Christian does not mean that you let people walk all over you or treat you badly. It aggravates me when people use someone's faith to beat them with it when they behave human. (but at the same time I hate when someone uses religion to beat on me so go figure)

[LisaKinVA]

You've gotten great advice -- box up the camera and send it. No note, no reply, just be done. If any other comments about the situation come up via e-mail...ignore them.

 

My MIL does stuff like this all the time. When they decided to move from their current home, they told dh and I we could have their baby grand piano (neither of them plays, while all of our children do, and they practice on a keyboard). That was 5 years ago. A year ago, they decide they can't give it to us, they need the money and must sell it. A month ago, my MIL decides she is going to keep it. She has already given up so much, she just can't bear to get rid of the piano too.

 

SHE DOESN'T PLAY PIANO!

 

Whatever. Nothing you say is ever going to change her. For the record, my MIL conveniently forgets the things she says and does too.

[Shelly in the Country]

I agree with Sue G in PA. I hope your family gets some peace soon. I hate drama, too.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Just to lighten things up --- this really makes me miss my own mama. She's been gone for almost 2 years now. She was the exact opposite of your mil. She had "don't tell mommy" moments, but they always involved chocolate (usually right before dinner -- or breakfast lol). She and the kids were always getting into some sort of trouble. I thank God for those memories. You just keep going being the kind of mama that you are, with brilliant plans for the kind of "mammaw" (we're in the south) you want to become.

 

:grouphug:, again

It made me miss my Aunt Maria. She was murdered last year and she was the most amazing example of loving the family I'd ever known. I miss her. I hope to be that momma, too. Loving, inviting, and pray my children will love the idea of me spending time with their families, always knowing how much I love them.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[kym]

I am new here, but you should do exactly as you have said: box up the camera with no comment, no email, and ship it to her. She has to deal with the consequences of her actions not you. You are responsible for your response to this situation and only your response. It is obvious that she wants to fight, argue, and hurt feelings let her heart be the heart that is broken by not going there with her. Although your DH is angry ask him not to respond either and let her wonder why you chose to do as you did. Maybe, just maybe, she'll take another look at the One in whose name she sent that e-mail.

 

 

:iagree:

[Entropymama]

:grouphug: Tina. MIL situations are the worst, sometimes, aren't they? I wish I could tell you it's okay to tell her off. :D But, I can't. Ship it back to her with a nice note of thanks, telling her you appreciate her letting you "borrow it". You know the scripture saying that by being nice to your enemies you heap hot coals on their head? You are also perfectly w/in your rights to now put up some boundaries. It's obvious that this woman causes you stress. So, let your husband handle his mother from now on. That's what I have had to do.

 

:iagree: It's hard and it sucks and you'd rather practice some choice words but in the end how do you want your kids to see you? Besides, you being nice really will get to her.