I gasped at my dd's annual pediatric visit just hours ago...

[lionfamily1999]

Yes, but he can also walk away and simply send money. As I said before (twice?), girls bear most of the burden when a child is conceived - they grow it, they birth it, they nurture and care for it. If they are not ready or willing to do that, they better be taking steps to ensure it doesn't happen - whether that means taking the pill or making sure their partner always wears a condom.

And my point was, should the bc fail they have another option, while the men don't. I make that point very clear with my sons, first because we're pro-life (not trying to argue, just stating the facts) and that means they had better make sure their sweet hearts are on the same page BEFORE it becomes an issue, and second they're at her mercy from that point on. Ds and I have both discussed "dating" and I've told him not to even try it until he can afford to care for a family.

[Mejane]

And my point was, should the bc fail they have another option, while the men don't. I make that point very clear with my sons, first because we're pro-life (not trying to argue, just stating the facts) and that means they had better make sure their sweet hearts are on the same page BEFORE it becomes an issue, and second they're at her mercy from that point on. Ds and I have both discussed "dating" and I've told him not to even try it until he can afford to care for a family.

 

Yes, I've had the same conversation with my son. Whether we're pro-life or pro-choice is irrelevant because we will not be the ones making the decision; he's simply along for the ride. Conversely, conversations with my daughter reiterate that she is the one in control, and she can ensure that she doesn't end up with an unplanned pregnancy by always using bc. (I know it happens sometimes nonetheless, but all we can do is all we can do, kwim?)

[kalanamak]

In due time. Would you teach Gov't before learning American History? Would you drive before learning to walk?

 

 

 

But they might know there is a state you live in, and a mayor. They might have ridden in a car, and (!) seen people driving.

[kalanamak]

And, how does not knowing cause them to be promiscuous? So, who should be the one deciding when to tell a child X details about s*x? I say it should be the parents.

 

There was a PK in my junior high who did not know how you become preggers. She was, at 14. I had her in class and asked her, as she bulged, if she was. She giggled. The school nurse talked to her. Her parents were in denial. She got huge, and giggled a lot. Then she left school and no one ever saw her again. Dad was still the preacher at a church near the army base, but she was gone. My other teacher's husband was a policeman in that small burg, but even they didn't know what happened (I got to know this couple because when there was a family blowup, the policeman would sometimes drop a teen off at my house, as we were close to school and the child could walk to school in the morning and go home after dad, etc was sober.)

 

I'm thinking knowing how it happens might have helped her think twice about some casanova in fatigues sweet talking her. Or worse....a relative. Very sad story.

[lionfamily1999]

Yes, I've had the same conversation with my son. Whether we're pro-life or pro-choice is irrelevant because we will not be the ones making the decision; he's simply along for the ride. Conversely, conversations with my daughter reiterate that she is the one in control, and she can ensure that she doesn't end up with an unplanned pregnancy by always using bc. (I know it happens sometimes nonetheless, but all we can do is all we can do, kwim?)

It's ironic, but I worry more about the boys than I do dd. I guess because I know that if it happens with her (not sure if I should say to or with, but you get the picture) she will be the one in control.

[Laura Corin]

It would never occur to me to point out a pregnant stranger to start a conversation about where babies come from.

 

I would have (and did) take the opportunity presented by seeing a pregnant stranger to introduce the topic to Hobbes.

 

Laura

[Laura Corin]

My kids have also known from an early age because of the birth of siblings but they all *forgot*!

 

That way they still have some memory of it and don't have to be shocked at a later stage.

 

Laura

[IsabelC]

.

Edited June 11, 2010 by Hotdrink
Belatedly decided to stick with my resolution to focus on threads directly relating to my home education queries ;)

[TxMama]

Why should I repeat AGAIN...this has ALREADY.BEEN.EXPLAINED!!

 

I am so sorry if you felt I attacked you! I was truly just trying to understand how a child could get to 11 without knowing anything about this topic.

 

In my family, the first question my kids (ages 4-5) ask when seeing a pregnant woman is some variation of "How does the baby get out?" :001_huh: In my family for a child to get to 11 without having ANY knowledge I would have to ignore a million innocent questions for at least 6 years.

 

I think maybe we are talking about 2 different things though.

 

I can assure you that my oldest kids at 11 certainly did not know all the nitty gritty details of s*x. However they did know what our family definition of s*x was so they could honestly answer the question "Are you s*xually active?". Our family definition is such that it is vague enough for a younger child that does not need to know the nitty gritty details but with enough generalizations that it covers every particular circumstance that an older child might encounter or hear about. Oiy! Do they hear about it!

 

Almost totally unrelated. My oldest DD recently had her first appt with a new family practice since she is now 19. The question on the form was not "Are you dating?" or " Are you s*xually active?" it was "What do you use for birth control?"

 

She answered N/A.

 

She told me she spent the majority of the visit trying to explain that she really has chosen abstinence! In defense to her new MD she did include a lovely note with her "welcome to the practice" letter thanking her for a delightful conversation.

[theresatwist]

:iagree: It's NOT their job to decide at what age a child can "handle" sensitive information; it *IS* their job to treat the child AFTER talking with the parent and agreeing on a course of action.

 

What hasn't been mentioned here thus far is puberty. Many girls bodies are slowly starting to change at 10 or 11. That fact is mentioned all the time on this forum and doctors are of course very aware of this fact.

 

While I understand wanting to be the first to talk to my child about "sensitive information," I think the fact is that kids bodies start changing while mentally they are often still very innocent and its difficult to reconcile those two realities.

[jillian]

What hasn't been mentioned here thus far is puberty. Many girls bodies are slowly starting to change at 10 or 11. That fact is mentioned all the time on this forum and doctors are of course very aware of this fact.

 

While I understand wanting to be the first to talk to my child about "sensitive information," I think the fact is that kids bodies start changing while mentally they are often still very innocent and its difficult to reconcile those two realities.

 

my niece has breasts at 8, yes 8 years old. I started at 10 with my period and had breasts by 11 (like full blown Bs)

[Terabith]

Precocious puberty here. I was a C cup in kindergarten and got my first period the month I turned eight, in second grade.

[KidsHappen]

I was asked these questions by my doctor when I was 13 which was, um let's just say, a very long time ago.

 

I can also tell you from personal experience, you DO NOT want to know the things a good doctor will ask should the answer to the first question be yes. There are some things that really shouldn't be shared with your mother. :001_huh:

 

My family doctor's nurse did not ask these questions of my middle two girls ever unless they were there for a specifically female problem but did ask them of both my 5th and 6th grader for their school physicals.

 

I'll admit I was nervous about it. They did ask the girls if they wanted me to leave the room and both of them became alarmed. Even though we talk about sex frequently and they ask me a wide variety of questions, they didn't understand some of questions the nurse asked. I had to translate for her and them. Finally, we don't vaccinate, the nurse knows that but is required to give the spiel on it. I have one child that has some OCD and anxiety issues and the questions alone set off panic. You should have seen the nurse back peddling and trying to smooth that one over. I actually felt bad for her.

 

Luckily, I have a good dr. that I trust and he knows us well so I don't have to be quite so concerned with some of my unorthodoxed parenting practices. ;)

[sheryl]

I hear what you are saying, but.....

 

Assuming we're about the same age as I've been married only a little longer, but have a younger child :D, I can tell you growing up in the 60's I was never asked if I had s*x.

 

If my dd was dating now (without approval), I'd want to know....however, we are not even teaching her dating is acceptable in her age range...it's not even crossing her mind!

 

Truly the wide array of responses on this thread shows that each family represented here has varying opinions on this matter..including me. ;)

 

 

 

 

 

I was asked these questions by my doctor when I was 13 which was, um let's just say, a very long time ago.

 

I can also tell you from personal experience, you DO NOT want to know the things a good doctor will ask should the answer to the first question be yes. There are some things that really shouldn't be shared with your mother. :001_huh:

 

My family doctor's nurse did not ask these questions of my middle two girls ever unless they were there for a specifically female problem but did ask them of both my 5th and 6th grader for their school physicals.

 

I'll admit I was nervous about it. They did ask the girls if they wanted me to leave the room and both of them became alarmed. Even though we talk about sex frequently and they ask me a wide variety of questions, they didn't understand some of questions the nurse asked. I had to translate for her and them. Finally, we don't vaccinate, the nurse knows that but is required to give the spiel on it. I have one child that has some OCD and anxiety issues and the questions alone set off panic. You should have seen the nurse back peddling and trying to smooth that one over. I actually felt bad for her.

 

Luckily, I have a good dr. that I trust and he knows us well so I don't have to be quite so concerned with some of my unorthodoxed parenting practices. ;)

[hornblower]

If my dd was dating now (without approval), I'd want to know....however, we are not even teaching her dating is acceptable in her age range...it's not even crossing her mind!

 

 

I understand your logic that IF a child is dating then they need to know about sex.

 

But it doesn't follow that because a child is NOT dating then they therefore do not need to know about sex.

[Michelle in MO]

I haven't read all the other posts.

 

Honestly---find a different pediatrician, one who shares your values. It is up to you to teach your children about sex, not the doctor.

[sheryl]

I understand your logic that IF a child is dating then they need to know about sex.

 

But it doesn't follow that because a child is NOT dating then they therefore do not need to know about sex.

 

I understand what you're saying and actually I would tend to agree with this statement in a general sense. My dd will not be "dating" for awhile...she will be taught about sex before she "dates". However, her being taught is not indicative that I would "expect" that she have sex, but for the educational purposes of teaching her "creation". Likewise the former statement.....imo a child does not learn about sex if they are dating for concern there may be pre-marital sex, but again, for the educational aspect.

 

 

 

I haven't read all the other posts.

 

Honestly---find a different pediatrician, one who shares your values. It is up to you to teach your children about sex, not the doctor.

 

Thank you and I agree....

[Mejane]

It is up to you to teach your children about sex, not the doctor.

 

Unfortunately, many parents don't teach their kids. They find out through experience, and in some cases it's then too late to teach them to be smart or safe. Doctors see pregnant teens all the time, and their efforts are in trying to prevent this. What villians.

Edited June 13, 2010 by Mejane

[Haiku]

Doctors see pregnant teens all the time, and their efforts are in trying to prevent this. What villians.

 

No doubt.

 

I still don't get the idea that doctors are trying to usurp parental roles or turn our kids into hotblooded nymphos by mentioning sex. Doctors are trying to provide medical care. Some kids, at age 11, need sexual health care. If yours doesn't, good for you. To get all humpty about it and take it as a slam against you and yours is rather, imo, silly.

 

Tara

[Michelle in MO]

Unfortunately, many parents don't teach their kids. They find out through experience, and in some cases it's then too late to teach them to be smart or safe. Doctors see pregnant teens all the time, and their efforts are in trying to prevent this. What villians.

True, but I would imagine in the case of the OP, she is well aware of her duties to teach her children about sex. What other parents do or don't do is their business and responsibility (or lack thereof). Most homeschooling parents whom I have personally met take their parenting responsibilities very seriously, including those touching this subject.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Actually, this is common and it is a physician's place to know if his young patients are sexually active.

 

My dh has delivered a baby for a girl who was 12. She was 11 when she became pregnant....

 

How a child is doing in school is an indicator of depression. This is a health care issue.

 

How a child's family life is can lead to responses which uncover abuse. A doctor is a mandatory reporter.

 

These questions are sadly appropriate. I truly understand how you feel, as I have a 13 year old daughter.

 

Sorry, I disagree. Standardized forms are common practice but that doesn't make them appropriate. It is NOT the place of someone who I allow and trust to take care of our families physical health to ask my daughter if she prefers girls to boys or anything of a sexual nature. And yes, this question is on the form she wanted to give my daughter.

 

Our Dr. has been our family practitioner for 15 years. She sees us regularly and knows us well. She knows our children are neither abused nor depressed.

Her standardized form has questions that we, her parents, do not find appropriate for our child and we will not allow them.

[Lizzie in Ma]

"Is this a "standard" policy now? Should it be? OR, should it be based on verbal dialog with parent/s and/or visual observation of child? My dd JUST turned 11 and does NOT know what s** is, we haven't studied biology yet in science. Even so............"

 

I think this is coming from AMA or American Pediatrics Assoc. I too share the outrage as a Christian, Homeschool family with "traditional, biblical" values regarding sex, purity, and marriage. I think they're obnoxious questions for an 11 yr old.

 

Is the AMA pushing a "liberal" agenda? Or responding to a reality that sex among minors is increasingly common? Chicken/egg thing.

 

It's common bureaucrat policy..."we have to ask everyone, blah blah."

 

You were well within your rights to decline to answer. But I think your DR. was just "doing his job," for the sake of the potential abuse victims that are out there. Once I got a question when I brought in my 2 yr old for checkup, "do you have guns in the house?" I also declined to answer...she didn't ask whether we had a swimming pool (pool accidents kill more kids than gun accidents). But public policy agendas are creeping into healthcare all the time in US. Expect more of this in the future.

 

I had forgotten about the time our Dr. asked the question about guns. We declined to answer as well.

[KidsHappen]

I hear what you are saying, but.....

 

Assuming we're about the same age as I've been married only a little longer, but have a younger child :D, I can tell you growing up in the 60's I was never asked if I had s*x.

 

If my dd was dating now (without approval), I'd want to know....however, we are not even teaching her dating is acceptable in her age range...it's not even crossing her mind!

 

Truly the wide array of responses on this thread shows that each family represented here has varying opinions on this matter..including me. ;)

 

This is my second marriage and I was married 10 years the first time hence the that fact that the first two are a bit older. I had lots of female issues but my middle two didn't have any problems at all. I got the feeling it was just standard procedure for children going to school regardless of family history. ALso based on my experience with both friends growing up and children now, parents who think that they know everything, almost certainly do not. I had a very good relationship with my dds. They could also tell me anything and I would answer their questions honestly and without judgement, but I found that they were less likely to share until they were married or at least adults themselves. IMHO, It is just the nature of the parent/dd realtionship that a dd is not going to share with her parents that which the parents have within their power to stop no matter what the parent things otherwise. Of course, I have also seen some situations in which the children themselves were seriously decieved and not to their benefit if you ask me.

Edited June 14, 2010 by KidsHappen

[astrid]

True, but I would imagine in the case of the OP, she is well aware of her duties to teach her children about sex. What other parents do or don't do is their business and responsibility (or lack thereof). Most homeschooling parents whom I have personally met take their parenting responsibilities very seriously, including those touching this subject.

 

That may be, but who is the pediatrician to ASSUME that? What kind of a double standard, not to mention LIABILITY, would s/he have if he guessed, based on the appearance of a family, who needed what kind of medical care? I certainly wouldn't want my pediatrician making decisions about our medical care on a hunch, or by looking at the car I drove into the parking lot, our clothes, or what little he knows about our choices regarding education and religion.

 

astrid

[Mejane]

That may be, but who is the pediatrician to ASSUME that? What kind of a double standard, not to mention LIABILITY, would s/he have if he guessed, based on the appearance of a family, who needed what kind of medical care? I certainly wouldn't want my pediatrician making decisions about our medical care on a hunch, or by looking at the car I drove into the parking lot, our clothes, or what little he knows about our choices regarding education and religion.

 

astrid

 

Yes. Abuse and neglect happen in "the best of families."

[Peela]

Just because some kids have s*x at 11 does not make these questions age appropriate.

 

I know many children who were introduced to the idea of s*x, drugs, alcohol abuse, etc by the doctor. It would not have occurred to them for years.

 

Bringing this up earlier and earlier leads the kids to believe that it is normal and OK at this age, just as earlier and earlier s*x ed has led kids to believe it is normal and OK. They start to think that "everyone" else must be doing it and they are behind the curve.

 

My mother took me to a doctor at age 15 because I was suffering depression from my parent's breakup. This doctor was a country doctor and well known to be rather "alternative" and upbeat and she felt maybe I could be helped by talking to him.

His answer was to put me on the pill and encourage me to be sexually active, and he absolutely apologised to me that he couldnt himself help me in that way because he was recently married!

I didnt tell my mum much about the conversation, only the pill prescription. I felt ...priveleged? to have been communicated with as a young woman rather than a child and I didnt want to spoil it by talking to my mother. In retrospect...whoah, that was so bad. He was so out of line it wasn't funny at all.

It happens.

[Peela]

I am not quite unerstanding why it would be a doctor's job to ascertain these kinds of things in the first place.

I can understand a doctor, with discretion, asking a parent if they could give their child a form to fill in, and show the parent the form first.

I can understnad a doctor giving that same form to an unaccompanied minor who appears to be at possible risk.

I cannot for the life of me understand giving a form like that to a child.

I do not see my doctor as having that sort of obligation to my children. Her obligation is to check that they are healthy and devleoping normally. Her job is to SERVE me and my child, not to take control and act with authority, unless it very clearly falls within the guidelines of her duty. And if it does..well, it shouldnt! This is one of the areas I feel people give doctors way too much status, authority and power, and it is not warranted.

To me, it is welfare offocials who should be checking on whether a child is being abused- and a doctor might tip them off if they are suspicious due to bruising or things a child or parent says.

But I in no way would want my doctor to think it is her responsibility to make sure my child is not in danger of STDs at age 11 or 13, when she is accompanied by me. Asking briefly if she is sexually active might perhaps be appropriate but that would as far as I could ever expect a doctor to go for a child that young- in a normal circumstance.

I fail to see why the vast majority are constantly being told to fall in line to testing and various things that are appropriate only to the minority. If in certain districts, certain inner city areas, certain zones where teen pregnancies are high- well, ok, I can understand. But not across the board.

Just because teen pregnancies do happen and in 11yos, doesnt mean I want my particular 11yo questioned, tested, or asked to fill out questionnaires! Any doctor can have that much discretion and if they dont, I am sorry, they are just a robot working for the system, and I dont want to use them anyway .

If my doctor gave my child a form like that I woudl not return and I would be livid.

[asta]

Well, this has everything and nothing to do with this thread.

 

I knew of a very religious family (insert extremely pro-life stance here). Lots of kids, still building their family. Nicest kids you could ever meet. Mom is fab.

 

At the annual "field day", one daughter shows up, then says "oh, I'm not participating". I didn't think anything about it.

 

So... I see family at some point and overhear that family is leaving the community (rather suddenly - within days). This strikes me as odd. Especially where we live. So, being the weirdo I am, I take a gander at the kids. They all look pretty much the same, if glum about leaving. Except girl from field day. She is wearing something she never wears. And I realize, girl looks pregnant. Not *very* pregnant, but oh, about 4 months. [and yes, I know pregnant, dad was an OB/GYN] We all have kids, we know pregnant looks different than pudge, especially in a young, petite girl.

 

This girl knew where babies came from. She is #1 taker carer of mom's baby when mom has to tend to another little (we all know how it is in big families). It happens. And I know, because we live in a small town, that our clinic doesn't ask those questions of our teens. Perhaps they should.

 

I could be completely, utterly wrong. But mom's tears, combined with different kid suddenly being in charge of baby, combined with appearance? Eh. Hard thing for a family to go through.

 

 

asta

Edited June 14, 2010 by asta

[Harriet Vane]

I am not quite unerstanding why it would be a doctor's job to ascertain these kinds of things in the first place.

I can understand a doctor, with discretion, asking a parent if they could give their child a form to fill in, and show the parent the form first.

I can understnad a doctor giving that same form to an unaccompanied minor who appears to be at possible risk.

I cannot for the life of me understand giving a form like that to a child.

I do not see my doctor as having that sort of obligation to my children. Her obligation is to check that they are healthy and devleoping normally. Her job is to SERVE me and my child, not to take control and act with authority, unless it very clearly falls within the guidelines of her duty. And if it does..well, it shouldnt! This is one of the areas I feel people give doctors way too much status, authority and power, and it is not warranted.

To me, it is welfare offocials who should be checking on whether a child is being abused- and a doctor might tip them off if they are suspicious due to bruising or things a child or parent says.

But I in no way would want my doctor to think it is her responsibility to make sure my child is not in danger of STDs at age 11 or 13, when she is accompanied by me. Asking briefly if she is sexually active might perhaps be appropriate but that would as far as I could ever expect a doctor to go for a child that young- in a normal circumstance.

I fail to see why the vast majority are constantly being told to fall in line to testing and various things that are appropriate only to the minority. If in certain districts, certain inner city areas, certain zones where teen pregnancies are high- well, ok, I can understand. But not across the board.

Just because teen pregnancies do happen and in 11yos, doesnt mean I want my particular 11yo questioned, tested, or asked to fill out questionnaires! Any doctor can have that much discretion and if they dont, I am sorry, they are just a robot working for the system, and I dont want to use them anyway .

If my doctor gave my child a form like that I woudl not return and I would be livid.

 

:iagree: Well said.

[lionfamily1999]

Unfortunately, many parents don't teach their kids. They find out through experience, and in some cases it's then too late to teach them to be smart or safe. Doctors see pregnant teens all the time, and their efforts are in trying to prevent this. What villians.

Mejane, how much should good people be "punished" for bad people? This is sort of O/T, but (imo) it lines up with this kind of thinking. People are shaken down at airports, for security reasons; we have to give our personal information to shop at Radio Shack, for security reasons; we have to submit to background checks, for security reasons. Now what? We have to let another adult usurp our authority and ask questions of our children that we may not want them asked, for security reasons.

 

I do understand trying to make sure that bad parents are caught before they cause more harm, but how much do good parents have to put up with for that?

 

I don't know, it seems really shmucky to me that a doctor would hand something to my child, without my permission, or put themself in a situation where they can say, 'you need to leave the room' and I'm supposed to be alright with it, because that sort of stuff could save someone from abuse. My kids aren't abused, but I get treated like a suspect, like an abuser, just in case? Does that make any sense?

That may be, but who is the pediatrician to ASSUME that? What kind of a double standard, not to mention LIABILITY, would s/he have if he guessed, based on the appearance of a family, who needed what kind of medical care? I certainly wouldn't want my pediatrician making decisions about our medical care on a hunch, or by looking at the car I drove into the parking lot, our clothes, or what little he knows about our choices regarding education and religion.

 

astrid

Who the h-e-doublehockeysticks are they to assume I (or any parent) is an abuser?

I am not quite unerstanding why it would be a doctor's job to ascertain these kinds of things in the first place.

I can understand a doctor, with discretion, asking a parent if they could give their child a form to fill in, and show the parent the form first.

I can understnad a doctor giving that same form to an unaccompanied minor who appears to be at possible risk.

I cannot for the life of me understand giving a form like that to a child.

I do not see my doctor as having that sort of obligation to my children. Her obligation is to check that they are healthy and devleoping normally. Her job is to SERVE me and my child, not to take control and act with authority, unless it very clearly falls within the guidelines of her duty. And if it does..well, it shouldnt! This is one of the areas I feel people give doctors way too much status, authority and power, and it is not warranted.

To me, it is welfare offocials who should be checking on whether a child is being abused- and a doctor might tip them off if they are suspicious due to bruising or things a child or parent says.

But I in no way would want my doctor to think it is her responsibility to make sure my child is not in danger of STDs at age 11 or 13, when she is accompanied by me. Asking briefly if she is sexually active might perhaps be appropriate but that would as far as I could ever expect a doctor to go for a child that young- in a normal circumstance.

I fail to see why the vast majority are constantly being told to fall in line to testing and various things that are appropriate only to the minority. If in certain districts, certain inner city areas, certain zones where teen pregnancies are high- well, ok, I can understand. But not across the board.

Just because teen pregnancies do happen and in 11yos, doesnt mean I want my particular 11yo questioned, tested, or asked to fill out questionnaires! Any doctor can have that much discretion and if they dont, I am sorry, they are just a robot working for the system, and I dont want to use them anyway .

If my doctor gave my child a form like that I woudl not return and I would be livid.

Well said.:iagree:

[sheryl]

The more recent threads are ones that I'm in agreement with more. I'm late for some places I need to get to, but I do want to reply later. :tongue_smilie:

[Mejane]

Mejane, how much should good people be "punished" for bad people? This is sort of O/T, but (imo) it lines up with this kind of thinking. People are shaken down at airports, for security reasons; we have to give our personal information to shop at Radio Shack, for security reasons; we have to submit to background checks, for security reasons. Now what? We have to let another adult usurp our authority and ask questions of our children that we may not want them asked, for security reasons.

 

 

 

Believe me, I understand what you're saying. It's the old story of a few bad apples spoiling the whole bunch. I also understand how parents might feel usurped by the form going to the child. The outrage, though, I don't get. The reasons for it are valid, and if it really bothers someone, they can simply tell the staff "you are not to give anything to my child without my reading it first."

[lionfamily1999]

Believe me, I understand what you're saying. It's the old story of a few bad apples spoiling the whole bunch. I also understand how parents might feel usurped by the form going to the child. The outrage, though, I don't get. The reasons for it are valid, and if it really bothers someone, they can simply tell the staff "you are not to give anything to my child without my reading it first."

I have to say, I understand the outrage. Indignation comes on and, ime, it's pretty hard to deny.

 

I had a police officer question whether or not I was dd's mother once. I was young, I can understand it, but it didn't keep me from getting pretty darn angry watching him finger print my two-year-old to prove she wasn't a kidnapping victim. Yes, there was quite a bit of righteous anger there.

[bookfiend]

I'm grateful to this thread because now I know to request the list of questions before they are asked. At my 10 year olds last physical, he was verbally asked a series of developmental and lifestyle questions (how much TV do you watch/day, how many friends do you have, do you know what to do if there is a fire in your house, is there a gun in your house?) However, nothing concerning sexuality or drug use. I was surprised by the questions, my son was mortified to be asked if he wet the bed at night - and thought that was highly personal!:lol:

[MyFourSons]

Actually, this is common and it is a physician's place to know if his young patients are sexually active.

 

My dh has delivered a baby for a girl who was 12. She was 11 when she became pregnant....

 

How a child is doing in school is an indicator of depression. This is a health care issue.

 

How a child's family life is can lead to responses which uncover abuse. A doctor is a mandatory reporter.

 

These questions are sadly appropriate. I truly understand how you feel, as I have a 13 year old daughter.

 

These questions are appropriate for a child with little or no parental supervision, and they may be more appropriate for a social worker who has already been alerted to problems within the home. They should not be part of a blanket questionairre delivered to all children, especially since not all children at that age even know what sex is ( I know it seems shocking, but some children are sheltered from it until high school).

 

The parent has the right to choose when their child is exposed to conversations such as this, not he physician.

[coffeefreak]

DD had to fill out a form, but it asked questions like, circle the words that describe you, what are your favorite things to do, are there guns in your home (she had to ask me), do you wear a helmet, do you ever feel sad etc. . . I pre-screened the questions so I would know, and then I handed them over to her. I guess I wouldn't have a problem with her answering questions about us (homelife) or sex. Her emotional well being is important to me, and I'm not so naive as to think that I will spot or understand everything. As for sex, I want her to know that she can tell her Drs ANYTHING she needs to. She needs to know that the Dr is a safe place to go, and that her health and well being are more important than her embarrassment or my disappointment. The time is coming where she will need to help me make medical decisions for her, and I don't want her to be afraid.

 

I know it feels like your parental rights are being taken away. I have had health problems my whole life, and every time I see a new Dr, one of the things I look for is a Dr who will PARTNER with me. I won't see physicians who don't listen, talk down to me, or run in and out of the room. I'm not a hypochondriac, and shouldn't be treated like one. Likewise, my preferences should be respected. If I say a certain medication was not worth it, they should not refuse to find another one.

 

We are on our 4th pediatrician. The girl's baby Dr started handing his patients over to a partner so he could retire. She was NOT a partner with the parents. Fast forward to now, I finally found a Dr that UNDERSTANDS when my dd writes, "I'm weird," :glare:on her questionnaire, she's simply a 10 year old who is silly and likes being different. She takes the time to talk to both of us about both of our concerns. When DD told her proudly that she's a picky eater, the Dr talked to her like an adult about the importance of nutrition and how hard "Mom," works to feed her healthy food for a reason. She actually went through some foods and got dd to try them later! That's a partner. :001_smile:

 

Since your Dr didn't push the issue, I wouldn't worry too much about it. However, going forward, if you don't feel like this Dr will be a partner with you and work with you and your children, I would find someone who will.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[sheryl]

True, but I would imagine in the case of the OP, she is well aware of her duties to teach her children about sex. What other parents do or don't do is their business and responsibility (or lack thereof). Most homeschooling parents whom I have personally met take their parenting responsibilities very seriously, including those touching this subject.

 

Sorry, I disagree. Standardized forms are common practice but that doesn't make them appropriate. It is NOT the place of someone who I allow and trust to take care of our families physical health to ask my daughter if she prefers girls to boys or anything of a sexual nature. And yes, this question is on the form she wanted to give my daughter.

 

Our Dr. has been our family practitioner for 15 years. She sees us regularly and knows us well. She knows our children are neither abused nor depressed.

Her standardized form has questions that we, her parents, do not find appropriate for our child and we will not allow them.

 

I am not quite unerstanding why it would be a doctor's job to ascertain these kinds of things in the first place.

I can understand a doctor, with discretion, asking a parent if they could give their child a form to fill in, and show the parent the form first.

I can understnad a doctor giving that same form to an unaccompanied minor who appears to be at possible risk.

I cannot for the life of me understand giving a form like that to a child.

I do not see my doctor as having that sort of obligation to my children. Her obligation is to check that they are healthy and devleoping normally. Her job is to SERVE me and my child, not to take control and act with authority, unless it very clearly falls within the guidelines of her duty. And if it does..well, it shouldnt! This is one of the areas I feel people give doctors way too much status, authority and power, and it is not warranted.

To me, it is welfare offocials who should be checking on whether a child is being abused- and a doctor might tip them off if they are suspicious due to bruising or things a child or parent says.

But I in no way would want my doctor to think it is her responsibility to make sure my child is not in danger of STDs at age 11 or 13, when she is accompanied by me. Asking briefly if she is sexually active might perhaps be appropriate but that would as far as I could ever expect a doctor to go for a child that young- in a normal circumstance.

I fail to see why the vast majority are constantly being told to fall in line to testing and various things that are appropriate only to the minority. If in certain districts, certain inner city areas, certain zones where teen pregnancies are high- well, ok, I can understand. But not across the board.

Just because teen pregnancies do happen and in 11yos, doesnt mean I want my particular 11yo questioned, tested, or asked to fill out questionnaires! Any doctor can have that much discretion and if they dont, I am sorry, they are just a robot working for the system, and I dont want to use them anyway .

If my doctor gave my child a form like that I woudl not return and I would be livid.

 

 

I agree with you ladies and highlighted in pink to reference. I've repeated how many times that I know ALL kids are at varying degrees of risk: some are not at risk to preg teens.

 

It's just not the "duty" of the dr to perform this task. It is up to the parents to teach. If the parents don't choose to teach, then so be it. You'll have parents who do teach and their dd's may or may not get preg. The other parents conversely who do not teach will also have dd's who do and do not get preg. It's up to the parents to "choose" to teach and the child to make the right choices.

[sheryl]

These questions are appropriate for a child with little or no parental supervision, and they may be more appropriate for a social worker who has already been alerted to problems within the home. They should not be part of a blanket questionairre delivered to all children, especially since not all children at that age even know what sex is ( I know it seems shocking, but some children are sheltered from it until high school).

 

The parent has the right to choose when their child is exposed to conversations such as this, not he physician.

 

This really sums it up...THANKS for that. This is what I'm saying.

 

 

DD had to fill out a form, but it asked questions like, circle the words that describe you, what are your favorite things to do, are there guns in your home (she had to ask me), do you wear a helmet, do you ever feel sad etc. . . I pre-screened the questions so I would know, and then I handed them over to her. I guess I wouldn't have a problem with her answering questions about us (homelife) or sex. Her emotional well being is important to me, and I'm not so naive as to think that I will spot or understand everything. As for sex, I want her to know that she can tell her Drs ANYTHING she needs to. She needs to know that the Dr is a safe place to go, and that her health and well being are more important than her embarrassment or my disappointment. The time is coming where she will need to help me make medical decisions for her, and I don't want her to be afraid.

 

I know it feels like your parental rights are being taken away. I have had health problems my whole life, and every time I see a new Dr, one of the things I look for is a Dr who will PARTNER with me. I won't see physicians who don't listen, talk down to me, or run in and out of the room. I'm not a hypochondriac, and shouldn't be treated like one. Likewise, my preferences should be respected. If I say a certain medication was not worth it, they should not refuse to find another one.

 

We are on our 4th pediatrician. The girl's baby Dr started handing his patients over to a partner so he could retire. She was NOT a partner with the parents. Fast forward to now, I finally found a Dr that UNDERSTANDS when my dd writes, "I'm weird," :glare:on her questionnaire, she's simply a 10 year old who is silly and likes being different. She takes the time to talk to both of us about both of our concerns. When DD told her proudly that she's a picky eater, the Dr talked to her like an adult about the importance of nutrition and how hard "Mom," works to feed her healthy food for a reason. She actually went through some foods and got dd to try them later! That's a partner. :001_smile:

 

Since your Dr didn't push the issue, I wouldn't worry too much about it. However, going forward, if you don't feel like this Dr will be a partner with you and work with you and your children, I would find someone who will.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

 

Obviously I have my dd's emotional well being at heart as well, hence the reason why I "pulled" the questionnaire. Doctor...safe place....not for sex. Other medical issues yes. I also want my dd to feel comfortable with her ped, but not to talk with him about se***

[sheryl]

We had an appt today with my dd's psychiatrist (she has controlled epilepsy and has behavioral issues like add, adhd so she's on meds from this doctor). I replayed this "event" from last week with this female psychi and she said that it was inappropriate. This is a mature black woman who in her own words sees ALL types of troubled teens. She also goes to our church!!! :D She said that it was not ped's place to discuss those issues and was surprised with form. She asked me "why" ped offered it. She said what one poster said on this thread that usually if you plant the seed it will sprout....literally and figuritvely. She agreed 11 is NOT the right age. This woman has been practicing for 25-30 years and I value her opinion. Again, she has seen kids from all backgrounds who are troubled, etc.

[Haiku]

She said what one poster said on this thread that usually if you plant the seed it will sprout....literally and figuritvely.

 

I think that's a bunch of bunk. I think that's a tired, disproven scare tactic.

 

Tara

[Lizzie in Ma]

I am not quite unerstanding why it would be a doctor's job to ascertain these kinds of things in the first place.

I can understand a doctor, with discretion, asking a parent if they could give their child a form to fill in, and show the parent the form first.

I can understnad a doctor giving that same form to an unaccompanied minor who appears to be at possible risk.

I cannot for the life of me understand giving a form like that to a child.

I do not see my doctor as having that sort of obligation to my children. Her obligation is to check that they are healthy and devleoping normally. Her job is to SERVE me and my child, not to take control and act with authority, unless it very clearly falls within the guidelines of her duty. And if it does..well, it shouldnt! This is one of the areas I feel people give doctors way too much status, authority and power, and it is not warranted.

To me, it is welfare offocials who should be checking on whether a child is being abused- and a doctor might tip them off if they are suspicious due to bruising or things a child or parent says.

But I in no way would want my doctor to think it is her responsibility to make sure my child is not in danger of STDs at age 11 or 13, when she is accompanied by me. Asking briefly if she is sexually active might perhaps be appropriate but that would as far as I could ever expect a doctor to go for a child that young- in a normal circumstance.

I fail to see why the vast majority are constantly being told to fall in line to testing and various things that are appropriate only to the minority. If in certain districts, certain inner city areas, certain zones where teen pregnancies are high- well, ok, I can understand. But not across the board.

Just because teen pregnancies do happen and in 11yos, doesnt mean I want my particular 11yo questioned, tested, or asked to fill out questionnaires! Any doctor can have that much discretion and if they dont, I am sorry, they are just a robot working for the system, and I dont want to use them anyway .

If my doctor gave my child a form like that I woudl not return and I would be livid.

 

Nicely said Peela, thanks. :iagree:

[sheryl]

I think that's a bunch of bunk. I think that's a tired, disproven scare tactic.

t

Tara

 

 

well tara it's a free country...sure hope it stays that way, don't you? so feel free with your opinion. this female psychi is very learned, booked, experienced...she's in the practice for more than the money. i value her opinion...to me it's common sense.

[Haiku]

Well I'm not talking out my rear either. I have worked with several populations of at-risk kids, and in my experience the idea that we have to be careful what we say to kids because our bringing up a topic encourages them to do it has been thoroughly discredited. Thanks for the snark, though. It was fun. :)

 

Tara

[Mejane]

The more recent threads are ones that I'm in agreement with more.

 

That's because you are looking for validation for what you already believe. You feel you are doing what's right and you have a psychiatrist who backs you up. Good for you.

 

You asked if this was standard policy and if it should be. You probably shouldn't ask for others' opinions if you really don't want to hear them.

[sheryl]

That's because you are looking for validation for what you already believe. You feel you are doing what's right and you have a psychiatrist who backs you up. Good for you.

 

You asked if this was standard policy and if it should be. You probably shouldn't ask for others' opinions if you really don't want to hear them.

 

Weeeeeeell the dr does NOT think it should be a blanket policy for every kid. She, like myself, believes that it needs to be based on history with patient and observation of child. BTW, I don't need validation. I know in my heart this is wrong. I chose to give the form asap, I didn't post first to ask for opinions on doing so.

 

For the record, I understand the doctors reasoning why THEY think THEY need to do this, but I don't agree with it. There is a difference. I know where they're coming from, but imo they're thinking is skewed for the host of reasons already mentioned by myself and others who agree with repy posts to mine.

[coffeefreak]

Obviously I have my dd's emotional well being at heart as well, hence the reason why I "pulled" the questionnaire. Doctor...safe place....not for sex. Other medical issues yes. I also want my dd to feel comfortable with her ped, but not to talk with him about se***

 

We had an appt today with my dd's psychiatrist (she has controlled epilepsy and has behavioral issues like add, adhd so she's on meds from this doctor). I replayed this "event" from last week with this female psychi and she said that it was inappropriate. This is a mature black woman who in her own words sees ALL types of troubled teens. She also goes to our church!!! :D She said that it was not ped's place to discuss those issues and was surprised with form. She asked me "why" ped offered it. She said what one poster said on this thread that usually if you plant the seed it will sprout....literally and figuritvely. She agreed 11 is NOT the right age. This woman has been practicing for 25-30 years and I value her opinion. Again, she has seen kids from all backgrounds who are troubled, etc.

 

Then I think it's time for you to look for a new Pediatrician. Like I've said, we've been through 4. We left one of them because she didn't approve of homeschooling and made it clear. Since you feel so strongly about this, I would go with that and switch.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[sheryl]

Then I think it's time for you to look for a new Pediatrician. Like I've said, we've been through 4. We left one of them because she didn't approve of homeschooling and made it clear. Since you feel so strongly about this, I would go with that and switch.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

 

Yes, Dorinda, that is what my dh have been discussing.

[Renthead Mommy]

She, like myself, believes that it needs to be based on history with patient and observation of child.

 

Okay, I finally figured out what was bothering me about this thread. This whole assumption, 'well that doctor KNOWS our family'. Granted some of you may really know your doctors. Maybe your kids go to school together, maybe you play golf or tennis together or whatever. But I don't think the average family has a long term relationship with a pediatrician anymore.

 

Granted, being military, our docs rotate in and out depending on their tour rotations and deployments and such, so we see a pediatrician, but we never know who we'll see necessarily, and eventually, either we move or they move.

 

People ourside of the military often have the same issues. People move. Doctors move. People change jobs, which changes their insurance coverage. Doctors drop various insurances. People can't stay with the same doctor forever anymore.

 

And with the way healthcare/insurance has been (not just now, but for years - don't get into a healthcare thing please) doctors have to see a larger number of people a day to get the quota they need to cover expenses of an office. Unless your kid has a lot of issues and is there often, I think that's a lot to assume this poor doctor remembers what a wonderful family you supposedly have from well check up to well check up.

 

You want a form handed out "based on history with patient and observation of a child"? So you want it based on what a doctor assumes your family is like and what they can remember of them? And what about the 11/12 yo 'new patient'. The doctor doesn't have any history or previous observations of the child. Maybe they come from some great family too. Maybe not. Maybe the kid is desperate to fit in at their new school and going about it all the wrong way. Maybe not.

 

But what's the doctor supposed to do then? Look and see what kind of shoes they are wearing?? (Sorry! Couldn't help myself with that one!:lol:)

[starwarsmomma]

I was handed a similar form at my son's 10 year old visit.

 

I threw it away in front of the doc-- he didn't say a word.

[sheryl]

I was handed a similar form at my son's 10 year old visit.

 

I threw it away in front of the doc-- he didn't say a word.

 

 

Thanks for sharing that....I know I'm not alone. ;)