My adult daughter has taken it upon herself...

[PollyOR]

to convince her sisters (12 & 14) that they should be attending public school. I am :mad:. I have pointed out to her in no uncertain terms that she is overstepping my authority as a parent. For the record, both girls want to continue homeschooling. Big sister won't back down because she believes it is her right to show them what they are missing out on.

[Cindyz]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having difficulties. :(

 

Out of curiosity, was your adult daughter home schooled?

[Jean in Newcastle]

If adult daughter is out of the house, she needs to be restricted from seeing her sisters until she respects your parental authority. Tough words, I know but I think those boundaries need to be firm.

[secular_mom]

When is she saying these things to them? In person? On the phone? E-mail?

[Liz CA]

Polly, is this the grown adult who has two children herself (from your siggy line)?

Ask her how she would like it if you started to discipline her children and interfere in her child rearing philosophy.

[usetoschool]

I would say (I think)

 

"Thank you for your input, I know you are just concerned about your sisters and trying to help and I appreciate that, however, Heavenly Father made me their mother and I take that responsibility very seriously and believe I am doing what is best for them. What you are doing is just going to cause contention and isn't going to change our minds about anything. Please don't bring it up again. If you feel like they are missing out on something I would certainly be open to you taking them places and doing things with them outside of school hours. I love you. Are you coming over for dinner on Sunday?"

 

It isn't unusual, I think, when someone is a new mom to suddenly see everything differently and spread those momming ideas and hormones out the rest of the world and try to raise everyone's kids. Hopefully she will get over it pretty soon and start thanking you for being a good mom and working so hard to raise her.

[PollyOR]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having difficulties. :(

 

Out of curiosity, was your adult daughter home schooled?

 

Yes, during 8th grade and then again for 11th and 12th. Both times it was her choice. The first time she was very lonely and uncooperative at the same time, so returning to public school was a good choice. I did not want to homeschool her the second time, and so she unschooled(?). She hung out at the high school all day playing in two bands and running XC. She did attend community college during the last half of 12th.

 

 

If adult daughter is out of the house, she needs to be restricted from seeing her sisters until she respects your parental authority. Tough words, I know but I think those boundaries need to be firm.

 

Jean, you and my sister agree. We babysit for her every Tuesday afternoon and if she can't show respect for me as a parent, I'm going to have to ask her to make other arrangements. She married into a family with little respect for boundaries and I think she is picking up their ways. That doesn't work for me.

 

 

When is she saying these things to them? In person? On the phone? E-mail?

 

In person at my house and when they go to stay with her. I let her 12yo sister stay with her for several nights. When I picked up 12yo she spent the 1/2 hour ride home filling me in. She wasn't supposed to tell me since adult dd told her that I might not let them sleep over anymore.

[hsmom2girls]

What is it that your daughter feels they are missing out on?

 

- Being offered drugs

- Being bullied, spit on and made fun of

- Watch girls/boys engage in sexual activities on school grounds

- profanity and other bad language

 

etc. just to name a few.

 

It would be interesting on what she feels they are missing out on

[PollyOR]

Polly, is this the grown adult who has two children herself (from your siggy line)?

Ask her how she would like it if you started to discipline her children and interfere in her child rearing philosophy.

 

Yes, she is. Liz, I did point out to her that she wouldn't like it if I did the same thing to her. Since we all belong to the same denomination, I made up a story where I joined another church and then tried to persuade her children to join the church with me. Didn't phase her.

[PollyOR]

I would say (I think)

 

"Thank you for your input, I know you are just concerned about your sisters and trying to help and I appreciate that, however, Heavenly Father made me their mother and I take that responsibility very seriously and believe I am doing what is best for them. What you are doing is just going to cause contention and isn't going to change our minds about anything. Please don't bring it up again. If you feel like they are missing out on something I would certainly be open to you taking them places and doing things with them outside of school hours. I love you. Are you coming over for dinner on Sunday?"

 

It isn't unusual, I think, when someone is a new mom to suddenly see everything differently and spread those momming ideas and hormones out the rest of the world and try to raise everyone's kids. Hopefully she will get over it pretty soon and start thanking you for being a good mom and working so hard to raise her.

 

Janet, I wish I could do this. I don't believe she'll listen, but it is worth a try. I appreciate you sharing the perspective of how new moms think. Thank you.

[Murphy101]

At first, my response was to basicly just tell her the truth. She doesn't have a say in how you raise your kids and she needs to mind her own child raising. tyvm.

 

Because NO she does not have "rights" to someone else's children, even if she is a sibling.

 

Then I read this and WHOA! No my opinion drasticly changes.

 

In person at my house and when they go to stay with her. I let her 12yo sister stay with her for several nights. When I picked up 12yo she spent the 1/2 hour ride home filling me in. She wasn't supposed to tell me since adult dd told her that I might not let them sleep over anymore.

 

There's hell to pay in my house if anyone tells my kids to keep secrets from me of any kind whatsoever. Period.

 

That is way over the line and not allowed.

 

so I'd tell my dc at home that they can't stay over anymore because she is telling them to

a. lie to me and or keep secrets from me, which is always wrong

 

b. she is purposely tryign to make them unhappy with their family life by telling them a different life would be better. She is basicly trying to convince them the grass is greener on the other side. And frankly, she isn't their parent and doesn't get a say anyways.

 

After having this conversation with kids at home, I'd call dd and explain that if she continues undermining my parenting and encouraging her siblings to keep secrets from me, then she needs to find another baby sitter. I'd be as nice as possible, but the simple truth is any mother of minimal sense would feel the same if you did that to her dc. and it won't be lond before her dc is old enough for her to understand that.

[usetoschool]

 

Since she told you anyway I would assume your relationship with the younger girls is fine but I would make absolutely sure they understand that you aren't going to choose sides but what the older girl did is what is causing the trouble and that saying things like that is what is going to keep her from seeing her sisters, not inserting her opinion about the homeschooling matter. "Don't tell your mom" crosses some serious lines in my opinion.

[PollyOR]

What is it that your daughter feels they are missing out on?

 

- Being offered drugs

- Being bullied, spit on and made fun of

- Watch girls/boys engage in sexual activities on school grounds

- profanity and other bad language

 

etc. just to name a few.

 

It would be interesting on what she feels they are missing out on

 

A diploma. ;) Maybe I should give her mine. I told her that I didn't think a high school diploma was important, but I pointed out some options (cc offered a hs diploma, GED, etc.) which she refused at the time. She received a two year degree from the community college and transferred to the University.

[Mimm]

I have a 14 year old sister that is quite intelligent but has been raised without anyone pushing her or motivating her or even providing her an environment where she can thrive. And now, at the age of 14, it is difficult to get her to read anything without Harry Potter or Twilight on the cover. She won't challenge herself in any way. She had a very different childhood than the one I had, and I wish my mother had done and would do certain things differently with her.

 

And what do I say about this? Nothing. Oh, a few gentle suggestions to my mother (who doesn't take criticism well, to say the least). And when my sister came to stay with me I tried to get her to read Jane Austin's Emma (which I feel is the most accessible of her works). But no, she started it, lost steam about a third of the way through. She's intellectually lazy in the extreme.

 

I'm not sure what you can do but tell her to mind her own business. And obviously model the type of respect you expect from her. I've been lucky in that regard with both my parents and my inlaws.

[Haiku]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissent. Yes, you are the parent so your decision is final, but ... she's their sister. It's not like she's trying to persuade them to do drugs and be trampy. I don't know exactly what was said, so maybe my opinion is worth nothing at all, but if you older daughter has opinions about schooling and homeschooling, I really don't think she should be restricted from sharing them with your other daughters. They need to be able to have a relationship with their sister that is independent from you, and if they don't want to go to school, they can tell their sister that.

 

Like I said, I don't know exactly what was said, but it sounds to me a bit like you are trying to micromanage their relationship.

 

ETA: To explain a bit more where I am coming from, I have a 15 year old who attends public school. She has, on occasion, explained to my little kids why they should go to school. I let my kids listen to her and discuss what they think with her, and then I discuss with my kids the choices we have made and why we won't be putting them in school. My kids are seven and eight. At twelve and fourteen, I would imagine that your kids understand why you have chosen to homeshool and are capable of verbalizing that to their sister.

 

Tara

Edited May 23, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[PollyOR]

Tara, yes it does come across as micromanaging. We do discuss homeschool together in front of and with the girls. In fact, I have given my girls the choice to attend ps.

 

Recently we were having a conversation where I mentioned that 14yo may want to attend high school next year because her best friend might have to quit homeschool. It was the old "give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile" opportunity. Adult dd got really excited and starting getting kind of pushy with me. I just listened and bit my tongue. Then the incident with her telling 12yo not to tell me. I told her I didn't appreciate what she had done and she was not their parent. She won't back down. It is no longer about homeschool. It is about a lack of respect for me as a parent.

[hsmom2girls]

A diploma. ;) Maybe I should give her mine. I told her that I didn't think a high school diploma was important, but I pointed out some options (cc offered a hs diploma, GED, etc.) which she refused at the time. She received a two year degree from the community college and transferred to the University.

 

Ok, well there's a school in Rhode Island that gives a diploma to HS kids. Rhode Island only requires 17 1/2 credits and they will go through "all your notes, etc." and evaluate your girls work over the years and tell you what they need to complete their requirements.

 

If you keep good records it will help make the process easier. I've heard of several people going this route because HS diploma is considered "better" than a GED.

 

You could also sign them up for courses in their high school years with programs that give diplomas there are many ways to do it and your daughter is "overstepping her bounds".

 

Edited to add this;

 

If you adult daughter wants a HS diploma because she feels she's missed out maybe you can tell her about the RI school and let her send her work in for evaluation. :)

[PollyOR]

There's hell to pay in my house if anyone tells my kids to keep secrets from me of any kind whatsoever. Period.

 

Martha, you make me smile. :D

[pqr]

 

In person at my house and when they go to stay with her. I let her 12yo sister stay with her for several nights. When I picked up 12yo she spent the 1/2 hour ride home filling me in. She wasn't supposed to tell me since adult dd told her that I might not let them sleep over anymore.

 

It wouldn't just be sleep overs that would be out.

 

Unbelievable, and that a child would do that to a parent.

[StartingOver]

If adult daughter is out of the house, she needs to be restricted from seeing her sisters until she respects your parental authority. Tough words, I know but I think those boundaries need to be firm.

:iagree:

 

I have older children and younger. My older will not undermine my authority with the little ones. I have told them in no uncertain terms !!

 

My mother attempted to meddle in my parenting, I will not allow my children to do so, or meddle in their parenting.

 

( Not counting if something is endangering my grandchildren, such as drug use by my children, although I can't this happening. But we can't really say never, the future is undecided. )

Edited May 23, 2010 by alatexan68

[May]

I think I would take her out to lunch and have a quiet converstion with her. Saying "I'm the mother and I will decide what is best for your sisters. If you refuse to respect that, your contact will be limited to nonexistent. I love you and I hope that we can resolve this issue." Having it in a public forum will lessening the chance of yelling and shouting, I speak from experience on this one:001_smile:

[PollyOR]

I have a 14 year old sister that is quite intelligent but has been raised without anyone pushing her or motivating her or even providing her an environment where she can thrive. And now, at the age of 14, it is difficult to get her to read anything without Harry Potter or Twilight on the cover. She won't challenge herself in any way. She had a very different childhood than the one I had, and I wish my mother had done and would do certain things differently with her.

 

And what do I say about this? Nothing. Oh, a few gentle suggestions to my mother (who doesn't take criticism well, to say the least). And when my sister came to stay with me I tried to get her to read Jane Austin's Emma (which I feel is the most accessible of her works). But no, she started it, lost steam about a third of the way through. She's intellectually lazy in the extreme.

 

I'm not sure what you can do but tell her to mind her own business. And obviously model the type of respect you expect from her. I've been lucky in that regard with both my parents and my inlaws.

 

Mimm, thank you for sharing. It's good to read your perspective. Adult dd has carefully shared her concerns before (honestly, I don't take criticism easily either) and I try to address those concerns. She gets upset because my girls don't LOVE school. Well, I don't think they are too different from most youth their age. Not too many kids are clamoring for more work ;). She didn't when she was their age.

 

I will admit that I'm not the perfect parent or teacher. Sometimes I get weary and worn down and don't follow through on things I know I should. But, I haven't given up...yet.

[Mommyfaithe]

to convince her sisters (12 & 14) that they should be attending public school. I am :mad:. I have pointed out to her in no uncertain terms that she is overstepping my authority as a parent. For the record, both girls want to continue homeschooling. Big sister won't back down because she believes it is her right to show them what they are missing out on.

 

All I can say is GRRRRRR!!!!!! and then do such a good job she shuts her big mouth and asks YOU for advice in how to homeschool her own kids. Until then...I would limit her alone time with my younger kids steering all conversations away from school issues. I would remind her I was still HER mom and she should at least respect me.

 

Faithe

 

PS, I do have adult children...and I try not to be intrusive in their lives and they know they better and hold their tongues on how I raise their younger sibilings...especially to THEM! If they had a concern and came to me, that is one thing...but to undermine me to my other kids...siblings or not...they would be in very deep ca-ca.

Edited May 23, 2010 by Mommyfaithe

[Jean in Newcastle]

The way I see it, if my mother or mother-in-law tried to do what your adult daughter was doing, people would be lining up telling me to set firm boundaries.

 

If a babysitter or a close family friend tried to do what your adult daughter was doing, I would get the same advice on setting a firm boundary.

 

I don't see how her being a sibling changes any of the dynamics of you being the parent and where the boundaries lie.

[OnTheBrink]

No one will undermine my authority with my child and be welcomed into my home. It is irrelevant that they're sisters. The adult daughter has no rights over or regarding her minor siblings. Her approach is manipulative, sneaky, divisive, disrespectful and juvenile. The time for reasoning with her has long past. It's time to set some strict boundaries and not give an inch with the adult daughter. She is WAY out of line.

[Murphy101]

She had a very different childhood than the one I had, and I wish my mother had done and would do certain things differently with her.

 

Yes, I don't doubt it. Such is life. My younger kids are VERY differently handled than my older kids. It's called living and learning.

 

And I am the youngest of 4 by more than a decade and can tell you that I DEEPLY resented any efforts on their part to presume to parent me. They thought they knew better than my parents and better than me. I personally remembered enough of them growing up to know they weren't any better a kid than me and many times they were worse. But they sure didn't remember it that way.

 

Maybe your parents do things differently with her bc it's things they wished they'd done differently with you.

 

And what do I say about this? Nothing. Oh, a few gentle suggestions to my mother (who doesn't take criticism well, to say the least).

 

Yeah. I think you will find most mothers don't take well to someone who has babies telling them how to parent teens. Rates right up there with people who have never had kids telling someone how to parent and men explaining what childbirth is like.:lol:

 

And when my sister came to stay with me I tried to get her to read Jane Austin's Emma (which I feel is the most accessible of her works). But no, she started it, lost steam about a third of the way through. She's intellectually lazy in the extreme.

 

 

Not liking Jane Austin, or any other book you think she should read, does not make her intellectually lazy.

 

Anymore than a kid being forced to read it by their mother is necessarily not lazy.

 

For that matter, I don't think anyone is intellectually anything just because they are or are not willing to read Jane Austin.

[Mommyfaithe]

>>>For that matter, I don't think anyone is intellectually anything just because they are or are not willing to read Jane Austin. >>>>

 

:lol: :lol: eeeeewwwww!!!! I hate Jane Austen! (SHHHHH!!!!!)

Faithe

[Julie in CA]

Yes, during 8th grade and then again for 11th and 12th. Both times it was her choice. The first time she was very lonely and uncooperative at the same time, so returning to public school was a good choice. I did not want to homeschool her the second time, and so she unschooled(?). She hung out at the high school all day playing in two bands and running XC. She did attend community college during the last half of 12th.

 

Perhaps your dd has some regrets about how she spent her homeschooling time, and is shifting the blame your direction. If she's convinced herself that it's your fault she "unschooled", she may be truly concerned that you aren't planning to follow through academically with your younger dc. If you are doing things differently with your younger dc, have you explained that to her in order to ease her concerns?

 

I would have absolutely no tolerance towards one of my dc subverting my authority with the others, but before you take dramatic steps towards cutting family ties, it's worth trying to explain how things will be different for your younger kids.

[Mothersweets]

No one will undermine my authority with my child and be welcomed into my home. It is irrelevant that they're sisters. The adult daughter has no rights over or regarding her minor siblings. Her approach is manipulative, sneaky, divisive, disrespectful and juvenile. The time for reasoning with her has long past. It's time to set some strict boundaries and not give an inch with the adult daughter. She is WAY out of line.

 

:iagree:Adult dd doesn't get it and you will have to be hard and lay down the law.

[Mimm]

Ok, apparently people here don't like Jane Austin. As far as how my parents' parenting has changed over the years, you'll have to take my word for it that it was definitely for the worse. My parents were very involved in my life, too much so, in fact, but at least there were rules and I followed them. I would expect them to relax over time with the younger kids, but things have really fallen apart. By contrast, my youngest siblings are out partying, getting arrested, getting pregnant... And more. I won't go into the messy details. I think there's a knee-jerk reaction to defend a parent from a child's criticism, but do realize that I know my mother is doing what she feels is the best she can in her situation which is certainly a difficult one, but I feel there is more she could have done for my sister. Not wanting to read anything except Harry Potter and Twilight is simply an example of what I'm talking about and not the whole story.

 

And Jane Austin is my favorite author, so that's why I picked her. I loved her at 14 and still do. :) And Emma was by no means the only book I attempted to get my sister to read.

Edited May 23, 2010 by Mimm

[SproutMamaK]

No one will undermine my authority with my child and be welcomed into my home. It is irrelevant that they're sisters. The adult daughter has no rights over or regarding her minor siblings. Her approach is manipulative, sneaky, divisive, disrespectful and juvenile. The time for reasoning with her has long past. It's time to set some strict boundaries and not give an inch with the adult daughter. She is WAY out of line.

 

:iagree: I know it's easier to say than to do, but if DD says that she will not stop, then you need to tell her that if she refuses to stop, she will not longer be given the opportunity to behave badly - ie, no more contact with her sisters.

[HRAAB]

As much as I love all my dd's, if one of them were undermining my parental authority behind my back, I would not allow my younger girls to visit that dd any longer unless I was present. I would definitely have a private conversation with her, and make sure she understands exactly where I stand on the matter. It would be no different than if it were grandparents, well meaning relatives or friends - it would not be tolerated.

 

If my dd had honest concerns, she would be welcome to voice them to me in private.

[elizabeth]

As much as I love all my dd's, if one of them were undermining my parental authority behind my back, I would not allow my younger girls to visit that dd any longer unless I was present. I would definitely have a private conversation with her, and make sure she understands exactly where I stand on the matter. It would be no different than if it were grandparents, well meaning relatives or friends - it would not be tolerated.

 

If my dd had honest concerns, she would be welcome to voice them to me in private.

 

Absolutely . I am sorry this is happening and that she is not being gracious or respectful to you. You have often demonstrated both qualites in your posts here and I genuinely have no idea where she is coming from on this. I have had to make it abundantly clear to friends, godparents etc that this is one of those areas where we are not open to debate or discussion. This has not caused any serious fractures in our relationships and I am pleased . But if it were necessary to lay down the law I would not hesitate as this is openly disrespectful and frankly, you do not need the flak. I don't know about you but with dd in the hs years I am treading water with cc classes, guitar lessons, library board , anime club etc I am also menopausal. Those who wish to tangle with me better bring their best game as I am taking no prisoners these days. And they better not even consider undermining my authority under my own roof. An immediate family member did that. Once. We still talk but that person bides her tongue around here.

[calandalsmom]

Honestly, if you really feel this threatened by your dd's opinion maybe ask yourself why.

 

This is her child not some meddling busybody cousin. Her own child. Im appalled that most of you would suggest cutting out a grown child for thinking her sister should experience school.

 

I dont want my kids to go to school either but realistically I would deal with this calmly and not cut anyone out or cut off any relationships between sisters- what a sure fire way to build resentment in two daughters. If your child will not be going to school you should explain to both children together why this isnt an option. If you are open to the idea you should listen to your dd's valid reasons why she feels she missed out and talk openly about the flip side- she missed out on a lot of unpleasant things too.

 

A little honest chastising- of the secrecy not the opinion- would be my choice.

[CroppinIt]

She wasn't supposed to tell me since adult dd told her that I might not let them sleep over anymore.

 

This is just as bad, imho, as the overstepping authority issue. No adult, and I don't care who it is, should ever tell a child not to tell a parent ANYthing unless it involves imminent presents. Period, end of discussion.

 

I completely agree that this would be the end of un-directly-supervised visits until both of these habits are a distant memory. I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone, blood relative or not.

[Murphy101]

As much as I love all my dd's, if one of them were undermining my parental authority behind my back, I would not allow my younger girls to visit that dd any longer unless I was present. I would definitely have a private conversation with her, and make sure she understands exactly where I stand on the matter. It would be no different than if it were grandparents, well meaning relatives or friends - it would not be tolerated.

 

If my dd had honest concerns, she would be welcome to voice them to me in private.

 

Exactly this!

 

I agree with every word.

 

I wouldn't "cut" any of my dc.

But that doesn't mean I have to tolorate being undermined by them either.

 

This might be a simple case of older dd needing some time to mature herself. In a few years, she might be a bit less full of her own parenting.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I have a 14 year old sister<snip> She had a very different childhood than the one I had, and I wish my mother had done and would do certain things differently with her.

 

And what do I say about this? Nothing.

 

I'm in the same boat, but my sister is eleven. I also say nothing. Nothing at all. It's not my place.

 

My partner's son, who is in college in a bigger city a couple of hours away, used to jump in and parent. The little ones would be, say, getting themselves milk, spilling a little, and their oldest brother would rush in, pull the milk away, do it for them, scold them for making a mess, and shoot us dirty looks. Drove. Me. Crazy.

 

Parents parent. Siblings don't. We know our kids best, we have more age and therefore more perspective, we have much more parenting experience, we are the only ones responsible if something goes wrong, we are the ones with the plan and the goals.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, Polly. It's a pain.

[Haiku]

 

Parents parent. Siblings don't. We know our kids best, we have more age and therefore more perspective, we have much more parenting experience, we are the only ones responsible if something goes wrong, we are the ones with the plan and the goals.

 

 

I'm not responding to this specifically in light of the OP's situation, but I just wanted to point out that in many cultures, that is not the case. In many cultures, large extended families raise children, and the idea that this is my

kid and I am the only one qualified or privileged to raise this child is a very foreign concept.

 

I think homeschool parents, in particular, are extremely sensitive to what they sometimes view as intrusion on their turf. Which is understandable, in some respects, from someone with a mindset that brings them to homeschooling. But I have sometimes felt that homeschooling parents can guard their ... I don't know, sovereignty? I can't think of the right word ... a little too jealously.

 

Again, this post is not specific to the OP's issue, it's just an "I've noticed in general."

 

Tara

[Murphy101]

I'm not responding to this specifically in light of the OP's situation, but I just wanted to point out that in many cultures, that is not the case. In many cultures, large extended families raise children, and the idea that this is my

kid and I am the only one qualified or privileged to raise this child is a very foreign concept.

 

not really. there IS a hierarchy to how the kids are raised and extended family may be very involved and have many shared discussions, but in nearly all ONE lays down the law and those who undermind are not .. enjoyed.. in the circle of the family. They may even be very harshly completely cut from the family. They don't usually defy those understood to have the final say.

 

I think homeschool parents, in particular, are extremely sensitive to what they sometimes view as intrusion on their turf. Which is understandable, in some respects, from someone with a mindset that brings them to homeschooling. But I have sometimes felt that homeschooling parents can guard their ... I don't know, sovereignty? I can't think of the right word ... a little too jealously.

 

Again, this post is not specific to the OP's issue, it's just an "I've noticed in general."

 

Tara

 

Maybe.

 

But if it helps to know, for ME this had nothing to do with the dd having a difference of opinion. That really wouldn't bother me much. I would have just told her that's good to know and I'll keep that in mind and thanks for telling ME, but I'd like to keep this private in the future. (By the way, if my dh had a problem with how I handle something with the kids, I'd expect the same. A private conversation.)

 

But the keeping of secrets and the encouragement to rebel against my parenting would be a huge problem for me. I truely can't think of any culture where that is considered acceptable in the family relationships. I know it happens in all cultures, but I can't think of any where it is acceptable as okay to do it. And I sure can't think of any positive outcomes for it.

[jld]

Honestly, if you really feel this threatened by your dd's opinion maybe ask yourself why.

 

This is her child not some meddling busybody cousin. Her own child. Im appalled that most of you would suggest cutting out a grown child for thinking her sister should experience school.

 

I dont want my kids to go to school either but realistically I would deal with this calmly and not cut anyone out or cut off any relationships between sisters- what a sure fire way to build resentment in two daughters. If your child will not be going to school you should explain to both children together why this isnt an option. If you are open to the idea you should listen to your dd's valid reasons why she feels she missed out and talk openly about the flip side- she missed out on a lot of unpleasant things too.

 

 

A little honest chastising- of the secrecy not the opinion- would be my choice.

 

 

Very wise words.

 

I can't imagine "cutting off" my dd for any reason. She has told me things I should have done differently, or should do differently. I might feel hurt, or guilty, but I certainly listen and try to genuinely respond to her thoughts. She cares about her siblings and wants the best for them. After my dh and me, she loves them the most. I can't imagine treating her so unkindly, when it's perhaps just my pride at stake.

 

If I were you, I would really listen, humbly listen, to what she is saying. If I disagree, I would gently explain why. I would thank her for having the courage to confront me, and ask her to please feel free to continue sharing her honest opinions with me. I would be very clear that just being older does not necessarily make me wiser. I, too, need to hear different viewpoints so that I can be refining myself and challenging myself. Criticism can be a gift, if we're open to truly looking at it.

 

In the case of "secrecy", I would ask why she felt she needed to say something secretly to her siblings. I would ask if she felt unable to say this in front of me for some reason, and apologize for making her feel she couldn't say something to them in front of me. I would ask her how I could gain her trust, so that we could build a relationship that didn't make people resort to secrets. Humility -- it goes a long way in building and maintaining love-based relationships.

 

And, fwiw, dd has sometimes come to me months later and told me she now understands why I made some decisions I made. She has told me that with a little more experience of her own, she now understands me better. I don't know if she would have felt comfortable doing that if I had not been open to her thoughts in the first place.

[LibraryLover]

My 21 yr old never-hs'd oldest thinks his hsing sibs rock! He attended a hsing event the other night and participated in the music portion, even. A grpup of parents asked him if he had been hs'd (they were super-impressed by him , and I think looking at him as a poster young adult for hsing! lol) and when he replied no, they were surprised. One parent was able to cough out "What do you think of hsing?" He replied, 'My siblings are the coolest, smartest people I know. I can't imagine them not hsing". When they asked if he wished he had been hs'd he replied, 'I had a nice school experience, but I think being hs'd would have been cool, too". A+ answer, my boy! :D I replied, "He turned out OK" and everyone chuckled.

 

My oldest is precious to me and to his siblings, so I would be very careful here. Before I would write her off, or limit contact, I would have a chat with her. She might not understand what you and her sibs are doing. I can't even **imagine** cutting off contact with a beloved sibling! That would be *way* over-the-top for us. My oldest is a very open person, so discssing this with him would be a no-brainer for us.

Edited May 24, 2010 by LibraryLover

[PollyOR]

My MIL just told us (very nicely) to knock it off, kiss, and make up. Should I start a MIL post? :lol:

[LibraryLover]

My MIL just told us (very nicely) to knock it off, kiss, and make up. Should I start a MIL post? :lol:

 

This person...the 'adult daughter', is *your child*, right?

[Laurie4b]

Sounds like a touchy time in your relationship with your adult daughter. It's not so much the "to homeschool or not to homeschool" issue but the undermining of your authority by saying, "Keep this secret from mom." And as a PP pointed out, that is very immature.

 

I haven't graduated anyone yet, but from my friends' experiences, it's not at all unusual for homeschooled kids to re-evaluate the experience, even going back and forth on it. (DD of my neighbor went from "I'm so glad I was homeschooled," to "You should never have homeschooled me," to "I'm so glad I was homeschooled." The latter seems to be her adult position, LOL!)

 

You sound, understandably, really mad right now. I'd encourage you to cool off before deciding how to handle adult dd. She's being immature--but you're still her mom and you want to keep your relationship with her on good terms as well. Stay calm, speak softly, and don't burn bridges.

 

With your younger ones, I would tend to explain that people go through different phases in terms of their view of their parents' wisdom or lack thereof, and that the early twenties is probably the time of life when you think you know the most . Later, it's likely that your adult dd will think back on how ridiculous she was being with this incident. Give them a little perspective (maybe they'll remember it later if you're lucky); this perspective enables them to feel wiser than older dd is for now (and they were--in coming to tell you about what she said) and that will dilute older dd's influence. Don't turn them against her, just let them know that that is a typical of *some* kids in their early 20s.

 

If this is the first incident, it sounds like you've let adult dd know what you think. Leave it at that. Don't insist that she agree right now. Keep close to your younger dd's and keep building bridges with your adult dd.

[Murphy101]

Well I agree with your MIL.

If that is at all possible, then that is what should happen.

It would be very hard on me to feel I couldn't trust my grown dc to not hurt our family by undermining dh and I.

There'd be a major private serious talking to about this.

Hopfully in a friendly adult manner.

Then I'd pray hard it takes root and move on.

[Slartibartfast]

 

There's hell to pay in my house if anyone tells my kids to keep secrets from me of any kind whatsoever. Period.

 

 

I agree, that would absolutely be the end of sleep overs. Encouraging secrets are NOT OK to me.

 

I would never cut off my child but I also wouldn't allow one child to undermine me with another.

 

 

 

Of course it should all be knocked off and there should be kissing and make-uping but your dd actually has to stop doing what she is doing

Edited May 24, 2010 by Sis

[elegantlion]

I be tempted to invite your dd over when the other girls are away and talk it out. If she is attempting to undermine your authority, have her do it to your face. My mother and I had our bad years, but when I was in my 20s she started treating me as an adult. Being adult means you bring your grievances to each other, not go behind your back.

 

Did I read that your not set in stone for homeschooling? Perhaps she has some valid issues that you could address. I wouldn't give her answers right then, but take notes and tell her you'll take her concerns under advisement.

[Nestof3]

Wow -- I really disagre with this. A sibling should be encouraged to honor the mom and dad. Unless homeschooling is something detrimental, she should only be a voice of encouragement. She has the chance to raise her own children as she sees fit. The same courtesy should be given to mom.

 

I feel the same way about inlaws, for what it's worth. I also don't feel like my parents should be telling me to do things against my husband unless my husband is actually hurting me in some way.

 

And, I feel the same way about grandparents telling grandkids that they should be in public school. What is so special about sibling relationships that override common courtesy rules of both marriage and grandparent relationships?

 

It's really all about boundaries. It sounds like her daughter has some issues that she needs to clear up.

 

I guess I'll be the voice of dissent. Yes, you are the parent so your decision is final, but ... she's their sister. It's not like she's trying to persuade them to do drugs and be trampy. I don't know exactly what was said, so maybe my opinion is worth nothing at all, but if you older daughter has opinions about schooling and homeschooling, I really don't think she should be restricted from sharing them with your other daughters. They need to be able to have a relationship with their sister that is independent from you, and if they don't want to go to school, they can tell their sister that.

 

Like I said, I don't know exactly what was said, but it sounds to me a bit like you are trying to micromanage their relationship.

 

ETA: To explain a bit more where I am coming from, I have a 15 year old who attends public school. She has, on occasion, explained to my little kids why they should go to school. I let my kids listen to her and discuss what they think with her, and then I discuss with my kids the choices we have made and why we won't be putting them in school. My kids are seven and eight. At twelve and fourteen, I would imagine that your kids understand why you have chosen to homeshool and are capable of verbalizing that to their sister.

 

Tara

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been one of the posters advocating for firm boundaries. No, I would not want to break ties with my dd or break the ties between the siblings either. But adults have to face adult consequences. And the adult consequence of continuing to undermine the parent when the parent has already had more gentle talks, is to say "here is the boundary and if you cross it then here is the consequence". The fact that the older dd told the younger ones to keep things a secret let's me know that she indeed knew that what she was saying was out of line. I've had to set firm boundaries in our extended family (both ILs and my parents) and while it was tough for a short time, it has made our relationship more healthy and just better in the long run. That would be my goal.

[calandalsmom]

What undermining is going on, really?

 

An older child is encouraging her younger sibling to think about school. This is really such a threat to our parenting? Seriously?