Do you correct other people's children?

[jatoga]

We have a rule in our home that we do not use swear words...even the 'fake' swear words, like 'darn' etc. Yesterday, I was driving my 10 year old to an event and we picked up one of her friends who was also going to the event. This little girl was 11. They were playing with her electronic game and every other word that came out of her mouth, was a swear word. I cringed, trying to decide whether to say something or not. I also wanted to see if my daughter would say something. In the end, I chose not to say anything, but after I dropped her off, I thought maybe I had done the wrong thing. What would you have done? Do you ever correct other children when their parents are not around?

BTW... I talked with my daughter afterwards ... she said she wanted to tell her friend to stop, but was waiting to see if I would....

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, I don't consider darn, heck or other such words to be "swear words" and I think it would be confusing and unfair to other families if you labeled them as such. However, I think it's perfectly fine to say "we don't use exclamations like that in our family, please don't use them in my car."

[melissel]

In that case, where I'm the only adult in charge, I would. Not so much as correction, but more like, "Mary, I notice you're using a lot of words that we consider inappropriate. Your mom's rule might be different from ours, but our rule is that we don't use those kinds of words." That SHOULD be enough to solve the problem. If it wasn't though, I wouldn't have a problem with stronger wording. If we were at a gathering where the mom was present, though, I would not, and I would discuss with my kids afterward in terms of "different families, different rules."

 

However, I did correct a young boy the other day at Sears when his mother (10 feet away) chose to ignore him as he tried peeking into the women's dressing rooms :glare:

 

ETA: Oh, I didn't notice the part about "darn" and "heck." I wouldn't have corrected those because I consider them to be simple exclamations. And I think they're generally acceptable enough that it would be awkward to correct the girl over it. F bombs and S-words and even the oft-debated "cr@p," yes. But not the milder versions.

Edited May 9, 2010 by melissel

[Rosy]

I have said things like "could you please not use that word around my kids?" Particularly with older boys when my son was 7 (and the boy's dad was present but not correcting him.) :glare:

[Angel]

I have no problem correcting others kids. If I am the only authority figure, then they are under my authority. I certainly don't let other kids run wild while under my care. Am I more lenient about some stuff that I personally might find offensive? Yes. But I don't let it get out of control at all. We don't use the words stupid, dummy, etc. around our house. I don't correct other kids for that unless it IS excessive, then I'll tell them just how horrible they sound. I would do the same for words that are gray area words such as darn, shoot, etc. I would have absolutely, positively spoken up if they were using real swear words. We don't do that and it's rude, especially coming from an 11yo. (well, that's my humble opinion;)).

 

The parents never have a problem. If I ever feel that I got after someone excessively, I usually tell the parent so they know what happened and why. I have had other parents come to me and tell me that they had corrected my dd's. I certainly wouldn't want another parent letting my kids get away with stuff.

 

Kids know who are the pushovers (even if this is their parents, especially if it's their parernts) and who are not. In my experience, they respect those who are not.

 

One of my best friends has a son who is ALL boy. His frequent phrase was "you are not the boss of me" :lol: He made the mistake of saying that to me once. His mom had said that I was the "boss of him" and I let him know in no uncertain terms that if she wasn't present that I would most certainly take care of his behavior. He never said that to me again. He also obeyed me more than most of the other adults and gave me lots of hugs because he knew I loved him enough to care about his behavior.

 

That was a long answer, but I guess that I get so annoyed with parents who have children who are let run willy nilly with no respect to anyone and others are afraid to correct bad behavior. Kids need love their bad behavior doesn't.

 

Where's that rant smiley :lol:

 

:rant:

[Laurie4b]

If it was a word commonly accepted as a swear word, I would have said something like, "Sweetheart, please don't use those words ." If what you meant was that she was using milder words like darn, then no, I wouldn't advise saying anything. It is a rule peculiar to your family and I would suggest breathing deeply instead. I think it would be really confusing to most kids to be corrected for those words.

[Lolly]

Sometimes I do. When they are breaking a basic rule of society, I probably would. When they are breaking what I know is pretty particular to my family, I do not. In the case of language, it would have to be extremely bad for me to say something, or the other child would have to be much older than mine in which case I could ask them not to speak that way around my dc without insulting them in any manner.

[Guest Amy in MS]

Also, if you are going to enforce these rules, you may wish to give the children some acceptable exclamations--if you have any.

 

The words "darn" and "drat" and "crud" and whatever else are commonly used for most people and a way of expressing emotions. Imagine how difficult it would be for you to go somewhere that has limitations on words that you use on a daily basis and that most people consider inoffensive.

 

Do you have any acceptable exclamations in your home that you use? Now, if you rely on those, imagine going to someone's home and them telling you that's unacceptable. You may really struggle to strike that word from your vocabulary because you use it on reflex--and you're an adult, and you use it in your house, and must just rid yourself of it only in that home. Now, imagine how difficult it would be for children.

 

However, you can do whatever you want in your house and make whatever rules you wish, but you also have to understand that in this situation; your requirements are quite unusual and it may be difficult for visiting children to meet them. It doesn't mean you can't make that rule, just that it may be unreasonable.

[OnTheBrink]

It depends. If it's a friend's kid and the friend isn't around to witness the infraction, I will. If the child is under my direct care (ie, in my car, in my house or under my direct authority) I will correct them. I won't correct a stranger's kid unless he's about to hurt himself or someone else.

 

In the situation of the OP, if a child is saying something that's making me cringe, I'll ask them to stop.

[Gooblink]

If it was a word commonly accepted as a swear word, I would have said something like, "Sweetheart, please don't use those words ." If what you meant was that she was using milder words like darn, then no, I wouldn't advise saying anything. It is a rule peculiar to your family and I would suggest breathing deeply instead. I think it would be really confusing to most kids to be corrected for those words.

 

:iagree: Up until 2 years ago my kids thought the "s" word was "stupid" and the "f" word was "fart" and neither was acceptable in our home (in addition to heck, darn, etc.). Then, we visited my family in MI for Thanksgiving and they heard every word imaginable and several that would make even a pirate blush. They were old enough to know those were not words to be used - EVER - but, it's kind of funny because whenever the boys confess to hearing someone using a "bad word" they always quickly add, "but nothing as bad as what we heard at Grandma's at Thanksgiving."

 

*sigh*

[mom31257]

If it is a child that I'm supervising, then more than likely it is someone I'm close to. I wouldn't have a problem telling the child that our family doesn't use those words and ask them to please not use those, but I wouldn't discipline them for it.

[Laurie4b]

:iagree: Up until 2 years ago my kids thought the "s" word was "stupid" and the "f" word was "fart" and neither was acceptable in our home (in addition to heck, darn, etc.). Then, we visited my family in MI for Thanksgiving and they heard every word imaginable and several that would make even a pirate blush. They were old enough to know those were not words to be used - EVER - but, it's kind of funny because whenever the boys confess to hearing someone using a "bad word" they always quickly add, "but nothing as bad as what we heard at Grandma's at Thanksgiving."

 

*sigh*

 

:lol::lol:

[babysparkler]

"we don't use exclamations like that in our family, please don't use them in my car."

Yes. This is what I do.

[ImAhomeSCHOOLmama]

All I can say is WOW. I would certainly talk to you dd and tell her how you would like her to handle it next (Susie, I would rather you didnt use those words when we are together because they are extremely dis respectful)

 

 

CERTAINLY you as the mother should contact the girls mother and talk with her. Maybe (I would hope) She doesnt know how her daughter talks

[ImAhomeSCHOOLmama]

Well, I don't consider darn, heck or other such words to be "swear words" and I think it would be confusing and unfair to other families if you labeled them as such. However, I think it's perfectly fine to say "we don't use exclamations like that in our family, please don't use them in my car."

 

 

Alot of families DO consider those words as swear words, even so she needs to contact the mother about the language used by an 11year old. So glad my kids are not in public school!

[Jan in SC]

It depends...do you mean that she was speaking crudely, using the typically thought of "s" word, "d" word, and worse? Or, was she using the darn, crud language, that while not attractive, more people recognize as appropriate vocabulary?

 

In the first case, I would have told her to improve her language, or ride in another car. If it was the latter, and it bothered me, I would have suggested that she expand her vocabulary to include more intelligent words. Then I would have provided her with some optional sayings.

[Mrs Mungo]

Alot of families DO consider those words as swear words, even so she needs to contact the mother about the language used by an 11year old. So glad my kids are not in public school!

 

I realize that some families do. If my kids said to me "Miss Jane told us not to use darn in her car, is it a bad word?" I would say "no, it's just a word. If she doesn't want you using that word while you are under her care, then you need to respect that." If Miss Jane approached me, gasping about my children's language, she would get a shrug and a "I'll talk to them about using those words around you." If Miss Jane thought I would be shocked and appalled, she would be wrong.

[Jan in SC]

Alot of families DO consider those words as swear words, even so she needs to contact the mother about the language used by an 11year old. So glad my kids are not in public school!

 

I'm unclear about your view. I can't find a mention of public school in the original post. Why would you bring this up?

 

Also, it is great if your family does not use these words. I would recommend mentioning this to any guests. It is better to not assume a child would know!

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm unclear about your view. I can't find a mention of public school in the original post. Why would you bring this up?

 

We know *many* kids who have never been in a public school classroom who use darn, heck, dagnabit and so forth.

[Jan in SC]

We know *many* kids who have never been in a public school classroom who use darn, heck, dagnabit and so forth.

 

Exactly! I was trying to point that out politely to someone else, but I'm really snarky, so..it's hard!

[Mrs Mungo]

Exactly! I was trying to point that out politely to someone else,

 

I know, I was just expanding upon your point. :D

 

but I'm really snarky, so..it's hard!

 

In "real life" I'm very jokey. That doesn't necessarily come across well in print, unfortunately. :tongue_smilie:

[NorthwestMom]

Also, if you are going to enforce these rules, you may wish to give the children some acceptable exclamations--if you have any.

 

The words "darn" and "drat" and "crud" and whatever else are commonly used for most people and a way of expressing emotions. Imagine how difficult it would be for you to go somewhere that has limitations on words that you use on a daily basis and that most people consider inoffensive.

 

Do you have any acceptable exclamations in your home that you use? Now, if you rely on those, imagine going to someone's home and them telling you that's unacceptable. You may really struggle to strike that word from your vocabulary because you use it on reflex--and you're an adult, and you use it in your house, and must just rid yourself of it only in that home. Now, imagine how difficult it would be for children.

 

However, you can do whatever you want in your house and make whatever rules you wish, but you also have to understand that in this situation; your requirements are quite unusual and it may be difficult for visiting children to meet them. It doesn't mean you can't make that rule, just that it may be unreasonable.

 

 

I totally agree with Amy.

 

 

I would expect my children to try to follow your rules in your presence but honestly... we would spend a lot less time in your presence, because you'd be micromanaging language that the vast majority of people in our culture find acceptable even for children. Clearly we would not be a friendship match if you find saying "darn" so offensive you feel like you have to correct it.

 

In the situation you described, I would tell the kids to keep their language positive.

Edited May 9, 2010 by NorthwestMom
to agree with Amy!

[NorthwestMom]

My homeschooled 5yo says both "****" and "hell", to my horror and embarrassment. Can't blame the public schools for that one.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would expect my children to try to follow your rules in your presence but honestly... we would spend a lot less time in your presence, because you'd be micromanaging language that the vast majority of people in our culture find acceptable even for children. Clearly we would not be a friendship match if you find saying "darn" so offensive you feel like you have to correct it.

 

I do have to agree with this. Not being mean, it's just a fact.

[Heather in Neverland]

To the original question...do I correct other people's kids? Sure, all the time! My family, friends and I have more of a "it takes a village" mentality. If I am the only adult you bet I will correct another child...even one I don't know (too many years working in schools?). If I am at a group function with family and friends we are all working to keep all the kids safe and on the staright and narrow. :D

[Guest Amy in MS]

I do have to agree with this. Not being mean, it's just a fact.

 

My thoughts exactly. Probably you wouldn't want to be around my family because we do say "darn" and "rats" sometimes, and we'd do you the service of not making it a problem by staying away :)

[Guest Amy in MS]

I would expect my children to try to follow your rules in your presence but honestly... we would spend a lot less time in your presence, because you'd be micromanaging language that the vast majority of people in our culture find acceptable even for children. Clearly we would not be a friendship match if you find saying "darn" so offensive you feel like you have to correct it.

 

In the situation you described, I would tell the kids to keep their language positive.

 

Hi, NWMom.

 

You posted this response to me. . . did you mean to? I think we pretty much agree on this issue.

 

I think the mom has the right to correct whatever she thinks is wrong, certainly, but I'd probably do her the favor of not having my children around their family very much :)

[NorthwestMom]

Sorry, Amy, I was trying to quote you because I agreed with what you said. I'm not skilled at the quote thing, sorry for any confusion.

:)

[Danestress]

It would never occur to me that I couldn't ask a kid not to use language I consider offensive in my car. I am part of a carpool and I have had to tell the girls that they can't put down other kids who are not present in my car. My car, my standards. Edited to add that they also can't put down kids who are in the car, lol, but we haven't had that. I've just had a problem with these girls wanting to use the drive time to make mean comments about other kids they know.

 

I also would have no problem whatsoever with someone imposing their rules on my kids when they are driving, even if we don't have that rule. My kids can learn to cope with various sets of expectations.

Edited May 9, 2010 by Danestress

[Guest Amy in MS]

Not at all, NW ;)

[Mrs Mungo]

It would never occur to me that I couldn't ask a kid not to use language I consider offensive in my car. I am part of a carpool and I have had to tell the girls that they can't put down other kids who are not present in my car. My car, my standards.

 

I also would have no problem whatsoever with someone imposing their rules on my kids when they are driving, even if we don't have that rule. My kids can learn to cope with various sets of expectations.

 

I don't think anyone is disagreeing with that.

 

I would disagree with telling a kid who said "heck" that they are not allowed to swear. I think it is confusing for the kids and doesn't make it clear that those are *your* standards, not societal standards, kwim?

[NanceXToo]

Yeah in a situation like that, I'd have just said something like "Hey, keep the language clean in my car/house please."

 

But I would not have said it for things like darn or heck, those are not swear words to me.

[melissel]

My homeschooled 5yo says both "****" and "hell", to my horror and embarrassment. Can't blame the public schools for that one.

 

My DD4 has recently surprised me "D@mm!t!" and "What the h*ll are you looking for?!"...both in the grocery store, and both used correctly!!! :001_huh: I have no idea where she got them, because I'm generally very careful not to use that kind of language in front of them. I'm thinking about in-laws, who are not careful about what they say in front of children, but I have no proof :lol:

 

ETA: Oh, she IS in preschool though, that never occurred to me :lol: Ah well, I'm handling it!

[phathui5]

We know *many* kids who have never been in a public school classroom who use darn, heck, dagnabit and so forth.

 

Like my 6 year old, who doesn't say bad words often, but LOVES to do it.

[StartingOver]

My house, my car, my event, my rules !

[rwjx2khsmj]

I would have told her that we don't use those words in our house and asked her to choose a different word or to be silent. If a child is in my car/house, they follow my rules.

[Ravin]

I'd say, "My car, my house, my rules." I'd of course be nice about it. That said, I don't even correct DD when actual swear words come out of her mouth, assuming they were justified, used in appropriate context, and not directed at a person (if it was over a game, I'd probably tell her to calm down or stop playing; over a stubbed toe, I'd totally let it slide). Of course, she usually uses her own made-up words ("prax" is her favorite). She knows there are words not appropriate at her enrichment program, friends' houses, or grandparents', and if she was riding in your car, I'd expect her to find another way to express herself.

[BikeBookBread]

"Honey, we don't use that word in our home..." is how I would address the girl.

 

I just corrected our (99% of the time) 7 year old unsupervised neighbor boy today for being a bully to a little girl whom we had never met before, who was riding her little toy car in front of our home. He mouthed, "you're not my Mommy", and I said out loud, "you're right, but you WILL stop being a bully to this little girl."

[susankenny]

If the parent is not around, than yes, I would correct their child. However, in the given situation described by the OP, I would not discipline them. It's an opportunity for me to review our family values with my own children, but I would not correct an 11 year old for saying heck or darn. Especially in the context it was used. as this little girl was playing a video game & simply talking to it aloud. She wasn't being sassy to you or being confrontational to another child (i.e. What the heck is wrong with you!!). If it truly bothers you, it should be discussed with the parent & not the child. This is my opinion & how I would handle it.

 

Susan

[susankenny]

...if it was over a game, I'd probably tell her to calm down or stop playing

 

Yes, in my house this is how we handle video games. I have 2 little boys that play here & they can become very upset when they're losing on the Wii. And although they aren't saying "heck" or "darn", I intervene when they are having poor attitudes. I'll let them know the game is for fun & we should find something else to do if we are going to get that angry. I really believe addressing attitude over language is a better approach.

 

Susan

[tricia]

Absolutely NOT do I correct other people's children. We are living in a day where people thing they are so high and mighty and perfect that correcting their child is like a crime being committed.

[lionfamily1999]

In the situation you described, yes. The child's in my car, under my guidance, and that's something I don't stand for.

 

Dd's friends are reaching this age. While I'd like to say my response would've been, "We don't use that sort of language, thank you." In reality my most recent reponses to this were, "Put a lid on it," and "Can it."

[IsabelC]

Do I 'correct' other people's kids? Depends on time, place, relationship and behavior.

 

At their house, or out in public, I might offer a polite and gentle suggestion but I would do no more, unless I was certain that the parent was comfortable with it. Except if I can see that a child is going to get injured, when I will intervene wherever we are.

 

But at my house, I can set rules, and I will intervene if a kid isn't making a reasonable attempt to co-operate with our guidelines. (Eg my 4yo's friend was spitting his food out on the table, not choking or anything like that, just spitting it out for fun. I told him that wasn't acceptable, and then removed the food when he continued to spit it.)

 

 

I would see your car as an extension of your home, and as such, I believe you have the right to set boundaries for behavior of all people on your turf, so to speak. You could respectfully explain to the girl that you and your family don't like to hear coarse language, and it's not to be used in your car (I'm assuming that, at 11, this child would be aware of what words you are referring to - if not you might have to be specific). She might need some reminders if she isn't used to moderating her language, but if she doesn't respond to you requests you could take it up with her parents. (If the issue is important to you, you may need to be prepared to disallow her from being in your car if necessary. Or you might find you're OK with a compromise, eg you can live with the odd "darn" as long as she doesn't hit you with sh#$ and f#$%).

 

I think that most parents (and older children) would see that the above is a fair response. Personally, I am against the idea of taboo words. My kids are allowed to say any word they like at home within the family. (They are not allowed to insult or hurt people, but that is a different issue. Eg it would be permissible around here to stub your toe and say "OH %#$#!!" but it's not OK to call your sibling "you little %#$#!!") However, we still try to teach them not to disrespect others or upset people unnecessarily, and they are aware that some words are best avoided when certain people are around (You will notice that I have bleeped my post so as not to offend you). So I would have no problem with another parent enforcing polite language in their home. (Not that my kids actually say anything objectionable; I think because we don't swear at them, they haven't really picked it up as yet.)

Edited May 10, 2010 by Hotdrink

[Purpledaizy]

I'd say, "My car, my house, my rules." I'd of course be nice about it. That said, I don't even correct DD when actual swear words come out of her mouth, assuming they were justified, used in appropriate context, and not directed at a person (if it was over a game, I'd probably tell her to calm down or stop playing; over a stubbed toe, I'd totally let it slide). Of course, she usually uses her own made-up words ("prax" is her favorite). She knows there are words not appropriate at her enrichment program, friends' houses, or grandparents', and if she was riding in your car, I'd expect her to find another way to express herself.

 

:iagree:

 

Just a warning to the OP, five minutes in my home would leave you in apoplexy. Ravin: our families sound similar :001_smile:. Excluding the F-bomb, I have no problem with our children using exclamations and intensifiers appropriately. ds, also has his own swear word, 'pickles.' He's been known to say, "man, its pickling cold out here." He, too, is also very aware of the time and place where certain words, and even our "at home dialect," are inappropriate.

 

More to the topic, yes, I do correct other children if their parent(s) aren't around, or I'll speak to the parent to make them aware of behavior that should be addressed. At a movie recently, a group of about 5 girls (good kids) were on their own and loudly joking around after the movie started; an evenly toned "ladies, its time to quiet down now" was all that was necessary.

 

ETA: I'm new here and glad to find such a respectful place to discuss topics like this :thumbup1:

Edited May 10, 2010 by Purpledaizy

[creekland]

Yes, in our house or with us we have certain rules. We politely inform the kids of these rules (if they break them) - and usually why. If they can't abide by our rules, then they do not come over or with us. It might take a reminder or two, but we've never had a youngster that wouldn't conform.

 

What they do in their own house or elsewhere is up to them.

[Parrothead]

I correct other people's children that are in my home (or vehicle) even if their parents are standing right beside me. Otherwise they do not know my house rules. "I'm sorry, So-and-so, I have a rule that those words/actions are not allowed in my house. Please don't say/do that again or I'll have to ask you to call your mom to come get you."

[StephanieZ]

I'd probably say something if it was a recurring problem, and involved "real" swear words that (most) folks agree is a swear word.

 

If it was a one-off thing, or a stubbed toe, or whatever, I'd ignore it. If I heard it more than once in 30 min or so. . . then I'd make eye contact, raise an eyebrow. . . If that wasn't enough, then I'd smile and say something along the lines of "Sweetheart, can you please not use that language here?"

 

If it was language that was borderline, I'd ignore it, for sure. I do NOT see it as my job to impose my "family rules" on other people. I see it as my job to teach my kids to respect others and be tolerant of variety in life.

 

Some families are strict about using God's name, some about other things. In Utah, folks were so careful about using God's name. . . "Oh my God!" was a no-no. . . .But "Oh my Heck" was pretty much the good-LDS-folks motto, lol.

 

I know at least one family doesn't like "Oh my God!" and so I try to avoid it & similar phrases in their presence, but it is really hard. I teach my kids that it is respectful to choose inoffensive language. . . and to do our best to show respect by doing that, depending on whose presence we share. . .

FWIW, I don't hesitate to stop violence, bullying, teasing, and other anti-social behavior whenever I stumble upon it, especially if the parents are not around.

[Impish]

My house/car, my rules.

 

That being said, the kids that I allow Diva to hang out with are parented very similar to her, so I don't see it being an issue.

 

When we were trying to have the neighbour girl over, thinking that some of her behaviours would improve if she had some support, attention, etc (her parents work nights and completely ignore her), then yes, I absolutely had rules, she knew about them, and they were enforced.

[vonfirmath]

If the parent is not around, than yes, I would correct their child. However, in the given situation described by the OP, I would not discipline them. It's an opportunity for me to review our family values with my own children, but I would not correct an 11 year old for saying heck or darn. Especially in the context it was used. as this little girl was playing a video game & simply talking to it aloud. She wasn't being sassy to you or being confrontational to another child (i.e. What the heck is wrong with you!!). If it truly bothers you, it should be discussed with the parent & not the child. This is my opinion & how I would handle it.

 

Susan

 

I know adults who are always swearing at their video games when they are playing -- and whether the word is the actual swear word or the "more inoffensive" replacement, I find it makes me not want to be around them when playing.

 

If a child in my car could not refrain from that behavior when playing video games -- we'd find something different to do. There is something really wrong when you are getting that worked up, that often, over a game. And it is time to put some separation between you.

 

I have played video games in the past -- for hours and hours on end, and have NO need to make ejaculations of any sort every 90 seconds. Even if I'm losing. it's a game, nothing more.