Church issues/discouraged

[iluvmy4blessings]

For those of you who go to church and feel like giving me feedback I would appreciate it.

 

I am a single mom of 4 children. I have belonged to the same church for the past 3.5 years. We joined it about 2 weeks after my husband walked out. Since I don't live near family, I was attracted to this church because of its somewhat small size (about 300 max in the congregation) and the fact that they really pushed the idea of a "church family". That is the theme of over half the sermons and it is about being a family and supporting one another. I felt this was a good fit for me since I really don't have anyone in the area. I really wanted to believe that I could find a church where if I found myself in a bad situation (stranded on the side of the road etc.) that I could have someone to call on for help. I decided I would volunteer as much as I possibly could so that they would see that I was genuinely trying to contribute. I also determined to never ask for anything no matter what so that when the time came that I did need something, I would not feel too horrible for having to ask. For someone completely alone, this whole idea of a "church family" is very appealing. I am a Christian and of course I go to church to build my faith and learn and honor God. However I was hoping this church would be like a family to me as well. For the past 3.5 years I have volunteered in the nursery working at least 2 Sundays per month for 4 hours each time. Through Sunday School and Church. I have been on the hospitality ministry to take food to the sick and the shut ins. I coordinated the meals for two years for a sick member who had a disease that she eventually did die from. I could go on but I am not trying to sound like I think I'm so great. I DO NOT. I really don't. It's just that I believed I was answering the call and contributing to my family believing that one day if I needed something they would be there for me. Considering over half of hte sermons I have heard are about us being a family I just felt like this was the case. In the entire time I have been there I have never one single time asked for anything. I've never asked for money or help with bills. I have never asked anyone to watch my children NOTHING. During that time I've had my car break down on me and had to go a week or two without a car b/c I could not afford to fix it. I've had 1 dollar left until payday and had to scrape by. However I never ask for anything and I don't even expect anything. I don't even tell half of what I'm going through b/c I don't want to bother anyone.

 

So a week ago my 1997 car broke down and died for the last time. It needs a new engine so that was it. I called the church and told them the situation becuase I would most likely not be able to do the nursery if I could not get there the following Sunday. A week went by. During that time we were unable to get to church that Sunday or Wednesday. No one called and asked if I needed a ride. If I was Ok. If I needed anything. Like maybe a gallon of milk and I coudl pay them back? NOTHING. I called and told the Children's Pastor I woudl be unable to do the nursery since I had no car and clearly had no way to get there. They had not seen me either Sunday or Wednesday so figured they knew that. Anyway, he told me that he woudl come and get me so I could work the nursery. Well I was a bit hurt that no one bothered to offer us a ride to church until they realized I could not work the nursery. So I told him that I did not feel I could do the nursery b/c I was under too much stress trying to deal with everything else. Now in all honesty I think I was just hurt and did not want to help him out b/c in 3.5 years no one has ever called to check on me and see if I need anything. I asked someone one Christmas to come get the Christmas ornaments down off the very high shelf that my ex had placed them on and no one came. I had to call three times before someone finally came and did it. Maybe I am expeting too much. The truth is I cannot get on a ladder to do it and I cannot afford to go buy new Christmas ornaments so they waited until one week before Christmas to do it. We did not get our tree up until one week before hand and I was afriad it might not get up at all. I made sure to put it all back on a low shelf since asking someone to come do it for me ( I live 2 miles from the church) appeared to be too much to ask.

 

Anyway, the Children's pastor told me that regardless of whether I wanted to take off the nursery this week it did not matter. He said that I WOULD work this week and not only that I WOULD work next week as well. That if I wanted to take a break from the nursery I would have to give him one months notice.

 

Well first of all he has been scheduling me to work EVERY SUnday for the past two months and work through both Sunday School and CHurch. I have not even been inside the sanctuary in two months because I am always in the nursery. Then the one time I ask for a day off b/c I have no transportation he tells me that not only will I be working thi Sunday but I will be there next week as well. I was pretty offended by all this. Then in a conversation with another Pastor, I was asked..."What is the problem? Why can't you work the nursery? It can't be that stressful"

 

In the 3.5 years I have been there I have genuinely tried my best to be a contributing memeber of the church. Yet I feel like no one really cares about me there. To be honest, I wonder if this is the way it is at all churches? I thought at a small church that I would have more of a chance at people actually caring at being like a "church family" but now I am questioning if the concept even exists in the real world. I am beginning to think I shoudl just go to one of the mega churches that offers a million different acitiviteis. If I am going to just be an invisible face in the crowd then I might as well go anywhere. I am discouraged. If anyone has advice I would love to hear it.

[Ibbygirl]

OUCH! I'm totally speechless. There is no way that this guy can force you to show up for a voluntary position. That really stinks. I'm so sorry this happened to you. To answer your question. No this is not the way it is in all churches. My church for example has a huge benevolence ministry. They even have a special ministry to the homeless where they bring church (and clothing, food, hair cuts etc) to them. We have a thrift store that people donate their used items to but if a person comes in and needs something and they can't pay for it they give it to them free of charge. We even have a single mom's auto clinic specifically for people in your situation because they know how difficult it is for single moms. They bring groceries to families in need etc etc So no. Not all churches are this way. Not at all. I'm so sorry you had a bad experience. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Two things hit me.

 

Quite often churches as an organization seem to think of needs in pretty narrow ways like food provision for death, severe illness which requires hospitalization and new babies. They often do not know how to handle a request for something like getting down decorations from a high shelf. Hopefully in 3.5 years in a church I would have cultivated some personal friendships with fellow believers. Those are the people that I would call for transportation, help with the decorations etc. I think the church office might be a bit surprised that you would not turn to friends within the church for that kind of help.

 

The second thing is that I think the pastor seemed a bit brusque. But I do understand that he probably thinks of the nursery duty as a commitment and a job. A volunteer job, but a job nonetheless. That is why he would want notice. The fact that he told you that you "would" do something would bring out my most mulish side.

[KnitWit]

I'm sorry. :( I think the Children's Pastor is way out of line.

 

I'm also appalled that noone has offered you assistance. :( On the other hand, most people don't assume to know another's business. Perhaps you SHOULD honestly present your situation and seek help. I DO think people need to pay more attention to the needs of those around them. But ALSO, it usually DOESN'T happen that way, so I bet if you spoke up and said exactly what you need, SOMEONE would step up. Surely. I would HOPE.

 

I understand your feeling used. Who wouldn't? Do you have elders? I'd speak to an elder...or my pastor.

 

I'm really trying to refrain from telling you that I would tell the Children's Pastor that the only thing he will pick up and take to the nursery is my cold, dead body. Oops! Did I say that? Guess it leaked.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

edited because I was overly harsh toward those people in your church....

 

I would consider looking for another church. Not that they'll be perfect, but maybe another church wouldn't treat you like the (unpaid) help.

 

I'm angry for you about the nursery thing.

Edited March 29, 2010 by Dulcimeramy

[dansamy]

This is both a flock and pastoral issue. If the pastor isn't walking what he talks, neither will the congregation. And if the pastor walks his talk, but fails to shepherd, lovingly, the flock he tends, he is still the most responsible party. And of course, the flock itself has issues if they are unwilling to provide for the fatherless. I know you aren't widowed and the children's father is living, but he abandoned his family. For all intents and purposes with regards to the church, it is their Christian duty to provide aid to your family. I don't mean leeching from the church. But aid when and where needed. Which also means sometimes you need to tell people what kind of help you need.

 

I'd be very hurt by this. I would talk about your feelings with your pastor and if he is unconcerned, I'd find another shepherd.

[Pink Fairy]

I'm so sorry this happened to you! In your circumstances, especially when you were looking for a church family that could be supportive in a practical way, this is a major disappointment. I would feel the same way.

 

As Christians we are called to serve one another, but it doesn't always happen like it should. :grouphug: If you can charitably share why you are hurt, and what you need from the church community right now, perhaps you can help him to understand that it's not enough to just preach the gospel if you aren't living it. Saying the church is a family is fine, but it doesn't mean a thing if they don't follow it up with action.

[Ibbygirl]

I'm so sorry this happened to you! In your circumstances, especially when you were looking for a church family that could be supportive in a practical way, this is a major disappointment. I would feel the same way.

 

As Christians we are called to serve one another, but it doesn't always happen like it should. :grouphug: If you can charitably share why you are hurt, and what you need from the church community right now, perhaps you can help him to understand that it's not enough to just preach the gospel if you aren't living it. Saying the church is a family is fine, but it doesn't mean a thing if they don't follow it up with action.

 

You put everything so eloquently!! I couldn't agree more! :iagree::iagree:

[Cammie]

Ok, a pastor's daughter talking here...

 

The pastors have been TOTALLY out of line. There is no excuse.

 

You have been taken advantage of, it seems to me. It is not right to expect an adult to be in the nursery each and every Sunday (unless they want to be there.) There should be provisions made so you can still attend services as often as you would like. Of course you don't have to give a month's notice - it is a church for crying out loud.

 

I think your expectations may have been a little...too hopeful. For example, getting the Xmas decorations down. I think my family would have helped but found it odd that someone expected that to be part of the church's responsibilities. Like a pp said, churches tend to focus on the big needs - helping people facing death and illness, facing relationship crisis, etc.

 

I also feel perhaps you would have been better off focusing on creating personal relationships, friendships, with people in the church instead of focusing on the church family. If you had close friends in the church I am sure they would be happy to help (as they would help any friend) with rides, etc.

 

Don't give up on all churches but I would definately find one with a leadership that was kinder, more caring, less harsh.

 

:grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

Hm. There are a lot of good thoughts in this thread.

 

I agree with Jean that I think it is expected that you will foster relationships that will lead to a familial dependence upon each other. It's not so much a matter of depositing time into a bank and finally getting some back. BUT, my world is the military.

 

We have to foster those personal relationships and help one another. I've put in an insane amount of volunteer hours. But, in meeting people in those volunteer jobs, in church, in the homeschool community, in my neighborhood I'm not just serving them, I'm creating a relationship with them, a relationship that is interdependent. So, when they need me to pick up their dd from a class because they have a doctor's appointment, I can. When we were moving from our last duty station and my hubby was still overseas, I had to sell my house. Several people came over at various times to help me with various needs. I didn't call my church office, I didn't call my family readiness group. I called my friends from church and the community. Do you think maybe that's the type of familial relationship that is expected?

 

Maybe hidden away in the nursery or delivering food to shut-ins, while valuable and noble, aren't the things that are serving your need for relationships?

 

All of that said, I do agree with those who think when the church is directly presented with a need from a hard worker and faithful church member that the church should rise to the challenge. My church has an email loop. They put out things like "so-and-so just had surgery and needs a recliner" or "such-and-such's car broke down and needs to borrow one for a week." Maybe this would be something good for your church?

 

But, if you aren't *connecting* with these people and you feel they are just using you, then I agree with those who said it's time to find a new church.

 

Such a complicated issue! I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt and I know many of the mama bears on this forum would love to go tell your pastor what for. :grouphug:

Edited March 29, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[OnTheBrink]

I'd find another church. It sounds like yours is trying to convince everyone how "church family" they are without being able to back it up. Sorta like someone making a point to tell everyone how modest or humble they are.

 

As for the pastor informing you that you'll be there? I'd go off the deep end. You'd already told him you were having car issues. Was he going to come and pick you up so you COULD be there? Ugh, what a JERK.

 

Not all churches are like that. I've had a few times over the past 11 years at my church when I needed to borrow a car. My pastor either let me borrow the church van or connected me with someone in church who had extra vehicles. The deacons have helped me move, joyfully. I've had people help me work on my van, change a tire, bring me food, shelter me when my EX was being violent, etc. I don't say this in a "nanny nanny boo boo my church is better" way; I'm telling you this to show you that there ARE churches that walk the talk. If you can't depend on your church family, who can you depend on?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very disappointing and hurtful. If it were me, I'd try to find a church that is truly a family, not just one in theory. :grouphug:

[amydavis]

Hm. There are a lot of good thoughts in this thread.

 

I agree with Jean that I think it is expected that you will foster relationships that will lead to a familial dependence upon each other. It's not so much a matter of depositing time into a bank and finally getting some back. BUT, my world is the military.

 

We have to foster those personal relationships and help one another. I've put in an insane amount of volunteer hours. But, in meeting people in those volunteer jobs, in church, in the homeschool community, in my neighborhood I'm not just serving them, I'm creating a relationship with them, a relationship that is interdependent. So, when they need me to pick up their dd from a class because they have a doctor's appointment, I can. When we were moving from our last duty station and my hubby was still overseas, I had to sell my house. Several people came over at various times to help me with various needs. I didn't call my church office. I called my friends from church. Do you think maybe that's the type of familial relationship that is expected?

 

Maybe hidden away in the nursery or delivering food to shut-ins, while valuable and noble, aren't the things that are serving your need for relationships?

 

All of that said, I do agree with those who think when the church is directly presented with a need from a hard worker and faithful church member that the church should rise to the challenge. My church has an email loop. They put out things like "so-and-so just had surgery and needs a recliner" or "such-and-such's car broke down and needs to borrow one for a week." Maybe this would be something good for your church?

 

But, if you aren't *connecting* with these people and you feel they are just using you, then I agree with those who said it's time to find a new church.

 

Such a complicated issue! I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt and I know many of the mama bears on this forum would love to go tell your pastor what for. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

I agree with Mrs. Mungo. My only other thought is that after reading what the youth pastor said to you, I was shocked. I kept going back and rereading, trying to see if I missed some vital part where you told us that you were paid staff. I simply cannot believe that he had the audacity to speak to a volunteer that way! Wow...just wow...

All I can really do is offer you hugs. I hope you find a solution. :grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

My only other thought is that after reading what the youth pastor said to you, I was shocked.

 

Oh, I agree with that. I would talk to the pastor about how he spoke to you and how much it upset you. While a month's notice would be nice for volunteers who are ready to give up a position, I don't think your change in situation requires notice and they should have back-up scheduled. What if you or your kids were sick? It's just absurd! Humph!

[amydavis]

Oh, I agree with that. I would talk to the pastor about how he spoke to you and how much it upset you. While a month's notice would be nice for volunteers who are ready to give up a position, I don't think your change in situation requires notice and they should have back-up scheduled. What if you or your kids were sick? It's just absurd! Humph!

 

:iagree:

What she said! Double Humph!

[Ibbygirl]

:iagree:

What she said! Double Humph!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Triple!! Humph!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I am so totally speechless right now! I had the best church family in Michigan (we STILL talk after 2 1/2 years in a new state) and I have the best church family in our new state.

 

PLEASE look for a new church family. Personally that to me sounds like a large Church. The best churches I have found were small (REALLY small) The church we went to in Mi had maybe 25 families and the church we go to now has about the same (although our town had a whopping 3000ppl) :grouphug: NO not all churches are like that.

 

I do suggest you go to church leadership humbly and talk with them about why you are looking for a new church family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Oh, I agree with that. I would talk to the pastor about how he spoke to you and how much it upset you. While a month's notice would be nice for volunteers who are ready to give up a position, I don't think your change in situation requires notice and they should have back-up scheduled. What if you or your kids were sick? It's just absurd! Humph!

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: HUMPH X4!!!!

[Guest janainaz]

When a church is run like a business you get treated like an employee.

 

Imagine the weight of your burden if the hearts of these people were actually turned in the right direction. I believe that there are good and willing hearts that desire to help. But many churches keep the eyes of its body on the institution itself. They want it running like a well-oiled machine and people have become distracted with so much busyness that they are not connecting properly and not in tune with the needs of others sitting right next to them. You should not have to scream out, "I need help!" The body is meant to know each other and to be one. It should be natural.

 

I imagine there are good churches out there somewhere because I believe in the goodness of people, but the church business needs to get out of the way of the love. You may give up on this church, but don't give up on people.

[tex-mex]

Ok, a pastor's daughter talking here...

 

The pastors have been TOTALLY out of line. There is no excuse.

 

You have been taken advantage of, it seems to me. It is not right to expect an adult to be in the nursery each and every Sunday (unless they want to be there.) There should be provisions made so you can still attend services as often as you would like. Of course you don't have to give a month's notice - it is a church for crying out loud.

 

I think your expectations may have been a little...too hopeful. For example, getting the Xmas decorations down. I think my family would have helped but found it odd that someone expected that to be part of the church's responsibilities. Like a pp said, churches tend to focus on the big needs - helping people facing death and illness, facing relationship crisis, etc.

 

I also feel perhaps you would have been better off focusing on creating personal relationships, friendships, with people in the church instead of focusing on the church family. If you had close friends in the church I am sure they would be happy to help (as they would help any friend) with rides, etc.

 

Don't give up on all churches but I would definately find one with a leadership that was kinder, more caring, less harsh.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree: As a former Associate Pastor's wife, we are stretched thin and never have time for our own family if the congregation thinks we are at their beck and call. Forgive me, but the Christmas ornament expectation should have been dealt with a neighbor and not the church, IMO. Your Pastor was very rude to expect you to keep working. Having been in the trenches with Sunday School and Nursery... honestly, no one wants to work those jobs. And finding someone is close to a miracle in a small congregation.

 

 

I am so sorry to hear you were treated that way. :grouphug: Large churches will not be the answer -- perhaps a smaller group like a bible study, homechurch or support group? We now attend a homechurch and it is like a family... there have been times where we all drop what we are doing and help one another. But it is small group of 30-40 people. :confused:

Edited March 29, 2010 by tex-mex

[dansamy]

Our church uses what they call "care groups". They meet once a month, and they are divided by where people live. That way you can make connections with the people in the church who live nearest to you and can help you out in a pinch.

[Sputterduck]

I think fostering personal relationships in the church would get you more of what you want. However, I used to volunteer in a church full time and if a single mother called for help with getting ornaments down, we'd have Loved to help. We would have sent someone right over. It was a wonderful place. :)

 

Every church has super volunteers who are always there and helping out. I think people tend to see them as people with everything together and wouldn't consider that they might need help because, after all, their lives are so pulled together that they have so much left over that they can give, give, give all the time. They may see you that way. If you have it all together, why would they think to call and check on you?

 

I'd say talk to the head pastor. Do you know him well after all this time? He is clearly into building a church family. He ought to know what's going on in his flock. Although... perhaps he preaches on that all the time because that is what your church lacks?

 

Whether you change churches or not, try to focus on personal relationships. Are there any Bible studies you can join in on? I met many dear people that I'll always love at small Bible studies or at "Life Groups".

[Mrs Mungo]

One more thing-we attended a megachurch the last place we lived. There were many small groups, Bible studies, cell groups and so forth. I really loved it because there were more people and interests to choose from. If you didn't click with people in one group, then you could try another. Sometimes small churches form a sort of tight circle that is hard to break into on a deeper level.

[Ibbygirl]

One more thing-we attended a megachurch the last place we lived. There were many small groups, Bible studies, cell groups and so forth. I really loved it because there were more people and interests to choose from. If you didn't click with people in one group, then you could try another. Sometimes small churches form a sort of tight circle that is hard to break into on a deeper level.

 

:iagree::iagree: My church is big too and there is always so much going on. You really do find your pockets of interest and cultivate relationships there. I have a Bible study group that I've been going to for years and all of the ladies are like family to me. The people I serve with in the Middle School ministry are close too. We also meet for Bible studies and it's great to share one another's burdens. It can definitely be had in a big church too you just have to get connected in order for it to become small. :)

[MyThreeSons]

I also feel perhaps you would have been better off focusing on creating personal relationships, friendships, with people in the church instead of focusing on the church family. If you had close friends in the church I am sure they would be happy to help (as they would help any friend) with rides, etc.

 

 

 

But if she's in the nursery all the time, this is very hard to do. She has to be in there before the service, during the service, and after the service. She may meet a lot of people, but won't be able to have real conversations.

[angela in ohio]

All the other issues aside, the big problem here is that they are scheduling you for nursery to the point where you are unable to worship the Lord on Sunday - every Sunday. That is wrong. It may just be a rogue nursery coordinator, or it may be that the church is not concerned with your relationship with God. You should find out which by talking to church leadership, if possible.

 

I can really relate to your situation. I will be praying for you.

[4kids4me]

When a church is run like a business you get treated like an employee...I imagine there are good churches out there somewhere because I believe in the goodness of people, but the church business needs to get out of the way of the love. You may give up on this church, but don't give up on people.

 

Unfortunately, the church as we see it today is an institution, not the body of Christ. We ARE the church, not the institution itself. Because there is an institution involved, it has to be a business and it has to protect its own interests first and foremost. I loved the book So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore for this very reason (instead of buying the book, you could go to the author's website and peruse the free articles or listen to his podcasts: http://www.lifestream.org/). It's done in a fiction format, which makes it all the more interesting.

 

If you want to stay in the institution, I think that the only way to help the pastor understand where you're at in life is not only explain it to him, but help with a solution. Nix serving in the nursery...you can serve out of where you're at in life. You better than anyone know what single parents need! Work alongside the pastor to develop a care group for those in the church that might have needs such as yourself. The possibilities are endless! As a single mom you're used to making lemonade out of lemons (my mom was a single mom and we started at church when I was 12, so I understand where you're coming from), so talk to the Lord and see how he wants you to make the best lemonade in your town. :)

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry he was rude to you. Please know he's human, too. Give him a chance to say he's sorry, and give him the opportunity to really listen to you.

Schedule a meeting with him, and tell him everything that you've said here.

 

 

I agree that he may be preaching on being a family because that's what his congregation needs to hear. I know my husband doesn't use a lot of his precious Episcopal 12.5 minute long sermon to tell people they are doing everything right; he's encouraging, but he also is challenging.

 

 

I also agree with Mrs. Mungo--you don't make deposits in the church account in order to be able to withdraw later. That's almost using the church, instead of serving out of a deep desire to serve; you seem to be serving so that you will be deemed worthy of being served when it's your turn.

 

It's a free gift--love, kindness, relationship. It is not supposed to be earned that way. For sure, there's something wrong with the whole dynamic there--and I'm sorry to say, on your part, too.

 

You can't expect people to anticipate your needs--so I'm glad you spoke up when you needed something. But you are not being "real" with these folks, and that can hinder the closeness they feel to you.

 

So here's my advice--

1. Meet with the clergy, and lay it out before him, like I said in the first paragraph. If he's ok and not a jerk, he will see what you are about, and hopefully apologize, and you can start over from a place of transparency. If he continues being so rude, go somewhere else.

 

2. Take responsibility for your own schedule. Make sure you don't let them scheducle you for nursery duties so often! Tell them your availability, check your schedule they send you and change it before it becomes a problem. Don't let them take advantage of you and then complain about it later. Make sure you have time for worship yourself.

 

3. Cultivate relationships within the church by being who you are--you are not to worry about burdening them--if you don't share, you are not giving them the opportunity to "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." Listen to their hearts, also--no facades.

 

4. Know that I say all of this to help--disregard if it isn't helpful!

[mom4him]

:grouphug: I am so sorry. Churches are the hardest places!

My dc and I are no longer a part of a church that was big on 'being a family' from the pulpit but also VERY big on not 'babying people'. I had gone there almost 25 yrs and had been a very active part of the church. When my ds and I both got to where we could no longer tolerate the strong chemicals their we stayed home for two years communicating with some of the leadership via email but we NEVER received a visit or phone call from any of them. I did receive much criticism from a couple as the problem was I wasn't disciplining our ds correctly rather than the chemicals and my health concerns were pretty much just emotional. GRRRRRRR! The senior pastor finally made a visit to our home to tell me that we were free to find a different church as he was not going to help us any more that he has(which was next to non).

 

I am saying that to say find a church that practices it instead of preaching it. We have and it has been very refreshing! We still have some problems with the chemicals at the new church but nothing like at the other and the pastor and leader ship genuinely care in this church. Oh, by the way it is the Word that is taught and preached here not a social community. It has been wonderful.

[Pippen]

Personally I'd probably be uncomfortable in a church where the messages didn't reflect more balance over 3+ years of attending. I'd also be church hunting if I was told that I WOULD be serving. The fastest way to change Christian service into just another job is to pressure a member into doing a task. If anything, as a single mom to four young children, IMO the church should be looking to give you a respite on Sunday mornings from your children.

 

I do agree with the others that the best ways to get individual needs met is to become part of a smaller group within the church. Also, take a look at how the church communicates needs like yours to its members because maybe you could suggest some improvements there. Our church has formal ministries for areas like meal deliveries, but the secretary sends out emails to let the congregation know about general needs such as rides and help at home.

[Brigitte]

Let me preface this by saying I have not read all the responses to your post. My personal take on this is that no one seems to be practicing what is being preached every Sunday. On top of that, you have not developed a relatively close relationship with any of the parishioners in the 3+ years you have attended. I think it is time to look for another church. Those kinds of relationships cannot be taught, they just happen and are part of the culture of the parish. We came here less than 2 years ago and were so genuinely welcomed to the parish (another family was even assigned to us to make sure we felt comfortable). By now, I have some very close friends through the chuch and there are about 20 other people/families that I would feel perfectly comfortable asking for help like you are looking for. It just happened naturally.

 

I hope and pray that you are able to find a place where you can achieve the same.

[texasmama]

(((hug))) It sounds like you are in the wrong church for you. :( That said, all churches or people who are Christians will fail you at some point. I also know that churches often do not see the people who are functioning well and soldiering on in spite of hard circumstances as in need. You have to ask specifically for help (though you did with the ornaments, it sounds like). When my mother had brain surgery several years ago, we were small group leaders in the church and had several leaders above us who were supposed to be caring for us. No one called or offered any help. We called the church to set up a meeting with the upper leaders to express our hurt. At that point, the leaders directly above us realized they had hurt us and came over, brought dinner and apologized. They had some things going on in their own lives which distracted them. Biological family will hurt and offend you and so will the family of God. That said, I would have to find somewhere else to worship, I think. I would let the pastor know of your experience now, though, so they realize there are holes in their car of members.

Edited March 29, 2010 by texasmama
fixing smiley

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I have not read all the responses, but, I can honestly tell you that all churches are not like that. When my dad had his hear attack a couple of years back, my Guatemalan church offered to buy me a plane ticket home and to take care of my family while I was gone.

 

I would talk to the senior pastor about your concerns and experience and let him know how you feel.

[Guest janainaz]

Unfortunately, the church as we see it today is an institution, not the body of Christ. We ARE the church, not the institution itself. Because there is an institution involved, it has to be a business and it has to protect its own interests first and foremost. I loved the book So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore for this very reason (instead of buying the book, you could go to the author's website and peruse the free articles or listen to his podcasts: http://www.lifestream.org/). It's done in a fiction format, which makes it all the more interesting.

 

If you want to stay in the institution, I think that the only way to help the pastor understand where you're at in life is not only explain it to him, but help with a solution. Nix serving in the nursery...you can serve out of where you're at in life. You better than anyone know what single parents need! Work alongside the pastor to develop a care group for those in the church that might have needs such as yourself. The possibilities are endless! As a single mom you're used to making lemonade out of lemons (my mom was a single mom and we started at church when I was 12, so I understand where you're coming from), so talk to the Lord and see how he wants you to make the best lemonade in your town. :)

 

You are correct in the fact that we ARE the church. People make up the church. And so I ask why so many people replying to this thread have told this woman that after 3 years of attending, she needs to get more connected. There is a suggestion in those comments that a single woman with four kids is responsible for the fact that the church she has attended is not stepping up to help its own. Is she supposed to hold up a sign on the corner to get their attention?

 

I don't care what century we are in, the church was never meant to be a business with a lot of overhead and programs. I've been part of many churches, I've seen how they operate, I see how people serve and where the focus is often put, and the church institution constantly has an agenda and the motives are not always pure. What this person experienced is a perfect example and this is more the norm from what I, personally, have experienced. "The church has to protect its own interests first and foremost," no kidding. The church's interests these days are its pastor salaries, bills, and "building fund" projects. The interest of the church was meant to be the people and I'm tired of hearing the excuses people make for it. There is often not a lot of tithing money left over to help the people that need it because it all goes to the church's bills. What if the church did what it was supposed to and told it's people to seek out people in their own lives that need support and put their money and time there? If the church directed people to their own neighborhoods and told them to get connected in the community instead of behind the walls of the institution, far more good would be getting done and people would not be relying on government assistance as much. But that can't happen because of all the people making excuses that it's ok for the church to take the focus, to "take care of it's own interests first and foremost", and the focus is put back on the person in need of help by telling them to go start a program and to get more connected. It makes my blood boil.

[FaithManor]

I too don't think it is her fault for not making relationships. She is back there slogging away with a bunch of little ones for four hour blocks on a regular basis. By the time the last baby is picked up, pretty much everyone has gone home. I know this from first hand experience. Nursery workers have a tendency to be convenienly "forgotten". Its not right but it is common.

 

I think she would be wise to just quietly leave that church and find one with fewer "programs" so she can volunteer but not on such a demanding schedule. Then she can attend a class or Bible study and meet other people. That is important. She's been treated rather badly at this church and needs a chance to de-stress and heal.

 

I am so sorry that anyone goes through things like this at churches. It shouldn't happen, but the church is made up of people and we are all flawed. Sometimes those flaws come out in rather unfortunate, glaring ways.

 

Faith

[iluvmy4blessings]

Two things hit me.

 

Quite often churches as an organization seem to think of needs in pretty narrow ways like food provision for death, severe illness which requires hospitalization and new babies. They often do not know how to handle a request for something like getting down decorations from a high shelf. Hopefully in 3.5 years in a church I would have cultivated some personal friendships with fellow believers. Those are the people that I would call for transportation, help with the decorations etc. I think the church office might be a bit surprised that you would not turn to friends within the church for that kind of help.

 

The second thing is that I think the pastor seemed a bit brusque. But I do understand that he probably thinks of the nursery duty as a commitment and a job. A volunteer job, but a job nonetheless. That is why he would want notice. The fact that he told you that you "would" do something would bring out my most mulish side.

 

Yes you are correct that in 3.5 years I should have been able to cultivate some personal friendships with believers. Unfortunately, I have only managed to become good friends with about 4 people there. By that I mean, true friendships that extend outside of seeing each other on Sunday/Wednesday. I don't know if this is my fault or what. I certainly feel like there must be something wrong with me. I cannot say that I am the most outgoing person there is and I do struggle with fitting into groups socially I guess. It was so much easier when I was married b/c I had more in common with people and my husband was very outgoing (too outgoing as it turned out for our marriage:tongue_smilie:) Anyway...I have worked so hard at being friendly and reaching out to people. Yet I have only managed to become "real" friends with one married couple, one single Mom and the church secretary. The church secretary has always been super sweet to me. We have gone out to dinner together before. My single mom friend is my best friend and she is WONDERFUL but we are in the same boat. She has 3 kids and I have 4. We do our best to be there for one another. However sometimes it is like the blind leading the blind.

 

The married couple I am friends with are also WONDERFUL. They would also do anything I ever asked of them and vice versa if I could do something for them. I have only recently gotten to know them because they took over as the leaders of my Wednesday night small group. I can honestly say that no matter what no one else seems to really be interested in becoming "real" friends with me outside of church. There are only three single moms in the entire church and one single dad. That is it. Everyone else is married. They all get to gether and do things but we are never included. I think I make them feel uncomfortable. I guess I am the oddball b/c I am a single mom of 4 kids. I have more kids than most of them and I am divorced. In a bigger church this would not be the case I am sure. I probably would fit in better in a church with single parents but I have tried them sporadically to test it out and find them to be similar to filling out an application on Eharmony. No thanks!! I am not looking for a date. I don't want to go into that scenario. When you said that the church probably expects me to have friends by now so I don't have to call the church office and ask...well it makes me feel like that kid in school that never fits in with the group and has to go crying to the teacher. I don't want to be that kid!!! I wish I could make more friends there. I do feel like the oddball though and truthfully I can't do all the activities that they go to b/c they have a spouse to leave their kids with etc.

 

Let me also say...just in case anyone was wondering...I do work so I am not just someone sitting at home and expecting money to rain from the sky. I am sure if I did that it wold project a persona that would deter people at the church from wanting to have anything to do with me. However that is not the case. I have a full time job that I can do mostly from home. I don't say this b/c I have ever asked for money from them (nor would I) I say it b/c I worry sometimes that people don't want to be friends with me b/c the perception of "Single mom 4 kids" might make them worried that I will try to leech from them. I think I fight that stereotype there. Even though I work so hard to make sure I am never perceived that way.

Edited March 29, 2010 by iluvmy4blessings

[iluvmy4blessings]

For example, getting the Xmas decorations down. I think my family would have helped but found it odd

 

Odd. Well I guess that sums it up. It would not be an odd request if you asked your husband to go into the garage to take down the decorations from the highest shelf in the garage that he had put them on. However if you are alone/elderly or just can't do it yourself, there is nothing odd about it. I cannot get on a ladder physically and my duaghter tried to do it but it was so high that we still could not reach them. My ex husband built ceiling shelves around the top of the garage before he left the country (He is in the Army). Even though he left, he would still come by the house and do things for us so I am at least thankful for that. However there are a TON of things that my ex husband did around the house. I think most wives call this their "Honey Do" List. It coudl be mechanical, electrical stuff or just reaching things on a super high shelf in the garage. It's not at all "odd" for someone to expect their husband to do this but if you don't have a husband to do it you will need to ask your friends. I guess I don't have enough friends. Working full time, homeschooling, and raising my kids and never being invited to anything socially at church makes it hard for me to make these friends. I do the best I can but at the end of the day I sometimes have to break down and ask for help. I hate that I have to ask. A part of me feared that people would think I was weird for asking . Now I know. It sucks not having a husband to do these things for me but I refuse to run out and get a boyfriend just to fill that void. I have to just continue to get through this season of my life until God sees fit to bring me to another season.

[HeatherM2]

You are correct in the fact that we ARE the church. People make up the church. And so I ask why so many people replying to this thread have told this woman that after 3 years of attending, she needs to get more connected. There is a suggestion in those comments that a single woman with four kids is responsible for the fact that the church she has attended is not stepping up to help its own. Is she supposed to hold up a sign on the corner to get their attention?

 

I don't care what century we are in, the church was never meant to be a business with a lot of overhead and programs. I've been part of many churches, I've seen how they operate, I see how people serve and where the focus is often put, and the church institution constantly has an agenda and the motives are not always pure. What this person experienced is a perfect example and this is more the norm from what I, personally, have experienced. "The church has to protect its own interests first and foremost," no kidding. The church's interests these days are its pastor salaries, bills, and "building fund" projects. The interest of the church was meant to be the people and I'm tired of hearing the excuses people make for it. There is often not a lot of tithing money left over to help the people that need it because it all goes to the church's bills. What if the church did what it was supposed to and told it's people to seek out people in their own lives that need support and put their money and time there? If the church directed people to their own neighborhoods and told them to get connected in the community instead of behind the walls of the institution, far more good would be getting done and people would not be relying on government assistance as much. But that can't happen because of all the people making excuses that it's ok for the church to take the focus, to "take care of it's own interests first and foremost", and the focus is put back on the person in need of help by telling them to go start a program and to get more connected. It makes my blood boil.

 

:iagree:

 

I should add that I would not have thought it was odd that you asked for help getting Christmas decorations down. What an easy yet loving thing to do for someone. I'm baffled that anyone would see a problem doing that. I also don't think people should be so hard on you about not making enough friends. I'm frustrated for you.

Edited March 29, 2010 by HeatherM2

[stormy weather]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, it hurts when people let you down. Time to look for a new church,IMO.

 

You are correct in the fact that we ARE the church. People make up the church. And so I ask why so many people replying to this thread have told this woman that after 3 years of attending, she needs to get more connected. There is a suggestion in those comments that a single woman with four kids is responsible for the fact that the church she has attended is not stepping up to help its own. Is she supposed to hold up a sign on the corner to get their attention?

 

:iagree:

I am a single mom too, I feel like the people in the last church I attended just didn't know what to do with me so they simply ignored me. The only people who spoke to me were 70+ and were friends with my mom. I felt more cared for and looked after by my boss, co-workers and patrons, when I was working in our local library. I'm not looking for the church to serve me or to meet all my needs, I'm just looking for a church where people are willing to even acknowledge I'm there. It's hard to find a balanced church, meaning the teaching is good and the people are friendly and are willing to help. I can only seem to find one or the other. I thought for a time I could compromise on the friendliness but, when the other sunday school kids started snubbing mine, that pretty much told me things would never change there.

[mommaduck]

Odd. Well I guess that sums it up. It would not be an odd request if you asked your husband to go into the garage to take down the decorations from the highest shelf in the garage that he had put them on. However if you are alone/elderly or just can't do it yourself, there is nothing odd about it. I cannot get on a ladder physically and my duaghter tried to do it but it was so high that we still could not reach them. My ex husband built ceiling shelves around the top of the garage before he left the country (He is in the Army). Even though he left, he would still come by the house and do things for us so I am at least thankful for that. However there are a TON of things that my ex husband did around the house. I think most wives call this their "Honey Do" List. It coudl be mechanical, electrical stuff or just reaching things on a super high shelf in the garage. It's not at all "odd" for someone to expect their husband to do this but if you don't have a husband to do it you will need to ask your friends. I guess I don't have enough friends. Working full time, homeschooling, and raising my kids and never being invited to anything socially at church makes it hard for me to make these friends. I do the best I can but at the end of the day I sometimes have to break down and ask for help. I hate that I have to ask. A part of me feared that people would think I was weird for asking . Now I know. It sucks not having a husband to do these things for me but I refuse to run out and get a boyfriend just to fill that void. I have to just continue to get through this season of my life until God sees fit to bring me to another season.

What I'm going to say WILL offend some ppl, but here goes...

 

From being raised in Protestantism and having been in "intentional family churches" they are more "family oriented", but in THEIR view of family. Meaning that singles, single parents, etc are often left out or looked down upon as an oddity or in judgment.

 

There ARE many churches that DON'T put such a focus on "intentional family churching" that practice being a family as a church more. I would look for another church.

[iluvmy4blessings]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, it hurts when people let you down. Time to look for a new church,IMO.

 

 

:iagree:

I am a single mom too, I feel like the people in the last church I attended just didn't know what to do with me so they simply ignored me. The only people who spoke to me were 70+ and were friends with my mom. I felt more cared for and looked after by my boss, co-workers and patrons, when I was working in our local library. I'm not looking for the church to serve me or to meet all my needs, I'm just looking for a church where people are willing to even acknowledge I'm there. It's hard to find a balanced church, meaning the teaching is good and the people are friendly and are willing to help. I can only seem to find one or the other. I thought for a time I could compromise on the friendliness but, when the other sunday school kids started snubbing mine, that pretty much told me things would never change there.

 

Wow. Thanks for posting this. It makes me feel less alone. I really don't want "help" so much as "acceptance". I completely agree with the general concensus that I should have friends. I wish I had more friend!! I really do. I don't get invited to anything. I go to every social activity that has child care available but no one asks me to sit at their table. I sit with the other two single moms if they go and if not I try to be friendly and sit down with some people but it's like I'm invisible. Can you see me??? Can anyone see me?? LOL....Oh well. I agree that I need to connect and make friends. I wish I knew how to make that happen. I do attend a Tuesday morning Bible Study that is 99% elderly women in teh church. I love these ladies and connect with them more than anyone else in the church. They are mostly widows and we get each other. I'm not a widow but sometiems feel in teh same boat.

[iluvmy4blessings]

Thank you to every single person that replied to this thread. Whether you told me I need to get off my behind and make more friends or whether you told me to go find a new church...whatever your feedback was I appreciate it. I genuinely do. I would not have asked if I did not want another perspective. For me leaving a church is HUGE. I believe in commitment and sticking it out. I don't want to be a bad example to my children of just up and leaving when the going gets tough. However, I need to know when it's time to hit the road. I will fully take into account what all of you have said and it means so much to me that you busy Moms took time out of your life to respond to me. I think that the problem really does boil down to me not having connected enough with members in order to build personal relationships. I mean it really does say something about my lack of real friendships when I have to ask the church office to take my ornaments down. I am glad someone pointed that out to me . The real problem is that I'm not building any personal friendships there. Maybe that is because I am in a church full of mostly married couples. I guess I did not realize how difficult it is for them to accept me. So maybe I will try to go to a bigger church and try to find a small group there where I can make it "feel" smaller and connect. Thanks again to everyone!! Your feedback has truly made my day!

[emubird]

I think if the request about the Christmas decorations had come in to our church, people would have found it odd -- but only at first. After the initial reaction, it would have made them think about the fact that they were ignoring certain needs in their church community.

 

It could be that the church you're in is responding the same way, but that it may take some time for these thoughts to work their way into the "system".

 

I also found that it took, well, probably 3-4 years in our church before I felt that I had friends there that I could call on. It just takes a lot of time.

 

However, I've been involved in things like choir, where people just naturally get to know each other. I don't know that that would be true of the nursery, unless the nursery was staffed by a rotating team of people who got to know each other.

 

If it were me, I'd look at the the relationships I had already developed in the church, and I'd consider whether there might be more relationships just about to "blossom" before deciding to leave. The pastor did sound like he treated you badly, but there is a lot more to a church than the pastor. Still, I would try talking to the pastor, telling him what your needs are, because he might not be aware of it.

 

The one thing I do see that's odd about your situation is that you aren't getting invited to a lot of the family events. You really should be getting invited. That sends up a red flag for me.

 

However, it could just be that people are being stupid. When I first joined our church, I pointed out that there were lots of jobs that new people found it difficult to "break into". About a year after my mentioning this, sign up sheets suddenly appeared and lots more new people got involved. Sometimes it's just a matter of letting people know, and then giving them the time to believe it's their own idea. The old timers at the church often don't see things from a new person's perspective.

 

But you're in the situation. You'll have to make your own decisions about what seems to be going on and whether it's worth staying for.

[Chris in VA]

Thank you to every single person that replied to this thread. Whether you told me I need to get off my behind and make more friends or whether you told me to go find a new church...whatever your feedback was I appreciate it. I genuinely do. I would not have asked if I did not want another perspective. For me leaving a church is HUGE. I believe in commitment and sticking it out. I don't want to be a bad example to my children of just up and leaving when the going gets tough. However, I need to know when it's time to hit the road. I will fully take into account what all of you have said and it means so much to me that you busy Moms took time out of your life to respond to me. I think that the problem really does boil down to me not having connected enough with members in order to build personal relationships. I mean it really does say something about my lack of real friendships when I have to ask the church office to take my ornaments down. I am glad someone pointed that out to me . The real problem is that I'm not building any personal friendships there. Maybe that is because I am in a church full of mostly married couples. I guess I did not realize how difficult it is for them to accept me. So maybe I will try to go to a bigger church and try to find a small group there where I can make it "feel" smaller and connect. Thanks again to everyone!! Your feedback has truly made my day!

 

Thank YOU for graciously accepting what was said to you. You remind me that our church needs to remember there are folks who may not feel comfortable asking for things--and for me personally to reach out more to the singles.

I hope you find a place where your heart can rest, and you can worship. :grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

Wow. Thanks for posting this. It makes me feel less alone. I really don't want "help" so much as "acceptance". I completely agree with the general concensus that I should have friends. I wish I had more friend!! I really do. I don't get invited to anything. I go to every social activity that has child care available but no one asks me to sit at their table. I sit with the other two single moms if they go and if not I try to be friendly and sit down with some people but it's like I'm invisible. Can you see me??? Can anyone see me?? LOL....Oh well. I agree that I need to connect and make friends. I wish I knew how to make that happen. I do attend a Tuesday morning Bible Study that is 99% elderly women in teh church. I love these ladies and connect with them more than anyone else in the church. They are mostly widows and we get each other. I'm not a widow but sometiems feel in teh same boat.

 

I know how you feel. There are days I feel like that, too. I think its just part of life, because I know many other married women who feel the same way at times.

 

There is something to be said for building relationships, although it sounds like your church isn't into that at all. My church wouldn't even allow you to serve in the nursery that much. You need to be fed spiritually, as well as serve. If you're not being fed, hearing the Word, being taught, you're going to run dry, fast. And, you're not going to have any time to make friends or build relationships.

 

If you want to stay at that church, I'd talk to the pastor about how he spoke to you and your ability to serve. If he's less than kind about it, dust off your sandals and move on.

[Pink Fairy]

Wow. Thanks for posting this. It makes me feel less alone. I really don't want "help" so much as "acceptance". I completely agree with the general concensus that I should have friends. I wish I had more friend!! I really do. I don't get invited to anything. I go to every social activity that has child care available but no one asks me to sit at their table. I sit with the other two single moms if they go and if not I try to be friendly and sit down with some people but it's like I'm invisible. Can you see me??? Can anyone see me?? LOL....Oh well. I agree that I need to connect and make friends. I wish I knew how to make that happen. I do attend a Tuesday morning Bible Study that is 99% elderly women in teh church. I love these ladies and connect with them more than anyone else in the church. They are mostly widows and we get each other. I'm not a widow but sometiems feel in teh same boat.

 

Heartbreaking. :crying: I wish you lived close--I just want to give you a hug and say, "I SEE YOU!!!," and pick you up on Sunday for church. Thank you for reminding me that I need to reach out more (I'm shy), and look beyond my own little circle.

 

Please realize it's not you who's at fault. I can tell just by reading your posts that you have a sweet heart! :grouphug:

[stormy weather]

Wow. Thanks for posting this. It makes me feel less alone. I really don't want "help" so much as "acceptance". I completely agree with the general concensus that I should have friends. I wish I had more friend!! I really do. I don't get invited to anything. I go to every social activity that has child care available but no one asks me to sit at their table. I sit with the other two single moms if they go and if not I try to be friendly and sit down with some people but it's like I'm invisible. Can you see me??? Can anyone see me?? LOL....Oh well. I agree that I need to connect and make friends. I wish I knew how to make that happen. I do attend a Tuesday morning Bible Study that is 99% elderly women in teh church. I love these ladies and connect with them more than anyone else in the church. They are mostly widows and we get each other. I'm not a widow but sometiems feel in teh same boat.

 

That's called the cloak of invisibility.:D I wear it without even knowing it.

 

 

I heard a widow on a radio program say once that when her church had dinners she would often be asked to move seats so that a couple could sit at the same table. My church would have dinners for 8, the same 8 people getting together each week, that sort of automaticaly excluded me. I guess I would be a 7th or a 9th wheel!:001_smile: Hang in there! I try to keep smiling and laughing and just trust that the Lord has a plan.

Edited March 29, 2010 by stormy weather

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes you are correct that in 3.5 years I should have been able to cultivate some personal friendships with believers. Unfortunately, I have only managed to become good friends with about 4 people there. By that I mean, true friendships that extend outside of seeing each other on Sunday/Wednesday. I don't know if this is my fault or what. I certainly feel like there must be something wrong with me. I cannot say that I am the most outgoing person there is and I do struggle with fitting into groups socially I guess. It was so much easier when I was married b/c I had more in common with people and my husband was very outgoing (too outgoing as it turned out for our marriage:tongue_smilie:) Anyway...I have worked so hard at being friendly and reaching out to people. Yet I have only managed to become "real" friends with one married couple, one single Mom and the church secretary. The church secretary has always been super sweet to me. We have gone out to dinner together before. My single mom friend is my best friend and she is WONDERFUL but we are in the same boat. She has 3 kids and I have 4. We do our best to be there for one another. However sometimes it is like the blind leading the blind.

 

The married couple I am friends with are also WONDERFUL. They would also do anything I ever asked of them and vice versa if I could do something for them. I have only recently gotten to know them because they took over as the leaders of my Wednesday night small group. I can honestly say that no matter what no one else seems to really be interested in becoming "real" friends with me outside of church. There are only three single moms in the entire church and one single dad. That is it. Everyone else is married. They all get to gether and do things but we are never included. I think I make them feel uncomfortable. I guess I am the oddball b/c I am a single mom of 4 kids. I have more kids than most of them and I am divorced. In a bigger church this would not be the case I am sure. I probably would fit in better in a church with single parents but I have tried them sporadically to test it out and find them to be similar to filling out an application on Eharmony. No thanks!! I am not looking for a date. I don't want to go into that scenario. When you said that the church probably expects me to have friends by now so I don't have to call the church office and ask...well it makes me feel like that kid in school that never fits in with the group and has to go crying to the teacher. I don't want to be that kid!!! I wish I could make more friends there. I do feel like the oddball though and truthfully I can't do all the activities that they go to b/c they have a spouse to leave their kids with etc.

 

Let me also say...just in case anyone was wondering...I do work so I am not just someone sitting at home and expecting money to rain from the sky. I am sure if I did that it wold project a persona that would deter people at the church from wanting to have anything to do with me. However that is not the case. I have a full time job that I can do mostly from home. I don't say this b/c I have ever asked for money from them (nor would I) I say it b/c I worry sometimes that people don't want to be friends with me b/c the perception of "Single mom 4 kids" might make them worried that I will try to leech from them. I think I fight that stereotype there. Even though I work so hard to make sure I am never perceived that way.

 

You have been very gracious in your responses. :grouphug: Please know that my response (and I believe other's too) have not been with the intent to chastise you in any way. It's more of a "hmm, let's analyze what might have gone wrong here" sort of thing. When I stop and analyze who I could ask for those sorts of things, I find myself naturally thinking that I would turn to the few good friends I have in my church. Notice I said "few" good friends. I don't have a lot. I also would turn to my neighbors, most of whom do not go to any church, because those relationships are close for me as well. And because it would me more convenient for me to ask them for a quick favor (and to give one back). But we are all in different circumstances with different interpersonal dynamics. I do hope that you find a church that meets your needs. :grouphug:

[Rosy]

FWIW, I'm a married woman with 4 kids and it took almost 5 years for me to feel connected at church. It was only after I was teaching Sunday School weekly and staying for 2nd service AND helping lead the young adults ministry AND going to co-op with other families that I started to feel connected. It's hard to meet people when you have kids because you can't just stand around and chit chat. Even now, the people I'm most connected to are my kids' friends' parents (mostly the other homeschooling families) and people I serve with.

 

That said, our pastors and their wives would have made an effort to get to know you and invite you to home groups or church events. We would have reached out to you if your car was broken down. We would have figured out a way to get your ornaments down. We *definitely* wouldn't have slammed you for missing a nursery shift due to a broken down vehicle.

 

I've been in small churches where it's hard to find help, and have been the one calling people asking them to please, please volunteer even though they already have that month. It is not an excuse to browbeat anyone. If you decide to stay at the church, I would definitely be looking for another place to serve.

 

I think a lot of churches don't know how to handle single parents...but we should definitely be coming alongside them, particularly those who have been abandoned by cheating spouses. It makes me sad we're not better at that kind of thing. Jesus was not like that.

[iluvmy4blessings]

Heartbreaking. :crying: I wish you lived close--I just want to give you a hug and say, "I SEE YOU!!!," and pick you up on Sunday for church. Thank you for reminding me that I need to reach out more (I'm shy), and look beyond my own little circle.

 

Please realize it's not you who's at fault. I can tell just by reading your posts that you have a sweet heart! :grouphug:

 

Thanks so much for those kind words and the virtual hug!! Really you have lifted my spirits sooo much!!!:party:

[LibraryLover]

l.

Edited March 29, 2010 by LibraryLover