Tattling - I have never understood why it is so wrong??

[Cammie]

Ok, help me understand, why is tattling considered to be so bad? If a person sees someone doing something wrong/that they shouldn't be doing - why do we punish the whistleblower? In adult life don't we want to encourage people to have the strength to report crimes/unethical behavior to the correct authorities? I understand that the stupid stuff (she touched me, he looked at me wrong) is annoying but what about the other stuff (he hit me, she cheated)?

[Tangerine]

I think it is about intent. If my daughter saw her younger brother doing something dangerous or destructive, and she told me to protect him or the house, I would appreciate it.

 

If, however, she saw him doing something that just irritates me (drinking bathwater for instance), and she told me just to get him in trouble, then that would be "tattling" in my book.

 

It takes awhile for kids to figure out what needs to be told, and what doesn't. But to me, it's just about intent. Trying to get someone in trouble in order to "shine brightly" yourself, just makes me queasy. Blech.

[Barb_]

Ok, help me understand, why is tattling considered to be so bad? If a person sees someone doing something wrong/that they shouldn't be doing - why do we punish the whistleblower? In adult life don't we want to encourage people to have the strength to report crimes/unethical behavior to the correct authorities? I understand that the stupid stuff (she touched me, he looked at me wrong) is annoying but what about the other stuff (he hit me, she cheated)?

 

I think it becomes annoying when kids can't tell the difference between the stupid stuff and the harmful stuff. I tell my kids that if they are trying to help someone get out of trouble, telling is a good idea. But if they are simply trying to get someone into trouble to make themselves feel bigger or more important...not good.

 

Barb

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think it becomes annoying when kids can't tell the difference between the stupid stuff and the harmful stuff. I tell my kids that if they are trying to help someone get out of trouble, telling is a good idea. But if they are simply trying to get someone into trouble to make themselves feel bigger or more important...not good.

 

Barb

:iagree: If a child doesn't know how to handle a situation, the may need to come to mom for help (one child is being mean and the other doesn't know how to make it stop, thus needing some coaching or interference.) However, if a child is just being whiny for attention, the solution may be that the whiny child stays with Mom for that extra attention (and cannot play with the "troublesome" sibling:).)

[Luanne]

when it all gets lumped in together. My brother who is 2 years older than me and was always a lot bigger than I was used to beat the carp out of me and there was nothing I could do about it. Mind you, if either of my siblings that are older than he is saw him he was in trouble with them, but I was not allowed to "tell" on him because I was tattling ... even though he was physically hurting me all the time.

 

I definitely think there needs to be a distinction between tattling and honestly having a reason to tell an adult someone is hurting you.

[Amber in AUS]

Some children can spend a considerable amount of their time trying to get others into trouble, tattling is not an effective use of their time! We recently spent 1 week with very close friends. Their oldest DD is 5 and she spent the first 2 days reporting every crime to the nearest adult no matter what it was. "G took a book from I" I wasn't bothered, "X wont play with G" G couldn't have cared less, "E wont share the scooter" no one was asking for a turn, truly this child didn't spend much time playing she was absorbed in trying to get everyone in trouble. In my book that is tattling, it wasn't necessary to report any of it to an adult, it was just kids playing, no one was injured or even cried over anything she was reporting. Their truly wasn't a problem at all.

 

I do agree that we should bring our children up morally and I encourage my own children to always tell the truth. That mostly relates to genuine crimes IYKWIM ;)

[Sarah CB]

We have a rule. If someone is hurting someone or destroying something then it's Ok to tell. If you're just telling me so the other person can get into trouble then that's tattling and I don't want to hear about it.

 

However, we had to add in an extra clause. If someone is doing something annoying and will not stop and it's annoying you to the point where you want to punch him then you may come and ask me for help or just sit beside me until you calm down.

[Barb_]

Some children can spend a considerable amount of their time trying to get others into trouble, tattling is not an effective use of their time! We recently spent 1 week with very close friends. Their oldest DD is 5 and she spent the first 2 days reporting every crime to the nearest adult no matter what it was. "G took a book from I" I wasn't bothered, "X wont play with G" G couldn't have cared less, "E wont share the scooter" no one was asking for a turn, truly this child didn't spend much time playing she was absorbed in trying to get everyone in trouble. In my book that is tattling, it wasn't necessary to report any of it to an adult, it was just kids playing, no one was injured or even cried over anything she was reporting. Their truly wasn't a problem at all.

 

Yeah it's this sort of thing that drives me up a tree. My bunch generally knows the difference, but there are one or two in the neighborhood that come to me with reports every minute or two. And my son is developing a bit of a habit due to the preschool influence, but we're working on it.

 

To Cammie again: If tattling doesn't make you want to pluck out your eyeballs with a fork, you really don't have a tattling problem.

 

Barb

[TengoFive]

We had a friend once who got on to my kids for "tattling" when they came and told her that her son was hitting someone else. My kids still haven't forgiven her for that. I have always encouraged my kids to come to me if there's a situation they don't know how to resolve without violence. I would much rather them tell me than hit someone else. Now coming and telling me something someone is doing wrong just to get the other person in trouble is inappropriate to me. I want to foster a family spirit, not every man for himself.

[Cammie]

OK, I guess I see that perhaps in some children it becomes more of an annoying habit of trying to get someone in trouble for a minor problem. I was asking because on another thread someone had a list of behavoirs and was using scripture as a way to pinpoint problem behavoirs. It was just hard for me to put tattling in with a group that included lying, hiting, cheating, etc.

[FloridaLisa]

OK, I guess I see that perhaps in some children it becomes more of an annoying habit of trying to get someone in trouble for a minor problem. I was asking because on another thread someone had a list of behavoirs and was using scripture as a way to pinpoint problem behavoirs. It was just hard for me to put tattling in with a group that included lying, hiting, cheating, etc.

 

I think for me the question is the tattling child's motive. Is the child's motive to get someone else in trouble? Is that child delighting in seeing someone else get in trouble? Is the tattler being too controlling? Or possibly stirring up something and then reporting only the response?

 

The parent has to help the child learn to use some discretion. The tattler needs to learn to overlook minor problems or work them out. The tattler needs to make sure s/he isn't enjoying someone else's trouble. And the tattler needs to protect his/her word so that when a situation really does require an adult, the adult knows it's important.

 

That's how we *try* to handle it,

Lisa, with a sweet 3-yo who leans toward tattling tendencies :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

OK, I guess I see that perhaps in some children it becomes more of an annoying habit of trying to get someone in trouble for a minor problem. I was asking because on another thread someone had a list of behavoirs and was using scripture as a way to pinpoint problem behavoirs. It was just hard for me to put tattling in with a group that included lying, hiting, cheating, etc.

 

I alsways think of tattling being the negative - telling on someone for something silly just to get them into trouble - and it is a manifestation of a lack of love, which is sin. When someone genuinely has a reason to report something, I don't think of it as tattling.

[In The Great White North]

Here's a good explanation:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detraction

 

Obviously, this only concerns the "no one's getting hurt - I want to get someone else in trouble" type of tattling.

[rockermom]

We have a rule. If someone is hurting someone or destroying something then it's Ok to tell. If you're just telling me so the other person can get into trouble then that's tattling and I don't want to hear about it.

 

However, we had to add in an extra clause. If someone is doing something annoying and will not stop and it's annoying you to the point where you want to punch him then you may come and ask me for help or just sit beside me until you calm down.

 

I like those guidelines. I think that kids need to learn how to work out innocent differences without coming to me every 30 seconds for an update.

[stripe]

In my opinion, it's only "wrong" because parents find it annoying -- either they don't want to be bothered to intervene or they have bad memories of someone "telling on" them. I was fascinated to see in NurtureShock the statistic that more parents (way more!) punish for tattletelling than for honesty, which tends to backfire in adolescence when having someone willing to blow the whistle on devious, secret behavior (abuse, suicidal thoughts, hazing, planned school violence, and so on) would be a really good thing.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

is what I say when a kid tattles. Sometimes that is all that happens. Sometimes I intervene. My children don't have such an issue with tattling over petty things, but friends do. I don't want to shut them down or give them the idea that they shouldn't tell an adult, nor do I want to parent children who are not mine. The "Thank you for telling me" seems to work. In one instance, a friend tattled over every minor thing. I just kept repeating my phrase and pretty soon the kid got the idea that his tattling wasn't producing the desired results so he stopped.

[Julie in CA]

In my opinion, it's only "wrong" because parents find it annoying -- either they don't want to be bothered to intervene or they have bad memories of someone "telling on" them.

I completely disagree. I'm not annoyed by tattling. At all. I sincerely want to know when someone has done something that needs to be corrected. At the same time, it's just really disgusting to me when anyone (including any of my children) "tell" simply out of delight about getting the other person "in trouble". It shows something really horrible about your own character when you're overjoyed that someone else is in trouble.

[Scuff]

I think it is about intent. If my daughter saw her younger brother doing something dangerous or destructive, and she told me to protect him or the house, I would appreciate it.

 

If, however, she saw him doing something that just irritates me (drinking bathwater for instance), and she told me just to get him in trouble, then that would be "tattling" in my book.

 

It takes awhile for kids to figure out what needs to be told, and what doesn't. But to me, it's just about intent. Trying to get someone in trouble in order to "shine brightly" yourself, just makes me queasy. Blech.

 

:iagree:

[kewb]

In our house tattling is telling on someone just so they get into trouble. 2 years ago I instituted The Tattle Form. I love that form. Immediate telling is acceptable if you see someone doing something dangerous, injuring you, or unsure if you should be telling. Otherwise you have to fill out the form. The child has to answer about 15 unrelated to the tattle questions before they can write what the tattle is. They have to include the date, their name, address, house tel. #, my cell phone #, answer questions such as: What is your favorite food? Least favorite school subject? Favorite outfit? etc. If they are willing to take the time to fill out the form I know this is something they feel strongly about and I intervene. The form drastically reduced the amount of tattling.

[Scuff]

OK, I guess I see that perhaps in some children it becomes more of an annoying habit of trying to get someone in trouble for a minor problem. I was asking because on another thread someone had a list of behavoirs and was using scripture as a way to pinpoint problem behavoirs. It was just hard for me to put tattling in with a group that included lying, hiting, cheating, etc.

 

 

It belongs in that group because it comes from a root of pride. Thinking, or wanting to think, that your better than others. Wanting others to see how wonderful you are compared to the other childrenand at their expense. This arrogance is ugly and doesn't lead to good places.

Edited March 18, 2010 by Scuff

[johnandtinagilbert]

It belongs in that group because it comes from a root of pride. Thinking, or wanting to think, that your better than others. Wanting others to see how wonderful you are compared to the other childrenand at their expense. This arrogance is ugly and doesn't lead to good places.

:iagree:

Danger is different. Saying...look at what Janey does wrong is tattling. B/c that translates into, I don't do that thing wrong. I know better. Look at how wonderful I am. Sibs and friends are called to encourage one another to do things to their best and to honor the adults in their lives, even when the adults don't see the behavior. A better approach is to teach children how to encourage their sibs and friends to do what is best. We have the 3 strikes rule in our house.

 

Johnny, you know you're not allowed to play in the ditch.

Johnny, if you don't stop playing in the ditch, I'll have to get an adult.

Mom, I gave Johnny his two chances to correct his behavior, but he won't come out of the ditch.

 

This gives a chance to correct inappropriate behavior, as nobody's perfect and we can all use reminders every day, a chance for the righteous one to show guidance and grace as opposed to self-righteousness and manipulation and it teaches a child to correctly approach an adult...when they need help, not when the want to diminish another or glorify themselves.

[Rosy]

My rule is that they can only tell me after they've made an effort to work it out themselves. In life people need to be able to work out their own problems without running to someone else for minor issues. I'm happy to get involved if they can't handle it on their own, but the offending party is much better off listening to his/her sibling than waiting until it comes to Mom.

[Mommyfaithe]

Ok, I didn't read the other responses because I wanted to tell you why I thuink it is wrong to tattle...AND that there is a difference between "tattling" and "telling" out of justice or concern.

 

My kids get in trouble for tattling...sometimes the tattler is in more trouble than the tattlee...and this is why:

 

In my definition, tattling is telling with the specific intent of getting the other person in trouble. It is spilling the beans to make you look good and the other person look bad.

 

Telling because of care or concern is a different matter. It is a painful decision usually and comes after deciding right from wrong. I tell my kids they are required to TELL if someone is in danger or if someone is doing something that is hurting another person or property.

 

If my 2 year old is in the road...that is not tattling, even though the 2 year old in disobeying.

 

If my 5 year old is is playing with my 7 year olds toy, quietly and nicely, and the 11 year old comes in and announces it loudly with happiness in her voice, the 5 year old will be reminded to not touch without asking and the 11 year old will have to apologize to her little brother and then me...for tattling. She will then probably get a reminder about the difference between telling and tattling. If it is a habit, she may get a stiffer penalty, like no computer time, or no dessert that night.

 

HTH,

Faithe

[angela in ohio]

At the same time, it's just really disgusting to me when anyone (including any of my children) "tell" simply out of delight about getting the other person "in trouble". It shows something really horrible about your own character when you're overjoyed that someone else is in trouble.

 

I agree. It is certainly not a trait you want them to carry into adulthood, because it can be terribly hurtful to others (ask me how I know. :glare:)

[fairfarmhand]

Tattling many times at my house is trying to stir up trouble. It is being a busy body and sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. I do encourage my kids to come tell me if there is danger (or property damage). We really bragged on dd age 4 when little brother went into the cattle pen (in a moment of parental inattention) and she IMMEDIATELY came to get mom and dad. We told her she "saved his life". (which actually could have been a true statement) But when they just tell on each other to stir up trouble and make themselves look better that is when they get a verbal reprimand. I don't generally punish them unless it has become an incessant habit.

[hornblower]

In my opinion, it's only "wrong" because parents find it annoying -- either they don't want to be bothered to intervene or they have bad memories of someone "telling on" them. I was fascinated to see in NurtureShock the statistic that more parents (way more!) punish for tattletelling than for honesty, which tends to backfire in adolescence when having someone willing to blow the whistle on devious, secret behavior (abuse, suicidal thoughts, hazing, planned school violence, and so on) would be a really good thing.

 

 

Yes, I think I agree with this.

 

Interestingly, I don't really think my kids have tattled much. I don't know why; or maybe they have & I just don't see it as tattling. I also much prefer kids to tell me about something than to try themselves to convince a sibling/friend to stop the bhvr. I'm the parent & adult - it's up to me how we'll handle it. Obviously for little things I'd expect my kids to be involved; for ex. let a guest know house rules, like 'we're not allowed to empty out that cupboard', but if the child continues, I fully expected my kids to come tell me, even if there was no danger involved.

 

As for schadenfreude - I'll admit to it. I wouldn't say I encourage it in myself or in my kids, & I don't want our thoughts to linger there for too long but I don't consider it a hugely horrible thing either. It's normal :).

[bookfiend]

Here's the are the distinctions I ask my boys (10 and 7) to make.

 

Is is dangerous? - always tell

Not dangerous; then does the situation involve you? Don't tell but, encourage one another to good behavior.

Doesn't involve you, but won't be resolved with kindness? Walk away

Involves you, Have you tried working it out on your own? (The Young Peacemaker is a wonderful resource for teaching conflict resolution.)

Involves you, can't work it out? - Come and discuss with Mom for mediation.

[Dawn in OH]

We have a rule. If someone is hurting someone or destroying something then it's Ok to tell. If you're just telling me so the other person can get into trouble then that's tattling and I don't want to hear about it.

 

However, we had to add in an extra clause. If someone is doing something annoying and will not stop and it's annoying you to the point where you want to punch him then you may come and ask me for help or just sit beside me until you calm down.

 

This is pretty much how it works in our house, including the clause.

[Cammie]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I find this fascinating. I guess I am coming from a very different place (or I haven't seen in my kids the behavior that some of you are talking about.) I guess I have a hard time seeing the "arrogant" and "disgusting" motives in a 3-4 year old. Now, if it was an older child maybe I would. I certainly have yet to see the type of glee filled tattling most of you mentioned. In my house it is usually a more genuine sounding "she pinched me, he hit me, etc..."

 

I wonder if it is hard for kids to make the distinction between appropriate "telling" and inappropriate "tattling." It is a very fine line - one that requires moral judgments to be made and outcomes to be weighed.

 

I think I will continue to air on the side of accepting being told everything without punishing for tattling. I would rather know too much than too little, I guess!

[jld]

I hear you, Cammie, and I totally agree with stripe.

 

I've never understood the disgust with tattling, either. I've found out a lot about my older kids I never would have guessed (and was able to then correct) by listening to my 3rd child.

 

I'm all for transparency, myself.

[Cammie]

Thanks Jodene!! How is the baby?? Hope the fever went down quick!

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

In my definition, tattling is telling with the specific intent of getting the other person in trouble. It is spilling the beans to make you look good and the other person look bad.

 

:iagree:

 

This is exactly what it comes down to, for me.

[Penelope]

is what I say when a kid tattles. Sometimes that is all that happens. Sometimes I intervene. My children don't have such an issue with tattling over petty things, but friends do. I don't want to shut them down or give them the idea that they shouldn't tell an adult, nor do I want to parent children who are not mine. The "Thank you for telling me" seems to work. In one instance, a friend tattled over every minor thing. I just kept repeating my phrase and pretty soon the kid got the idea that his tattling wasn't producing the desired results so he stopped.

 

I agree with this.

 

Neighborhood kids will come to me and tell me every.little.thing that is going on in the play. I do what the above poster said.

 

If I do correct or speak to one of my kids as the result of a tattling, I try to do it very unobtrusively or do it later so that senseless tattling is not seen a getting a "big" response from me.

[angela in ohio]

I've been looking up the definition of tattling, and every definition so far has included the word gossip. If your dc are telling without malice that someone hit them, they are not tattling. They are telling, reporting, sharing. The word tattling carries with it more that just telling, it included the intent.

 

There is no tattling in my house, because the first time a dc tattled, they were disciplined for the motive in their heart. They do tell me when somone is doing something they should not be, but it is not tattling.

[Renee in NC]

I hear you, Cammie, and I totally agree with stripe.

 

I've never understood the disgust with tattling, either. I've found out a lot about my older kids I never would have guessed (and was able to then correct) by listening to my 3rd child.

 

I'm all for transparency, myself.

 

I think it is a bad precedent to set to have one younger child as your extra set of eyes for the older two. True character issues (the overall problem that causes the symptoms) will come to light even without the observations of the younger child.

 

I see this in my neighbor's kids - there are two older brothers and a younger sister. Anytime they do anything she doesn't like or she thinks is wrong, she runs off to tell mom. They get called in for the rest of the day. She happily does it and holds it over their heads, too - "If you don't let me do abc, I'll go tell mom that you did xyz." It *is* disgusting and I call *her* on it whenever I hear it. Mom, of course, doesn't hear this and thinks that her dd is an angel and her ds's are terrible. The reality is that the boys do normal kid stuff and the daughter is a brat.

 

I am not saying that this is what is happening in your house, but this is not the first time I have seen it when tattling is allowed and encouraged.

[Julie in CA]

In my house it is usually a more genuine sounding "she pinched me, he hit me, etc..."

 

I think I will continue to air on the side of accepting being told everything without punishing for tattling. I would rather know too much than too little, I guess!

Of course you don't need to punish for tattling! Your children aren't doing it.

I don't think our perspectives are actually that far apart. Telling your parents when someone hurts you, because you need them to stop hurting you, is not tattling.

 

On the other hand, let's say your children were going to school, and one of your dc came home from school and told you that your other dc failed a test. They were tattling, because #1. Their sibling failing a test wasn't something that was hurting them, and #2. You'd see the results of the test eventually anyway. The only reason they could possibly be telling you that was because they wanted to get the other child into hot water. It's not nice, it's not kind, and it's all about making life rougher for someone else.

 

I've actually never punished for tattling, though yes, I do find it disgusting. I'd have a talk with the offender, and remind them that we just don't treat people that way, and ask if there's any way they could have made a better choice about what to do with the information. They could have sympathized with the struggling test-taker, offered them study help so they could do better in the future, or they could have offered to come with them to hold their hand when they told mom & dad, constructive things, kind things, rather than just "ratting them out" for the fun of it, kwim?

 

According to the values I've tried to teach my dc, we weep when those we love weep, and rejoice when they rejoice. That doesn't leave a lot of room for doing anything that would actually add sorrow to their lives, including repeating with satisfaction something that someone else has done wrong.

 

My kids don't tattle either. Still though, I'd be on it if they did.

I think there are lots of kids who never do it, but the ones who do are certainly very noticeable! :001_huh:

[FloridaLisa]

I've never understood the disgust with tattling, either.

 

Just for clarification: I'm not disgusted at tattling. It's just one behavior (of many) that can need correcting, depending on the child and circumstances.

 

Lisa

[mcconnellboys]

I think somehow, somewhere, a lot of people go confused between the little, dumb stuff and the big, important stuff. I've always taught mine that it's NOT "tattling" when someone is doing something dangerous, illegal, etc. and you tell a responsible adult to try to get it corrected, save them or others, etc.

[jld]

I have learned a lot from my daughter, too, about what the boys are doing when I am not with them. I am really glad for what my children tell me, as I wouldn't know otherwise. We can deal with the motives of the "tattlers" after we deal with the transgression that caused the tattling.

 

Once again, I am all for transparency, myself.

[DarlaS]

 

I wonder if it is hard for kids to make the distinction between appropriate "telling" and inappropriate "tattling." It is a very fine line - one that requires moral judgments to be made and outcomes to be weighed.

 

 

 

I would think, yes. It seems it's also hard for some adults to tell the difference. A previous poster stated that she was unable to tell anyone that someone (her brother?) was hitting her--for fear of being punished for tattling! Clearly, for some adults, any kind of telling is tattling.

 

I can see how that could happen as honestly, no one ever explained the difference to me when I was a child. I don't punish for tattling, but I do make them aware of the difference. I don't get tattles much anymore.

[asta]

My mom, who had to deal with a pack of us on her own, hung a sign on her bedroom door that said:

 

"If one of you isn't bleeding, leave me alone."

 

It still makes me laugh to this day. Well, now that I'm a grown up with my own kid...

 

:lol:

 

 

a

[Cammie]

On the other hand, let's say your children were going to school, and one of your dc came home from school and told you that your other dc failed a test. They were tattling, because #1. Their sibling failing a test wasn't something that was hurting them, and #2. You'd see the results of the test eventually anyway. The only reason they could possibly be telling you that was because they wanted to get the other child into hot water. It's not nice, it's not kind, and it's all about making life rougher for someone else.

 

 

 

Ok, this example I understand! I totally get that this child is just being mean and enjoying the suffering that the other child will face. If this is what is meant by "tattling" then for sure I understand why people want to nip it in the bud. It is not respectful and like you said it is not nice.

 

I think I would then punish for not being nice and avoid the "tattling" concept because I do think it is probably too difficult for young children to distinguish between "good telling" and "bad telling!" But every child knows when they are being nice and fair to a sibling and when not.

 

Thanks everyone!