LONG random CC thoughts on beauty, femininity, practicality, thrift, et al

[gardening momma]

Without going into detail, several years ago I had a situation where I found myself feeling awful about what I was wearing. I had been occasionally wearing these black sweatpants of dh's that had shrunk and now fit me. I was also wearing t-shirts--**When I refer to t-shirts in this post, I'm referring to the stereotypical kind--the souvenier/screen printed, unisex look, or one-size-fits-all-look, etc...** The day when this "conviction" occurred (I hadn't thought of it in those terms before, but it kind of fits) dh and I had gone to a Christmas party. I was on pain medication and just wanted to dress as comfortably as I could. I don't know who's idea it was, but dh and I agreed to dress casually. So I wore a pair of those black sweats, tennis shoes, and maybe a sweater or a sweatshirt (?). I was kind of out of it from the medication, but I do remember feeling so embarrased that we had dressed down so much (he wore blue jeans, tennis shoes and either a sweater or sweatshirt) and no one else had. ETA: I want to clarify here that it was not so much about feeling bad about what other people thought, but that I was in pain physically and emotionally, and I realized that how I dressed was not helping my recovery, it was hindering, at least in my emotional recovery.

 

After that I resolved not to dress sloppily or frumpy again. I no longer wear sweats or t-shirts. I would wear sweats now if I can get some current styish ones. I shopped for some a few months back for some to work out in, but didn't find any in my price range. I'll have to look again. In place of the old style t-shirt, I now wear short sleeve shirts, but they are a feminine style & fit. They have scooped or v necks, different weaves than t-shirts, and often some sort of trim at the neckline, like buttons, embroidery, matching lace, or a satiny trim.

 

I often wear blue jeans (I currently have no other pants that fit me), but they're better than those old sweats. The jeans I have now I purchased at the thrift store--one pair was $3, and the other was $4, and one had it's store tag still, and the other felt and looked brand new. And they fit great.

 

I usually buy my shirts--short sleeve, 3/4 length sleeve & long sleeve--at Kohl's or JCPenny. I like the St. John's Bay shirts at JCPenny because they are often about $12 or less. We get JCPenny's sales flyer in the mail, and it sometimes has a $10 off coupon. There are usually a few restrictions, but I don't think it's ever restricted me from buying a St. John's Bay shirt. The last one I bought cost me $1.50 with tax and after the coupon. I bought two pairs of nylons there a couple of months ago for about $1.50 too, with a coupon (does anyone need size Queen short--turns out I need Queen tall, but can't find my receipt, so I don't think I can return them. Tried one leg in one pair, otherwise, never worn. Wonder if I can just do an exchange).

 

For makeup--I like to wear a little makeup every day. My lashes are fairly light colored--not blonde, but more like a light brown color that just disappears! So I always wear mascara. I also use a bronzy-brown eye color pencil. It's bigger than an eye liner pencil and easier to put on. I have an eye shadow that almost matches my skin color--that was an accident; I wanted a darker color--I put that on my lids just above the eye color pencil and only go up midway, just above the crease. It helps keep the eye color from bleeding all over the place, particularly into all the little creases that near-middle age is giving me.

 

One thing I've learned over the past few years in experimenting with makeup is that what looks fabulous on someone else will not necessarily look good on me. For example, I gave up on trying to put any sort of eye shadow all the way up to my eyebrows--it just looks ridiculous, even if I use that color that matches my skin.

 

I also don't wear blush. I just can't get it to look good on me. I've even had a sort of beauty training, and I can't apply blush, at least not on myself. I don't wear foundation, as it usually looks too thick, even when I wear the kind that's supposed to go on thin and match my skin color and all that. **Here's a tip for anyone who needs/wants it--I learned this at my "beauty training" and it solved a mystery for me as well--if your foundation seems to roll under your fingers as you're applying it, then you put on too much moisturizer. Either use less moisturizer, or use a lighter/thinner moisturizer, or wait several minutes before you apply your foundation. I was reminded of this the other day when I was applying foundation for a special event and it was rolling under my fingers. End of public service announcement.**

 

I wear lip balm all the time. My lips get really dry without it. I always keep a tube in my pocket (or purse if I'm dressed up and don't have a pocket). I have a couple of lip sticks that are close matches to my natural lip color, but just add a little bit more color so they don't look washed out.

 

Something you can do if you want--I took some empty lip balm tubes, a couple of lip balms I didn't like (scent, color, etc.), a bit of lip conditioner (comes in a lipstick tube), and a little bit of one of my favorite lip sticks. I scraped bits of each of these out of their nearly empty tubes into a little glass microwave safe bowl. I microwaved it for a few seconds at a time until it was melted. I stirred it together and poured it into the empty lip balm tubes (make sure you have them rolled all the way down). I put the caps on and put them in the fridge. I didn't know if it would work, but it did. I have new lip balms now. They are a cross between a traditional lip balm and a lipstick, so I can add a little color without worrying about overdoing it. You can easily customize how much color to add when you make your own.

Edited January 24, 2010 by gardening momma

[Peela]

Flylady was the one who got me out of baggy trackpants and oversized tshirts. She said get dressed to shoes- and dress nicely. It really makes you feel better and more motivated. Not that I dont appreciate a good day in track pants and oversized tshirts every now and then...but its an exception, not the rule nowadays.

 

It was also having a daughter- mine is also ringlets and all girly and feminine- not to mention now a stunning teen- that made me take notice and dress better. And the other day, my dd15 and I were out shopping and she told me she really liked it when I dressed nicely. (I told her I would take that nicely rather than take it the wrong way! :) )

 

I think the whole family likes to be proud of how the mum looks. My mother was always a large woman but she has always dressed herself very well, and even though I was conscious of her weight when I was a kid, I also remember just loving how she dressed- and I still do.

 

When my kids were small, I went and did a short grooming course at a modelling academy. I had no idea how to even file my nails properly. They showed us how to put on make up and how to take care of our skin...I was in my late 20s and I really didnt have a clue, and having kids somehow made my inner woman finally override my inner tomboy.

 

I would just play with it. Trust yourself, trust where you are being drawn, and play. I find my daughter great for opinions about how a certain outfit looks. Its less intimidating for me to ask her than to ask a girlfriend and even dh, although I do ask him too.

[Mrs Mungo]

Whenever this topic comes up I like to mention a conversation that my parents had.

 

My mom has a friend whose husband is *crazy* about Reba McEntire (I'm from Oklahoma :D ). My mom has never really seen the appeal so she asked my dad, "do you think Reba McEntire is really pretty?" My dad thought for a bit and said "well, I think she does the best she can with what she's got."

 

That's generally my goal-doing the best I can with what I've got and dressing appropriately for the activities of the day.

[AndyJoy]

You mentioned in your post that dyeing hair took time and money. I just wanted to emphasize that letting one's hair go grey is okay, a woman can still "look good".

 

But, if you feel better dyeing your hair, then go for it! :) My MIL and one of my favorite teachers have both said they will be redheads until their dying day so long as Revlon makes red hair dye. :D

 

My 72-year-old grandma is still a redhead thanks to some chemical help.:D My 55-year-old dad is completely gray. This drives Grandma crazy, and she says she won't let him introduce himself as her son when they are together because people will know how old she is! (As if they couldn't tell already :lol:)

[Melissa in St Louis]

Upon some deeper research (aka re-reading the article :lol:) I discovered that the woman meant that IF something was already on sale and IF that store has coupons THEN it MAY be cheaper to shop there than at Walmart or Goodwill. Probably true. All that stuck in my mind was "look at the clearance racks." Duh. Everything else in my original post was well-thought out. :D

[Melissa in St Louis]

My 72-year-old grandma is still a redhead thanks to some chemical help.:D My 55-year-old dad is completely gray. This drives Grandma crazy, and she says she won't let him introduce himself as her son when they are together because people will know how old she is! (As if they couldn't tell already :lol:)

 

That's a riot! :lol:

[OnTheBrink]

A few thoughts:

 

1) Your dh likes it when you dab on a little make up and dress a bit more girly, so I'd suggest asking HIM what he'd like to see you in. You said he's willing to let you spend a little money on it, so sit him down, tell him it's OK to be honest and let him suggest some things. Or, get a Penney's catalog or something and let him point out some tops or outfits he likes. Then, you have an idea of what makes him happy and you can get some things accordingly. I'm NOT saying you have to dress in every single thing he suggests, especially if it's something you're not comfy with. But, you'll get an idea of a style he likes and surely you can find something within that style that you'd like to wear.

 

2) Make up: The older I get, the less I like to year; I think make up can be modest if you don't splash it on like you're a Solid Gold dancer. So, IMHO, stay in the neutral shades (unless you actually ARE a Solid Gold dancer, then I can't help you. LOL). Stay away from glittery eye shadows or lip sticks, and stick with mattes and creams. You'll look more polished and girly without looking like a neon sign. Personally, I wear tinted moisturizer from Mary Kay, matte brown and tans and warm tawny eye shadows from Sephora and Nicole Miller, mascara from anywhere, and since I have no lips, I use a neutral liner and lipshade (such as Shell from MK). If I want to gussy up a bit, I might use a shiny lip gloss and add some eye liner, but that's rare, so I go with the very neutral, natural look and I'm comfortable with it. None of these things are horribly expensive. Go to the Westfield Mall on Manchester and visit the Sephora store. You can try all sorts of products and Sephora's store brand isn't very pricey. I'm uber cheap and I buy their products and have been happy with them. You don't need a whole tackle box of make up, either. Just a few products that shine you up a bit.

 

3) Clothes: I don't do thrift stores often, because things are so mishmashed and it takes so much time to find something. I typically hit mid-season clearance sales. Right now, everyone is pushing winter clothes because the spring stuff is coming out. Since I can wear long sleeved tops well into April, I always scoop up some good deals in January. I think some things are worth spending more on for the quality, some not. It depends on your needs. I'd rather spend money on decent shoes because if your feet hurt, it doesn't matter how good you look. It's important to me to have comfortable, supportive shoes, regardless of whether they're casual or dressy. In my closet are Crocs, Dr. Martens, New Balance, as well as cheap WM clogs, mid-priced casual shoes and expensive leather dress boots. But they all feel good on my feet and don't cause back aches. I'd rather pay more for a good bra and undies. If those don't fit right, nothing else will look good. I'd rather pay a bit more for something that fits well, than something cheaper that solves an immediate need, but is uncomfortable of ill-fitting.

 

Hope this helps a bit. :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

Hair: It takes me $8 and 30 minutes every 6 weeks to keep my hair color. I get a moderately pricey cut every six months. Because my hair is longer, and the cut is good, that lasts.

 

Make-up: I wear make-up every day. I spend under $10 per month and about 5 minutes a day.

 

Neither of these take much time at all.

 

As a pp said, I think the important thing is that it makes your dh happy. :001_smile: If you won't "waste" the time and money on yourself, do it for him.

[helena]

I have to live by a short set of beauty rules, or I start to look like a sea hag,and I get a little depressed.

1) As soon as something gets old, worn, torn, or stained it gets either thrown away or put in the donation bag.

2) I only let myself have one "period outfit":D. As in, an outfit that is so cozy, but should never see the light of day.

3) Sweats (tops and bottoms) have to be a flattering cut, and not look stretched out and tired.

4) No man sized tee shirts.

5) No ugly underwear, (or bras).

7) It's okay to use hair product, if you give it half an effort even a pony tail can look adorable.

8) Hair control... I know this isn't a problem for many women, but for those of us who have mega eyebrows, mustaches, and pelts of fur on our inner thighs... it's an issue. I think shaving, threading, waxing and plucking is a good thing.

9) Good skin care line, splurge if you must.

10) put a little dab of something behind your ears in the morning.

 

I agree with Kathleen in VA about how we present ourselves to each other is an act of kindness. I do believe it is an act of love. I also feel cleaning yourself up every morning is an act of gratitude to life. My days are profoundly different when I don't wake up and "do myself up". I'm way more positive and energetic.

Personally I love clothes, I love to shop. I buy my clothes at thrift stores and sale racks at my favorite stores.

I love heavy eye makeup :)

I wear an oil that drive my husband crazy :)

and my everyday earring are a pair of dangly gold hoops.

For me this is a cultural norm and wouldn't say anything bad about my morals or character.

 

When I was younger I shaved my head, and it was so interesting because I had such a wide range of reactions. I had an older man maybe in his 80s run after my to tell me how bold and beautiful I was. It was an interesting conversation. I also had a man, in the middle of a restaurant spit on me and tell me I was disgusting. I realized that for a lot of people there are a lot of deep feelings about woman, femininity, appearance etc. I had underestimated that power.

 

People react to what you look like all day long. If your over weight, there are people who judge you, if your skinny, people say stuff, makeup/no makeup people judge you. If you have a feeling in your heart about changing these things go for it, and have fun doing it. It feels good to look good.

[Blueridge]

Years ago, I listened to the wife of a visiting evangelist give the church ladies a talk on this subject. Her opinion was this: She said that when she dressed for the day, she dressed for her Lord and her husband. This is what I try to do as well. We can dress femininely to be attractive to our husbands and still be discrete and modest in the world. I buy most of my clothes at Goodwill, which has been a real blessing to our finances! If you go regularly and shop patiently, you will be amazed at the expensive clothing you can find in like-new condition. I went last week and found several Liz Claiborne blouses and skirts from Coldwater Creek and Orvis...for $3.00 each. I try to remember that my girls are watching, so I try to choose styles that are comfortable, the right colors for me, and things that will subtly catch my hubby's eye. ;)

[MeganW]

Y'all are really making me think. Pre-kids, I was 100% put together at all times. Always the one in the cute little Ann Taylor outfit. Even in shorts, I wore heeled sandals. Then I had triplets. I don't know that I have bought 5 articles of clothing since then (and you better believe my pre-kid clothing doesn't fit anymore!). Hand-me-downs & ratty tshirts are all I seem to own anymore. (I make sure my kids, on the other hand, look precious & well-cared for every day!)

 

Everyone ogles my kids everywhere we go ("are those TRIPLETS????") and I guess I have just assumed that people never look at me cause they are always starting at my kids like they have 3 heads.

 

My husband has commented numerous times about my wardrobe, and I just haven't done anything about it.

 

We aren't rich by any means, but we can afford for me to buy a few new things. That's going to be my goal for this week - cleaning out my closet of things with holes & stains and getting some new basics.

[BeckyFL]

The thread on the mother-in-law, the one on beauty and Kathleen's awesome short story have all joined together to create questions for me. My son is getting married this summer to a wonderful young lady. We don't know her well as he met her out of state, but she came here for visit last summer and I went out to spend a little time there. I think she is great. She loves God and she loves my son, so those are the 2 most important things in my book.

NOW my question.... When I see a great short story like Kathleen's, I want to send it to her and then I think stop. I sent it to my daughter, but I'm wondering if stories like that can NOT come from a mother-in-law.

Are there inherent things in the relationship that can cause hard feelings? Do I need to be careful of what I say so that it's not misconstrued in any way? I REALLY want to be a blessing and I want to have an amazing relationship with both of them without overstepping at all.

Is there some sort of how-to book for in-laws that will teach me how to be the best??? LOL? I need to have the guidelines spelled out for me.

[BeckyFL]

I should start a new thread - sorry!

[MeganW]

The thread on the mother-in-law, the one on beauty and Kathleen's awesome short story have all joined together to create questions for me. My son is getting married this summer to a wonderful young lady. We don't know her well as he met her out of state, but she came here for visit last summer and I went out to spend a little time there. I think she is great. She loves God and she loves my son, so those are the 2 most important things in my book.

NOW my question.... When I see a great short story like Kathleen's, I want to send it to her and then I think stop. I sent it to my daughter, but I'm wondering if stories like that can NOT come from a mother-in-law.

Are there inherent things in the relationship that can cause hard feelings? Do I need to be careful of what I say so that it's not misconstrued in any way? I REALLY want to be a blessing and I want to have an amazing relationship with both of them without overstepping at all.

Is there some sort of how-to book for in-laws that will teach me how to be the best??? LOL? I need to have the guidelines spelled out for me.

 

 

If I were you, I would not give ANY advice unless it is asked for, even in a roundabout way like that story. Especially about kids, when they come along.

 

My mother-in-law used to come in just start cleaning. She would always find something to clean, no matter how much I had cleaned before she got there. (Strange things like cleaning out from under my kitchen sink.) I was SO hurt about it - I thought she thought I wasn't doing a good job of keeping the house for her son! I later found out that she was just trying to help b/c she knew I was working long hours, but let me tell you I was hurt about it for a long time! Now she says "what can I do to help?" or "leave a list of things that you keep meaning to do but just can't get to on the fridge and if I have some time maybe I'll tackle one or two for you!". Much better! Sometimes she does something and sometimes she doesn't, and that's perfect! :)

[kmacnchs]

The thread on the mother-in-law, the one on beauty and Kathleen's awesome short story have all joined together to create questions for me. My son is getting married this summer to a wonderful young lady. We don't know her well as he met her out of state, but she came here for visit last summer and I went out to spend a little time there. I think she is great. She loves God and she loves my son, so those are the 2 most important things in my book.

NOW my question.... When I see a great short story like Kathleen's, I want to send it to her and then I think stop. I sent it to my daughter, but I'm wondering if stories like that can NOT come from a mother-in-law.

Are there inherent things in the relationship that can cause hard feelings? Do I need to be careful of what I say so that it's not misconstrued in any way? I REALLY want to be a blessing and I want to have an amazing relationship with both of them without overstepping at all.

Is there some sort of how-to book for in-laws that will teach me how to be the best??? LOL? I need to have the guidelines spelled out for me.

 

my mom ALWAYS asks me Qs like that about my SIL (do you think she would like it if/be offended if, Qs like you have) b/c my SIL and I are closer than my mom and my SIL. Other than asking your daughter (if she is closer to the DIL), ask your son (he knows her the best) and just be honest with her about what your intentions are - I'm sure she will appreciate your effort and kindness to her :)

[Guest mrs. logic]

 

Find your own beauty.

 

It doesn't have to be a dress to look pretty. What styles do you like?

 

I'm sort of a tomboy and feel best in jeans. When I'm going out I try to put on stylish shoes and do my hair and make up a bit. My husband always complements me when I wear a black t shirt.

 

You'll look the prettiest when you are COMFORTABLE with what you are wearing.

 

I don't know where you live but here we have great sales at Dillards and Kohls. I saw some really cute tops and blouses at Wal Mart today. Target has stylish clothing for reasonable prices.

 

You like jeans and Tshirts... just like me..... Two pairs of jeans and 4 Tshirts in fashionable colors will take you a long way.

 

Be very careful if you are feeling "convicted" to start dressing in a certain way. I personally think Christian women should be modest, but that doesn't mean Victorian or dresses only. :)

:iagree:

After serving/ministering to women for over 15 years this topic has come up frequently. We live in an "image society" where we are bombarded with images from television, magazines, newspapers and the internet. The images say "This is how you should look, this is how you should dress." I will even take it a step further to say this has overflown into the 21st Century church. I have spent countless hours talking with women who are so fixated on the external appearance that they have neglected to feed/nourish their spirit/soul.

May I suggest reading Proverbs 31 and contemplating on it for a while? This was something I did back when I was single and early 30 ish. Each week I selected a verse, copied it and pasted it to my bathroom mirror.

By the end of the chapter I realized "true beauty comes from within."

:grouphug:

[happyhomemaker25]

Can I just make one suggestion? When I turned 30 two years ago I was devestated. I have no idea why it was so hard for me. But it did. I went and bought myself some great and I mean GREAT bras (not always easy when your a big girl!) and nice underwear.

What a huge difference it made! I felt almost 100% better.

I now only buy tops that are a little form fitting. Not skin tight, but not baggy. I also like them to not be low cut, but if they are I have some pretty camisoles I can wear under them.

I'm telling you though investing in some GREAT bras (if your a big girl Cacique has the BEST!) has been where it was at for me!

[Melissa in St Louis]

Thank you ladies so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate each one of them. :grouphug:

 

Reading through all this and mulling it over last night and today, I've come to the realization that my biggest "hang up" was the fact that I had it in my head that taking care of myself, looking nice, spending money on myself = shallow, selfish, like I had money to burn and time to waste. Thank you for showing me another side. :001_smile:

 

Before I had children, I was ALWAYS well put together, full makeup, heels (like PP said, even with shorts!), hair immaculate. I can see how the last few years of holey t-shirts, unbrushed ponytails, and exhausted expressions could be seen as "not living up to my potential." HA!

Edited January 25, 2010 by Melissa in St Louis

[Guest mrs. logic]

Thank you ladies so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate each one of them. :grouphug:

 

Reading through all this and mulling it over last night and today, I've come to the realization that my biggest "hang up" was the fact that I had it in my head that taking care of myself, looking nice, spending money on myself = shallow, selfish, like I had money to burn and time to waste. Thank you for showing me another side. :001_smile:

 

Before I had children, I was ALWAYS well put together, full makeup, heels (like PP said, even with shorts!), hair immaculate. I can see how the last few years of holey t-shirts, unbrushed ponytails, and exhausted expressions could be seen as "not living up to my potential." HA!

:grouphug:

[coralloyd]

I haven't read every post. My opionon is, ask your hubby what he thinks looks feminine on you. Different people look good in different things. My dh would think I had lost my mind, if I wore a long skirt everyday. He likes it best when I look comfy, or in a suit. He likes me in makeup, but only if it looks natural. He is a good barometer for me.

[Jenny in GA]

Thanks for posting. I've been having thoughts about this recently as well.

 

I'll jump in before I read the other replies.

 

I recently lost my hair for about two years due to medical problems. It made me see beauty in a new way.

 

Before my hair grew back, I read a book called "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldridge. One thing that struck me was the idea that beauty is something created by God. They gave the example of sending flowers to someone when they're in the hospital. Beauty has power. It does good things. It is from God.

 

This really struck me. Usually people downplay beauty. It's shallow. It's "of the world." It's vanity. It's not important.

 

No. I think it is important.

 

I have no apology for trying to look beautiful. Even when I dress casually, I try to wear colors and styles that are particularly flattering.

 

It makes a big difference to my husband how I look, and no, I don't think that makes him a shallow jerk. I think that's how men are wired.

 

I've noticed that it seems like a lot of women, when they're in they're 40s or so, seem to ... I don't know, it's almost like they don't want to look pretty anymore. They cut their hair short. They gain weight. They wear sloppier clothes. I've wondered what that's all about. Do they feel that once you're a certain age, you can't look pretty and feminine anymore, so they don't bother? Is it a "badge" of "I'm such a good mother, I don't waste my time on my looks?"

 

Now I'll go read the other responses ...

[Melissa in St Louis]

Is it a "badge" of "I'm such a good mother, I don't waste my time on my looks?"

 

 

 

THIS! THIS is where I was with my thinking! Thank you for finally putting it into words for me!!!! :001_smile: Thank you for sharing your experience. :grouphug:

[6packofun]

The only femininity and beauty I'm interested in are the ones inside AND the ones that please my dh. And he sure isn't into Ma Ingalls or a Victorian ice queen with doily collar. So, whatever floats his boat is what I aim for on the outside and the inside is hopefully determined by what God says should be in there. :)

[lionfamily1999]

Thanks for posting. I've been having thoughts about this recently as well.

 

I'll jump in before I read the other replies.

 

I recently lost my hair for about two years due to medical problems. It made me see beauty in a new way.

 

Before my hair grew back, I read a book called "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldridge. One thing that struck me was the idea that beauty is something created by God. They gave the example of sending flowers to someone when they're in the hospital. Beauty has power. It does good things. It is from God.

 

This really struck me. Usually people downplay beauty. It's shallow. It's "of the world." It's vanity. It's not important.

 

No. I think it is important.

 

I have no apology for trying to look beautiful. Even when I dress casually, I try to wear colors and styles that are particularly flattering.

 

It makes a big difference to my husband how I look, and no, I don't think that makes him a shallow jerk. I think that's how men are wired.

 

I've noticed that it seems like a lot of women, when they're in they're 40s or so, seem to ... I don't know, it's almost like they don't want to look pretty anymore. They cut their hair short. They gain weight. They wear sloppier clothes. I've wondered what that's all about. Do they feel that once you're a certain age, you can't look pretty and feminine anymore, so they don't bother? Is it a "badge" of "I'm such a good mother, I don't waste my time on my looks?"

 

Now I'll go read the other responses ...

Have you always felt this way? I ask, because my mother is a new convert to the importance of physical beauty. It started when she was diagnosed with cancer and now she is all about her own looks. I was just wondering if there was a connection for you between the importance of looks and an illness that caused a change in your looks.

 

As for that last bit......... well I've always been pretty lazy about looks and dressing. It has nothing to do with badges or anything else, it just doesn't register on my radar. I'm not even thirty, yet, but I can assure you I know plenty of women over forty that never gave a rat's patootie over how they looked, although they would find your statement "...they don't want to look pretty..." offensive. I say that, because I most certainly did on first reading it. On reflection, it's still hurtful, but I am going to assume my definition of pretty and yours are from two different planets ;)

[Garga]

Before I had children, I was ALWAYS well put together, full makeup, heels (like PP said, even with shorts!), hair immaculate. I can see how the last few years of holey t-shirts, unbrushed ponytails, and exhausted expressions could be seen as "not living up to my potential." HA!

 

Uh oh! Your dh married this awesome, gorgeous, put-together woman, but now has a woman wearing holey shirts with her hair sticking up everywhere. :tongue_smilie: Oh dear!

 

I'm the opposite of you. I used to be scruffy and not put together, but now I am. (Dh is grateful!) It doesn't take a lot of money/effort. It really doesn't.

 

I only need about 2 pairs of jeans in the winter and 2 capris in the summer. I wear the same few tops/sweaters in the winter and the same few in the summer. You don't need a lot of clothes. Just find the ones you look awesome in. That's what the French do and look at their fashion! They just buy a few pieces that are amazing and wear them over and over and over...

 

Anyway, I feel soooooooooo much better throughout the day when I know I can look good in whatever situation I'm in. It just gives me a little confidence boost. I guess it comes from living in a culture where looking put-together is valued. It's not bad or good, it's just a value of this culture. No biggie.

 

Get yourself to Old Navy and get 2 pair of jeans in the latest styles. And some new boots to go with them. 3 black fitted turtlenecks and 3 new sweaters (on sale--in the newest style, where the sweater sleeves are short) to go over them, and you're done for this season.

 

If DH has asked for it--then go for it!

Edited January 25, 2010 by Garga

[dangermom]

When I was younger I shaved my head, and it was so interesting because I had such a wide range of reactions. I had an older man maybe in his 80s run after my to tell me how bold and beautiful I was. It was an interesting conversation. I also had a man, in the middle of a restaurant spit on me and tell me I was disgusting. I realized that for a lot of people there are a lot of deep feelings about woman, femininity, appearance etc. I had underestimated that power.

 

That's so interesting. I've always felt that a shaved head is really lovely and feminine. I guess I'm weird, but most of the time when I see a woman with a shaved head, I'm envious and think it's beautiful. (I'd do it, but you have to have the right kind of skull, and I don't. Sigh.)

[Guest MommaTED]

I didn't get a chance to read all the comments but I just want to say that if YOU are feeling like you should do something different, than you should. I got the same feeling once I turned 30. No, I wasn't buying into any kind of "turning 30" stigma. I just felt like I needed to start being more feminine. That meant that hubby had to spend some $$ and I was as giggly as a school girl over all the beautiful things that he bought me (all on discount sites and eBay is GREAT for this-yes it will take a little time to find good deals). As for make-up?? You can make your own for very cheap. Just google "how to ..." We have the money to buy make-up but I'm trying to get as far away from chemicals as I can and so I make a lot of my own stuff.

Don't over think it. Have fun with it. Your husband is probably thrilled even though I'm sure he loves you just as much with your hair pulled up in a bun and wearing sweats. ;) Overall, it will make you feel better too. I always feel more productive when I'm dressed. Not dressed up necessarily, just dressed. NOT in my pajamas or my cleaning clothes. During the week, a nice pair of jeans and a feminine top (not just a t-shirt) is good enough for me :) I save the dressing up for church and dh has to get there earlier than I do so I get to surprise him when I walk in looking hot :D

[Jenny in GA]

Have you always felt this way? I ask, because my mother is a new convert to the importance of physical beauty. It started when she was diagnosed with cancer and now she is all about her own looks. I was just wondering if there was a connection for you between the importance of looks and an illness that caused a change in your looks.

 

As for that last bit......... well I've always been pretty lazy about looks and dressing. It has nothing to do with badges or anything else, it just doesn't register on my radar. I'm not even thirty, yet, but I can assure you I know plenty of women over forty that never gave a rat's patootie over how they looked, although they would find your statement "...they don't want to look pretty..." offensive. I say that, because I most certainly did on first reading it. On reflection, it's still hurtful, but I am going to assume my definition of pretty and yours are from two different planets ;)

 

 

Yes, I think losing my hair, etc, did make me feel more strongly this way.

 

I cannot even describe how disgusting I felt all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night -- often -- and remember what I looked like and feel terrible.

 

I felt bad that my daughters had an "ugly mother." Someone mentioned how "people have to look at you." Well, my girls had to look at me all day, and it wasn't very pleasing to the eye.

 

Certainly my husband was disappointed in how I looked.

 

A couple times I ran into someone I knew at the store, and both times I felt so embarrassed and disgusting.

 

It affects everything, I think, when you look bad -- or don't look like yourself -- or don't look like you should, or however you want to put it.

 

Now about finding what I said offensive:

 

I was a little confused and surprised when I read that, because in the same sentence you said "...never gave a rat's patootie what they looked like." So why, then, would you or they be offended by "don't want to look pretty"? Isn't that the same thing? If you don't give a rat's patootie, why would that even bother you?

 

[i feel like I have to clarify my tone here. I'm not being argumentative or snotty. Nor am I when I ask ...]

 

I have another question -- for anybody, really.

 

For women who don't care about their looks, what do your husbands think of that? My husband would not be happy with me at all. Not only would he be disappointed that I didn't look nice, but he would wonder why his wife didn't want to make effort to look nice for him.

[Jenny in GA]

 

I think the whole family likes to be proud of how the mum looks. My mother was always a large woman but she has always dressed herself very well, and even though I was conscious of her weight when I was a kid, I also remember just loving how she dressed- and I still do.

 

 

I think this is true.

 

I also think that kids enjoy being with and looking at someone who looks nice. It does make a difference to kids.

 

I used to teach in the public schools, and I always made a point of looking as nice as I could for the kids. Even on "teacher jeans day," I rarely wore them, even when I was pregnant. I figured they're looking at me all day; they should like what they have to look at!

 

They definitely notice. They definitely prefer it when you look nice.

 

I remember a friend of mine, when we were in eighth grade, commented to me about one of our teachers: "Have you ever noticed that Mrs. Mackey always wears dresses? I like that. It shows that she really cares about her job."

 

I want my family to know that I care, too.

[lionfamily1999]

Yes, I think losing my hair, etc, did make me feel more strongly this way.

 

I cannot even describe how disgusting I felt all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night -- often -- and remember what I looked like and feel terrible.

 

I felt bad that my daughters had an "ugly mother." Someone mentioned how "people have to look at you." Well, my girls had to look at me all day, and it wasn't very pleasing to the eye.

 

Certainly my husband was disappointed in how I looked.

 

A couple times I ran into someone I knew at the store, and both times I felt so embarrassed and disgusting.

 

It affects everything, I think, when you look bad -- or don't look like yourself -- or don't look like you should, or however you want to put it.

(I'm breaking it up, because we're having two different conversations and it's easier for me this way ;) )

 

My mother could have posted that, nearly verbatim, except she lost her breasts, permanently. Now that she is so sure she looks disgusting what she has missed is that none of us, her family, care. My dad was just grateful she survived, we kids, just glad to have her, the grandkids could not have cared LESS about how she looked, they were just glad she was out of the hospital. I could be wrong, I have known people that were (I would put shallow here, I don't know a nicer way to put it. They DO care about the inside, but the outside IS terribly important to them) enough to be bothered by looks after having faced losing the whole package. Those folks are, ime, few and far between. Sweety, you are ALIVE. That is more beautiful than any set of flowing locks I've ever seen.

Now about finding what I said offensive:

 

I was a little confused and surprised when I read that, because in the same sentence you said "...never gave a rat's patootie what they looked like." So why, then, would you or they be offended by "don't want to look pretty"? Isn't that the same thing? If you don't give a rat's patootie, why would that even bother you?

 

[i feel like I have to clarify my tone here. I'm not being argumentative or snotty. Nor am I when I ask ...]

 

I have another question -- for anybody, really.

 

For women who don't care about their looks, what do your husbands think of that? My husband would not be happy with me at all. Not only would he be disappointed that I didn't look nice, but he would wonder why his wife didn't want to make effort to look nice for him.

To the first part, because not caring is different from being ugly. You can 'not care' about your handwriting, having it never really register on your radar, part of that is that it's effective, passable, it works. I rarely see women that are made up and think, 'wow she's pretty.' I'm more likely to see someone that has nice features, or a good smile, or they have a really good heart and you can see it shine through. Like I said, my pretty is probably very different from yours. Eye of the beholder and all that. That being said, being called out with 'don't you even care...' means something completely different to me (I hope). You see, even if there are times when I can't shower, I do stay clean. I'm not walking around (typically) with unbrushed hair, or stinky pits, or dirt on my face. I'm clean, I keep myself tidy, I brush my teeth and hair. I try to keep a positive outlook. I don't look in the mirror much, as I said before it's not on my radar, but having it chucked onto my radar with a snide and negative comment is hurtful, it is offensive. A thin model may not worry about her weight (if she has my dh's metabolism), but let one person make a mean comment and she will.

 

As to the rest, this is getting wordy, isn't it? I think you're coming from the idea that "we" (yes, I'm taking the lead of my tribe :lol:) made ourselves up from the beginning. Nope. I've worn makeup a few times in my life. It's funny, for me, to put some on and dress up. I feel like a kid, but I know there are times when it's nearly a requirement. Sort of like ditching my jeans and t-shirt for a skirt. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Dh likes when I put on makeup for him. He thinks it is a riot, because I've never been one to wear makeup. The days when he comes home and I've chopped most of my hair off get a rise out of him. Not because he thinks I'm trying to "look good" for him, but because it's something different. He loved me in jeans and t-shirts, without makeup, from the beginning and he sees my efforts from a different pov. He sees our kids and what they're learning and... well... I think he sees my cooking the way your dh sees your appearance. If I make something that took no effort, dh feels put-out (don't you love me enough to try?). He'd rather have a really sorry muffalata that I put effort into than a fashion plate :)

[The Girls' Mom]

I went through this a few years ago. Not the wanting to wear a dress, but wanting to look better. I look back at pictures and I'm horrified. (I still am with recent ones, but it has more to do with my weight..lol) I was a 20-something dressing like a grandma.

 

Anyway, I found that feminine cut t-shirts in cute colors and some stylish jeans go a LONG way. I bought a flat iron and got a cut that tamed my frizzy, frumpy hair. I don't color it...I'm letting the gray have it's way...but I do keep it styled neatly. (most days) I only wear makeup on Sundays or if we go out somewhere nice. I just do not see the need for it most days, and it's very hard on my skin.

 

I DO shop at thrift stores, and we all have some very nice name brand clothes that I paid less than $10 a piece for.

 

I think what you do, or how much you spend matters much less than just simply putting in some effort to take care of yourself.

 

It is hard to keep myself from getting into the "I don't care" mode. Especially since my dh works from home, and we are ALL at home all day. It's easy to walk around in PJ's and bed head. :) But I have tried to make us all get dressed and groomed every day. We all seem to feel better when we do.

[prim*rose]

I have a friend who is a fashionista, who tried to show me how to dress better. She highly recommends this book - What You Wear Can Change Your Life, and it's only $1 or so used on Amazon. It's not so much about the brand of clothing, but the style & color. And if you find a brand you absolutely love and know what size you are, you can always check ebay, too.

[Rosy]

I only got through about 3 pages of this...but my thought is that it is right to do your best with your outward appearance. Yes, God judges the heart, but we live in a world where man *does* judge the outward appearance and I think we should do whatever is reasonable to make our outward appearance the best it can be, for the purpose of removing barriers that would discourage relationships. Most people are more drawn to someone whose eyes sparkle than someone whose eyes are dull or tired. This comes mostly from your attitude, but a little eye makeup can enhance it. Most people are more drawn to someone energetic, which comes from how you live your life and carry yourself, but well-fitting, clean clothes can enhance that. Most people are drawn to a pretty smile...and my smile is prettier when I brush my teeth and put on a little lipstick.

 

The Bible says our beauty should come from the inward person...it never says don't put any effort into making our outward appearance a reflection of the glory of God.

 

And I'm not talking about coloring hair, getting nails done, designer clothes...my rule of thumb is clean clothes that fit and aren't worn, hair that looks nice or is pulled back, simple makeup in mostly neutral colors, etc. As others have said, this doesn't cost much money--a few nice tops and cute skirts (if that's what you like) or jeans from the thrift store or sale rack, lipstick, mascara, and some hairstyling products can easily cost you less than $100.

 

Finally, I think it means more to a man to have a beautiful wife than we realize. Fortunately, they don't judge beauty the way we do! If your husband is asking for you to put a little time into your appearance, I think any positive changes will go a long way toward making him happy. :)

[Jenny in GA]

 

My mother could have posted that, nearly verbatim, except she lost her breasts, permanently. Now that she is so sure she looks disgusting what she has missed is that none of us, her family, care. My dad was just grateful she survived, we kids, just glad to have her, the grandkids could not have cared LESS about how she looked, they were just glad she was out of the hospital.

 

 

Really?

 

I don't disbelieve you, but I do find it surprising.

 

To me, a person's God-given beauty being destroyed by disease is sad and disappointing.

 

My husband was disappointed that my looks changed for the worse. He was kind enough to rarely say it, but I could tell, and he did admit it once, only because I was crying about how horrible it was and how I hated that I couldn't look nice for him.

 

I think my daughters cared too. Whenever they saw older pictures of me, they would say, "That was when you had long hair ..." so at the very least, they noticed. It appeared that they were saying it in a kind of longing, admiring way, although I could be wrong.

[Jenny in GA]

 

I don't look in the mirror much, as I said before it's not on my radar, but having it chucked onto my radar with a snide and negative comment is hurtful, it is offensive. A thin model may not worry about her weight (if she has my dh's metabolism), but let one person make a mean comment and she will.

 

I think you're coming from the idea that "we" (yes, I'm taking the lead of my tribe :lol:) made ourselves up from the beginning. Nope.

 

 

I never said (or thought) that you or anybody else must have made yourself up from the beginning.

 

I know there are many women who have never made themselves up and never intend to.

 

What I said in a previous post was that I've known many women who used to look cute and feminine and pretty, but seemed to "let themself go" for whatever reason. Usually I see this in a masculine haircut, weight gain, and sometimes sloppy clothes. It's common enough for me to wonder why that is.

 

Actually, now that I'm typing it again, I'm wondering if sometimes (not always, maybe not even often) it's a passive-aggressive thing toward a husband: "I'm frustrated with you for whatever reason, so I'm going to make you suffer slightly by taking away something that's important to you -- having a pretty wife."

 

I've been thinking all morning about how you took my comment about this as snide and offensive. I'm sorry that I caused you to feel hurt.

 

But here's what I'm also thinking: I have no idea who you are or what you look like, so I couldn't possibly comment on you being ugly, or pretty, or whatever. So it's still a little surprising to me that you felt offended. You know what you look like. I don't. I didn't even know that you existed when I wrote the original comment. If you feel like you look nice, and your husband likes how you look, I'm not sure what the problem is.

[Guest Katia]

I've noticed that it seems like a lot of women, when they're in they're 40s or so, seem to ... I don't know, it's almost like they don't want to look pretty anymore. They cut their hair short. They gain weight. They wear sloppier clothes. I've wondered what that's all about. Do they feel that once you're a certain age, you can't look pretty and feminine anymore, so they don't bother? Is it a "badge" of "I'm such a good mother, I don't waste my time on my looks?"

 

 

What I said in a previous post was that I've known many women who used to look cute and feminine and pretty, but seemed to "let themself go" for whatever reason. Usually I see this in a masculine haircut, weight gain, and sometimes sloppy clothes. It's common enough for me to wonder why that is.

 

Actually, now that I'm typing it again, I'm wondering if sometimes (not always, maybe not even often) it's a passive-aggressive thing toward a husband: "I'm frustrated with you for whatever reason, so I'm going to make you suffer slightly by taking away something that's important to you -- having a pretty wife."

 

When I first read this, I was offended as well. It sounds nasty and very judgmental, and then I realized that you are probably a young woman who doesn't have the experience of age and life and so simply doesn't understand. Then, your statement came across as comical to me, because youth and inexperience can sometimes be amusing to the elderly.

 

As a young woman, I liked to look pretty, but my definition of pretty then as a 20 to mid-30yo was very different to what I see pretty now as a 50-something woman.

 

Back then, I had to have a popular, stylish hair cut (oh and long was best because don't all men like long hair?) that I spent time blow-drying and styling. Lots of products went into my hair. And I wouldn't leave the house without full make-up. Clothes were whatever was the current fashion. I looked good and I knew I looked good. Oh, and....heels. At least 3 inch heels. (this seems so funny to me now that I'm actually giggling out loud as I type this :D)

 

But somewhere along the way, life happened. I grew up. I realized that people didn't love me because of how 'pretty' I was, but because of 'who' I was. So, whether or not I spent hours on my face and hair or not, my kids still loved me. Yes, they thought mommy looked pretty when I dressed up for a special occasion, but if I did it every day? They thought I was nuts. And said so, lol.

 

And dh? Some men really prefer natural beauty. When I did the all-out make-up and hair he would politely ask me to please wash my face and take a shower to get rid of all the hair gunk and perfumey, smelly stuff. He loved me to wear his shirts....he thought that was really sexy. Having a 'pretty wife' means something very different to him than what you are referring to above when you mention passive-aggressive punishment. Once again, that point of view is totally through your own, young eyes.

 

I finally realized that putting on make-up and doing my hair all the time wasn't who I was growing up to be, that my dh didn't like it, and that I simply didn't like it anymore. It looked unnatural and false. I like a fresh, clean face; on me and on other people. I like hair that is trimmed, clean and natural. I can't stand products of any kind. They look so......gross/sticky/slimy. And a shorter hair-cut is easier to manage than long hair that I just have to pony or clip back to keep out of my face anyhow.

 

And 'fashionable' clothing? It's ok if it's comfortable, but if it's not I ditch it. I've worn the fashionable but uncomfortable stuff for years and years; now I can wear what *I* want. Sloppy? Maybe to a young, fashion-minded gal, but to me.....not at all.

 

Do I look 'cute' like I did when I was in my 20's? Nope. And I don't try because.....I'm not 20-something.

 

But do I look pretty as a 50-something? In my eyes (which btw, are the only eyes that count) yes, I do. I am happy and healthy. My hair is well-cut, clean and totally natural. I wear very light and natural make-up when I go to a special event or church, or even an out-of-town shopping trip, but I like my clean, natural face the best. I wear clean, no-holes clothing in styles and colors that I like and that I am comfortable in.

 

And, I feel very feminine, whether a young gal would think I look feminine is another story all together, LOL. But, I haven't "let myself go"; I have grown-up and changed my standards of 'pretty' and 'feminine'. The "badge" is that I'm old enough to have confidence in my own natural beauty and in my self-worth as a person, not an object that should look a certain way.

 

And the weight gain? Hmmm, just wait until you are through menopause, then come back and talk to me about that, ok?

 

So, I think it's an issue of age and tastes. Personally, when I see young women that have their faces made up and hair all 'fixed', heels and dressed fancy for a regular home-day, I think that they don't like themselves very much and are trying to hide who they really are. Does that mean that is what they are doing? No. But that's what I see.

 

And just because you see older woman who you think have "let themselves go" and no longer care to look "pretty" does it mean that is in reality what has happened? No. That's just what you see.

 

We all see things differently. The trick is to not judge but to love and accept people for who they are at any given time in their life's journey.

[AngelBee]

Melissa,

I really like your post and think there is a lot of value to what you are saying. Looking nice makes us feel better and changes our attitudes for the better.

 

About 4 years ago, I came to the realization that I needed to do something about my wardrobe. I had been pregnant every other year for 14 years,my last two babies had been big "spitters", my pregnant and nursing days were over and everything I had was stretched and stained. For over a decade, my only accessory had been my current baby. I checked a book out of the library about wardrobe and followed its suggestions...(sorry I don't remember the name of the book).

 

- I got rid of anything that was damaged (I kept 2 pairs of pants for gardening and/or painting, and 1 shirt for painting)

-I got rid of anything that was uncomfortable

-I got rid of anything that didn't fit - even if I hoped to get back into it.

 

I literally cleaned out about 70% of my closet and realized that what was left was what I was actually wearing. I quickly realized that getting rid of the clothes I wasn't wearing allowed me to buy things that I actually would wear. For instance, while shopping I would talk myself out of a white turtleneck because "I had one at home", but in reality the sleeves were too short and the shoulder seams were irritating so I never wore it.! Having it gone allowed me to buy one I would actually wear.

 

For me, the hardest thing was finding a "Mom at home" style. Most books about clothing emphasize professional work wardrobes. I don't think you have to wear skirts all the time to be feminine. Sometimes all it takes is a cute pink T-shirt and a necklace. Determine an "at home style" you can live with and work in, and also,find out what your husband likes. I felt better just trading in my old, stained, baggy, crew neck T-shirts for bright-colored, slightly-fitted, V-necks. I have a quick "at home" make-up routine that just brightens me up a bit, but is not as involved as if I'm going out...tinted moisturizer, bronzer, tinted lipgloss, and (sometimes) light eyeliner.

 

I have learned to buy a few clothes I love and a few more accessories to add variety. I can wear the same shirt every week to co-op and change the look with a necklace, then a scarf, then a jacket. It doesn't have to cost much. I get most of my accessories at Target or Kohl's on sale.

 

My husband really likes the change and I can tell my kids like it when I look nicer at home. Have fun!:)

 

Leanna

Your post really blessed me. Thank you :)

[Ginevra]

After 9 pages of replies, surely my post is not going to matter much, but I wanted to speak to it anyway.

 

I feel that it is important to look nice, to look as good as I can. I believe that it is a great boost for myself, it makes dh proud and pleased and it models excellance to my kids. I treat my SAHM/homeschooling status just as I would a paid employer. I get up, I exercise, I shower, I dress, I fix my hair and I put on makeup (not a lot, but enough to improve what's there). I don't have expensive clothing and I don't care the teeniest bit about brand name, but I dress in clothing that fits me and that is a color and style that is pretty and practical. I mostly wear jeans and simple shirts, except for church or date night.

 

Before we had kids, I worked in a law firm. It was part of the expectations of that setting that I would dress nice and look put-together every day. I feel that dh deserves that same honor. Certainly I should care as much about looking nice for him as I did when I dressed for lawyers, right?

[Jenny in GA]

... then I realized that you are probably a young woman who doesn't have the experience of age and life and so simply doesn't understand. Then, your statement came across as comical to me, because youth and inexperience can sometimes be amusing to the elderly.

 

Once again, that point of view is totally through your own, young eyes.

 

And the weight gain? Hmmm, just wait until you are through menopause, then come back and talk to me about that, ok?

 

And just because you see older woman who you think have "let themselves go" and no longer care to look "pretty" does it mean that is in reality what has happened? No. That's just what you see.

 

 

 

Hey, thanks for the compliment!:laugh: It's nice to hear that someone thinks I'm young.

 

And I actually went through menopause two years ago.

[Guest Katia]

Hey, thanks for the compliment!:laugh: It's nice to hear that someone thinks I'm young.

 

And I actually went through menopause two years ago.

 

Darling, compared to me, you are very young! I went through menopause 10 years ago, LOL! Enjoy being young. I'm enjoying being a young(ish) old person. :D

Edited January 25, 2010 by Katia
Edited to get rid of an extra quote that I'm not sure how it got there?? I'm too old to figure it out.

[lionfamily1999]

Really?

 

I don't disbelieve you, but I do find it surprising.

 

To me, a person's God-given beauty being destroyed by disease is sad and disappointing.

 

My husband was disappointed that my looks changed for the worse. He was kind enough to rarely say it, but I could tell, and he did admit it once, only because I was crying about how horrible it was and how I hated that I couldn't look nice for him.

 

I think my daughters cared too. Whenever they saw older pictures of me, they would say, "That was when you had long hair ..." so at the very least, they noticed. It appeared that they were saying it in a kind of longing, admiring way, although I could be wrong.

I understand you feeling this way and I could understand your husband being shocked... at first, but I'm truly surprised that it would matter to him at all after that. Your daughters would, of course, remember you with hair, we date some pictures as pre-cancer through a similar method. That does not mean they find you any less beautiful now than then. If so, then we really are from different planets :lol:

I never said (or thought) that you or anybody else must have made yourself up from the beginning.

 

I know there are many women who have never made themselves up and never intend to.

 

What I said in a previous post was thatE I've Yknown Emany women Owho Fused to look Tcute Hand Efeminine and pretty, Bbut Eseemed Hto "Olet Lthemself Dgo" Efor Rwhatever reason. Usually I see this in a masculine haircut, weight gain, and sometimes sloppy clothes. It's common enough for me to wonder why that is.

 

Actually, now that I'm typing it again, I'm wondering if sometimes (not always, maybe not even often) it's a passive-aggressive thing toward a husband: "I'm frustrated with you for whatever reason, so I'm going to make you suffer slightly by taking away something that's important to you -- having a pretty wife."

 

I've been thinking all morning about how you took my comment about this as snide and offensive. I'm sorry that I caused you to feel hurt.

 

But here's what I'm also thinking: I have no idea who you are or what you look like, so I couldn't possibly comment on you being ugly, or pretty, or whatever. So it's still a little surprising to me that you felt offended. You know what you look like. I don't. I didn't even know that you existed when I wrote the original comment. If you feel like you look nice, and your husband likes how you look, I'm not sure what the problem is.

It was your description of someone that does not take care of how they appear (ie hair, makeup, fashion, etc). But, again, we are apparently polar opposites where this is concerned. I see rudeness, thoughtlessness, and a host of other mean/negative things in what you're typing and you must not. Suffice it to say, judging a group of people you obviously know very little about is neither wise nor kind.

[gardening momma]

When I first read this, I was offended as well. It sounds nasty and very judgmental, and then I realized that you are probably a young woman who doesn't have the experience of age and life and so simply doesn't understand. Then, your statement came across as comical to me, because youth and inexperience can sometimes be amusing to the elderly.

You're elderly? ;)

 

 

And dh? Some men really prefer natural beauty. When I did the all-out make-up and hair he would politely ask me to please wash my face and take a shower to get rid of all the hair gunk and perfumey, smelly stuff.

I don't think anyone here has said a woman needs to gob on the makeup and hair gunk in order to look nice, or that that is what a woman needs to do or else she's let herself go.

 

My hair is well-cut, clean and totally natural. I wear very light and natural make-up when I go to a special event or church, or even an out-of-town shopping trip, but I like my clean, natural face the best. I wear clean, no-holes clothing in styles and colors that I like and that I am comfortable in.

This is good--this is not "letting yourself go", so when posters talk about women who do, they're not talking about you.

[Ginevra]

To me, a person's God-given beauty being destroyed by disease is sad and disappointing.

 

Jenny, I agree with you, on more counts than just this one quote. My SIL, who is a very beautiful woman, went through breast cancer last year. At first, she had a "tough" aspect to her, but it changed when the mastectomy reconstruction had to be removed due to infection. Once she was (in her words) "fat, flat and bald", it *did something* to her spirit. She felt very ugly and unfeminine. Once, someone mistook her for a man and I think that was devastating for her.

 

It is sad for disease to destroy beauty. She is working back to her former appearance, but I can tell it damaged her in certain ways. Yes, she is grateful to be alive, but I know she also wants a feminine figure and pretty hair and eyelashes again.

[2squared]

I've noticed that it seems like a lot of women, when they're in they're 40s or so, seem to ... I don't know, it's almost like they don't want to look pretty anymore. They cut their hair short. They gain weight. They wear sloppier clothes. I've wondered what that's all about. Do they feel that once you're a certain age, you can't look pretty and feminine anymore, so they don't bother? Is it a "badge" of "I'm such a good mother, I don't waste my time on my looks?"

 

I get what you are saying. Some women mature into their beauty (whatever that means to you) and some women almost lose their beauty. I think the women who lose their beauty are the ones who don't feel beautiful anymore. I could go either way at this point, and the beauty/feminity thing has been on my heart lately. I want to be and feel beautiful, but I think I have a little work to do. :)

[Sputterduck]

I've noticed that it seems like a lot of women, when they're in they're 40s or so, seem to ... I don't know, it's almost like they don't want to look pretty anymore. They cut their hair short. They gain weight. They wear sloppier clothes. I've wondered what that's all about. Do they feel that once you're a certain age, you can't look pretty and feminine anymore, so they don't bother? Is it a "badge" of "I'm such a good mother, I don't waste my time on my looks?"

 

How dare they! How dare they cut their hair short. And allow themselves to gain some weight? Shocking. And sloppier clothes? I can't imagine what they are thinking! *sarcasm*

[helena]

So, I think it's an issue of age and tastes. Personally, when I see young women that have their faces made up and hair all 'fixed', heels and dressed fancy for a regular home-day, I think that they don't like themselves very much and are trying to hide who they really are. Does that mean that is what they are doing? No. But that's what I see.

 

We all see things differently. The trick is to not judge but to love and accept people for who they are at any given time in their life's journey.

:confused:

You've excluded loads of women on this forum from having a valid point of view, I may be reading this wrong but it seems like you've trivialized their opinion because they're younger than you?

 

I'm getting ready to hit 40, I look great, I feel great, I'm thin, I look young, I'm fashionable, I'm not a drag of an old bitty, but you are right I am trying to hide something. I'm using very expensive (and therapeutic) make up to cover sores and dark markings on my face. My haircut is expensive (though I've got a killer silver chunk of hair growing out of my bangs), my husband gladly pays the money, because it looks so good, and truth be told I could lose it all at any point now. :crying: so sad. I wear a size 4, and I don't work out, I've even got some great curvy action going on. But when women jokingly call me a skinny b*tch, or comment that only an anorexic could pull of skinny jeans (similar comments have been made here) the truth is there are many times I look that way because I can't eat, and I'm throwing up from Lupus.

To me waking up in the morning putting on all that cr*p you described, is an act of HOPELESS OPTIMISM :D.

There are days where my husband looks at me, and I see this look..

It's like his heart sinks, he knows at that moment, just how sick I am. I hate it. It confirms something I'd like to avoid, that I am ill, and even with my (within reason) go-go attitude, I have my limits and despite my happiness I am incredibly vulnerable. There are days I slip away from friends family, classes, commitments etc. I don't want people to see me in my darkest state, it's not pride though its wanting to be private and to quietly heal. The make up and clothes isn't me running from the aging process, in fact I am deeply offended when people make that assumption, I am a lover of life, I take everything life has to offer. I do it because it's FUN! :)

Sure my husband loves me au naturale. He's a guy, he likes it all for the most part. But he LOVES it when I get all dolled up, he takes it as I still give a you know what! I don't see how anybody here can deny that there are gobs of women who have totally given up, their looks stink, their attitude stinks, and most likely their husbands don't think it's awesome. It doesn't matter what size you wear, how old or young you are, it doesn't matter if your a jean and tee shirt kind of girl, to me it's about a good attitude, not looking like a slob, and not taking cheap shots at each other. There's enough room for all us girls! Yeah even the hopeless slobs, I love those ladies too. :)

[Heather in Neverland]

When I first read this, I was offended as well. It sounds nasty and very judgmental, and then I realized that you are probably a young woman who doesn't have the experience of age and life and so simply doesn't understand.

 

Personally, when I see young women that have their faces made up and hair all 'fixed', heels and dressed fancy for a regular home-day, I think that they don't like themselves very much and are trying to hide who they really are.

 

 

We all see things differently. The trick is to not judge but to love and accept people for who they are at any given time in their life's journey.

 

I'm sorry, but these 3 parts of your post contradict each other. You were offended by her statement calling it nasty and judgmental but then you did the very same thing. I LOVE getting all done up for no other reason than I like the way I look...I am not "young" as I am about to turn 40...and I am NOT hiding who I really am...I do not have some tragic case of low self esteem. Your comment was just as judgmental as hers was.

[Jill- OK]

For women who don't care about their looks, what do your husbands think of that? My husband would not be happy with me at all. Not only would he be disappointed that I didn't look nice, but he would wonder why his wife didn't want to make effort to look nice for him.

 

...that a marriage would be built on something more than that.

 

I mean, I like to look nice, I like nice things (clothes, shoes)...but I spend WAAAY less time on myself than I did when I was twenty.

 

And I think that's a good thing.

 

Sure, some women could be looking sloppy on purpose, as a sort of "badge of honor"...but some could actually have different priorities now, and less time to do. it. all.

 

My husband has different priorities, too. He likes it when I take time to look nice, but he also likes me taking care of the kids, and sometimes that involves a little more focus on them, rather than me. When it gets out of balance, we change that, but it's bound to happen, when you're mothering a gang of kids.

 

Special effort every now and then is good in many areas, for many reasons. But undue focus on appearances isn't healthy, in my opinion.

 

Like almost everything else in life, I think there's a balance. There's a time to wonder, "Hey, don't you want me to be attracted to you, anymore?" and there's a time to be attracted to the person inside, and love them no matter what.

 

Especially if they gave their body/looks in the interest of providing you with heirs. :D

 

JMO.

[Mrs Mungo]

Special effort every now and then is good in many areas, for many reasons. But undue focus on appearances isn't healthy, in my opinion.

 

Sorry, but I don't think that's what is being suggested here. Sure, if someone was suggesting working out 3 hours a day and/or undergoing plastic surgery to keep your 20 year old body (cough*Madonna*cough), I would agree. I certainly don't weigh what I did when I got married. Part of that is kids, part is getting older, part is the fact I was underweight at the time. However, I do try to take care of myself, I workout for 30-45 minutes per day and we try to keep an active lifestyle (swimming, kayaking, hiking, etc).

 

But general upkeep? I spend 5 minutes on my hair, 10 minutes to do my make-up and I don't think it takes me any longer to put on a decent outfit than it takes to put on sweats and a grungy t-shirt. Today, I'm wearing a skirt like this (I'm not as tall as the model, so it isn't that short on me, lol) and a t-shirt with a little detail and feminine shape. I also like wearing fun jewelry, it makes you look like you made a lot more effort when you only made a teeny bit more effort.

 

Like almost everything else in life, I think there's a balance. There's a time to wonder, "Hey, don't you want me to be attracted to you, anymore?" and there's a time to be attracted to the person inside, and love them no matter what.

 

Especially if they gave their body/looks in the interest of providing you with heirs. :D

Like I said in my original post, I may not be the prettiest or thinnest, I may not have the best hair or whatever but I *do* think I owe it to myself and my husband to do the best I can with what I've got.

 

I *don't* necessarily think these women are lazy or passive aggressive. I think most of them have just given up. Rage, rage against the dying of the light, people!

Edited January 25, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[AngelBee]

I think I am lost......