Courting? Dating? Young teen. . . I need a plan!

[StephanieZ]

My plan was always no boys 'till you are 25, then you can only date someone as perfect as Daddy. . .

 

Apparently, this was unrealistic, lol.

 

My oldest, darling soontobe13 dd, has a sweetheart. It is very innocent. Nice boy. Great family, family friends, shared values, hs'ing, etc. He's one year older -- nearly 14. This is a first for the both of them. They're both very sheltered and innocent but are both "growing up" lately. . . They are both great, gentle, kind kids.

 

I've known the boy had a crush for the last year or so (could tell) but now there is reciprocity and recently some hand-holding. . .

 

On the one hand, I think this is awfully sweet. On the other hand, I am in a blind panic. (That second hand is rather powerful!)

 

Dd is talking to me (yay!!) and I talked to the other Mom (on the sly of course), who is as flabbergasted as I am. We agree on supervision, etc. and we will keep talking and her husband will have some talks with the boy. . . So, that is started. . .

 

But, I just am at a loss here. I don't have a solid plan! I need more of a plan!!

 

I've read so many great books on raising kids. . . I need some on raising teens! I need some guidelines for dating, courting, supervision, etc. -- with the aim of maintaining communication, respect all around, self control, etc.

 

I don't want to be unrealistic about this and I don't know that I actually want to impose *rules* on dd about what she can do with her own body. I have worked hard to teach my kids that they alone own their bodies and I don't want to muddy that or shut down communication. . .

 

I need some steps, some books, some kind of plan. . .

 

Tips from Moms who've BTDT???!!!???!!!

[IsabelC]

Eeeek :001_huh:

 

I can't really advise you because my girls are only 4 and 1yo (and tbh the idea of a grotty teenage boy touching them is repugnant to me :lol:)

 

So I'm just replying to send you a big :grouphug:

You sound like a lovely caring mom, and I'm sure you will manage to give your teen firm guidance but in a gentle and respectful way. The good lines of communication between you, your daughter and the boy's family are a good start. Now you (and her father) just need to set some boundaries and me sure she understands that you're doing it to help her.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Hotdrink

[Peela]

Well I know a lot of people here have very strong plans and I respect that...but my own idea has been to "wait and see" and deal with issues as they come up. And that has felt right for us. Dd15 has had a few crushes and experimented with having a "boyfriend", most of which she barely got to see. Nothing seemed serious at all and I didnt interfere.

Then, a month ago, she got the real thing. She and a young man from Scouts have a fairly serious connection now. She is 15, mature, he is 18 months older (just 17) and the truth is I couldn't wish for a better young man either. She is not allowed in his car (he just got his license). He is respectful toward her.

I am secular. I have rules around it all- they can go into her bedroom as long as they leave the door wide open. She visits his place- about an hour away on public transport, and I trust the situation there.

 

I suggest you don't really need to work it all out ahead of time. Deal with it as it comes up. I feel what is happening in my family is a natural unfolding. Dd15 is behaving responsibly with it. I see no need to get in the way too much, beyond making it simply clear that its better to "wait" for a physical relationship, and we are clear that we insist on that. Dds boyfriend knows we are fiercely protective of her and seems to really respect that.

 

However my family's values may not be yours, of course. But if your child already has a "friend"...it may cause more harm than good to stop it if it is sweet and innocent.

[Erica in PA]

My plan was always no boys 'till you are 25, then you can only date someone as perfect as Daddy. . .

 

Apparently, this was unrealistic, lol.

 

My oldest, darling soontobe13 dd, has a sweetheart. It is very innocent. Nice boy. Great family, family friends, shared values, hs'ing, etc. He's one year older -- nearly 14. This is a first for the both of them. They're both very sheltered and innocent but are both "growing up" lately. . . They are both great, gentle, kind kids.

 

I've known the boy had a crush for the last year or so (could tell) but now there is reciprocity and recently some hand-holding. . .

 

On the one hand, I think this is awfully sweet. On the other hand, I am in a blind panic. (That second hand is rather powerful!)

 

Dd is talking to me (yay!!) and I talked to the other Mom (on the sly of course), who is as flabbergasted as I am. We agree on supervision, etc. and we will keep talking and her husband will have some talks with the boy. . . So, that is started. . .

 

But, I just am at a loss here. I don't have a solid plan! I need more of a plan!!

 

I've read so many great books on raising kids. . . I need some on raising teens! I need some guidelines for dating, courting, supervision, etc. -- with the aim of maintaining communication, respect all around, self control, etc.

 

I don't want to be unrealistic about this and I don't know that I actually want to impose *rules* on dd about what she can do with her own body. I have worked hard to teach my kids that they alone own their bodies and I don't want to muddy that or shut down communication. . .

 

I need some steps, some books, some kind of plan. . .

 

Tips from Moms who've BTDT???!!!???!!!

 

First off, do you and your dh think that it's a good idea for your 12/13 yod to be dating? If so, then you will have to take steps to carefully monitor that and keep communication with her open, and be prepared for their relationship to become more serious and complicated than it appears right now. But if you're not sure it's a good idea, the fact that she has feelings for a boy, who also has feelings for her, doesn't necessarily mean that you have to allow dating, kwim? Sometimes I think parents just sort of fall into allowing their children to date, without ever really deciding this is a good thing for her/him-- just sort of let the circumstances dictate whether their children date or not.

 

I personally would not allow a 12/13 year old child to pursue a romantic relationship, but if you do, just be very cautious and remember that what can seem very sweet and innocent to parents can be something very different underneath, and parents may not recognize this until some damage has already been done (physical or emotional). I'm sure many of us had those sort of relationships as teens, and remember the incredibly strong feelings that went along with them, and the things we (even the really, really good kids!) did that our parents never would have suspected.

[fivetails]

 

I personally would not allow a 12/13 year old child to pursue a romantic relationship

 

:iagree:

 

Our dd will be 13 in January and I wouldn't allow it.

[PineFarmMom]

 

I don't want to be unrealistic about this and I don't know that I actually want to impose *rules* on dd about what she can do with her own body. I have worked hard to teach my kids that they alone own their bodies and I don't want to muddy that or shut down communication. . .

 

 

 

I kind of tend to disagree with the bolded part. While they are under your supervision, you do have a right to have *rules* about what they can do with their body. One of my dc may want to jump off the roof of our home with paper wings so they can see if they can fly. I'd say no. Many things that teens can *choose* to do with their bodies at this age are more dangerous than attempting flight, IMO. We know the damage that can come from leaping into physical relationships before we are mature enough to handle them, so having a parent say "No way!" is needed sometimes.

 

I think I would also discourage any type of boy/girl relationship at such a young age. Our dc know that we are not willing for them to get caught up in that mess below the age of 16. After 16, we'll discuss it, but it would be more of a courting/supervised situation.

[st_claire]

I'd say just make sure they know about safer sex practices. Other than that, I wouldn't worry about it.

[fivetails]

I'd say just make sure they know about safer sex practices. Other than that, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

I swear you say these things just to get someone's fur standing on end. :glare:

[st_claire]

I swear you say these things just to get someone's fur standing on end. :glare:

 

 

Actually nope. I'm just opinionated and like to share those opinions. Obviously you disagree with many of mine, but others agree.

 

Meanwhile abstinance only sex education leads to huge rises in the rates of STIs and unplanned pregnancies. Not to mention miserable sex lives and body image throughout their lives.

[OhM]

I've always thought that a parent can't choose a dating style for a child. I may really love the whole courting model, but I don't see how a parent can effectively project that onto a child!

 

However, that seems to be the way my oldest dd is headed. She was strongly influenced by young adults who she knows who have made this choice for themselves. She has witnessed some great couples and wonderful marriages (and now families!) originate with this model.

 

Something else I've noticed with both dd's friends - many of their parents seem obsessed with them having "boyfriends"! As early as 3rd-4th grade, these moms were telling me about their dd's "boyfriends". True, these girls don't actually talk to these boys during school hours, but they are their "boyfriends." I've watched some of these girls go into high school without knowing how to be friends with a boy, without knowing what a relationship actually consists of, but with a strong belief and desire to have a "boyfriend", any "boyfriend". :001_huh:

 

We've focused on dd having friends. Friends are male or female. They are people who you enjoy being with, who respect you for who you are, and who share common interests and values with you.

 

I also don't see anything wrong with sending a very clear, strong signal that sex before marriage is not acceptable and has unintended consequences that can mess up your life. Dd also has some object lessons on this subject.

 

So the whole dating/sexuality thing is one big, long, ongoing conversation around here. It's her decision, but she's very clear on where I stand, and she's constantly invited to look around and see how some of these decisions are working out for others.

[PineFarmMom]

Actually nope. I'm just opinionated and like to share those opinions. Obviously you disagree with many of mine, but others agree.

 

Meanwhile abstinance only sex education leads to huge rises in the rates of STIs and unplanned pregnancies. Not to mention miserable sex lives and body image throughout their lives.

 

Quite untrue. Truth shows that sexual activity at too young an age leads to miserable sex lives and major baggage. Those who choose to wait are the only people I've seen that seem to have a healthy view of the whole thing. They're the ones I've seen that enjoy it and have no hang-ups. I know of what I speak. I made the wrong choices and have a healthy view of it all NOW, but it took a while. Those whom I have had contact with who have made the right decisions have less or no baggage to deal with and seem to enjoy sex as it was meant to be enjoyed. To this day, in my late 30s, I still have some friends who dove into it head-long, at a young age, that are still wandering around from messed-up relationship to messed-up relationship. It's quite sad. :(

 

I'd be so very unwise if I told my 13yo child how to do it safely and then set them free. Ridiculous!

[Remudamom]

 

Meanwhile abstinance only sex education leads to huge rises in the rates of STIs and unplanned pregnancies. Not to mention miserable sex lives and body image throughout their lives.

 

Oh please, if anything's gone through the cow, that's it.

 

I'm refuting you and citing my own personal experience as proof that a blanket statement like that is horse ****.

 

Our kids court, when they are old enough to be married (which in my opinion is a bit younger than some folks) they begin to consider suitors or.......suitees???

Edited October 22, 2009 by Remudamom

[PineFarmMom]

Oh please, if anything's gone through the cow, that's it.

 

I'm refuting you and citing my own personal experience as proof that a blanket statement like that is horse ****.

 

:iagree:You're awesome!! :) It is a load of nonsense, isn't it?

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I'm getting to that time of life as well--a little delayed than normal maybe because of our situation, but, it's here.

 

We've clearly communicated to all 3 of our dc that while they are pursuing their education it's a good idea to not get too emotionally involved with one person. They need to focus on their future, having a lot of friends, and getting to know who they are, what they like, and what they want out of life.

 

We encourage them to get to know a lot of people. Go out as a group and observe how maybe the person they are interested in acts around his/her friends and family. You can learn a lot!

 

Above all, I want them to guard their heart. I remember how hard it was to have genuine feelings for someone and have them break up with me. (not that it happened all that often;)) It's important to me that they understand that they don't have to give their heart away to anyone who wants into their life. It's important that they are mature enough to understand that they can lead their heart and not be lead by it before they make relationship decisions.

 

I don't know that 13, no matter how mature they seem, can do this. It's just so fun to have the attention, flattering to have that feeling of being "special" to someone. I would be concerned that she not be setting herself up.

 

I think it's great that you are communicating with everyone. I would involve your dd in that communication so she knows that everyone is aware of what is happening and willing to work together on it. Have the boy over so you can get to know him better in a family setting and he has relationship with you (might help a little in the long-run with the physical issues that can come up!).

 

:grouphug:Whoever said that raising kids got easier as they got older? I'm more stressed out now than ever!:grouphug:

[HRAAB]

I don't know if this will be helpful at all, but at almost 13, it would be 'No'. I would not encourage it in anyway. But I would use this as an opportunity to start many discussions with my dd, letting her know what her our (dad and me) rules are, what dating/courtship is for, and reiterating our moral stance on pre-marital sex, etc. Also, as the parent of an underage child, I will make rules about dating and how she treats her body. I'm not fool enough to think that by simply making a rule, she will follow it, but she will know, beyond a doubt, where her parents stand.

 

I guess you could say, I've been there before. I thought it was cute and sweet. He came from a Christian homeschooling family that could have been the poster family for Christian homeschoolers. They had very similar backgrounds, innocent, a little behind. How I wish I could go back and just say No while I had the authority and ability to enforce it. Not that every relationship of this type will turn out bad, but why open the door on that possibility at such a young age before they have the maturity and wisdom to deal with these matters. They are just too young - my not so humble opinion.

 

This is based on my personal experience.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Ishki
Added something

[HRAAB]

Oh please, if anything's gone through the cow, that's it.

 

I'm refuting you and citing my own personal experience as proof that a blanket statement like that is horse ****.

 

Our kids court, when they are old enough to be married (which in my opinion is a bit younger than some folks) they begin to consider suitors or.......suitees???

 

You have such a way of just stating the facts. :001_smile:

[LinRTX]

Actually in my opinion it is the blatantly promoted sexuality or actually immorality on everything from the clothes to the shows to the ads that leads to more unplanned pregnancies and to more STI's. Also I beleieve part of the problem is too many unsupervised young people put in compromising situations--like co-ed dorms in college.

 

Linda

[Stacie]

Oh please, if anything's gone through the cow, that's it.

 

I'm refuting you and citing my own personal experience as proof that a blanket statement like that is horse ****.

 

Our kids court, when they are old enough to be married (which in my opinion is a bit younger than some folks) they begin to consider suitors or.......suitees???

 

:lol:

 

You have such a way with words and, um, asterisks! I enjoy your posts.

[Robin5kids]

Hi there! I am in the same boat as you. My 13.95 y/o ds goes to a Catholic School. They are very protective of the kids. We recently had our 4 oldest join a swim club. My oldest practices 4-5 times a week for 1 hr 45 mins. We drop him off and pick him up. He has always had girls as friends. He is a VERY friendly kid. One day when my dh was waiting for my son, he started introducing himself to the other swim parents. They asked who his son was and my dh pointed to him down the hall. As my dh pointed he noticed that our baby was holding hands with a girl!!! He was shocked and embarrassed.

 

We don't know what to do either. Our ds is the type to push back if we set up what he considers to be unrealistic rules. We are not against the idea of a girl FRIEND, but we are not wanting to encourage it. We have decided to speak on the sly to the swim coaches to make sure that the two kids are NEVER left alone together. We are also coming early to pick him up, so he does not have time after practice to do anything.

 

I have to agree that although I do not want my kids to have sex before they get married, the truth is it is not my decision. We are speaking to him more openly about sex and what it can lead to. I think the only real way to keep kids from having a relationship is my seriously sheltering them.

My grandpa was a minister in Ohio. He and my Grandma were very strict. Yet my Aunt got pregnant. She ended up marrying the guy, then getting a divorce because the man was an abusive drunk. So I am not sure if being very strict is the answer. I will say that at 13 my ds will not be going on dates. :001_smile:

[Remudamom]

:lol:

 

You have such a way with words and, um, asterisks! I enjoy your posts.

 

 

Actually I don't use astericks. I think there's something wrong with my keyboard. :lol:

 

ETA Anyone who allows their 13 yr old girl to have a boyfriend better be prepared to raise another baby. No, it doesn't always happen, but it happens enough.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Remudamom

[StephanieZ]

I'm getting to that time of life as well--a little delayed than normal maybe because of our situation, but, it's here.

 

We've clearly communicated to all 3 of our dc that while they are pursuing their education it's a good idea to not get too emotionally involved with one person. They need to focus on their future, having a lot of friends, and getting to know who they are, what they like, and what they want out of life.

 

We encourage them to get to know a lot of people. Go out as a group and observe how maybe the person they are interested in acts around his/her friends and family. You can learn a lot!

 

Above all, I want them to guard their heart. I remember how hard it was to have genuine feelings for someone and have them break up with me. (not that it happened all that often;)) It's important to me that they understand that they don't have to give their heart away to anyone who wants into their life. It's important that they are mature enough to understand that they can lead their heart and not be lead by it before they make relationship decisions.

 

I don't know that 13, no matter how mature they seem, can do this. It's just so fun to have the attention, flattering to have that feeling of being "special" to someone. I would be concerned that she not be setting herself up.

 

I think it's great that you are communicating with everyone. I would involve your dd in that communication so she knows that everyone is aware of what is happening and willing to work together on it. Have the boy over so you can get to know him better in a family setting and he has relationship with you (might help a little in the long-run with the physical issues that can come up!).

 

:grouphug:Whoever said that raising kids got easier as they got older? I'm more stressed out now than ever!:grouphug:

 

Oh, I really agree about guarding the heart. It is the emotional fall out of relationships that really is more scary to me than anything else.

 

I do know the boy well. 95% of the time the two are together is at our house or at an outing with both families, as we are good family friends and do a lot of activities together as families. He is even my facebook friend, lol. (DD isn't allowed on facebook until she turns 13 in a few weeks.) The 5% of time we aren't with them, they are with a nice group of friends, with adult supervision, doing a volunteer activity.

 

I really appreciate all the feedback from you all. Please keep it coming. I am devouring your comments.

 

With the degree of supervision they have, I am not too worried about serious physical issues just now, right now it is more the heart , and the precedents we're setting that I worry about. But, I am all tool aware that at this age especially, emotions run fast and furious and hormones don't help.

 

Thank you, thank you.

[StephanieZ]

Actually I don't use astericks. I think there's something wrong with my keyboard. :lol:

 

ETA Anyone who allows their 13 yr old girl to have a boyfriend better be prepared to raise another baby. No, it doesn't always happen, but it happens enough.

 

Ouch.

[Remudamom]

Ouch.

 

Just saying.............anything can happen..........no matter what your boy/girlfriend procedure is. But from what I can see, it's more likely to happen when the relationship is allowed or encouraged.

[Tangerine]

I was, as a late teen, in an environment where courting was the norm, and I would not use it for my children. The girls I knew where fixated on marriage, to the exclusion of the rest of life. The also had a tendency to romanticize their future husband to an absurd degree. I'm afraid no man could ever do anything but disappoint. (This is MY experience in a religious group that INSISTED on courting. I am not saying that every girl who ever courted feels this way. k?)

 

At 13, I would stick with supervised movies at the house, outings with the family, etc. I wouldn't forbid the friendship or anything, but I'd do my best to keep it light and make sure she doesn't toss the rest of her friends of life in favor of time with him.

[PineFarmMom]

I was, as a late teen, in an environment where courting was the norm, and I would not use it for my children. The girls I knew where fixated on marriage, to the exclusion of the rest of life. The also had a tendency to romanticize their future husband to an absurd degree. I'm afraid no man could ever do anything but disappoint. (This is MY experience in a religious group that INSISTED on courting. I am not saying that every girl who ever courted feels this way. k?)

 

 

 

I kind of see how a total focus on everything being centered around marriage could be a negative. I think that's where balance has to come in. I do know the people who raise their daughters with the sole plan of marriage. We have been more guiding along the lines of focus on the things God wants for them and they want to achieve in their future and how a serious relationship at too young of an age could be a hinderance towards those goals. We are encouraging them to pursue things outside of marriage and let marriage come naturally if/when that time is more fitting, i.e., after college and other goals are met, etc. I can't control that, but that is the encouragement we offer.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Texas T
grammar mistake

[Guest Katia]

I have teen daughters. The oldest has dated....when she was 19yo....but mostly we have tried to relate to them that boy/girl relationships take so much time and energy away from school/college and that NOW is the time for school vs later being the time for relationships and romance.

 

This summer I found some videos online by Pam Stenzel and had my girls watch them. It was eye-opening for both me and them; especially the part about how pregnancy is normal but so much of what happens to a woman's body after having many partners is not. The old "nobody told me". Wow.

 

Well, now we are all enlightened. I highly recommend that you look up Pam Stenzel and watch her videos. Really. It will help with the sex aspect.

 

Otherwise, what you are doing now sounds fine to me. Personally, I didn't allow my dds to form these types of relationships until they were 16yo. That was just our family rule and they knew it, kwim? But, if you are fine with 13yo, that is your decision. If you are not ok with 13yo, then you and dh need to sit down and make some family rules and explain these to your dd. Each family is different.

 

Watch the videos. Together with your dd and talk, talk, talk about them.

[Caitilin]

At 13, I would stick with supervised movies at the house, outings with the family, etc. I wouldn't forbid the friendship or anything, but I'd do my best to keep it light and make sure she doesn't toss the rest of her friends of life in favor of time with him.

:iagree: with this completely. :grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

I have a 13 and 15yo dd. The oldest likes someone, I'm pretty sure they're just friends. I do know she likes him and IF he did like her, she'd be happy.

 

That said, the boy is very cute and very sweet. I myself have dealt with the "Oh, it's so cute feelings," on my part. These "Oh, it's so sweet feelings," along with the dream of wanting her to be happy, have a fairy tale romance and all that stuff that I think comes naturally to women, and has CLOUDED my judgement! I realize this and still have trouble making decisions for her BEST. I would love for the sweet, romantic tale to be true, but then I remember my teen reality......

 

Several miscellaneous boyfriends at ages 13-14 that didn't mean much, but could have had serious consequences.

 

One very long, 4 yr emotionally twisted relationship that still haunts me to this day. It may have looked sweet at times to those on the outside, but inside-ouch.

 

Here's the conclusion I've come to (I'm not including my husband in this as he would just lock her in a box).

 

Age 13 and up (must be in 8th grade). Can have boys as "friends." Boys can come over here to play guitar, watch movies hang out etc in living area only. Can go to movies, youth outings, bowling etc in large groups or with parents only. Must have other girls I trust with her. Can talk on phone, facebook etc if it's not taking over her life.

 

I have constant, open communication about relationships and their consequences with both girls.

 

15yo same as above. I will allow her to date at 16. I don't feel right about strict courting rules, I wish I did, but it just doesn't gel with me. I respect and admire those that carry it out well.

 

At 16, my kids can drive. That gives them the freedom to go anywhere they want. I realize they can lie and do whatever they feel like. I would hope they wouldn't, but they can. Even though they will only be allowed to drive to approved events, then can tell me they're going to the "Approved Event" and go anywhere they want. Again, I wouldn't expect that of my kids, but it could happen.

 

So, that said, I would like to guide my dd's in their last 2 yrs here at home with us. I will constantly tell them what I prefer, what could possibly happen, and what they can do to avoid negative situations. I will also tell them what I hope they will do if they choose another path.

 

I hope this long rambling has a point, being that sometimes the "sweet dreams" we have for our children can cloud our judgement. I think it's best to emotionally remove ourselves from the situation and make objective decisions based on reality. I think to as moms we have to work with our daughters in coming to an agreed upon plan so that we can both plan for the future safely.

[Margaret in GA]

Our rule is no dating until 16. Also, no boyfriend/girlfriend at all. They may go on dates, call (or i.m.) girls/boys, and have a crush. They may have all the friends of the opposite sex they want, but any dating must be non-serious and non-exclusive. We encourage relationships with the opposite sex, just not serious ones. I know my kids 13 and 15 have boys/girls they are interested in, but keeping things casual keeps hearts from being broken and boundaries from getting crossed too early. So far, no pushback from anyone.

[Michelle in AL]

Also, to add to my long rambling at the top, I highly encourage my 13yo not to have romantic feelings for boys. She knows it light yrs until she can get married and that dating has no other true purpose. I won't forbid her from what I've outlined above though, for us it's a more safe middle ground.

[Impish]

I would do my best to stop it.

 

Frankly, I just don't see any positive to it, and a whole bunch of negatives.

 

Seriously, what good can come from 12/13yos dating?

[st_claire]

Quite untrue. Truth shows that sexual activity at too young an age leads to miserable sex lives and major baggage. Those who choose to wait are the only people I've seen that seem to have a healthy view of the whole thing. They're the ones I've seen that enjoy it and have no hang-ups. I know of what I speak. I made the wrong choices and have a healthy view of it all NOW, but it took a while. Those whom I have had contact with who have made the right decisions have less or no baggage to deal with and seem to enjoy sex as it was meant to be enjoyed. To this day, in my late 30s, I still have some friends who dove into it head-long, at a young age, that are still wandering around from messed-up relationship to messed-up relationship. It's quite sad. :(

 

I'd be so very unwise if I told my 13yo child how to do it safely and then set them free. Ridiculous!

 

YMMV of course, but research does in fact show that on average, abstinance only sex education fails terribly.

 

Just because someone "dove into it" at a young age doesn't mean they had a good sexuality education. They very well might have been told to wait also.

[st_claire]

Oh please, if anything's gone through the cow, that's it.

 

I'm refuting you and citing my own personal experience as proof that a blanket statement like that is horse ****.

 

Our kids court, when they are old enough to be married (which in my opinion is a bit younger than some folks) they begin to consider suitors or.......suitees???

 

 

I'm speaking averages, not specific people. Obviously there will be all types in all groups, but on average, abstianance only educations does in fact lead to higher rates of those things.

[st_claire]

Here's a good article on the subject

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9504871/

[Mrs Mungo]

Stephanie,

 

I have no BTDT advice but I'm in a similar position. My dd is 13 (almost 14). There is a boy in our homeschool group, they like each other. He asked her to be his girlfriend, I told her she was really too young for that and all the expectations that come with it. I told her I'd rather they just be friends fro now and see how it goes. When they see each other it's always in a group situation. She knows I'm not going to be dropping her off at the movies or anything like that. When they ask to go to a movie, the moms (and usually siblings) go with them and sit behind them. Even when we do group outings (such as a teen hike we did on Monday), they aren't lovey-dovey or anything. They weren't even walking together most of the time.

[Lolly]

I have talked to my kids all the way along about courting. Then, I found that no matter what we may want to do to protect their hearts we cannot control them. You know what, THEY cannot even control them. They like boys. (That is a GOOD thing btw!) They fall for them. They get hurt. We pick them up and show them that life isn't over. Dating does not have to equal s*x and babies. So, even though it is not what I had planned, when my 13 yo dd got a text message from a BOY during dinner out one night asking if she could go on a date with him, I took one look at her little face and could not tell her no. I knew that it was the wrong thing to do. Instead, I have tried to guide her through the relationship. Their "dating" turned out to be mostly over the phone. All their time together was in a group or totally supervised. They are no longer "dating". They are still great friends. To be quite honest, I won't be surprised if they start dating for real when they are older. I didn't set down any rules. I just took everything one step at a time. So far, so good.

 

I would be possibly be more cautious if this involved a friend's son. That would be hard to handle if things did get ugly.:tongue_smilie:

[stripe]

I think generally speaking it's unwise for 13 year olds to be sexually active, for at least the reason that such people will end up having more sex partners over their life, and that increases the risk for various reproductive concerns, certainly for females. So it is wise to consider this, even for those who are fine about separating sex from marriage, that delaying might be really smart.

 

I also think it's nice for girls to grow up without spending their entire life attached to a boy. I always found it a bit unsettling to know someone who had been dating since 12 or whatever, and had basically never NOT had a boyfriend. I think it is better for girls to spend a bit more time on other things.

 

But the other aspect is the emotional one. I think it can be quite devastating to experience heartbreak and so on, and the teen years are dramatic enough without that.

 

I think it might be good to consider clarifying what a boyfriend is (how is it different from a friend/classmate?), and how having one would benefit her. Thinking of a boyfriend as being pals with a boy, versus thinking of it as holding hands until engagement in a sort of Victorian definition, versus spending every weekend getting drunk and having sex under the bleachers, are all quite different! I think sometimes certain things (like having boyfriends, or having sex, or whatever) are expected and so people do them, without actually wanting to OR even knowing why they're doing them. Better to have a bit of reflection in the situation.

[Starr]

We are not a young dating family. Someone is going to get very hurt. How can a relationship grow at this age? I'm certainly not interested in a teen with a sexual relationship. They are still working on growing up. If you don't put a name on it, as in boyfriend, girlfriend, and they keep their hands to themselves they can still be friends. Why loose your friend because you "dated" him/her. I've watched this over the years and it breaks my heart to see kids not come to church because their boyfriend broke up with them and now has another girlfriend.

[Starr]

How will you manage being family friends when this ends?

[HRAAB]

I think generally speaking it's unwise for 13 year olds to be sexually active, for at least the reason that such people will end up having more sex partners over their life, and that increases the risk for various reproductive concerns, certainly for females. So it is wise to consider this, even for those who are fine about separating sex from marriage, that delaying might be really smart.

 

I think it is always unwise for 13 years olds to be sexually active. I would think this is something most people could agree on - whether religious or not - that this is just way to young for many, many reasons besides moral/religious beliefs.

[JoyfulMama]

My own teen years are not light years away for me. My friends and I started with "boyfriends/girlfriends" at about 9th grade. But if you had asked us our definition of what a boyfriend/girlfriend was, it would never have included going on one-on-one dates or a physical relationship (past some VERY light kissing and hand-holding), nor would it have been anything looking at marriage. We talked on the phone, we gathered at houses to watch movies and play games, rode bikes around town, and went for pizza. All group events. And not everyone was "coupled".

My mother raised me to know who I was, and to know that I didn't need to be in a relationship to define who I was. I "dated" a couple boys in high school, and learned about communication, about my feelings, about healthy adult relationships, and witnessed some teen relationships I didn't want to emulate.

I remember going shopping with my mother for a dress for a school dance, and the clerk at the store asking if my relationship with my boyfriend was "serious". Before I could say anything, my mom blurted out "Oh, no!". That hurt me, because I was quiet comfortable with the relationship, and felt it was serious for ME - but in no way was I looking for the serious type of relationship that the clerk was alluding to - little did I know.

My first "date" was a surprise for me - as I didn't realize it was a date until I was getting dressed. I thought 4 of us were going out to celebrate one person's birthday. (Naive, I know...)

I didn't understand why someone would be looking for a life partner while they were still in high school, and just a teenager. To me, marriage was an adult pursuit. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to develop myself, and figured along the way I might meet someone, and I did. My mom talked of her high school friends who went to college "to get their M.R.S.". I was NOT going to be that kind of woman.

 

Now that I have rambled... before making assumptions about what a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship looks like to you child, TALK TO THEM, but more importantly, LISTEN TO THEM. You may not be on the same page, or even in the same book. But it will lay a foundation of communication and trust, which will benefit all.

[LisaNY]

:iagree:You're awesome!! :) It is a load of nonsense, isn't it?

 

 

Yes, she is, and yes, it is.

[MistyJ]

Elizabeth Elliot wrote a nice book on dating, Passion and Purity. In it she recommends there is not reason to date until you are looking for a spouse.

 

We are programmed to be sexually active, and while hand-holding is innocent, it does progress.

 

I don't know how I would handle it. Certainly constant supervision, in groups, doing fun things, games, picnics etc. I wouldn't have them in her room alone, even with the door open. To much temptation.

 

He certainly could be "the one." I have friends with 6 kids who have known each other since 8th grade, and another friend who has known her husband since 6th grade.

[LisaNY]

I'm speaking averages, not specific people. Obviously there will be all types in all groups, but on average, abstianance only educations does in fact lead to higher rates of those things.

 

There is something inherently wrong with government institutions teaching subjects that should be left to the parents. Here in NY, s*x ed is taught, with all of the bells and whistles, and guess what? STD's, teen pregnancy, etc. are higher than ever. My dd knew many, many pregnant girls in her high school. All the s*x ed these girls received didn't to them a darn bit of good.

 

S*x education should take place in the home - not the schools.

 

We teach abstinence only in our home. Our older dd is 18, in her first year of college, and our younger dd is 14. So far, so good. My older dd is not even dating. If she hangs out with boys, it is in a group setting.

[PineFarmMom]

There is something inherently wrong with government institutions teaching subjects that should be left to the parents. Here in NY, s*x ed is taught, with all of the bells and whistles, and guess what? STD's, teen pregnancy, etc. are higher than ever. My dd knew many, many pregnant girls in her high school. All the s*x ed these girls received didn't to them a darn bit of good.

 

S*x education should take place in the home - not the schools.

 

We teach abstinence only in our home. Our older dd is 18, in her first year of college, and our younger dd is 14. So far, so good. My older dd is not even dating. If she hangs out with boys, it is in a group setting.

 

 

You know, your points hit on *one* of the things I have against the article cited. Abstinence-only, as well as the lesser choice, sex-ed are doomed to failure when public school is the only place these things are taught. Many of the ideas behind that type of wrong thinking just won't be applicable in a group of moms who are willing to educate their own children. I think the statistics also need to involve the kids whose sex education come only from the school system. That would be an interesting thing to see.

[LisaNY]

You know, your points hit on *one* of the things I have against the article cited. Abstinence-only, as well as the lesser choice, sex-ed are doomed to failure when public school is the only place these things are taught.

 

My thoughts *exactly*!! :iagree:

[Tap]

I think one thing that you need to really consider is what do you consider 'dating' and what do you consider 'hanging out'. If you envision your 13yo having the boy over for a movie, going somewhere supervised, and just generally doing what you have already allowed, I wouldn't call that dating....and I wouldn't let her call it that either. It isn't courting, because it doesn't sound like marriage is being considered.

 

I would discuss you daughters intentions with the boy, and let that conversation lead the way in to defining exactly what this situation is and what you will call it.

 

If they are just friends who enjoy each other, have a crush, and want to spend time together...that is more in the hanging out range for me. If they stay together and the bond grows, this will eventually evolve into dating.

 

If they are wanting to be exclusive, kiss or more (allowed privacy), have private conversations, go places alone, emotionally support each other, labels of boyfriend/girlfriend and to put themselves on the line emotionally...this is dating. If they stay together and the bond grows, this will eventually lead to ????? Sex? Marriage? Adult issues?

 

I would think very long and hard about what you allow this to be called. I would really try to have a conversation with your dd about what she considers appropriate for 'hanging out' and when that crosses the road into 'dating'. It is a slippery slope and once you allow the privacy needed for 'dating' it is very hard to turn back the clock and 'un-allow' it if you find that it was a bad decision.

 

Kids can find ways that you wouldn't imagine, if they want to have privacy bad enough. I was a pretty creative teen, and while my parents thought I was as sweet as apple pie, they still have no idea that my boyfriend and I probably had more sex the summer I was 14 than they did. They definitely didn't realize that we were together a lot more that they thought. He lived 40 minutes away so they thought he only came over to see me on Sundays after church. ;) He was there several times a week. We didn't have privacy when they were around, but they didn't know about all the times when they didn't realize I wasn't alone (house sitting, babysitting, going for a walk, at the club, going for a bike ride, swimming at the club, going with other friends....etc).

 

If they want to have a relationship bad enough, if you allow or disallow it won't really be a factor. But, I do think that having a way to define what you feel is appropriate, and what the next steps are that often go along with it, is important too. Also discussing with her that she can cross a line and still go back to previous rules (if she goes beyond kissing one time, she doesn't have to allow it every time), but again...it is hard to unring that bell. If she is going to be crossing into what we consider adult actions, that she needs to know the real consequences too. STDS (oral herpes too), pregnancy, heartbreak, dissapointment etc. It sounds like your are doing that but just remember that for most things with kids, we find out After they do things, not before.

[keptwoman]

You know, your points hit on *one* of the things I have against the article cited. Abstinence-only, as well as the lesser choice, sex-ed are doomed to failure when public school is the only place these things are taught. Many of the ideas behind that type of wrong thinking just won't be applicable in a group of moms who are willing to educate their own children. I think the statistics also need to involve the kids whose sex education come only from the school system. That would be an interesting thing to see.

I agree with St Clair as far as the stats are concerned, stats are what they are. You may not agree with them as far as your personal experience is concerned but stats are about averages.

 

It's like saying that the campaign "breast is best" is not true because you were bottle fed and you don't have diabetes. That may be the case but the stats still show that on AVERAGE breastfed babies are healthier later in life.

 

Personal experience does not disprove statistics.

 

I also agree with you about the fact that schools are not the best place to be teaching sex ed, but the reason that schools are doing it is because of a failure on some parents parts to do it themselves. We all know of girls who thought they were dying when they got their periods, it's for people like them that it's taught in school. As with many things in school and life, it's catering for the lowest common denominator. The lowest common denominator is why cops carry guns, why they teach healthy eating and behaviour around dogs in schools etc etc etc.

 

As far as children and dating, I'm taking the "take it as it comes" approach. DS has a sort-of girlfriend, they see each other at the sailing club on the weekends and sometimes they meet in the city for a movie. I haven't felt the need to put any conditions in place as there doesn't seem to be anything to worry about currently. If there is, I will.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I think one thing that you need to really consider is what do you consider 'dating' and what do you consider 'hanging out'. If you envision your 13yo having the boy over for a movie, going somewhere supervised, and just generally doing what you have already allowed, I wouldn't call that dating....and I wouldn't let her call it that either. It isn't courting, because it doesn't sound like marriage is being considered.

 

I would discuss you daughters intentions with the boy, and let that conversation lead the way in to defining exactly what this situation is and what you will call it.

 

If they are just friends who enjoy each other, have a crush, and want to spend time together...that is more in the hanging out range for me. If they stay together and the bond grows, this will eventually evolve into dating.

 

If they are wanting to be exclusive, kiss or more (allowed privacy), have private conversations, go places alone, emotionally support each other, labels of boyfriend/girlfriend and to put themselves on the line emotionally...this is dating. If they stay together and the bond grows, this will eventually lead to ????? Sex? Marriage? Adult issues?

 

I would think very long and hard about what you allow this to be called. I would really try to have a conversation with your dd about what she considers appropriate for 'hanging out' and when that crosses the road into 'dating'. It is a slippery slope and once you allow the privacy needed for 'dating' it is very hard to turn back the clock and 'un-allow' it if you find that it was a bad decision.

 

Kids can find ways that you wouldn't imagine, if they want to have privacy bad enough. I was a pretty creative teen, and while my parents thought I was as sweet as apple pie, they still have no idea that my boyfriend and I probably had more sex the summer I was 14 than they did. They definitely didn't realize that we were together a lot more that they thought. He lived 40 minutes away so they thought he only came over to see me on Sundays after church. ;) He was there several times a week. We didn't have privacy when they were around, but they didn't know about all the times when they didn't realize I wasn't alone (house sitting, babysitting, going for a walk, at the club, going for a bike ride, swimming at the club, going with other friends....etc).

 

If they want to have a relationship bad enough, if you allow or disallow it won't really be a factor. But, I do think that having a way to define what you feel is appropriate, and what the next steps are that often go along with it, is important too. Also discussing with her that she can cross a line and still go back to previous rules (if she goes beyond kissing one time, she doesn't have to allow it every time), but again...it is hard to unring that bell. If she is going to be crossing into what we consider adult actions, that she needs to know the real consequences too. STDS (oral herpes too), pregnancy, heartbreak, dissapointment etc. It sounds like your are doing that but just remember that for most things with kids, we find out After they do things, not before.

 

Great post. I had a button that said "My Mom Thinks I'm At the Movies"....

 

I cringe when I hear parents referring to their child's friends of the opposite sex as boyfriend/girlfriend. My boys know an 11 yo boy who tells them he's "dating" so and so and..... How did "hanging out" become "dating" ---?

[keptwoman]

I cringe when I hear parents referring to their child's friends of the opposite sex as boyfriend/girlfriend. My boys know an 11 yo boy who tells them he's "dating" so and so and..... How did "hanging out" become "dating" ---?

It's the same crazy people who ask 6 year olds if they have a "boyfriend" yet. 6 year olds are either in the "all boys smell" or "boys are my friends just like girls" camp so sure... lets make it all creepy. Blech. One of my pet peeves. Shall I get up on my soapbox :lol: