How can I ask my inlaws not to bring their dogs when they visit?

[Jane Elliot]

They're coming for two weeks. It's mil, sil, and niece (maybe more, I haven't heard yet.) I don't want to offend, but I'm almost at the point where I will if I have to. It would be nice if there was a witty, gentle way to phrase it. So, is there?

 

Dh and half the kids are allergic. We have a dog, but she stays outside. I have a new floor and area rug. They let their dogs everywhere -- on the furniture, in our cars, on the beds, in our bedroom... everywhere. It affects dh for months after they leave. But, he won't say anything, so don't suggest that please.

 

Would it be okay to have 18yos tell 20yo niece that mom said she really hopes they don't bring the dogs this time? Or, should I just say it? And, if so, how do I say it?

[Scuff]

You should say it, not pawn it off on the kids. Just be matter of fact. I'm sorry, but they can't come. Be firm and polite and enjoy the visit.

[vettechmomof2]

You could offer them up some nice boaring places nearby for them so if they want to visit with their pet at that time they can.

 

Or you could offer a kennel in the garage for them to keep their pet in and when they are not walking the dog he must stay in the kennel.

 

Or they could leave him at home at a boarding kennel.

 

BUt regardless of what you say, depending on your relationship I would just say it to them if it was me but make hubby do it if it is his problem. ;)

 

Good luck.

[secular_mom]

They're coming for two weeks. It's mil, sil, and niece (maybe more, I haven't heard yet.) I don't want to offend, but I'm almost at the point where I will if I have to. It would be nice if there was a witty, gentle way to phrase it. So, is there?

 

Dh and half the kids are allergic. We have a dog, but she stays outside. I have a new floor and area rug. They let their dogs everywhere -- on the furniture, in our cars, on the beds, in our bedroom... everywhere. It affects dh for months after they leave. But, he won't say anything, so don't suggest that please.

 

Would it be okay to have 18yos tell 20yo niece that mom said she really hopes they don't bring the dogs this time? Or, should I just say it? And, if so, how do I say it?

 

I think you should just be matter of fact and say, "Oh, you can't possibly bring the dogs this time. I know x won't ever say anything, but he has allergies and that's why OUR dog lives outside. After you visited with the dogs last time, he was miserable (from allergies) for months."

No need for wit.

[partyof5]

You should say it, not pawn it off on the kids. Just be matter of fact. I'm sorry, but they can't come. Be firm and polite and enjoy the visit.

 

:iagree: Indoor dogs would impact my home for months. Be gentle but direct... this is for you to say since it's your home. If you leave it to the kids, it may offend them and will not likely get the desired result.

[katemary63]

Oh Gosh, I'm sorry but you feel bad that you have to ask them not to bring their dogs when you have a housefull of alergic people???? What???

 

Just say, "I'm sorry, but the ones with alergies are so uncomfortable with the dogs here, we can't compromise their health. We will not be able to have the dogs in the house anymore." End of story. Do NOT feel bad. Do NOT compromise. The health of your family should come first and even their simple physical comfort is important. I can't imagine ANY loving parent or grandparent not understanding that. Be confident and KNOW that you are in the right and leave their reaction up to them.

 

Do NOT send a message with a kid/ cousin/ niece ( I can't remember what it was). Do it yourself. Of course, your husband should do it as they are HIS folks and I would be mighty ticked at him if he were mine for copping out, but for the kid's, you have no choice but to do it your self. I would NEVER let someone bring animals into my house if I had alergic kids. Never. Would not matter to me who they were. Don't be so intimidatable! (is that a word?) :D

[Jane Elliot]

You're all right. I think I knew it, too. I'm so wimpy about these sorts of things. I needed a pep talk.

 

The sad part is they do know about the allergies. They raised him and had him take allergy shots for all his growing up years so they could keep a dog. He doesn't do the allergy shots anymore.

 

Okay. Deep breaths. Just say it. Be direct. Don't wimp out.

[Dirtroad]

Just tell them.

[Leighton Academy]

I think the suggestion of giving them local boarding information is great! I don't think you're being wimpy at all. I have no qualms about telling people how I feel but for me it's a bit different with my in-laws. They are my husband's family and therefore my family. While I should feel comfortable expressing myself to them, I don't. Giving the boarding information is a great way to open the topic of discussion and would make me feel non-confrontational.

[Julie in CA]

I'd research ahead of time, then I'd call and say, "Oh, by the way, I found a really nice place to board the dogs if you're planning to bring them on the trip. Dh suffered so much after the visit last time, that I thought it would be better to make arrangements ahead of time this time." Then stand your ground. I probably wouldn't offer to have them crated or in the garage, because your in-laws are likely to violate the agreement. It's been my experience that people who take their pets on vacations with them (without considering the host's wishes) seem to be the type who refuse to respect other people's wishes regarding the pets. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they cancelled the trip once you lay down the law about the dogs. Don't ask how I know this...:glare:

[Tammy]

I will bet these are the kind of people who treat their dog as their own child.....since they seem to have no boundaries with their dogs. And....how many dogs do they have....and what kind are they? (Not that it matters....just curious, LOL).

 

I think they will be offended....and probably not come. If they have to board their dog(s) for two weeks....well....that is going to cost them.

 

Some people just will never get it.....but I agree with everyone else....you can't have those dogs in your house....and if they bring them and you tell them to keep them outside.....you know that will never work. The kids will constantly let them inside....and they will sit out there and bark their little heads off. (Ask me how I know)

 

So....be firm....and just let them know you can't have the dogs this time!

 

But.......good luck with that, LOL!

 

.

[Jane Elliot]

I will bet these are the kind of people who treat their dog as their own child.....

Yup.

 

And....how many dogs do they have....and what kind are they? (Not that it matters....just curious, LOL).

 

MIL has a terrier of sorts. SIL has a shih tzu. When grandma comes she brings her mut, but so far I haven't heard anything about her coming.

 

I think they will be offended....and probably not come. If they have to board their dog(s) for two weeks....well....that is going to cost them.

 

See. They wouldn't have to board them because fil and bil are staying behind. I think they'd just bring them for the fun of it or because they'd miss them or whatever. I'm not wired that way, so I don't really understand.

 

Some people just will never get it.....but I agree with everyone else....you can't have those dogs in your house....and if they bring them and you tell them to keep them outside.....you know that will never work. The kids will constantly let them inside....and they will sit out there and bark their little heads off. (Ask me how I know)

 

It's somewhat comforting to know I'm not the only one who's dealt with this. They would never leave them outside because our neighbors have lost small dogs to wolves. And, yes, they'd bark their heads off and our dog would be blamed for not being nice and they'd get let in to protect them from our mean and wicked Newfie. Ask me how *I* know. ;)

 

So....be firm....and just let them know you can't have the dogs this time!

 

But.......good luck with that, LOL!

 

.

 

Thanks. I seriously needed the pep talk.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I would just tell them. If they knew what an issue it is for allergies, I'm sure they wouldn't even consider bringing them.

 

We do bring our monster with us to my mom's. Our other choice would be just not to go. We do board our other dog though. We don't feel any need to put my mom out more than we have to though EVERYONE loves my other dog.

 

Unless there is a reason they can't board the dogs, I'm SURE they will gladly give up a little money in order for everyone to be comfortable.

[Orthodox6]

All I can do is echo the good advice you already have received.

 

You have allergy issues which are medical issues, thus must be honored.

 

Even if you did not, you are not obligated to receive anybody's animal into your home. The relatives should make arrangements in their home city/cities to board the dogs, or to have someone care for [the dogs] in the home. At their own expense, I personally believe. You can offer to assist with the costs if you want to, and if you can afford to.

[Jane Elliot]

I would just tell them. If they knew what an issue it is for allergies, I'm sure they wouldn't even consider bringing them.

 

We do bring our monster with us to my mom's. Our other choice would be just not to go. We do board our other dog though. We don't feel any need to put my mom out more than we have to though EVERYONE loves my other dog.

 

Unless there is a reason they can't board the dogs, I'm SURE they will gladly give up a little money in order for everyone to be comfortable.

 

They wouldn't have to board the dogs this time because fil, bil, nephews are all staying behind. So, I think they'd still come.

 

And, they do know about the allergies (they raised dh, for pete's sake, and paid for allergy shots through his childhood and they know he doesn't still take them), so I'm not sure why this is an issue, except that none of us have been willing to be straight forward with them up till now, thanks to you lovely ladies, LOL. So, I know it's kind of our fault.

 

The entire visit has been arranged between 18yos and 20yo niece because they chat on facebook. I haven't even spoken with them at all about it. Next time I talk to them I'll just say it. I can do this. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...:tongue_smilie:

[Tammy]

Well...there is no reason they can't leave them home if someone is there! I would just tell them about your allergies...and how you really LOVE (snicker, snicker) their dogs....but just don't want your husband suffering from it (and anyone else, LOL). Good luck....and be firm....don't let them sucker you into having those dogs there if you don't want them! After all.....you ARE very accomdating to have them there for TWO WEEKS.....you don't need to be so accomodating to their pets as well, LOL.

[SonshineLearner]

You have a perfect out with the part about your husband. I'm sure Drs would agree that if you don't need to take the shots, it's better. "Gosh ____ stopped taking the allergy shots a few years ago, so we can't have any indoor dogs here. Think about whether it'd be easier to leave them home, or if you'd like the number that my friend Patty used for her dogs last month... It was a really nice place and her dogs seem to want to go back!"

When I go places I take our dog and board them sometimes. That way they are close. But, if I could leave them home I would! My dog doesn't seem to mind being boarded...and excuse to run back and forth and bark. And, I had him exercized last time, for 1/2 hr a day or something...(so, interaction with a person)

Carrie:-)

[AuntieM]

Be straight with them. And don't let them say, "Well, what if we brought them and they stayed outside with your dog?" That's what my sister did and it was more awkward to ask her to put her dog utside two or three times a day than it would have been to just tell her up front, "Sorry, our doctor has advised us that we should not have indoor pets so I'm afraid we'll have to ask you not to bring your dog."

 

There is someone at home to watch them, so you are not inconveniencing them. In fact, it is sorta rude for them to expect their dogs to be allowed in your home. Get it out of the way now or you will have a stressful visit and complaints for months to follow.

[Katiebug_1976]

I would just be up front about it with them. Explain to them that 1/2 of your family is allergic to dogs, and having them in the house really affects them long after they are gone. Surely they would understand and leave their dogs at home. If not, you might just have to put your foot down. It's your house, and your family that has to deal with the aftermath. I hope all goes well.

[jujsky]

I think Allene had great suggestions. Bottom line is, you need to talk to them about this, and you really need to do it soon. If you wait, it may be too late to have them board the dogs anywhere. Kennels book up fast this time of year.

[Happy]

They wouldn't have to board the dogs this time because fil, bil, nephews are all staying behind. So, I think they'd still come.

 

And, they do know about the allergies (they raised dh, for pete's sake, and paid for allergy shots through his childhood and they know he doesn't still take them), so I'm not sure why this is an issue, except that none of us have been willing to be straight forward with them up till now, thanks to you lovely ladies, LOL. So, I know it's kind of our fault.

 

The entire visit has been arranged between 18yos and 20yo niece because they chat on facebook. I haven't even spoken with them at all about it. Next time I talk to them I'll just say it. I can do this. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...:tongue_smilie:

 

Remudamom once suggested I dab a bit of rum behind my ears before a stressful confrontation I needed to have. My 'bottle' of rum is open and I'm willing to share. :D The rum really works...it gave me courage to pirate up and kick some donkey.

 

Be sweet, loving, and absolutely firm.

[JFSinIL]

Just tell them that there is a nice KENNEL near your home where the dogs can stay while they visit. That dogs can NOT come in your house due to the allergies...and you already have a dog in the backyard, do not need dog fights.

 

That gives them the choice of finding their own kennels back home or putting the dogs in near you (so they can visit the dogs if they must).

 

Just make sure you find a local kennel, too. Do NOT offer to pay for it!!!

 

 

People can only walk over you if you let them do so. ;) Some folks are oblivious were their pets are concerned. My mil HATES animals - her kid sister used to bring her dog to family gatherings until finally she was asked to leave the dog at home. She just didn't "get" it that not everyone wanted FiFi underfoot.

[mommaduck]

Uhm, yeah...I would be firm with, "I'm sorry, but you will have to leave your dog at home or board him in a kennel."

[Remudamom]

Hey, I got you covered. You can borrow my dog, Tick. My parents never bring their dogs with them because Tick would rip them to shreds. I can barely convince her not to rip my parents to shreds. I'll stick a stamp on her donkey and send her right away.

[Tess in the Burbs]

You tell them directly and offer a solution.

 

You tell them the allergies are getting worse and you need the animals outside or not to bring them. If they insist on bringing them then give them several boarding facilities in the local area.

 

my inlaws used to show up with the animals but now know they aren't welcome and they got over it.

[battlemaiden]

You're all right. I think I knew it, too. I'm so wimpy about these sorts of things. I needed a pep talk.

 

The sad part is they do know about the allergies. They raised him and had him take allergy shots for all his growing up years so they could keep a dog. He doesn't do the allergy shots anymore.

 

Okay. Deep breaths. Just say it. Be direct. Don't wimp out.

 

I can be a wimp about this sort of thing too. I agree with giving them options. Then they can't counter with expense of a kennel, etc. If you tell them that you are willing to work it out, but they simply can't come inside the house, then you've drawn the line and put the ball in their court. Make it clear, that if they must bring them they will be given accomodations outside, or in the garage. Depending on your relationship with them, you can even say, "we will feel the effects of the dogs for months after you leave, and we don't want to put a bad memory on your visit." Or some other version of your value of them and negative thoughts regarding dog hair allergies.

[Jane Elliot]

I can be a wimp about this sort of thing too.

 

Thanks. Oddly, it makes me feel better to hear that.

 

"we will feel the effects of the dogs for months after you leave, and we don't want to put a bad memory on your visit." Or some other version of your value of them and negative thoughts regarding dog hair allergies.

 

I like this and will use some version of it. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Jane Elliot]

Just tell them that there is a nice KENNEL near your home where the dogs can stay while they visit. That dogs can NOT come in your house due to the allergies...and you already have a dog in the backyard, do not need dog fights.

 

That gives them the choice of finding their own kennels back home or putting the dogs in near you (so they can visit the dogs if they must).

 

Just make sure you find a local kennel, too. Do NOT offer to pay for it!!!

 

 

People can only walk over you if you let them do so. ;) Some folks are oblivious were their pets are concerned. My mil HATES animals - her kid sister used to bring her dog to family gatherings until finally she was asked to leave the dog at home. She just didn't "get" it that not everyone wanted FiFi underfoot.

 

The nearest kennel is 40 minutes away. We live in the boonies. Really. Going outside wouldn't even be an option because small dogs become wolf chow here.

 

If a kennel was necessary and available though, I'd happily pay for it.

 

I think mil is like your mil's sister. It has not even occurred to her that we wouldn't view her dog as a member of the family.

[Jane Elliot]

Hey, I got you covered. You can borrow my dog, Tick. My parents never bring their dogs with them because Tick would rip them to shreds. I can barely convince her not to rip my parents to shreds. I'll stick a stamp on her donkey and send her right away.

 

Oh, that is so funny. Best solution I've heard yet. Maybe Tick could train our Newfie to become the mean and evil dog she is purported to be (anytime their dogs go outside our dog gets blamed for everything.) Tick won't eat my kids, will she?

[Remudamom]

Oh, that is so funny. Best solution I've heard yet. Maybe Tick could train our Newfie to become the mean and evil dog she is purported to be (anytime their dogs go outside our dog gets blamed for everything.) Tick won't eat my kids, will she?

 

Nope, she likes kids. It's adults and other dogs she doesn't care for.

[dcjlkplus3]

Maybe I am just totally clueless...but...bringing their pets with them on vacation sounds weird to me. I don't know anyone who does that regularly.

[secular_mom]

So, did you DO it yet? :D

[Jane Elliot]

Not yet! Her birthday is this weekend. Dh is having a flower arrangement delivered tomorrow and chocolate covered strawberries delivered on Thursday. (This has been planned for a few weeks.) I was thinking I could tell her tomorrow. She will be happy because of the flowers. Then, if she's upset after I tell her, the strawberries will help her get over it. Doesn't that sound like a plan?

 

ETA: I'll let you know how it goes. :-)

Edited June 9, 2009 by Luann in ID

[Jane Elliot]

Nope, she likes kids. It's adults and other dogs she doesn't care for.

 

What kind of dog is she? She sounds perfect!

[Kathy in MD]

Maybe I am just totally clueless...but...bringing their pets with them on vacation sounds weird to me. I don't know anyone who does that regularly.

 

When going home, I typically brought my dog with me. but then my parents used to dog sit for me whe I lived nearby. Only an allergic bil stopped that, and even then I often just boarded my dog nearby for the time bil was in mom's house.

 

I also take my dog with me on many backpacking (before kid) and camping trips.

[katemary63]

Maybe I am just totally clueless...but...bringing their pets with them on vacation sounds weird to me. I don't know anyone who does that regularly.

 

My mother brings her toy poodle to my house when she visits twice a year for a week each time. But then...he used to be my dog. When we moved to the farm, Sonny was absolutley thrilled.....with the fresh horse poop. We couldn't let him out for a split second or he would run into the pasture and roll in the freshest green horse poop he could find! He is white and a daily bath got tiresome real fast. That summer, when I went to visit my mom back in WI, I took the poodle and when I got ready to leave, I didn't put him in the car. She says, "Hey, you forgot Sonny!" I said, "No, I didn't. See you at Christmas!" and drove away. :lol:

 

So, It makes sense that she brings him. However, I would never bring my other dogs to her house or anyone's house that I know unless I knew that they enjoyed my dog as well as I.

[mom4him]

I haven't read any of the other post but I would just say it.

Considering the allergies we have in our family, I would really appreciate it if you would not bring your pets/dogs. We have a dog but it is kept outside so doesn't cause problems. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and we want our time together to be enjoyable for all. If the dogs come it will make it so some will not be feeling well while you are here.

[akmommy]

Maybe I am just totally clueless...but...bringing their pets with them on vacation sounds weird to me. I don't know anyone who does that regularly.

 

 

We do. Unless we can find a friend or family member we can completely trust to take care of them while we are away. I had a bad kennel experience as a teenager and just cannot bring myself to trust my animals to complete strangers. Most of our family understands this and we find ways to make everyone happy, but we don't have any allergy issues to contend with. I would absolutely make sure we could arrange for the dogs to be cared for at home before I took them to someones home that I knew was allergic.

[Friederike in Persia]

Im not so good on figuring out dates on this board. But surely, by now it's "tomorrow" and you've told them. HOW DID IT GO?????

[Pamela H in Texas]

Friederike,

 

It's EARLY in the states. Like BEFORE "bright" (in bright and early). :)

 

At the time of your post, it was 5:40 on the east coast and 2:40 on the west coast!

[Renee in NC]

Maybe I am just totally clueless...but...bringing their pets with them on vacation sounds weird to me. I don't know anyone who does that regularly.

 

I take my dogs with me when I go to visit my Mom, BUT she has 2 labs and I have 2 labs and so it works. I couldn't afford a kennel, so if we couldn't take the dogs we would have to stay home (they are inside dogs.)

[Friederike in Persia]

Friederike,

 

It's EARLY in the states. Like BEFORE "bright" (in bright and early). :)

 

At the time of your post, it was 5:40 on the east coast and 2:40 on the west coast!

 

Wow, what are you doing up then?

 

I tend to gage the time in the States by how many posters are on, but is there a more accurate way to do so? (This would not include working it out from our local time, I hate doing that one:tongue_smilie:)

[Mrs. Readsalot]

They probably don't realize that it is a problem because you have a dog. They may think you keep your outside when they are their so the dogs won't creat to much of a racket inside. That said I would say to them. I know I have never told you this but, we keep out dog outside all the time because x, y, and z have allergies. I know you love your dog, and we do too but having a dog in the house is causing medical issues for x, y and z. So due to our no dogs in the house medical requirement you will need to make other arrangements for Fido during your visit. Now don't be surprised it they decide not to come. Making last minute arrangement for a dog's care during a vacation can be difficult. Also don't be surprise if they don't come because they feel insulted ( shocking but it happens) This is not your problem it is theirs and I would not let it bother me.

We have and love our dog, ours is in the house, I keep her nails filed so they do not scratch the hardwood. I also keep them filed because she does pet therapy and dog shows. We have a relative with a pit bull mix that has VERY long nails and is not nice to other dogs. We have never allowed the dog in our house. They still love us. So this hopefully will not be a problem for you.

KAren

[MelanieM]

I agree with just telling them straight up. Here's how I would probably phrase it:

 

"I'm wondering if you'll be leaving the dogs home this time, or would you like me to look into boarding options for while you're here? I'd be happy to help you find a place for them if you want them near by."

 

This puts the ball in their court with three options for response - taking one of your proposed solutions, or offering up a surprised "well, we thought they'd stay with us at your place!" To which you can gently respond "oh, that was so hard on H and the kids last time because of their allergies, so it really isn't going to work out to have them in the house."

 

I can't see how anyone could possibly argue with this reasoning, or get offended by this approach. Best of luck to you!

[FlockOfSillies]

Well, if it helps at all, the West Coast is GMT -7.

[Catwoman]

They let their dogs everywhere -- on the furniture, in our cars, on the beds, in our bedroom... everywhere.

 

Perhaps you could ask if they could leave the dogs at home, but if they can't find a pet sitter, you could agree to let them bring the dogs as long as they are confined to one room (or the basement, or the garage, or wherever...) There's no reason your family should suffer because of the dogs, but if your in-laws have always brought them in the past, you'll definitely need to offer an explanation of why it's a problem.

 

Honestly, this is really your dh's responsibility, whether he wants it or not. It shouldn't be that big a deal for him to discuss it with his mom; after all, he's just trying to figure out how to deal with the allergy problem.

 

Cat

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

 

I'd research ahead of time, then I'd call and say, "Oh, by the way, I found a really nice place to board the dogs if you're planning to bring them on the trip. Dh suffered so much after the visit last time, that I thought it would be better to make arrangements ahead of time this time." Then stand your ground. I probably wouldn't offer to have them crated or in the garage, because your in-laws are likely to violate the agreement. It's been my experience that people who take their pets on vacations with them (without considering the host's wishes) seem to be the type who refuse to respect other people's wishes regarding the pets. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they cancelled the trip once you lay down the law about the dogs. Don't ask how I know this...:glare: