Interesting Discussion last night

[iquilt]

with several moms about how their kids behave better for teachers at school than they behave when home for their moms. My dc have taken outside classes with good reports from their teachers but they are also expected to behave well at home. Except for two months of K, our children have been homeschooled. I must admit I was a bit stunned to hear this; it was a new twist on the "I could never homeschool my children" response. Any experience with this? :bigear:

 

To clarify a bit, this is a group of who have been gathering monthly to talk about books but usually end up talking about the kids. I would prefer that we spent more time talking about the books and try to steer conversations in that direction, but all it takes is for one mom to start up about her "genius child" who was reading Magic Treehouse books in K and we've lost our discussion!

 

Anyway, many of these moms have children attending our local magnet elementary school for gifted children or have high hopes that their little genius will attend in the future. There is a former homeschooler whose children attend private school for 7th and 10th grades, but otherwise I'm it. I'm looking for perspective from the hive. Do your children behave better at outside classes?

[creekland]

My children behave. Period. I kind of like it that way... :)

 

I couldn't stand having a kid (of any age) be disrespectful to their parents on a regular basis (allowing for the 'human-ness' we all have).

 

Perhaps I should also add that I substitute teach math/science courses in our local high school and have for the past 10 years. Kids don't act up in my classes either - not more than once anyway... I suspect some of them probably do control - or ignore - their parents...

[Ibbygirl]

My dd does. She's been homeschooled for her entire school career so far except for one year (3rd grade). She's not naughty, but she does tend to get silly or complain over an assignment that she doesn't want to do which is something she would never do in a regular school or co-op setting. She and I have talked about this and I have told her that she needs to respect my class just as she would an outside teacher, but I think because she's at home and it's mom, it's just hard for her to treat it like a typical outside class. I would never let that deter me from homeschooling though. I just explain to my dd the rules and what behavior I expect from her and what the consequences are for breaking the rules and that the choice is hers to obey or not.

[Carrie12345]

I guess you'd have to define "behave". My ds has always done whatever a teacher has told him without question. I don't necessarily think that's a good thing. He almost never does whatever I tell him without question. It can be annoying, but I only consider it misbehaving when there's absolutely no logic behind it. Sometimes I AM wrong, and sometimes it DOESN'T have to be exactly my way.

[Chris in VA]

I had this conversation with some of the teachers were I worked this year --the "I couldn't homeschool b/c he doesn't listen to me," "We're like oil and water."

 

One of mine didn't listen to me, and he's in rehab now. I probably could have said that, but I didn't. The other two are pretty obedient--and I'm well aware now of how important communication, obedience (not in a robot way--ykwim) and respect are, so I stress it with my dd and don't take disrespect anymore.

We are working with my second son, and yes, he's very good with other people--wouldn't dream of talking back to a teacher. I don't know why.

 

Y'know, tho, his behavior may be respectful to them, but his heart isn't always. It's fear-based authority, I think. There isn't true respect sometimes--it's the fear of punishment. Anyway, I have heard that as an excuse not to homeschool.

[G5052]

I've heard the same sort of thing, and frankly when I hear that a kid behaves better at school than at home, I know that the child doesn't respect the parent like they do their teacher(s). Of course it's not something that happens in a day and is very hard to repair, particularly if the child is at school all day and if the parents both work.

 

My kids know that they are to behave everywhere including in paid homeschooling classes and activities. And they do. There were a few incidents when they were younger, but they know the score.

[Karenciavo]

My children behave at home, but my middle son works harder to please people like his Sunday School teacher, etc. We're working on that. ;) I think many people who don't home school would be surprised by how well it would go.

[Janet in Toronto]

I have two teen sons who are both great kids. That being said, older son is a drama-king and tends to be very argumentative and whiny at home (in a 17 yo way). He also tends to initiate disputes with his brother around chores, his stuff, etc. However he is a model student at school and exceedingly polite and social with our extended family and friends. Nobody believes me when I mention how high maintenance he is at home. This kind of behaviour started around puberty.

 

Younger son (14) is an "under the radar" kid. Easy going, funny, compliant at home. But he is the one who is argumentative with teachers (in a stick up for his (perceived) rights kind of way) and can do silly and foolish things at school. He is well into puberty, things are still good at home, and much improved at school.

 

So, yes, I have experience with two boys who have different behaviours inside and outside the home. Nothing dramatic, but I don't see an issue. They have different personalities and stressors. In general, they are a delight. We deal with things as they arise.

[CookieMonster]

their kids behave better for teachers at school than they behave when home for their moms.

 

In my experience, homeschool or no, it's common for children to generally "behave better" for other adult authority figures in fun - or unfamiliar - social situations. I've observed the same phenomenon in adults. Homeschooled or not, kids do tune mom out to a certain extent. I think, generally, they just need less corrective discipline from those not in the mom role.

 

Classroom teachers, along with favorite aunts, don't put the kids down for bed at night, discipline kids way mom does, have long boring stretches of real life with kids, take long car trips with kids, or watch while kids eat the required two bites of everything on their plate before they're excused from the table. When you combine the distance of the relationship with the expectation of fun or social stimulation, kids naturally behave better.

[Danestress]

My youngest two are extremely well behaved at home and in public. They don't go to school, but when they are in the care of others (like at sports) they are probably especially well behaved. I have raised them that way. At home, they relax. They are more likely to bicker with each other or complain or be a bit grumpy at home - though really, they are very good boys at home too. They wouldn't do that in front of other people. I have a "best behavior" policy when we are with extended family or with friends, and they are impressively well behaved. I really don't expect that all the time at home, any more than I expect to be perfectly patient at home at all times, though I probably am more patient when others are around.

 

My oldest I adopted at 5. He was soooooo well behaved for me and I was shocked to find that he was being ornery at school. In counseling, it came out that he was trying to be really really good for me because he didn't want me to leave. His first Mom had died, and he wanted his second Mom to stick around. He felt more comfortable being naughty at school. That was very sad, and I actually considered it a great sign when he was in 7th or 8th grade and he was giving us some lip at home but the teachers reported that he was great at school. Home had become a place where he felt comfortable griping, but he understood that we didn't think teachers should have to deal with his angst.

 

It just seems really normal to me that adults and kids behave better in public than in private. If DH is crabby with me in front of other people, I would consider that very insulting. But I don't expect him to never ever be crabby. I just expect it to be more private. I don't expect my children to never ever whine or be fussy. But I do expect them to not be that way when they are in the care of others. I think this is sort of old fashioned - that parents demand that their children have impeccable behavior for teachers and other adults who are caring for them. I think modern mothers are more likely to expect teachers to put up with "well, Johnny is special and you have to figure out how to handle him." No. When I was growing up no kid was so "special" that adults had to figure him out. Every kid was simply expected to give the teacher no trouble. But no one can be perfect all the time, and home was a place where you could be a little more relaxed.

[iquilt]

;) I think many people who don't home school would be surprised by how well it would go.

 

See, I think they would be surprised too! We had more behavior problems from our oldest while she was in ps K, I spent more time correcting behavior that she had learned. I know her comments hit closer to home because her child is the the exact class, at the same ps, with the same teacher that I pulled my child out of after two months. I know they are different children (vastly different) but I can't help myself to compare their experiences. I guess that's normal.

[katemary63]

My son (not homeschooled) was horrible at home! ( at least according to what I expected of him.) I went to every teacher conference expecting to hear all the aweful things he did and said. But I never heard them. I'd say, "Is he disrespectful to you? Is he kind to the other boys? Does he obey right away?" All I ever got were descriptions of a kid I wouldn't recognize. They all loved him, said he was an angel. I never got over it, was shocked EVERY time.

 

There are situations where a strong willed child chooses a person to express all the rebelion to and behaves properly to everyone else. That was the case for my son. He let me have it all. And all the other adults in his life thought he was amazing. Even other kid's parents gushed over what a kind, thoughtful, respectul, mature kid he was. I was like....HUH????? But it worked out in the end. He is 22 and he is great! Lives at home and loves me. :001_smile:

 

I have 3 girls and all of them have been angels at home as well as in public so....go figure.

[iquilt]

Does better behavior at school (or for others) necessarily correlate to better learning? I think that is the real question that I've been considering since our conversation last night. I plan to ask her that when I see her again this weekend. What do you think?

[rowan25]

My dd does. She's been homeschooled for her entire school career so far except for one year (3rd grade). She's not naughty, but she does tend to get silly or complain over an assignment that she doesn't want to do which is something she would never do in a regular school or co-op setting. She and I have talked about this and I have told her that she needs to respect my class just as she would an outside teacher, but I think because she's at home and it's mom, it's just hard for her to treat it like a typical outside class. I would never let that deter me from homeschooling though. I just explain to my dd the rules and what behavior I expect from her and what the consequences are for breaking the rules and that the choice is hers to obey or not.

:iagree:

[rowan25]

I have two teen sons who are both great kids. That being said, older son is a drama-king and tends to be very argumentative and whiny at home (in a 17 yo way). He also tends to initiate disputes with his brother around chores, his stuff, etc. However he is a model student at school and exceedingly polite and social with our extended family and friends. Nobody believes me when I mention how high maintenance he is at home. This kind of behaviour started around puberty.

 

Younger son (14) is an "under the radar" kid. Easy going, funny, compliant at home. But he is the one who is argumentative with teachers (in a stick up for his (perceived) rights kind of way) and can do silly and foolish things at school. He is well into puberty, things are still good at home, and much improved at school.

 

So, yes, I have experience with two boys who have different behaviours inside and outside the home. Nothing dramatic, but I don't see an issue. They have different personalities and stressors. In general, they are a delight. We deal with things as they arise.

:iagree: This too. :)

[rowan25]

It just seems really normal to me that adults and kids behave better in public than in private. If DH is crabby with me in front of other people, I would consider that very insulting. But I don't expect him to never ever be crabby. I just expect it to be more private. I don't expect my children to never ever whine or be fussy. But I do expect them to not be that way when they are in the care of others. I think this is sort of old fashioned - that parents demand that their children have impeccable behavior for teachers and other adults who are caring for them. I think modern mothers are more likely to expect teachers to put up with "well, Johnny is special and you have to figure out how to handle him." No. When I was growing up no kid was so "special" that adults had to figure him out. Every kid was simply expected to give the teacher no trouble. But no one can be perfect all the time, and home was a place where you could be a little more relaxed.

This is the way we were raised and the way we are raising our kids as well. Worked for us! :D

[kokotg]

Mine are generally better behaved for other adults than for me. I think that's pretty normal; they feel more comfortable with me, and it's safer for them to test limits. Also, they're just fairly shy kids (especially my oldest), so if they have a problem with something when another adult is around, they're less likely to speak up. Heh--they're also more likely to be brotherless when they're taking outside classes, and they're much more angelic when they can't conspire with each other ;).

 

I've often thought that if my oldest were in school, he'd keep everything in during the day and we'd have to deal with all the pent up energy and anxiety being unleashed in the evenings...I can certainly see how, if I didn't know better, that would lead to me thinking I could never homeschool him.

[Tabrett]

One reason we may think dc act better for other people is because other people don't expect as much from our dc as we(parents) do. When I taught public school, I excepted much worse behavior from students than I would allow from my own dc. If an assignement wasn't completed, my students receive a 0. I might act dissapointed, but that would be the end of it. No punishment. The 0 is the punishmnet. At home I don't allow an assignment to not be completed. If a dc turned in sloppy work, at public school, I didn't make them redo the assignment. At home it would be redone. I think we expect more that is why we receive more resistance.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

My son (not homeschooled) was horrible at home! ( at least according to what I expected of him.) I went to every teacher conference expecting to hear all the aweful things he did and said. But I never heard them. I'd say, "Is he disrespectful to you? Is he kind to the other boys? Does he obey right away?" All I ever got were descriptions of a kid I wouldn't recognize. They all loved him, said he was an angel. I never got over it, was shocked EVERY time.

 

 

 

And she is shocked every time too. She can't recognize the child the teachers describe as the same child she has at home.

 

My own children behave much better for their outside instructors than they do me. I do think they are more willing to test me and push limits with me than with a stranger. Also, they don't want to be admonished in front of their peers - so they stay in line better in a classroom environment.

 

K

[Medieval Mom]

One reason we may think dc act better for other people is because other people don't expect as much from our dc as we(parents) do. When I taught public school, I excepted much worse behavior from students than I would allow from my own dc. If an assignement wasn't completed, my students receive a 0. I might act dissapointed, but that would be the end of it. No punishment. The 0 is the punishmnet. At home I don't allow an assignment to not be completed. If a dc turned in sloppy work, at public school, I didn't make them redo the assignment. At home it would be redone. I think we expect more that is why we receive more resistance.

 

:iagree:

[Laurie4b]

Actually, I behave better for other people than I do for my family, :) so I'm not surprised that my kids do as well. My family certainly sees more of my sin and shortcomings and gets more apologies and requests for forgiveness than do others.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Actually, I behave better for other people than I do for my family, :) so I'm not surprised that my kids do as well. My family certainly sees more of my sin and shortcomings and gets more apologies and requests for forgiveness than do others.

 

:D This is so true for me as well as dh.

 

K

[Stacy in NJ]

parenting.

 

My kiddos are, overall, pretty well behaved. That said, they do behave better for outside teachers. I think that's a natural occurance because we all tend to relax and be more ourselves with our loved ones and close friends.

 

But, I also think it's important as a parent to be able to work through this type of thing. Being able to create a cooperative, respective environment with my boys is important to me. If I were sending them off to school every day, I could see the temptation to deal less with issues of uncooperation and poor attitude. As homeschoolers, we can't push these issues to the background and rely on teachers and schools to deal with our difficult children. It's part of what can make homeschool such a rewarding and family building life choice. Homeschooling has made me a better parent.:001_smile:

 

ETA: *where*

Edited June 4, 2009 by Stacy in NJ
sp

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm surprised you're suprised to hear this actually. This is one of the common reasons people give for "I could never homeschool." I usually think, "well, yeah, but teachers are getting them the best time of day and you get them the worst." I also know that people who choose to could have their kids behaving well at home with a bit more consistency. There is a lot of motivation to gain that consistency if your kid is home all day with you and would drive you nuts if you didn't discipline well.

 

BUT....I'm not sure how true my theories are. I've read this board and other homeschool boards for YEARS (like 13). And over time, the number of discipline problems have grown exponentially. More and more people are having issues with their kids. And a lot of time, people ask for help but then refuse to put those things in action so ask similar questions the next month. The parents just aren't very disciplined.

 

So maybe some people really "could never homeschool" well because they wouldn't utilize that better part of the day and be consistent with discipline in order to get it done. There are excuses galore, but in the end, children need an education. And maybe it's better for their kiddos to be in schools where, even if the standards aren't that great, they are upheld more often than not.

 

Anyway, MY kids didn't behave better for other people. My daughter was probably THE easiest kid on the face of the earth anyway so that isn't telling. And my son is just different so I can't really explain that situation. REgardless, my children did know that *I* would handle an issue if it came up with someone else.

 

But a lot of people have a lot of trouble with their kids these days.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Actually, I behave better for other people than I do for my family, :) so I'm not surprised that my kids do as well. My family certainly sees more of my sin and shortcomings and gets more apologies and requests for forgiveness than do others.

 

VERY VERY true....

[KristenS]

We did a few years of Mother's Day Out before starting our full-time homeschooling. At three and four my son was going through a seriously awful tantrum phase. I could hardly take him shopping, he'd wail for hours at any perceived disappointment, and so on. Real Supernanny material. (Actually, we later had him evaluated for autism based on that and some other behaviors, but that turned out not to be the problem.)

 

BUT ... his 'teachers' never saw that side of him. If he was upset at school, he'd almost always bottle it up until I picked him up, and then in the car he'd just start bawling.

 

This was really disturbing to me, because I could always see it in his face on those days, that he was holding something in ... why couldn't they see it?

 

He's MUCH better now about the tantrums, due to much patience and discipline and working on techniques to help him cope. I KNOW that homeschooling helped in this area, because it meant I could help him on a full-time basis, not just after school and on weekends, plus it cut down on the number of stressful situations he had to deal with. I am here to coach him through situations (he's 7 now) and it's just much better.

 

(FWIW, the mother's day out program is a pretty good one, and he did enjoy attending. The last couple years I also taught there one day a week, so I got to see how things operated pretty well.)

 

My kids were also clingy when young, and I'd take the time to stay with them till they were comfortable ... which led to lots less crying than the drop-and-run moms who had to hurry to work. Not that I am blaming them ... life is what it is ... but I did feel bad for the moms and kids who didn't have the luxury to ease into each new morning.

[Staci in MO]

There are a lot of ways to look at this.

 

Home is where my dc are safe and loved unconditionally. No one is going to tease them if they don't do well at something. They're not going to be called a baby if they burst into tears of frustration. So, yes, their guards are down when they're home. My ds who struggles at handwriting is going to try super hard for others because he knows he's not good at it and he doesn't want them to see that. My dd who gets emotional when she's hungry is going to be more forthright at home than a friends house about asking if dinner's ready. That's slightly different than misbehaving. But I would imagine if they were in school having to hold it together all day long, there would be more letting off steam when they got home...where it's safe.

 

On a related note, most dc in public schools are exhausted. Dc in my neighborhood get on the bus at 7am and get home at 4pm. They're in school all day long, not to mention the emotional minefield that is middle school and junior high. Then they have to face a mountain of homework, go to soccer, they're not in bed until after ten... just to get up and start all over again. I think the pace at which most families today live their lives is physically and emotionally unhealthy. When friends with dc in ps complain about how moody their dc are, I'm not surprised. I'd be moody, too, if I had to keep their schedule.

 

I also think as a parent I sometimes forget to focus on the positive. Last night dh and I were at the golf course without the dc. Another man stopped us and complimented us on our oldest. He had apparently been very kind to this man's young son a while back and he wanted to let us know. It made me realize that while I'm busy barking at my ds over picking up his messes and being more responsible with his time, I'm forgetting to recognize that he's really a great kid in a lot of ways. :blushing: So maybe the dc aren't acting that much better for others, but the others are pointing out things that the parents might forget about it the hubbub of daily living.

[Pamela H in Texas]

My kids were also clingy when young, and I'd take the time to stay with them till they were comfortable ... which led to lots less crying than the drop-and-run moms who had to hurry to work. Not that I am blaming them ... life is what it is ... but I did feel bad for the moms and kids who didn't have the luxury to ease into each new morning.

 

It was more probably a difference in children's needs. There are PLENTY of kids that would be upset while mom was there and STILL freak when mom left. I would guess MOST criers are that sort actually. It tells these kids, "I know you'll be just fine" to leave them in capable hands. ANd the majority of those kids quit clinging and crying much more quickly that way than your way. Of course, I think it's GREAT that you did what worked for y'all. The majority of the other families had probably already learned that their drop and run method was the best way for the child not to be as upset as long, know that mom was confident that they'd be just fine, etc. I told more than a few parents to try this method because it works so much better for so many more children.

[iquilt]

So maybe some people really "could never homeschool" well because they wouldn't utilize that better part of the day and be consistent with discipline in order to get it done. There are excuses galore, but in the end, children need an education. And maybe it's better for their kiddos to be in schools where, even if the standards aren't that great, they are upheld more often than not.

 

:iagree: Oh I agree that not everyone should homeschool. I've never told this friend that she should homeschool or that it's better or anything, she's just the type to have an opinion about everything and also the type to share that opinion over and over and over and over again:lol:. I'm used to it. Her oldest is doing just fine in ps K.

 

Of my three only one has not been terrific in other classes and he is my youngest. They all do terrific work at home, also, so I was a bit stunned by her assumption that I work so much harder than they do at the local ps.

[scrapbookbuzz]

In my experience, homeschool or no, it's common for children to generally "behave better" for other adult authority figures in fun - or unfamiliar - social situations. I've observed the same phenomenon in adults. Homeschooled or not, kids do tune mom out to a certain extent. I think, generally, they just need less corrective discipline from those not in the mom role.

 

Classroom teachers, along with favorite aunts, don't put the kids down for bed at night, discipline kids way mom does, have long boring stretches of real life with kids, take long car trips with kids, or watch while kids eat the required two bites of everything on their plate before they're excused from the table. When you combine the distance of the relationship with the expectation of fun or social stimulation, kids naturally behave better.

 

:iagree:Succinctly put! When I was bemoaning this challenge a couple of years ago to our then homeschool support group, they all told me that this was common AND to take heart because, 1) home was where they felt safe to 'decompress' and 2) if I was getting reports from other adults such as, "She's so polite" or "He's very well mannered" then I was obviously doing something right! That advice has helped me SO MUCH since then!

[HeatherInWI]

My children are well-behaved at home, but they are perfectly behaved in Sunday School, homeschool group, science class, etc., because they know that they will be pulled from those groups if they misbehave and they know that their parents ask the leaders how things have gone.

 

But yes, I had a friend who used to be on-the-go with her little ones all the time, because they were good for everyone else and terrors at home. She wasn't much of a disciplinarian and had no support from her husband. I'm sorry, but simply trying to reason with preschoolers, with no consequences whatsoever for disobedience, just doesn't work with the average child!

[BikeBookBread]

I had this EXACT situation arise yesterday! DD5 just finished Christian School Pre-K two weeks ago, and we jumped right into homeschooling because she was just so excited about it!

 

I observed her often at preK and she was the perfect little princess. Sitting erect, watching with rapt attention -- awe inspiring to a parent!

 

NOW that she's home, it's the silly-giggle-wiggle girl. I asked her if this is how she behaved for Mrs. R, and she said, "No Mommy, I'd have to go into time out!" She also kind of got irritated with me yesterday because she said that "homeschool was too much fun" -- that she thought it would be more WORK! HA! HA!

 

So I guess it's a balance. Part of the thing is she is reacting to the "fun" aspect by acting in a funny-silly way. I guess that's okay - she IS learning. And I'm sure the novelty will wear off as we get into a groove.

[Ferdie]

My children express their emotions more openly at home. There are times when my kids get frustrated with a school problem and they show it. On bad days, when they are tired or off it comes out in their words and tone. In 6years of homeschooling I've had tears, slammed books, broken pencils, many unkind words and have listened to unpleasant tones. My kids rarely act that way in public, at church or in their co-op classes. To me it is one of the dark sides of homeschooling.

 

On the flip side all these outbursts present teachable moments where we can talk about and practice perserverance, self-control and the importance of a cheerful attitude.

[PeterPan]

Wait 2 or 3 years, and you'll understand them better, lol. I never thought school would cross my mind, till my dd hit 10. You've got hormones, growth spurts, spurting individuality, the beginning of logic-stage argumentation... Yup, I could totally see where a mom, looking back, wouldn't have wanted to deal with this. So just give yourself a few years, let things get harder, and you'll understand them. Not that you'll drop homeschooling or make the same choices they did, but you'll at least understand WHY other people could feel other ways. And the gifted/accelerated thing totally exacerbates it. When your kid wakes up every morning saying they're bored, despite being bumped up grades ahead in each subject, you know something is wrong. And it's wrong whether you do more or less, textbooks or loose. It's not always easy, and it only gets more complex, as you start looking for inner marks of maturity (drive, etc.) and struggle to figure out how to help them get there. It's not easy. If I had a magnet school close enough to be sensible, there are days I'd be in line. :)

[Impish]

Kids are safe at home, and therefore are more likely to misbehave, act out, test limits. They don't have that same security anywhere else, so they are more likely to 'behave better' elsewhere.

 

Then you have kids like the teammate of Diva's :glare:

[PeterPan]

My children express their emotions more openly at home. There are times when my kids get frustrated with a school problem and they show it. On bad days, when they are tired or off it comes out in their words and tone. In 6years of homeschooling I've had tears, slammed books, broken pencils, many unkind words and have listened to unpleasant tones. My kids rarely act that way in public, at church or in their co-op classes. To me it is one of the dark sides of homeschooling.

 

On the flip side all these outbursts present teachable moments where we can talk about and practice perserverance, self-control and the importance of a cheerful attitude.

 

:iagree: And with each year, they come more into themselves and have more of that to express. Like SWB says, there are days when you hold your head and wonder if you're screwing 'em up... But yeah, they look so congenial, angelic, and delightful with everybody else. 80% angel, 20% demon. ;)

[BikeBookBread]

My children express their emotions more openly at home. There are times when my kids get frustrated with a school problem and they show it. On bad days, when they are tired or off it comes out in their words and tone. In 6years of homeschooling I've had tears, slammed books, broken pencils, many unkind words and have listened to unpleasant tones. My kids rarely act that way in public, at church or in their co-op classes. To me it is one of the dark sides of homeschooling.

 

On the flip side all these outbursts present teachable moments where we can talk about and practice perserverance, self-control and the importance of a cheerful attitude.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement :grouphug:. I'm the one who needs self-control the most much of the time -- see my plea for help in the thread about the perfectionist DD5.5 -- after thinking about it and talking with my DH, it really does look like I am the one who needs to adjust MY behavior!

[SonshineLearner]

I also think that it's kinda like when I nannied. I loved the kids and yet I had walked in on them when they were partially formed. It was easy for me to be strict, because I wanted obedient children that I could take out. I had them for 10 hrs a day...and then they were with their parents...(boy was that scary...talk about no obedience....parents would walk in...kids start screaming and demanding cookies:-)!!)

Anyway, so...teachers get these already partially formed students, that know basic social rules...and the teacher gets a fresh start (as do the students) Teacher demands respect...Student gives it.....(hopefully). Anyway, there are teachers who can demand respect in a classroom....and get it...and still have crazy little children at home....:-)

Carrie

[Jean in Newcastle]

I knew that I was going to homeschool even before my children were born. So I made sure that I trained them to respect and obey me. (Not that I wouldn't want to do that anyway - but I knew that I'd have them home with me all day IYKWIM).

 

But having said that, as others have mentioned, my kids are not afraid to let me see what is going on in their heart. And so that is another thing we work on. We work on expressing emotions appropriately (but not repressing them) even in a setting where you are less inhibited. We work on the attitudes behind the behavior.

 

We pray together and confess our sins together. I have a certain standard of behavior (more relaxed than "best behavior") that I require at home - no matter what state their heart is in. But I am so blessed to see my children's hearts changing through the power of the Holy Spirit. Now my children are starting to behave with godly hearts even in a "safe" setting. And I hope that my kids are starting to see me behaving with a godly heart even in a "safe" setting.

[Desert Rat]

This is a tough question and I really had to think about it. Do my dc behave better for others? Hmm....I think they are less willing to question other authority figures (TKD master, coaches, etc.) but I don't think they behave any differently.

I do allow more questioning than many parents would. My dc are allowed to doubt what I'm asking of them as long as it is phrased respectfully. I think intent is what matters. They can ask why we are doing math first but not "Do we haavvveee to do math first?!" KWIM? It's definitely a fine line between blind obedience and conscious following and I work on it all the time. In my childhood I feel like I blindly followed which I blame for me not standing up to others as much as I think I should.

Did I answer the question? :o

[KristenS]

It was more probably a difference in children's needs. There are PLENTY of kids that would be upset while mom was there and STILL freak when mom left. I would guess MOST criers are that sort actually. It tells these kids, "I know you'll be just fine" to leave them in capable hands. ANd the majority of those kids quit clinging and crying much more quickly that way than your way. Of course, I think it's GREAT that you did what worked for y'all. The majority of the other families had probably already learned that their drop and run method was the best way for the child not to be as upset as long, know that mom was confident that they'd be just fine, etc. I told more than a few parents to try this method because it works so much better for so many more children.

 

Actually, the criers didn't learn it was okay. They stayed criers.

 

(Granted, this is one small program, so my statistical sample is small ... but from what I observed, the drop-and-run was okay for a very small percentage of kids, and the rest fussed the whole year. Maybe they were better the next year though.)

 

It does matter about the child's personality, definitely! Even babies have different temperaments.

 

(And I am the ultimate in paranoid mamas, LOL. So I know I can be overprotective and coddling at times. Working on it, I promise!)