Why must folks stare at my son in his wheelchair?

[Pajama Mama]

I understand if someone looks at my son in his chair. The problem *I* have is folks who gawk at him like he's a circus attraction. I usually just gawk back at them and give them a glare. Kids are the worst at staring(although many adults stare too) I understand that kids are curious. I am sooo open to people especially children coming up and talking to my son. I encourage questions. But these people who have the unwavering stare are really making me mad.

 

My dd made her 1st Communion this past Sunday. One of the other girls making her Communion kept staring at my son through the whole service. She had to twist her body around to look at us. The service was an hour and half long. I gave her the evil eye several times. I really wanted to chuck my shoe at her. After the service, several people commented on this girl and her staring. If it hadn't been her 1st Communion, I would have gone up afterwards and said something to her. I wouldn't have yelled but I would have said something.

 

I see parents in church or another place that don't tell their kids that staring is wrong. They just seem happy that their kid is quiet. My son is mentally challenged so he doesn't feel badly when people stare. But another child who would be able to understand would feel hurt or embarrassed.

 

I guess I don't really need advice. Just send good thoughts and vibes my way. I need to have more patience for ignorant people.

[Jennifer in MI]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

I do have a question for you though. We were at a conference last weekend, and my dd3 made fast friends with a boy in a wheelchair. He couldn't talk, but my dd was really drawn to him and she showed off all the tricks she knew for him. She asked me why he was in a wheelchair (the mother didn't hear her asking me). Would it have been appropriate for me to ask the mother? I never know what's rude in those situations.

[Pajama Mama]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

I do have a question for you though. We were at a conference last weekend, and my dd3 made fast friends with a boy in a wheelchair. He couldn't talk, but my dd was really drawn to him and she showed off all the tricks she knew for him. She asked me why he was in a wheelchair (the mother didn't hear her asking me). Would it have been appropriate for me to ask the mother? I never know what's rude in those situations.

 

*I* wouldn't have problem with folks asking questions but some parents might. For some it might be a touchy subject. You didn't mention the child in wheelchair's age or if they were mentally challenged. I think if the child in the wheelchair wasn't mentally challenged they might feel awkward discussing why they are disabled with a virtual stranger. The child would overhear you talking about them. I would just talk to the child as if they were just the same as you or me. A kid in a wheelchair already stands out enough. Treat them as you would anyone else. You can discuss things with your dd later when you are in the car.

[purplecow7]

Hugs - first people are rude and say and do stupid things. I can not speak from personal experience, but I can tell you what my SIL does. She has a child with dwarfism and people stare. Depending on the time and place she looks at these as learning opportunities and has created a few educational moments to share. Basically if people stare -and she has a moment. She just says this is my dd, her name is and she has a condition called dwarfism...etc.... She has talked to her dd about being a dwarf and while her dd still hopes that someday she will grow - she knows that she probable will not.

 

I was probable one of those people who looked twice at a child in a wheelchair or special needs child. But now that I am a more educated person thanks to learning what my SIL experiences I have changed. If I see my children staring at someone or something. I just state the facts. Like that is a wheelchair, he is in it because he may have trouble walking. My children also have friends who brother has downs - so we have explained that to them as well. When we explained to them about their cousin we just explained she has a condition called dwarfism. Just like you have green eyes or you have blue eyes - this is just how she was born. Just like you are not defined by your eye color she is not defined by her size. It is who she is.

 

Not sure if this helps or not. I do know my SIL gets sick of explaining things and some days she is better at it then others. However she does have a few zingers when she runs accross people that will never be educated.

[Mommy22alyns]

:grouphug:

[Stacia]

Here ya go:

 

 

:grouphug:

 

For the poster who asked about asking about the child in the wheelchair.... We have close friends whose child is in a wheelchair. In his case, it is a physical disability. If kids that he doesn't know come up to him & ask him about why he's in a wheelchair, he will often say that he doesn't want to answer them or talk about it. It's his perogative & I can see why he doesn't want to discuss it all the time, esp. w/ people he doesn't know. It must get tiring because so many people come up to him *just because* he IS in a wheelchair. Otoh, he has no problems w/ other kids coming up to talk or chat in general (this happens all the time) and he's extremely outgoing.

 

I think I'd just talk privately with your dd about the many reasons why someone could need a wheelchair & not ask strangers about it in their particular cases, though going up to say hi, chat, or smile would probably be welcomed.

 

(Just my outsider's point of view....)

[Spy Car]

In-coming good vibes headed your way :grouphug:

 

Bill

[Desert Rat]

Aww, big hugs. Your position has to be hard especially in a place where you couldn't say or doing anything. If it helps any, I'm raising my children to not stare but I do explain why a person looks different when we are alone. (Sometimes it helps to know people are concerned about the same issues and taking steps to work on them.)

As a side note...My dad had polio as a child and although he can walk, he obviously has no calf muscle in one leg. It never looked weird to me because that's just my dad. Well, as a teenager I remember one of the youth group kids at church asking what happened to his leg. My dad replied, "I was attacked by a bear." I was dumbstruck! I have since heard many stories about his leg, all of them brilliant and funny, none of them true. He's willing to talk about it his leg but I was always impressed that he wears shorts and sandals and never tries to hide this part of him.

Take care.

[stripe]

I understand if someone looks at my son in his chair. The problem *I* have is folks who gawk at him like he's a circus attraction. I usually just gawk back at them and give them a glare.

I'm so sorry.

 

People have been staring at my family for years (even when we're in the car), and it's totally irritating. I usually let me husband do the "glare" but I did once stare down one man so much he told me to leave him alone .... and then I caught him staring again!

[Kelli in TN]

If I ever accidentally stare at you or your dear son please know that in my head I am admiring you for your strength and praying for you both.

 

I think people sometimes don't even realize that they are staring.

[Ali in OR]

I know that stare very well. My dd is non verbal and also mostly blind. I'm thankful that she doesn't see the stares. It is almost always kids younger than 10 who do the staring. I love the public school that she is in that hosts the life skills classes for severely disabled kids. The disabled kids spend time in a mainstream class too, and because they are around special needs kids, the mainstream kids in her school are just wonderful. But kids from other schools do just stare and stare. We sit through 1.5 hours of gymnastics for her sisters on Wednesdays, and even though we are there every week there are still kids who are supposed to be paying attention to their gymnastics class that spend way too much of the time staring at dd. Home schoolers are no more polite by the way. The one day I had to take her to a co-op class was not fun. Lots of staring.

 

I have no problem discussing why dd is in a wheelchair. I love it when kids come up to ask questions. The easiest answer is that she is in a chair because she can't walk. I tell them her brain is different. I explain that she loves playing with handheld toys because she can't see. But the stare...it gets to me too.

 

Hugs to you and your precious son.

[Mere2]

Hmmmm...we are going for a wheelchair fitting this thursday. In the last couple of months, we have received lots of stares, comments and plain rudeness over my sons medical condition. I've even contemplated taking out an add in the local newspaper to say stop being so rude.:tongue_smilie:

 

We use ACROD (disabled) car parking. We have all the appropriate forms etc displayed in the car. The other day I had a lady stalk us (yes stalk!!), look at the car for the disable sticker (yes it was there) and then stalk us some more and then verbally abused me (in front of my child) for parking in a disabled car spot. It was awful....my DS is only 4 1/2yrs old....fancy being abused for being disabled.:confused:

 

Maybe you could get the church to give a sermon on treating people with disabilities respectfully. Either that or contact the local optometrist and explain that you come across alot of people with staring disease and what is the treatment so you can advise people?!:tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug: From one Mummy to another :grouphug:

 

Fi

[Pajama Mama]

I appreciate the good vibes and nice stories. It's great that you folks are teaching your kids that children with disabilities are people just like them. Their disability doesn't make them less of a person or someone whose feelings are less hurt. My other 2 kids do feel awkward at times because of how people stare at us.

 

A few years ago ds11 got into a fight with his friend. The mom called and was mad because my ds hit her son. I spoke with ds and discovered he hit his friend because his friend said that ds's brother(my other ds) wasn't a "real brother". He made a few comments and my ds decked him. I know I shouldn't have been-but I was proud of ds for sticking up for his little brother. When I told the boy's mom *why* my son hit her son, she was glad that my son stuck up for his brother. The boy was in alot of trouble with his mom and was grounded. He never said anything like that again.

[LNC]

double post

Edited May 6, 2009 by LNC

[LNC]

My oldest is profoundly mentally & physically disabled and totally blind - so he isn't aware of stares or questions. I have never minded either. When I was a girl, about 10yo, I was waiting to tour Plymouth. A bus of schoolchildren with various handicaps including Down syndrome arrived. As the children got off the bus and got in line I remember staring and feeling bad, then I passed out!!!! I felt terrible, but for some reason seeing them was upsetting to me. Then, in college I volunteered with disabled adults but I felt very uncomfortable.

 

I love being around children and adults with disabilities now of course. But, I'm sensitive to anyone being scared or uncomfortable, especially children, bc I used to be. I also have times when I am very irritated- such as people who request not to eat near him or relatives who act like he doesn't exist! I rarely see anyone as disabled as my son out and about. It's not common for most people to be around the profoundly disabled. Maybe that will change just with our children being out with their loving families. :grouphug:

[OhM]

:grouphug: I never understood this until last summer. We were vacationing with friends, and their dd uses a wheelchair. We took her on a walk down the beach, and it was ridiculous! People would just whip their heads around to watch! Kids stopped and stared open-mouthed.

 

Several people had reactions you would expect: look up, notice something out of the ordinary, make note of it, smile and nod, and go back about their business, but others almost fell over watching her. Some even had to point her out to their friends.

 

When we got back, I commented on it, and friend said that was pretty normal; not even exceptionally bad. I couldn't believe they had to put up with that constantly.

 

So - now I understand; definitely - hugs to you and your ds!

[CactusPair]

:grouphug: I am sorry this painful event happened to you and your family.

 

I have a theory about why people stare at others who use a wheelchair. It is only a theory--not scientifically-based or tried at all. I apologize, too, from the bottom of my heart if my idea offends or hurts you. That is not my intention at all!

 

I have MS. One day I might use a wheelchair myself, so I think about "the chair" not infrequently. I have had relapses that have affected my walking noticably, so I have experienced "the stare", too, as well as the comments.

 

Most people, in my opinion, do not mean to be rude. They probably don't know they're being rude and may not even realize how much they're staring. They get kind of locked in and don't know it. This doesn't excuse their behavior and take the pain of being stared at away, though.

 

My theory is they stare because they are scared, scared in a deep primal way that they probably cannot articulate. They most likely don't know that they're scared. But I think they are terrified, in fact.

 

They are terrified that "this" --being in a wheelchair, having an illness that requires wheelchair use--could happen to them, will happen to them. This idea is so unsettling to them, so strange, such a mystery, and they can't wrap their mind around it. The idea leaves them feeling very, very out-of-control. And they don't know how to handle these feelings.

 

So they stare. They stare as a way to try and surmount these very unsettling feelings, this terror about being out of control and at the mercy of "fate". Staring is an unconscious way of trying to process, work through, overcome and gain control over something they don't understand and cannot control.

 

They don't know why the person is in a wheelchair. Even if they know the real reason the person uses a chair, they stil don't know why-- why this happened, why are they sick, why did God let this happen to them, what does it mean? Then they think, could this happen to me, will it happen to me, no it couldn't, could it? I'm not like them, am I? am I?

 

The stare helps them both grapple with the idea and distance themselves from it. But it is rude and painful for everyone around.

 

So anyway this is my idea, what I tell myself to prepare myself for the day that I may be the one stared at all the time.

 

This is kind of on another note, but I was very struck by this person's approach to life and handling of extremely painful situations. I just read about it today. It was in an article about the woman who received the first face transplant in the US.

 

About 5 years ago her husband blasted her with a shotgun and she lost the entire middle of her face. There was nothing left there. When she "recovered" enough to go out into the world people stared and children were terrified of her. Once, when she was shopping, a child turned to her mom and said, "you told me there were no monsters in real life. But look, there's one right there."

 

The woman who had lost her face turned and gently said, "I'm not a monster. I'm a person who was shot." Then she showed the people her driver's license picture to show what her face had once looked like.

 

I thought this was so kind and so brave, so self-possessed. I can't even imagine such a state of grace. If only I could be so strong, I thought. I think that this approach of compassion and teaching those who misunderstand and fear helps make the world a better place. I think it's important to open up avenues of communication and understanding as a way to overcome fear and nurture acceptance of all human beings.

 

Again, I am very sorry you experienced such pain for your child.

 

Sending you thoughts for peace :grouphug:

[Heather in Neverland]

I am sorry. People are so rude. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[love2read]

You didn't really give the evil eye in church, did you :smilielol5:

 

We have sat behind that same child many times and we have no one in a wheelchair. I'm not sure what her problem is or what is going on with her parents, but it requires a great act of charity not to throw a shoe.

 

I think people stare mostly because they have no social skills. They are the people who get in the express lane with 30 items, don't flush the public toilet and talk loudly on cell phones in quiet public places. When they see someone different, they are trying to figure out why the person is in a chair or how they cope with the chair or how the parent copes, etc. and they either forget they are staring or they just don't care because the world revolves around them.

 

 

You need to come up with an innocent sounding line when people stare too. "Why are you staring, is his hair mussed up?" or some other conversation starter. It will give you insight into why people stare and then you can come back here and tell us what they say.

[HeatherInWI]

Their behavior isn't too cool -- but glaring at the starers and taking them to task isn't really, either.

 

In my life, I've had two (rare) medical conditions that have caused me to be obviously disabled in public. I've decided it's much nicer to just smile politely at the starer and, if opportunity presents, educate as to the situation. I don't know what your son's condition is, but I'm guessing he'll react far better to the staring if you just brush it off and treat it politely than if you make a big deal out of it. I know that if my dh and dc were rude to people who look at me oddly, I'd feel much more awkward, and likely, mortified. One thing I really appreciated about dh back when we were dating is that he never seemed to pay any attention to the appliance I had to wear for my problem, and was non-chalant when others inquired. If he'd treated their inquiries, and, yes, stares, as a big deal, I suspect I would have felt unwilling to go out in public. As it was, we just didn't let it bother us.

[BigMamaBird]

PajamaMama (and others)

 

Can I ask a question too?

 

My dd is 3 (almost 4) and is fascinated when she sees someone in a wheel chair. She will LOUDLY ask me "why are they in the chair," "why can't they walk," "why don't their legs work." I'm sure you know the type of questions. She doesn't mean to be rude, but it's embarrassing. As the Mom of a child in a wheel chair, how would you like to see the Mom of a loud kid handle a situation like this?

[Remudamom]

Okay, I know enough not to stare, but I always want to speak to the child. I never know if that's acceptable or not. I want to tell the mom she's brave, and that I admire her, show some support. I want to help them, even if I know I can't.

 

Drives me nuts, I never know what to do.

[TracyR]

I know how you feel. My daughter was born with birth defects so people notice. I find that if someone is staring these days they want to know "why". But they aren't sure how to ask or what to say because they are afraid of someone being offended that they've asked.

 

Staring is just something that happens, even if it is irritating. I'll admit even I do it at times. Its not to be rude but inside of my head I'm wondering if their child may have the same condition as my child ( as there is just such a huge array of defects that are combined yet its one condition). Or just thinking of what awesome parents they are for being blessed with having such a special child.

 

Anyways,. I know this was a topic on a board I belong to for special needs families and I even believe a mom started a facebook group in the hopes to educate others on how staring can hurt.

 

Maybe, just maybe, there needs to be a rule of some sort that instead of staring that its okay to ask, and that its okay to get an answer or not.

 

I know that when children have asked me or their moms why my daughter was born without a thumb. I'm happy to tell them that was the way God made my daughter and that usually satisfies their minds.

[Stacie]

I can't speak for the little girl, but I see her or her twin brother often. Sometimes I see them at the grocery, at the theater, sitting at a red light, at church! You get the idea. Kids stare for odd reasons. Parents should be more vigilant in watching their own children and intercepting behavior that makes others unnecessarily uncomfortable. When it comes right down to it though, often the parents don't have the social acumen to pick up on the discomfort cues.

 

Years ago disabled children rarely left home. So the starers of the world are not always being taught proper social skills when seeing something out of the norm, because those who should do the teaching really didn't have the experience themselves. I sincerely don't think harm or discomfort is intended in the stares, but our eyes are biologically drawn to contrasts. If the majority of the population is walking upright a wheelchair bound person is a contrast that naturally draws our attention, just as a splash of yellow on a black and white wall draws our attention too.

 

I'm sorry the girl made you uncomfortable. If it was her First Communion she had proud parents there who noticed she was staring at your son and not focusing on her achievement. If presented with the opportunity, perhaps a joking statement to her parents about how she should probably go through it again since she seemed fixated on your son instead of the priest may get the point across. And no shoe toss necessary!

 

Now I can speak about my actions. I am a people person. I like to make eye contact, smile, wave, or somehow acknowledge people I encounter. I'm wired that way, I guess. I understand disabled people are people who like acknowledgement, smiles, nods, and greetings. I also realize sometimes they take a bit longer to make eye contact and sometimes they are not able. If you ever encounter me and it seems I'm staring at your child, it's not intentional rude gawking. I'm hoping to make eye contact, smile, and greet him. And I'm giving him an extra bit of time to make eye contact with me. If he can't I'll move on, but I do try. I'd never want to offend you, only to openly greet your family just as I did with the family in the pew next to you.

 

:grouphug:

Edited May 6, 2009 by Stacie

[Denisemomof4]

I';m sorry, I think that's rude.

 

I've taught my kids not to stare, told them it's rude. I've also told them that everybody is different and some are more "special" than others. I tell them to stare at people who are different than us makes the other person feel bad. I have always been sensitive to this and want my kids to be, too.

 

My youngest daughter is adopted from China. I feel like our family has lost our privacy while out in public. People gawk and can be so rude with their questions. My daughter, especially, can have a hard time with this at times. I've asked her what she wants me to share and I stick to that. People's comments and staring are a constant reminder to my daughter that she's "different" than us. I never realized it would be so bad, and it makes me feel sad for her.

[Pajama Mama]

PajamaMama (and others)

 

Can I ask a question too?

 

My dd is 3 (almost 4) and is fascinated when she sees someone in a wheel chair. She will LOUDLY ask me "why are they in the chair," "why can't they walk," "why don't their legs work." I'm sure you know the type of questions. She doesn't mean to be rude, but it's embarrassing. As the Mom of a child in a wheel chair, how would you like to see the Mom of a loud kid handle a situation like this?

 

Little kids who blurt stuff out don't bother me. My other kids have blurted stuff out when they were littles. I remember ds11 when he was 3 or 4 asking me really loudly about the "really fat" lady in the checkout line. I wanted to climb under the magazine shelf. The lady was gracious and wasn't offended.

 

I guess what irked me was that this was a special day for our family(and other families too). I didn't want to feel angry or annoyed at anyone. But we were unable to say or do anything or 1.5 hrs. This girl is 9. I didn't actually give her the evil eye-lol. I don't really know what the evil eye is:) I glanced at her, smiled and nodded at her slightly. I looked away to follow the service. I looked again and she's still staring. I glanced at her and after awhile I kinda squinted my eyes at her. This "helped" her to stop staring for awhile. I wasn't in a stare down contest with her or anything:)

 

I know I'm a little more sensitive in regards to my son right now. I couldn't help but think that *he* would have made his Communion last year if he was able. He's a year older than dd so when she reaches a milestone or does something important-it reminds me of what ds is missing.

[Melinda in VT]

PajamaMama (and others)

 

Can I ask a question too?

 

My dd is 3 (almost 4) and is fascinated when she sees someone in a wheel chair. She will LOUDLY ask me "why are they in the chair," "why can't they walk," "why don't their legs work." I'm sure you know the type of questions. She doesn't mean to be rude, but it's embarrassing. As the Mom of a child in a wheel chair, how would you like to see the Mom of a loud kid handle a situation like this?

 

My 3yo son is just like this. On vacation last month it was, "Did you see that pirate! He had a patch over his eye."

 

Actually, all my kids have been like that at 3-4. And there is just something cool about a wheelchair to kids that age. My younger three have all wanted to treat their cousin's wheelchair as a riding toy.

 

When my oldest was three, we were at a state park and he was staring at a man in a wheelchair. I could not distract him. I was so appreciative when the man came over and started talking nicely to my son, showing him the wheelchair and explaining why he used it. He was so gracious in a situation in which he could have justifiably been irritated.

[sassenach]

PajamaMama (and others)

 

Can I ask a question too?

 

My dd is 3 (almost 4) and is fascinated when she sees someone in a wheel chair. She will LOUDLY ask me "why are they in the chair," "why can't they walk," "why don't their legs work." I'm sure you know the type of questions. She doesn't mean to be rude, but it's embarrassing. As the Mom of a child in a wheel chair, how would you like to see the Mom of a loud kid handle a situation like this?

 

I can only speak for myself, but I am never offended by kids with questions. A great way to help guide her would be to encourage her to ask what the child's name is. Then she can introduce herself and you can see how open the parent seems to further questions.

 

When I see a staring child, I usually break the ice and tell them my son's name and a little about why he is in the wheelchair. It's amazing how kids will start talking to him (even though he doesn't respond) after knowing his name.

 

My favorite, favorite story is about a friend's son who was 4 or 5. We had known him for awhile and he knew Tyler well and had been told all about his condition. I think he was just processing in his little mind and he said to me (as we were painting at the church), "Mrs. C, Tyler just seems to me like he's brain damaged." I responded with, "Well Ryan, that's because he is!" I seriously thought that was the funniest thing a kid had ever said to me. It was so fully innocent, there was just no way it could offend me. His mother wanted to DIE. Just right there, crawl in a hole and DIE.

 

Now contrast that to the 11 year old who, when riding in the elevator with us said, "What the heck is wrong with him?!" I wanted to smack that kid. He got a dirty look and a short answer.

[sassenach]

I know I'm a little more sensitive in regards to my son right now. I couldn't help but think that *he* would have made his Communion last year if he was able. He's a year older than dd so when she reaches a milestone or does something important-it reminds me of what ds is missing.

 

I know that feeling intimately. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Ty's birthday is Saturday and I always struggle this time of the year.

[sassenach]

Okay, I know enough not to stare, but I always want to speak to the child. I never know if that's acceptable or not. I want to tell the mom she's brave, and that I admire her, show some support. I want to help them, even if I know I can't.

 

Drives me nuts, I never know what to do.

 

Just say hi. Ask the child's name and say hello. It's always good when somebody acknowledges Tyler's presence by speaking to him. I never know what to say when someone gives me accolades just for being his mom, but it doesn't hurt.

[Needleroozer]

Not much more I can offer that hasn't been said already. I grew up with a sister with polio, who used a chair, walker, or crutches to get around most of her life. She has a very exaggerated limp when she walks without aid. She unfortunately is dealing with post-polio syndrome, and rheumatoid arthritis, so is in a chair much of the time again as she ages (she is 67). Stares have always been a part of our lives.

 

I think CactusPair had some good thoughts about fear being a driving force, and as others have said, not enough time is given to answer children's questions, etc.

 

All you can really do to cope is to remember to have grace, and to not make the stares mean anything- yes, folks stare at others who are different from them, but it only means something derogatory about the stare-ee if we say or think it does.

 

Hang in there, and hugs and kudos to all who are parents of different kids. Your strength and grace radiate and spread to all of us.

[ClassicMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm sorry that you were so upset at your daughter's first communion.

 

My son, Cameron has been in a wheelchair since he was able to sit up. He makes loud noises, spits and waves his arms around. People stare.

 

It use to bother me, but it doesn't anymore. I think that they stare for different reasons. Except for a few exceptions (there were some teenagers once..) most people are usually thinking. Thinking what happened to that child to make him that way, is he in pain, was he born that way, how do his parents take care of him, can he talk, walk, give love back? Sometimes people will actually ask me these questions, but most are afraid to.

 

My theory too is that a lot of women worry that is in the back of their minds that it could happen to them. They just want to bury the image from their eyes but can't look away because they've seen it.

 

Children are most open and will come right up and talk to him and ask what is wrong with his legs, etc. But adults just don't know the protocol. It makes them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do.

 

So, unless they are actually being vicious, I don't get angry. I know that they are processing a question, or a feeling. Once in awhile they will get the nerve up to ask a question, but usually not.

 

And no, I don't mind when people ask questions.

[stripe]

We use ACROD (disabled) car parking. We have all the appropriate forms etc displayed in the car. The other day I had a lady stalk us (yes stalk!!), look at the car for the disable sticker (yes it was there) and then stalk us some more and then verbally abused me (in front of my child) for parking in a disabled car spot. It was awful....my DS is only 4 1/2yrs old....fancy being abused for being disabled.:confused:

I think some people think they are being advocates for the disabled when they try the "gotcha!" move, but it's not the right approach. Last year, a woman kept circling around the parking lot, peering out of her car, and finally stopped and yelled at me for parking in a disabled spot, and I told her it wasn't a disabled spot. She drove away, only to return and launch into this again -- yelling at me and my husband, and then I clearly repeated that it was NOT a handicapped spot, and finally she realized, it was just the spot across from one, and went away.

 

Personally I've found the book Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide To Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa to be excellent in dealing with racial issues with the public (and family members); one of the things she talks about is putting your child's feelings first, and learning to cut people off, and not feeling compelled to answer personal questions about your child/family from a total stranger. (Because it's none of their business!) This is not exactly the same thing as staring at children in a wheelchair, but, because of the post about a child who was adopted, I thought I'd mention it.

Edited May 7, 2009 by stripe

[kalanamak]

 

Most people, in my opinion, do not mean to be rude. They probably don't know they're being rude and may not even realize how much they're staring. They get kind of locked in and don't know it.

 

 

It also shows how similar we humans are, and that much of a good upbringing and "manners" is overcoming our knee jerk reactions.

 

I had a rescue Great Dane in my younger years. I could have paid for all my food during those years if I had a buck for every "my, what a big dog" comment I'd get. Several a day!

 

It just "comes out". However, I would never allow a child to stare like that. I'm aware enough of what kiddo is doing to know if he is doing it, and want more of him than mere "you're fine as long as you aren't bothering Mommy at the moment" from him.

:grouphug:

Then there is the old "take a picture, it lasts longer" comment. I started acting amazed when people commented on my dog and said "oh, just a Texan Chigugua".

Edited May 7, 2009 by kalanamak

[sandellie4]

Personally I've found the book Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide To Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa to be excellent in dealing with racial issues with the public (and family members); one of the things she talks about is putting your child's feelings first, and learning to cut people off, and not feeling compelled to answer personal questions about your child/family from a total stranger. (Because it's none of their business!) This is not exactly the same thing as staring at children in a wheelchair, but, because of the post about a child who was adopted, I thought I'd mention it.

 

I found this book really helpful. We are adoptive and foster parents of children with disabilities (and proudly homeschool whenever allowed). Some of the disabilities are "invisible," like Asperger's, and others are more obvious, Down's, and it always bothered me when people stared. I don't mind if a child has a question, or if he or she is young, they yell out something that would be inappropriate for an older person to say.... Once this little boy pointed at my son and yelled out -- "Look, mom, what a BIG head he's got there. He must have HUGE brains!" His mother was mortified. I had to comfort her, LOL.... But I digress.

 

What upsets me is when an adult doesn't intervene when their child is rudely staring for a LONG time. If their child called someone a name, the parent would intervene. If their child took another child's toy, they'd intervene. But since the child is staring, only staring, the parent just ignores it. Sometimes one of my other children will say something to the staring child, like, "It's not polite to stare, you know. How would you like it if someone stared at you like that?" Usually, that's sufficient. It's hard for me not to be angry at them, though. They're all so sweet and wonderful, and dressed in lovely designer outfits, and they seem so LUCKY to me. It's not fair, you know?

 

The book was really helpful in that it helped me understand for the first time that I don't have to explain everything to EVERYONE all the time. I don't owe them an explanation as to why my kid looks like this or acts like this. If they approach with a question, I don't mind talking about it at all -- it helps people understand each other. But if they're rude, I'll just say, "We're running some errands right now."

 

We have twins and people are always asking silly questions, which kind of helps me see that they're just curious about how people are different. "Are they identical?" (One's a girl and one's a boy....) "Did you use fertility drugs?" (No, I didn't take drugs. How about you? Are you on drugs?...nothing wrong with fertility drugs, of course, but what a question to ask someone you don't even know!)

 

Anyway, I'm getting better at it, maybe just slightly, I suppose. I try not to let it ruin my whole day anyway.

 

Remember that we are the lucky ones. We are the ones who get to homeschool our children, spend time with them, know them. Who cares about a few stares?

 

Hang in there. :grouphug:

 

Sandy