Jackie in NE Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 This may be a silly topic to bring up.... but I would like some perspective from all of you..... This afternoon, my dc went over to the neighbor's house to see if their little girl, age 6 could come over and play. She did come over, and soon told us that her Mommy and Daddy were "playing", and that her Daddy twisted her Mommy's arm and hurt her wrist. She said her Mommy got mad, and so went to the gym to go for a walk. She said she hopes her Mommy will be able to write, because her Daddy twisted the arm that her Mommy uses to write...... Now this is a little 6 year old girl that I don't know very well. She's just a little sweetie, though, and she obviously was bothered by what had happened. I'm troubled by all of this. I want to reach out to our neighbor and offer any help that I can.... a listening ear? a place of refuge? What would you do? Should I just let this go and keep a watchful eye? I believe that I AM my brother's keeper. But do I act on the word of a 6-yr-old? This has never happened to me before..... Any advice????? :bigear::bigear: Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Well, maybe they were playing...you know, rough housing and her arm got twisted too much? I think even a child can tell when people are fighting vs. playing. I wouldn't read much into it at this point. Just my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 (edited) I would take a wait-and-see attitude. I can see where they might have been horsing around, he accidentally twisted her wrist, she got mad, etc. I've certainly seen horseplay lead to unintentional injuries. If the dd reports they were fighting and he hurt her, then it would be time to do something. Now, though, I wouldn't get involved, other than to pray for her recovery and for the family. ETA: I really would hesitate to report this for fear that the child would be removed from the family when there is no real abuse. I've seen that happen, and the child ended up spending over a year in a less-than-loving foster situation before finally being reunited with the parent. Not a good situation for any of them. Edited March 23, 2009 by klmama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Did the little girl sound scared? Like their playing wasn't fooling around but was actually a fight? From the little bit that you've said it sounds more like they were rough-housing and mom's arm got twisted. Mom got mad and went off to cool off. I wouldn't report anything based on what you've said so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Well, I am not sure. My child at 6 once told someone at school that my dh hit me. The school called as if investigating (LOL) and when it all boiled down, my ds told me, in front of them, "yeah, you remember mommy when Dad hit you with the mail and you were giggling at him." :/ I am pretty slow to trust a really young child. Now, if you see the mom tomorrow and she has a cast on her arm, yeah, you may wanna ask her if she is okay. Realize, though, that battered women do not really reach out for help until they feel ready. Offering is great, but don't expect her to take you up on anything unless she is really ready to leave her dh and start the "war." That is, if she is a battered wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca in VA Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I wouldn't do anything. The mother knows that 911 is there if she needs it. Your letting her know that you "know" anything will just embarrass her and make her avoid you. The little girl may have misunderstood the situation. Even if she is reporting it correctly, she's sharing information that's too personal. You'd be best off letting it go and not mentioning it to anyone (though of course you'll want to make a mental note of this incident for possible future reference). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Nope, I wouldn't get involved on the word of a 6yo! They're notorious for not reading situations correctly. There's too much riding on this to report it without having actually seen it with my own eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 My first grade teacher sent home a friendly note the first week (she'd done this for 40 years by the time I had her) saying "I won't believe anything they say about your home if you won't believe anything they say about my class". I recall claiming my cat could twirl a baton. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I'm troubled by all of this. I want to reach out to our neighbor and offer any help that I can.... a listening ear? a place of refuge? Trust your instincts, but not necessarily the interpretation of a six-year-old. I wouldn't rule it out just because it's a six-year-old, but my own darling six-year-old ran across the house today screaming, "I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT ME!" when I got up from the computer to make him give a train back to his brother (and I don't spank at all ever). :rolleyes: Six-year-olds can be lunatics, but they can also be perceptive. The same six-year-old used his newfound microwaving skills to make me, unbidden, Tension Tamer tea a few days ago when I was breathing fire through my nose over paperwork hassles. Be a friend to the mom without bringing this up, unless maybe in a kids-think-the-darndest-things kind of way, letting the mom know her kiddo was scared. Don't say it around the dad though. Then proceed with friendship building. If you get to know her, and she begins to trust you, then, if she IS abused, she'll have you as a trustworthy resource when she's able to make an escape plan. If she's not abused, you've developed a good relationship with your neighbor. So it's win/win. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Should I just let this go and keep a watchful eye? Yes. I believe that I AM my brother's keeper. But is this woman your brother (sister) in the sense that you have a relationship? I'm assuming since you don't know the little girl very well, you don't know her parents very well. It's difficult to be the listening ear and place of refuge when you have no relationship, kwim? But do I act on the word of a 6-yr-old? No, you don't. There's no call for that. As others have said, you don't know how accurately this child conveyed what happened. But let's say she was wholly accurate. One of my son's told something to his Sunday School teacher that was...not pleasant...about an incident between my husband and myself. His version was accurate. The woman did approach me to talk about it, but again, we had a pre-existing relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I'd let it go too, while keeping a friendly eye out. My dh and I horse-play ALL the time, and yes, sometimes one or the other of us will get hurt :glare: That happens when adults act like children :lol: My kids have also said silly stuff like, remember when dad pushed you when you were fighting. (i.e. goofing off) We've NEVER had a physical fight though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fivetails Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 What would you do? Should I just let this go and keep a watchful eye? Yup. You don't know for sure what happened - it could very well have been rough-housing gone awry. Or, it could actually be that they did indeed have an argument that got a little bit physical - but even then, it's not cut & dry. If you want to befriend the mom, go for it. If it turns out that the situation *is* really bad, I'm sure she could use a friend. If it turns out that there isn't anything going on, you've still made a new friend. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I don't think you should report it. If you talk to the mom, I'd probably say "Hey, is your wrist okay? Suzie mentioned that it was twisted when you and Bob were playing." Then I would gauge her reaction (and I wouldn't do this with dh around). Dh & I practice Judo with and without mats now and then. My boys could tell the neighbor "Daddy threw Mommy" or "Daddy kicked Mommy and she got mad" (sometimes he comes for a foot sweep and forgets to take off his shoes). But we aren't fighting, I'm not in danger, and it's all in good fun. I'd keep an eye, but I wouldn't assume the worst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Um..... While I don't advocate calling and reporting anything at *this* point, I am in support of a more aware, involved and ready response. The only person responsible for the abuse I suffered was my xh. However, there *were* tells, signs and warnings along the road of 15 years others noticed and ignored. The comment about 911 upsets me a little. Honestly, I didn't *know* I was being abused. Unless you've personally experienced or been educated on (through books or experience with another victim), it's hard to understand how a "smart" woman can get to that point. My kids also didn't know I was being abused; they saw their lives as normal. In many respects they still do as I am unable to be completely direct because I can't say anything "bad" about their dad. This little 6 year old needs to know that it's never ok for adults to hurt each other, a hug because "it was scary" and that aggressive physical (or verbal) interaction isn't normal or ok. I'm not suggesting that the OP should have to carry that whole burden, but know that the kids involved in abusive situations have a skewed sense of normal. Pray. Keep your radar up. If you have a known and trusted neighor closer, maybe talk to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I agree with most of the posters. They were probably roughhousing, mom got hurt and left to blow off some steam. Case in point. Roughhousing with dh. He smacked my butt much. harder. than. intended. I had his hand print on my butt for the rest of the day. Rather than smack him over the head with a cast iron skillet, which was my first thought, I took a walk. Roughhousing is always fun, until someone gets hurt :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I"m with Joanne here - i wish someone had said something to me over the years.... (a simple, "thats not right" would have been helpful even). I'd mention it to the mom when you are alone and see how she reacts and what "story" there is about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I've been pretty open here about my parents' abusive relationship. There were times (twice) I ran to neighbors while my parents were fighting so the neighbors would call the police b/c my dad destroyed the phone. The neighbors wouldn't answer the door. Abusers break phones. Jackie, I'd pay attention to the little girl but not necessarily act on what she said. If you can/want to develop a relationship with the mom then maybe you could broach the topic of the hurt wrist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I've been pretty open here about my parents' abusive relationship. There were times (twice) I ran to neighbors while my parents were fighting so the neighbors would call the police b/c my dad destroyed the phone. The neighbors wouldn't answer the door. Abusers break phones. Jackie, I'd pay attention to the little girl but not necessarily act on what she said. If you can/want to develop a relationship with the mom then maybe you could broach the topic of the hurt wrist. Withholding access to 911 is actually a very common charge in the DV arrests i see online in my county. ONe of my favorite songs is sad, but it carries such a strong message. Concrete Angel by Martina McBride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Withholding access to 911 is actually a very common charge in the DV arrests i see online in my county.ONe of my favorite songs is sad, but it carries such a strong message. Concrete Angel by Martina McBride. Well, thank God!!! Back in the late 70s/early 80s cops were still using the "take a ride until you cool off" response to domestic violence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Talk with the mother and if her wrist is obviously injured, ask what happened. If her story doesn't match the child's, then you might have a problem there. I would gently mention what the child had said to her and ask if everything was okay. However, if she is not ready for help, then you will not be able to help her. It is very easy to get injured accidentally by people with whom you live. My dh broke my nose once. He had stepped up and was entering the front door and I was close behind him. We both had armloads of groceries. He paused to flip the light switch and I ran my nose hard right into his elbow. Pain makes me hopping mad, so I was very irritable about the whole thing. But there was no animosity at all on either side involved in the incident. If our dd had witnessed the incident, there's no telling what stories might have been circulated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 If there is abuse going on in the home, is it possible that the little girl could be in danger if dad finds out she said anything. Or mom might be embarrassed and be mad at her dd? I don't know if I would mention her dd saying anything. These situation are difficult. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I would wait and watch. If something like this is mentioned again, MAYBE I would approach the mom. My dh and I have been wrestling (just wrestling, gals) and have hurt each other unintentionally. It does just happen sometimes. I don't like to jump to conclusions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in NE Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 Thanks ladies, for your words of wisdom. When I woke up this morning, I had really written off this entire thing as an over-reaction on my part. I'm NOT a busy-body. I DON'T stick my nose where it isn't welcome...... but after reading your responses, I think the answer is just to be aware. And be friendly. I don't know my neighbor really well. We've only lived here for 7 months. But my dd takes guitar lessons with her little daughter, and I have had the entire family over for goodies and a little Christmas music during the Christmas season. They seem to be just a nice, young family. It would break my heart to learn that there was abuse going on there..... especially if I stuck my head in the sand and did nothing about it. So I will watch. And I will befriend. Like another poster said..... either way, I'll make a new friend out of the deal. Thanks again, Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 My dh almost sent me through a window one day. We were playing around and....well luckily, I bounced off the glass instead of going through it. We laughed, and laughed, but it would have been really hard to explain to anyone who wasn't there to see it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 that's why I hate goofing around with my kids - someone always ends up *unintentionally* getting hurt. When my oldest son was little, I remember being TOTALLY annoyed with dh because he put the stroller in backwards and it was making a TON of noise. I had told him a million times how to put it in right, and the rattling even grated on his nerves. Anyway, the noise bothered me so much that I pulled over to move the stroller. My back was in excruciating pain, and when I lifted the HEAVY stroller out to place it back in the right way, I said, "I'm going to kill him..." not realizing the impact of those words. When we got to the store, my son ran to the nearest adult and grabbed her arm and said, alarmed, "Mommy is going to kill daddy!" I was absolutely MORTIFIED. I learned to choose my words wisely after that. Well, at least I tried. :blushing: They very well could have been fooling around and he never meant harm. I'm glad you decided to let it go. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Trust your instincts, but not necessarily the interpretation of a six-year-old. I wouldn't rule it out just because it's a six-year-old, but my own darling six-year-old ran across the house today screaming, "I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT ME!" when I got up from the computer to make him give a train back to his brother (and I don't spank at all ever). :rolleyes: The other day I was brushing my 5-yo dd's hair. She started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" She was so loud! I can only imagine what someone would think if they heard that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 The other day I was brushing my 5-yo dd's hair. She started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE HURTING ME! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" She was so loud! I can only imagine what someone would think if they heard that. Ummm, I would have thought you were hurting her... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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