Should I get involved in my daughter's college mess?

[Kelli in TN]

Her roomate, who is one crazy girl, has thrown my daughter out of the dorm room. This girl is messy, messy, messy and my daughter is just sick of it so she cleaned the room. She asked her roommate what she ought to do with roommates belongings that were all over the floor, all over my daughter's desk, overflowing my daughter's closet and roommate said "put them on my bed". So my daughter did. So roommate said "fine, now I will sleep in your bed" and roommate did. And roommate may have invited her boyfriend to sleep there as well. On my daughter's bed. With her sheets and her comforter.

 

Meanwhile, my daughter is crashed on my couch, because we are in the process of moving bedrooms around and there is no bed for her unless she crashes in her sister's bed. She does not care for the idea of sharing a bed with her sister (it is queen size, but still it bothers here greatly)

 

The RA is not going to help Bekah out because she is from Bekah's rival soriority so that makes them enemies.:rolleyes:

 

I want to call the college and tell them to send a grown-up into that dorm room and fix it, NOW. Of course Bekah is just mortified at the thought that her mom would interfere with her college life in anyway. But then, it is pretty hard to have her here. She was screaming at her dad last night because he was watching TV and she wanted to study. In the living room. And refused to study in any other room. No, she can't live here. She must go back to the dorm.

 

Should I call? Should I leave it alone?

 

I seriously cannot live with this demanding girl. I love her, I love to help her out. I want her to come visit me all the time. But I cannot live with her.

[Volty]

 

I seriously cannot live with this demanding girl.

 

That's exactly how the roommate feels.

[shell in SC]

My day is just around the corner. . .DD starts college in the fall.

 

I think this is how I would handle it. . .keep in mind though that we are trying to instill upon DD the fact that if we are financially contributing to her college then we do still have some parental responsibilities and she is not the self sufficient adult that she thinks she is (whew. . .there's a run on sentence for you). DD thinks that b/c she's 18 she's able to do WHAT she wants, WHEN she wants and we're trying to make her understand that until she accepts NO support from us that she is still a "child" in our eyes and we still have parental responsibilities to her that she MUST respect.

 

Having said that, if it's MY money that is paying the rooming bill, I would definately step in. You must protect your investment in your childs education! This situation will cause more stress to DD and could effect her performance/grades in college so I would try to get it resolved as quickly as possible. I know that my DD would just let it go and find a way to avoid the situation so that she wouldn't have to be confrontational. . .so that's another reason why I would step in. If your DD is responsible/mature enough to resolve this on her own I would let her do it. But if she's just not there yet I would step in.

 

Hope that makes sense!

Good luck. . .keep us posted!

shell

[Volty]

Have her request another roommate, I guarantee somewhere else nearby in her dorm another neat freak and another slob are having this exact same fight.

 

And let her do that.

[JudoMom]

I think she should fix it herself, by tonight, so she'll have someplace to sleep (in my mind she kind of wore out her sleeping-welcome when she was yelling at her Dad). I'd give her suggestions, if she'll take them, but I don't think you should call (I'd want to call, too, though). There has to be someone above the RA, right? Fixing it herself will teach her some skills that might come in handy when she's a full-fledged grownup (not letting people walk over her, how to escalate a situation when you're being mistreated, how to get along with others, etc).

[*anj*]

Kelli,

You know I love you.

But you have got to send Bekah back there and she has got to fix this herself.

This is so hard because I actually remember being in that Limbo-land where Bekah is living right now. She is legally an adult, she wants to be an adult, doesn't want to be treated like a child, yet she wants to run home and have her parents and family accommodate her wishes.

 

But she's been on her own for awhile now, and she has to deal with this. I don't think you should call the school, I think she needs to do that for herself. If she cannot get the college to step in, then she needs to humbly go back to her room and find a way to get along with her room mate for the next three months. And that's all it is, really. Not forever.

 

If she's in a sorority, there ought to be someone there who would be willing to help her, don't they have a house?

 

You are only hearing one side of this story. And you know your girl. You've just said that she isn't easy to live with. Her roommate (despite her sloppiness) has experienced that difficulty too.

 

Last fall when Ria's dd had the pregnant roomie, we told her to stay out of it. I think that the same advice applies here.

 

[Soph the vet]

I had a psychotic, suicidal roommate one year in college and another year I had the super studious straight-laced uptight roommate. It is good to have some of these experiences in order for your dd to mature and figure out how to relate to people who are not like her, not that it is a fun thing. I would definitely counsel her to sit down with the roomie and come up with some room rules that both can agree to. Like keep your stuff on your side and I won't touch it kind of thing. Then I would encourage your daughter to find a new roommate for next year. The boyfriend issue is another problem. This is all too common on many campuses. Maybe the roomie could go to the boyfriends room if they insist on sleeping together. If your dd college has any kind of lifestyle statement that students agree to abide by then your dd has reason to go to school officials (above the RA) and complain. Again, another opportunity to learn how to respond to other's questionable choices.

[Tammyla]

That is often dorm life. I'd just encourage her to march back in there and be a grown-up. Clean or burn the bedding and move on with life.

 

[lynn]

Yes, get involved. The RA has a job to do and if she is being petty about rival sororities and won't help the situation then it's time to call in the proper adults who will rectify the situation.

[TammyinTN]

Yep...I agree...make her take care of it herself. I agree this is hard but so is being an adult sometimes. Hang in there!

[Harriet Vane]

Kelli,

You know I love you.

But you have got to send Bekah back there and she has got to fix this herself.

This is so hard because I actually remember being in that Limbo-land where Bekah is living right now. She is legally an adult, she wants to be an adult, doesn't want to be treated like a child, yet she wants to run home and have her parents and family accommodate her wishes.

 

But she's been on her own for awhile now, and she has to deal with this. I don't think you should call the school, I think she needs to do that for herself. If she cannot get the college to step in, then she needs to humbly go back to her room and find a way to get along with her room mate for the next three months. And that's all it is, really. Not forever.

 

If she's in a sorority, there ought to be someone there who would be willing to help her, don't they have a house?

 

You are only hearing one side of this story. And you know your girl. You've just said that she isn't easy to live with. Her roommate (despite her sloppiness) has experienced that difficulty too.

 

Last fall when Ria's dd had the pregnant roomie, we told her to stay out of it. I think that the same advice applies here.

 

 

Kelli,

 

If I didn't know anything about you at all I would say this is part of being a grown-up, and that your daughter needs to work this out. It's not the worst roommate situation I have heard of (though it does sound uncomfortable). I had friends in college who dealt with much worse. One had a roommate who stole from her (wrote checks in her name). Another had a roommate who routinely smoked pot in their room. Another lived next door to a guy who used to turn his stereo up as high as possible for HOURS--the knickknacks on her shelves used to fall off from the vibrations.

 

There are always options in a campus. Your daughter can file a complaint with campus housing and pursue this officially. OR she can try to work this out with the girl. OR she can grit her teeth and just get through the next 2 1/2 months.

 

(Gently said) Honestly, Kelli, with all your dd has put you through, this situation could teach her some valuable lessons. It may actually be a good way for her to learn--while the behavior is terribly inconsiderate, there are no drugs, no theft, no violence or extreme bullying. (I hope that doesn't sound too harsh and unfeeling--believe me, I do see why it would be a hard situation to deal with.)

 

(((Kelli)))

[Volty]

Kelli,

You know I love you.

But you have got to send Bekah back there and she has got to fix this herself.

This is so hard because I actually remember being in that Limbo-land where Bekah is living right now. She is legally an adult, she wants to be an adult, doesn't want to be treated like a child, yet she wants to run home and have her parents and family accommodate her wishes.

 

But she's been on her own for awhile now, and she has to deal with this. I don't think you should call the school, I think she needs to do that for herself. If she cannot get the college to step in, then she needs to humbly go back to her room and find a way to get along with her room mate for the next three months. And that's all it is, really. Not forever.

 

If she's in a sorority, there ought to be someone there who would be willing to help her, don't they have a house?

 

You are only hearing one side of this story. And you know your girl. You've just said that she isn't easy to live with. Her roommate (despite her sloppiness) has experienced that difficulty too.

 

Last fall when Ria's dd had the pregnant roomie, we told her to stay out of it. I think that the same advice applies here.

 

 

I agree with the part that Kelli shouldn't interfere, that this should be left to her daughter to handle. Like I said, I think she should request a new roommate. There's probably nothing fundamentally wrong with either girl if they room with someone more like they are. The first thing a college should ask when applying for roommate assingments is how neat/sloopy they are.

[Kelli in TN]

I had a psychotic, suicidal roommate one year in college ....... If your dd college has any kind of lifestyle statement that students agree to abide by then your dd has reason to go to school officials (above the RA) and complain. Again, another opportunity to learn how to respond to other's questionable choices.

 

Whoa! How'd you know? She is everything but the suicidal part! People actually come up to my daughter at school and say things like "Hey, don't you room with that crazy girl?" She is legendary on campus, an absolute legend in her own time!

 

It helps that one of my best friends is a coach at the school, I am able to check the facts, and the fact is, my dd's roommate is really off balance. So I know my daughter is telling the truth on this one.

 

 

Unfortunately there is not lifestyle statement at this school. Well, there is a "rule" that if girls are in the apartment style boys' dorms overnight then they should sleep on the couches. :rolleyes: But nobody does couch checks. There does not seem to be any other rules. I was appalled when I learned that when the police show up at parties where there are obviously minors drinking, they just sort of say "Y'all need to quiet it down now" and leave.

 

It's been quite the education into college life for this momma. Since I forgot to go to college when I was young, I had no idea what it is really like!:eek:

 

Anyway, I just thought it interesting that you relate to the psycho roommate issue, since that is definately what we are dealing with.

[Claire]

I want to call the college and tell them to send a grown-up into that dorm room and fix it, NOW. Of course Bekah is just mortified at the thought that her mom would interfere with her college life in anyway. But then, it is pretty hard to have her here. She was screaming at her dad last night because he was watching TV and she wanted to study. In the living room. And refused to study in any other room. No, she can't live here. She must go back to the dorm.

 

Should I call? Should I leave it alone?

 

Absolutely. Call. You (meaning your family) are paying for this college education, right? That means you are a customer. Call.

 

Both of my nieces started college with horrible roommates. One girl was able to get her roommate switched without parental interference. The other ran into delays, so her father called and switched her into a single room (had to pay extra, of course) within 24 hours.

 

Your student needs a dorm room to sleep in and she isn't getting it, even though she's paying for it. Time for a parent to intervene!

 

Addendum: I see I'm the minority opinion here. However, I can assure you that both of my nieces were *much* better off after getting rid of the horrible roommates. Both girls were freshman and 18yo. There are situations in college that require parental help. Children don't acquire all the necessary skills for handling unusual situations just by virtue of being in college.

[Soph the vet]

One more thought. Don't know how you feel about prayer but if you are a praying family then it is a good time for your dd to be praying for that psychotic roommate and wait to see what God will do.:)

[Susan in IL]

Your dd needs to work this out herself with the roommate and the RA. If the RA is not helpful, have her go to the residential life office (or whatever it is called) for help. Someone else said that maybe there is another pair that are not matched well that she could switch with.

[Mrs. Readsalot]

This is part of growing , maturing, learning to get along in the world. She can work to fix it or be miserable. I would not help her. She perhaps will ask your advice as to what to do and I would freely tell her, but knowing most girls her age she will probably not even ask. I had a difficult roommate in college. I was of a different race than her and she did not want me in the room. She made my life miserable. I was too far from home to go back. I quietly used the room as little as possible and moved into a sorority as quickly as I could.

[Kelli in TN]

Absolutely. Call. You (meaning your family) are paying for this college education, right? That means you are a customer. Call.

 

Both of my nieces started college with horrible roommates. One girl was able to get her roommate switched without parental interference. The other ran into delays, so her father called and switched her into a single room (had to pay extra, of course) within 24 hours.

 

Your student needs a dorm room to sleep in and she isn't getting it, even though she's paying for it. Time for a parent to intervene!

 

 

Well, yes, That is sort of what I thought. Her scholarship does not cover living expenses or books. Her loan does not even cover all of it. So we do make a financial contribution each semester. And we are glad to do it for her. But I think the college owes something in return and I think some grown-ups ought to be made aware of what is going on in that room.

 

If she lived at home, we would not have to make any sort of contribution to her education. We make a contribution so that she CAN live on campus because we WANT her to live on campus. I sort of feel like the campus owes it to us, the customers, to make it work. NOW.

 

But I think you may be the only one who feels this way with me. I know one of her suite-mates got permission to move off campus, in violation of school policy, when her parents got involved. So the school does apparently listen to parents. Well, they certainly listen to parents who threaten lawsuits, like the suite-mates parents did. I don't intend to threaten a lawsuit. I just want this fixed.

[*anj*]

[Kate in Arabia]

I had just about the worst roommate ever my first semester in college. I went to a huge, public university after attending a small, private, girls-only highschool, I was pretty sheltered and clueless.

 

My roommate drank, did drugs, stored drugs in our room, stole money, stole some of my stuff, wore my clothes, left her dirty clothes (including underwear) lying all around, had male friends sleep over, lied to my face, etc. etc. I complained to the RA, but basically got counselled instead of helped ("I'm sorry you feel bad, you have the right to be angry, let your feelings out," etc. etc.). I honestly don't remember if I even discussed it with my parents, maybe I did with some of the stuff. But basically I just stuck it out the semester and switched roommates for the second part of the year. I stayed away from her as much as I could and focused on studies (I got great grades that semester, lol). I had a close group of friends in the same dorm to whom I could vent, and even sleep over on occasion when I was really steamed.

 

I don't know about the RA position at other schools, but in my own case they were not much more than "older pals" who didn't really do much but talk to you and look the other way when stuff was going on. I don't know what kind of authority they truly hold or how helpful they could be (not much in my case).

 

It was a pretty rude awakening for me, lol, but I survived it. I don't know what happened to her, however, in the long run.

[Volty]

I was appalled when I learned that when the police show up at parties where there are obviously minors drinking, they just sort of say "Y'all need to quiet it down now" and leave.

 

 

 

Ow! I just fell out of my chair. I'd better go watch Animal House again.

[Sandy in Indy]

There should be an adult running the dorm...someone with more authority than the RA. Your daughter needs a living space that's, well, livable. She's not getting that! I would encourage her to go over the RA and get something done. If she won't do it...even after you tell her she can't stay home any longer...then you'll have to get involved. I do think *she* needs to take the steps to solve this...but I think it's more important that it's eventually solved. College is WAY too expensive to be distracted by a crazy roommate.

 

I was an RA. I've seen the crazy things and had to arbitrate lots of roommate situations. This doesn't sound salvagable. (sp?)

[OnTheBrink]

I think because the RA is blatantly NOT helping, when it's her job to do so, that you or your daughter need to find out who's over her head and go to them. I agree that kids need to learn to handle things themselves, but we're not islands and having someone more experienced in life help them out isn't wrong. It's support. I shudder to think what would have happened if people told me to just learn to handle it when I was finding out all the vileness my ex was doing. And, I think having the roomie and her boyfriend sleep in your dd's bed is vile. I support your stepping in to at least help point your dd in the direction to getting this resolved. Should you fight her every fight? Nope, but since she has gone to the RA and got no help, I see nothing wrong in you helping a bit now.

[Danestress]

Well, I understand the "she's an adult, it's her problem argument." I also know that kids in college still need (sometimes) and want (sometimes) the mentoring of parents who will advocate for them or at least coach them in advocating for themselves. They are adults in some ways, but they aren't necessarily able to handle every problem without the real help of parents.

 

So I might just ask her "What would you like me to do? How might I help you? Do you want me to call the university? Or how about you call and try to do it yourself and if that doesn't work, we can talk about my role?"

 

But I also would tell her that she's can't live with you because of the way she acted to her father. Period. Tell her you can't and won't tolerate it - the end.

 

Which probably will make her huff off and not want your help with her problem, and that is fine.

[Jackie in AR]

The RA is not going to help Bekah out because she is from Bekah's rival soriority so that makes them enemies.:rolleyes:

 

She was screaming at her dad last night because he was watching TV and she wanted to study. In the living room. And refused to study in any other room. No, she can't live here. She must go back to the dorm.

 

I seriously cannot live with this demanding girl. I love her, I love to help her out. I want her to come visit me all the time. But I cannot live with her.

 

Has she actually spoken to the RA about the situation? Or is she just assuming the RA would be no help?

 

If she hasn't actually spoken to her, that is where she needs to start. If the RA refuses to do her job, it is then time to go up the chain of command. That is where I would probably get involved if I were you. And I would make sure everyone knew the RA wouldn't get involved. She gets paid to settle the kinds of things that are going on here.

[Jackie in AR]

Last fall when Ria's dd had the pregnant roomie, we told her to stay out of it. I think that the same advice applies here.

 

 

Not that it really matters, anj, but I was thinking that the concensus was that Ria should get involved with that situation. Maybe I'm mis-remembering.

[Kelli in TN]

Has she actually spoken to the RA about the situation? Or is she just assuming the RA would be no help?

 

If she hasn't actually spoken to her, that is where she needs to start. If the RA refuses to do her job, it is then time to go up the chain of command. That is where I would probably get involved if I were you. And I would make sure everyone knew the RA wouldn't get involved. She gets paid to settle the kinds of things that are going on here.

 

 

Not recently, but she has tried to get a resolution to this situation in the past.

 

I don't think RAs really do much of anything.

[Doran]

Well, yes, That is sort of what I thought....

But I think you may be the only one who feels this way with me. ...I just want this fixed.

 

Kelli, I'm wondering if you couldn't have a little of both options. Why not have Bekah call? Would she be open to you "coaching" her on what she needs to say, how she might handle this? Or would she simply dump it back on you? Even if you don't think she's mature enough to handle this on her own, it would eliminate the need for you to step in, which you say mortifies her.

 

I had a handful of problems at college (not roommate related) that I resolved myself by contacting the proper people myself. I'm sure I told my parents about the situation first, and they would be the type who would've wanted to step in ("Oh, that's terrible! We'll call right away. You do want us to call don't you?"...Umm....NOOooo!)

 

Anyhow, that's what I'd be working on if she were my child. I'm sorry she's in this situation. It's so difficult for everyone, but talk about good life lessons. :cool:

 

Doran

[PariSarah]

Or rather, you should offer to get involved.

 

It is totally appropriate for parents to get involved in such a situation, and I would have been appalled and hurt had my parents declined to help me when I needed it. If your dd's story is even only mostly true, it goes beyond normal dealing-with-roommates stress.

 

Now, the difference between your dd and me in this situation is . . . well, we have different histories, right? So, I *would* have asked my parents for help had I needed it. And I would have needed it after I went to the RA (which would have been the first time Roomie From Hell tried to sleep on my bed) and she refused to help. I may possibly have talked to Residential Life on my own first. But probably I would have called my parents immediately after the RA refused to help.

 

They would have suggested a list of things to try on my own first, and had I not gotten any resolution then, they would have called any and everyone and let loose fury on them. And if they hadn't, I would have been really hurt.

 

Now, more things might be going on with your daughter. She might be just as difficult to live with, and Roomie From Hell might have her own list of sins that your dd has committed. That might be why she doesn't want you to get involved.

 

But the present situation is not going to work. You should tell your dd that moving back in with you is not an option, but that you've got her back in all other ways. She can call Residential Life, or, if she's too embarrassed, you will. And you'll call anyone else she wants you to. But the situation has to be dealt with. Offer to help, stay out of it if she wants you to stay out of it, deal with it if she wants you to deal with it, but do not let not-dealing-with-it be an option.

[Jackie in AR]

Not recently, but she has tried to get a resolution to this situation in the past.

 

I don't think RAs really do much of anything.

 

Is there a "House Mother" in the dorm? OK, maybe I'm really showing my age, but there was always an adult who lived in every dorm I ever lived in, along with RA's on each floor.

 

(Unfortunately, one of my House Mothers was single but frequently had an overnight guest. We could see him leaving early in the mornings. But I digress.)

 

The more I think about it, the more I think you should step in. You're paying for your dd to have a room to live in while she attends college. The college requires her to stay on campus, is that correct? If they are going to make that requirement, then need to provide an environment conducive to learning.

[*anj*]

Not that it really matters, anj, but I was thinking that the concensus was that Ria should get involved with that situation. Maybe I'm mis-remembering.

 

Really? I thought not. Maybe I'm only thinking of my thought. Oh well. Never mind.

[Jackie in AR]

Really? I thought not. Maybe I'm only thinking of my thought. Oh well. Never mind.

 

LOL, I'm the one who is probably wrong.

 

Hope you have a great day!

[Greta Lea]

Especially since I can barely figure out what to do with my young teen and tween boys!

 

I just had to comment that all this info about this Christian school is VERY eye opening to me!

 

One of my boys wants to go UU and the other, just to spite older brother, has mentioned going to LU. I've always thought it would be WONDERFUL to have them both go to school locally *and* to Christian schools.

 

I wonder if UU has all these lax "rules". There's just no safe place for our kids (young adults), is there?

 

By the way, I had SUCH an enjoyable time chatting last Friday! *I* love 4-H for ME:)!

[PariSarah]

. . . a lot of stuff that people always say is "normal" on college campuses is only normal because the administration doesn't want to deal with it.

 

If enough parents complained, they would deal with it.

 

Basic respect in the dorm rooms is one of the things they should be dealing with, but don't because the disrespectful people make more noise about being inconvenienced than the disrespected people make about being disrespected.

 

Go ahead and make noise. Get some arguments down on paper first, if you need to, and post 'em here if you need some feedback.

 

But this is entirely appropriate for you to get involved in, if your dd feels uncomfortable doing it herself.

[Kelli in TN]

Or rather, you should offer to get involved.

 

It is totally appropriate for parents to get involved in such a situation, and I would have been appalled and hurt had my parents declined to help me when I needed it. If your dd's story is even only mostly true, it goes beyond normal dealing-with-roommates stress.

 

Now, the difference between your dd and me in this situation is . . . well, we have different histories, right? So, I *would* have asked my parents for help had I needed it. And I would have needed it after I went to the RA (which would have been the first time Roomie From Hell tried to sleep on my bed) and she refused to help. I may possibly have talked to Residential Life on my own first. But probably I would have called my parents immediately after the RA refused to help.

 

They would have suggested a list of things to try on my own first, and had I not gotten any resolution then, they would have called any and everyone and let loose fury on them. And if they hadn't, I would have been really hurt.

 

Now, more things might be going on with your daughter. She might be just as difficult to live with, and Roomie From Hell might have her own list of sins that your dd has committed. That might be why she doesn't want you to get involved.

 

But the present situation is not going to work. You should tell your dd that moving back in with you is not an option, but that you've got her back in all other ways. She can call Residential Life, or, if she's too embarrassed, you will. And you'll call anyone else she wants you to. But the situation has to be dealt with. Offer to help, stay out of it if she wants you to stay out of it, deal with it if she wants you to deal with it, but do not let not-dealing-with-it be an option.

 

You know I am pretty honest about my daughter's snarkiness, right? I really love her, but I am so over looking at her through rose-colored glasses. Oh, I am so over that!

 

But having said that, I do believe that THIS situation is one-sided. I do believe that she has tried and tried and tried. She has tried to forge a friendship with the girl. WE have welcomed her here for dinner, we have put stuff in their fridge (not beer! just food) for the both of them. When they have had falling-outs before my daughter has been the one to go the extra mile to make it right.

 

And this recent incident, I have been in that dorm room personally, and yes, the girl had 3/4 of the desk covered up with her stuff. The girl had both closets full of her stuff. So on and so forth.

 

Bekah is adament that I not get involved. Which would be fine if she were not treating my living room like her personal space, screaming at her dad for having the audacity to watch HIS television in the area that she has chosen for HER personal space. I have no bedroom for her, I already told her brother that he can have her old room and I am not about to break that promise. Besides, she was a pill when she was here at Christmas and he often got the worst of her anger directed at him. She simply cannot live here.

 

So, she is adamant that I stay out of her college life because she is, after all, "an adult" now. And yet, she is not handling it, and makes it clear she does not intend to handle it.

 

That is why I want to call the school and tell them to get involved, figure out who is in the wrong and fix it. Now.

 

Do you think I should just do it, in spite of her demands that I not get involved?

[JudoMom]

You know I am pretty honest about my daughter's snarkiness, right? I really love her, but I am so over looking at her through rose-colored glasses. Oh, I am so over that!

 

But having said that, I do believe that THIS situation is one-sided. I do believe that she has tried and tried and tried. She has tried to forge a friendship with the girl. WE have welcomed her here for dinner, we have put stuff in their fridge (not beer! just food) for the both of them. When they have had falling-outs before my daughter has been the one to go the extra mile to make it right.

 

And this recent incident, I have been in that dorm room personally, and yes, the girl had 3/4 of the desk covered up with her stuff. The girl had both closets full of her stuff. So on and so forth.

 

Bekah is adament that I not get involved. Which would be fine if she were not treating my living room like her personal space, screaming at her dad for having the audacity to watch HIS television in the area that she has chosen for HER personal space. I have no bedroom for her, I already told her brother that he can have her old room and I am not about to break that promise. Besides, she was a pill when she was here at Christmas and he often got the worst of her anger directed at him. She simply cannot live here.

 

So, she is adamant that I stay out of her college life because she is, after all, "an adult" now. And yet, she is not handling it, and makes it clear she does not intend to handle it.

 

That is why I want to call the school and tell them to get involved, figure out who is in the wrong and fix it. Now.

 

Do you think I should just do it, in spite of her demands that I not get involved?

 

that she is kind of playing you, in a way. I believe your/her account of her roommate and the situation and how it has all been handled.

 

She wants to be an adult, yet she is yelling at the family in your living room while demanding you don't get involved. I would be inclined to tell her she can go sleep on the floor of her dorm room or she can give you permission to call. I wouldn't call without her saying it was okay, though. If she never says it's okay, and you call, she can somehow turn it against you, if that makes sense.

 

Ugh. I'm sorry you both are dealing with this!

[PariSarah]

Bekah is adament that I not get involved

 

<snip, snip>

 

Do you think I should just do it, in spite of her demands that I not get involved?

 

It's hard to say what I would do, since I've never been in your shoes, Kelli. (I don't think I'm woman enough to fill them, dear!!!)

 

But, yes, I think I would lean towards telling her that the situation MUST be dealt with.

 

Tell her all the ways you're willing to help if she needs it. "Honey, any help you want from me is yours for the asking. I can brainstorm options with you, I can help you put together a list of whom you should call and in what order, I can help you think through arguments. Or I can get involved myself, and I will not stop until you have a reasonable situation. Anything I can do to make your dorm situation livable I will do."

 

And then, yes, tell her that you will do it without her permission if she doesn't come up with a way to deal with it herself. You'll be starting tomorrow if she doesn't.

[MelissaM]

She's not exactly a little kid nor does she want you to interfere. Stay out of it and let dd handle the dorm thing on her own. If you don't want her to live with you then tell her the two options.

 

Option 1: Go back to the dorm and sort it out. You can give her suggestions (go up the chain of command) but don't do it for her.

 

Option 2: Find her own apartment.

[Kelli in TN]

Especially since I can barely figure out what to do with my young teen and tween boys!

 

I just had to comment that all this info about this Christian school is VERY eye opening to me!

 

One of my boys wants to go UU and the other, just to spite older brother, has mentioned going to LU. I've always thought it would be WONDERFUL to have them both go to school locally *and* to Christian schools.

 

I wonder if UU has all these lax "rules". There's just no safe place for our kids (young adults), is there?

 

By the way, I had SUCH an enjoyable time chatting last Friday! *I* love 4-H for ME:)!

 

Greta,

LU and UU are nothing alike. Nothing at all!!

 

But truthfully, it depends on the kid. If a child is looking for a party, they will find it at Union, or Bryan or Lee. And if they are looking for an education and a place to live a clean life, they can do that at UTK or MTSU or even Bethel!:D

 

I would be perfectly happy to send the next in line to LU. Of course she wants to go to UU, but she is going to have to score that 31 on the ACT first. If she can nudge the score up the needed 3 more points and get in the running for the big money scholarship, then we'll talk UU. :)

 

But LU is a good school and they have an excellent political science dept so I know the next in line would fine there. Would your boys live at home? Sarah wants to live at home and as long as she continues to treat her family the way she treats us now, that will be fine.

 

And if her older sister ever wanted to start treating us with kindness and respect, she could live here too. Then there would be no psycho roomie trouble! I love her, but I am not holding my breath for her to start liking us anytime soon.

 

 

And I like 4H much better when I am not leading anything and can gab with the moms, too!!! Next year I just want to be a gabby mom in the back of the room!!!

[Stirsmommy]

I think if she has said you can't call you really shouldn't. That said, since she is claiming grown up status she has to take the grown up responsibility and deal with it. She can't/won't deal with it until you tell her she can't stay at home. Offer her some suggestions and hand her some chocolate as you walk her to the door. My sister had a difficult roommate in college and she would come home until my parents moved 8 hours away. The move was planned which is why she was in the dorm but it did make her step up and deal with the problem. It is so hard to let them do their thing but this is what we have been preparing them for all of their lives. We have to trust we did it right and them push them to fly on their own. Oh and although she may think you are doing the right things later right now she is not going to be one bit happy with you.

Good luck. (((Kelli)))

[Kris]

I want to call the college and tell them to send a grown-up into that dorm room and fix it, NOW. Of course Bekah is just mortified at the thought that her mom would interfere with her college life in anyway. But then, it is pretty hard to have her here. She was screaming at her dad last night because he was watching TV and she wanted to study. In the living room. And refused to study in any other room. No, she can't live here. She must go back to the dorm.

 

Screaming at her Dad? :( That would be the last night at home.

 

I would *want* to call, but I wouldn't.

[Remudamom]

I didn't read all the responses, but someone from her sorority should intervene, either one of the older girls or one of the women who is an alumnae. Go over the head of the "arch enemy", (I've never heard of such a thing, sororities must have changed since my day) and get it straightened out.

 

I had a messy apartment roommate, it only took one dumping of all her dirty kitchen crap into her bedroom before she got the hint, and her next move was not into MY bedroom.

[Kelli in TN]

I didn't read all the responses, but someone from her sorority should intervene, either one of the older girls or one of the women who is an alumnae. Go over the head of the "arch enemy", (I've never heard of such a thing, sororities must have changed since my day) and get it straightened out.

 

I had a messy apartment roommate, it only took one dumping of all her dirty kitchen crap into her bedroom before she got the hint, and her next move was not into MY bedroom.

 

 

I am not sure how that would matter? It is a dorm situation, not a soriority situation. My daughter and the RA just happen to be from rival soriorities, but that is just a side story. The girl making the trouble is not a soriority girl, so I don't think a sorority alumnae would have any say in this.

 

At least I think I am right, I am just guessing at how all of this stuff works.

[Joanne]

No, you don't rescue her. Honestly, the situation is very likely to be mixed in terms of who is at fault.

 

If she asks for your feedback or coaching, it's perfectly acceptable to suggest, guide, and share any related experience or ideas you might have.

 

Yes, you pay for college and related expenses. The doesn't change the fact that she is, legally, an adult.

 

I have to say that my adult child behaving the way yours did at home would have been shown the door.

[RoughCollie]

I think that you should get involved in making sure this problem is solved.

[Ria]

Ah, Kelli, this is hard, isn't it? Remember when my dd's roomie was pregnant? I didn't call the school for two months. Then, when roomie continued to talk abut staying in the dorm until her due date and my dd was stressed beyond belief (avoiding her room at all costs, etc), I did call and talk to Residential Life. Here's what they said: while they appreciated hearing from me about my concern, and they shared my concern, they could do nothing unless my daughter instigated the action. So, I called dd and told her this: Either you go to Residential Life and talk to them about how you want this situation to be resolved, or you live with your situation. Dd did go talk to Residential Life that very day. As it turns out, the roomie did decide to leave school after first semester (thank God!), so she and dd roomed together until then.

 

Even if you call the school you won't get them to change anything. You might alert them to the situation, but they will maintain what the other women on the board are saying: your dd must talk to Residential Life herself.

 

Ria

[Tracey in TX]

Part of the college experience is learning to deal with roommates. Either you work it out (which isn't likely in this scenerio) or standing up for yourself and addressing the issue. RA is not the top of the totem pole. Let this be a grand learning experience and go over RA's head to the next person in charge.

Allow DD to grow as an adult. If you become involved, you own the problem. Love her enough to tell her she's welcome to visit on the weekends, but needs to work this out as an adult.

 

fwiw, I've had psycho roommates (preggo, suicidal, nympho---and that's just three of girls). Each one was a growing experience. Sometimes you get luck of the draw, but eventually you get a good fit :)

[WTMindy]

help her work the system, but not do it for her. I would tell her to speak to the RA (even though she is a rival, blah blah!) That is the chain of command. If that doesn't work, I would help her find out the next person in the chain of command to talk to. I wouldn't do the talking, but I would help her, give her the words to say, support her....and get her back to her room.

 

I think if someone were sleeping in my bed, I might pour cold water on them or something. :D

[BMC]

you're just being a facilitator letting her crash on the couch.

 

I would NOT have let the roommate use my bed. I'd have dumped her stuff on the floor and let her sleep there (actually I bagged up the stuff when I did this).

 

And where does she usually sleep when the roommate lets the boyfriend stay over?

 

The RA has a supervisor, just have her climb the ladder; someone else out there doesn't like their roommate either.

 

I'm lucky, if DS can put up with sharing a bath with his sister the slob, he can live with most roommates. I hope.

[Tap]

I would call the college, not divulge the specific scenario, but just gather facts for your daughter. Fine out what options are available. The only reason I would call is so that I know what all of her options are and not just go by what she is telling you. Then sit with you dd and discuss her options. She can choose A,B,C ... or whatever combination SHE chooses but she has to actively work toward a reasonable resolution. Coming back home is not an option if she is going to be a brat. If she wants to be treated like an adult and for you to stay out of it that is great...but she has to act like an adult and resolve the issue AND not make you miserable in the process.

 

 

I see no problem with helping her solve the problem BUT it has to be her actions that are set in motion not yours.

 

Goodluck,

Tap