Facebook (etc) and the lack of direct, personal connectedness...

[Margaret in GA]

This is the one of the very reasons we've opted to not have dd have a FB.

 

 

My kids have a FB account. As do my dh and I. My entire family is actually connected via FB and I really love how much we "talk" now. My mother is even FB "friends" with my kids. And I don't think it's unsafe at all. Just because someone can see our pictures, doesn't mean they can do us any more harm than if we met them on the street. And as someone stated, you can only see the page of someone that has approved of you to see it.

 

To sum up: I find it has brought my family together more and it does NOT substitue for actual interaction with friends. Colleen, your friends were being insensitive. But, you should forgive them and get a FB account. ;)

 

Margaret

[WTMindy]

Hey Colleen...........come on over to Facebook! Everyone is doing it!!! ;)

 

I was actually skeptical of FB because I really hated Myspace. I joined to see my students' pages, and I thought it was just yucky. I have never seen anything yucky on Facebook and I will let my dd get one eventually. And, I just love the quick updates I can get from people I used to know. It is so fun to see someone pop up that you used to know and haven't seen in years. It can be superficial (quick posts on the wall) or it can be deep (if you join with a group). It can be whatever you want it to be.

 

But, if you join......I'll be your friend. :001_smile:

Edited January 23, 2009 by WTMindy

[Colleen]

The point of the OP, however, was not to criticize one tool over another. But to explain her hurt over close friends posting something before telling her personally.

 

Yes, thank you for reiterating that. My point was not to belittle those who use Facebook; as I said, I may very well end up there myself, or risk losing friends who prefer to FB as their primary means of connection. What I'm lamenting is lack of personal contact. No amount of media socializing can take the place of that, imo. And one deep friendship ~ again, imo ~ is worth dozens of "friends" on an online wall.

[Sharon in SC]

 

...one deep friendship ~ again, imo ~ is worth dozens of "friends" on an online wall.

 

This is true for me, too.

[Frontier Mom]

Hey Colleen...........come on over to Facebook! Everyone is doing it!!! ;)

 

I was actually skeptical of FB because I really hated Myspace. I joined to see my students pages, and I thought it was just yucky. I have never seen anything yucky on Facebook and I will let my dd get one eventually. And, I just love the quick updates I can get from people I used to know. It is so fun to see someone pop up that you used to know and haven't seen in years. It can be superficial (quick posts on the wall) or it can be deep (if you join with a group). It can be whatever you want it to be.

 

But, if you join......I'll be your friend. :001_smile:

 

Me too. I like it and I think it suits my personality. I'm not a real phone person and I don't really have any family living anywhere close. I like just popping on Facebook and it actually makes me feel more connected than I have ever been.

 

It's a pretty cool place.

[Kate CA]

The message I get from that ~ from you, Kate, and others, is just this: "Well, I don't have time to keep up a friendship with you individually. I need to kill as many birds with one stone as possible while maintaining my relationships and FB makes that easy for me." It seems like people are prizing quantity over quality.

 

You know, Colleen, this was not in any way what I said. I said that I was building friendships I never had to begin with on FB - ladies from my church that are not in my core circle of close friends. We all have a core circle - some people are very close and some are on the periphery. I was saying that FB helped me build the ones on the periphery. I still maintain my close friendships the same way via phone and email, but if a close friend happens to be on FB they are by default going to know more about my life because I cannot call my close friends every time any small event happens. I never did before.

 

FB lets us share small funny things like what we are doing at that moment or what is going on at that time. There is a "What so and so is doing right now" box that people can fill in every day. It is often something silly, or some struggle they are having, or some event they are going to, or some joy they are experiencing or whatever it is they are doing at that moment. It is those things we don't call all of our friends to share. Since you have never been on FB, it is hard to understand what I am saying. It is these little things that build on relationships so that when we are in person we have more to say and more to share.

 

As far as killing two birds - I don't see it that way at all. It has been a very positive thing *for* my relationships. And I am not prizing quantity over quality. I have some very good friends that share my real life and my online life and I am getting to know the ladies in my church that I otherwise (and for years it has been this way) were not able to know well. How is that a bad thing?

 

I guess I just form and maintain relationships differently than you.

 

Well, friend, we have never met in person and our entire relationship was formed and maintained on the computer so really, I don't see how FB is all that different from this board and you are quite comfortable here. :001_smile: I form and maintain friendships the same way everyone else on this board does - in person and online. FB is just another avenue.

 

I guess at this point I honestly feel as if I need to join FB or suffer the consequence, e.g. have no friends. Peer pressure at its finest. Ugh.

 

I have a dear friend who has *no* interest in FB and she maintains her friendships just fine--in the same way she always has. She does call and email regularly because that is her way of maintaining the relationship and I call and email her. She is someone I see twice a week at co-op and church. She is one of my dearest friends and we maintain our friendship very well sans FB. I don't think you need to "give in" to whatever pressure you may be feeling if you don't want to. Not that you need *my* permission or anything :001_smile: but you can live your life the way you want to! :001_smile: I won't say I wouldn't be thrilled if you did decide to join FB - I would certainly "see" more of you that way. :D

[Jami]

I'll chime in, since I'm a frequent Facebook user.

 

I recently had exciting news to share, the birth of a child. I knew there were lots of lovely people waiting to hear from us--friends from church, friends from here, friends from another email loop that is dear to me, family, friends from college, high school, and our old church. All real and true friends. No mere acquaintances, well maybe a few of the high school friends at this point would fall into that category.

 

The way I chose to spread our news was to first call my parents, since they're the most important to me and I knew my mom would be up worrying. Then after napping a few hours, I called my sister and brother and dh called his family. If the baby had come sometime other than the middle of the night we would have made calls right away, not waited to nap. A couple of people who knew I was in labor or very near it called to check in on me and discovered the news that way. And my husband emailed our pastor to share our praise through the church email. And THEN, I posted on Facebook for those people who hadn't heard but are all people I wanted to make sure heard. (And then today I posted here, since it's a much larger "group" than my friends on Facebook and while I have "friends" here, there are more people here that I don't know at all!)

 

The friends I have on Facebook, many of them, I do not "know" in real life. Or haven't had the joy of meeting in person *yet*. But those people I have met here and in other virtual living rooms that I've been able to connect with I certainly do consider friends. Quality friends. Some are certainly deeper friendships than others, that's the way of real life relationships too. I'm not as close with friends from church whom I love dearly as I am with my sister.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt Colleen. I'm not a phone person either and think email is the best thing EVER for communication. I use Facebook like email often and then for a bit of fun on the side. I can't tell you how many Scrabble games I played with my sister this winter back and forth while we were both waiting to have our babies and needed a bit of interactive distraction. Would a Scrabble game in real life have been better? Definitely. No doubt. But she's 15 hours away from me and I'll take what I can get. :)

[HRAAB]

Me too. And it's not just Facebook or MySpace or whatever. I've never mastered the art of texting although I can answer my cell phone. I'm nearly computer illiterate, I have no idea what a blue ray disc is (and I don't want to know), and if my dh wasn't taking care of this TV conversion thing, I would just bag TV. And reading a book off a screen is heresy in my book.

 

Internet is just so impersonal. I want to share information personally with that human touch or voice. And I find sharing all your personal information and stories, well, distasteful. Must be the Victorian in me.

 

Janet

[Crissy]

As far as killing two birds - I don't see it that way at all. It has been a very positive thing *for* my relationships. And I am not prizing quantity over quality. I have some very good friends that share my real life and my online life and I am getting to know the ladies in my church that I otherwise (and for years it has been this way) were not able to know well. How is that a bad thing?

 

I feel the same way, Kate.

I have a couple of relationships that have always been wonderful, but are becoming even better because of FB. My cousin is one example. She is a busy working mom who doesn't have time for phone calls during the day, and certainly not in the evening when she is spending precious hours with her babies.

With FB, she will quickly check her page during her morning break, send me a message, update her 'status', or read a note I've sent to her. I get to see pictures of her children, know whether she is swamped at work or if the load is light and I can invite her to lunch.

We certainly could do all that through email, but the unique status update feature on FB makes those little things so much easier that we more often get beyond, "We should get together when you have time," and right on to, "Looks like you'll be free next week. How about lunch on Thursday at 1:00?"

[mommylaw]

I can post a note of FB and reach 150 friends and family within seconds. I prefer that to most personal correspondence. For the most part, I'm an introvert and Fb is my friend. It keeps me connected to those I love without me having to call.

 

I do see your point, though. Last week a friend posted updates on her labor followed by birth stats on FB. One friend asked me two days ago if S had her baby yet. I felt really bad that no one told her.

[mommaduck]

Facebook is great for internet friends and long distance (ie highschool classmates, etc) friendships. But still should call those close to you. However, I can see where one would post something on their page just out of the blue because they are at the keyboard, but haven't gotten around to making phone calls.

[hornblower]

This is a year old now but I still think it's interesting - an article about the politics of the people behind fb.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/jan/14/facebook

 

There was a hilarious editorial a while back - also from the UK but I can't find it anymore. It was about an IT type guy in his late 30's/early 40's who set up his fb account, got excited about being 'friended' but then found out it was the one founder dude who friends everyone (or used to).... and then nothing else happened. That's kind of what would happen to my page I think.

 

Man, I'm having a flashback of wandering the halls of junior high asking people to sign my yearbook. Maybe that's the problem? :D

 

It doesn't help that I'm reading The Dumbest Generation - How the digital age stupefies young Americans and jeopardizes our future OR Don't Trust Anyone Under 30

http://www.amazon.com/Dumbest-Generation-Stupefies-Americans-Jeopardizes/dp/1585426393/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232737796&sr=8-1

It's really souring me on all sorts of things.

[Hillary in KS]

 

There was a hilarious editorial a while back - also from the UK but I can't find it anymore. It was about an IT type guy in his late 30's/early 40's who set up his fb account, got excited about being 'friended' but then found out it was the one founder dude who friends everyone (or used to).... and then nothing else happened. That's kind of what would happen to my page I think.

 

 

That's MySpace. The guy is Tom.

[mommylaw]

Convenience- Ugh.

[Erica in PA]

And one deep friendship ~ again, imo ~ is worth dozens of "friends" on an online wall.

 

I feel blessed to have both: a couple of close, deep friendships outside of my family, and dozens of "friends" on Facebook. I spend time daily talking on the phone with friends, and also checking my Facebook page. Ime, you don't have to choose one over another. If all a person has are Facebook connections, then yeah, that's not a good thing. But having Facebook friends *in addition to* other friends, that can be a great thing.

 

If not being part of Facebook is keeping you out of the loop right now, and you think you would benefit from being part of that, I'd say go ahead and sign up. Maybe those Facebook connections will help you develop those IRL friendships all the more. That has happened to me with several friends on Facebook. We've grown closer from our communications on there.

[Mekanamom]

I hate talking on the phone as well. I'm a bit hard of hearing (unfortunately), and miss a good chunk of what people are saying on the phone. It all sounds like mush with a few clear words here and there. I even miss a good chunk of what people are saying face to face- but I have found that most people seem to feel less bothered repeating themselves in person than repeating themselves on the phone.

 

I use my cell phone more for email, or texting, or even (gasp!) checking in on FB than I do for talking. Trust me, I think my friends prefer it like this when the alternative is to repeat themselves a million times over the phone. :tongue_smilie:

[Colleen]

It keeps me connected to those I love without me having to call.

 

I do like the aspect of keeping in touch without using the phone. I don't know what it is, but I am so not a phone person. For that matter, I don't even care that much for email. I always feel like, "Should I expect a reply? Or does s/he expect a reply?" And I wonder if, with FB, I'd feel kinda the same.

 

I do see your point, though. Last week a friend posted updates on her labor followed by birth stats on FB. One friend asked me two days ago if S had her baby yet. I felt really bad that no one told her.

 

Yes, I've been on the receiving end of that sort of thing. "What? So-and-so had her baby?" or "So-and-so is having surgery?" or whatever. Sometimes I'm talking to people who aren't that close to the person in question (or I didn't know they were, anyway), but they're in the know b/c of FB.

[Sharon in SC]

 

I always feel like, "Should I expect a reply? Or does s/he expect a reply?" And I wonder if, with FB, I'd feel kinda the same.

 

 

 

 

This is why I suspect I'd feel more obligated to spend even more precious time on the computer - that feeling of, "I should respond....".

[Sharon in SC]

Maybe those Facebook connections will help you develop those IRL friendships all the more. That has happened to me with several friends on Facebook. We've grown closer from our communications on there.

 

I can easily see where that would be the case. That's what dd has witnessed in the youth fellowship at church. I still struggle with the time factor (for me and dd). I guess I'm just a die hard for attempting to limit time spent with technology. :tongue_smilie:

[hornblower]

That's MySpace. The guy is Tom.

 

:lol::lol::lol: Oh man, I got the hiccups from laughing.

I'm obviously SO out of it.

Thank you for not putting in the eyeroll into that post. I'm not sure I would have been able to resist......

 

As further evidence of my 'so out of it' I only recently realized how to pronounce linkedin. I kept reading the weird font and thinking it was LINKEDLN and so in my head I was saying something that sounded more like Ivan Lendl than Linked IN. Dh rescued me from that one by actually pronouncing it for me before I made an arse of myself at his Christmas party :D

[Kari C in SC]

I am sorry you were hurt, friend.

 

On one hand I understand your disappointment about not hearing their news in a personal manner--that would bother me too. On the other hand I have grown closer with people from my church and extended friend network outside my church because of FB and the chat/brief notes to one another that go on there. These are real life people that use the online interface to stay connected during the week.

 

I simply cannot keep up with the phone calls or emails I would like to make or write because I don't have the time. There were people I just didn't get to know because I couldn't really devote the time to it. FB makes that not only easier, but has really opened up these relationships when I see these ladies in person. It has been a real blessing.

 

I do know that there are some things my IRL friends not on FB are missing. That is just going to happen. Would I share something very personal like a pregnancy or something exciting like that without telling my close friends on the phone first? No, I sure wouldn't, but I would share it eventually on FB for the greater scope of friendships I have via that interface.

 

I think it is all in the eye of the beholder. It is what we make it to be--just like a blog or this board or the net. I am sorry that not everyone sees the importance of keeping up important personal relationships. FB is a tool for me, but I cannot even begin to imagine sitting in the car with a person totally devoted to texting or being ignored in a meeting due to FB! That is utter selfish nonsense to me. I do hope you someday get on FB. (There, I said it!) I spend very very little time here anymore and I miss you. :+)

 

:iagree:

 

It has brought me much closer to some of my friends and family because we connect through FB on a near daily basis. Before I was on FB, I maybe chatted with my nieces at most once a month. I LOVE these girls. They are so important to me. They are also really busy with new marriages, jobs, and college. Now, they pop on and post pictures or status updates. If one of them had big news, I am sure eventually I would get a call. I am also sure they would put a status update on FB and I would see it more instantly. I also got to see what my ds was doing while out on field training in the Army. He sent it via his cellphone to FB. Amazing! Without that technology and connection, I could not have seen "my baby" standing a pretty close distance to the tanks they were shooting off. :tongue_smilie: I agree with you that it is what you make of it. I find that it makes me closer with so many more people.

[Kari C in SC]

I can post a note of FB and reach 150 friends and family within seconds. I prefer that to most personal correspondence. For the most part, I'm an introvert and Fb is my friend. It keeps me connected to those I love without me having to call.

 

I do see your point, though. Last week a friend posted updates on her labor followed by birth stats on FB. One friend asked me two days ago if S had her baby yet. I felt really bad that no one told her.

 

I had a friend who just had a baby a few weeks back. Her dh put pictures of the baby up on Facebook soon after the birth. Now, I see this as a very wonderful way of getting pictures out to many with little effort. I understand it can be hurtful to those that don't do FB, but I think the benefit outweighs it. You CAN reach many with ease, where it can take time and more effort to reach each individually otherwise.

[OnTheBrink]

I was dragged into FB skeptically, because I thought it was more like MySpace, which I hate. But, most of my church friends are on and I've found other friends I'd lost track of. Our church started a network because it was easy to disseminate info fast, especially to the youth.

 

I found it was the best way to announce to the church that one of our member's baby was born after a long labor. There was no way we were going to call 400 people; I called the closest friends and let everyone else find out on FB and via our church yahoo group. That really kept the church phone lines free from "Has she had the baby yet?" calls.

 

As for privacy, simply don't post private info. How hard is that? If you use your real name, don't select a city or a specific network. If you don't want your kids' pictures on, don't post them. Set the settings to only allow friends to see past your profile. I've looked for old friends, only to find there are 10 pages of people with the same name and no city and no picture. There's no way I'm going to go through all those pages and message everyone to ask if they're my friend! So, it's as private as you make it.

[Kate CA]

I feel the same way, Kate.

I have a couple of relationships that have always been wonderful, but are becoming even better because of FB. My cousin is one example. She is a busy working mom who doesn't have time for phone calls during the day, and certainly not in the evening when she is spending precious hours with her babies.

With FB, she will quickly check her page during her morning break, send me a message, update her 'status', or read a note I've sent to her. I get to see pictures of her children, know whether she is swamped at work or if the load is light and I can invite her to lunch.

We certainly could do all that through email, but the unique status update feature on FB makes those little things so much easier that we more often get beyond, "We should get together when you have time," and right on to, "Looks like you'll be free next week. How about lunch on Thursday at 1:00?"

 

Yes, this is exactly the kind of thing I mean. :001_smile:

[Colleen]

The message I get from that ~ from you, Kate, and others, is just this: "Well, I don't have time to keep up a friendship with you individually. I need to kill as many birds with one stone as possible while maintaining my relationships and FB makes that easy for me." It seems like people are prizing quantity over quality.

 

You know, Colleen, this was not in any way what I said. I said that I was building friendships I never had to begin with on FB

 

I'm sorry for misinterpreting. I wish I could say I understand better now, but the truth is that I don't. Clearly, people like you and Crissy, who are familiar with FB and for whom it serves the same purpose, are able to "hear" each other in this, whereas it's difficult to explain to me since I've never even been there, as you said.

 

Ya know, a lot of it is probably the fact that I'm ambivalent about ~ or perhaps I should say not very committed to ~ genuinely developing relationships in the first place. FB would, for me, likely just be a means of feeling in the loop, but really...so what? (I typed a lot more here and then erased it all because I really can't explain my odd self.)

[Elaine]

Isn't there a sort of irony in complaining about an internet social network to your internet message board friends? :)

 

 

 

:D Ha! That made me laugh, Hillary.

[Garga]

I hear you. I called a friend who was overdue to have her baby to commiserate with her (being overdue) only to have her say, "Oh! I had the baby last week! Didn't anyone tell you?"

 

Uh...I thought YOU would tell me....

[Tokyomarie]

Through Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with many old friends, and have been able to share a bit of their lives with them. It has been a pleasure meeting up with folks I haven't seen in a long while, and may never see in person again -- high school and college classmates, former colleagues, and other folks I've met through the years. Catching up with these old friends has been one of the highlights of my FB experience.

 

 

I just joined Facebook this month and I've spent a lot of time holding back tears as I find people who were once very good friends who faded into the woodwork because of our moves. It has been an experience of true joy to reconnect with these special people again. In fact, I just got a notice that one woman I knew in Japan has just confirmed my add- I am so delighted and can't wait to send her a longer message. And when the teen and young adult children of my friends choose to add *me*- I love that connection. In one case, I got an add yesterday from the son of a good friend who lives far away who is apparently not on Facebook yet. It reminds me that I *do* need to pick up the phone and call her!

Edited January 25, 2009 by Tokyomarie

[CAMom]

Colleen,

 

Can I ask a genuine question?

 

You said you feel out of the loop because people are hearing things on FB. You've also said that you hate the phone, avoid it like the plague and, if I remember right, have said in the past that you don't even answer the phone.

 

So, how are you expecting to get the information? If you don't answer your phone and don't hang out somewhere like FB....?? Would you like to receive the info by e-mail? By someone leaving a message on your answering machine?

 

I totally understand not wanting to delve into FB (although, I think part of your opinion of it is misunderstanding because you don't get how it works) but it seems like you're kind of elusive on how you want people to pursue a relationship with you.:confused:

 

I'm not a phone person either. At. all. I have one friend I chat with on the phone and I chat with my mom once every couple of weeks. That's it. One reason I do like FB is that I can check in with my friends and build our relationship without having to get on the phone. I can communicate at my convenience. I also don't have to worry about interrupting someone else's day. They can check in on me at their convenience, too.

 

I do keep IRL contact with my friends when I see them in person but FB helps facilitate some casual contact to stay connected between times we are able to get together.

 

(I really hope my question doesn't sound snarky. I'm just really wondering what your preferred method of being kept in the loop is.:grouphug:)

[Elaine]

Facebook, for me, has become the old WTM boards. In a nutshell, I get to "hang out" with the people whose online company I truly enjoy without all of the nonsense.

[Zelda]

:D Ha! That made me laugh, Hillary.

 

It is funny but its also a good point. It seems like it would be more productive to ask the friends about it.

[abbeyej]

Ya know, a lot of it is probably the fact that I'm ambivalent about ~ or perhaps I should say not very committed to ~ genuinely developing relationships in the first place. FB would, for me, likely just be a means of feeling in the loop, but really...so what? (I typed a lot more here and then erased it all because I really can't explain my odd self.)

 

I guess if that's how you feel, I really don't understand why you were disappointed at not hearing your "friends" news. If you genuinely don't care about having relationships with other people, you don't like using the phone, you don't want to send email, and you positively bristle when someone just tries to do something nice (like bring you dinner)... Then how can you simultaneously be ticked off that you're "out of the loop". I don't think this is a Facebook issue. I don't think it's a technology issue (you're here, after all).

 

But if you want human connections with people, you may have to make an effort.

 

And if you don't care about creating connections, you shouldn't be hurt when other people have them and you don't (regardless of what tools they use to build and maintain those connections.

[Tracey in TX]

I love FB. My life is fuller as a result. Strange comment, but I've moved 16 times in 21 years. I have friends all over the world and can now get snippets of daily information on their lives. It's a great way to reconnect. While it doesn't take the place of a IRL friendship, it can enhance the friendship.

Why sneer at technology? At one time only the wealthy could afford to write and send letters. Phone calls were impersonal, once upon a time. Email was once for geeks. Why not embrace the 21st century and allow relationships to morph with societal expectations? If not we'd still be tribal companions gathering our food together. ;) Times are a-changin'!

[Colleen]

I guess if that's how you feel, I really don't understand why you were disappointed at not hearing your "friends" news. If you genuinely don't care about having relationships with other people, you don't like using the phone, you don't want to send email, and you positively bristle when someone just tries to do something nice (like bring you dinner)... Then how can you simultaneously be ticked off that you're "out of the loop". I don't think this is a Facebook issue. I don't think it's a technology issue (you're here, after all).

 

But if you want human connections with people, you may have to make an effort.

 

And if you don't care about creating connections, you shouldn't be hurt when other people have them and you don't (regardless of what tools they use to build and maintain those connections.

 

Ouch, Abbey. That was a particularly rude response, as well as inaccurate. It's ridiculous to assert that I "positively bristle" when someone tries to do something nice for me and use the dinner as an example. What I said specifically in that thread is that I was embarassed. Yes, it felt very awkward since we weren't in dire straits and and I don't know the woman. I genuinely wondered whether I should try and convince her to direct her efforts elsewhere, so I asked here for advice.

 

As I said in my reply to Kate, I had typed a lot more earlier, trying to explain my feelings about relationships, and erased it because I was rambling and not making much sense. While I am very close with the two friends I mentioned in my original post ~ and was therefore surprised I didn't hear about their news ~ I am speaking in a broader sense about my ambivalence toward relationships, e.g. like hornblower, I'm not particularly interested in "finding" people with whom I've not made effort to maintain contact.

[Colleen]

It seems like it would be more productive to ask the friends about it.

 

It's not one or the other.

[Mama Lynx]

We move frequently. I'm a busy person in general (who isn't). I also need downtime after being busy. Put all those together, and Facebook is a blessing for me.

 

Can you imagine how much effort it is to maintain relationships with groups of friends from several different geographic areas? And then also, groups of friends from different life areas. Every single one of them is worth the effort. Absolutely. But I only have so much time, and energy. Especially the energy.

 

Facebook makes it quick, and easy, and, frankly, nondemanding. Nonintrusive. And yet, being in the loop, if a friend needs me, I can initiate a "real" contact and be there for them. I am a phone person (for my friends, anyway, not for business), but I only have a small amount of time available to spend on the phone.

 

My choice was to either use a system like Facebook, or keep a couple of close friends and let the other people slide off my radar and out of my life. I am not a fan of losing people, so ... Facebook works. I just wish I could get my brother in the loop. He has a MySpace page, but MySpace is hard on my eyes and ears ;-) (And it's too easy to wander into obscenity, there.)

[Zelda]

 

Can you imagine how much effort it is to maintain relationships with groups of friends from several different geographic areas? And then also, groups of friends from different life areas. Every single one of them is worth the effort. Absolutely. But I only have so much time, and energy. Especially the energy.

 

 

 

These are all good points.

 

What's also nice about Facebook is that if I have some big news to share I can just post it there and not have to actually interface in any meaningful way with anyone.

[Hillary in KS]

Facebook, for me, has become the old WTM boards. In a nutshell, I get to "hang out" with the people whose online company I truly enjoy without all of the nonsense.

 

YES! Elaine. Absolutely. It does feel very much like the old boards. Not the recent old boards. The OLD boards, when if felt like there were fifteen of us on there and we used out real names because we didn't know enough not to. ;)

[Danestress]

I recently opened a Facebook account, and it's fun to reconnect with some people I haven't heard from in many years. We've moved a lot, and I appreciate being able to do that.

 

But I don't understand why someone would just post important changes on Facebook and not take the time to tell friends that they could easily call. Why would they do that? I don't understand it at all. It seems like nurturing your real friendships - the kind that don't have to be easy or convenient - is more important that chatting with friends who, but for the ease of FB, you wouldn't bother with.

[Colleen]

You don't sound snarky, Ronette. You pose good questions ~ questions that I'll spend some time considering. As far as the two scenarios from my original post, in those cases I would've expected a phone call. (I do answer my phone when I'm expecting some news, or when a familiar voice comes on the machine.) I guess I was particularly surprised because in both cases, these people had recently been telling me that they aren't very into Facebook, are kind of ambivalent about it, etc.

 

Anyway, thanks for your post and I will mull over what and others have shared.:)

[CAMom]

You don't sound snarky, Ronette. You pose good questions ~ questions that I'll spend some time considering. As far as the two scenarios from my original post, in those cases I would've expected a phone call. (I do answer my phone when I'm expecting some news, or when a familiar voice comes on the machine.) I guess I was particularly surprised because in both cases, these people had recently been telling me that they aren't very into Facebook, are kind of ambivalent about it, etc.

 

Anyway, thanks for your post and I will mull over what and others have shared.:)

 

That makes sense. I answer my phone in those instances, too. I also understand the feeling of being out of the loop. In fact, I experience it quite a bit IRL.

 

I'm glad I didn't come off as snarky. I really do enjoy you, Colleen, and wouldn't want to offend.:)

[Colleen]

Can you imagine how much effort it is to maintain relationships with groups of friends from several different geographic areas? And then also, groups of friends from different life areas. Every single one of them is worth the effort.

 

Yes, having lived in a number of different places (though not recently) and had some very different chapters in my life, I can imagine. But there tend to be few people in whom I want to invest energy after one season ends and another begins.

 

Facebook makes it quick, and easy, and, frankly, nondemanding. Nonintrusive.

 

Stop the presses! You just used the word that resonates with me more than any other: "Non-intrusive". Yeah, that's the ticket....:D

[Colleen]

It seems like nurturing your real friendships - the kind that don't have to be easy or convenient - is more important that chatting with friends who, but for the ease of FB, you wouldn't bother with.

 

I wonder, when you (that's a general "you") connect and reconnect with many friends via a social networking board like FB, what would happen if you no longer hang out there? Would those friends have become significant enough in your life such that the friendship actively continues? Or, as is often the case with online connections, does the relationship then ease back into the background? Rhetorical questions, of course. The dynamics of online communication are interesting, aren't they? And on that note, I've gotta get in a few miles before it's pitch black outside!

[Kay in Cal]

That's what I was going to say. It can be very secure if you set your preferences as such. You can also set levels of security by having a sub-list and setting individual preferences for that list. For example, I have a list called "acquaintences", who are people who wanted to friend me, and I know, but I dont' want them having all my info.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

 

I wonder, when you (that's a general "you") connect and reconnect with many friends via a social networking board like FB, what would happen if you no longer hang out there? Would those friends have become significant enough in your life such that the friendship actively continues? Or, as is often the case with online connections, does the relationship then ease back into the background? Rhetorical questions, of course. The dynamics of online communication are interesting, aren't they? And on that note, I've gotta get in a few miles before it's pitch black outside!

 

Same thing that happens when I move, I guess. I'm a HORRIBLE (oh, truly bad) long-distance friend. I hate the phone (let me count the ways), am unreliable with email (people here, even, will say "amen" to that one), and letter? Uh... no.

 

So what happens is that people I care about just become people I used to know and still care about, but who are now my sadly neglected long-distance friends.

 

And I never connect with new friends via facebook. I can't think of how that would work. I either know them IRL or I've come to know them well here from this board. (And I have a few friends on fb who know ME here on this board better than I know them, and that's fine. I know them enough to let them see what I'm saying on my wall (which I keep to a fairly high privacy level) and to want to keep up tangentially with what's going on with them.) I like to see what my classmates from nursing school are up to, and I have one friend from school in MD, my bff, a friend from grade school who it tickles me greatly to have "found" because I admired him so much as a young child, and some people from here. That's all. Oh, and a couple of people who were faculty at Ben's middle school and his sixth grade roommate who is a really neat young man (and his mama). Oh, and my daughter. (My son won't join because he finds it sucks his time away to an extent he doesn't care for.) I can't envision ever forming an actual new friendship off facebook. I don't know how anyone would do that.

 

I formerly (teens, twenties, early thirties) did not like women in general very much at all. Getting past that was the key to joining things like both this board here and facebook. (Not that I don't have male "friends" there, I do, but there's not a whole lot of the messaging back and forth with them, etc.) Anyway, now I find I am needy for goodhearted, intelligent women in regard to support and kindnesses and such. So transitioning to facebook was a good thing for me, although I had an account for two years before I ever did more than peek in every six months or so.

 

People who are good friends have just another way of keeping in touch. People who are more like mere acquaintances have at least some contact. It's just another tool. Someone called it blogging one line at a time. That's kind of it for me.

 

ETA: As to easing into the background, yes, that will happen I think if one stays away. Like leaving a church, or leaving a forum like this one, or moving, or graduating school, or circling the wagons to become a hermit (which I did once for a year out of self-preservation and only "hung out" here on the old board). But it's a "season of life" thing, and it's all good. The connections are no less valued because they (some of them) may be temporary.

 

Also, remember that "late adapters" are naturally reluctant with new technology or applications or popular things, and that's ok. If you find you want facebook, if it meets a need or desire, you'll participate. And if you don't, or if you try it and give it a good shot and still say "meh," then that's ok, too. Don't sweat it too much. I've gone for years shunning this or that thing and just tried to remember why I made my choice and tried not to second-guess myself. Obviously, I don't leave stuff out of my life just to be different or contrary, but because I could see that what I would be gaining simply was not worth what it would "cost" me, sometimes even a "comfort cost."

 

Maybe being a little weirdo when I was a kid made it easier to march to a different drummer when I choose to as an adult. I've gone from being uncomfortable about my odd ways to fully embracing them when I choose to have little parts of my life be non-conformist. So, you know, if you find yourself out of step, just celebrate and embrace your inner weirdo in whatever form she takes! :D

Edited January 24, 2009 by Pam "SFSOM" in TN

[Scarlett]

 

Yes, having lived in a number of different places (though not recently) and had some very different chapters in my life, I can imagine. But there tend to be few people in whom I want to invest energy after one season ends and another begins.

 

 

 

Stop the presses! You just used the word that resonates with me more than any other: "Non-intrusive". Yeah, that's the ticket....:D

 

I would like to align my odd self with your odd self Colleen. I do get what you are saying. I have a neighbor who....calls a lot. I like her...I ask her for coffee sometimes...I watch her kids sometimes...she watches my son sometimes....and yet sometimes when I see her name on my caller ID I want to scream. Even though she can sit in her office (she works from home) and look at my house and see that I am home I still don't answer the phone sometimes. (and then she calls my cell...:)) Anyway, I digress...

 

Facebook....I joined because dh did. He is all into reconnecting with his highschool friends and since we were/are high school sweethearts those are my friends as well. Here has what has happened...typically. Someone asks to be my friend..I accept....they make some sweet comment about how I am as beautiful as ever, I say something sweet back....and that is that. We don't keep talking. Shrug. Dh is still in the stage of staring at his screen at night and grinning at old pics of his friends. He had many more friends in hs than I did.

 

Anyway, one girl and I are friends on FB. In high school she had a boyfriend who was madly in love with me. She and I were not friendly until a sort of fake/freakish friendliness took over when I was a senior and about to marry my present dh. So when she posted to my 'wall' 'Scarlett you are as beautiful as ever!' I got the giggles at how ludicrous it all was. For days, every time I thought about her comment on my 'wall' I giggled.

 

None of my very closest friends are on FB. I don't put anything important or significant on FB. I mean...it is there forever. For. Ever.

 

BUT! I have a long lost half sister that I've only met once in my life when I was 15 and she was 11. She recently contacted me and we have made plans to meet up in a month. Guess how she contacted me? Yep. FB.

 

It takes a huge effort to make and maintain friendships. And except for the novelty of saying 'hi' to old friends, I too prefer quality to quantity. As one of my very best friends said, "I don't have time for any new friends."

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

None of my very closest friends are on FB. I don't put anything important or significant on FB. I mean...it is there forever. For. Ever.

 

 

 

Scarlett, you know you can delete anything you post on fb, right?

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, you know you can delete anything you post on fb, right?

 

 

Well...LOL. yes. I know this. However, anyone can copy and/or repeat anything you put out there....so if you dont want it 'out there'....don't put it out there.

[Colleen]

As one of my very best friends said, "I don't have time for any new friends."

 

That reminds me of an episode in Seinfeld when Jerry's trying to avoid this one guy and he's saying something to the effect of, "I don't even keep up with my old friends. How can I add new ones?! That's it. I'm not accepting applications for new friends. I'm all full."

 

I use that line (privately) all the time: "I'm not accepting applications for new friends." Not because my life is so chock-full of friends; just because I find it so darn funny.:D

[Scarlett]

 

That reminds me of an episode in Seinfeld when Jerry's trying to avoid this one guy and he's saying something to the effect of, "I don't even keep up with my old friends. How can I add new ones?! That's it. I'm not accepting applications for new friends. I'm all full."

 

I use that line (privately) all the time: "I'm not accepting applications for new friends." Not because my life is so chock-full of friends; just because I find it so darn funny.:D

 

LOL...yes, it is funny. But there is so muc TRUTH in it. That friend who made that comment? She had twins 3 1/2 years ago (with a 2 year old in tow already) and we've had them over to dinner TWICE in that time. We've been to their house probably twice. We've been to numerous mutual events and talk on the phone rarely...We LOVE each other. A lot. But there is no time. So why in heavens name would I want to spend much time on FB with a girl from high whose boyfriend I stole?