Regretting homeschooling

[lulalu]

Anyone else feel like homeschooling was the worst decision you made for your family? After 7 years I am regretting this was the path we took. We are always fighting, crying. And school is always the source of contention. We have had a hard past few years and I am so done having to homeschool. I just need space from my son. I instantly get annoyed first thing in the morning. I don't know what to do right now as school isn't an option where we live at the moment. 

[maize]

How old is your son? Junior high/middle school age?

It's a tough age.

[lulalu]

He is 12 I know a lot is the hormones and our life being stressful the past 2 years, but I am sooooo done. How do you push past this without regretting all the years spent homeschooling 

[maize]

You've said brick and mortar school isn't an option.

If homeschool is the only option,  then... it's the only option.  Maybe grief is more applicable than regret?

There are lots of ways to homeschool though and twelve isn't too old to take a more unschool approach. I call my family's approach to education flex-schooling--I look at the opportunities available each year and try to match them with the needs of each child and of the family as a whole. The only subject I push for consistent formal study in across the years is math,  because it is more linear in progression than most subjects and can be hard to catch up if you fall far behind. 

Do you want to talk about what you might be able to change in your current approach to homeschooling?

[lulalu]

Thanks. Grief probably is a better word. Our life has been full of grief the last two years and it has seeped into schooling as well. 

Yes, we can talk about things to change. 

I have recognized in myself pure exhaustion of mothering since the pandemic started. I know I burnt out on having to do and be everything for my ds during that time. And I haven't recovered being as we have had so much out of our control events happen to us in the last 2 years. 

We have had a hard time being consistent in schooling. So now each day I wake up to ds whining and complaining about needing to do school. 

[Porridge]

 

If you feel comfortable explaining the dynamics of some of the points of conflict, perhaps we can help you brainstorm ways to understand and mitigate conflict. If you have access to good counseling/therapy, that might be helpful.

The 10-13 age was really, really tough in our household, too. We focused on making sure the kids knew we loved them. I'm sure we did it imperfectly. With one of the kids, we went more unschooly. We did the bare minimum and focused on mental health and confidence and relationships. Somehow they both matured a lot around age 13-14 and things got easier (I'm sure I matured, too - counseling/ therapy helped) . 

If you're burned out -- I'm a big fan of scaling back. Drop the non essentials so you have time to rest. I think some of the long time boardies (maybe 8 or LoriD?) have said that mom has to be in a good place in order for homeschool to be in a good place. 

[Wheres Toto]

I agree with those calling for an unschooling or scaled back approach for now.   Even public middle school teachers will refer to those years as a holding pattern where you just try to keep them alive.   Do some math, let him watch videos or read books, do some field trips, work on relationships, and call it done.  

[Eos]

I'm so sorry this is where you're at, and it sounds so hard. I agree that the tween years are rough. @Farrarhas written about it.

First and foremost, tween boys need ridiculous amounts of fuel and also need to play/exercise to sweat every day. The hormones need to be fed and then released! 

If he has projects or interests he really loves, now is the time to throw wood on that fire. Books, movies, outside mentors and/or classes, anything that keeps his interest intact. Supporting his focus will also rebuild trust between you.

1 hour ago, lulalu said:

ds whining and complaining about needing to do school. 

The hardest part about that age is how they can see where they want to be - teenagers - and they are still so young. People sometimes say "let them take some ownership" over their schooling but that might not work if he's really fighting with you.

You can only change you. What do you love? Can you spend time in your day doing something you're really committed to, but near him so he can see you doing it? You modeling love for a task or subject can be a bridge for that age. They know they have to go over that bridge to teen and young adulthood, and you showing the way with focus could be a fine middle school goal.

I agree with @maize about keeping a throughline of math, everything else can be interest-driven. I guess my only caveat is that computer games and screen time are too addictive to let that age have at it. It's not their fault, the devices and programs are designed to addict.

[Farrar]

Here's that infamous "You're Being a Pill" thread from when my kid was a tween.

My pill is now in college. Very happy. But high school was hard for him as well. I don't regret that we homeschooling... but I am a lot less rigid in my thinking about it now. In my business doing college consulting mostly for homeschoolers, I do end up urging some families to send their kids to school, especially when they're miserable. It's just complex. 

Since you're still in middle school, my number one piece of advice is to remember that none of this goes on any permanent records. None of it matters. Math, a little. But mostly middle school is a dead time in education and that's okay for some kids. If school isn't amazing, his brain will still grow and high school subjects (except math and writing) start more or less at square one. So it's fine. Just look for some joy. Let him do what he wants and stop fighting tooth and nail. Pick your three non-negotiables for school and make them small and then let it all go.

If its in the budget, consider outsourcing for next year. WTMA, Aim Academy, Open Tent, Athena's Academy, even Outschool... So many options. Or if you're Christian, there are a lot of Christian providers... just look for ways to take this off your plate in modest ways.

[maize]

Another option for outsourcing is preply.com. It advertises as a language tutoring platform but tutors can offer any subject and with tutors all over the world, prices can be very affordable.  Several of my kids have used it for math and for other subjects. Sometimes it is really helpful to have someone other than mom do some of the teaching. 

[alpinegrace]

7 hours ago, lulalu said:

We have had a hard time being consistent in schooling. So now each day I wake up to ds whining and complaining about needing to do school. 

As someone who has also struggled with consistency, I have found that when I'm inconsistent getting going on our schooling, my kids wake up each day not knowing if they have to actually do school. So when they do, they complain! I had a baby last year and some medical complications that followed, so I really understand that sticking to the schedule can be so hard! But that made it difficult for my 11 year old especially, and she would get a huge attitude when she had to do her work. Finally, I realized that a 5 day schedule just doesn't work for our family. We have a lot going on, so 4 days works best for us. Now we only home school Tuesday-Friday. I also have a calendar on the wall (a big dry erase board one) that has all our family events and such on there. My kids now know that unless told otherwise, they will be doing school Tues-Fri. My oldest's attitude has improved tremendously with this because she can mentally plan for her day - and she plans what Lego design she wants to build next! Play is important still at this age!

I also feel like outsourcing is helpful too so there is less going on between you two. Idk what you do for math, but something like Nicole the Math Lady or IEW, or EIW can take the major subjects out of your hands. Then maybe just get a basic history spine and have him read a chapter a week, or have him watch the History Channel! Science can be watching documentaries too. The relationship with your son is the priority, so insist he works on the basics, but let the rest be easy for a little bit. Maybe he feels burnt out too. I would talk to him and see how he would feel about slimming down the schedule for the rest of the school year. Maybe he'll feel relief and you will too.

[klmama]

On 4/4/2024 at 8:54 PM, maize said:

Sometimes it is really helpful to have someone other than mom do some of the teaching. 

I agree with this.  Starting in middle school my most difficult dc would work extremely well for other instructors or tutors because of not wanting to look stupid or immature.  Actually, that was true for my other dc, too, when it came to working at a friend's house for a few hours while I had an appointment.  My friend and I still laugh when we remember how our middle schoolers got more done in an afternoon together at one of our homes than they ever did alone.  Each worked ahead in their studies that day, because they saw the other kid still working and didn't want to look lazy.  

Edited April 6 by klmama

[Alice]

12 is a HARD age. And it sounds like you also have had other hard things going on. I would sit down with your son and talk about goals and what he wants and likes and dislikes. When I was homeschooling (my second two kids are in public school now for high school) I did that from time to time, especially when things weren't going well. The rules were that they couldn't just say "I hate everything". When he wakes up and doesn't want to "do" school what does that mean? Is it he wants to sit and play video games all day? Is it that he doesn't like formal things like workbooks? Is it that the work is too easy or too hard? Does he need more social outlets? At 12 he should be able to at least give you some ideas of what he likes and what he doesn't even if it might be like pulling teeth or interrogating a secret agent to get the information. 

I agree with Farrar that middle school is kind of an educational time to reset or just do what you want. I'd think of it in terms of goals. What do you want him to go into high school with? Can he read and discuss a book? Is he where he needs to be in math? Is he developing his own interests? And what do you want your relationship to be? And then think about ways to get to those goals rather than thinking in terms of subjects or what you have to do to mimic brick and mortar school. Pick the very very basics and talk about those being non-negotiable and then let him have a lot of leeway to do what he wants with the rest of his time. (Obviously within parameters...not all day on the computer or video games, not doing destructive things, etc). 

[Garga]

I homeschooled my oldest through grade 11 and my youngest through grade 8, then moved to a cyberschool. 

I’m in PA and there are some good ones here. Does your state have cyberschools? 

For my youngest, in his first year of cyberschool, I sat side-by-side with him for all his lessons for the full year as if I was also a student, just to be a presence and fully understand how it all worked. And also to help him develop good note-taking habits, etc.

By the next year, he was ready to be on his own, without me hanging around. 

For my oldest, he was just done with me being his teacher. He was polite, but it was so strained when I had to teach him. I had outsourced a lot of his math and science before then, but in his last year, the cyberschool took care of all of the subjects for me.

Edited April 12 by Garga

[Roadrunner]

You are not alone. I have lots of regrets. Homeschooling was extremely isolating for us. Academically excellent but a disaster in all other ways. 
Whatever is driving the misery, I hope you find answers. Hugs. 

[Loesje22000]

Looking backwards I have regrets for myself.

Homeschooling was great for our kid, not for myself.

I should have taken better care for myself.

I should have protect my personal boundaries against our child.

Those are the things I regret.

[Trilliumlady]

Following…. Similar place

[Ting Tang]

Year 4 here. My oldest is 12. I can relate In many ways… next year, I plan to take on an overseer role with the help of streaming/self paced classes, particularly for my oldest. 

[Dmmetler]

On 4/5/2024 at 9:25 PM, klmama said:

I agree with this.  Starting in middle school my most difficult dc would work extremely well for other instructors or tutors because of not wanting to look stupid or immature.  Actually, that was true for my other dc, too, when it came to working at a friend's house for a few hours while I had an appointment.  My friend and I still laugh when we remember how our middle schoolers got more done in an afternoon together at one of our homes than they ever did alone.  Each worked ahead in their studies that day, because they saw the other kid still working and didn't want to look lazy.  

I would agree. I had one start outsourced classes, another early college classes due to needing other instructors and peers,and two went to PS and then to a University model school.

 

My favorite trick for this age and stage is to take school somewhere public. For many years, we regularly went to the local indoor mall during the time in the morning that it was open for mall walking,bit only the breakfast places were open. We'd get breakfast and spend several hours doing school, when it was quiet and mostly empty. The older adults would sometimes stop and comment and ask.  For S, we met at McDonaldsafter an outsourced class, and, again the only ones there were the senior adults who came every week. For M and C now, Panera or Starbucks. 

 

We get SO much done, and they don't push back at me with an audience. It is well worth the price of a sausage biscuit or a latte. 

[PeterPan]

Considering the majority of homeschoolers put their dc into some form of school in middle school or by high school, it's not realistic to set up things as not an option. If you're not planning to homeschool through high school, then you might as well be working out the transition plan now. April has ended, so do whatever you want in May, call it good, and formulate a plan for fall that works. Things change, life changes, and kids change. Your sweet angel becomes a pain in the butt because that's just what they do in their teen years. Sometimes you're lucky and they come to the other side nice humans. Sometimes they go even more haywire. None of that is your or your identity or a statement about whether you did a good job. You may have been shortchanging selfcare and you may need to take some time to find yourself again. I started a volunteer job to prepare for this transition but you could do anything. You are not your child and their outcome is not a reflection on whether you did well or not. Their story is their story.

[seemesew]

I'm so sorry about your situation and how things are going! Have you considered family therapy for the two if you to learn to work together? Also, What steps are you taking for your mental health? When I gave felt this way in the past I needed some extra help with personal therapy and an antidepressant to get me through it. It's okay to need those things and it's not a bad thing to get medical help.

[lulalu]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate knowing I am not the only one out here feeling this way. I scheduled us all this summer for in person counseling sessions as we all really need it. Hopefully that helps us reset. 

I know most people have options but we really don't unless we move to a different country. I could send my son to live with grandparents so he could go to school in the states. But I don't think that is a healthy choice for us to have him so far away. 

The boarding school I have looked at doesn't start having boarding until 9th grade so we have a few more years until that is an option. 

We are just in the middle of nowhere in a country with very very poor educational options. We already tried the public schools here and that was a disaster. 

[frogger]

Perhaps you are not regretting just homeschooling but rather where you moved? I am sorry. I have had those times. 😥

[maize]

I would prioritize the relationship above all. 

If homeschooling is causing both of you extreme stress, stop what you are doing.

Can you hire a tutor to come to your house three times a week to work with your son on math? You could honestly spend a year just doing that as far as formal academic work goes. Then find whatever he and you can enjoy together or separately to fill the rest of the time. Go on walks, explore the area, spend as much time as you can outdoors, cook together or play board games together or sit and read books. I'd limit screen time if you can, but otherwise the options are wide open.

When you are both in a better place--mom not so burnt out, son maybe past some of the adolescent fuzz--consider adding more formal academics back in.

[Green Bean]

On 4/4/2024 at 11:48 AM, lulalu said:

Anyone else feel like homeschooling was the worst decision you made for your family? After 7 years I am regretting this was the path we took. We are always fighting, crying. And school is always the source of contention. We have had a hard past few years and I am so done having to homeschool. I just need space from my son. I instantly get annoyed first thing in the morning. I don't know what to do right now as school isn't an option where we live at the moment. 

How about looking into miacademy/Clever Dragons? It's an online platform where you just print things. Hands-off and space.

[HomeAgain]

I thought I had responded to this, but I guess not.

Given everything you've written, you need a break.  He needs space. You don't have other schooling options. 12 is a really, really rough year so I don't make this suggestion lightly, but consider unschooling temporarily.  There have been times where I just gave my kids parameters. "From x to y time, there is no tv, video games, phones....if you need something to do, I'm here, but how you fill that time is up to you."  And I let go.  I bought a couple of kits and I'd throw one on the coffee table now and then.  I still took him to the library every week.  Still put on audio books in the car.  It was a month of a lot less stress and more hobbies for myself.  We were able to reconnect and start up again slowly, just working together on a random thing and then adding in an academic study. It's not a long term solution, but it let us step back a lot to see the bigger picture and what could work/what was needed.