Anyone ask people NOT to come over on Christmas Day?

[BabyBre]

Or is that far too ungrateful? We like to stay home and play with our toys on Christmas Day, shut the drapes and stay in our jammies all day, and then eat pizza for dinner!

 

However, dh's father and stepmother always call on Christmas Eve or even Christmas Day (never any earlier) to let us know that they're stopping by. I went to great lengths this year to arrange Christmas dinner (attended by dh's mother, and therefore not his father) on Christmas Eve so Christmas Day would be a relaxing retreat for our little family. Dh is usually scheduled to work either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and we're so fortunate to have him home for both this year.

 

Is it wrong to tell dh's father that we would rather get together on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas? When I tried to schedule with them a couple weeks ago, they dodged the question and said they didn't know what their plans would be. I'm close with stepmother's d-i-l and so I know this to be untrue! I know they're going to be at her house, which is in our neighborhood, in the afternoon on Christmas Day. I know their schedule, but they don't? Grrrr...I don't feel our time and our schedule is being respected here.

 

Is this petty? They do come bearing gifts and don't stay too long, but I think it's the principal of the last minute scheduling that really irks me. I would just like to get some opinions.

[CAMom]

About 14-15 years ago, we told everyone that we would do whatever they wanted us to on any day except Christmas Day. We stay home in jammies, watch A Christmas Story, snack, play games, etc.

 

We make it clear that we don't shower and stay in our jammies and that makes the point strong enough that no one ever dreams of stopping by.;)

 

We've really enjoyed our time as a family but I almost wish we hadn't done it because now my daughter is totally unflexible and will not even consider doing anything different on Christmas Day.

[hornblower]

It's totally up to you to tell people when you're free and when you're not. I don't see why you shouldn't decide to do things your way. Just tell them when they call that sorry, this is not convenient & you have other plans and will see them on ______.

 

You DO have plans. Jammies, family, quiet times playing with new toys - these are plans and just as valid as any other social engagements.

[BMW]

This year is a first for us in this way. We decided not to host any more family get togethers. It is very hard for the inlaws, who expect it. But, we are a family of 11 and there just isn't room in this little house. We did it anyway at Thanksgiving and we had children standing at the table because we were out of chairs. We want to keep things simple and enjoy moments with the children ourselves.

 

I agree with the "let them know that we will get together any day except Christmas day"... in our case, we will continue doing this, but also adding that we are not hosting a meal on ANY day for the celebration. We just can't. It's SO much work, extra people get invited without our knowledge and we don't get appreciated for it... I'd rather do the work and have my children enjoy it with me and share memories that way.

[OnTheBrink]

It's totally up to you to tell people when you're free and when you're not. I don't see why you shouldn't decide to do things your way. Just tell them when they call that sorry, this is not convenient & you have other plans and will see them on ______.

 

You DO have plans. Jammies, family, quiet times playing with new toys - these are plans and just as valid as any other social engagements.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Danestress]

I'm not saying that you shouldn't. You have to decide what your are comfortable with and what works for your family. I certainly would let people know that we aren't doing meals together.

 

But I personally could not tell my own parents or DH's mother that they aren't allowed to see the kids on Christmas Day - just to stop in, say "hello" and have a cup of tea. They live in town so I guess they could see us another day, but for grandparents, Christmas is special.

 

I currently am in a massive major twit about some family holiday issues and my own sense of being "used" by my family, so I am actually trying to figure out what boundaries I am comfortable with, and I don't have all the answers. I am trying to strike a good compromise between, "martyr to the extended family" and "it's all about me." For me, telling grandparents they can't even come over and say "hello" for a hour because I want to stay in my jammies wouldn't feel right. It would feel a bit selfish to me.

[Julie in CA]

I'm not saying that you shouldn't. You have to decide what your are comfortable with and what works for your family. I certainly would let people know that we aren't doing meals together.

 

But I personally could not tell my own parents or DH's mother that they aren't allowed to see the kids on Christmas Day - just to stop in, say "hello" and have a cup of tea. They live in town so I guess they could see us another day, but for grandparents, Christmas is special.

 

I currently am in a massive major twit about some family holiday issues and my own sense of being "used" by my family, so I am actually trying to figure out what boundaries I am comfortable with, and I don't have all the answers. I am trying to strike a good compromise between, "martyr to the extended family" and "it's all about me." For me, telling grandparents they can't even come over and say "hello" for a hour because I want to stay in my jammies wouldn't feel right. It would feel a bit selfish to me.

 

Sorry, but :iagree:.

I would still plan on doing the same thing with my day--stay in jammies and not entertain, but if family wanted to stop by for a bit and join us in our doin' nothin' day, I'd welcome them.

 

As for whether or not they know their own plans, I (strongly) think you should give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they think that if they leave it on a very casual basis and slightly "unexpected", that you won't feel obligated to put in a lot of effort on their behalf. Maybe they're even looking forward to a less-formal visit than you might otherwise provide. I'd attribute the best possible motives to it and then move on.

[bkpan]

I'm not saying that you shouldn't. You have to decide what your are comfortable with and what works for your family. I certainly would let people know that we aren't doing meals together.

 

But I personally could not tell my own parents or DH's mother that they aren't allowed to see the kids on Christmas Day - just to stop in, say "hello" and have a cup of tea. They live in town so I guess they could see us another day, but for grandparents, Christmas is special.

 

I currently am in a massive major twit about some family holiday issues and my own sense of being "used" by my family, so I am actually trying to figure out what boundaries I am comfortable with, and I don't have all the answers. I am trying to strike a good compromise between, "martyr to the extended family" and "it's all about me." For me, telling grandparents they can't even come over and say "hello" for a hour because I want to stay in my jammies wouldn't feel right. It would feel a bit selfish to me.

 

I have to agree with this. Believe me, I KNOW that feeling of wanting to be just hubby and the dc for the day - ALONE. But it does seem selfish to me. We don't know how many "good" years we get with our parents. Sooo, I choose to see the blessing in having family that loves us and the dc. that. much.

 

Be thankful that they are mindful and don't stay long. Enjoy the moments and enjoy the brevity of them, lol. HTH

 

Kim

[Murphy101]

why do you have to change anything b/c they are comming over? do they take over the holiday? (I know some do!)

 

I don't care who comes over, but xyz is what we are doing and they are welcome to JOIN us, not change our plans for that day, kwim?

 

So stay in your jammies and play games and huddle in front of the fireplace with a nice glass of wine and offer them a glass too.:)

 

however, if the persons in question want you to stop/drop everything to accomodate their desires for the day - I'd politely say we are otherwise engaged on christmas day and would love to gather with them x-mas eve or the day after.

 

Wanting 1 day a year for your own family traditions isn't asking too much, but I wouldn't exclude anyone from joining in those traditions.

 

from their perspective, their son usually has to work these holidays and they'd like to see him.;)

[SonshineLearner]

I have a feeling that you expect yourself to act differently when others are around. Maybe that's a reason why you just want it to be your nuclear family on Christmas Day??

I guess I'm weird. I see our family as an extension of a larger family...a branch on the tree. I want all of our family together....I'd even take my husband's mother...if she was able (she was here last Christmas)

I guess it's how you perceive family structure. It's one of the things I don't like about our culture...how divided families are.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes boundaries are fuzzy or overstepped....holidays are crazy times to have to decide how to get along with parents and inlaws....

For us, those people are the ones who would have our children if we died....

Good Luck! (and realize that I KNOW I don't understand how your extended family behaves....)

Carrie:-)

[Happy]

As someone who lost both her parents before her children were 10 and 4, I would so love to have a Christmas day with grandparents. When I was a girl with grandparent around, we stayed in our jammies as long as we wanted and played with our stuff all day. I miss that extended family for my children.

 

Said gently....Yes, I do think it is a rather selfish thing to do. Christmas is not only about you and your family, but about *all* family. Perhaps they are the ones who are lonely.

 

We've spent fourteen quiet, our family only Christmases since my mother died. You don't know what I wouldn't give for family that would 'drop by' on Christmas day.

[Jill- OK]

...when you would want them to come?

 

You said that your dh's mother would come and have dinner on Christmas Eve, and therefore, not his father...so, were you wanting them to come the day after Christmas?

 

I think it might be hard for someone not to feel relegated to second-class status if that were the case.

 

Were you meaning that you wanted them to come either before or after the mother, on Christmas Eve? I hate to say it...but suggesting that they come before or after her might give the impression that you're 'squeezing them in'.

 

I know it's hard, when there's more than one set of parents to accomodate (broken family here, although my dad has passed away and my stepmom is remarried with her own new set of relatives to appease, lol), but if they only stay for an hour or so, anyway, and aren't evil people that you don't want to limit your children's exposure to...I'd vote to let them in on Christmas Day for a little while. Especially if it would bless the kids, as well as them. (Only you know the situation).

[KatieJ]

We would love to have grandparents around to stop by casually. 3 of 4 parents have been promoted to Glory and my Mom lives 700 miles away.

 

 

But since I am older and have married kids, I can see the future. Put yourself down the road a few years and your kids are grown, married, have grandkids. Wll they want to just stay home in their jammies because that is what they grew up with? Where will you be then?? At home alone??

 

Food for thought.. I am not being snarky, I am truly further down the road and having to set up new traditions. For right now, all my kids that live near us will be here tomorrow and I am thrilled!

[StaceyinLA]

It's a wonderful thing to do now, but down the road, would you want your kids excluding you? IDK - for us Christmas has always been about my WHOLE family. I didn't grow up with grandparents and I value the fact that my kids are able to have my mom right next door so that she can be with us all during our Christmas morning opening gifts. After that, we mosey on over to her little house and she gives my children their gifts from her. It's just something I can't imagine not having.

 

My dh's dad and his wife often stop by on Christmas Day. I feel lucky that they care about my children enough to want to come and bring them gifts. They could just as easily not.

 

I don't think I'd ever want to be an unwelcome grandparent...

[Kay in Cal]

but my dh only want friends and family, not the church strays I like to invite (single parents, people with no local family, etc.).

 

Over the years we have compromised and I get to invite to my heart's content on Easter, have a few extras on Thanksgiving, and host a dedicated church holiday party. But on Christmas I only invite people that my dh feels comfortable with.

 

I have to say that through time I have come to appreciate that it really isn't so much selfishness on his part, rather a difference in temperment--he's a very strong introvert, I'm an extrovert. He does care about others, but the amount of energy and stress it is for him to host means that he gets very little peace on Christmas if strangers are present. So I try to give him some grace, and keep it as a day for us to play with toys--and only invite very close friends and family. In return, dh lets me budget more than he would like for gifts to those in need. This year we'll be totally by ourselves for the first time in years, but I bit my tongue and didn't invite oodles of church folks.

[BMW]

I have to jump in here and add... I wrote about not having family over for Christmas... we did make that decision the first time this year. But, that was after Dec. 2nd when we had everyone over and had sil blow up at a child and me and scream and get asked to leave. It created a lot of drama, children crying and lasting feelings for the children. We enjoy family and I agree, it's great to have grandparents over... in our case, only dh's parents live nearby and they don't ever come over just themselves, even if we just invite them, they bring others over, too... it creates a lot of work and it's been difficult lately. If we are not enjoying our times and the children hurt, it's time to change how we do it...

 

For now our decision is to invite them over prior to the actual holiday or ask if we can drop by their house... we'd love that... and then have the holiday for our children... for now... When we are more settled in with each other and rough edges are smoothes... maybe not perfect, but better than it's been, we'll host get togethers... It's a temporary decision for our family.

 

But, I've been delivering gifts to family and sending gifts and making lots of holiday phone calls.

[Sparkle]

My opinion is that Christmas is a season, not just a day, so there's no need to try to see everyone on Christmas day itself. We always do end up going to my in-laws on Christmas day because they live here in town, but if I had my druthers I'd keep Christmas just to ourselves and see them another day. We go to my sister's after Christmas and it's always a lot of fun and more relaxed because we have more time to spend without feeling rushed.

 

I'm another one who has lost both parents and all my grandparents, and truth be told, my Christmases are not nearly so stressful and hectic with trying to meet everyone's expectations and mediate all the family bickering now that they are no longer here. I know that sounds really harsh, and it's not that I don't miss them, but I do not miss nearly having a nervous breakdown every December.

 

Everyone has made some good points, I just thought I'd throw in my perspective too :grouphug:

[katilac]

I'm fine with not 'hosting' on that day, but I'd never tell a parent/grandparent they couldn't drop by, unless they fit the toxic family label - - ruining the day with fighting, accusations, or other dramatics. Then I'd protect the day for my kids. Otherwise, I'd welcome relatives dropping by, while still doing whatever I wanted.

 

It doesn't sound at all like they are being obnoxious or intrusive, imo. You say yourself that they don't stay long - - I'm guessing they just want to see the kids on Christmas day and give their gifts. Might the last-minute scheduling be because they are trying to avoid having you tell them not to come on Christmas day?

 

We like to stay home and play with our toys on Christmas Day, shut the drapes and stay in our jammies all day, and then eat pizza for dinner!

 

Again, I'd certainly do this, visitors or not!! Have fun.

[BabyBre]

I have a feeling that you expect yourself to act differently when others are around. Maybe that's a reason why you just want it to be your nuclear family on Christmas Day??

 

Nayfies, you're very perceptive! It's actually not me as much as it is dh. He's such a comfort creature and having Christmas Day like this gives him great peace, as someone else mentioned in this thread. I was almost sad to do this the first time, but I have to say it really has grown on me!

 

 

As someone who lost both her parents before her children were 10 and 4, I would so love to have a Christmas day with grandparents.

 

Thank you to all who reminded me of this. Of course, refusing the grandparents is taking them for granted. There are certainly limited years remaining with them.

 

 

...Were you meaning that you wanted them to come either before or after the mother, on Christmas Eve? I hate to say it...but suggesting that they come before or after her might give the impression that you're 'squeezing them in'.

 

 

And, of course I wouldn't refuse them alltogether. Dh and his father have never been close and really only see each other a handful of times a year on Christmas and birthdays. The reason his father and stepmother won't give us definite time, or even a day that they want to stop over, is because they give priority to the stepmother's family and grandchildren. This has been the case dh's whole life. So what's actually happening is that they're squeezing us in!

 

But, nonetheless, I appreciate everyone's input! I won't cancel anyone on short notice, of course, (although there's nothing to cancel yet because it's still not been scheduled!) so I guess I have an entire year to decide what to do. I don't see anything wrong with declaring that we can get together any time except on Christmas Day. With dh's schedule, we often celebrate holidays on the day before or after anyway. But at the same time, I know grandparents are a treasure and a blessing and that our years with them are limited.

 

Thank you all! Please continue to discuss!

[BabyBre]

My opinion is that Christmas is a season, not just a day, so there's no need to try to see everyone on Christmas day itself.

 

I'm another one who has lost both parents and all my grandparents, and truth be told, my Christmases are not nearly so stressful and hectic with trying to meet everyone's expectations and mediate all the family bickering now that they are no longer here.

 

 

:iagree: Thank you for your honesty!

[Pretty in Pink]

I'm not saying that you shouldn't. You have to decide what your are comfortable with and what works for your family. I certainly would let people know that we aren't doing meals together.

 

But I personally could not tell my own parents or DH's mother that they aren't allowed to see the kids on Christmas Day - just to stop in, say "hello" and have a cup of tea. They live in town so I guess they could see us another day, but for grandparents, Christmas is special.

 

I currently am in a massive major twit about some family holiday issues and my own sense of being "used" by my family, so I am actually trying to figure out what boundaries I am comfortable with, and I don't have all the answers. I am trying to strike a good compromise between, "martyr to the extended family" and "it's all about me." For me, telling grandparents they can't even come over and say "hello" for a hour because I want to stay in my jammies wouldn't feel right. It would feel a bit selfish to me.

 

 

:iagree: By all means, it is your home. Stay in your jammies and have a wonderful afternoon with your children. If they happen to drop by for a short visit offer them some eggnog and let the children enjoy a little time with grandma and grandpa. I would be hard pressed to tell somebody, essentially, to bug off on Christmas day.

 

Maybe there are other boundary issues that need to be addressed with them?

 

I grew up in a military family and am married to a military guy. I can't tell you how much it would have meant to me as a child to see my grandparents on Christmas day. I guess it might seem like a hassle, but if you never had the opportunity you might feel differently. Maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings onto your situation though.

[Danestress]

I always say that the day after Christmas is my favorite day, because I really can hang out in front of the fire and no one expects anything of me.

 

But that's probably why I would accomodate any of our parents on Christmas Day - not every aunt, uncle or friend, but grandparents are different. I would just give then an our on the big day, and find other times that my family can hang out and relax.

[HRAAB]

I think you need to do what is best for your family, but... I would give anything if my parents could come by for a short visit. But short of heaven, it isn't happening for me. Honestly, I could never have told my parents not to come. That is me, though. Now with my in-laws we always visit over the Christmas holidays, but not necessarily on Christmas Day. My fil is 90, mil 85. Very likely, this might be the last Christmas for one or the other.

 

If my parents were here, I wouldn't bother to get dressed or anything. We're always in our jammies too with toys and paper scattered all over the floor. That's what Christmas is with children. I'd welcome them into my messy home and share our take out Chinese dinner with them.

 

Of course, maybe your parents have different expectations, but I would think being able to visit children and grandchildren would be more important than a neat house, dressed kiddos or a home cooked meal.

 

Janet

[Joanne]

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer here.

 

I do have some "advice", though. If you'd like your solo family and to fully embrace the rare and unexpected holiday with DH, be direct and honest about it to your family. "It's rare he's off Christmas. This year on Christmas day, we are going to hunker down together without the expectations that come along with meals, families and typical holiday traditions."

 

I *get* wanting to hunker down, have a family only, informal, cozy day. I often have others in my home, people around tends to drain me. However, I also have dead or long distant family I'd give *anything* for my kids to build holiday rituals and traditions with. That's why I say there are no one size fits all answers. It's not inherently selfish to have your desire on this one; it's not inherently a given that Christmas = lots of extended family.

 

Be honest with your needs and desires for *this* Christmas day. Remember it's a season. I don't want to derail this thread, but there is nothing sacred about Dec. 25. I'll spend mine at this Fireworks Stand (hopefully with a homeless friend we are prepared to pay for work), my DH is working at another of his jobs and the kids will be at their Dads. We'll do our family Christmas sometime when the kids get back.

[LaxMom]

...

I have to say that through time I have come to appreciate that it really isn't so much selfishness on his part, rather a difference in temperment--he's a very strong introvert, I'm an extrovert. He does care about others, but the amount of energy and stress it is for him to host means that he gets very little peace on Christmas if strangers are present. ...

 

This is me, too. Though I'm not sure my husband is a total extrovert, for me, having a house full of people is. completely. draining. My in-laws are delightful, wonderful people. If they lived in town, I would have no problem with them "stopping by". They're two hours away, though, so stopping by is from late morning until late evening.

 

I stay up late doing those Christmas Eve things you do when you have children, then get up early because, let's face it, the children are awake when it's still dark out. Then there's the rush to get dressed and be presentable, create snack items, make dinner, blah, blah, blah... meanwhile, I've been exhausted since 10 a.m. There's too much noise, too much activity, too much to do and, at the end, the children are overwrought and melting down, and I'm a basket case. So, my joyful, peaceful day is whittled down to the hour after I (prematurely) get up and then it takes the next week to recover... three days later, though, we're apparently expected to schlep to my in-laws for some extended family fete - the FIFTH event, in fact, in 14 days where ALL of these people have gotten together. Because everyone wants to have a "thing".

 

Good grief.

 

So, yes, I have put the kibosh on entertaining the family on Christmas. I'm sorry. Call it selfish. Call it nervy. It's a survival thing.

[kalanamak]

 

Is it wrong to tell dh's father that we would rather get together on Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas?

 

Is this petty? They do come bearing gifts and don't stay too long, but I think it's the principal of the last minute scheduling that really irks me. I would just like to get some opinions.

 

What does hubby say? It is his father. Some families would consider it very poor taste to tell someone who brings gifts and doesn't stay long not to come (especially when they are in the neighborhood). I get the vagueness is irritating. I'd be irritated with that, but honestly, if I came to see my grown child bearing gifts for just awhile, and I wasn't a horrible person who abused son or makes scene or bums money, I, personally, would feel hurt.

 

Maybe they do the last minute thing for fear if they arranged it earlier you'd say no. Maybe they do it because they never know if they'll have a fight (or one gets hungover) and they can't make it and they don't want to disappoint.

 

Again, what does hubby say. I try to stick by what spouse advises about his family rules/ traditions/ habits, etc.

 

So sorry this is giving you grief.

[Ellie]

I would love to have people drop in on Christmas Day. I understand that it bugs you, but oh, I would give almost anything to have someone, especially grandparents, visit us on Christmas .

 

If they're only going to be there for a few minutes, late in the day, I'm thinking y'all have had all day long to play with the Christmas stuff. And they're the grandparents. Let them come.