Difficult people

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I don’t even know what to do.

I’m teaching a class underneath someone in order to fulfill the internship requirements for my state teaching certification in this subject. It’s adult technical ed. Despite the fact that this woman actually approached me and offered to “teach” the class so I could get my internship done, she’s been miserable toward me since it started.  Probably since the day she was told she had to actually be present and couldn’t just show up occasionally.

In any case, class was last night(1X a week class).  She was annoyed because the tech wasn’t working properly in the county building we are using and no one was around to fix it. The whole night got worse. and then…I happened to see the post it notes she was putting all over her table she was sitting at, which is a lifelong habit of hers, but they were literally documenting any little thing I said wrong or that went wrong, in a joking manner and making fun of me.

This is someone before the class I would have considered a friend.  There isn’t really anyone right now above us that could handle the situation due to upheaval in the county office that would oversee the class. I just don’t know whether to bring it up or just try to ride this out, but the class goes till May. If it matters, she’s an RN, and when I’ve brought this up carefully to a couple people I thought maybe could help they just shrug and say that’s how RNs teach, by eating their young.

Edited October 18, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Danae]

If I understand correctly these aren’t post-it notes she’s showing anyone else, she’s just externalizing her own though process?

if so I’d ignore it for now and see how next week goes.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It is just externalizing, but if she really thinks I’m as stupid as those notes indicate, it’s not a situation I want to be in.  
I don’t actually think it’s personal. I think she’s just very upset that her bluff got called and she has to actually show up.

[TechWife]

3 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

It is just externalizing, but if she really thinks I’m as stupid as those notes indicate, it’s not a situation I want to be in.  
I don’t actually think it’s personal. I think she’s just very upset that her bluff got called and she has to actually show up.

Is this the person you’re teaching under or one of the students in the class?
 

[Indigo Blue]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. The whole post it note thing. Sooooo odd. 😳

[Starr]

Would she respond to some affirmation , a little gushing over her generosity to do this,however fake? 

[City Mouse]

It sounds like you are stuck for now, but I would definitely take her off the “friends” list.

[Kanin]

Yeah, that's super weird behavior. Did she want you to see the sticky notes or something? Sorry this is happening. I would be very bothered by the whole thing, and I'd probably tell her that I saw the sticky notes and ask her what she was doing that for. 

I'm not good at pretending things are fine when they're not.

[Scarlett]

Ugh. That is terrible. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It’s the person I’m teaching under.

i think she externally processes with sticky notes. Her desk at the hospital is covered with them too. She ripped one up about me after realizing I saw it. 

It is a pattern though.  This is the same person who only agreed that I could miss one class to drive 13 hours round trip to my close cousin’s funeral after the person above us had to get involved and she wanted all kinds of paperwork completed for class first.  I’m speaking at a conference all this week and will have very little time so she assigned me to write a 100 question multiple choice exam by Monday. 
It’s a pattern of behavior.

[Harriet Vane]

Try to surreptitiously get a photo of those notes.

Get video of you teaching the class without explicitly telling her you’re doing that.

Build a case for yourself so that when she writes nasty things about you in something official you have recourse.

I am assuming this is something that is necessary for you to do. So the idea is to both be super syrupy sweet to her and to document like crazy. 

[Katy]

I’d go straight to her boss or HR and complain. You want to be the first person to get something on record. Sure, nurses eat their young, but there’s a difference between a burned out hag being rude & condescending vs actual legal harassment, and she crossed the line. If she doesn’t want to work she should stop and deal with the consequences, not take it out on someone who’s doing most of her job for her. 

[MercyA]

What a jerk. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. ❤️

[DawnM]

There is a saying in education that the admin shouldn't be evaluating you for a "gotcha" but as a help to improve your performance.   Is there anything similar in your line of work?

I had a very bad principal 2 years ago and similar things were happening.   I was afraid to go to HR but she turned me into HR for being insubordinate or some such stupidity and I had to meet with her and HR.   I said, in front of HR, that I felt that everything I did was a "gotcha" for her.   She was mad but she backed down after that, well, backed down a bit.

She recently got demoted for the way she treated people.   I am glad I said something.   Meanwhile, I got a promotion!~ 😆

[gardenmom5]

Um . . Thre is truth in that.   An RN acquaintance of mine said that to me probably 25 - 30 years ago.  Nurses eat their young.  And that included long-time nurses doing that to newly (but licensed) nurses that were working together.   It's also unprofessional, and juvenile.   - like jr high mean girls turned into adult mean girls.

Is she open to talking? was she "a friend enough" that you could talk to her?  It sounds like she's taking her anger that she has to actually be there out on you. 

Edited October 18, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Moonhawk]

Okay, well. There may be truth in that, but just because it is that way, doesn't mean it should be that way, or that is has to be that way. So while it may give an excuse to the person, it doesn't really make it acceptable. And just because it is that way, doesn't invalidate your feelings, because it's wrong regardless of normalcy. And in my nursing-education-adjacent role right now, that is not what I see, so definitely it is changeable.

But that doesn't help you in your situation, sorry.

Pretending you never saw the post-its and treating her with niceness and extra than usual is probably the safest course, too. Forwearned is forearmed, though, and now you can prepare in case it's a sign of what's to come.

I would document however necessary. Take videos of your classes if at all allowed, and say its so you can review your presentation, evaluate, and continuously improve your performance in front of a classroom (a valid method, honestly, we did it for all sales meetings). Write down what she had on the post its. Document all interactions, try and keep the communication to text/email if possible (maybe hard to establish new routines now, but holidays are always a good excuse for changeups). 

Another idea: You can ask for her point-blank for immediate feedback after every class (don't bring up the post its). She can blow it off and say "it was fine", or she can give actual feedback. But document that you were asking for feedback after every class. So you can show you are trying to improve; and, if she later comes back with a poor final evaluation, you can show that none of this was a problem when you continuously asked for feedback throughout the course. Even every-other or once a month asking for feedback would probably show that you were consciously working and looking for improvement areas, and would discredit anything she says is an ongoing issue. (Caution: This does open up the territory, though, that she criticizes without giving actual feedback you can work with, and that may be an equally bad situation for your morale and relationship. But would also give you a more official reason to discuss with others in leadership how you are not getting the support/direction you need, and you don't think her evaluation will be un-biased.)

 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Fortunately, for my certification I have to have at least two instructors sign off(i will actually have three) and a video of my teaching.  Most of the notes about how stupid I am are tech problems I’ve had using the county equipment like projector and smart board.

I don’t think she will screw up my certification because there is intense political pressure from the regional and state level for me to get it.  She is clearly going to make this process as miserable for me as possible though.

And it might sound juvenile but frankly it hurt my feelings.  the tone of the notes was very mocking.

[Indigo Blue]

8 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

And it might sound juvenile but frankly it hurt my feelings.  the tone of the notes was very mocking.

Of course it hurt your feelings. That is very mean. There is something wrong with someone who acts like that, so know it’s her and not at all you. 
 

I know people who like to make you feel stupid for not knowing how to do some sort of relatively easy tech thing. If you’ve never used a smart board or projector before, then you aren’t going to know how to use it. Simple. Even if you do, it doesn’t mean you are dumb for having technical issues with it. People who don’t understand this are juvenile. You didn’t do anything wrong. That lady makes me mad. She sounds very….hold on…. I’m going to say the word…..narcissistic. 

[wintermom]

I would be really temped to make a post-it note and somehow slide it in among hers. Mine would read, "I can read your post-it notes. Better make them smaller so you don't look like a b!tch."  Anyone who can read those notes may think this of the women. She should be told. It's extremely unprofessional, and if a participant in the class read them she (and you as a co-leader) could face some negative feedback.

Not to mention that she is acting like a pain-in-the-@ss spoiled kid. Maybe she's a friend, but an immature one. At least now you know. Sorry you're in this situation.

Edited October 18, 2023 by wintermom

[Indigo Blue]

My post it note might say , “Why do you wanna be sucha little bitch?” 
 

Or buy a whole stack of ‘em and put them on her desk. When she asks, say, “Didn’t want you to run out.”
 

Okay, I wouldn’t really do that. But it’s funny to imagine it. 

[kbutton]

She’s a special kind of mean. Wow! I agree about documenting. When it’s all done, I would make it known as widely as possible what she did. Take pics if you find more post-its.

 

[TechWife]

Wow! That's inappropriate, to say the least. I have no idea how you should approach it - maybe from the angle that you expect communications about your role to be confidential, then if she keeps putting the notes out where others can possibly see them, go to HR.

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

The thing is, I would worry that an outright confrontation will trigger her to new heights. So I would tend to document on my own as suggested and possibly go over her head with my documentation. Just something to think through carefully.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

2 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

The thing is, I would worry that an outright confrontation will trigger her to new heights. So I would tend to document on my own as suggested and possibly go over her head with my documentation. Just something to think through carefully.

This is probably going to be my best bet. I don’t think a confrontation will do much good and she’s pretty subtle about this stuff.

That doesn’t relieve the anxiety I’ve got going on though.