That is all

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

It isn't that at all.  I wish I could explain.  It is like I gather energy from being with people.  I am not putting on the fake smile, I am genuinely happy when I am with people.  It is only when I am all alone that I start whatever this is.  It isn't like I am thinking this and then I put something else on.  I wish I could explain it. It is like a light switch goes on.  I am not faking it. I am genuinely happy. 

Sure, but bandaids aren't healing.

They can help, for sure, but they are not the same thing. 

Something that is healed doesn't reappear within a few hours of taking the bandaid off (aka coming home and being by yourself.)

 

You're an extrovert. That's fine. That is a perfectly reasonable kind of human to be. But a healthy extrovert doesn't self harm like you do when there's no one else around. 

[KSera]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

It isn't that at all.  I wish I could explain.  It is like I gather energy from being with people.  I am not putting on the fake smile, I am genuinely happy when I am with people.  It is only when I am all alone that I start whatever this is.  It isn't like I am thinking this and then I put something else on.  I wish I could explain it. It is like a light switch goes on.  I am not faking it. I am genuinely happy. 

Okay, that's good that you're not having to heavily mask to come across that way, but it still doesn't mean that the way you are in those circumstances is somehow the part that's the true you and the way you are when you're alone is not. There may even be an argument to be made that the way one is when they are alone is the most true self.

[TexasProud]

Just now, SKL said:

Learning how to "live in the moment" might be a worthwhile goal.

Being a bit more willing to show your insecurities in real life might be helpful.

 

LOL, I cannot tell you the amount of women who have come up to me and thanked me for asking the hard question or talking about what I struggle with.  I do it all the time when I am in a group setting, which honestly has been awhile since we have traveled so much. But I do not pretend to be perfect because I am not.  Like I posted about that guy I was having trouble forgiving.  I did mention that to my prayer group. 

[TexasProud]

Ok, I have legitimately done what I needed to do to be on the computer: deleted 2,000 emails, uploaded 500 photos onto Google photos, and recorded two podcasts.  I need to get out of my room by myself.  I will go see if hubby wants to eat dinner and watch a Foundation.  Then back to loading the trailer with my clothes. 

[Rosie_0801]

Here's something for you to do in your spare time while your husband is off doing whatever he is doing on this trip:

Make a blog post about your face. Write a poem if you like, then follow it up with a Frida Kahlo style series of portraits. That woman knew how to say what she wanted to say and felt no obligation to make it pretty. You have a phone, therefore you have a camera. Crafting talent not required. Prettiness not required. Orderliness isn't required. Only humaning. And this can be done wherever you are, home or out. Your face is going to be there with you, no matter what your husband is off doing.

 

[Ginevra]

19 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, I have legitimately done what I needed to do to be on the computer: deleted 2,000 emails, uploaded 500 photos onto Google photos, and recorded two podcasts.  I need to get out of my room by myself.  I will go see if hubby wants to eat dinner and watch a Foundation.  Then back to loading the trailer with my clothes. 

Good luck. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, it probably comes from a combo of childhood stuff.  My dad had a genius IQ.  He was star quarterback.  Student council president. President of the chess club.  A fabulous painter and poetry writer and genius mathematician.  He read the dictionary for fun.  He was great fun to talk to sometimes, but he could also turn in a minute and make me feel stupid.

I will never be that smart, so I had to be as good as I possibly could be.  Also, I was made fun of a lot for my cleft palate, cleft lip, and crooked nose.  I will never be beautiful, so I have to be as sweet and wonderful as I can possibly be to make up for that. 

Your face and your abilities are Not an offense to the world.

[momto3innc]

I know there are countless reasons you will share why this is impossible, but I feel like you would greatly benefit from a job. I certainly do.

Now, we need the money. The option is not there for there for me to be at home, to travel, to take a lot of time for hobbies. And that’s okay! While there are times my job makes me crazy, I love the social aspect, the good that is done, the sense of accomplishment. Most of the time…I love going to work. It often seems you’re bored. A job could help with that if you were so inclined to make changes that allowed that. If not, serious volunteering when you’re available could mimic a lot of that.

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Was I always so driven to get things done?  No, I wasn't. But what choice do I have other than to sit in the house doing nothing by myself.  Yeah, he is competent, but I really wish he wasn't sometimes. 

My husband is very similar. He will take on whatever and just go for it. For example he wants to play softball for fun. Now any other person will just go out there on the playing days and just play. My husband got himself a baseball coach, and a batting cage. This is all extra hours that I'm parenting by myself, or this might be the reason I can't do ballet lessons (because time conflict).

How I stay un-bitter is because I realize I do have a choice to not sit around the house doing nothing. I can say you get 2 sports only when he decides to pick up golf. I can say Wednesdays are my nights, you need to make sure the family is fed and put to bed. I can say this RV trip can't happen at this time because I'm starting a grieving daughters group. I can say this week has been hard on me can you skip baseball practice and just be with me doing nothing. Conversely it is my choice to sit around eating bon-bons while he takes up crochet.  

Truth of the matter is I choose many times to just be the supporter and hence I suppose I am my husband's 2nd fiddle (? but I just never really think about it that way). I own that I made that decision. That means a different time for something else I can ask that he supports me in my endeavors. (To that point I did ask him to come to my ballet recital and I did tell him I only want to hear good things and feel free to lie to me.) I have asked my husband not to take up certain hobbies because I want that to be my thing. (He has asked the same of me for some hobbies.)   

Edited August 30, 2023 by Clarita
typo

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Clarita said:

 

How I stay un-bitter is because I realize I do have a choice to not sit around the house doing nothing.

And I did know this when I was younger.  So funny, I go back and read my journals from my 20's.  I was so smart.  I made fun of all of the med wives who sat around crying all the time. I did what I wanted when I wanted in my 20's.  I did not wait for him.  You are right.

Being a mom at nearly 30 changed all of that somehow.  I felt 100 percent responsible and had to be on stage 24/7 to parent them. He had no choice in his hours.  He took off 3 times more than any other ortho surgeon, heck any doctor I knew and spent time with the kids. He took each of the three on an individual trip each year. Being responsible for caring for my dad, his grandmother, and then my mom changed me.

Now, I struggle because like now, if I wanted to go out my friends would not be willing.  Most of them are working jobs and still have kids at home, so they are doing all of the drill team or football or drama stuff.  And again, I am only home a little at a time. So yeah, you are right.

Just interesting that I felt that way in my 20's and not now...

[TexasProud]

33 minutes ago, momto3innc said:

I know there are countless reasons you will share why this is impossible, but I feel like you would greatly benefit from a job. I certainly do.

Now, we need the money. The option is not there for there for me to be at home, to travel, to take a lot of time for hobbies. And that’s okay! While there are times my job makes me crazy, I love the social aspect, the good that is done, the sense of accomplishment. Most of the time…I love going to work. It often seems you’re bored. A job could help with that if you were so inclined to make changes that allowed that. If not, serious volunteering when you’re available could mimic a lot of that.

True.  But right now I will own that I am not willing to miss my daughter's performances.  I don't know if she will make it past college.  She has a big role in the first one and a leading role in the 2nd one.   They haven't tried out for Into the Woods for February yet, but if she gets a part I am going.  We will also be in the area for the 5 or 6 weeks in April/May for her senior showcase, senior recital and graduation.  I get one shot at this.  I won't get a job and miss it.  I just won't. In a year or two, maybe.  One thing that makes it hard is that we are in Texas and she is in Indiana.  If she had gone an hour to three hours away, it would be easier. 

Edited August 30, 2023 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Here's something for you to do in your spare time while your husband is off doing whatever he is doing on this trip:

Make a blog post about your face. Write a poem if you like, then follow it up with a Frida Kahlo style series of portraits. That woman knew how to say what she wanted to say and felt no obligation to make it pretty. You have a phone, therefore you have a camera. Crafting talent not required. Prettiness not required. Orderliness isn't required. Only humaning. And this can be done wherever you are, home or out. Your face is going to be there with you, no matter what your husband is off doing.

 

Poem I will do.  Pictures of my face. No.  I hate my face. It is so misshapen and uneven.  Both my mom and my husband told me most of the time they forget unless I am super tired or they see a picture of me. It doesn't capture the life that is in my face.  Not sure if that makes sense, but my personality overcomes it sort of...

Edited August 30, 2023 by TexasProud

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

My dad had a genius IQ.  He was star quarterback.  Student council president. President of the chess club.  A fabulous painter and poetry writer and genius mathematician.  He read the dictionary for fun.  He was great fun to talk to sometimes, but he could also turn in a minute and make me feel stupid.

I will never be that smart, so I had to be as good as I possibly could be. 

In case this helps, my dad got himself through college while being an orphan and everyone always told me how smart he was etc etc. My family for all of my childhood felt I didn't measure up to that. After I graduated from college got my first job and several years later started getting patents (they take a few years to approve). My parents never put up or talk about any of my patent awards (or talk about the fact that I have them, I mean the content isn't really conversation starters).

I'm telling you if your dad ever found out you are/were it wouldn't have changed his attitude towards you.  

[Rosie_0801]

20 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Poem I will do.  Pictures of my face. No.  I hate my face. It is so misshapen and uneven.  Both my mom and my husband told me most of the time they forget unless I am super tired or they see a picture of me. It doesn't capture the life that is in my face.  Not sure if that makes sense, but my personality overcomes it sort of...

Best you don't write the poem then.

You won't find peace in building higher walls to throw yourself against.

[prairiewindmomma]

I don’t know if this will help or be of interest to OP, but for everyone else—-I saw this on r/popular this week and really loved this. Radical self acceptance—with a sense of humor. 
 

One of the things I have loved as I am moving into my hag era (going grey, wrinkly, gnarled knuckles) is my setting down of any obligation to meet conventional beauty standards. 

[Halftime Hope]

On 8/28/2023 at 4:08 PM, lauraw4321 said:

Slight tangent, but @TexasProud's posts seem to warrant this. I have several great grandparents that I didn't meet, but whose life (for better and sometimes for worse) still impact me significantly. My great-grandmother Lyla was said to be a funny, outspoken lady who was a good cook and a lousy housekeeper. She said for years that if she had a front porch on her house she would be able to keep her house clean. She finally got her porch and her house never improved. But my great aunts and uncles spoke about her with such love, it reminds me that having a clean house isn't in my DNA (at least on that side) and that she was still loved for it.

Her husband found creative ways to ensure that his kids could all attend school. He was a farmer and also the night watchman on a barge. During harvest season, he would be so tired that he'd bring his sons to help him on his night shift so that he could sleep some. He never had the cash to pay school fees, so he would volunteer to do jobs at the school in exchange for his kids' fees. He mowed the football field, painted, and even sometimes did janitor duty. Because of him, my grandfather graduated high school and then attended college on the GI bill.

Another great grandparent was an abusive alcoholic drunk. The trauma that my grandmother experienced impacted her, my mother and eventually me. 

All of these things happened well over 100 years ago, but I know them. My kids will know these stories. So I wouldn't discount the impact that your life can have hundreds of years in the future.

I'm so glad that you said this, and so beautifully. Even if there is nothing tangible left after I die -- this is highly likely -- my hope is that my love for those around me, the support, the thoughtfulness about them and their needs; all those things that made them feel valued; the memory of who I was to them; all those memories will be passed on.

I have been very intentional about telling stories about my grandmothers and grandfathers to my kids, so my kids would feel like they 'knew' what kind of people their ancestors were.

Edited August 30, 2023 by Halftime Hope

[regentrude]

38 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 We will also be in the area for the 5 or 6 weeks in April/May for her senior showcase, senior recital and graduation.  I get one shot at this.  I won't get a job and miss it.  I just won't. 

You do realize many people with jobs and financial resources would simply fly out a few times to catch those three events and wouldn't hang around for six weeks and miss that much work, yes?

This is a choice you make. People with jobs do attend graduations and recitals, especially when they are as affluent as you are.

 

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

You do realize many people with jobs and financial resources would simply fly out a few times to catch those three events and wouldn't hang around for six weeks and miss that much work, yes?

This is a choice you make. People with jobs do attend graduations and recitals, especially when they are as affluent as you are.

 

Ok, we don't know the exact dates, but it makes no sense to fly out the weekend of let's say April 6th and fly back the weekend of the 20th and then again the weekend of May 4th, especially when it would cost us 1,000 each time to do so. 

We are "affluent" because we watch our money.  Typically, we spend 6,000 or so a month.  Our vacations are camping.  We save for things and pay cash.  We need the money to last for another 35 or 40 years or so. 

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

an almost 60yo is going to get fabulously good at something.  Not likely.  My time has passed. 

You can get fabulously good at something at 60. What you might not have is a career doing it, but you can still learn to do something better than most people even at 60. (Actually the book Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise talks about that too.) Essentially, aside from some physical stuff like you aren't going to be as flexible as you could have been had you started doing gymnastics when you were 10, older people are still capable of changing their bodies and minds to become better than most at things.

[prairiewindmomma]

You stated upthread your Dh has a new Ford truck capable of hauling a RV. Realistically, that’s probably close to $60k (minimum). Y’all are affluent. 😂

[Clarita]

17 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, we don't know the exact dates, but it makes no sense to fly out the weekend of let's say April 6th and fly back the weekend of the 20th and then again the weekend of May 4th, especially when it would cost us 1,000 each time to do so. 

No you'd fly out and back the weekend of April 6th and fly out and back the weekend of May 4th. Doing that I would imagine would save you money on the short term rental because it's way less days 6-8 days instead of 6-8 weeks (I can't imagine even a week stay being less than $1000).

[regentrude]

28 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, we don't know the exact dates, but it makes no sense to fly out the weekend of let's say April 6th and fly back the weekend of the 20th and then again the weekend of May 4th, especially when it would cost us 1,000 each time to do so. 

We are "affluent" because we watch our money.  Typically, we spend 6,000 or so a month.  Our vacations are camping.  We save for things and pay cash.  We need the money to last for another 35 or 40 years or so. 

OK I give up. 

You aren't affluent but you can afford not to work. You would like to be with people but you want to be on the road half the year. You only felt good when you had a job but it's not convenient to have one now. You complain that you feel insignificant but people IRL are intimidated by your force of personality. You are bored but can't bring yourself to do anything. You hate the marketing but you want to sell. Etc ad nauseam.

Every single suggestion people have made in this or the many similar threads before is impractical because of the lifestyle you are *choosing* out of your own volition but which doesn't bring you enjoyment.

Folks here are engaging with your dilemmas, offer insights and ideas, but you are the single most complicated human with issues nobody else has ever faced and that cannot possibly be solved. We are going in circles, and every thread ends exactly the same way.

Edited August 30, 2023 by regentrude

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Every single suggestion people have made in this or the many similar threads before is impractical because of the lifestyle you are *choosing* out of your own volition but which doesn't bring you enjoyment.

Except for the suggestions that aren't impractical. They are just plain ignored.

 

Tex, no therapist under the sun can help you solve problems you are determined to maintain. That's not a problem with the therapist. That's a problem with your beliefs, desires and choices. It's like you're trying to cure a sugar coma by telling us the variety of pastries you eat when you really need to take the trouble to make and eat a salad because your body (aka psyche) needs the nutrition even if you don't like veggies.

I think you'd get more of what you want from us if you just started JAWM threads saying "I'm bored and want attention." People are allowed to be bored and ask for attention.

[Frances]

43 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

We are "affluent" because we watch our money.  Typically, we spend 6,000 or so a month.  Our vacations are camping.  We save for things and pay cash.  We need the money to last for another 35 or 40 years or so. 

You’re not affluent primarily because you watch your money. Lots of people do that and will never be affluent and it’s insulting to imply otherwise. You’re affluent because your husband had one of the highest paying careers in the US.

[thatfirstsip]

13 minutes ago, regentrude said:

OK I give up. 

You aren't affluent but you can afford not to work. You would like to be with people but you want to be on the road half the year. You only felt good when you had a job but it's not convenient to have one now. You complain that you feel insignificant but people IRL are intimidated by your force of personality. You are bored but can't bring yourself to do anything. You hate the marketing but you want to sell. Etc ad nauseam.

Every single suggestion people have made in this or the many similar threads before is impractical because of the lifestyle you are *choosing* out of your own volition but which doesn't bring you enjoyment.

Folks here are engaging with your dilemmas, offer insights and ideas, but you are the single most complicated human with issues nobody else has ever faced and that cannot possibly be solved. We are going in circles, and every thread ends exactly the same way.

I wonder if you maybe just don't remember these from 5-7 years ago (different user name). Perhaps you were on the education boards more then. This is not a new pattern.

[Rosie_0801]

14 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

I wonder if you maybe just don't remember these from 5-7 years ago (different user name). Perhaps you were on the education boards more then. This is not a new pattern.

Regentrude knows that and is doing what is required to fulfil the pattern for this round.

[thatfirstsip]

You know, I get frustrated and snarky about it, but I also know that I go over and over the same issues, both in therapy and talking to my close friends - not Tex's issues, but my own. Sometimes progress is incremental, and it feels like you're rehashing the same thing over and over - although with this, it doesn't feel like it ever progresses at all - it just feels like being part of a recurrent sitcom that's out of new material.

But I must be getting something out of getting drawn in again, so that's on me. 

[fairfarmhand]

Lots of college students have parents who work and understand that mom and dad can’t be at every performance. Especially if they choose far flung colleges. So if you don’t want to travel. Don’t. Your dd will be fine.
 

But if you choose to do it, don’t resent what your role costs you. 
 

theres a phrase “choose guilt over resentment.” Because it’s easier to deal with the guilt than to live life resentful of things we didn’t really want to do.

Edited August 30, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[forty-two]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I think you'd get more of what you want from us if you just started JAWM threads saying "I'm bored and want attention." People are allowed to be bored and ask for attention.

This.

I used to have a habit, when I was feeling sad and lonely, of writing up long posts on whatever obscure niche topic I was currently into, with the stated intent of starting a discussion.  Mostly they were ignored and so I felt more sad, but sometimes I'd get the discussion I thought I wanted, and then I'd ghost the thread out of anxiety. 

Because while I *thought* I wanted discussion, what I actually wanted to hear was, a la winnie the pooh, that of all the posts on this topic, mine was the best. And the reason I wanted that was because I felt sad and lonely and wanted some positive attention.  And once I finally realized what it was I was actually wanting when I started those sorts of threads, I tried posting an "I'm feeling sad and lonely and would like some positive attention" thread, and it went really well.

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, Clarita said:

No you'd fly out and back the weekend of April 6th and fly out and back the weekend of May 4th. Doing that I would imagine would save you money on the short term rental because it's way less days 6-8 days instead of 6-8 weeks (I can't imagine even a week stay being less than $1000).

Yes, we could do that, but we like RVing and it is cheaper than doing that.  But that wasn't regenetude's point.  She said that people have jobs and do this. If I got a teaching job, then I could not fly out April 6th and come back May 4th.  Heck, I would have enough trouble flying for 3 different long weekends to do that.  And as I said before, yes I know I am choosing it. 

[Ginevra]

8 hours ago, momto3innc said:

I know there are countless reasons you will share why this is impossible, but I feel like you would greatly benefit from a job. I certainly do.

Now, we need the money. The option is not there for there for me to be at home, to travel, to take a lot of time for hobbies. And that’s okay! While there are times my job makes me crazy, I love the social aspect, the good that is done, the sense of accomplishment. Most of the time…I love going to work. It often seems you’re bored. A job could help with that if you were so inclined to make changes that allowed that. If not, serious volunteering when you’re available could mimic a lot of that.

TP won’t acknowledge this post the same way but I want to say, I 100% feel the same way about my job. 
 

I realize now that a lot of things I used to do online, including here, I did because I did not have a place for all the mental energy to go, especially once my kids were not needing me so much. Withering book reviews on GoodReads; articulate debates over politics and religion; arguments with keyboard warriors here and everywhere - I see now that I did it because I had nothing constructive to do with my mind/writing ability/analytical mind. 
 

We could have survived without my income contributions but this setup is far better for me and for dh in so many ways. Even if it’s also simply not having the time to waste making threads like this of my own. 

[TexasProud]

6 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Lots of college students have parents who work and understand that mom and dad can’t be at every performance. Especially if they choose far flung colleges. So if you don’t want to travel. Don’t. Your dd will be fine.
 

But if you choose to do it, don’t resent what your role costs you. 
 

theres a phrase “choose guilt over resentment.” Because it’s easier to deal with the guilt than to live life resentful of things we didn’t really want to do.

Of course she will be fine 🙂  But I want to see it. I don't see how I can't be sad about other stuff.  It seems like I can be happy and sad all at the same time. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Ginevra said:

 

We could have survived without my income contributions but this setup is far better for me and for dh in so many ways. Even if it’s also simply not having the time to waste making threads like this of my own. 

Exactly.  And you notice I don't make threads like this all the time either.  It is why I often go weeks without posting.  It is just the days or week where I am bored.  But probably once I get on the road with the RV, I will be fine.  On the mission field, I am fine. In a particularly busy season at church, I am fine.  But the spaces in between, yah, way too much time in my head. 

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

 

I think you'd get more of what you want from us if you just started JAWM threads saying "I'm bored and want attention." People are allowed to be bored and ask for attention.

Yes, that is what I want. I want my voice to be heard. Can y'all just know this about me? It is ok if I put thanton there, yet not ok just to type what I want...  Just seems a little strange.

Had a really good night's sleep.  Maybe the prednisone is finally wearing off. Yeah!

And btw, I have printed off the thread. I did like some of the suggestions. Already use some of them, will use others.  But when things are going well, I don't feel the need to talk. And again, no on offline hears bad stuff until I have processed it and gotten the lesson from it which is what my writing does.  Which I gather  Melissa doesn't care for.  But that is ok, it is MY writing style. 

[Melissa Louise]

I didn't say I didn't care for it.

I said it's a crowded market, and that I'm interested less in the didactic bit. 

Anyway. That was good faith feedback because you're dissatisfied with the audience you have atm - you got that for free. 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, we could do that, but we like RVing and it is cheaper than doing that.  But that wasn't regenetude's point.  She said that people have jobs and do this. If I got a teaching job, then I could not fly out April 6th and come back May 4th.  Heck, I would have enough trouble flying for 3 different long weekends to do that.  And as I said before, yes I know I am choosing it. 

So you embrace the decision with joy.

Every yes is a no to something else. You seem to say yes to a lot of things and then resent/mourn the nos that you had to say to get the yes. 

You want to support your dh. So do it fully. Embrace that.

"I get joy from supporting my dh. It costs me x y and z, but I decided it was worth it."

"I choose to keep a flexible lifestyle so I can enjoy my dd's college performances. It costs me the ability to have a job that I liked and long term commitments like teaching and speaking, but I decided it was worth it."

You can't have everything all the time. And that's ok. 

You seem to frame things as 

"I wish I had x y and z and I don't because everything in my life is all about my dh and my kids and now I can't have what would help me because they need me so much."

You are in charge here. Make your decision and make peace with the things you have to give up or you will always be in this cycle of discouragement.

[fairfarmhand]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Of course she will be fine 🙂  But I want to see it. I don't see how I can't be sad about other stuff.  It seems like I can be happy and sad all at the same time. 

of course. That's part of the human condition. We experience lots of joy and sadness all at once. I miss my dd who moved out. It's a bit lonely without her. And I'm so proud of her and who she's becoming. And cooking and grocery shopping is easier because she is so picky and it's not my problem any more. Lots of feelings all swirled together. 

[elegantlion]

15 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yes, I have served in third world countries.  I know I am fortunate.  I know I shouldn't feel this way.  I get it.  Believe me.  I know I am blessed and I don't have the self-discipline to do anything about it and really, an almost 60yo is going to get fabulously good at something.  Not likely.  My time has passed.   I just need to be the best person I can be like a previous poster said and just add as much love to the world as possible. 

So I think i will make a list of 10 things to do for others everyday.  

Whatever voice is telling you the bolded, ignore it. I'm 56 and learning lots of new things. My SO retrained for a new job at 60 and has copious intellectual hobbies post-60. You can believe that your time has passed or you can do something about it. 

 

11 hours ago, Clarita said:

You can get fabulously good at something at 60. What you might not have is a career doing it, but you can still learn to do something better than most people even at 60. (Actually the book Peak: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise talks about that too.) Essentially, aside from some physical stuff like you aren't going to be as flexible as you could have been had you started doing gymnastics when you were 10, older people are still capable of changing their bodies and minds to become better than most at things.

For those of you reading and wondering if life is over by 60, forget that, I say. 

A friend started violin lessons at about age 59. 

I started taking belly dancing classes about 8 weeks ago. We've already had one public performance and have three more scheduled in the near future. I've had no dance experience IN MY LIFE before. Our goal is movement and body positivity. Most of the women involved are over 45. It's wonderful. I am an ultra beginner and still learning but perfection is not the goal. Will I ever be "fabulously good"? I don't know, but the potential exists. 

I gave up thinking I had to be great at something however. I might suck forever at belly dancing. It's okay. Life is not just one competition after another. Give yourself permission to be bad at something you enjoy doing. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

19 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

Whatever voice is telling you the bolded, ignore it. I'm 56 and learning lots of new things. My SO retrained for a new job at 60 and has copious intellectual hobbies post-60. You can believe that your time has passed or you can do something about it. 

 

For those of you reading and wondering if life is over by 60, forget that, I say. 

A friend started violin lessons at about age 59. 

I started taking belly dancing classes about 8 weeks ago. We've already had one public performance and have three more scheduled in the near future. I've had no dance experience IN MY LIFE before. Our goal is movement and body positivity. Most of the women involved are over 45. It's wonderful. I am an ultra beginner and still learning but perfection is not the goal. Will I ever be "fabulously good"? I don't know, but the potential exists. 

I gave up thinking I had to be great at something however. I might suck forever at belly dancing. It's okay. Life is not just one competition after another. Give yourself permission to be bad at something you enjoy doing. 

 

Thank you for this. I'm glad you're doing these things. I'm starting college for the first time this fall at age 43 almost 44. And I'm battling the feelings of "What in the world am I doing here?"

[marbel]

14 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

For those of you reading and wondering if life is over by 60, forget that, I say. 

I had to go back to work at 62, after 25 years of not working, and having the expectation I would never need to work. I was referred for the job by an officer in the company, and the owner and my manager were hesitant (they kept asking "are you computer savvy?") but they took the chance because of the referral. The job itself was customer service for a bank, both of which I had experience with, but of course things had changed a lot. I had to learn about 10 new systems to do the job.  And I was scared but I did it. And ended up training other people. 

I quit that job after 4.5 years, and I never liked it, but it was super gratifying to see that I could learn so much, and quickly. I never would have dreamed that I could do that. 

 

 

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, elegantlion said:

Whatever voice is telling you the bolded, ignore it. I'm 56 and learning lots of new things. My SO retrained for a new job at 60 and has copious intellectual hobbies post-60. ...

For those of you reading and wondering if life is over by 60, forget that, I say. 

This. The average 65 year old woman in the US can expect to live to 89. That's decades of life.

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

So you embrace the decision with joy.

Every yes is a no to something else. You seem to say yes to a lot of things and then resent/mourn the nos that you had to say to get the yes. 

You want to support your dh. So do it fully. Embrace that.

"I get joy from supporting my dh. It costs me x y and z, but I decided it was worth it."

"I choose to keep a flexible lifestyle so I can enjoy my dd's college performances. It costs me the ability to have a job that I liked and long term commitments like teaching and speaking, but I decided it was worth it."

You can't have everything all the time. And that's ok. 

You seem to frame things as 

"I wish I had x y and z and I don't because everything in my life is all about my dh and my kids and now I can't have what would help me because they need me so much."

You are in charge here. Make your decision and make peace with the things you have to give up or you will always be in this cycle of discouragement.

Honestly, that is me most days.  That is me today.  I was genuinely excited sharing with my hairdresser about going to see my daughter.  But when I started the thread I had been on the prednisone for a week, sleeping in fits for 2-3 hours a night.  I was so tired, but couldn't sleep.  Last night, I slept a full 7 hours and the world looks so much better today. 🙂  

 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, elegantlion said:

Whatever voice is telling you the bolded, ignore it. I'm 56 and learning lots of new things. My SO retrained for a new job at 60 and has copious intellectual hobbies post-60. You can believe that your time has passed or you can do something about it. 

 

Oh I know.  I mean in the last year I learned how to record a podcast, figured out the hosting process, figured out design in Canva, working on figuring out Scrivner.  I do learn a lot of new things all the time. Sometimes that is overwhelming though. It feels like another tech challenge, LOL.

 

[Kassia]

46 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 Last night, I slept a full 7 hours and the world looks so much better today. 🙂  

 

Life feels so much harder when we are exhausted. Glad you are feeling better today after some sleep.

[Clarita]

6 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Honestly, that is me most days.  That is me today.  I was genuinely excited sharing with my hairdresser about going to see my daughter.  But when I started the thread I had been on the prednisone for a week, sleeping in fits for 2-3 hours a night.  I was so tired, but couldn't sleep.  Last night, I slept a full 7 hours and the world looks so much better today. 🙂  

Sometimes I just message some friends of mine and say I'm feeling bad today and I just want to whine. Then no one tries to solve the "problems" you don't want solved.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Clarita said:

Sometimes I just message some friends of mine and say I'm feeling bad today and I just want to whine. Then no one tries to solve the "problems" you don't want solved.

Yeah, I would feel like a burden..  Plus, I guess I know no one who does this.  No one whines around here.

Edited August 30, 2023 by TexasProud

[Clarita]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

6 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Sometimes I just message some friends of mine and say I'm feeling bad today and I just want to whine. Then no one tries to solve the "problems" you don't want solved.

Yeah, I would feel like a burden..  Plus, I guess I know no one who does this.  No one whines around here.

Do it here but just preface it with "I just want to whine" or JAWM. 

[Alice]

8 hours ago, elegantlion said:

Whatever voice is telling you the bolded, ignore it. I'm 56 and learning lots of new things. My SO retrained for a new job at 60 and has copious intellectual hobbies post-60. You can believe that your time has passed or you can do something about it. 

 

For those of you reading and wondering if life is over by 60, forget that, I say. 

A friend started violin lessons at about age 59. 

I started taking belly dancing classes about 8 weeks ago. We've already had one public performance and have three more scheduled in the near future. I've had no dance experience IN MY LIFE before. Our goal is movement and body positivity. Most of the women involved are over 45. It's wonderful. I am an ultra beginner and still learning but perfection is not the goal. Will I ever be "fabulously good"? I don't know, but the potential exists. 

I gave up thinking I had to be great at something however. I might suck forever at belly dancing. It's okay. Life is not just one competition after another. Give yourself permission to be bad at something you enjoy doing. 

 

Yes to all of this. I did a tap dance class for a couple of years and I was by far the youngest at 50. I was a terrible tap dancer and it was the absolute most fun thing I've done in a long time. We performed in a recital which was both terrifying and amazing. I only stopped because the timing didn't work for our family but I plan on doing it again one day. And I replaced it with Pilates which I am equally bad at and is also fun. 

I have found one of the best most freeing things about getting older is to enjoy being a beginner again. I have nothing to prove and it really does not matter one iota if I'm good. 

I have a whole list of things I want to try being a beginner at when life gets less busy with kids and I retire. 

[Garga]

When you go to the therapists, are you in your “on” mode or are you in the exhausted mode you get in when you start these types of threads? 

Have you ever told a therapist the things you tell us while you’re in that down, exhausted place? Or printed out and shown them what you tell us, and then (especially) shown them your replies to what we tell you? 

I wouldn’t bother going to a therapist if I was you unless I was going to show them these threads. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t picture you sitting in a therapist’s office, looking another human in the eye, and saying the things to them that you say to us. In another thread you talked about finally trying to be real with your husband, and you couldn’t look him in the eye, and tugged at the cloth on your shirt (or something like that), sort of curling up into yourself. Have you ever spoken that honestly in front of a therapist? I just can’t picture it. I think if you’ve gone to them, you’ve been in your “on” mode and they didn’t see the real you that we see.

I also think that your shadow person haaaaaaates it that your life is constantly curtailed by your husband’s life. The only way he can do surgery is with all these trips, which means your life is completely unstable. You can’t commit to things that would help you (like a job), because you have to drop everything and support his dreams and goals at the total expense of your own. He gets to be the hero surgeon and you get to, what? Write a blog post in between sacrificing everything for his hero-job? That’s a recipe for resentment.

And not only that, but if you want to chill or take a nap, you’ve got the energizer bunny bouncing all around making you look lazy. It’s got to be maddening. 

And I get it about wanting something that you shine in that your husband doesn’t. My husband is the same way, though not at the level as your dh. My DH is better at me than just about everything and sometimes it’s just annoying. I began learning photography a number of years ago and he wanted to learn, too, and I flat out said, “NO. I want to be the one who is better at something.” 

I’m not sure there’s any way around living the life you live, but I think you have furious resentment toward it.

And most of the time, you don’t pull out that resentment and look at it, but sometimes, when you’re tired, it nags at you and you start these posts. 

 

And who cares if anyone on this planet remembers any of us or what we did while we were here? Your body dies, but you are eternal. You will not die, but will live an everlasting life, and the people who know you won’t forget you because they’ll be with you in the afterlife. Right? 

So. who cares if the humans born after you remember you? They can meet up with you in heaven and get to know you then. You’ve got 117 billion people who came before you to get to know once you leave this body. https://www.prb.org/articles/how-many-people-have-ever-lived-on-earth/#:~:text=No demographic data exist for,ever been born on Earth.

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Garga said:

When you go to the therapists, are you in your “on” mode or are you in the exhausted mode you get in when you start these types of threads? 

Have you ever told a therapist the things you tell us while you’re in that down, exhausted place? Or printed out and shown them what you tell us, and then (especially) shown them your replies to what we tell you? 

I wouldn’t bother going to a therapist if I was you unless I was going to show them these threads. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t picture you sitting in a therapist’s office, looking another human in the eye, and saying the things to them that you say to us. In another thread you talked about finally trying to be real with your husband, and you couldn’t look him in the eye, and tugged at the cloth on your shirt (or something like that), sort of curling up into yourself. Have you ever spoken that honestly in front of a therapist? I just can’t picture it. I think if you’ve gone to them, you’ve been in your “on” mode and they didn’t see the real you that we see.

 

 

 

A couple of things.  Yes, I have showed my therapist the sheet, but I am a different person when I am with her, so I don't think it makes much of a difference.  I can't make myself be in that brain space with the therapist. 

Now about my husband.  Yes, that was true.  But when the world collapsed with his bleed and my feeling suicidal, there has been a definite switch. It started when we were waiting for me to see the psychiatrist for 3 months.  Yeah, I couldn't look him in the eye, but I said tons of stuff then.  So, I would say there isn't anything on here that I haven't said to him.  My wanting to be home more is why he offered for me to stay here instead of going to Kenya with him last time.  He wants me to do whatever makes me happy.  He has told me multiple times over the last nearly decade that he wants me to flourish as much as he does.  Which is why he has put himself so behind my ministry.  For graduation from seminary he wanted us to take the RV to a place and get the logo on it.  He wants me to have my turn in the sun.  

Which in a way is even scarier. So I need to know what I really want, which I don't.  And yes, I told him that. If I knew, I would tell him. But I don't know what "career" path would make me happy. 

But yeah, it is very different than it was before I had my "break." Part of the walking we do nearly every day has been good.  We have had the closest things to fights we've had occasionally because I will talk passionately about something. ( We finish in record time, too. 🙂  So yes, he knows I am struggling with feeling community and feeling scattered.