Baby shower etiquette?

[Drama Llama]

I mentioned to my mother that DH's sisters and I are planning a little shower for DH's brother and his wife.  Mostly family, but also some old family friends of theirs.  Her friends are also throwing her a shower, but these would be people closer to him than to her, who knew him growing up.  

My mother thought this was a terrible idea, because the host of a shower should never be family.

What does the Hive say?  

 

[SquirrellyMama]

I thought it could be family, just not the mom of the mom to be.

 

I say, I don't really care who throws showers, I'm not a traditionalist.

 

Kelly

[Elizabeth86]

Host of the shower is ALWAYS family where I’m from

[bolt.]

It's really normal for the host to be a family member.

Your mom is remembering some old-fashioned etiquette, designed to prevent a sense of 'gift grabbing' -- for a more distant person to be the instigator of a shower, but that's long out of the norm. Many people don't really have people in the category of 'close enough to host something on my behalf' who aren't their family members. Nobody cares any more. (At least not anybody who is reasonable and in-touch with the ways times change.)

[Katy]

I thought it was almost always a sister. 

[knitgrl]

On dh's side, the family always hosts. It might be an aunt. I've hosted one for a sil. But sometimes it has been mil because she was local and had the energy and means to pull it off. It is a little bit of a sad topic for me. There has been a long standing tradition of playing Monte Carlo Whist at all wedding and baby showers in his family (like for generations), but the past few young women who've been the recipients of showers weren't interested in Whist.

[Drama Llama]

You are all very reassuring.

 

[Storygirl]

It is an old etiquette rule that my mom taught me (she was born in the 1930's, for reference). But I think most people don't know the old rule and don't care.

[catz]

I think ideally the moms of the couple aren’t throwing it, but I thought any other family would be totally fine.

[wisdomandtreasures]

I've never heard of such a rule. Weird! 

[Starr]

I was reading about baby showers the other day online. The article said anyone and everyone can host baby showers. 

[Carol in Cal.]

That IS formally correct, but it’s not really followed anymore.

 

[freesia]

I’ve always heard the not family rule. I’ve never actually been to a family thrown shower. It’s always been the church or friends who organized it. 

[Emba]

I’ve always heard the no-family rule as well, and actually was just talking about it yesterday with a friend at church. Around here, family throwing the shower is rare. It’s usually friends or church members.

[Spryte]

Yes, it’s one of those old etiquette things, think Miss Manners, but no one really follows it anymore. My mother and aunt were scandalized (ok, maybe not, but it did raise eyebrows) when my SIL’s family threw a shower for her. That was back in the 90s. But, seriously, it doesn’t seem like a big deal now. My mother and her twin are 82 now, and even they probably don’t blink when they hear about family-thrown showers now. 
 

Throw the shower and have a blast! Just share all the cool menus with us, because it’s so much fun reading your menus!

Edited February 14, 2023 by Spryte

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Host of the shower is ALWAYS family where I’m from

Same, and has been that way for a very long time. 

My baby shower was not only thrown by close relatives, it was held at my house, and was obviously not a surprise, lol 

[teachermom2834]

We come from simple folk and sisters were fine but better was another step removed like a cousin or an aunt. But never ever the mother. When my brother got married 27 years ago my sister in law’s mother threw her a fancy wedding shower at a fancy restaurant because no one else would throw that sort of thing and man was it the talk. 
 

But now I see moms/Grandmas doing it all the time and the guest of honor is planning it for exactly how she wants it rather than being a guest of honor and just accepting what is thrown for her. 
 

I don’t think anyone needs to follow these rules anymore. It can look like a gift grab if the guest of honor is planning it and the mom is throwing it but the guests are free to participate or not. All the cards are on the table. Lol. I actually recently got an invite to an event that felt like a very blatant gift grab and I kind of giggled but I wanted to send a gift so I did. Others I wouldn’t. 
 

But I think the event described in the OP is just fine. I actually think it is even not 100% like family throwing it because even though it is for the couple, traditionally it is focused on the woman and the in laws could throw a shower. I think it’s totally fine. If anyone is offended you can have fun without them.

 

[Drama Llama]

38 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

We come from simple folk and sisters were fine but better was another step removed like a cousin or an aunt.

 

Like you husband's brother's not-quite-ex-wife?  Is that another step?  Do I qualify?

[ktgrok]

That's really old and no one holds to that standard anymore, in my experience. It is almost always a family member that throws a baby shower - usually a sister.