Walk me through this, please (funeral related)

[Spryte]

My sweet MIL passed yesterday morning. She was the kindest, most selfless soul, and we all love her deeply.

DH and I are thinking through everything that needs to happen, and it’s a big list. This is our first experience with coordinating everything that has to happen. We are just going down the list, and things are rolling along.

For the most part, we have a general plan, but I am a little bit lost on how to plan for a reception afterward. Her family is large, and prominent in an area 90 minutes away. Her wish is for a small service now, and then when FIL passes they will have a service together (I think) and a graveside service together — in their home town. We know that will be the larger event.

I am unclear on how many people will be joining us at the local service, and how to plan a reception afterward. Also, unclear on how to communicate that there will be another service later, with FIL.

Any advice or experience would be welcome.

 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I think you could just write/communicate private services now with a public funeral at a future date.  I don’t see a need to communicate at the moment that she wanted a large joint funeral with FIL, though you could certainly spread that by word of mouth if you wanted.

By small I think you have to decide if that’s close family only, family included extended family/ close friends, or close family/close friends.  My family member that had a private funeral had a guest list in mind and those people were privately contacted by surviving close family members with the service details.

[Innisfree]

I’m so sorry. 
 

When we had to plan a small, out of town funeral, the funeral home was very helpful. The local one coordinated with one in the town where most of the people who knew the deceased lived. When we asked about arranging some food and a place to gather after the funeral, the local funeral home arranged a good, simple spread of food in a different room from the one where the funeral was held. I suppose we paid more for it than if we had done it ourselves, but they made it very easy, in a town where we no longer had a home base or familiarity with caterers and so forth.

[happi duck]

Sorry for your loss 

Have you talked with the funeral home yet?  Ime, they have experience with all the details and will help with any questions.  They should have good btdt advice in regards to numbers and best ways to communicate.

 

[Spryte]

1 minute ago, happi duck said:

Sorry for your loss 

Have you talked with the funeral home yet?  Ime, they have experience with all the details and will help with any questions.  They should have good btdt advice in regards to numbers and best ways to communicate.

 

Yes, we have, though we haven’t gotten as far as planning for the service. They want to wait until the cremation is finished to plan for that. I’m just thinking ahead a bit.

[Spy Car]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Bill

[Indigo Blue]

I’m sorry for your loss, Spryte.

[Drama Llama]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Did she live in the place where he family is?  Is the first service going to be there?

[Spryte]

3 minutes ago, BandH said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  Did she live in the place where he family is?  Is the first service going to be there?

No, she relocated to be near us. Her wish is to be cremated, have a small service here, then when FIL passes they will both be taken to their home town. There will be a larger service and a graveside service then, when they will be buried together. This is an unusual sequence in her family, who will expect a traditional viewing, service, graveside service, reception. The funeral director suggested that we add a note to the online tribute, but wasn’t clear about how to word it. Family culture is such that many relatives will come to her first service, and expect the traditional sequence of events. I’m sure that will work itself out. 

 

 

[Kassia]

I'm sorry for your loss, Spryte.  

[Katy]

I’m sorry for your loss. 

[*****]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[scholastica]

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

No, she relocated to be near us. Her wish is to be cremated, have a small service here, then when FIL passes they will both be taken to their home town. There will be a larger service and a graveside service then, when they will be buried together. This is an unusual sequence in her family, who will expect a traditional viewing, service, graveside service, reception. The funeral director suggested that we add a note to the online tribute, but wasn’t clear about how to word it. Family culture is such that many relatives will come to her first service, and expect the traditional sequence of events. I’m sure that will work itself out. 

If the family culture is that people will come, I think you need to expect a crowd even if the series of events is different, if that makes sense. So, it's fine to not have all the traditional parts and pieces, but I think that you should expect a crowd for a service and a reception. 

If you are using a funeral home locally for the local service, they could help. Or your church if there is a church involved. Many people just rent a space and do their own thing with food afterward.

I think it's important to respect the intent of wishes, but sometimes the details work out a bit differently while the intent is honored...in other words, small can mean simple to one person and fewer in number to another. I think you can control simple. If you want to control fewer in number, you might have to just not tell people until afterward. But having more people show up because they love your family and loved your mom is not exactly disrespectful, you know?

My grandmother wanted bare bones, but she was selfish (for real--had a big narcissistic streak and was controlling at times). Her wishes were respected as much as possible, but no one was okay with not telling people she died, and that was the only way to avoid some kind of gathering. She could say no viewing and no obituary, but she couldn't stop people from coming to the funeral, lol! We didn't do a viewing, etc. It was all compressed to one event (vs. with my grandfather--we did all the traditional stuff). She was Catholic, and the funeral was not optional in her mind. She just had magical thinking that people would maybe not come, I guess? Small town; huge extended family. Wasn't realistic. And we weren't going to not feed people after the funeral because...manners. And then, of course, people hung out after that too.

And adding, I am so sorry for your loss. 

Edited February 7, 2023 by kbutton

[Spryte]

27 minutes ago, kbutton said:

If the family culture is that people will come, I think you need to expect a crowd even if the series of events is different, if that makes sense. So, it's fine to not have all the traditional parts and pieces, but I think that you should expect a crowd for a service and a reception. 

If you are using a funeral home locally for the local service, they could help. Or your church if there is a church involved. Many people just rent a space and do their own thing with food afterward.

I think it's important to respect the intent of wishes, but sometimes the details work out a bit differently while the intent is honored...in other words, small can mean simple to one person and fewer in number to another. I think you can control simple. If you want to control fewer in number, you might have to just not tell people until afterward. But having more people show up because they love your family and loved your mom is not exactly disrespectful, you know?

My grandmother wanted bare bones, but she was selfish (for real--had a big narcissistic streak and was controlling at times). Her wishes were respected as much as possible, but no one was okay with not telling people she died, and that was the only way to avoid some kind of gathering. She could say no viewing and no obituary, but she couldn't stop people from coming to the funeral, lol! We didn't do a viewing, etc. It was all compressed to one event (vs. with my grandfather--we did all the traditional stuff). She was Catholic, and the funeral was not optional in her mind. She just had magical thinking that people would maybe not come, I guess? Small town; huge extended family. Wasn't realistic. And we weren't going to not feed people after the funeral because...manners. And then, of course, people hung out after that too.

And adding, I am so sorry for your loss. 

Thanks, this is sort of what I was thinking, that regardless of the sequence of events and location — a big crowd is going to show up, because she is loved by many, and we all want to celebrate her. (Truly, she was a selfless human being and her work touched many people.)

So, for those of you with big families — how does one go about planning a reception of this kind? My own FOO is tiny, but both MIL and FIL come from very large families. I have no idea how many might come, probably many. Community members are less likely, I would think. 

Does one just take a wild guess at potential numbers? 

I will find out if the church has a reception hall, and maybe they can recommend catering? DH and I have never been there. MIL and FIL joined 5 years ago when they moved here, but rarely attended in person — the priest traveled to them at the nursing home. 

 

[alisoncooks]

Is feeding people regional? I’ve always had people bring food “for the family” but have never heard of family being responsive for feeding those that show up at the funeral.  

[DawnM]

So sorry to hear.  I am in the middle of planning my dad's memorial with much the same question (I even started a thread about it.)

The hardest part is figuring out how many people may attend.

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, alisoncooks said:

Is feeding people regional? I’ve always had people bring food “for the family” but have never heard of family being responsive for feeding those that show up at the funeral.  

I've never been to one that doesn't, though usually only family or out of town folks stay for the meal.

[kbutton]

5 hours ago, Spryte said:

I will find out if the church has a reception hall, and maybe they can recommend catering? 

 

I think with my grandparents, their church took care of it. It might have been with a donation, but I am not sure. It was whatever they typically do. My parents' church brought things for the general visiting before and after with out of town family--that was a hodge-podge of crockpot meals, etc. and went straight to my parents' house piece by piece. It was lovely. 

But yes, I bet they can suggest something.

[SHP]

There is no need to rush. Could you plan something for when the weather is nicer and send out invitations requesting RSVP? It would give people a chance to make plans and arrangements? 

 

 

[Spryte]

2 hours ago, SHP said:

There is no need to rush. Could you plan something for when the weather is nicer and send out invitations requesting RSVP? It would give people a chance to make plans and arrangements? 

 

 

I think we have to do the first, simpler service asap. It’s what she wanted, plus FIL needs that sense of community, support and closure. I don’t know if their religion plays a role in the timing, as well — it might. 

I did some digging and found pictures of the church’s reception hall, and that they have a funeral committee to help plan. So feeling much more comfortable that we will have guidance on how to quickly pull this together. Whew.
 

 

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[scholastica]

On 2/7/2023 at 4:55 PM, alisoncooks said:

Is feeding people regional? I’ve always had people bring food “for the family” but have never heard of family being responsive for feeding those that show up at the funeral.  

Where we are geographically and in our faith, there’s a group of women from the parish that make a funeral lunch for the guests. The guests who are not going to the cemetery are fed in the church hall. Sometimes the family come back after the cemetery sometimes they do something more private. 

Edited February 10, 2023 by scholastica

[Halftime Hope]

On 2/7/2023 at 11:05 PM, Spryte said:

I think we have to do the first, simpler service asap. It’s what she wanted, plus FIL needs that sense of community, support and closure. I don’t know if their religion plays a role in the timing, as well — it might. 

I did some digging and found pictures of the church’s reception hall, and that they have a funeral committee to help plan. So feeling much more comfortable that we will have guidance on how to quickly pull this together. Whew.
 

 

I'm so glad to hear this. If you want to choose who will come, you can certainly put in the obituary (published on the funeral home website), "A private, family service is planned at the graveside, followed by a reception in memory of Jane Smith at St. Anne's Community Church."  Or something similar...whatever works for you all.  The church can be a tremendous help...it's what they do very well.  🙂   (Don't announce the time or location of the family gathering, but do announce the time of the reception.  You can set up tables of memorabilia, and then have someone emcee the gathering, have people write favorite memories of Jane, and the family can either mingle or have a reception line, whatever suits the occasion.