S/O on friends thread: Would you send dc back to ps just to make friends?

[Sue G in PA]

I read the thread about the 10yo w/ hardly any friends. My dd12 is in the same position as is ds9. Dd12 had a great friend who moved away due to her parents divorce. Now, this girl is in a public school and has changed so much. She is 12, very in to boys and fads and "looking cool" and whenever she talks to my dd she makes my dd think she's uncool or somehow "behind" b/c she doesn't have a boyfriend or even like boys! WHAT?!? So, my question (one we've been contemplating): Would you send your kids back to school so they could make friends? If the school district were not horrible (which ours is not) and nothing else were prohibiting you...wwyd? My kids ask to go back frequently. My dd plays w/ the younger girls down the street (oldest is only 7) but she doesn't really have any peers. THe girls at church are either much older or she just doesn't "click" w/ them. She is so painfully shy and doesn't really talk to many girls even on her basketball team! Anyway, long and rambly but wwyd?

[OnTheBrink]

Now, this girl is in a public school and has changed so much. She is 12, very in to boys and fads and "looking cool" and whenever she talks to my dd she makes my dd think she's uncool or somehow "behind" b/c she doesn't have a boyfriend or even like boys!

 

NO, and for that ^^ reason alone.

 

There are other ways to make friends--co-ops, homeschool classes (My dd has friends from her home school PE and music classes), play dates, park days, etc. The LAST place I want my DD to make friends is in the PS.

 

And, if your DD is shy, PS is not the place to make friends. It's dog-eat-dog socially and the chances of your dd just sinking are great.

[Quiver0f10]

There are other ways to make friends--co-ops, homeschool classes (My dd has friends from her home school PE and music classes), play dates, park days, etc. The LAST place I want my DD to make friends is in the PS.

 

 

:iagree: No way would I send the kids to PS in order to make friends. Look for other opportunities.

[elegantlion]

 

And, if your DD is shy, PS is not the place to make friends. It's dog-eat-dog socially and the chances of your dd just sinking are great.

 

:iagree: I was painfully shy in school and about that age school was real torture socially.

[ereks mom]

...And, if your DD is shy, PS is not the place to make friends. It's dog-eat-dog socially...

 

I agree, and this is ESPECIALLY true in middle school.

[TraceyS/FL]

I would never dump a shy 12yo girl into middle school. Never. It was bad enough moving back into the area and starting 7th with everyone i had gone to school with before (but i was gone for 18 months out of state). I had no connection with them. I'm not throwing my child to the dogs so to speak.

 

But no, public school is not the solution to that problem here at our home.

[RoughCollie]

We sent DD to parochial school for 7th grade, and to our town's middle school for 8th grade. She is thriving and has made lots of friends. So far she has not had any school-related difficulties, except that she often knows the material taught (due to being homeschooled) and she gets bored in class.

 

We homeschooled DD from 4th through 6th grades. She learned a lot, but she was not happy to be homeschooled because she wasn't around other kids. I kind of wish we had not taken her out of PS because she has always loved being in a standard school.

 

DD is an extrovert, btw.

 

Also, one of her friends has an ex-boyfriend already, and it seems to be common for kids to pair up relatively early -- some as early as 5th grade! DD thinks this is all ridiculous and she knows our rule is that she will not be allowed to date until she is 16, and even that may not be the standard boy-girl go out together alone type situation because DH and I haven't decided what to do about all that yet.

 

A lot of the girls wear makeup, and I allowed DD to wear lipstick at age 12 and eyeshadow at age 13, so that has not been a problem for us. It helps that DD doesn't want to wear more makeup than this -- her complexion is such that she doesn't need it at all.

 

The clothes styles have been something new for me to adjust to -- but I think that DD would have been interested in teen fashions whether or not she went to a regular school. She may not have been as brand loyal (Hollister, Aeropostale), but she would not have wanted to continue wearing Hannas and clothes from Lands End. DD is covered from shoulders to toes when she goes to school wearing the latest styles that are "in" at her school, both because of the weather and because she is wearing clothing she selected and wants to wear.

 

DD's friends think that we are very strict parents, mostly because we keep track of DD and make her follow our rules. Some of her friends pretty much do whatever they like after school (while their parents are at work) and on weekends. From what I've witnessed, the kids typically call their mothers and *tell* them what they (the kids) are going to do, and then they (the kids) go do it. DD has to ask, tell me the full details of her plans, and receive permission. We live in a small town and the kids walk everywhere. I will let DD walk somewhere with her friends, but if the weather is bad (too cold, raining), I drive the whole crew so DD won't have to walk. Also, unlike other parents, I do not let DD walk around town when it is dark (it gets dark here around 4 p.m. in winter).

 

Another odd thing, IMO, is that the public-schooled kids talk freely about their bad grades (D's and F's), but if someone makes an A, that is not to be mentioned or celebrated -- it is considered to be bragging. So DD knows who all the kids are who are doing poorly and she tries not to get excited in public about her A's.

 

Bullying and drug and alcohol usage are a problem at our middle and high schools. DD has no direct knowledge of any of it, but the school system has made the parents aware of it. DD makes no secret of her brown belt in karate, and she has been instructed by DH and I about when it is appropriate to use self-defense.

 

I do homeschool two of my boys. They would never in a million years make it in middle school or high school. One tried it in 8th grade, and he was miserable. Both of them are introverts who need friends, but going to school is not worth the trade-off for them.

 

RC

Edited December 17, 2008 by RoughCollie

[Highereducation]

My answer would have to be no.

 

I don't want my dd exposed to the social climbing, bullying and misinformation generated by ps. I'm trying to let her be a child for as long as possible. That doesn't mean I shelter her or shield her from life's realities. It just means that I do everything I can to avoid subjecting her to the all-too-common mindset that children are mini-adults. The kids I see coming out of ps around here (and it's a very good school system) look about 5 years older than they actually are. She's only going to get one childhood, and I don't want to lose a minute of it.

[AnnetteB]

Nope. In a weak moment we enrolled dd in 4th grade in 1991 so that she could be with other girls. We had just moved a thousand miles away from all her cousins and neighborhood friends. During her 8 mos. at ps she befriended one outcast girl and it wasn't a lasting friendship (they really had nothing in common, dd just wasn't going to ignore her like the other mean, clickish girls were). That chapter in her schooling only made our committment to home education stronger, but academically the year was wasted hours. Dd was/is a smart cookie and recognized that things were better in a more natural home environment...What is natural about 32 peers sassing an adult behind her back all day, every day? This was a tough group in a small Oregon town, who would have thought it? She is 26 now, happily married to her best friend, close friends with her siblings, a few ex-coworkers, a few home educated girlfriends that she has maintained contact with from brief contacts years ago, and new friends made living the military life in Europe. How many of our elementary, junior and senior high school friends do we still hang out with? I have two childhood friends that I still maintain contact with. One met at school in second grade, the other was a next-door-neighbor for 10 years. Sorry, that was a long explanation for "nope."

[happyWImom]

NO, and for that ^^ reason alone.

 

There are other ways to make friends--co-ops, homeschool classes (My dd has friends from her home school PE and music classes), play dates, park days, etc. The LAST place I want my DD to make friends is in the PS.

 

And, if your DD is shy, PS is not the place to make friends. It's dog-eat-dog socially and the chances of your dd just sinking are great.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Think back to your reasons for homeschooling in the first place. Do you still believe them? Then don't consider ps just for the friend aspect. I get where you're coming from-we live out in the country, so the kids don't have neighbors to play with, but we belong to a hs group, are in 4h, do stuff at the ymca, etc... DD doesn't have a "best friend", and that's okay with her right now. I'm sure it's different for your dd though, since she's older and already had one. Find a hs group that has different ages; that's your best bet.

Good luck.

[Plucky]

No, I have a couple introverts and I just make sure to get them out there and involved in things. Scouting for both my introverts have opened them up to a world of friends, although my oldest's best friend isn't in it anymore. I do think having a friend or friends and the chance to practice those skills is important.

[Tammyla]

I wouldn't just for that one reason, but I would consider helping her find more opportunities if she wishes.

[Laura K (NC)]

The best thing about my kids' friends now is that I can monitor them and I know their parents. If my kids were in public school I wouldn't be able to guide them. And this guiding goes both ways. Sometimes, as my boys get into their teenage years, they need extra help with treating girls with respect, and I can be there to advise them before they start dating. I was just talking to another mom (a parent of of my oldest's friend) about monitoring my son's language, friends, etc. It's nice to know that I share similar parenting concerns with the parents of my sons' friends. I'm letting them go a little each year instead of dropping them into a chasm, as I believe I would be doing in a public school.

 

And besides... I think kids make the best friends when they have a strong enough personality and interests to have something to offer others, without getting sucked into others' strong personalities and being a follower. Keeping kids home is an excellent way to have kids find out who they are before they go out and suffer their peers to define who they are. Shyness isn't a bad thing. Plenty of introverts I know have something to say when it's important to say it. Far better to be shy and secure in oneself, then to be shy and overwhelmed by the crowds.

[Kris]

Not just "no" but absolutely NOT! There was too much bullying, posturing and other BS going on there.

 

He spent an hour on the bus going to school -- and had problems with the older kids on the bus harassing him until he punched one in the nose and that put an end to that. Once they got to school, they had to sit in the gym silently until classes started. Between classes they had five minutes -- which he used to horse around in the halls to "play" with his friends, since they weren't getting recess anymore, and was late for class and had his backpack taken and thrown in a ditch. During lunch they were required to sit in the cafeteria and eat -- no conversation allowed because they were too "loud." After school, it was another hour long trip home on the bus.

 

If this is the kind of "socialization" he's missing out on, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

 

He's made friends at Taekwondo class that I "approve" of.

[Joanne]

I read the thread about the 10yo w/ hardly any friends. My dd12 is in the same position as is ds9. Dd12 had a great friend who moved away due to her parents divorce. Now, this girl is in a public school and has changed so much. She is 12, very in to boys and fads and "looking cool" and whenever she talks to my dd she makes my dd think she's uncool or somehow "behind" b/c she doesn't have a boyfriend or even like boys! WHAT?!? So, my question (one we've been contemplating): Would you send your kids back to school so they could make friends? If the school district were not horrible (which ours is not) and nothing else were prohibiting you...wwyd? My kids ask to go back frequently. My dd plays w/ the younger girls down the street (oldest is only 7) but she doesn't really have any peers. THe girls at church are either much older or she just doesn't "click" w/ them. She is so painfully shy and doesn't really talk to many girls even on her basketball team! Anyway, long and rambly but wwyd?

 

Do you see the irony in the bolded juxtapositions?

 

I *work* in a public school. I'm there 6 hours a day. I would not send my kids there for social issues.

 

Immersing a "painfully shy" girl with *more* people won't help her. She's around plenty of people on the bb team and is still reserved. More kids won't change her!

[Erica in PA]

No, but not because I don't think having good friends outside the family is important to homeschooled dc-- I do believe that, strongly, but I just don't think that a public middle school is the best place to find those friends. What you described in your dd's friend is very much the norm among girls that age, ime, and I think it's the very rare 12-14 year old girl who wouldn't feel pressure to conform to that norm.

 

I would find other activities that my dd could get involved with where she can make friends that accept her for who she is.

[WTMindy]

No, personally I would not send them to public school to make friends.

[klmama]

If she doesn't talk to the girls on her basketball team, being in class with them all day isn't going to be any easier for her. I would try to help her social anxiety issues with therapy, dietary supplements, etc., but I wouldn't throw her to the wolves (otherwise known as middle school girls). I shudder to think how she would react to that kind of stress all day, every day. Instead, I would seek out good friendships for yourself, and help her to befriend the children of those women.

 

A friend whose dd is 13 is in a similar situation, and they've decided homeschooling gives her better options for now. She may not have close friends, but the children she interacts with accept her as she is and don't try to make her "grow up" in the way your dd's former friend does. She is a truly delightful girl, and every year she gets a little less stressed out by other people, smiling more and speaking occasionally. If she were in public, or even private school, the pressure to be like everyone else would be intense and very stressful for her. Homeschooling allows her to be who she is and to grow into the person she can become. Her parents help her practice social skills as part of her curriculum.

 

I'll pray for your dd, and for you as you try to help her.

[Tree House Academy]

No. I don't even have to read the other responses. The kind of "friends" kids make in ps are not always the kind of "friends" I approve of. I would much rather my kids meet other homeschooled kids or kids whose parents have the same values and such as I...not kids who live in homes where the father is routinely carted off to jail for spouse abuse and the kids come to school and tell my sons about it (happened with my oldest). :(

 

Then, you put your "behind the times" (according to peers) daughter in middle school and what is going to happen? It will be brutal. I can almost guarantee it. In middle school, fitting in is what it is all about and when you don't fit in, it can be so tough. It could change your daughter from feeling a bit "behind" to feeling like she is worthless. Not something I would risk at.all.

Edited December 17, 2008 by Tree House Academy

[LisaKinVA]

Without reading everyone else's replies... Nope, no-way, no-how.

 

My children get enough interaction with the PS kids from the neighborhood to drive me completely nuts (and there are only about 3 children in the neighborhood they play with).

 

My dd is a Daisy Girl Scout, and that has been "good enough" for her thus far. My older son is also in cub scouts, which has been pretty good too.

 

Now, if the local schools could meet my children's educational needs, I would consider it. But, at this point, that isn't going to happen -- and I don't want to deal with the phone calls and teacher conferences due to bored children who are disruptive, because they either already know, or have already completed the work and just want to spend time with their friends.

[G5052]

When I look back, most of the friends I had at that age drifted away in time and I had other friends in high school that were more compatible. Middle school is not going to be a good place for someone shy anyway.

[Janet in Toronto]

I homeschooled my younger son for 4th and 5th grades and sent him to private Catholic school in Grade 6. He was not able to make new friends while we were homeschooling, although he continued to see his very nice public school friends from earlier grades occasionally. He really needed a pack to hang with, the new school was Core Knowledge, had excellent teachers, and uniforms. He met a great group of boys and had a wonderful year. He spent Grades 7 and 8 (this year) in a private Catholic school here in Toronto. All has been well, although I'm less crazy about the curriculum.

 

My older son was never homeschooled. We moved to GA as he entered (public) middle school. He, too, met a great group of boys (and some girls) and had a wonderful middle school experience. He had previously only been in a Montessori school (to Grade 5) so this was his entry to public school. I really liked his friends, they hung out at our place on Friday nights, and I was impressed by the school staff.

 

I'm not saying that your daughter will have a marvellous experience if you send her to school. I'm just providing another point of view from someone who was happy with her children's educational experience outside the home.

[The Girls' Mom]

Nope. That's one of the very reasons we PULLED my 12yo DD from PS this year. All that socializing was going the wrong way fast.

[Night Elf]

Yes, we did that. No, it didn't work.

 

Allison was in public school 5th grade this year from early September through late November. She was miserable at home before she started school. She has zero friends despite the activities we've tried and homeschoolers we've met over the years. Though she found some girls to hang out with at school, they didn't have any interest doing anything outside of school. There are a few girls in our neighborhood (which is only one street of houses) but she didn't seem to get on well with them. She tried and tried but they weren't interested. In school, she got more grief with mean girls than positive interactions with nice girls.

 

So as of December 1st she is back home full time again. She was miserable out of school and in school, but at least she doesn't have to wake up at 6:30am anymore and doesn't have to do stupid busy work assignments. (<-- her words, though I agree.)

 

Starting in January, she'll be enrolled in 4 outside classes, all music and drama related. That will give her something to do 3 days per week in addition to going to work with me at a childcare center. She loves helping with the toddlers!

[Perry]

If it was a good school, and there were no other opportunities for friendships, I would consider it. I wouldn't be thrilled with it, but I'd consider it.

 

I'm not in the camp that believes middle schools are necessarily horrible evil places. My girls dual enroll, enjoy going to school, and have many ps friends who are good kids. We haven't had any issues at all, and I wouldn't be averse to sending them full time.

[PariSarah]

Just against OUR local schools. :D

 

And giving ds the chance to have friends would be one of the things I would take into account when we perform our annual "To HS or not to HS?" evaluation. If I could find a decent school situation that would allow ds to make good friends, that might be worth pursuing, especially if homeschooling were isolating him unnecessarily.

 

I wouldn't send dc into an awful school, though, just to give him the chance to make friends. I would pursue other options. When we were in France, the chance for friends was one of the things that led us to send ds to preschool. But it was a preschool I was otherwise comfortable with. No way would I send ds to our current local schools to make friends. I'd saddle myself with loads of inconvenience (sports clubs, driving kids back to my house, whatever) before I did that.

[skylark]

I wouldn't because your child could not be as selective as to who his/her friends would be.

[homeschoolmom]

Gosh, no!

 

When DD was young we carefully supervised playdates. We also carefully selected her preschool as we weren't looking for daycare but rather a loving environment with the opportunity for social interaction and education that matched our philosophies.

 

We tried PS. Gave it a shot for two years. After several awful incidents with other students and ineffectual teachers, I wondered daily why, now that she was 6 and 7, why it was no longer impt. to carefully supervise her playdates or educational environment as it must not be if I was shipping her off to a school that every day I came to loathe more and more. And yes, I volunteered, sent money, sent supplies, etc., etc. so it was not for lack of trying to be the solution not the problem.

 

When DH finally gave me the OK, we pulled her out, began HSing and every day (even the bad days) I'm thankful I don't have to deal with that school and the other students. Truly I am horrified by a large percentage of children's behavior and their parent's inability or lack of desire to modify said behavior. So, no, I don't miss DD's exposure to that Lord of the Flies atmosphere.

 

We're quite happy with interaction via activities at the Y - which we are better able to oversee.

 

Just my two cents.

[Tracey in TX]

Yes! We will have our children return to PS eventually and social reasons are one of the reasons. I feel it's important to learn to acclimate to new social situations and blend with a variety of people. However middle school might not be the optimum age to begin this with an already shy child. (My kids are NOT shy, yet I'm hoping to homeschool through 8th grade in order to avoid the "mean girl" pitfalls.)

[Nakia]

Short answer: NO!

[Peek a Boo]

no way. for all the reasons already mentioned. and the few 'yes' -es aren't powerful enough for me to agree w/ them.

[Kim in TN]

No way, though I did think about it when dd was younger.

 

For whatever reason, 13 seems to be the magic age for my children to find friends. My 16dd was 13 when she found her friends. Ds is 13 and within the last couple of months has had his first sleepovers and now has a couple of close guys he can hang out with.

 

Praying she finds a good friend! I know it's hard. :(

[PineFarmMom]

No, I wouldn't. You gave enough reasons to NOT send her in your post. If my children didn't have friends, I'd take the opportunity to see what the Lord wanted of that time (assuming you pray) and I'd ask Him to help me make it an opportunity.

 

I've seen families that have such a good time together that friends are the side dish and not the main course. I'd do everything to foster that in my home and mentor my child/be my child's friend, creating fun opportunities. If your child is painfully shy at 12, you may not know what she'll be at 13 or 14. My dd, at the end of 6th grade (just turning 12) was such a different, less confident, timid person than she is now at 13. I feel so good about her strength and ability to be a friend, choose friends wisely, make decisions about when someone isn't best for her anymore, and also even do well at times when there aren't friends available. It has happened within the last year to year and a half. Give it time and be there to fill in the gaps. :)