Social Anxiety

[Ditto]

How do you guys deal with this?    I am such an awkward mess.   This morning at church someone complimented me on how well I did as Worship Assistant and that they wished I would do it every week.   I should have just said "thank you" and moved on.  Nope, my anxiety took over and I started babbling like it was my first day as a human!  Hours later and I am still mortified at all I said and my general weirdness, I am sure she wishes she had never complimented me.  I know Brene Brown says to "Stay Awkward.  Stay Brave.  Stay Kind."  But ugh, I could do with a little less of the awkward!   Tomorrow I am having lunch with a new friend and am already so anxious and worried that I will mess up and both make a fool of myself and turn her off from ever wanting to hang out with me again.    

[Indigo Blue]

Ditto, Ditto. 

Oh, goodness. Same. Introvert. Probably HSP. You know…..we’ve talked about all this. 
 

I blabber here just fine. IRL friendly people approach and when I feel like it’s my turn to say something, I have this “freezing” feeling of just being stuck thinking of something to say. Then the negative inner critic starts up telling me I’m not being interesting to talk to and they will just avoid me next time. That negative inner critic that I have that has always told me “something” is wrong with me, and that’s why I’m different. 

I do much better if Dh is with me because he has the personality where I can never get a word in edgewise, which works out good in those situations. 
 

No help, really. Sorry. I’ve just accepted it at this point in life and just try not to stress over it anymore. To borrow from the “trite sayings that bother you” thread, “it is what it is!” Lol.😅

I do hope you enjoy your lunch tomorrow. Have some green tea before you go. It contains caffeine and theanine. Theanine is calming,  and caffeine gives good mental energy and focus for conversation. It’s like magic for me, but I can’t tolerate caffeine. Decaf…yuck.

[Indigo Blue]

And I like Ross Creations ….he says “always give up” and “unfollow your dreams”.

 

(Just kidding!!! Those t shirts are just meant to be funny)!

[MercyA]

I'm really awkward too. I talk too much or say weird random things or don't express myself clearly and a lot of it is social anxiety. But you know what? People seem to like me anyway, and I'm sure they like you too. 

Please don't worry. Just be kind and cheerful and it won't matter if you are a little awkward, truly! Have some conversation topics in mind ahead of time.

I will pray for you right now. Hugs.

[Terabith]

I so hear this.  I love the internet, because I feel like I can really be "me" online, but in real life, I am so awkward and overthink and it's just embarrassing or I say too much or not enough.  

[MEmama]

Yup.

Only very recently did I realize what I experience is social anxiety, and that not everyone reacts to situations the way I do. I create conversation starters and very often entire conversations in my head before interacting with people IRL; it’s especially exhausting when I have to see my parents and must anticipate every negative thing they are going to say to me plus my every response. I don’t like to go out with people in the evening because it takes me hours to unwind, and I’ll stay up half the night replaying conversations and feeling mortified at what I said or didn’t say or how I said it and that I should have been less awkward and…ugh.

Growing up I was labeled “shy” and tortured endlessly for my deficiency. No one ever looked into why it was so hard for me, so the label stuck and with it a host of further inadequacies.
 

Offering you commiseration, and a hope that lunch goes well for you tomorrow. I try to console myself that most of my awkwardness isn’t usually recognized by other people because they are wrapped up in their worries about themselves, and that we are our own worst critics.

[Indigo Blue]

15 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I so hear this.  I love the internet, because I feel like I can really be "me" online, but in real life, I am so awkward and overthink and it's just embarrassing or I say too much or not enough.  

I’m surprised to hear you say this, Terabith, because I picture you mentally (based on your “personality” here) as outgoing, funny, smart, and science-y. Maybe this is why we congregate here. Lol. So we can be ourselves with no pressure? 

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’m surprised to hear you say this, Terabith, because I picture you mentally (based on your “personality” here) as outgoing, funny, smart, and science-y. Maybe this is why we congregate here. Lol. So we can be ourselves with no pressure? 

Thanks.  And I am like that once I get to know people, but it takes a long time.  I'm an introvert, but I am fairly outgoing by nature, but the social anxiety kind of is constantly at war with base personality.  

Part of my issue is that I just know I don't interact with people the way I'm supposed to interact, or at least that's what my mother has spent my life telling me.  I don't dress correctly or talk about the right things or in the right ways, no matter how hard I try.  Both my kids kiss the autism spectrum, and I suspect I'm not completely neurotypical, but I am close enough to it that I don't get a social pass of any sort.  

The hive is very freeing.  And for all that people like to complain about it, social media is, too.  

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

but the social anxiety kind of is constantly at war with base personality.  

That’s a good way to put it.

[Ditto]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

I don’t like to go out with people in the evening because it takes me hours to unwind, and I’ll stay up half the night replaying conversations and feeling mortified at what I said or didn’t say or how I said it and that I should have been less awkward and…ugh.

Me too!!!!!    Gosh, I really did think it was just me.  Thank you.

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Introvert. Probably HSP. You know…..we’ve talked about all this. 

Yep!  However, I didn't realize that this was possible (or probably) related to me being both introverted and HSP.  Interesting.  Thank you.

[Ditto]

You guys are seriously the best.  Thank you very much!  I appreciate all of your thoughts and commiseration so so much.   I feel heard and much less alone.   

Edited September 18, 2022 by Ditto

[Tanaqui]

I know I tend to say the same thing over and over again, but Ditto, do you think you have the level of social anxiety that might benefit from therapy and/or medication? Because it looks like it's making you miserable.

[MEmama]

24 minutes ago, Ditto said:

You guys are seriously the best.  Thank you very much!  I appreciate all of your thoughts and commiseration so so much.   I feel heard and much less alone.   

❤️

This space is amazing.

[MEmama]

What is HSP?

[Pawz4me]

7 minutes ago, MEmama said:

What is HSP?

Highly sensitive person

[bookbard]

I feel like social anxiety kicks in when you feel the other person is 'better' than you. The older I get, the less I feel like anyone is so much better than me. Which is not to say I'm fantastic, but more that everyone is human. That rich beautiful person who waltzes in and compliments you on your $2 shoes? In the past I would've had all the emotions. Now I don't feel anything at all, maybe pride at my bargain or slight mockery to the other person (esp if they were trying to mock me). So, my advice is to realise how awesome you are, and how ordinary everyone else is 😉

Edited September 18, 2022 by bookbard

[Scarlett]

Sometimes I wonder how we would all get along IRL after years here of being free to be ourselves.

 

I remember being in my 20s and absolutely terrified of social times on work trips. I have since learned how to act in unfamiliar settings……but I always feel awkward around new people.

[SKL]

It used to be paralyzing when I was younger.  I've learned to push it down in order to just get things done.  Basically I force a big part of myself to be numb when I have to.

The funny thing is, I like people.  I love getting to know everyone's different personalities, and I like it when extroverts make an effort to bring me out in a way that's comfortable for me.  And yet I find social gatherings terrifying.  And I too say awkward things and worry about them for a long time afterwards.

[GailV]

Even on here I type delete type delete type delete (which drives dh crazy because he says it sounds like I'm writing a novel and all I've managed to produce is maybe a sentence)

then MAYBE eventually hit "Submit Reply"

and then consider logging off right away and maybe avoiding the website for a while.

 

[Scarlett]

27 minutes ago, GailV said:

Even on here I type delete type delete type delete (which drives dh crazy because he says it sounds like I'm writing a novel and all I've managed to produce is maybe a sentence)

then MAYBE eventually hit "Submit Reply"

and then consider logging off right away and maybe avoiding the website for a while.

 

I have the opposite problem.  I type hit submit and then when I log back on later I begin to rethink what I wrote. 

[Rosie_0801]

*shrug* No one is going to die from my social awkwardness.

It's like dating, you can't be too attached to the outcome of any specific individual.

Not that I date. How exhausting would that be? Ugh.

[Ditto]

2 hours ago, bookbard said:

So, my advice is to realise how awesome you are

This is, I believe, at the root of why (in addition to the introversion and HSP) it is much worse right now.   In the last couple of years my self-esteem, which wasn't great to begin with, has really taken a beating due to several things/person.   While I don't actually think these people are better than me, I just don't feel worthy.  It is something I am working on but definitely takes time and is easier said than done.  However, until your post, I didn't connect that to social anxiety.   Thank you.

[Ditto]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

I know I tend to say the same thing over and over again, but Ditto, do you think you have the level of social anxiety that might benefit from therapy and/or medication? Because it looks like it's making you miserable.

I am not sure.  Your suggestion is a good one and worth considering though.

[Ditto]

9 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

*shrug* No one is going to die from my social awkwardness.

It's like dating, you can't be too attached to the outcome of any specific individual.

Not that I date. How exhausting would that be? Ugh.

Thank you.  I love the simple truth and wisdom.   

Nope, if I am ever in the fortunate position to divorce the thing I am married to now, no way in hell will I ever date.  

[Ditto]

32 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I have the opposite problem.  I type hit submit and then when I log back on later I begin to rethink what I wrote. 

Yep, I do that too!

[Clarita]

7 hours ago, Ditto said:

Nope, my anxiety took over and I started babbling like it was my first day as a human!  Hours later and I am still mortified at all I said and my general weirdness, I am sure she wishes she had never complimented me. 

Just so you know your friend doesn't wish she never complimented you. Chances are she feels like she doesn't compliment you enough.

[gardenmom5]

My anxiety is linked to adrenal function, so I am focusing more on supporting them and I do calm down.  (getting my thyroid properly medicated helps too.)

I also found yoga reduces my anxiety as well.

[Xahm]

If it helps you feel better about coming across as strange, here's my story.

Due, probably, to having studied foreign language intensely in the past and living abroad for a time, one way I calm my nerves before meeting new people is thinking through what they are likely to ask and making sure I can answer those questions in a variety of languages. This makes me feel much more relaxed but means that when I then do introduce myself in English, I have a weird accent that sounds vaguely European. People then ask me where I'm from and I have to try to explain this oddity without making myself sound nuts or dominating the conversation with a really strange tangent. I have no idea what people think if they meet me on one of those days. Thankfully at this point I can mostly laugh it off, but if I let myself get nervous about it, the cycle intensifies.

[Indigo Blue]

How was the lunch date today, @Ditto? Hope it went well.

[Ditto]

7 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

How was the lunch date today, @Ditto? Hope it went well.

Thank you very much asking, I appreciate it.  We had fun (gosh, I really hope she did, I think so).    I am trying super hard to not replay everything and agonize over it.  Easier said than done, but I am trying.