Tell me what has changed with weddings in the past 20 years.

[Ann.without.an.e]

On 5/24/2022 at 7:38 PM, Clarita said:

Speak in dollars first, then address where they'd like the funds to go to or what they would like the event look like (fanciness level). Venue is a broad term and some venues will provide food and everything others is just a piece of grass. 

I had a backyard wedding. I think backyard weddings are the hardest to plan. So much logistics. Anyone mentions backyard wedding to me and I go have you thought of a venue. Many venues can look like a backyard wedding without being an actual backyard wedding. Just so you know if you start paying for all the things that go into a backyard wedding it's pretty similar or more expensive than a venue wedding. I hope they compensated you handsomely for all your work.

 

I didn’t see this until after I responded to someone else so sorry if it’s repetitive.  One daughter got married at a venue and another didn’t want “all of that” she just wanted “a simple backyard wedding” and everything you say here is 100% the truth. She gets married in June and the amount of money has to be more than a venue in the long run. The logistics is awful, even if just 50 or so people. If y’all don’t hear from me in June, I’ll be sleeping for the rest of the month and not dead 😅

Edited May 26, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Annie G]

6 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Also, two days after I paid the final amount on tents and photographer etc dd said “I wish we would’ve just eloped” I could’ve cried. All the time and money and she wants to elope 😳

I feel ya! Youngest Dd actually did that last year…the month before the wedding planned for our back yard (complete with new sod and an arch built because she asked for it) Dd and sil decided to elope and not have a reception.  I actually did cry.  But she’s married and happy.

[Ann.without.an.e]

48 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I feel ya! Youngest Dd actually did that last year…the month before the wedding planned for our back yard (complete with new sod and an arch built because she asked for it) Dd and sil decided to elope and not have a reception.  I actually did cry.  But she’s married and happy.

 

wow, it would be so hard not to cry after that. DH and I just kept saying well, at least we’ll have a really nice yard if they run off and get married 😂

Edited May 26, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Annie G]

10 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

wow, it would be so hard not to cry after that 🫣 DH and I just kept saying well, at least we’ll have a really nice yard if they run off and get married 😂

We do have a really nice back yard and have disassembled the arbor we built to make a few trellises and have incorporated them into the yard, with a lovely clematis on one and a swamp jessamine on another. Making lemons out of lemonade!

[Ann.without.an.e]

@WildflowerMom  I think it is great that you are asking this question by the way. We recently went to a wedding where the mom had a strong hand in all of the ideas and what she wanted and planned it to a 't'. She's about 10 years old than me, so in her 50's. She did not ask this question or look at what people do today at all. Everything about the wedding was so 80's? 90's? Don't get me wrong, it was nice, but super formal, very stiff, and everything from the formal, shiny invitation style to the decor was so very from her own wedding time period. I've been to several weddings in the last few years and this was the first one where I felt like I stepped back in time lol. It is ok if that is what they want and in the end the happy couple is still just as married 🙂 But she talked to me a lot when she was planning since dd had just gotten married and she just couldn't understand "why people are doing things different now?" and seemed to oppose any idea outside of what she knew from her own wedding. So an 80's-90's wedding was the end result.

Edited May 26, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[shawthorne44]

I think couples can ask for a backyard wedding thinking it will be simple.  But the problem is, it is YOUR space and you need to make it look nice.  In a venue, if some aspect is ugly you don't worry about people judging you.  But, your space, for a wedding, you want everything to be perfect.  

[smfmommy]

My daughter is getting married in July.  She has done most of the planning and MIL and I are assisting.  She is doing silk flowers and is creating her own decorations, but keeping it very simple.  After looking into what was needed for an outdoor wedding, we found a venue was much simpler and cost effective.  She has a caterer and will be doing a waffle bar, brunch type sides, and cookies for dessert.  It's a morning wedding (because, July, in a desert).  We did do invitations and all RSVPs are through a web site.  She will also have a photographer and a coordinator for the day.  They sat down and decided what was super important to them and made sure to incorporate that.  Everything else was simplified or skipped.  We will have a rehearsal dinner, but it's just for those who are in the actual wedding. 

As for budget, she had received a lump sum when my mother passed with the expectation that part of it would be used for the wedding.  I paid for the invitations, the dresses for two younger sisters, and appropriate clothes for the rest of the family.  I would have spent even less than they are, but they are getting exactly what they want and are not going into debt so am keeping my mouth shut.

[wintermom]

17 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Enthusiasm, not so much.  At least not on one side, unfortunately.  I’m trying to keep the peace right now.  I’m not sure how that will play out.   My wish would be that future dil and her family’s relationship would mend and they would be happy about everything and they could plan the wedding like mom and daughter are supposed to.   We’ll see what they say when she asks what ‘paying for the venue’ means.  🙇🏻‍♀️  I want them to have/do whatever they want within budget.  We’ll make it happen somehow.    I’ll be coming here for lots of help! 😆

I thought that the couple themselves were the ones to plan and make decisions on what they wanted, and perhaps asked the parents if they were interested in contributing any money? My wedding took place across the country from my parents, so they weren't able to do a thing as far as planning. This was just the reality of the situation.

I might very gently suggest that instead of having expectations of what you think is supposed to happen, you deal cheerfully (at least on the surface) with how they actually are. Relationships between your future dil and her parents may never change, and there may be very good reasons for it. 

I'm sure you are doing your very best, and I'm not trying to imply that you aren't. Not all daughters get along well with their moms (or dads). I was actually very happy to not have the pressure of planning a wedding with my mom and having to try and meet her expectations.  

Edited May 26, 2022 by wintermom

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Huh? I thought that the couple themselves were the ones to plan and make decisions on what they wanted, and perhaps asked the parents if they were interested in contributing any money? My wedding took place across the country from my parents, so they weren't able to do a thing as far as planning. This was just the reality of the situation.

I might very gently suggest that instead of having expectations of what you think is supposed to happen, you deal cheerfully (at least on the surface) with how they actually are. Relationships between your future dil and her parents may never change, and there may be very good reasons for it. 

I'm sure you are doing your very best, and I'm not trying to imply that you aren't. Not all daughters get along well with their moms (or dads). I was actually very happy to not have the pressure of planning a wedding with my mom and having to try and meet her expectations.  

I did not read @WildflowerMom’s post that way at all.  I understood that she felt like she was taking on MOB role and it made her sad that her future DIL is not currently in a good place with her parents. 

Of course the Groom should be as involved as he wants but it is not realistic that Brides don’t also ask for female opinions and assistance.

[wintermom]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I did not read @WildflowerMom’s post that way at all.  I understood that she felt like she was taking on MOB role and it made her sad that her future DIL is not currently in a good place with her parents. 

Of course the Groom should be as involved as he wants but it is not realistic that Brides don’t also ask for female opinions and assistance.

Exactly. The expectation is a certain way, and the reality does not fit the expectation. One can be sad about it, and then embrace the reality with grace and kindness. That is all. 

Female support often comes from female friends and/or siblings who often have just planned their own wedding or have attended them recently. I've never seen a rule book for 'Mother of the Bride responsibilities for daughter's wedding.' Perhaps there's an assumed one or an imagined one, but nothing is written in stone, IME.

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Exactly. The expectation is a certain way, and the reality does not fit the expectation. One can be sad about it, and then embrace the reality with grace and kindness. That is all. 

Female support often comes from female friends and/or siblings who often have just planned their own wedding or have attended them recently. I've never seen a rule book for 'Mother of the Bride responsibilities for daughter's wedding.' Perhaps there's an assumed one or an imagined one, but nothing is written in stone, IME.

Well of course.   Nothing is written in stone as this thread is confirming.  

[wintermom]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well of course.   Nothing is written in stone as this thread is confirming.  

And so you're confronting my post because.....why? You're the one who mentioned a MOB role. If there isn't one, why did you assume that's what she was doing and it was understandable? I'm seriously confused. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, wintermom said:

And so you're confronting my post because.....why? You're the one who mentioned a MOB role. If there isn't one, why did you assume that's what she was doing and it was understandable? I'm seriously confused. 

I confronted your post because I felt like you were unfairly criticizing one sentence in her posts when she has clearly asked for ideas because the bride and groom asked for her help.  And clearly is not trying to run their wedding.  
 

And it is sad when parents and children are estranged.  Not being involved in your daughter’s wedding plans is sad.  But not the end of the world and life goes on.

That’s all. I apologize for sticking my nose into your comments.  

[wintermom]

34 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I confronted your post because I felt like you were unfairly criticizing one sentence in her posts when she has clearly asked for ideas because the bride and groom asked for her help.  And clearly is not trying to run their wedding.  
 

And it is sad when parents and children are estranged.  Not being involved in your daughter’s wedding plans is sad.  But not the end of the world and life goes on.

That’s all. I apologize for sticking my nose into your comments.  

I guess I just wondered how a future dil might feel about the sentence if she read it or heard it from mil's lips. It was a trigger for me. I kept expecting my mil to say something like that to me when dh and I were planning our wedding without my mom being involved. I'm very, very glad that she never did, as family dynamics are so fragile and expectations can feel so overwhelming when a young person is entering a new family through marriage. 

[catz]

14 hours ago, Annie G said:

I want a happy medium. Lately we’ve been getting invites with a vague ‘wear what makes you feel your best’ and we’ve missed the mark all three times. We don’t know what the couple is planning! Just tell me how fancy it is before we’re the dorks who show up only to find dh is the ONLY one in a suit. And the next time he was literally the ONLY guy over 12 NOT in a suit.  I don’t wear dresses ever, so I’m used to sticking out at fancy events. But if you’re planning a casual wedding, just tell me. 

I think it can be hard to know if you have a a geographically and socioeconomically diverse guest list.  We had people show up in suits and evening dresses and a farmer show up in overalls to an urban evening event and everything in between.  But like I feel like almost impossible to set a dress code for a group like that and you don't know what it's going to look like until people show up.  And we just were happy for people to come with whatever was in their closet.  Some people really do just want you as you are and as you feel comfortable and don't want you to feel like you have to go out and spend money to attend their event.    

[WildflowerMom]

2 hours ago, wintermom said:

I thought that the couple themselves were the ones to plan and make decisions on what they wanted, and perhaps asked the parents if they were interested in contributing any money? My wedding took place across the country from my parents, so they weren't able to do a thing as far as planning. This was just the reality of the situation.

I might very gently suggest that instead of having expectations of what you think is supposed to happen, you deal cheerfully (at least on the surface) with how they actually are. Relationships between your future dil and her parents may never change, and there may be very good reasons for it. 

I'm sure you are doing your very best, and I'm not trying to imply that you aren't. Not all daughters get along well with their moms (or dads). I was actually very happy to not have the pressure of planning a wedding with my mom and having to try and meet her expectations.  

There are good reasons the relationship is strained.  I'm not going to spill them here.   What I wish is that it *wasn't* strained so this could be a joyous and fun time between mom and daughter (and yes, of course, ds, but ds hasn't dreamed of his wedding day since he was young).  Dh and I, and ds and (future) ddil are the only ones cheerfully dealing with this.   I thought I was clear above when I said I was ready to bust my ass to make this a nice wedding, one they'll both be happy with.   I have zero expectations for the wedding or elopement or anything at all.   The reason I asked my original question was to make sure they have all the options I can give them (they asked us) and then combine that with all the ideas they can come up with on their own and then they can sit down and decide what is important to them and what's not.   They have to start somewhere.  First up is budget.  Then it's getting ideas into place.     That's it.    

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I did not read @WildflowerMom’s post that way at all.  I understood that she felt like she was taking on MOB role and it made her sad that her future DIL is not currently in a good place with her parents. 

Of course the Groom should be as involved as he wants but it is not realistic that Brides don’t also ask for female opinions and assistance.

Thank you, this is it.   I wish things were better between them.  I don't want her mom to have regrets later on, even if they'd be her own fault (they are).   I love (future) ddil.  I have no problem at all walking through this with her or anything else, for that matter.  Like I told her when they got engaged, she's mine now.  Just like ds.  🤷🏻‍♀️  That's just how I see it, I have 2 now instead of 1.  So if she needs me for this, we'll make this wedding happen like she wants (within budget, of course).   I just needed ideas to get me started.   I haven't been involved in wedding planning in 22 years!  😆

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, shawthorne44 said:

I think couples can ask for a backyard wedding thinking it will be simple.  But the problem is, it is YOUR space and you need to make it look nice.  In a venue, if some aspect is ugly you don't worry about people judging you.  But, your space, for a wedding, you want everything to be perfect.  

It's actually more than that. A backyard wedding would suggest a residential setting. Here are some things to consider that a residential setting won't have that needs to be provided.

1. Seating. How many people have seating for the number of guests available? That's not even to mention matching seating for the number of guests. 
2. Bathroom. 40-ish people is probably OK for the bathroom but once you start approaching 100 people, you probably don't want that many people using your bathroom. Or that your bathroom is easily accessible from your backyard (like they don't have to traverse your house to get there.)
3. Food. If you are wanting catering on site they are going to want a commercial kitchen, unless the caterer really knows you and your kitchen is setup correctly they will want to bring this in. You don't need this but that means takeout for the wedding food.
4. Sound. At minimum a PA system is needed so your guests can hear what's going on.
5. Set-up and clean-up. Usually people do think about set-up but clean-up is an issue. I mean yes you can be rude and just leave the host to clean up the party mess, but seriously you should hire a service to clean up after the party.

All this is just bare minimum not because you care about what people think of your house.

[SHP]

19 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

Enthusiasm, not so much.  At least not on one side, unfortunately.  I’m trying to keep the peace right now.  I’m not sure how that will play out.   My wish would be that future dil and her family’s relationship would mend and they would be happy about everything and they could plan the wedding like mom and daughter are supposed to.   We’ll see what they say when she asks what ‘paying for the venue’ means.  🙇🏻‍♀️  I want them to have/do whatever they want within budget.  We’ll make it happen somehow.    I’ll be coming here for lots of help! 😆

Saying this with love, and experience (learned the hard way). You cannot fix their relationship and keeping the peace will cost you your peace. In your position I would switch my communication to a focus of listening then rewording and repeating back what is said and validating feelings.

I fully admit that I would want to do and say other things. Lots of other things. None of which are productive or would have positive long term outcomes.  

 

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

It's actually more than that. A backyard wedding would suggest a residential setting. Here are some things to consider that a residential setting won't have that needs to be provided.

1. Seating. How many people have seating for the number of guests available? That's not even to mention matching seating for the number of guests. 
2. Bathroom. 40-ish people is probably OK for the bathroom but once you start approaching 100 people, you probably don't want that many people using your bathroom. Or that your bathroom is easily accessible from your backyard (like they don't have to traverse your house to get there.)
3. Food. If you are wanting catering on site they are going to want a commercial kitchen, unless the caterer really knows you and your kitchen is setup correctly they will want to bring this in. You don't need this but that means takeout for the wedding food.
4. Sound. At minimum a PA system is needed so your guests can hear what's going on.
5. Set-up and clean-up. Usually people do think about set-up but clean-up is an issue. I mean yes you can be rude and just leave the host to clean up the party mess, but seriously you should hire a service to clean up after the party.

All this is just bare minimum not because you care about what people think of your house.

Add parking to the list. Maybe shuttle from a parking lot somewhere? Most neighborhoods can't handle that many extra cars. You can only park one car in front of my house due to the fire hydrant and mailbox placement, both of which have to be a certain number of feet from the vehicle. 

 

[WildflowerMom]

50 minutes ago, SHP said:

Saying this with love, and experience (learned the hard way). You cannot fix their relationship and keeping the peace will cost you your peace. In your position I would switch my communication to a focus of listening then rewording and repeating back what is said and validating feelings.

I fully admit that I would want to do and say other things. Lots of other things. None of which are productive or would have positive long term outcomes.  

 

I don't know the other parents, so I couldn't fix that relationship if I wanted to.    I'm not touching that situation with a ten foot pole!     That entire thing is on them (parents), no one else.     I just don't want the situation to get worse since she's still at home and at this point, accepting money from them for the wedding.    By 'keep the peace' I mean that I don't want to tell them to go screw themselves, we'll figure it all out, lol.   That's *not* going to happen but there's things I can't say here and it's not a typical strained relationship from what I'm able to see.  I'm just trying to keep stress at a minimum for everyone, make it a nice wedding if they choose, and if ddil wants little interaction with her immediate family, then that's what will happen.  If somehow someway this brings them close together, that'll be a nice bonus.    But I will do whatever *she* wants me to do.  At this point, she and ds are excited and want mine and dh's involvement and frankly, they need us to be excited with them right now.  So that's what we're doing.   Of course, we actually are excited!   She's awesome!   Ds went through crap with his previous gf and we're ecstatic that it all led to this moment.  

[Clarita]

In conclusion @WildflowerMom do not do an actual backyard wedding for "simplicity" or to "save money". I think it is a popular aesthetic and it's fine to pick if that's what they want for looks/sentimental reasons. If simple is what is desired pick a simple and economical venue. 

When I planned my wedding 9 years ago backyard wedding is a popular aesthetic. There are venues that have that look while being actual venues with all the necessary stuff. 

[WildflowerMom]

9 minutes ago, Clarita said:

In conclusion @WildflowerMom do not do an actual backyard wedding for "simplicity" or to "save money". I think it is a popular aesthetic and it's fine to pick if that's what they want for looks/sentimental reasons. If simple is what is desired pick a simple and economical venue. 

When I planned my wedding 9 years ago backyard wedding is a popular aesthetic. There are venues that have that look while being actual venues with all the necessary stuff. 

My backyard has a dog and a foster dog dropping brown bombs in it right now.  Trust me, ds and ddil do not want to use my backyard!  😆😆😆. But yes, after reading yall's take on backyard weddings, the next time I hear someone say they want one, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my mouth shut about what a spectacularly bad idea that is!  

[wintermom]

9 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

My backyard has a dog and a foster dog dropping brown bombs in it right now.  Trust me, ds and ddil do not want to use my backyard!  😆😆😆. But yes, after reading yall's take on backyard weddings, the next time I hear someone say they want one, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my mouth shut about what a spectacularly bad idea that is!  

It really depends on the number of guests. I attended my cousin's wedding (was maid of honor) in her parent's home in the winter in Canada. No outdoor space used. It was a very small wedding and was quite charming. I loved it because no big crowds, and it was familiar setting.

[Clarita]

9 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

But yes, after reading yall's take on backyard weddings, the next time I hear someone say they want one, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my mouth shut about what a spectacularly bad idea that is!  

I mean my wedding was gorgeous and incredible. My host went on to do backyard weddings for 2 of her kid's weddings. None of it was cheaper or simplified planning. So, it's not a spectacularly bad idea just isn't any more simple than getting a venue. 

[cjzimmer1]

54 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

My backyard has a dog and a foster dog dropping brown bombs in it right now.  Trust me, ds and ddil do not want to use my backyard!  😆😆😆. But yes, after reading yall's take on backyard weddings, the next time I hear someone say they want one, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my mouth shut about what a spectacularly bad idea that is!  

My DS just got engaged this week and they are planning a backyard wedding.  It's not my backyard and it's about 1800 miles away so I will in no way be called upon to assist but I've been following this thread and now I don't know if I should say something to them or not.  I had never considered all that went into it. Either way I'm really glad I'm not involved on that side of things.

[WildflowerMom]

13 minutes ago, cjzimmer1 said:

My DS just got engaged this week and they are planning a backyard wedding.  It's not my backyard and it's about 1800 miles away so I will in no way be called upon to assist but I've been following this thread and now I don't know if I should say something to them or not.  I had never considered all that went into it. Either way I'm really glad I'm not involved on that side of things.

I’m glad my yard is small and has dogs.  That’s a conversation we don’t have to have, at least.   My cousin was married in her parents’ backyard many years ago.  There was a pool and a walkway was already there.  I was too young to know about the logistics and such, but now I see how much my aunt had to deal with to make that happen.   

[Clarita]

22 minutes ago, cjzimmer1 said:

I will in no way be called upon to assist but I've been following this thread and now I don't know if I should say something to them or not.

I think the biggest unforeseen one is to hire a cleaning crew for after the party. I had read that in some article during my planning and I think that's the one important thing I would have forgotten or not thought of. Everything else the homeowner will request or when they start planning, they will figure out. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 hour ago, cjzimmer1 said:

My DS just got engaged this week and they are planning a backyard wedding.  It's not my backyard and it's about 1800 miles away so I will in no way be called upon to assist but I've been following this thread and now I don't know if I should say something to them or not.  I had never considered all that went into it. Either way I'm really glad I'm not involved on that side of things.

 

That is a hard call. DD really wanted simple, but it still has gotten complicated. We decided we needed to rent tents since a small shower could ruin everything and tents may save it. Are they doing a caterer? Will the caterer even do it sans commercial kitchen? Do they need electricity or water at the serving site? Sound system or DJ? All of the little decorations and stuff that you get with a venue plus tables, chairs, etc, those are all on you now. Bathrooms are for sure an issue and renting the nice ones are very very expensive. We are hopeful that our two bathrooms will be ok for 50 people. We opted not to rent as they were thousands per unit to rent them. Most of us are parking remotely. I just had to buy 300 yards of chiffon to cover tent poles and create a framework for the ceremony tent. I purchased 12 packs of market lights for the tent. All of this and we aren't going fancy. I mean it, we are trying to keep it simple. 

[cjzimmer1]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

That is a hard call. DD really wanted simple, but it still has gotten complicated. We decided we needed to rent tents since a small shower could ruin everything and tents may save it. Are they doing a caterer? Will the caterer even do it sans commercial kitchen? Do they need electricity or water at the serving site? Sound system or DJ? All of the little decorations and stuff that you get with a venue plus tables, chairs, etc, those are all on you now. Bathrooms are for sure an issue and renting the nice ones are very very expensive. We are hopeful that our two bathrooms will be ok for 50 people. We opted not to rent as they were thousands per unit to rent them. Most of us are parking remotely. I just had to buy 300 yards of chiffon to cover tent poles and create a framework for the ceremony tent. I purchased 12 packs of market lights for the tent. All of this and we aren't going fancy. I mean it, we are trying to keep it simple. 

So far the things I know.  She lives in the desert so little chance of rain.  Wedding is early enough in the year so it won't be unbearably hot either.  Guest list is under 40 but I don't know the exact count.  I have no idea whose backyard they are planning on using but it's not her parents.  I hadn't considered the bathroom issue or many other things brought up here so I will filter those things into the conversation when I can.  I haven't been party to any of the discussions just what DS tells me afterward.  She will be visiting here in a few weeks so I'm sure I will get to hear more then.  Someone where she lives helped DS plan his surprise arrival/proposal.  I had thought it was her parents but the little I've heard it was someone else.  He just got back early this morning so I haven't gotten to hear the details.  

[cjzimmer1]

3 hours ago, Clarita said:

I think the biggest unforeseen one is to hire a cleaning crew for after the party. I had read that in some article during my planning and I think that's the one important thing I would have forgotten or not thought of. Everything else the homeowner will request or when they start planning, they will figure out. 

Very important reminder.  I'll make sure to mention it at some point.  I have no idea whose planning or assisting. I haven't asked yet.  It's been in the works for a while but was just made "official" this week.

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Are they doing a caterer? Will the caterer even do it sans commercial kitchen? Do they need electricity or water at the serving site? Sound system or DJ?

The caterer can provide the "kitchen" it's just money. A few barbeque caterers I talked to bring their own kitchen no matter what, essentially a big truck/semi they put their smoker on they wouldn't have needed anything from me. Certain caterers will bring all the things too (serve ware, plates, utensils, linens, tables, chairs, bathrooms) and clean-up, again just money. A lot of catering businesses know party rental companies that they have worked with and can help you out there. 

If catering is too much money then you can do takeout; you can even have some people put it on some platters to doll it up. If you know the caterer they may work with your home kitchen, but if you don't know them they are very hesitant (it's messy and stressful).  

Just price out DJ vs equipment rental. For me a DJ isn't necessary for a wedding, a laptop and a friend willing to step up to the mike once in a while to announce the next event is fine. We had a very complicated sound situation so I hired a DJ just to be the help to handle those logistics. 

I don't want to be disingenuous so, for full disclosure my husband wanted a traditional wedding with some fancy. Everyone (all 400) had a great time and thought it was a fantastic wedding; all the relationships were still great afterwards. If I remember correctly the cost was about $30 - $40k (in-laws paid for the alcohol which they purchased wholesale). We are friends with the caterer so we got a fantastic deal on that. I have no regrets over my backyard wedding. It just wasn't any cheaper than having it at a venue.

[Ellie]

On 5/24/2022 at 8:53 AM, Carrie12345 said:

But destination weddings are still controversial!

No kidding!

Back in the day, a "destination" was, you know, the honeymoon. The happy couple gets married locally so that most of the people they care about can actually attend, and then they go off for a lovely honeymoon in a far distant location.

I would not attend a destination wedding on principle. I think it's terribly selfish.

[Ellie]

When older dd got married, the wedding was outside, at a local park that had a lovely amphitheater. We had the reception at our house. We had a burrito bar, with food we prepared ourselves; and we rented some chairs. We hired a florist, who did a lovely job, and a photographer, ditto. So, maybe $3000. New sil's parents had done a cook-out in the park after the rehearsal.

When Mr. Ellie and I got married, we had the reception at our church, with cake and punch and those cute little mint thingies. That's what all my friends did, as they were all single and working and paying for everything themselves.

[Guest]

On 5/26/2022 at 2:28 PM, Clarita said:

I mean my wedding was gorgeous and incredible. My host went on to do backyard weddings for 2 of her kid's weddings. None of it was cheaper or simplified planning. So, it's not a spectacularly bad idea just isn't any more simple than getting a venue. 

…And can be substantially more complicated than getting a venue. My niece’s wedding was a gorgeous setting at parent’s farm, but quite a few drawbacks were very apparent to me. The food situation was very far from ideal and there was literally not enough. Then, the desserts were available but I think the caterers had nothing to do with the desserts so they stood by as people mangled the pies because there were inadequate serving utensils and no professional help. 

[Bootsie]

It amazes me how 20 years ago, when my children were five or six, parents were horrified of all the work it would be to have a birthday party in the backyard and invite 8 five-year-olds to attend--the parties were at the roller rink, McDonalds, ChuckECheese, etc.   But, fast forward 20 years later  and some of  these same parents think a backyard wedding will be the simplest and least costly option.  

[Faith-manor]

21 hours ago, Ellie said:

No kidding!

Back in the day, a "destination" was, you know, the honeymoon. The happy couple gets married locally so that most of the people they care about can actually attend, and then they go off for a lovely honeymoon in a far distant location.

I would not attend a destination wedding on principle. I think it's terribly selfish.

I don't think it is selfish. Half or more of the families in this country are dysfunctional, acrimonious divorces, nasty people, narcissists. I have not been to a single wedding in the last eight years that did not have drama caused by family that left the couple regretting that they bothered to invite anyone to their wedding in the first place. Not one. Every single one has been an exhausted bride with puffy, teary eyes, a groom that looks like he is going to pound some people at the reception, the narcissists in the family preening around making everything all about them, and an unholy amount of money spent for even a simple wedding because food costs, venue costs, everything has skyrocketed. Shoot, there isn't a single church in my county that even allows regular attenders and members to use the facilities without a LOT of money. $500 for the fellowship hall, $500 custodial fee, $250 for the pastor or priest, $1000 security deposit, rental does not include chairs and tables which must also be rented. A small church wedding here is $2500 just to have a place for the building, tables and chairs, and officiant. This doesn't cover musicians or prerecorded music that has to be played by the designated tech person also $250, any kind of food or beverage, plates, silverware, napkins, anything. 

All of that money plus a whole lot more and still only cake and punch so that the couple can be harangued by family and guests who feel slighted because they didn't get entertained properly or given a sit down meal or childcare provided or any number of other complaints.

At my own daughter's wedding, trying to do the right thing and have the family there, my aunt had a meltdown, I got yelled at in front of all the guests by the groom's aunt because I didn't think to provide chicken nuggets from McDonald's for her kids, and then a nephew showed up drunk and had to be bounced, the caterer screwed up big time, while I and four other family members had NO food. When I was done cleaning up at midnight, I still had not eaten that day. And this isn't 1950. The church ladies don't stay to help clean up, and neither does the custodian. You pay the custodial fee JUST so that person can inspect it later. She spent five minutes looking around. I wish I made that kind of money for five minutes. It is not refundable. The security deposit we did get back.

If my sons ever decide to get married, I will pay them good money to elope to some exotic location.

And dd's wedding was mild compared to some of the other weddings I have been to because the US culture is exactly that blatantly, badly behaved.

[Terabith]

22 hours ago, Ellie said:

No kidding!

Back in the day, a "destination" was, you know, the honeymoon. The happy couple gets married locally so that most of the people they care about can actually attend, and then they go off for a lovely honeymoon in a far distant location.

I would not attend a destination wedding on principle. I think it's terribly selfish.

This assumes that everyone is from the same town.  When I got married, my family was from one place; my husband's family from another city; and we had attended college in a third place.  That's not even counting the extended family members from hither and yon.  There was no location that was in a place where most people wouldn't have to travel.  We held it where we attended college, but still most people did have to travel, sometimes long distances.  I don't think a destination wedding is inherently selfish.  

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

I don't think it is selfish. Half or more of the families in this country are dysfunctional, acrimonious divorces, nasty people, narcissists. I have not been to a single wedding in the last eight years that did not have drama caused by family that left the couple regretting that they bothered to invite anyone to their wedding in the first place. Not one. Every single one has been an exhausted bride with puffy, teary eyes, a groom that looks like he is going to pound some people at the reception, the narcissists in the family preening around making everything all about them, and an unholy amount of money spent for even a simple wedding because food costs, venue costs, everything has skyrocketed. Shoot, there isn't a single church in my county that even allows regular attenders and members to use the facilities without a LOT of money. $500 for the fellowship hall, $500 custodial fee, $250 for the pastor or priest, $1000 security deposit, rental does not include chairs and tables which must also be rented. A small church wedding here is $2500 just to have a place for the building, tables and chairs, and officiant. This doesn't cover musicians or prerecorded music that has to be played by the designated tech person also $250, any kind of food or beverage, plates, silverware, napkins, anything. 

All of that money plus a whole lot more and still only cake and punch so that the couple can be harangued by family and guests who feel slighted because they didn't get entertained properly or given a sit down meal or childcare provided or any number of other complaints.

At my own daughter's wedding, trying to do the right thing and have the family there, my aunt had a meltdown, I got yelled at in front of all the guests by the groom's aunt because I didn't think to provide chicken nuggets from McDonald's for her kids, and then a nephew showed up drunk and had to be bounced, the caterer screwed up big time, while I and four other family members had NO food. When I was done cleaning up at midnight, I still had not eaten that day. And this isn't 1950. The church ladies don't stay to help clean up, and neither does the custodian. You pay the custodial fee JUST so that person can inspect it later. She spent five minutes looking around. I wish I made that kind of money for five minutes. It is not refundable. The security deposit we did get back.

If my sons ever decide to get married, I will pay them good money to elope to some exotic location.

And dd's wedding was mild compared to some of the other weddings I have been to because the US culture is exactly that blatantly, badly behaved.

A destination wedding is not the only alternative to a large dramatic event. One we were asked to attend would have cost us $5K; I’ve hosted a wedding reception for 150 people for less than that. We could have been invited to a small local event, a really small dinner following a courthouse or private church ceremony, not invited to either of the above, or just been happy to congratulate the couple upon their return from the exciting elopement. Any of those would have been lower trouble events for a bride and groom. 
 

(FWIW I define a “destination” wedding as one where the couple selects a resort-ish location where they have no attachment other than they’ve always wanted to go there or they think the photos will be pretty - not just that their families live in different cities or even countries.)

2 hours ago, Terabith said:

This assumes that everyone is from the same town.  When I got married, my family was from one place; my husband's family from another city; and we had attended college in a third place.  That's not even counting the extended family members from hither and yon.  There was no location that was in a place where most people wouldn't have to travel.  We held it where we attended college, but still most people did have to travel, sometimes long distances.  I don't think a destination wedding is inherently selfish.  

It is not uncommon these days for the bride and groom to come from families spread across the globe. If I were close to the groom but the bride’s family and wedding location were distant, it’s not selfish to invite me to attend even though it would require me to travel (as long as you understand I might need to politely decline). If people are really spread out and a meet-in-the-middle normal city that no one is actually based  in makes sense, I’d consider it the same. But the destination weddings I’m seeing and have been expected to say yes to attending have been at $$$$ locations and would have required me and dh to take three days to a week off of work. And these were not for successful thirty-somethings, they were each for young couples without a pot to you-know-what in and parents squarely middle-middle class. Selfish? I think so. Definitely clueless about the cost in money and time they were asking those invited to fork out. And our decision not to attend has had permanent effects on relationships. 
 

 

Edited May 28, 2022 by Grace Hopper