VENT: My mum rang my husband yesterday to say

[BusyMum]

that they are VERY worried about me. They are convinced that I am going to be a basket case after my surgery next week and that it is time for the family to rally round in support. They have it in their heads that I have 'emotional debt' - whatever that is. Something to do with giving of myself all the time so much so that when I stop for a few days with the surgery I'm going to get flattened by the rubberband effect. That's all very well and nice and I appreciate that they care for me - don't get me wrong on that. But they just aren't listening to me. *inserts frown* When my husband was away recently I got strong-armed into having my sister and her two kids come to stay for a week "to help out". Of course we had to pay for their flights and food etc. It was nice catching up with my sister but very exhausting and stressful having all the extra busyness etc.

 

I just want to have my surgery and then relax back with my husband and kids to recuperate. Its not going to take that much. I expect to be back onto light duties within a week and normal work within three weeks. But they want my sister to come up next week and then my mum to come up after my husband goes back to work mid-Jan. And they want us to pay for it. I know I am being ungrateful but this ISN'T the kind of help we need and I feel painted into a corner and smothered. And i don't know what the hang they are talking about with emotional debt. It has been a stressful and busy year and I am chronically sleep deprived. I have been in pain for a long time and that is why I am having the danged surgery. Everything is going to get better not worse.

 

Mum's already talked to me about extra help and I have reassured her that we have everything under control and while we appreciate their offer we are covered. But they are utterly convinced that I am going to be a total mess for ages afterwards. And they are not listening to my reassurances. I think that part of it is because they are disaster buffs and since avian bird-flu is a no show they need something else to fret about and analyze to death. But I don't appreciate being analyzed and my emotional well-being doubted, especially by people who have lived at the opposite end of the country for the last 13 years so don't really see how well we are doing and how happy I am on a day to day basis.

 

I've told them several times that we have it covered but I don't think they are listening. I had a lovely chat with Mum the other day and filled her in on all our preparations and how excited the kids are about Christmas etc etc - really upbeat stuff. Then she calls my husband saying that I am under a lot of stress and have this emotional burden. And of course my husband has been away for three weeks and so he thinks that I have been confiding in my mum and am putting on a brave face for him. *rolls eyes* We've got that straightened out now. But they have constructed a fantasy that bears little if any relation to reality and while I can't doubt their good intentions I just don't want my sister bustling around the house chattering away and having her say in everything we do. And I certainly don't want to use our hard earned Airpoints dollars to pay for her flights! I triumphed through three weeks of my husband being overseas for us to earn those and I plan to use them on a holiday.

 

Anyway, that is my vent. My husband has said he'll get back to my mum tomorrow and so we have to decide what to do tonight. I need to consider his needs but he is adament he'll be fine looking after the boys while I rest up - and he is very capable. I just get the feeling that they aren't going to take no for an answer.

[WTMCassandra]

Hugs to you. I'm sorry they are not listening to you. It sounds like a golden opportunity to put some boundaries in place. At the very least, if they insist on coming, they can pay for their own tickets!

[Anne]

How annoying!!

 

Just keep repeating: Thanks for the thought, we've got it covered, thanks for the thought, we've got it covered.....

 

Your dh should practice this before he calls your mum back....

 

:grouphug:

 

Anne

[newbie]

She is right set boundaries now. My parents would never have anything to do w/us, but when they wanted to see the kids I had to drop everything or they would show up w/no notice. It irked me to no end.

 

I got so sick of it I moved.

 

Say thanks for help, but no thanks.

[BusyMum]

I have said thanks but we've got it covered numerous times. That is why my mum phoned my husband at work. I appreciate her obvious concern but I am annoyed at their lack of trust in me. If I say it will be fine then either it will be fine, or it won't and I will have to put on my big girl's knickers and deal with the consequences of my poor judgement.

 

Also it really grates at me how they are sitting there gossiping about me and my mental health and coming up with something that bears no resemblence to reality - then getting in a tizzy about it. I am fine. I had a bit of a spell a few years back after losing three much wanted babies in pregnancy - all within a 10 month time span. But that was just grief and I think that I am entitled to have grieved for my babies without having it thrown back in my face and people thinking I am prone to depression and mental imbalance. For the record, I got through my grief without requiring any councelling or medication and without ill effect to my family.

[Harriet Vane]

Stand firm.

 

Pick a simple statement and keep repeating it.

 

Do not get drawn into giving long, elaborate explanations to people who are not listening. They consider it an invitation to debate.

 

It sounds like you know full well that having them in your home will NOT aid in your recovery, but perhaps exhaust you and sabotage your recovery.

 

I know what you mean about people who live across the country making decisions about your wellbeing. I had a fight with my best friend (someone who's been like a mother to me) on Thanksgiving because she is unhappy with the way I am managing my health. She really doesn't understand what's wrong with me and she has no clue what steps I have taken/am taking to deal with the different facets of my health but had the nerve to insist--stridently, with raised voice, speaking over my attempts to explain--to insist on a specific course of action for me. Honestly, it was just because she cares for me and loves me genuinely, but the conversation and her refusal to listen still hurt.

 

The bottom line: Stand firm.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unfortunately you and your husband are going to have to use the "NO" word. There really is nothing quite like having them express their concerns etc. and just saying the one word - "NO". It isn't as nice or polite or fuzzy as saying "we have it covered" or all the other things I tend to say. But I've found that people seem to think that those things are just hurdles to climb over but that simple "No" to whatever they say is a brick wall.

 

So - if they say, "We'd like to come after the surgery". You say "No."

 

If they say, "You can pay for the tickets". You say "No."

 

If they say, "Why not". You say, "Because I said, No."

 

They may very well get mad (my in-laws did when I finally said "No"). But they truly will get over it. And if they don't, there are serious issues on their part.

[AuntieM]

Answering machine.

 

Sorry, I realize that screening your calls would simply be avoiding the issue, and since she's already called your hubby at work I guess she'd just do it again.

 

I think what sounds most outrageous to me is that they expect you to foot the bills for their travel! My "say one thing and stick to it," as strider recommends, might go something like this.

 

Thanks for your concern, but we are out of travel points. We've already arranged for household help (hired a lovely local babysitter/nurse/housekeeper, whatever). I will get much more rest without having to worry about accommodating house guests. The end.

 

You may hurt their feelings, to be sure, but they'll live through it. Sorry you have to deal with this.

 

By the way, regarding your miscarriages, I for one believe that many women need to grieve more than society sometimes seems to permit. My in-laws just didn't seem to "get it" when I was going through my own experience, like they thought I was over reacting. Well, that could be a whole 'nother post, I just wanted to say good for you, that you took your time and came to terms with your feelings.

[BeachGirl]

:iagree:

 

The word NO works. Rinse, repeat ad infinitum if necessary. No mom, I have it covered. Please do NOT come. We cannot purchase tickets for you at this time. My husband and children will take care of me. Thank you for caring. Keep repeating the message. They will eventually get the message. Good luck with your surgery.

[JFSinIL]

Just Say No. Remind them that you are all grown-up now and able to take care of yourself, including preparing for some time resting. Note that your doctors does not recommend visitors ;) during recuperation. Finally, simply Do Not Pay For Any Tickets.

[AuntieM]

"My doctor does not recommend visitors."

 

Good one, JFS!

[kalanamak]

And don't forget to train hubby to say "you'll have to talk to your daughter about that" and say NOTHING ELSE. Everything else is "ammo".

[Laurie4b]

Just one thing to add that might be the "people are different and need different types of help." Your mom and sister may be helping the way they would need to be helped and just assume that what they would want is what you want.

So you might spell it out this way: Mom, I love you and I know that you are really concerned about me and you want to help me. Here is the help I want from you: I want some space to heal. I'm not the kind of person who does well with other people in my home even if I love them, like my sister. That adds stress to me. I know that that may be different than you, and it might even cause you anxiety not to have someone other than my husband "on the ground" but I need you to help me by giving me space. Honest. You're wrong about what you think is going on. You'll need to trust me and respect me. " Don't know if that will help, but possibly pointing out that people are different and telling her what kind of help is helpful might do the trick if she is truly concerned. If she's the one who is anxious, you might have to tell her that she'll need to deal with her anxiety a different way, but it can't be at your expense. You need your emotional energy to heal. (That sort of flips things around on her.) You might also offer to have one of the kids or dh write a daily update.

[BusyMum]

We footed the bill for my sister and her kids to come up for a week while my husband was overseas recently. That cost us $172 in flights and almost $300 in extra groceries. I did this after talking with them about our needs and settling on this compromise - she came up while DH was away and we would be fine after the surgery as DH is taking his annual leave for a month. I didn't really need her up and it was way more stressful than it was worth for both me and my boys. Fish and guests both stink after three days. I love my routines and my space. It was so disruptive for all of us. :(

[Desert Rat]

What I don't get is that they want YOU to pay for them to come out and help you when you don't even want their help to begin with. Huh? I don't get relatives like this. If you asked for their help then yes, you pay. But they're volunteering and still you pay. Doesn't make sense to me.

A dear friend of mine had her in-laws come to visit shortly after they were married. They were to sleep on an air matress in the guest room. This wasn't good enough for in-laws so they went out and bought a mattress and frame and only paid for half. My friend had to pay the rest. Yicks! Ungrateful guests.

What your family is doing is similar.

Just say no.

And no.

No again.

Until they get it.

[BusyMum]

My husband gets Air Dollars (flight points) for all his travel. So I guess they figure it isn't going to come out of our pocket. But it is hard being without him while he is away and we look forward to accumulating enough to have a wee holiday ourselves. The thing is that we have been using them for family travel (going down to Wellington to see them and bringing my sister and her kids up here) in recent years so I guess they are used to it.

[jensway]

I have been in your shoes before and I stood firm on NO Thanks, we have it covered, except a few meals. I made a list of like 3 restaurants near by that delivered and what everyone like to eat from there. That way your relatives if they want can call and order a meal for you guys and have it delivered. This will allow them to feel like they are helping and it really will be a big help. Good luck on your surgery!

[yslek]

It sounds like a golden opportunity to put some boundaries in place.

 

:iagree:

 

At a lecture on boundaries I attended earlier in the year, the speaker suggested the line "that doesn't work for me". She said that giving reasons only opens up the issue for debate. (I still have a hard time with that, as I really want to convince people to agree with me!)

 

Now, maybe family members deserve a little more (I would never tell dh "that doesn't work for me" and leave it at that, for example!) but it sounds like you've reached the point where that line or something similar ("NO!") is in order.

 

Good luck. It sounds like the emotional stress of dealing with this situation is taking it's toll. :glare:

[SonshineLearner]

Maybe say that you're splurging for a month of housekeeping and a teen sitter to come in and help. If it doesn't work out later...fine. With three little kids....you do deserve it:-) Some homeschool teens would be happy to help you...if you need it...and that may reassure them, and give you an "out".

:-)

[Rosie_0801]

Ah. My inlaws are like this too, though they don't have your family's good intentions. Somehow if they want something out of us, we have to bend over backwards to organise it. I always thought if someone wants something from you, they should be the one putting in the effort.

 

No. You should not put yourself out and spend you air points to solve their problems. Their problems are their responsibility, not yours, so don't fix them and don't bother feeling guilty. Your hubby can tell them he's saving the air points to take you on a much deserved holiday and he will be looking after you with great attentiveness.It really would be very rude of them to show up and take away his opportunity to be your house cleaning, child organising, knight in shining armour.

 

:)

Rosie

[dawn of ns]

And don't forget to train hubby to say "you'll have to talk to your daughter about that" and say NOTHING ELSE. Everything else is "ammo".

 

Ditto. It's unfair that they call your huband and increase his stress and worries with their comments. Give him permission to take himself out of the middle of this and tell them he can't talk at work or they'll have to talk to you.

[Josie]

Just Say No thank you, that doesn't work for us. Just leave it at that. Then get off of the phone as soon as possible. Don't give them the power to try to change your mind by saying how worried they are about you.

 

You have the control. You can say no, and you can NOT get them plane tickets.

 

I pray for a successful surgery and a peaceful recovery.

[homeschool2boys]

I would say no too if you think it will do any good. I will tell you what happened to me. I had just given birth to my YS and 8 days later my appendix ruptured and I had to go in for emergancy surgery.

 

Well my grandmother in law decided to come down to help me. It was SOOO stressful. The house was a wreck from me getting out of the hospital the first time (from having the baby). Dh and kids did not clean while I was in the hospital. I tried to clean it up but was so sick from both having the baby and then having my appendix going bad. For days before I wound up in the hospital the second time (appendix) I was really sick and throwing up all day long. I had a high fever and was really really ill. The house work just did not get done.

 

So she shows up to the disaster site and I could not deal with it all. I just wanted to rest and enjoy my new baby but I could not even do that. If I had to do it over again I would have said no or told my dh to say no. Really I did not have a choice, dh and grandmother in law planned all of this while I was in the hospital and when I got home, there she was.

 

Say no now while you have got the chance!

[Gretchen in NJ]

Just Say No. Remind them that you are all grown-up now and able to take care of yourself, including preparing for some time resting. Note that your doctors does not recommend visitors ;) during recuperation. Finally, simply Do Not Pay For Any Tickets.

 

Blame it on the docotrs is a great one! Nice train of thought JFS

 

And don't forget to train hubby to say "you'll have to talk to your daughter about that" and say NOTHING ELSE. Everything else is "ammo".

 

You have gotten a lot of good advice and support. I hope everthing works out weel for you.:grouphug: Remember to train dh. It is very important.:grouphug:

[Susan in KY]

How about hiring a local college kid to come in and do a couple hours of cleaning? Then have dh tell them he hired some local help so that things will be a little disrupted as possible. That way they're happy you're covered and you're happy they're not covering it. You can always just have the college kid come in for just one time. :001_smile:

[beansprouts]

that they are VERY worried about me. They are convinced that I am going to be a basket case after my surgery next week and that it is time for the family to rally round in support. They have it in their heads that I have 'emotional debt' - whatever that is.

 

This sounds like talk show psychobabble :ack2:

 

You have been given some good advice already. I hope you have a quick and peaceful recovery from your surgery. :grouphug:

[BusyMum]

Thank you so much for all your supportive comments. It has helped me get it straight in my head. DH and I haad a talk about it last night and early this morning he got up and wrote my mum an email thanking her for her concern and outlining all the things we had in place to get through the next few weeks. He also said that we don't have anything avaliable for flights as we have been holding on to the hope of a family holiday in the next six months (our first in years) and will be saving our air miles for that. Finally, and this was pretty cheeky, he gave them the website of a company that picks up food from local restaurants and delivers! :) He suggested that a good way to give some tangible support from afar will be to order a meal for us.

 

My husband rocks!

 

I am now going to put it out of my mind and focus on the upcoming surgery and recuperation. After all, I now need to get better in double quick time to prove that I don't have a 'emotional debt' to repay! :)

[keptwoman]

Yay! Your husband handled it great.

[Susan in KY]

Finally, and this was pretty cheeky, he gave them the website of a company that picks up food from local restaurants and delivers! :) He suggested that a good way to give some tangible support from afar will be to order a meal for us.

 

I have just become a big fan of your dh! :001_smile:

 

All the best with your surgery.

[Danestress]

if it's the only answer they hear, over and over. No thank you. No thank you. No thank you. If your mother wants to talk to DH instead of you, then he says "no thank you."

 

If you say "no" over and over and don't pay for the tickets, they aren't coming.

[Harriet Vane]

Thank you so much for all your supportive comments. It has helped me get it straight in my head. DH and I haad a talk about it last night and early this morning he got up and wrote my mum an email thanking her for her concern and outlining all the things we had in place to get through the next few weeks. He also said that we don't have anything avaliable for flights as we have been holding on to the hope of a family holiday in the next six months (our first in years) and will be saving our air miles for that. Finally, and this was pretty cheeky, he gave them the website of a company that picks up food from local restaurants and delivers! :) He suggested that a good way to give some tangible support from afar will be to order a meal for us.

 

My husband rocks!

 

I am now going to put it out of my mind and focus on the upcoming surgery and recuperation. After all, I now need to get better in double quick time to prove that I don't have a 'emotional debt' to repay! :)

 

:party:

[RebeccaS]

I love the giving them delivery options! To me, that would be the absolute best help. Way to go!:hurray:

[Remudamom]

Tell them to pay for their own tickets and to make the destination anywhere but your house.

[OHGrandma]

I didn't read all the replies but did catch your last one, and it will fit nicely with my answer, I think.

 

Call your mom, thank her for caring and without letting her have a chance to say anything--tell her you are so pleased with your husband, and how this time is bringing the two of you together so much closer than you ever thought possible. He's a terrific husband and father, and you don't want to spoil this time for him as he takes care of you. Tell her if your husband has suggestions, as he did with the ordering of a meal, that she should follow that suggestion. But in NO WAY is she to interfere with your husband getting a chance to be your hero during this time. (Guys love being heroes, so you're killing two birds with one stone with that one!)

[Susan in KY]

Tell them to pay for their own tickets and to make the destination anywhere but your house.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: