What would you tell your college (late teens/early 20s) self?

[TexasProud]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

Well, on your first point, that’s why I said I was “debating” it. I would strenuously avoid telling her when it’s best to have babies, of course. But I really do wish a wise mentor had ever even planted the seed of a thought that it was fine to be married for, say, six years before you have a kid, instead of the standard “two years” idea I almost always heard people say. When people waited for five years, everyone whispered that they must either be struggling with fertility or the marriage was on the rocks so they hadn’t buckled down to have babies. 
 

As for the breast cancer risk - and I don’t say this lightly because I know that is a valid concern for us both - I think breast cancer was too much of a fluke to point to stats like that as advice on when to have babies. I didn’t fit any of those categories, and no other risk factors like smoking or high BMI, but cancer picked me anyway. 
 

That is weird.  We waited for 5 years and no one was whispering.  Well, wait.  We lived and went to church in a place where our Sunday School was made up of people born between 65 and 67 .  So we were 25 when we moved there and bone of the couples had kids. We all had our first one between 28 and 30.   However, when we moved to our town that we live in now, I had a one year old and was pregnant at 30.  We went to our church’s age appropriate Sunday School and all of them were 10 or older.  Everyone was way past having babies.  We finally went to a younger class.  And when my youngest played soccer, I was in my mid forties, listening to all the parents moan about the awe fullness of turning 30 that year or the next. So yeah, I  guess here there may have been whispers where most people get a job and married straight out of high school. But in my 20’s, where I lived and where I went to school, my family culture, etc.  Waiting to establish yourself before having children was considered smart and expected. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by TexasProud

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But in my 20’s, where I lived and where I went to school, my family culture, etc.  Waiting to establish yourself before having children was considered smart and expecte

I would say the larger culture where I live considers it smart to be more established, but the sub-culture, if you will, I grew up in - very conservative Christian anti-feminists - promote the opposite. Most of the people in my immediate circle when I was late teens/early 20s where married and/or had at least one kid by early twenties. 
 

I did not have a model at the time that illustrated one could remain single and/or childless through ones twenties and establish a well-paying profession. Especially girls! It was not common in my immediate culture. 

[alisoncooks]

5 hours ago, TechWife said:

 

Pluck your eyebrows- the Brooke Shields look isn’t for you. 

And the reverse: don't over pluck your eyebrows. Sometimes they don't fully recover and you'll be 40 and your eyebrows will be scraggly. 

[alisoncooks]

Also,  DH and I wish we'd:

1. Saved money like crazy when we were DINKs

2. Worked out more and established the habit better when we were younger and child-free

[regentrude]

There are extroverts and introverts, and you're an extrovert. You need a job that involves interacting with people. 

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by regentrude

[Ausmumof3]

Go to university.  Stay attached to the workforce. You might not be able to stay home forever. 
it’s ok to contact people you haven’t seen for a while and keep in touch.

relax and have more fun.

[I talk to the trees]

9 hours ago, Farrar said:

Exactly. I don't know why everyone hit the laugh emoji. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Because we didn’t buy Bitcoin either and there's no “hysterical laughter because laughing is better than crying” button! 

[Momto6inIN]

Stop dating the idiot. You're not fat, but you will someday regret learning to combat stress with food, use exercise instead. Don't go to grad school, you'll hate it and end up paying back college loans for 10 years for that 8 week experiment.

[Farrar]

I think if I'd really wanted money, I'd have stayed with the guy who had all those Microsoft options.

Seriously... while I definitely did all sorts of serious dumb things as a youth, I stand by nearly all of them. I often feel like I need my younger self to come give me a talking to more than the other way around.

[Arcadia]

10 hours ago, Quill said:

Well, on your first point, that’s why I said I was “debating” it. I would strenuously avoid telling her when it’s best to have babies, of course. But I really do wish a wise mentor had ever even planted the seed of a thought that it was fine to be married for, say, six years before you have a kid, instead of the standard “two years” idea I almost always heard people say. When people waited for five years, everyone whispered that they must either be struggling with fertility or the marriage was on the rocks so they hadn’t buckled down to have babies. 
 

My husband’s brother married early but waited until we were engaged and had our civil marriage date booked to try for a child. For traditional chinese, it is more of having a child as soon as possible, preferably in the first year of marriage. My MIL was complaining to anyone who would listen about her eldest son not having kids yet. 

I do think it is fine to wait. It is just such a sensitive issue when there are in-laws to think about. 

[Alicia64]

I'm writing a small guide for my boys when they leave home. I didn't just come up with this on the fly, I've been saving ideas for months.

 

MRIs -- ask for a dry wash cloth to go over your eyes and keep them closed the whole time.😊

 

Max out your 401(k) at work.

 

Think: systems over goals.

 

Always work for your future self.

 

Do your fair share of cleaning around the house. Vacuuming without being asked gets you extra points.

 

Big and medium-sized dogs need daily exercise.

 

When doing medical: always check for in-network. Out of network is thousands. (For MRIs, bloodwork, bone density etc.)

 

Always be insanely polite to medical people, you'll be treated better, get paperwork quicker and so forth. Send thank you notes.

 

Living contrarion is never a bad idea.

 

Don't bring flowers home every Friday: partners want spontaneity.

 

Google Warren Buffet on how to be successful: awesome.

 

Sales people are not your friends. Remember this one thing and you'll save a fortune. If they're on commission or a quota, you're not their priority and they only want to sell to you.

 

Why to date for two years before getting married.

 

Never buy something online if you've had a drink. Trust me.

 

Radiator hoses don’t last; once your vehicle turns ten, have a new hose installed every seven years. (If cars are the same.)

 

The car battery lasts about 3 to 5 years and then get a new one. Otherwise you're waiting until your car just won't start one day. (If cars are the same.)

 

Be super kind to the amazing doctors.

 

Be a life-long learner. Read.

 

Doctors are just people. If you don't get satisfactory answers: seek another opinion.

 

Often doctor's staff are severely overworked. If they don't call you back, call them again re: how to take a medication. If you've asked for your records to be sent to another doctor, never assume they did. Go get your records. It's a pain, but worth it.

 

Best things to say to your spouse:

 

You are so beautiful and I am so lucky.

Say thank you and mean it.

Say I'm sorry and mean it.

 

Always get a third, fourth, and fifth opinion on serious medical issues. If you even have a small worry that your current doctor isn't on the nose, get another opinion. Two opinions without your confidence isn't enough.

 

Visit your mother often.

 

That's it for now!

 

[Arcadia]

23 minutes ago, Alicia64 said:

Always be insanely polite to medical people, you'll be treated better, get paperwork quicker and so forth. Send thank you notes.

I find that the infusion center staff are happy when patients smile and are jovial.  They told me they rarely see smiles.

[Alicia64]

17 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I find that the infusion center staff are happy when patients smile and are jovial.  They told me they rarely see smiles.

That's sad. I guess I should write "be insanely nice to everyone who deals with the public."

Fixed it!

Thank you.

(We love Totoro too. )

Edited May 8, 2021 by Alicia64
grammar

[MEmama]

53 minutes ago, Farrar said:

 

Seriously... while I definitely did all sorts of serious dumb things as a youth, I stand by nearly all of them. I often feel like I need my younger self to come give me a talking to more than the other way around.

Pretty much this. 
I've always tried to live intentionally; even though not all my decisions were necessarily good ones, I have tried to live honestly and without regret. Although in some ways I know myself more now and would make different choices using the past 30 years of experience, there isn’t much I would go back and actually change based on what I knew then (except, have a Plan C so you don’t get lost in Oakland after dark—you got lucky but very nearly didn’t, and it took taking a huge risk to get away. Also, the Australian isn’t going to work out. Move on). 
 

One thing I will add: be less afraid to be open to others. There are good reasons to protect yourself, but you’ll forge deeper connections and contribute more if you open up about the hard stuff. Not everyone out there is cruel. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

I think if I'd really wanted money, I'd have stayed with the guy who had all those Microsoft options.

Seriously... while I definitely did all sorts of serious dumb things as a youth, I stand by nearly all of them. I often feel like I need my younger self to come give me a talking to more than the other way around.

Yes!!!!  I liked who I was much better.

[SKL]

Don't worry, it's going to click someday!  And it will be OK.

You are good enough, really.

Trust but verify.

[Frances]

16 hours ago, Quill said:

Same. 
 

I would also say, Get at least a masters degree, maybe doctorate, and, not all lawyers are like that. 

I also think starting to have kids later has a lot to recommend it. I have been debating about whether I would be a meddlesome mom if I give my dd this last bit of advice when she gets married this fall. 

As someone who has an MS and is ABD for a PhD and whose husband has a PhD (and I’m also surrounded by people either with PhDs or who were in PhD programs but stopped at a Master’s degree), I would say only get a PhD if it is fully funded (you pay no tuition or fees and get an adequate living stipend and hopefully even health insurance) and you can’t imagine doing anything else and you are fine with it never paying off in term of employment. 

[Frances]

17 hours ago, hjffkj said:

hmmm, start saving for retirement now.  We aren't behind on retirement savings but had we started earlier we would be close to early retirement.  That is the only regret I have since late teens early twenties. Everything else I did led me to dh at 21 and to the amazing 6 kids we have now.  Our life is as close to perfect as I would want it to be 🙂

We’ve saved aggressively and lived below our means since we got married, but the main thing holding us back from early retirement is health insurance. Giving up almost free group health, vision, and dental insurance while still 10 years away from Medicare eligibility seems scarier to me than giving up our paychecks. Sure, right now we could buy health insurance (although I shudder to think what it would cost even for just two of us) without concern about any pre-existing conditions, but our health and and the law could change at almost anytime. 

[Kassia]

59 minutes ago, Frances said:

We’ve saved aggressively and lived below our means since we got married, but the main thing holding us back from early retirement is health insurance. Giving up almost free group health, vision, and dental insurance while still 10 years away from Medicare eligibility seems scarier to me than giving up our paychecks. Sure, right now we could buy health insurance (although I shudder to think what it would cost even for just two of us) without concern about any pre-existing conditions, but our health and and the law could change at almost anytime. 

This is our situation, too.  DH pays a lot for lousy insurance but it's still way better than we could get if he retired.  

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Frances said:

As someone who has an MS and is ABD for a PhD and whose husband has a PhD (and I’m also surrounded by people either with PhDs or who were in PhD programs but stopped at a Master’s degree), I would say only get a PhD if it is fully funded (you pay no tuition or fees and get an adequate living stipend and hopefully even health insurance) and you can’t imagine doing anything else and you are fine with it never paying off in term of employment. 

Well, it’s moot anyway because, at 50, I’m not ‘bout to go down that road. But I really, really, really wish I had taken it all the way with academics. I had the ability and would have loved it. 

[Porridge]

Don’t buy a wedding gown. Rent one. Or Borrow one. 

[bibiche]

3 hours ago, Frances said:

 I would say only get a PhD if it is fully funded (you pay no tuition or fees and get an adequate living stipend and hopefully even health insurance) 

Are there schools that still admit people who aren’t fully funded? I thought that everyone agreed now that this was unethical. 🤔 

[Selkie]

You're definitely marrying the right guy, but move far, far away from his family cuz they are all kinds of crazy.

Also, don't let said in-laws pressure you into getting married in a Catholic church when that is not a choice you and dh would ever make.

[Frances]

7 minutes ago, bibiche said:

Are there schools that still admit people who aren’t fully funded? I thought that everyone agreed now that this was unethical. 🤔 

Yes there are. Even on this board people have defended their children choosing them.

[Frances]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Well, it’s moot anyway because, at 50, I’m not ‘bout to go down that road. But I really, really, really wish I had taken it all the way with academics. I had the ability and would have loved it. 

I have no doubt you have the ability, but I don’t think it’s possible to know that you would have loved it until you actually did it. In my experience that would be pretty rare. I personally have never met anyone who would say that about their PhD program despite being around academia and academics my entire adult life. I don’t doubt such people exist, but even my husband who is just about the most positive, upbeat happy person I know and who loves to learn did not enjoy his grad school years, let alone love them, even though the end result was exactly the job he wanted.

I have known more than one woman who completed a PhD late in life. I do think people who are doing it with no career goal in mind are often happier during the process because they are choosing it solely for the love of learning. But most people don’t have that luxury.