Calling Miss Manners - sympathy note or no?

[Spryte]

I need Miss Manners for advice.  Want to play Miss Manners for me?

My old college roommate and I were very close, and stayed close friends for many years.  We roomed together after college as well, vacationed together even after DS was born, and stayed in contact until drifting apart when she entered into a relationship with a new guy.  He did come stay with us a few times, and met up for a vacation, but we definitely drifted after he entered the picture. He and I did not hit it off.  I haven’t seen her in person since 2005 now, so ... long time.  Even our email communication petered out, as she lived off grid on a nature preserve. My understanding was that she was also distancing herself from her family at that time, too, because of the boyfriend.

DH and I learned today that she passed away tragically ten months ago.  The info I can glean online is sparse, but it’s a tragic way for anyone to pass. The boyfriend passed at the same time.

My first thought was about her parents.  I adore her parents.  Google tells me that her dad passed before she did, but her mom is 87, and lives near or with my friend’s brother.

I am torn.

I did not know her brother in person, but I spent many evenings at her parents’  house having dinners with them.  Her mom made the best flan ever. They comforted me when another dear friend of mine passed, and we still have the chihuahua cookie jar that they gave me for college graduation - it makes me laugh every time I see it.

Would it be inappropriate to send a sympathy letter to the brother, with some memories of his sister (stories she used to tell about him), and to enclose a similar sympathy note for his mom that he could pass along to her, if it’s appropriate (I don’t know is she has dementia, like my own mom, or if a note would help)?

We have not seen her parents since 2000 or so.  I don’t want to do it if it would be hurtful.  I don’t know if she and her parents ever got past the distance between them, but I hope they did.  I would not mention that.

Anyway, I’m not sure what to do.  What would Miss Manners say?  I could write it, and send it, or just let it be and grieve in my own way.  My thinking is that a note with some nice remembrances might be good, but if the hive votes no, I can just as easily skip it.

What do you think?
 

 

 

[Moonhawk]

I say note. After someone passes, especially if it was unexpected, it's nice to see that others have not forgotten them and also are thinking about the lost loved one and the person grieving. It can be a comfort. And passing it through the brother, who knows what is best for his mom's personal mental state, hedges the bet enough for you I think.

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

I say note. After someone passes, especially if it was unexpected, it's nice to see that others have not forgotten them and also are thinking about the lost loved one and the person grieving. It can be a comfort. And passing it through the brother, who knows what is best for his mom's personal mental state, hedges the bet enough for you I think.

Yes. this.

[klmama]

When my mom died, I received notes over the next year.  In some cases, they came from unexpected people; it was really nice to know that someone thought a lot of my mom and wanted to share.  I say send both notes to the brother.  Even if he doesn't pass on the note to his mom, he'll know you cared.

[katilac]

I would send them each a note. I would not send the mom's note through the brother. 

[PeterPan]

Oh sure, send a note! But like the others, I would just write the mother, the person you actually met, and skip the brother.

[marbel]

I would send a note to the mother, since you met her. If it ends up in her brother's hands, fine. But you knew her, not the brother. 

Notes of remembrance are always nice. I received some nice notes from unexpected places when my mother died, like a teacher at a school where she had done some volunteer reading. I would never have expected that. And a long-lost cousin - which shouldn't really be surprising, except that I had probably met him twice in my life, 30+ years before she died.

[Scarlett]

Yep send the note to the mom.  So sorry about her death.  I am curious what happened.

[Spryte]

Thanks, all.  I can send the note directly to her mom, I think,  I only have an address for the brother (mom is 87, may be living with brother).  I can send it “care of.”  

I don’t want my note(s) to cause any more pain. It happened last fall, but I only found out today.

 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Spryte

[katilac]

17 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Thanks, all.  I can send the note directly to her mom, I think,  I only have an address for the brother (mom is 87, may be living with brother).  I can send it “care of.”  
 

p found out today.

While you obviously can't know for sure how someone will react, sending belated condolences upon hearing of a death is a standard courtesy. It would be lovely to share some memories, and maybe a college-era picture they may not have seen. 

If you are so inclined, it is also perfectly acceptable to write separately to the brother: We never got to meet, but I thought you might like to hear some of the stories X used to tell about you . . . 

[Spryte]

1 minute ago, katilac said:

While you obviously can't know for sure how someone will react, sending belated condolences upon hearing of a death is a standard courtesy. It would be lovely to share some memories, and maybe a college-era picture they may not have seen. 

If you are so inclined, it is also perfectly acceptable to write separately to the brother: We never got to meet, but I thought you might like to hear some of the stories X used to tell about you . . . 

Thank you.  We were looking through pictures today, just before we found out (by googling, of all things). I’m sure I have a good pic or two to send, and I definitely know stories that she used to tell about her brother that would be good to share.

[Garga]

Absolutely send notes. Doesn’t matter that it was months ago.  It’s ok to send them as soon as you heard the news.  Share the stories.

[J-rap]

  If it's ever a choice between doing a thoughtful thing, or not doing it, then do it.  Even if it's late, even if it feels awkward.  It will be appreciated.  I'd send a note to both.

[Tanaqui]

It's not inappropriate to send a note.

As for the note being late - people don't stop grieving and mourning on a strict timetable. Often it can be comforting to know that your loved one is still in another person's thoughts, even if everybody else seems to have forgotten.

[J-rap]

I wanted to add...  In the past couple of years, I've made it a point to try and act on those urges to send notes, even to strangers, or people who were friends many years ago that I haven't spoken to since.  (Otherwise, I'm often the person who thinks about doing it but never actually does!)  I often hesitate right as I'm dropping the note in the mailbox, but then it's too late.  🙂  It happens the other way around too...  People, sometimes strangers sending us notes out of the blue regarding things our family has been through.  Something like that never, ever fails to boost my spirit.  I think it has way more impact than a person tends to think.

Edited September 6, 2020 by J-rap

[cintinative]

It can be quite comforting for the person mourning to receive a letter or call describing memories you have of the person lost, even months later. The grief is still there and real, and having someone acknowledge that grief is ongoing and is a process is really helpful and healing.  I encourage you to write about your cherished memories of your friend. They will be a blessing to the mom and brother. 

[PrincessMommy]

I would send them a note, especially her mom.

I have a friend who we went to church with many years ago.  We never stayed in touch after we left the church, but I always thought fondly of them.  I heard through the grapevine several years later than one of their son's died tragically.  It was about 5-6mos after as well.  I sent them a note.  

I think every mother would want to know how much their child meant to someone -even if it were weeks/months or even years after their death.  

hugs. 

[katilac]

14 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

If you are worried about the belatedness of it, you can wait a little longer and send a note for the anniversary of her death, mentioning that she is not forgotten.

I wouldn't worry about this. Condolences are never too late. Plus, the chances of me doing anything decline sharply if I delay it for a couple of months. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been a shock to discover the news the way you did.  

I definitely vote send the notes.  I think it is appropriate to send to both people, even though you didn't know the brother personally.  

[Spryte]

Thank you, all of you.

I have a follow up question.  

Without getting too specific, DH and I realized this morning that it’s possible that my friend was estranged from her family.  

Heaven forbid, what if her mom and family don’t already know?  Is it possible that they were not notified, if they were estranged?

I’m probably over-thinking this.

I’m terribly sad today.  It’s a heavy weight.

 

 

 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

Thank you, all of you.

I have a follow up question.  

Without getting too specific, DH and I realized this morning that it’s possible that my friend was estranged from her family.  

Heaven forbid, what if her mom and family don’t already know?  Is it possible that they were not notified, if they were estranged?

I’m probably over-thinking this.

I’m terribly sad today.  It’s a heavy weight.

 

I'm very sorry about your friend.  

My mother and I were estranged for many years.  She died last September and I found out through social media a few weeks later.  If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't have known.  I did receive a letter from her attorney a few weeks after that to notify me as next of kin, so I would have found out anyway.  I don't know how that would work with your friend's family.  But if someone had sent condolences earlier, I would have been totally surprised.  

 

 

[katilac]

Ten months in? I'd be amazed if they didn't know. It was a homicide, so I imagine the police would have to notify next of kin. 

I think you're overthinking it, but I also understand freaking out over the possibility. Can you find out via social media? You could also call the police department in that jurisdiction and verify that they notified her family. 

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

 

I'm very sorry about your friend.  

My mother and I were estranged for many years.  She died last September and I found out through social media a few weeks later.  If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't have known.  I did receive a letter from her attorney a few weeks after that to notify me as next of kin, so I would have found out anyway.  I don't know how that would work with your friend's family.  But if someone had sent condolences earlier, I would have been totally surprised.  

 

 

I’m sorry you found out that way.  And for your loss.

 

This gives me something to ponder, I’m not sure how to find out if they know.  

[Spryte]

22 minutes ago, katilac said:

Ten months in? I'd be amazed if they didn't know. It was a homicide, so I imagine the police would have to notify next of kin. 

I think you're overthinking it, but I also understand freaking out over the possibility. Can you find out via social media? You could also call the police department in that jurisdiction and verify that they notified her family. 

 

I do tend to overthink things.  🙂

Nothing on social media.  No memorial or obit anywhere, but I found her Dad’s.

Calling the PD there is a great idea.  I’ll try that, and see what happens.  Thanks!

I think I’ll write the notes, and try to find out more before mailing.  I would just die inside if I broke her mom’s heart (again).

2020 can end any time now.  This year has been long and full of bad surprises.