What if you and your spouse are around each other *too* much?

[Colleen]

Does anyone else face this: What to do when you and your spouse see so much, there’s nothing new under the sun. I was thinking about this last night as I read a post from Elinor Everywhere. She mentioned sipping a glass of wine with her husband after he comes home from work, and talking about their day. I like the vision: Coming back together at the end of the day and sharing. But it isn’t our reality. Our reality is that we are around one another All the Time.

 

Even when my dh is working phenomenally long hours, he’s here, in a sense. And truth be told, neither of us has a whole heckuvva lot new to bring to the table. His work is fairly routine; it doesn’t bring him into contact with many other people or places. Because he works so much, he doesn’t really have any outside activities except when he plays soccer. He’s also not a reader. Meanwhile, I’m schooling the boys and life for me is fairly mundane ~ not necessarily in a bad way, just in a “Nothing new to report, especially if we already talked to you fourteen times throughout the day!†kinda way.

 

I know some of you whose spouse works away from home a great deal may envy this set-up. Some of you may wish your spouse didn’t have to travel on business. But believe me, there is something to be said for the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonderâ€. How Pa and Ma Ingalls did it day in and day out, I don’t know, but it can be maddening to be around someone so much and never have new territory to cover. (Come to think of it, Pa did seem to be gone hunting a good deal…LOL)

 

Please understand. I appreciate all the wonderful aspects of this way of life. I’m so glad our boys have room to roam; that they can be involved with the farm; that they can work and play alongside their dad on a regular basis. I’m just at a loss as to how to genuinely enjoy one another’s presence when it’s so ’round-the-clock. Anyone, anyone?

[gardenschooler]

Because he works so much, he doesn’t really have any outside activities except when he plays soccer. He’s also not a reader. Meanwhile, I’m schooling the boys and life for me is fairly mundane ~ not necessarily in a bad way, just in a “Nothing new to report, especially if we already talked to you fourteen times throughout the day!” kinda way.

 

I know some of you whose spouse works away from home a great deal may envy this set-up. How Pa and Ma Ingalls did it day in and day out, I don’t know, but it can be maddening to be around someone so much and never have new territory to cover.

 

You know, it is entirely possible to have nothing new to report even if you're away from each other for 12 hours a day. Or to simply not be all that interested in what the other has to report. Ask me how I know. :rolleyes:

 

I couldn't do it, I know I couldn't. I'd have to have an escape waaaaay on the other side of the property. For me, it's not so much seeking stimulating conversation, it's just that too much togetherness with someone so gregarious would kill me. He's a happy guy, but he wears me out. Everything is *exciting* to him.

 

I hope someone who is actually going through this will prove to be more helpful. I don't envy you having your dh around all the time, except for the fact that he probably has tons of time w/the boys. I also envy your lack of conversation.

[Kelli in TN]

I have mentioned on here that my husband has no choice but to retire at 57.

 

He is 51 years old.

 

Our youngest child is 8 years old.

 

Oh, I do not believe we can survive that much togetherness. He will simply have to find a second career of some sort.

 

(Ironically, Greta Lea and I were just talking about this very thing this afternoon at 4H!!)

 

That man cannot hang out with me all day while I am trying to homeschool.

 

No way.

[Colleen in NS]

Does anyone else face this: What to do when you and your spouse see so much, there’s nothing new under the sun. I was thinking about this last night as I read a post from Elinor Everywhere. She mentioned sipping a glass of wine with her husband after he comes home from work, and talking about their day. I like the vision: Coming back together at the end of the day and sharing. But it isn’t our reality. Our reality is that we are around one another All the Time.

 

Even when my dh is working phenomenally long hours, he’s here, in a sense. And truth be told, neither of us has a whole heckuvva lot new to bring to the table. His work is fairly routine; it doesn’t bring him into contact with many other people or places. Because he works so much, he doesn’t really have any outside activities except when he plays soccer. He’s also not a reader. Meanwhile, I’m schooling the boys and life for me is fairly mundane ~ not necessarily in a bad way, just in a “Nothing new to report, especially if we already talked to you fourteen times throughout the day!†kinda way.

 

I know some of you whose spouse works away from home a great deal may envy this set-up. Some of you may wish your spouse didn’t have to travel on business. But believe me, there is something to be said for the phrase, “Absence makes the heart grow fonderâ€. How Pa and Ma Ingalls did it day in and day out, I don’t know, but it can be maddening to be around someone so much and never have new territory to cover. (Come to think of it, Pa did seem to be gone hunting a good deal…LOL)

 

Please understand. I appreciate all the wonderful aspects of this way of life. I’m so glad our boys have room to roam; that they can be involved with the farm; that they can work and play alongside their dad on a regular basis. I’m just at a loss as to how to genuinely enjoy one another’s presence when it’s so ’round-the-clock. Anyone, anyone?

 

We have pretty much the same set up here, with dh being home most of the day and going out afternoons and evenings to work (self-employed, traveling guitar teacher) - so he is home a lot, too. And I do like that the kids get to see him a lot, etc. etc.. I know what you mean about not having new things to report about the day. I sometimes wonder if that's good or not, because of hearing about what another family's life is like, but then I just think, "who cares, we're fine with this phase of life." This is where we are at right now and we've come a long way from him being gone 12 to 14 hours a day at a low paying, stressful job. I'd rather have a more calm, "boring" life right now while raising my kids. :)

 

Oh, as to enjoying each other's presence - no profound thoughts. Although I did read somewhere one time that in a marriage (or really, life in general I suppose) that there are times of peaceful silence, and times of all sorts of interesting things to talk about. My current conclusion is that there are just phases to marriage, just like there are phases of kids growth. :)

[frogpond1]

in their own way. I don't know what to say, but it has its strengths and weaknesses. I cannot change the fact my husband works here, teaches with me and we have to work together all day long. I think of it as a refining time. Am I getting polished or just becoming an irritant. It takes a lot of giving up and selflessness to make it work, but hard things often work for our good.

[jail warden]

My husband worked 2nd shift and was gone from 2-11. I HATED it. He needed his down time of course, but it made me resentful when he'd just sit around and I'd be busting my butt teaching the kids and doing housework. He has Mon & Tues off right now instead of weekends and so we make Mon our Sat, but Tues can be really hard for me.

 

Last week he was sick and then he also had some vacation time and he was here for 10 straight days.:eek: I was so ready to see him go back to work. I don't know if it would be different if he were working when he was home, but I don't know if I could stand 24/7! He starts to pester me and bug me and it drives me NUTS!:p

[gardenschooler]

I have mentioned on here that my husband has no choice but to retire at 57.

That man cannot hang out with me all day while I am trying to homeschool.

 

 

I completely understand. Although he will be happy to take over 4-H, won't he? So better make sure that 2nd career is flexible!

 

I've already planned to go back to school or something - anything! - if my dh ever gets it in his head to retire. He will drive me bonkers, I know. Completely bonkers.

 

I can also empathize with Amy in Orlando, going from her dh working at night to a daytime schedule. I *need* my quiet time, day and night. But most especially night. (How's that working out, Amy?)

 

Maybe we need to start a message board for the dads? That would keep 'em busy, lol. ;)

[gardenschooler]

I feel kind of mean, posting this. I love my dh, really I do, he's just a little too exciting in large doses. My heart still goes pitter-patter every time I see him (now whether that's from true love or a seizure from overstimulation, we don't know!)

 

And sorry to hijack your post with all this silliness, Colleen. I'll stop now.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I sometimes wish my hubby could be around more. We miss him when he isn't here. Then he comes home. I enjoy having him around, but he is walking chaos. :) Both of us are glad he gets time to be away.

 

But don't think that you might have something to chat about is he was gone all day. Was Hans much of a talker when you were dating? Did he like discussing ideas and events? My hubby isn't much of a chatter. He is more of a doer. So the idea of lovely conversation over a glass of wine isn't ever going to be a reality around here. We'll enjoy going places together (particularly as the boys get older). We'll enjoy watching movies together. Luckily he reads as well, so we'll enjoy reading together. But deep conversations about thoughts and ideas? Probably not.

[JennifersLost]

That's our situation, too. We are together 24/7 and sometimes we irritate the heck out of each other, although I seem more susceptible to this than my dh does.

 

I made the conscious decision last fall to change things because I was beginning to suffer. Bear in mind it was a bit easier for me because some of my kids are in school now.

 

I had been waiting for dh to get an interest or work outside of our home so I could have some "home alone" time. I finally decided that was never going to happen, so instead I began to leave home.

 

I started by volunteering an hour a day, four days a week at my daughter's school. I found it got me out of the house, I chatted with other women, I ran errands on my way home and got home ready to get to work.

 

Now I only volunteer one day per week, but I do two exercise classes and I go out to lunch with other friends fairly often. I took over our car (we only have one and I used to sort of "ask" every time I took it. Now dh is the one who "asks")

 

I also set boundaries on my work at home. I told dh that I was putting a priority on my writing over my housework and availability to him. Again, our situations are different, but just doing that made a world of difference to our relationship. He used to pop in at any old time to ask for help, expecting I would drop what I was doing and help. Of course, I would, and I didn't even resent that - we are partners, after all - but it did make me feel as if I had a "boss" - someone whose need trumped my own. Now that I've made the line clear dh makes an effort to respect it, with the benefit of now instead of seeing and talking to each other all the time, we each do our respective jobs and have lunch dates together once in awhile. It makes it seem more special.

 

I'm not sure how helpful that is. I think what I'm trying to say is that maybe you have to go first, here. You have to get out for some Colleen activities. You have to subscribe to some new magazines, or listen to new radio programs or whatever it takes to make sure you are percolating along with new ideas and things to talk about. However you can manage it, make yourself less available to him (and thereby him less available to you).

 

If your husband starts appreciating that this makes life more interesting, then maybe he'll do his share, too. I have found that since I go out with my friends more, dh has started to cultivate his own friends more, too.

 

And this tending of boundaries has meant that even now that ds is back at home homeschooling, I will go out to lunch by myself or even with dh and NOT take him. He isn't offended and we all lead more interesting lives because we have time alone.

 

Be creative with this. Like you said you have all the pieces here - great family, great home, great husband, great you. It's just a few final tweaks to get it all really feeling like paradise.

[nancypants]

It is hard! My dh, while not a farmer, is a shepherd. ;) He offices out of the home and therefore we are together a great deal. I know how you feel. It was very hard adjusting to this five years ago but we have gotten used to it. I think we probably bicker more than your average couple just because there are so many hours more during the day in which we can have little run-ins. LOL Thankfully we know how to work things out...

 

I don't have a whole lot in the way of "solutions." I mean... there aren't any right?! LOL But I do know what you mean and "I feel ya." :o I just wish we had the "room to roam" factor! I envy that!

[Audrey]

With the exception of a few hours a week, my dh and I are around each other all the time, too. We talk... about anything and everything, not just what's going on for us personally. CBC Radio is an excellent source of conversation starters for us. I'm constantly surprising him and being surprised by him through our conversations. I'm also pretty comfortable just sitting in the same room with him and saying nothing at all.

 

We do share many similar likes and dislikes, though. I'm sure that's a huge factor. It's too bad Hans doesn't read, though, as that's something my dh and I share a lot. I'll read something and tell him about it. He'll read it and we'll talk about it. Or, vice versa.

 

We have slightly different takes on politics and religion which keeps those topics lively, but not volatile. We're both pretty active outdoors (when the deep freeze isn't at killer levels :rolleyes:) so that helps.

 

You know... I think I'm not offering you anything useful at all, am I? I guess I just want to let you know that it can work.

[WTMindy]

and I have nothing but respect for him, really!!! But....I would not do well with him being around all the time, nosiree-bob! The good news is that he feels the same way. :-)

 

Colleen, it sounds like a good time for you to take a little get-away, so you have something new to bring!

 

Speaking of trips, I don't think the passes are going to be good enough for my dh to want me to drive over to join y'all for the get-together! :( Someday!!

[Kelli in TN]

I feel kind of mean, posting this. I love my dh, really I do, he's just a little too exciting in large doses. My heart still goes pitter-patter every time I see him (now whether that's from true love or a seizure from overstimulation, we don't know!)

 

And sorry to hijack your post with all this silliness, Colleen. I'll stop now.

 

Well, you have the distinct advantage of having met my husband. So, you know, he's sort of ......loud. And he does not need personal space and he cannot understand why anyone would want something as lonely and sad as personal space.

 

And then I have all these hangups and phobias and of course a ginormous personal space issue. And like Heidi said of hers, mine is also walking chaos.

 

I love him, I really do, but 24/7 of he and I together and y'all would be seeing my picture on CNN.com with the caption "the suspect".

[Mama Lynx]

With the exception of a few hours a week, my dh and I are around each other all the time, too. We talk... about anything and everything, not just what's going on for us personally. CBC Radio is an excellent source of conversation starters for us. I'm constantly surprising him and being surprised by him through our conversations. I'm also pretty comfortable just sitting in the same room with him and saying nothing at all.

 

We do share many similar likes and dislikes, though. I'm sure that's a huge factor. It's too bad Hans doesn't read, though, as that's something my dh and I share a lot. I'll read something and tell him about it. He'll read it and we'll talk about it. Or, vice versa.

 

We have slightly different takes on politics and religion which keeps those topics lively, but not volatile. We're both pretty active outdoors (when the deep freeze isn't at killer levels :rolleyes:) so that helps.

 

You know... I think I'm not offering you anything useful at all, am I? I guess I just want to let you know that it can work.

 

Us, too. My DH often works from home. Right now, he has been home, without a job, for three months. We *never* lack for conversation. We talk about everything. He listens to and reads about politics, and I don't - so he tells me about those issues. I listen to and read about other things, and share those with him. He is always interested in what the boys are studying, especially history, and we talk about those things as a family.

 

Plus we share interests in movies, and music, etc.

 

Are there any interests outside of home and family that the two of you share? Sometimes, it takes some intentional work to create areas of interest in a relationship, if you've been neglecting that area.

[LNC]

My husband works out of of our home. We have adapted to eachother and become more alike over the years.

 

We talk about spiritual fellowship, politics, current events, the kids medical and developmental issues, our family and friends. We basically chat constantly :)

 

When they go to bed around 7pm, we read, surf the internet, watch a movie together etc.

[Amy loves Bud]

Well, Bud is here all the time, and so am I. His office is right down the hall and he is in and out of the kitchen while we do our schooling every day. We definitely know eachother's business, that's for sure!

 

But, we still sit down with wine and cheese one or two nights each week and just talk. Or veg. It doesn't really matter. When we do talk it tends toward politics or religion (as in how we are doing personally as opposed to theology, Bud's not a big reader either). Bud is funny. He makes me laugh every day. And somehow, he puts up with me so these times are nice.

 

Bud used to travel all.the.time. It was awful. But it was still an adjustment having him home all day, every day. But now I love it and I'd rather have him here every day with nothing to talk about than away from me.

 

Finally, and this may sound silly, but the thing that helps me most is to REALLY look at him, in the eyes, and smile several times each day. I'm not sure but maybe it makes me think about him instead of me, of him as an individual rather than the provider/father. Whatever the reason, it works.

 

FWIW, I was impressed that you two have B&B that you consdier your favorite and make plans to go. We do occasional getaways, but not usually to the same place, and I thought the idea of "our favorite B&B" just sounded very romantic!

 

I'm typing scattered thoughts one handed while nursing a baby, so I hope there is something helpful or encouaging here.

[battlemaiden]

You're right, I'm feeling a little envy just this minute.

 

That said, I have been pondering how this would look for my dh and I if we were to be nearby all-day-every-day. I can see there would be issues. ;)

 

Perhaps there is a challenge in growing deeper with one another and more empathetic towards one another in the midst of the monotony. I suppose in my situation it would truly challenge me to be more understanding of my dh. When I get frustrated with my dh now it rarely lasts long because he's off to work or sea. I guess I am able to avoid the true "rub" that might occur.

 

It's a challenge, no doubt about it. The fact that you recognize it probably means you are already adapting and overcoming. :p

 

Take care Colleen.

 

Jo

[6packofun]

Sometimes "new" for us has to involve trying a new activity to share! Nothing major, just another way to connect without feeling like we have to BE new and exciting or come up with something meaningful to say--hey, not much is gonna change at this point. LOL It does take a little work and creativity sometimes, though.

 

I say this as a wife whose dh has been home for the past 2 years looking for work and working from home. He's ALWAYS HERE. LOL (He recently got a PT job, though, so this is changing.)

 

My dh is especially good at finding things to do that we both enjoy. We both like to read so we will read a book together--fun fiction stuff, not parenting or marriage books! lol He recently bought this very cool Sherlock Holmes mystery type book that has clues in it and you read/solve as you go through.

 

Some of my favorite memories are from when we played the Myst computer games together! I'm *not* a gaming person at all, but together it was a blast!

 

Sometimes we just have fun ripping on politicians and other people in the news! LOL (Tell me we're not the only ones who do this!) We also like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and the Riff Trax that go along with movies on DVD--very funny stuff.

 

We have taken our horoscopes and tried to make them "come true" for that day. I dunno, stupid stuff like that. :p We write each other notes. ;)

 

I sometimes feel that we don't have much more to say that's new or mind-blowing, but now that we've been married 15 years it's the shared experiences that keep things new and interesting! And we still learn a little bit more about one another that way. Besides, there is something very comforting, romantic and even exciting about knowing each other so well that we can predict what the other will say or do or how they will "play." LOL I'm not really the romantic, gushy type, but the steady sharing of our lives and finding new ways to laugh together really gets me going. hehe

[Julie in CA]

At the end of the day, my dairy farmer dh pretty much knows all about my day already, as I pretty much know about his. We don't have a lot to talk about, and I find that we hash over the same subjects *way* too often. There are a couple of things that I've found helpful, though I'm not at all sure they'd work for everyone. My dh is also not likely to "branch out" into new things, either on his own or with me.

About every two years or so, I take a couple of classes from our local community college. I truly have all of the education that I need for my life's work, so I have great freedom to choose whatever sounds interesting or new to me. When I have a little bit of time with a new intrest of my own, it seems to help make conversations a bit less mundane and predictable with my dh.

I try to keep my own spiritual life alive and growing, so that I often have new "big thoughts" to share with my dh.

Also, I try to encourage my dh to take a little time off once in a while to pursue things he thinks sound fun, and then I try to find something about his interests that we can discuss.

Since my oldest is almost 17, driving on his own, and doing all of his schoolwork independently and at the community college, we've reached the stage where we can (pretty much on a whim) go out for the evening and rely on the kids to take care of themselves. We actually sometimes see movies now, and even if they're not very good we always find something about the movie to talk about. I'm finally seeing what the future might be like for my relationship with my husband. It looks good! :)

At least for our family, the middle years were chock full of mundane daily life. We had time together, but we didn't necessarily enjoy our time together. I hope you find, as I have, that as your boys mature, your conversations with Hans will regain a little "sparkle" from when life was less...well....routine.

Blessings,

Julie

[Colleen]

I appreciate all your replies, truly. And I am feeling somewhat emotional reading them. I am reminded that this is more than merely a "how do we handle being around each other so much?" issue. It is more than the fact that Hans isn't a reader, or a conversationalist. (Although he talks up a storm when we're in Switzerland.) Lord knows the last thing I want is to be subjected to a conversationalist at the end of each day.:p I don't know...The older I get, the more I realize how much I enjoy being independent. I like watching movies alone. I like traveling alone. I like, well, being alone. My favorite job ever was being a waitress. Loved connecting with a wide range of people on a daily basis ~ as long as I could walk away. I'm happy as a clam going "oot and aboot", having great discussions with people I don't know. It's spending ongoing time with people I do know that I find tiresome.

 

Hmm...well, that sounds really strange. I'm going to have to mull on this some more....

[Colleen]

I'm finally seeing what the future might be like for my relationship with my husband. It looks good! :)

 

That's really encouraging ~ particularly coming from someone else who shares the same realities in terms of farming, etc.

 

At least for our family, the middle years were chock full of mundane daily life. We had time together, but we didn't necessarily enjoy our time together. I hope you find, as I have, that as your boys mature, your conversations with Hans will regain a little "sparkle" from when life was less...well....routine.

 

Part of the trouble is that our life never was less routine. We have no one to blame for this but ourselves, but we had virtually no life together before we were farming and raising children. It's not a matter for us of recapturing what was, but trying to figure out how to create what can be, if you kwim.

[Amy in Orlando]

I have no advice for you, Colleen. After 18 years of Mike working two jobs and NEVER being here, he's suddenly here - every single night. I'm having a hard time adjusting to it (read understatement,;; I'm climbing out of my skin) . . . Mike is not a reader. He's not really much about talking about anything. It's hard. For me, it was much easier for him to be gone all the time. But, I'll figure this out.

[Colleen]

I have no advice for you, Colleen. After 18 years of Mike working two jobs and NEVER being here, he's suddenly here - every single night. I'm having a hard time adjusting to it (read understatement,;; I'm climbing out of my skin).

 

I hear you ~ and knew you'd understand what I'm saying (or some of it, anyway)...

[Julie in CA]

 

That's really encouraging ~ particularly coming from someone else who shares the same realities in terms of farming, etc.

 

 

 

Part of the trouble is that our life never was less routine. We have no one to blame for this but ourselves, but we had virtually no life together before we were farming and raising children. It's not a matter for us of recapturing what was, but trying to figure out how to create what can be, if you kwim.

 

I sure didn't mean to make it sound as though we had lovely, lively repartee before we were "married with children"! We've pretty much always been what we are now, I just think when our relationship was younger it all seemed so new. I think you can still have a lot of hope that the time you spend together will morph into something a lot more enjoyable as the years go by and your kids grow up. Not only have we become more appreciative of the time we spend together, but we've come to value the time we spend apart as well. I feel much more free to take independent challenges now than ever before.

If I had to describe our relationship, I'd (laughingly) say that our marriage has been an "ugly duckling" that I confess I never thought would turn into the incredibly wonderful thing we have now. We had no huge problems before, it was just white toast with no butter, jam, or marmalade. Things are a lot more tasty now!

I apologize if I've read a bigger question into what was a basic question about coping with dh around all the time, but I hope some tiny bit could be helpful and/or encouraging.

~Julie again~

[Liz CA]

I don't know...The older I get, the more I realize how much I enjoy being independent. I like watching movies alone. I like traveling alone. I like, well, being alone. My favorite job ever was being a waitress. Loved connecting with a wide range of people on a daily basis ~ as long as I could walk away. I'm happy as a clam going "oot and aboot", having great discussions with people I don't know. It's spending ongoing time with people I do know that I find tiresome.

 

Hmm...well, that sounds really strange. I'm going to have to mull on this some more....

I am very much the same way. Now that ds is in community college (3x a week all day) and occasionally spends nights at friend's house, I have days by myself and I treasure it. Just to be able to sit there and listen to nothing but silence.

Being able to eat what and when I want to, take walks and read books without interruptions and many other advantages.

So, being silent together is not a bad thing either IMHO.

:D

[Peek a Boo]

I hear ya, lol. dh and i went out on a date night. the last one we had was january of 2007. My dh is a pretty big talker about news and events [he loves right wing talk radio....24/7], but I've already HEARD all his speeches and phrases. his eyes will glaze over if i bore him w/ too much actual discussion that he hasn't heard on the radio. Maybe if I get one of those Darth vader voice changer things, but make it sound like Rush Limbaugh...... hmmm....... anyway......We sat down to wait at the restaurant. mostly just sat quiet. No kids to have to correct or laugh at. we're not the holding hands type. Even in the truck on the way there and back home after the movie: a few expected paragraphs about the movie but that was about it.

 

However, this doesn't really bug me. he does his thing, i do mine. We aren't particularly "close" and didn't have a Before Kids scenario either. I have my outlets and they don't mesh w/ his. he's a loner, I'm a social butterfly. he does read some things --Titanic stuff, political stuff, Space program stuff --but that's about it. Before we married he lived on his own for 12 years --he is absolutely comfortable working in the garage on his models, victrola, or building something w/ no interruption from us. he is so not interested in "taking up something together" lol. The closest we've gotten is in finding stuff for him:

hey--can you find me a dual trace oscilloscope?"

me: a WHA???

I google it. Pricey. email about it. no replies. Find one on Craigslist for $35. I pick it up for him while I'm out. wow! mission accomplished. Repeat for vacuum tubes. Repeat for old electronic repair books. Repeat for Titanic video. Find a discussion board about how to repair old radios and he's outta my hair for hours! etc.

 

I think I do understand a bit how you feel. Yeah, it IS strange compared to "most" other families. But if you are comfortable pursuing avenues for yourself, and HE is comfortable doing [or not doing] whatever it is he wants to do, and you are both at peace with your situation, then it doesn't have to BE strange. Mine is mostly a business kind of relationship. I stay with the kids, take care of the house, and homeschool [my choice], he provides the income, takes care of the yard and vehicles, and squashes roaches for me.

It works for us.

 

Does HE want a change, or is most of this *you* wanting to find a way to change/cope with the relationship a bit ? When you say "create" I kinda think you want something more/ deeper than what y'all have. That may or may not be forthcoming, but it is always a great thing to work towards.

 

On the surface I too would suggest starting something new that you can do as a couple. Shoot, it doesn't even have to be particularly fun or useful at first [unless you already have an idea]. Volunteering somewhere together? What is it he likes about Switzerland? But getting yourselves OUT of the Usual Situation can sometimes help. Looking at my first paragraph, this one night a year doesn't really cut it for us, lol. But then again we go lots of places anyway. Usually w/ kids tho! But when he's home for ten days straight, we HAVE to Go Do Something.

 

not really sure what else to offer, but good luck :-)

[Tami]

even though my husband works away from home, he is neither a conversationalist or a reader. I have found that interesting conversation is important to me. Really important!

 

Tell me if you think this is crass or insensitive. My husband has certain marital sweets that are important to him, just as conversation is important to me. I cannot say to him, "I am not a sex person." Done. That's that. Therefore, I don't accept the "I have nothing to say" routine very well.

 

I guess I get conversation rolling by keeping up on the news and giving him news headlines. He loves that, mostly.

 

He loves to talk about cars and sports, so if I am desperate for conversation, I WILL GO THERE. LOL! What does your husband love?

 

Although my dh is not a huge reader, he is happy to do a family read aloud at night. This often sparks conversation later.

 

My dh is willing to read books TOGETHER with me as couple time. We will read a chapter together, we both love RC Sproul, and that gives us fodder for discussion.

 

I am not a big movie person, but my dh is. I will watch good movies with him and then we can talk about them a little. Sometimes a funny line from a movie will become the catch phrase around here for a while!

 

Each year, we endeaver to do one outside activity or hobby together. Guys usually love to play! Check community ed book. Thiis year, we have been preparing for and teaching Sunday School together. It gets us talking!

 

 

I heard someone say today that imagination and creativity in a marriage is like compound interest. Just investing a little here and there adds up over time, compounds itself, and keeps the love tank FULL. I always admire those 8o year olds holding hands and talking away after all those years....

 

 

I haven't read the other posts yet, so some of this may be redundant.

[Tutor]

This is basically how my dh and I are as well. He does leave to go to class, and I lock myself away or head to the library to write, so we may interject work talk, but mostly we debate and discuss religion, politics, etc. Our biggest difficulty is the physical stuff (not the "physical stuff")... who does what chores, makes meals, etc. We like to talk so much that it can be hard to get outside and inside chores done simultaneously since we can't talk and work. LOL.

 

If we need quiet time, we just say so and grab a book or go for a walk or offer to run to the store.

[Robin Hood]

I had to laugh at your post his morning, I almost posted the same thing last night. I love being alone.

[FlockOfSillies]

And he does not need personal space and he cannot understand why anyone would want something as lonely and sad as personal space.

 

[snip]

I love him, I really do, but 24/7 of he and I together and y'all would be seeing my picture on CNN.com with the caption "the suspect".

 

And the media would be using your middle name too, just like they do with serial killers! LOL.

[Scarlett]

I have a difficult time figuring out what sort of person Hans is---I have the same problem with other posters---we have such limited info that we often conclude incorrectly. Every time I see a picture of Colleen I'm shocked because from her posts she seems so no nonsense, and clearly I equate that with big and rough looking...with frizzy hair....(yes I know I am weird), and then I see that Colleen is actually a very pretty, young looking, petite woman. shrug. Anyway, back to Hans....what IS he like Colleen? He doesn't read....but does he like TV? Does he like it when you tell him about something you've read? Do you have religion in common?

 

When you say you prefer the 'hit and run' type relationship, I wonder how Hans deals with that part of your personality.

[Colleen]

IEvery time I see a picture of Colleen I'm shocked because from her posts she seems so no nonsense, and clearly I equate that with big and rough looking...with frizzy hair....(yes I know I am weird), and then I see that Colleen is actually a very pretty, young looking, petite woman.

 

That made me smile. It is funny how some people envision others' appearances based on names or general personality. I tend to get a "fee" for someone's appearance when I talk to them on the phone ~ and sometimes when I see them in person the reality is quite different!

 

I'm going to back down just now from talking more about Hans' personality. Thank you for reading my post, though, and for caring.:)

[Scarlett]

Ok, I understand.

 

Without doing any spouse bashing, I will say about my own dh that he also doesn't read or listen to public radio or even enjoy the same sorts of movies I enjoy. Sometimes this annoys me MUCH more than others, but basically I just try to focus on the positive and find my outlets elsewhere with good girlfriends. And message boards. ;)

 

And fwiw, I would go insane if we were together all of the time. I like it when he goes away for business (which is rare), and after about 5 days I really start to miss him.

 

Last night Gone With The Wind was on and he rolled his eyes at the screen...but then I caught him watching it and being very interested in it and even expressing shock at some scenes. (maybe he's never watched it?) So there is hope for us. :) I do believe in seasons of marriage.

[Rosie_0801]

Make it a game? Whoever has the most interesting tidbit to report at the end of the day gets to watch the other wash the dishes. That'd be a motivator!! Eventually you'll both get back into the habit of finding something to talk about, then you can chat about it while you both do the dishes.

:)

Rosie

[Mrs Mungo]

As much as I miss my hubby when he is gone, I'm absolutely not envious of anyone whose hubby is home all day. That would drive me maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Our marriage isn't based on him being home all the time. :D

 

I think having hobbies outside the home and/or away from each other is a good start. I think people need their own things. It gives you something to do, something to share about.

[mcconnellboys]

I'm sorry! I'm no help, because when my husband tries to retire, I'm either going back to work, school, or finding some extended, involved hobby for him, LOL! It's just that he makes such a mess of the house when he's underfoot for extended periods of time, and he begins trying to find things for me to do ( I *have* an agenda already, thank you), OR he starts reorganizing the garage or some other room and then none of us can find a thing when we need it!

 

Yes, I agree that some space can be a good thing. Perhaps when your husband retires or the boys are a little older you can take up something that will give you some separate space away? I know that's still quite a ways out for you, so no immediate help. Could you occasionally travel on your own a little?

[Remudamom]

We're just like you only beef, not dairy! My dh plays the guitar now and then, but really doesn't have any hobbies. I just have the horses. We go out to movies/lunch whatever. I don't know the answer, sometimes we watch different movies in different rooms! Right now we're both on our different computers. It just doesn't bother us much, but we are much older than you are.

[summer]

My dh works from home. A couple of weeks ago, we were ready to kill each other. Instead, he left the house every day for a couple weeks in to the office that he technically has but never goes to. Honestly, he slept on the couch in his home office and barely came out for a week. Then at the end, he came out and apologized.

 

Even when he was working, we had nothing to share. I would ask about his day and he would just say he worked and there is nothing to tell. I would try to tell him about my day and he would tell me that this is my job, to take care of things and make the decisions and he does not want to hear about it. Then that is the end of it. So that is it. I wish we could sit and catch up on the day, or week, or otherwise. Instead, I figure eventually the children will leave for college. But by the time the last child leaves for college, the first child will be married and I will have grandchildren. DH is not in the best of health so he might not even be around anymore. I will throw myself in to my grandchildren at this point. I have 2 very sweet neices so perhaps I will throw myself in to them. I have been interested in starting up volunteer work again. I hope my sister will be available to spend retirement with me. I have grand plans for traveling and her relationship with her dh is much like mine, so I think as long as she is of good enough health, we will just travel and visit the grandbabies and so on until we die.

 

I do not like things the way they are, but God knows what he is doing and I will play the cards he dealt me. This is my hand. Overall, I think I hacve a pretty good hand. It is not a royal flush, but it is still pretty good.

[Kate CA]

Do you play games together? I know that might sound silly, but I have found that when my dh and I do this together it brings out all sorts of funny things we talk about - or don't and just enjoy being together. There are some games that work better for this (and maybe one or both of you don't like this) but I have been surprised that I enjoyed it.

 

AND my best recommendation is to come to CA to visit for an extended period of time. They will all really value you when you return. :tongue_smilie:

[Colleen]

Do you play games together? I know that might sound silly, but I have found that when my dh and I do this together it brings out all sorts of funny things we talk about - or don't and just enjoy being together. There are some games that work better for this (and maybe one or both of you don't like this) but I have been surprised that I enjoyed it.

 

I can see that. I love playing games. I'm always wishing he were into something like Scrabble, but pretty much any language-based game isn't going to capture his interest. Years ago we used to play a Swiss card game on an almost nightly basis. I honestly don't even know when we'd play a game together now. When do you do that? The boys are around us, to one extent or another, virtually all of the time we're together.

 

AND my best recommendation is to come to CA to visit for an extended period of time. They will all really value you when you return. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'll get there eventually ~ or at least convince you to meet me halfway!:D

[*LC]

My husband travelled full-time for his job for years. I joked he would have to go through retraining before he could work from home or even locally, because he always upset the routine so much when he was home. I know we would have driven each other crazy if we were together 24/7. We never had trouble coming up with things to talk about; a lot of our talks/comments were about little stuff that didn't matter to anyone else.

 

Because he was away so much, we were never able to do a Bible study together. Last year he was home for health reasons, and we started a Bible study. We loved it. It was great to hear each other's opinion on things that didn't come up in normal conversation. A lot of Bible studies are short, so maybe your husband would be willing to read those. We read on our own and then discussed the questions at night before we went to bed.

 

After he got sicker, my husband was in a hospital with recreational therapy that was designed to help him find his left side again. We played Connect 4 with him at a standing table. After he couldn't stand anymore, they gave us card games and a mental quiz game. Even brain damaged, he would regularly beat me and the therapists. Since your kids are always around, you could include them in the games. Or, they could have nightly reading while the adults play a card game.

 

I also agree with the read-a-loud time with the kids. I always found a lot to talk about in things I read to the kids.

 

Have you ever read to your husband? My husband was an avid reader. However, one year, we took a car trip and he couldn't read since he was driving. I read the book he wanted to read outloud to him. We enjoyed it so much we continued to read outloud once we stopped driving for the night.

[Holly IN]

My dh works during the day and I work in the evenings from 5:00 to 9:00/9:30ish. It STINKS!!! I miss our time together with the kids around. The kids are in bed before I get home if I do not get home until after 9:30. Our kids do not see us really spend any time together until the weekends. It hurts the kids really with this set up. My dh and I think of each other as best friends and do treat each other as such as well as being in love with each other. Do not think us a niave as we will be celebrating our 17th anniversary during the weekend of July 4th.

 

I wish I can spend time with my dh while the kids are awake. So they see that their mom and dad still loves each other and to also show them what marriage is all about. ;)

 

I would love for us to be able to reflect on our day in the evenigns. Yes I do know that too much time together cause friction. That is where we need to just step away for a few hours doing somethign around the house or going to the grocery store for items needed.

 

I do not think we can be around each other too much. Honestly!!

Holly

[Kate CA]

 

I can see that. I love playing games. I'm always wishing he were into something like Scrabble, but pretty much any language-based game isn't going to capture his interest. Years ago we used to play a Swiss card game on an almost nightly basis. I honestly don't even know when we'd play a game together now. When do you do that? The boys are around us, to one extent or another, virtually all of the time we're together.

 

We make time when the children are in bed. We *try* to have them in their bedrooms between 8-9. They are allowed to listen to story tapes, etc. but they are in their rooms. With the little ones we try for earlier, but don't always succeed. It is hard to get them to bed when it is still light out!

 

After they are in bed we will sometimes make that time to do something like that. Most of the time we enjoy watching something together or he will poke around on his computer and I will work or come here, etc. It is just mellow time with a glass of wine.

 

I'll get there eventually ~ or at least convince you to meet me halfway!:D

 

And I would love to make that work. But really, I want to come there - where it is cool and beautiful and I have no responsibilities! :tongue_smilie:

[Sugarfoot]

something funny that I heard about 10 years ago. I was recovering from the birth of my oldest DD (hence, the television time!) and Regis and Kathy Lee was on. Regis' wife, Joy, was guest-hosting. He was going on about "when I retire" and she suddenly burst out with, "Regis, on the day you retire I'm going out and getting a full-time job!" Sorry that doesn't help much. Once in awhile I quote this to my DH as a joke. I even leave in the "Regis."

[laughing lioness]

Fist of all, let me say that I can relate. My dh was home a lot more last year and he drove me nuts. He is very creative and intellectual and he always has a better way of doing everything: disciplining the kids, homeshcooling, cooking, laundry- argh. Great ideas but it can seem like a constant put-down. That being said :):)...

 

You mentioned Laura Ingalls Wilder and it got me thinking. We live about 1 hour SE of where she lived in SD - it is still "territory" out here! I can imagine what it would have been like 130 years ago and my hat is off to the settlers!! I think that what makes their story so endearing and a true classic is that, despite life's hardship, constant grunt work and mind-numbinglly mundane tasks, they found time to really experience joy and to celebrate together, they memorialized events, they captured the poignancy of life and death. Several examples from the books spring to mind.

I know that my personal struggle in life often centers around being in the moment, enjoying the journey, not looking towards "that" but finding the preciousness in "this."

My dh and I both work in the mental health field and we know that to have a marriage where we are both committed, neither are sex addicts, share the same faith, deeply love our children, have kids that listen, obey and respect us is a rariety. If we have nothing else, we are so far ahead of the game. But, often, it just doesn't seem like enough. I struggle with envying our friends who actualy take vacations, who pay their bills on times, whose parents support their decisions, whose dh's heads aren't in the clouds -lol!! anyway, you get the picture.

I've just come out of several months of dealing with a deep and bitter disappointment. But I am really committing myself to relate to my family on a deeper level. To build memories -we've been going to our little small town park almost every eve. It's hooky but we've gotten ice-cream a couple of times, I push the kids (even the bigger ones) on the BIG swings, we talk, I "look" at them hanging upside down on the monkey bars..it's meaningful to them, and it's about this time and this place.

anyhoo. I wax poetic. But I just couldn't stop thinking about it and had to come back and post.