Night Elf Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 :rant: I took Allie (10) clothes shopping. She is overweight, yes, but a very happy little girl. She was in tears saying she was fat and couldn't fit into anything! First we tried Limited Too but they were out of her size except for jeans which didn't fit her well. They were too tight on her bottom and thighs and then flared out at the feet and of course were like 6 inches beyond her toes! So we walked next door to American Eagle and tried on some junior sizes. That was the last straw for her. I kept telling her it was the style, not the sizes, but all she saw was that they weren't fitting and we were having to go up sizes and she still couldn't pull them up over her bottom. She came home in tears, just sobbing big crocodile tears. After she calmed down, I ordered her clothes from Limited Too online. They won't get here until after Thanksgiving though. The only other place that we know of that sells half sizes is JC Penney and she rarely finds anything she likes at that store. Then... She also told me that at school some girls were freaking out about her not believing in God. Allie was baptized at age 6 and loved going to church. But we moved away from our church. She's gotten older and started asking more questions and my non-churched husband has influenced her thoughts and she says she doesn't believe anymore. The ONLY reason she went to public school was to be around other kids because she has no friends outside of school. And now the girls were telling everybody that Allie was going to hell. She's nervous about going back to school this week and is torn between public school and homeschool. My heart hurts so much for her. It seems like her choices are to be lonely and bored as a homeschooler or attend public school and have 1 friend while the other kids tease her. We can't move because of the economy. There are no homeschool things to attend nearby. We tried making friends and finding classes and activities but because we have no resources she chose public school instead. I'm working full-time, 7am to 4pm, at a childcare center. The school is privately owned and the owners are really nice, decent people. They have a teacher shortage already. One of my co-workers actually walked out yesterday but she's 19 years old and was getting upset that she couldn't text on her cell phone literally all day long. When I expressed concern about being able to continue working last week, the owners were so upset. They really need me and it would be really, really bad if I quit. Things just seem to be falling apart left and right lately! Of course I knew when Allie went to school that it wasn't going to be the right thing for her, but she's so absolutely desperate for friends. She's such an awesome young lady. I just feel like we're all a big ole mess right now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 On the clothing, try Sears, Old Navy, and Land's End. They all carry "plus" or 1/2 sizes for girls. I even found some 1/2 size jeans at Walmart for my 11dd. She wasn't fitting in the reg. sizes either. She is just very short for her age but going through puberty so she is getting bigger and curvier and the reg. girl sizes don't allow for curves. This is such a hard age for girls and girls can be down right cruel to each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 How frustrating, I'm sorry. :grouphug: I see 3 separate issues here, the clothes, the teasing about faith, and your job. If you need to quit your job to homeschool I wouldn't worry about the owners, that is part of business, don't let them hold you captive to a job. Granted if you need the money that may be another issue, but I have stayed at jobs longer than I wanted simply because I did not want to offend the owners by quitting, because I knew they NEEDED me. We are replaceable to a business, but not to our families. The clothes issue I get. As soon as puberty hit I had hips, a tush, and short arms and legs. It was horrid to find clothes. I remember buying jeans in the boys dept because they fit better. I still struggle with finding well fitting clothes because I have short legs, but I'm not a petite and I'm not a woman's size. Nothing gets me more emotionally distraught than a bad shopping day and I'm 41. No real advice there, but hugs for her. As for the teasing in public school that sucks. Are they teasing her about her decision for her faith, or are they playing concerned christian? Kids can be mean and 10 is about the age I was teased for my long curly hair. Can you arm here with some witty comebacks that she could spit out and try to move on? Or is going back to homeschooling a possibility. we don't have many friends. My dh is self-employed. there are no homeschool activities near us and thankfully the kids next door are great friends to ds. We deal with the friends issue too. It's a struggle, but it would be a different struggle if he were in public school. Are there any sports teams, library groups, or anything extra curriucular that she could join? the more I write this the more I just want to hug your dd. You should be proud that she is tellling you all of this, I never told my mom about some of the teasing issues. She obviously trusts you to confide in and that says a lot about you as a mother. :grouphug: I hope you are able to find a reasonable solution for all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 My DD is overweight and shopping for clothes has been horrible for years. The junior sizes are the worst! She finally grew tall enough to be in adult sizes and that has made all the difference in the world. Do y'all have Academy stores in your area? They have half-size jeans. We also had better luck with low-rise jeans. Maybe you could find a size that will fit, then get them altered for length. I am sorry the girls at school are not being nice to your DD. Girls at this age are just not nice in a pack. Blech. DD is in homeschool enrichment classes every Wednesday. The girls there are clique-y and completely exclude my DD. I wondered if DD was exaggerating until one of the teachers pulled me aside and talked to me about it. She had noticed it and was trying to improve things. Fun, fun. :grouphug: :grouphug: to you and your DD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I was going to suggest Sears for clothes, too. They have cute, hip things in 1/2 sizes, even Levi jeans. As for the other, I have no suggestions, just :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 :grouphug: to you and your dd. I hated being 10. And 11. And 12. Oh and 13-18. I think its just the way it goes. As for the clothes, neither my dd nor I are overweight and we can't find decent clothes that fit, either! Both of us need to go up sizes to get them to go over our hips and then they are 6" too long (or worse yet, don't cover everything if we bend over!!). Body shape aside, I think its just the poorly designed styles. I would suggest Sears also; they've drastically upgraded thier lines over the past few years. I can suggest Levis, because they have so many different styles (some are better than others), and they are the ONLY jeans that fit me. Regarding her faith, well, discussing faith is a lot like discussing politics. Save it for the near and dear. She can feel confident by educating herself and forming her own opinions, so she can have a valid discussion - with those who have done the same, not with other children, generally. Again, :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I'm sorry you are in such a bad spot. Hope the holiday week will cheer both of you. I hate clothes shopping in the base case. Your dd is a trouper for trying on so many clothes:grouphug: Agreeing with others who said this is an awkward, hard age. Could she wear sweat pants or dresses? I also wouldn't worry about the school "needing" you - you can't solve all their problems. Your daughter needs you more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camibami Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 If you live in Virginia, my DD would love to be her friend! The clothes shopping is horrid at this age whether a child is overweight or not, IMO. My DD is not overweight, but is quite curvy. She's an 8 in pants for length and waist, a 12 for her bum! Its impossible to find jeans-! She wears 10s which are skin tight on her rear and gap still at the waist, but thats the closest we can get. There are no "curvy kid" cuts in kids sizes, I guess. Shirts are a nightmare too- everything is cut so low in the armpits or chest, and it shows her bra. All summer she just wore t shirts. Winter has helped with that, at least. So please let her know clothes shopping just *stinks*, once a girl is out of little kid sizes, its allll downhill. I include adult clothes in there too! Poor kid, give her hug from me. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Clothes shopping can be the worst--your poor dd isn't alone in having a hard time getting things that fit right. We should all pool our money together and pay someone to custom make our kids' clothes. :001_smile: As for the girls at school, have your read "Queen Bees and Wannabes?" It might give you some strategies for helping your daughter deal with the bullies. I wish you lived close by. My girls would love to be friends with your dd--she sounds like a great kid! I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't make any decisions based on your boss's needs. Your family's needs come first. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I think you've had some excellent advice. I'll add a few more things: 1) pay no attention to size. Model paying no attn to sizes so your dd will pick this up. The size of the item doesn't matter. Sizes vary from store to store, from designer to designer. What matters is fit. I think it's Tim Gunn who says if it really bothers you, cut the tags out. Nobody will know the size, they'll know how well the clothes fit. 2) Alterations are your friend. An expensive friend, yes, but your friend nevertheless. I would have considered getting the way too long pants & having them altered. So long as you're starting with something too large, a good seamstress can make it work. Don't expect things to fit you off the rack. 3) Preview shop without her. This has been a life saver for me on so many fronts. I have measurements of my kids in my wallet. What works best is actually not measurements OF them, but of clothes that fit them lying flat. I do a quick run through stores which I think might have something & pre-measure items, make a list & then bring the kid shopping. It might seem longer but actually it removes the wandering around with the kid & I think actually saves time and a lot of grief. We just burst in, try on a bunch of preselected things; if they work, great, if not, we go home & try again another time. I never go around a mall with them 'just to look' & see what we find....... Oh & on the other front, I'd choose lonely & bored :D :grouphug: to you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I'd choose lonely and bored too (like the post above) over surrounded by a crowd of taunting little girls. I lived for my lonely boring summer vacations just to get away from the taunting little girls when I was in school. :iagree:that your 1st responsibility is to family and not job; even though the job people are sweeties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Also, capris are more forgiving in length than jeans. My DD has the opposite problem--she is too thin. By the time standard sizes fit her waist, they are way too short for her. But capris work fine. Limited, Too in our area does have great half size fashions. I think that Old Navy does as well, and they are little more reasonably priced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 also has girls plus sizes. Cute things, too! We were there last week and honestly, that department had the best selection of all the girls/juniors areas! As far as friends, you know, it only takes finding one good one to make all the difference in the world. Is there anyone at all she likes at school? My dd is not chummy with the girls in her grade level, but there are a couple whose company she really enjoys at lunch time. If you can identify one girl to start and invite her over for a play day, that might work. It's tough to watch your kid hurt, especially when you know she'd be a great, loyal friend to another girl. If only they could see what you see. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 :rant: I took Allie (10) clothes shopping. She is overweight, yes, but a very happy little girl. She was in tears saying she was fat and couldn't fit into anything! First we tried Limited Too but they were out of her size except for jeans which didn't fit her well. They were too tight on her bottom and thighs and then flared out at the feet and of course were like 6 inches beyond her toes! Both of my girls (10yo & 12yo) are overweight. They are girls who would *love* shopping, but instead we have found it to be a miserable & degrading experience most of the time. It has been a struggle to help them through their longing for the "cute" things they see in stores, but know they won't fit. Amazingly, we've found some relief by shopping the women's petite section. The clothes fit better than I'd ever have hoped, and I don't dread taking them shopping when they need new clothes, other than the prices (yikes!). I'm so sorry that your dd is experiencing so many hard things at once. Hang in there, things are bound to get better. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Gosh, that breaks my heart that a child so young would already be thinking she is "fat." And, for other kids to tease her and tell her she is gonig to HELL. OMG! What church do they go to? Do they not realize God is the final judge and not them? I mean, I am a Christian, but I hope to goodness my kids would never go and tell someone who doesn't believe that they are going to hell! I would rather them talk about their faiths and talk about God to the child and not judge. Gosh! That is just horrible! I am so sorry that you are going through this...I know how much it hurts your heart for your child to be hurting this way. My son was bullied last year and had a similar experience with barely any friends and kids teasing him. He was not keen on homeschooling at first, but now he would never go back! *hugs to you and sweet Allie* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Yep - you have three things. On the work, do you have to work? If so, could she come with you at least for a while. I know my Alexis would love to go to a childcare center with me. For a while, I thought of and tried to logistically work out how to do a home daycare. Could you find a more child-friendly work schedule? That is a hard age. If she wasn't teased about her religion, it would be something else. My son is tall which meant that at 10 he had huge feet. He was teased about clown feet or about the shoes he wore - even if weeks later other kids would be wearing the same shoes. They'd tease him about his hair, his doodles on his hands, the books he'd read, him finishing his work early, or getting assigned extra work for the talented and gifted program. As he started to get taller than the other kids and stand out more, the teasing got worse and more brutal. He tried harder and harder to just disappear. That is part of what led us to homeschooling, had I been able, I would have taken him out much sooner. I have no advice. I was teased in elementary school because I was small, but I had also had bigger, meaner cousins and had learned to fight back, so I never stayed the object of teasing for long. Poor Allie, teasing hurts and it hurts for a long time. Find her some sort of verbal or emotional weapons to use to defend herself. It isn't about relgion as much as it is about them trying to hurt her feelings. I hate clothes shopping. I do it all online. I find some companies that I like and have stuff in the range (price, style, quality, measurements) I like and I order a couple of styles of basic things in a couple of sizes, try them on the kid, send back what doesn't fit then order more of what does. :grouphug: hugs to you both. Now, if you are in Colorado, I know a good secular group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Thanks ladies! Allie and I appreciate the posts. She doesn't want to leave school yet. She's been talking about THINKING about homeschooling. I told her I'd leave my job and stay home full-time again. She says she feels guilty but I told her that she shouldn't feel guilty because it was my choice and my children and family are definitely more important than my working right now. The money I've been bringing in has been very helpful to our budget, but it's not truly essential. Neither my DH nor I really wanted her to go back to school but her crying daily was heartbreaking. She was truly lonely. We did try looking for things to do. It seemed like nothing turned out the way we hoped. She made friends with two girls at separate times, but they were already friends. That was the problem that pushed her over the edge and back into public school. She tried for 2 months to get together with them and they always told her they just didn't want to get together. They were the only girl homeschoolers her age that we could find in our area. I've heard suggestions that it shouldn't matter how far I drive for a friend for my daughter, but the truth is that it does matter. I have 2 other children and a husband to include in the equation. She does go to work with me. My job has aftercare as well and she rides over in the childcare van after school. That way we can ride home together. If she wasn't in school, she could still come and hang out with me. The owners like her a lot. But I don't really see it as a regular thing. Besides, if she wasn't in school, it would probably be lots better if I were home full time again. I wish things could be simple! I think I'll talk with the owners again this week and tell them I'll work through December. I can take Allie out of school after this semester is over. It's worth serious consideration. I'll have to talk to my DH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tibbyl Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Night Elf, we experienced the same friends issue with my youngest who had strong need for socialization with a group of peers. The Girl Scout troop she joined already had long-established cliques which she couldn't penetrate. The kids she met in the large h/s group had social lives that revolved almost strictly around church activities. We did find a secular h/s group where we met some friends. Also, I belonged to a local inclusive yahoo h/s list, and, although it happened over course of few years, we met a few really wonderful families through the list, one of whom happened to move into our neighborhood. I remained on the h/s list even after youngest enrolled in public school. We continue to host periodic h/s teen nights in our home. Public school was like a larger version of the scout cliques, which is not surprising since the scouts attended the ps where she was enrolled. What friendships she has formed in ps seem to be somewhat superficial and fleeting. My secular neighbor, who has 6 kids 12 and under, has started her own secular h/s park day for people in our part of town. She posted flyers at local branch libraries, green grocer, community center, etc. She has had a good response, and people actually did show up at the designated time. The same strategy could be applied to weekend/evening get togethers for secular families. You might also look for secular families at meetup.com or at some of the social networking sites. Another suggestion: check out your local unitarian church or liberal quaker meetings if available. Since these denominations teach that there is not just one path to enlightenment, the kids will not be quite as likely to make the going-to-hell taunts. Additionally, although Allie may be a bit young for this, it is something to think about down the road. My kids have enjoyed the people they have met through participating in certain projects with our local peace and justice center. I sure can empathize with Allie's plight re friends. It is especially hard to make friends when one lives in area that is not transient and diverse. In these type settings, many people have had same circle of friends for their lifetime. Not being a part of the predominant religion of the community makes it all that much harder. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in the NH Woods Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 My 16 yr. old had the very same issues at your age, so we totally understand! My daughter has a curvy figure, and is ALWAYS receiving complements on her outfits and style. Lately, she has been choosing my outfits, and advising me! I love it! Here are a few things she recommends: accessories~ scarves, cute necklaces and small earrings, headbands, bracelets, HATS wrap-around or longer denim skirts, with fashionable leggings or leg warmers pretty bags or purses tops with wider cuffs, that draw attention away from the waist don't tuck your shirts into your pants; try gauchos with a pretty shirt wear your belts loose keep your nails and hair pretty and well-groomed avoid baggy or high cut coats and don't be afraid to do something different! My dd also says to avoid American Eagle's jeans. T. J. Maxx and Target can have good inexpensive stuff. Also, don't spend too much because her shape will change all over the place. Focus on bargains (Hey, look at this great deal! ) rather than on size. Hugs to you both, Cindy & Fashionista Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Ten months or so ago, my 9yo dd was terribly lonely. Then she met a kindred spirit (in the body of another 9yo) at the 4-H dog club. And re-met a 10yo boy who had previously been her nemesis but now was quite acceptable as a friend. Then she met another 9yo girl at our food co-op. Now she would be on the phone constantly if I let her, and according to comments she has made, considers herself to be quite the social butterfly. The change was dramatic and occurred practically overnight. I would suggest trying special interest clubs, like 4-H or pets, American Girls, etc. It might also be helpful if you are willing to help organize a new group, so that none of the children have any seniority and cliques haven't had time to form. I started a homeschool 4-H club partially for just this purpose. It has been a blessing to our family and to the others who have joined. I think that once dd had the opportunity to befriend another girl her own age, she worked through some of her anxiety issues and became better able to make friends with other children. I think she also was able to lower her standards a little and not go around holding out for the perfect friend, accepting good enough instead. I think some girls this age expect to find a "BFF" soul mate (Best Friends Forever--someone had to explain this to me a while back, I am always a bit late on the trends:D) Regarding the cracks about religion, I agree that it probably had a lot less to do with religion than just picking on something that made your dd different. If it wasn't her beliefs, then it would have been your economic status or her choice of clothing colors or whatever. Children this age can be terribly vicious. In the past, due to more parental involvement and less acceptability in society, it was often more subdued. But now, with so many children left on their own to raise themselves, and the lovely model provided by television of smart-mouthed kids constantly cutting down even their own friends, it is extremely prevalent and very hateful. So that's what worked for us--starting a couple of new clubs, definitely homeschooling, and capitalizing on friendship skills when they first began to appear. Honestly, it has been very taxing for me but that was the price that had to be paid to put an end to dd's loneliness. It is somewhat easier now (a year later) and I hope will continue to get even better in the future. Now the tasks at hand are enforcing reasonable phone time privileges, balancing play dates, and and learning how to juggle friends and acquaintances at the same time....it's always going to be something;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 (edited) :rant: I took Allie (10) clothes shopping. She is overweight, yes, but a very happy little girl. She was in tears saying she was fat and couldn't fit into anything! First we tried Limited Too but they were out of her size except for jeans which didn't fit her well. They were too tight on her bottom and thighs and then flared out at the feet and of course were like 6 inches beyond her toes! Girls clothes are wierd! My DD doesn't fit into a lot of things either, and her weight is right at 50% at the drs. These clothes are made for stick thin teen bodies, not pre-puberty healthy growth-spurt having girls! I was getting angry when we went shopping. She also told me that at school some girls were freaking out about her not believing in God. Allie was baptized at age 6 and loved going to church. But we moved away from our church. She's gotten older and started asking more questions and my non-churched husband has influenced her thoughts and she says she doesn't believe anymore. The ONLY reason she went to public school was to be around other kids because she has no friends outside of school. And now the girls were telling everybody that Allie was going to hell. She's nervous about going back to school this week and is torn between public school and homeschool. How horrible! Witty comeback? How about "There is no hell." There have to be other kids who don't believe as these girls. I find it very hard to believe that they all agree.:glare: My heart hurts so much for her. It seems like her choices are to be lonely and bored as a homeschooler or attend public school and have 1 friend while the other kids tease her. We can't move because of the economy. There are no homeschool things to attend nearby. We tried making friends and finding classes and activities but because we have no resources she chose public school instead. I'm working full-time, 7am to 4pm, at a childcare center. The school is privately owned and the owners are really nice, decent people. They have a teacher shortage already. One of my co-workers actually walked out yesterday but she's 19 years old and was getting upset that she couldn't text on her cell phone literally all day long. When I expressed concern about being able to continue working last week, the owners were so upset. They really need me and it would be really, really bad if I quit. Can she come with you? She could have friends there maybe? They have kids her age on no school days and b4 and after school? Things just seem to be falling apart left and right lately! Of course I knew when Allie went to school that it wasn't going to be the right thing for her, but she's so absolutely desperate for friends. She's such an awesome young lady. I just feel like we're all a big ole mess right now! I'm sorry! :grouphug: :grouphug: Oops! I just read the other replies... Going to work with you won't work. Edited November 24, 2008 by Lovedtodeath Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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