Middle school kids getting together away from school

[SKL]

My kids want to get together with their friends at Wendy's and a public park.  They are looking to me to coordinate this with the parents of all the other kids etc.  My thought is, you guys make a plan via text and whoever shows up, shows up.

The kids are 12 & 13, and at least some would need a ride to the meeting place(s).

Am I wrong?  Do I need to go back and forth with each parent in order for this to happen?  Or should I just send out a text and say, "the kids say they and their friends have plans to meet at ___ [place, day, time].  Just want you all to know that we will be there from ___ to ___.  See you there if you can come."

Or what is the protocol if none of the above apply?

In the past, I have contacted each parent with all the details and arranged all the kids' transportation etc.  But that was for special events / whole evenings, not simply "meet at the hamburger joint and then hang at the park."

 

[Storygirl]

I would send out a group text. DD13 has just finished seventh grade, and, although the kids make plans by texting each other, adults still need to be involved.

DD did suggest friends gather at Chipotle for lunch on the last day of school this week, and people showed up without any parents chiming in. The kids sat together, and the moms sat together. But we were all coming from the school, and most were going back after the lunch break for a final ceremony.

Also this week, DD was invited to spend the night with a friend, and the friend's mom texted me.

We did have a situation a few months ago, where DD and a friend made plans to meet at a movie at a certain time, and then DD just informed us. DH took her to the theater, and there was no friend there. They called, and the friend was still in bed and her parent had no clue that a movie was planned. After that, we told DD that we had to connect with a parent before plans could finalized.

DD's group of friends seems to be trying to arrange a gathering at a friend's house tomorrow, and DD is even telling me that she can get a ride there. I don't really believe it until I see some evidence that a parent has approved, since it involves showing up at someone's house.

It sounds like what you are doing is most like our Chipotle gathering. I think if you send a message out to parents, they will feel assured that the plan is real and is happening and not just a whim of their kid, and they will be more likely to show up.

[J-rap]

At that age, my kids would probably be contacting the kids themselves to plan it, assuming that each kid would in turn ask their parent.  If I was going to be there too, then my kids would tell that to the other kids, I guess with the assumption that if their parents questioned it they could call me.

That said, we live in a fairly small community which has always felt very safe, and there really aren't too many places to hang out!

[DawnM]

When my kids were that age (and I still have a 9th grader who doesn't drive), they plan it and ask for rides.  

[Pippen]

55 minutes ago, HeighHo said:

At that age, the dc would do it all.  Assume each dc has parental permission to participate if they show.

If I was providing a ride to anyone, I would verify that it is okay with the parent.

Ditto

[Wheres Toto]

I"m pretty sure with my oldest, the kids made the plans and the parents just drove.  They did movies, restaurants, all kinds of stuff this way.  But they were also in school seeing each other every day.

I think with my homeschooled kids, I'd probably shoot the quick text.  Kids who aren't necessarily seeing each other every day, I feel like the plans might not be quite as solid.   Unless the meet-up was close by and I was okay with hanging out there for a little while even if nobody showed up.

My youngest wanted to make plans to meet an online friend.  I suggested the Museum of Natural History because it was about 1/2 way for both families and I figured it would be less awkward with a place to walk around and look at stuff.  In that case, I told dd that the parents DEFINITELY needed to talk.  No way was I driving into NYC  without verification.  It worked out and the girls had a great time.

[mlktwins]

My boys are going into 9th and don't have phones (although they are getting them in June).  It's been hard to make plans as kids text these days - no email or calling.  Until last year, I was best friends with their best friend's mom (long story why none of are friends anymore 😞 ) so getting together was never an issue.  The 2 other boys they hang with the most text me or I text them and I am friends with their parents.  I don't mind their friends coming here, but DH works from home so they can't just invite people over without asking me first.  We are going to a movie this weekend with one of the friends and I have texted with the friend to make plans (would be awkward if the kid didn't like me as much as I like him -- LOL) and I just text his parents to make sure they know.

As they get their phones and branch out into new groups of friends that are also continuing to homeschool high school, more get togethers will come about and they will be able to set things up mostly themselves.  Mine will be swimming for 2 hours a day, 6 days a week starting in September, in addition to taking 2 outsourced classes and volunteering, so my guess is their spare time will likely be much needed downtime at home.  Most of their PS friends also swim for our neighborhood team so my boys are happy to see them 6 days a week for 2.5 months :-).  

[Carrie12345]

I feel like it’s really dependent on the actual kids involved. If they’re not all electronically connected, I’d help with the communication. If I were expected to “chaperone”, I’d definitely be communicating directly to parents.  But, generally speaking, that IS the age at which I try to start putting my kids in charge of making their own plans. (And then confirming that times/dates/locations work for me.). Not because I think they should be able to handle it just fine, but because I want them to practice as they get older.  So, yeah, if their group does need help, I’d help.

I have kids about to turn 16 and 17, and still run into a couple of parents who play social secretary and expect me to be handling “play date” details, too.  No, thank you.

[Guest]

Group texts are pretty common (or various apps with the same function for kids without phones yet) with parents following up to verify that C’s mom is going to pick up ABCD, take them to Y venue at Q time, and that D’s mom is going to retrieve them at Z venue in walking distance from Y at R time. Parents still have to be involved, but usually all the details get worked out and presented as a plan  (I get a lot of “mom, am I doing anything Friday night?”)

I will say that there are also a decent number of venues where one mom will take a carload and just hang out, either because the venue isn’t entirely friendly (the first question a group of teens will get while shopping is “where’s your mom”, so it’s not uncommon for a mom to go and hang out in the food court while girls look at dresses for a dance, so there is an adult in easy texting range) or because sometimes it is good for the kids to be able to leave quickly (unfortunately, fights aren’t all that uncommon in many of the teen-friendly venues in my area, so sometimes a parent will stay on site or in the car so the kids CAN exit if things seem to be getting tense). 

 

Edited May 24, 2019 by dmmetler

[gstharr]

interesting because I am going through this now with the 8th grader.  He has the final week of school off, so that he can work on a final middle school group project. He has formed a 5 boy group, they have planned the community service, coordinated the filming and presentation. A couple of overnights are involved (that they have worked out among them and discussed with the hosting parents) .  So far no  involvement on my part,-- not even talking to the other parents other than dropping off.

[rjand6more]

My middle school(grade 7-8) make plans and then just whoever shows up, shows up!  They choose a movie, fast food, mall, etc.  Rides are mostly their own parents or it's their own responsibility to coordinate that.  DD will often ask if I can give a friend or 2 a ride.  That way, she at least knows there will be 3 of them at any outing.  If there are boys, there must be at least another girl there.  I mean, it's not like a birthday party where you have to pay ahead or anything.

 

ETA: If I am dropping off at a person's house, I will give the mom a quick text to confirm.:)  Sometimes kids don't communicate well.:)

Edited May 24, 2019 by rjand6more

[sassenach]

In middle school, they plan, they arrange rides, they do all the texting. My roles were as follows: 1) if they were going to someone's house I call and verify that a parent will be present and is aware that their house is being invaded, 2) I'm often the parent that gives other kids rides (my kids will say, "so and so needs a ride, can we pick them up?").

That's it. I definitely was never the person coordinating or texting parents.

[sassenach]

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I feel like it’s really dependent on the actual kids involved. If they’re not all electronically connected, I’d help with the communication. If I were expected to “chaperone”, I’d definitely be communicating directly to parents.  But, generally speaking, that IS the age at which I try to start putting my kids in charge of making their own plans. (And then confirming that times/dates/locations work for me.). Not because I think they should be able to handle it just fine, but because I want them to practice as they get older.  So, yeah, if their group does need help, I’d help.

I have kids about to turn 16 and 17, and still run into a couple of parents who play social secretary and expect me to be handling “play date” details, too.  No, thank you.

 

That's bizarre. 

[prairiewindmomma]

What you suggest is how we handle it at our house. I sometimes get back a text "So and so has another commitment and can't make it", and sometimes I don't. 

[Emba]

DS is 5th grade, so maybe a bit younger than you’re talking. But I expect him to at least start making the arrangements. After an incident this year, though, I’m in the trust but verify camp. I don’t do anything till I hear from a parent.

He called me from school and asked if he could go home on the bus with his friend. I was assured that said friend had asked his mom, and she would bring him back. I was busy that day, and it was the only way it would work.

Then after school, when DS was already at the friend’s house, friend’s mom called and asked when i’d be picking up DS. One or the other of the boys was completely lying about what conversations had taken place/permissions had been given. She had an appointment and could not bring DS home, and the first she knew about the whole thing was when both boys got off the bus.

since both of us are out of the actual school district but in opposite directions, this meant my DH driving 45 min. one way to get DS. 

If we lived in town, maybe I wouldn’t be so hardline about hearing from a parent. Drive 5 minutes, no one shows up, big deal. Drive half an hour, though, and I get irritated.

[Bluegoat]

My kids started handling such things themselves at that age.  If they needed drives or something they arranged it.  

[Bluegoat]

3 minutes ago, emba56 said:

DS is 5th grade, so maybe a bit younger than you’re talking. But I expect him to at least start making the arrangements. After an incident this year, though, I’m in the trust but verify camp. I don’t do anything till I hear from a parent.

He called me from school and asked if he could go home on the bus with his friend. I was assured that said friend had asked his mom, and she would bring him back. I was busy that day, and it was the only way it would work.

Then after school, when DS was already at the friend’s house, friend’s mom called and asked when i’d be picking up DS. One or the other of the boys was completely lying about what conversations had taken place/permissions had been given. She had an appointment and could not bring DS home, and the first she knew about the whole thing was when both boys got off the bus.

since both of us are out of the actual school district but in opposite directions, this meant my DH driving 45 min. one way to get DS. 

If we lived in town, maybe I wouldn’t be so hardline about hearing from a parent. Drive 5 minutes, no one shows up, big deal. Drive half an hour, though, and I get irritated.

 

I can see in this case, though I think that I'd actually approach it differently, and say that if that happens, they won't be allowed to go at all for some period of time.

[Emba]

Just now, Bluegoat said:

 

I can see in this case, though I think that I'd actually approach it differently, and say that if that happens, they won't be allowed to go at all for some period of time.

Oh, we did, but now I’m just not gonna risk it happening again. 

[TechWife]

15 hours ago, HeighHo said:

At that age, the dc would do it all.  Assume each dc has parental permission to participate if they show.

If I was providing a ride to anyone, I would verify that it is okay with the parent.

Yes, and if a kid needs a ride, they can ask the other kids in the group if there is sany me one that can drive them, then the kid asks their mom if they can pick up Johnny. The kids should do all of the arrangements. If you end up picking up another kid, then call the mom the day before pickup (or whenever) and say something like “Just wanted to make sure you’re aware Johnny asked me for a ride to the park tomorrow. I can pick him up at 11:30 if that work for you.”