What if you accepted a job and then decided it was a terrible idea?

[Jenny in Florida]

I've been feeling bored and restless in my current job for a while. However, despite my frustrations with my current role, I love the place I work and the people I work with, and I believe in the mission of the organization. I've been watching for openings that would allow me some room to grow. I applied for one and was apparently a finalist, but ultimately did not get the job. I made a pitch to my direct manager and the division head about why they should create a role for me and was told, very apologetically, that wasn't a possibility. My team is bleeding people -- currently operating with three of the eight positions empty going into our busiest time of the year.

So I have been submitting applications around town for a few months. Then, about a week and a half ago, I got an offer from an employer who had turned me down just last month. 

The offer came in on a day when I was feeling especially unhappy at work. It was the last day for one of my closest work buddies, who is moving on to greener pastures, for one thing. But there were some announcements made during our monthly staff meeting that weren't great news, too.

In any case, he offered me the job, with a 35% increase over my current salary, the opportunity to work from home much of the time, etc. I said yes immediately and submitted my resignation from my current job that afternoon.

Since that point, though, I've had growing doubts about whether I am moving in the right direction. A number of things, both small not-so-small, are piling on.

For example, when I accepted the job, we agreed on a start date that happened to be about three weeks in the future, because I owed my current employer two weeks and had a vacation already booked for the week right after that. I was asked whether I would be willing to spend "a few hours" with my new boss prior to that date in order to facilitate my onboarding, and I said sure. However, those "few hours" quickly turned into meeting with my new boss twice and doing an out-of-town, all-day meeting with the client.

Also, when I took the job, I thought I understood what my responsibilities were going to be. I knew that I would need to learn some new skills, but I thought I got the big picture. However, with every meeting I have with the new boss, I walk away feeling less sure that I even grasp what he expects me to be doing (possibly because he's not sure or is still developing his plan -- it's a tiny company), but it sounds more and more as though I won't actually be doing what I thought I was being hired to do.

Then there's the fact that, during our last brief meeting, the new boss admitted that he has implied to the client that I have much more experience with certain software applications than I actually do. In fact, I have precisely no experience with those applications. The new boss never asked if I did, and there is nothing on my resume that suggests I do. He seems aware of this, since he broached this topic in the context of suggesting to me that we just not do anything to disabuse the client of the idea that I know this stuff cold. His recommended strategy during the meeting this week is that we go in prepared to ask a ton of questions so that we can head off or deflect any questions the client might ask of us.

I have also been asked not to divulge that I am brand new to the company.

Finally, during my job search, I have consistently turned down/declined to pursue leads to positions with companies that are in certain industries that don't align with my personal ethics. I'm not talking about companies that do anything illegal, just organizations whose missions are not things I support. In the course of meeting with my new boss, I've found out that one of his regular clients is one of those companies I have consistently chosen not to work for.

We are scheduled to get on a plane bright and early tomorrow morning to meet with the client for my first major project (which does not happen to be one of the problematic organizations), and I'm just dreading it. Earlier this evening, I was feeling like I needed to either cry or barf or both every time I thought about starting this job.

I have never, ever felt this conflicted and oppressed about starting a new job. Prior to my first day at a new place, I have felt nervous or uninspired or excited, but never such dread.

My husband has been obviously irritable with me all week because of my negativity, but after I sat him down tonight and told him all of the above, he is now recommending that I retract immediately, not even going to the meeting tomorrow. That feels irresponsible, but is it better or worse than attending the meeting and presenting myself as a member of the team, knowing I may well quit next week if nothing happens to make me feel better about this situation?

Help me, hive. What would you do?

 

Edited April 22, 2019 by Jenny in Florida

[PeterPan]

It sounds like you find your employer dishonest. I'd look at your contract and high-tail it out. I tend to think ethical operations reap rewards and unethical operations are hiding problems. You don't know what else is lurking if this is how the company operates. Caveat: I've never held a job except a GA position in grad school, lol. Just saying you sound pretty sane to me and your concerns seem valid.

[Carol in Cal.]

Red flags on the play.

If you retract your acceptance, what will you do next?  It doesn’t sound like this job is compatible with your ethics, and I think that will drive you crazy pretty quickly.

[Jenny in Florida]

2 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Red flags on the play.

If you retract your acceptance, what will you do next?  It doesn’t sound like this job is compatible with your ethics, and I think that will drive you crazy pretty quickly.

 

I don't know what I would do, which scares me. I mean, my husband makes a nice salary, but having me working has made it possible for us to make real dent in our debt and do things like go on the vacation we're taking next week. Plus, I am not happy when I feel directionless. The reason I pushed so hard to be promoted to full time at my current job was that I really wanted to be kept busy and the feel focused.

In theory, I might be able to retract my resignation from my current job, too, but I don't know that I think that would be a great idea.

My husband suggested that I not worry right now about what would be next, just back out of the new job, finish out the current one, go on vacation and then figure out the next step when we get home.

[Carol in Cal.]

10 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

I don't know what I would do, which scares me. I mean, my husband makes a nice salary, but having me working has made it possible for us to make real dent in our debt and do things like go on the vacation we're taking next week. Plus, I am not happy when I feel directionless. The reason I pushed so hard to be promoted to full time at my current job was that I really wanted to be kept busy and the feel focused.

In theory, I might be able to retract my resignation from my current job, too, but I don't know that I think that would be a great idea.

My husband suggested that I not worry right now about what would be next, just back out of the new job, finish out the current one, go on vacation and then figure out the next step when we get home.

Do you think you could enjoy your vacation that way?  Also, it’s easier to find a job when you have one.  So I think I would try to figure out plan B before leaving your current job if possible.

[almondbutterandjelly]

You and your dh know the situation best.  I would follow his advice.

[elegantlion]

I absolutely would retract your offer. You can tell it was based upon information not disclosed to you when agreeing to take the job, like lying about your experience to clients. 

As to whether to ask to keep your job, it depends. But yes, I would not take the new job. 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

8 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Do you think you could enjoy your vacation that way?  Also, it’s easier to find a job when you have one.  So I think I would try to figure out plan B before leaving your current job if possible.

 

Honestly (and please excuse the groan-worthy pun, given that the vacation is a cruise) -- unless a miracle occurs and I go to the meeting tomorrow and find out I've been reading the situation all wrong and that this job will be a good fit, after all -- I think the ship has already sailed on me being unable to enjoy the vacation. Either I head off on the cruise feeling worried and stressed because I have this new job that is making me worried and stressed or I sail off knowing that I have to kick into job-hunting mode as soon as I get back.

I have four days left in my current job, unless I somehow retract my resignation. Now that they know I am seriously looking around, though, I can't imagine my current employers would be super thrilled with that idea.

At this point, I am leaning towards going to the meeting tomorrow with as open a mind as I can manage and going through the motions of proceeding with onboarding for the few days I have before vacation, then deciding how I feel and how to proceed when I get back.

Just knowing that I am giving myself permission to quit if it turns out to be a disaster seems to have lowered my anxiety level to something more or less manageable.

[katilac]

I would jump into the new job and take it from there. 

You've resigned from the old job and it sounds like a bit of a sinking ship anyway. 

The onboarding stuff is not unusual. 

If you start with the new job, you will gain new skills and experience and substantially raise your baseline of pay. Stay there long enough to do that and to decide where you will draw the line on clients and such in the future. I'm not clear on what you do (last I recall was tutoring, lol) but unless you work for yourself you will never have control of the client list. Unless you gain experience, you will never work for yourself. It does not help to scope out the client list of a potential employer beforehand, because of course they are always trying to gain new clients. 

Only you can decide if potentially working with certain clients is a dealbreaker. If it is, then I'd say you need to reconsider pursuing this type of job, simply because it is something you will have no control over. If there are certain firms where you can be confident they will never accept those clients, due to their mission statement or such, then you can start working towards that as a long-term goal. This job could be a valuable stepping stone to getting there. 

Quitting the new job is going to put you in a bad position. I'm not saying not to do it, just to be aware that it's probably going to be a step back for you. 

[WendyLady]

I actually think your new job sounds adventurous and exciting! Flying to meet clients! Learning new programs!! A boss who is flexible about your responsibilities!!

I feel like you can really steer this career and relationship with your new boss - he’s not entirely sure what he needs, and you are new, so you do what you can do and be bold and strong with your boundaries and plans. Set the stage now for who you are and how you respond to guidance and wishy-washy plans...  from reading your posts over the years, I can see that you are a natural leader and planner and very creative.

A very small organization has tremendous potential for growth and leadership and formulating your own path in a way that a “normal” library type job doesn’t. 

I would recommend not burning down this bridge yet. You were drawn to this career change for a reason. Give yourself 3 months. If it’s a disaster, you will know within 2 months and you can start applying for jobs back in the field where you have been comfortable. But it sounds like there’s a good chance that after 3 months, you will have found your footing and will be a huge asset to your new team. 

I can’t wait to hear all about it.

PS - there’s no growth without a little fear and mess!

[HSmomof2]

In this situation, I would back out of the new job. Normally, I would also not go back on the resignation of your current job, unless you think you can make it work for you. I recently resigned from my current job for another that ended up not being what had been described in the interview at all. I did back out of the new job and had a really good discussion with my manager at my current job. Ended up staying at current job and am much happier than I was and with much better communication with my manager. I don’t regret staying at all, 

ETA: At this point, I would probably go to the meeting tomorrow of the new job. It will likely either make you feel better about the new job or confirm your concerns about it. 

Edited April 22, 2019 by HSmomof2
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[Shoeless]

I left a job under similar circumstances once.  There were a lot of red flags going in but I ignored them all because I wanted out of my old job so badly.  The new job simply wasn't the right fit, for either me or the job, but we were both ignoring all the signs that said "This won't work".  I really wanted out of my old job, this new boss really wanted me because we'd worked together in the past and been recommended by his office manager, whom I'd also worked with.  I only worked a few days before I said "No, I'm sorry, but this won't work out at all". 

Were my colleagues and new boss upset? Yep. They got over it and found a better fit for the job quickly.  I found a better job for myself just as quickly.  In hindsight, I never should have even started at the new job.  I got on the train for my first day trying to convince myself this would be fine, I just needed to give it time...ugh. Mistake.  I should have gotten off at the next stop and gone home.   

I think you know in your gut what you really want to do.  I think you already know that this job isn't really what you are looking for right now.  Maybe in a different situation, you'd find this job to be interesting or a challenge worth tackling.  It doesn't sound like that's what you are looking for right now, however.             

[gardenmom5]

it sounds like you feel this is more "mom-gut" than nerves.  listen to the gut - it works for everything.  I believe God gave us the "mom-gut" (or dad-gut) to guide us in harder to see what's going on circumstances, and we benefit from listening to it.

I would let the new employer know that as you have learned more, you feel this isn't going to be a good fit. that you are going to pass on the offer.  thank him for his time.  (wording depends on any contract you may have signed with them.)

you can either talk with your old employer about extending (they might appreciate having more time to find a replacement for you.) - or just jump into a new job search.  

maybe something else is going on too.   I had been back in school, and felt very very strongly to NOT sign up for the next quarter.   it was hard, but I followed it.  before the next semester even started, I started having some very unexpected issues with my eyes.  (mostly resolved.) there's no way I could have kept up.

[SKL]

My first reaction is to run away from that.  However, let's not be too hasty.  You were not there in that meeting, and you don't know exactly what impression the client has of your experience, right?  You don't really know your new boss or his communication style.

It's one thing to lie and say Mary has been with the firm using X software for 5 years.  It's another to allow them to believe the staff is capable of doing the job, andt not go out of your way to tell the client the person is brand spanking new.

So in your situation, since you already left your previous job, I think I would do some research on / purchase & download the required software - something anyone would do.  In the meeting, it would be awkward for any person to volunteer "I'm brand new and know nothing" to a client.  I think there is nothing wrong with the strategy to ask a lot of questions and, if the issue of the new-to-you software comes up, you can say "I have worked with ABCware and I understand it is largely similar to XYZware which I am learning."  In short, I think you can proceed without breaking your ethics in the short run.  I would say (if you haven't already) that you do not lie to clients but you are willing to learn all you can to make it work.

Meanwhile, keep your options open and be ready to run if your impressions don't improve with time.

(I am assuming that staying with your previous employer is not a realistic option.)

[G5052]

I was a government contractor for ten years and got thrown into all sorts of things that I felt like I really couldn't do. It was just how it went.

I'd give the job a try and keep looking.

[Bambam]

12 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

<snip>

For example, when I accepted the job, we agreed on a start date that happened to be about three weeks in the future, because I owed my current employer two weeks and had a vacation already booked for the week right after that. I was asked whether I would be willing to spend "a few hours" with my new boss prior to that date in order to facilitate my onboarding, and I said sure. However, those "few hours" quickly turned into meeting with my new boss twice and doing an out-of-town, all-day meeting with the client.

Also, when I took the job, I thought I understood what my responsibilities were going to be. I knew that I would need to learn some new skills, but I thought I got the big picture. However, with every meeting I have with the new boss, I walk away feeling less sure that I even grasp what he expects me to be doing (possibly because he's not sure or is still developing his plan -- it's a tiny company), but it sounds more and more as though I won't actually be doing what I thought I was being hired to do.

Then there's the fact that, during our last brief meeting, the new boss admitted that he has implied to the client that I have much more experience with certain software applications than I actually do. In fact, I have precisely no experience with those applications. The new boss never asked if I did, and there is nothing on my resume that suggests I do. He seems aware of this, since he broached this topic in the context of suggesting to me that we just not do anything to disabuse the client of the idea that I know this stuff cold. His recommended strategy during the meeting this week is that we go in prepared to ask a ton of questions so that we can head off or deflect any questions the client might ask of us.

I have also been asked not to divulge that I am brand new to the company.

<snip>

I see all sorts of red flags here.
#1 - Boss says a few hours before you officially start working - but that turns into many hours. So, was he afraid to tell you the real time commitment or did he not understand the time commitment (and that is scary!) or did he just lie? 
#2 You thought you understood the responsibilities when you took the job. Now the story is changing. Again, I'm concerned - did you not ask the proper questions to determine what your responsibilities would be or did the boss not fully understand or did the boss misrepresent? 
#3 New boss admits he lied to client (I consider this implication a lie) To me, he has suggested you lie to the client (not do anything to disabuse client of the idea that I know this stuff cold) AND he has a strategy in place to deflect any questions. (This being prepared with a strategy tells me this guy is used to deceiving people)
#4 You have been asked to not say you are new. 

To me, those are all screaming boss is a liar, and the truth has little meaning to him. I have worked with a guy like this, and I would run away from this job. Since you said this is a very small company, it sounds like you will have no recourse in dealing with this guy. I'd call him up and tell him I'm sorry, but I won't be taking that job. If you have already started, I'd start looking for a new job right away.

Of course, my professional experience is all with stuff that could significantly damage, injure or worse if I don't do it right, so I'm not comfortable all with this level of dishonesty, nor am I okay with not feeling like I can learn to do what I need to do/have sufficient time to make sure it is 100% correct/test to make sure it is/etc. If the work was something like developing websites (not going to hurt anything/anyone) and the consequences are just that we might be late, etc, I might have a different answer. But I believe in honesty, and I don't want to work for dishonest people. I don't want to subcontracted out to companies who have been lied to about my abilities/experience/etc. I don't want to work for a company that regularly lies to their clients - that hurts my professional reputation too.  

Edited April 22, 2019 by Bambam

[DawnM]

10 hours ago, WendyLady said:

I actually think your new job sounds adventurous and exciting! Flying to meet clients! Learning new programs!! A boss who is flexible about your responsibilities!!

I feel like you can really steer this career and relationship with your new boss - he’s not entirely sure what he needs, and you are new, so you do what you can do and be bold and strong with your boundaries and plans. Set the stage now for who you are and how you respond to guidance and wishy-washy plans...  from reading your posts over the years, I can see that you are a natural leader and planner and very creative.

A very small organization has tremendous potential for growth and leadership and formulating your own path in a way that a “normal” library type job doesn’t. 

I would recommend not burning down this bridge yet. You were drawn to this career change for a reason. Give yourself 3 months. If it’s a disaster, you will know within 2 months and you can start applying for jobs back in the field where you have been comfortable. But it sounds like there’s a good chance that after 3 months, you will have found your footing and will be a huge asset to your new team. 

I can’t wait to hear all about it.

PS - there’s no growth without a little fear and mess!

 

100% agreed.

I don't completely agree with how things at my job operate and I know my husband can get frustrated too in his job, but we can't control all of it, so, we bend a bit.

[MaBelle]

So what's he lying to you about?  Or will in the future?  Liars suck.  I wouldn't do it.

 

[TechWife]

The thing about liars is, well, they lie. Personally, I couldn't do it, but your tolerance level may be different.

In your shoes, I would send an email to him, simply stating that the job is not a good fit for you, thank you for the opportunity. Then, if you want to stay at your old job, let your immediate supervisor know that you're not taking another job after all and inquire as to whether or not it would be possible to say on in your current position. Worst case scenario would be that the current immediate manager says, "No, you can't stay." You will not have lost anything for asking, though.

General wisdom is that it's easier to find a job when you have one, but sometimes we have to throw general wisdom out the window and do what is right for us personally, in our own personal life. Generally wisdom doesn't always apply to every, single situation.

 

[Scarlett]

26 minutes ago, MaBelle said:

So what's he lying to you about?  Or will in the future?  Liars suck.  I wouldn't do it.

 

Liars totally suck.  I would not work for a dishonest person a minute longer than I had to.  

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Bambam said:

I see all sorts of red flags here.
#1 - Boss says a few hours before you officially start working - but that turns into many hours. So, was he afraid to tell you the real time commitment or did he not understand the time commitment (and that is scary!) or did he just lie? 
#2 You thought you understood the responsibilities when you took the job. Now the story is changing. Again, I'm concerned - did you not ask the proper questions to determine what your responsibilities would be or did the boss not fully understand or did the boss misrepresent? 
#3 New boss admits he lied to client (I consider this implication a lie) To me, he has suggested you lie to the client (not do anything to disabuse client of the idea that I know this stuff cold) AND he has a strategy in place to deflect any questions. (This being prepared with a strategy tells me this guy is used to deceiving people)
#4 You have been asked to not say you are new. 

To me, those are all screaming boss is a liar, and the truth has little meaning to him. I have worked with a guy like this, and I would run away from this job. Since you said this is a very small company, it sounds like you will have no recourse in dealing with this guy. I'd call him up and tell him I'm sorry, but I won't be taking that job. If you have already started, I'd start looking for a new job right away.

Of course, my professional experience is all with stuff that could significantly damage, injure or worse if I don't do it right, so I'm not comfortable all with this level of dishonesty, nor am I okay with not feeling like I can learn to do what I need to do/have sufficient time to make sure it is 100% correct/test to make sure it is/etc. If the work was something like developing websites (not going to hurt anything/anyone) and the consequences are just that we might be late, etc, I might have a different answer. But I believe in honesty, and I don't want to work for dishonest people. I don't want to subcontracted out to companies who have been lied to about my abilities/experience/etc. I don't want to work for a company that regularly lies to their clients - that hurts my professional reputation too.  

The CEO at dd's company is like this.  He got the position after she had already worked there. 

They're constantly butting heads because she won't lie (especially not to banks or regulators), and he is undermining her in front of other staff.  He is making it difficult to do her job. She gives factual and credible information.   He wants his fantasy.

Yes, she's been looking for a new job.  Every thing she's done there will be good on a resume. 

[Jenny in Florida]

So, update for the curious:

I did pull myself together and go to the meeting today. Having consulted with both my husband and you all and concluded that "just saying no" would be a viable and reasonable option alleviated enough anxiety to allow me to go and be functional.

The day wasn't great. It wasn't as horrible as I feared, but even after sitting through seven hours of meetings and taking copious notes about everything that was discussed -- and even asking more pointed questions during a time when the clients weren't in the room -- I still have no clarity on what it is I will expected to do on this project. I also felt uncomfortable with the way new boss (NB) responded to some direct questions that the client asked of him regarding the team's experience with similar work. When I described those interactions to my husband, he said NB reminded him of a stereotypical used car salesman. (No offense to anyone who might be in that line of business. We're talking about the stereotypical image here.)

Fortunately, now that I am through this meeting, I have a little time and space to think about what I want to do. NB knows this was my only free day this week and that I will be cruising and incommunicado for all of next week. I also mentioned to him today that this is my last week of school for this semester. 

At this point, I think my plan is to let things ride for a little while, but also keep looking for other alternatives, until and unless things get dramatically better or worse.

[Laura Corin]

For reference, something similar happened to my brother.  He started work at Starbucks (programming) and then a job that he had previously been turned down for was offered to him.  After a week at Starbucks (not terrible, but not as attractive as the other job) he quit.  He was on probabation and could quit with no notice.  He's not a confrontational person and really hated to do it, but it was the right move.  He's still at the other company around ten years later.

[Jenny in Florida]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

For reference, something similar happened to my brother.  He started work at Starbucks (programming) and then a job that he had previously been turned down for was offered to him.  After a week at Starbucks (not terrible, but not as attractive as the other job) he quit.  He was on probabation and could quit with no notice.  He's not a confrontational person and really hated to do it, but it was the right move.  He's still at the other company around ten years later.

 

That's the thing: If I genuinely had another offer that was more acceptable or attractive to me, I would have no hesitation about waving a cordial and apologetic goodbye to this new job. I had actually already put my husband on notice not to start counting up or mentally spending my new salary, because if my current employer came through with literally any offer that included any combination of small raise/new title/expanded responsibilities, I would stay.

[Laura Corin]

23 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

That's the thing: If I genuinely had another offer that was more acceptable or attractive to me, I would have no hesitation about waving a cordial and apologetic goodbye to this new job. I had actually already put my husband on notice not to start counting up or mentally spending my new salary, because if my current employer came through with literally any offer that included any combination of small raise/new title/expanded responsibilities, I would stay.

So it's still better than going back to your old job while you search?