Birthday gift registry for a 4 year old

[sassenach]

My dd was invited to a bday party for a child that we know from church. I don't know the parents well, but the girls play in sunday school together. I was just looking for the RSVP # and out fell a registry paper from Toys R Us. I looked it up- 125 items ranging from $15-$350 :eek:

 

I refuse. There is just NO way. Even if any of the selections fell under my $10 budget, I still don't think I would give in.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm just wondering how and why something that tacky became acceptable for a lot of people in the world. Ack!

 

I understand wishlists for family that isn't close.

 

Jen

[Parrothead]

Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

[lighthouseacademy]

Oh my gosh. That is so tacky. I can't believe that they are doing gift registries for birthday parties now! And 125 items? Oh my.

Marisa

[LaxMom]

Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

:iagree:

There needs to be a Miss Manners Smackdown.

 

Honestly. What is WRONG with people?

[Tonia]

:iagree:

There needs to be a Miss Manners Smackdown.

 

Honestly. What is WRONG with people?

 

:lol::lol:

[pqr]

I have to know. Just what gift for a 4 year old could possibly cost $350? Perhaps I am naive but I thought the most expensive thing a 4 year old could get was a set of books.

[Ria]

Please tell me that you have declined the invitation.

 

Gad.

 

Ria

[Tap]

Sorry, but I love having registry information on invites. I don't do it myself because so many people are offended by it but to me it makes life easier for the giver. They can pick something themselves or check the registry. It isn't like you HAVE to buy off the registry. It is just a convenience for those who want it.

 

I like to buy the child something they will like, and that they don't already have. Online registrations are my favorite. I can sit with dc, have them pick out something online, have it shipped to me and I don't have to trek to the store and waste money on a gift they don't want!

 

Because of the size, I would guess that the child has a year long list like a lot of kids do. The list isn't necessarily for just her birthday, but also Christmas, and any other gift giving holiday the family participates in.

 

We have numerous friends with large extended families that have 20-30 people invited to a 'family' birthday. Large lists are common to give the gift givers some choices. A few have wealthy families, and those are the ones who give $200+ gifts for major holidays.

 

I am sorry you were offended, but please take it with a grain of salt. It was only offered to make the process easier for you.

 

 

~~Tap

 

Who doesn't have wish lists or registries...but appreciates it when the parent takes the time to create one.

[gardening momma]

I have a wish list for myself and one for my kids on Amazon, and with the Amazon universal wish list button, I can add things from other websites to my Amazon list. Like Tap said, it's a year-long list, and it's also there so I can get stuff for myself or my kids when we have extra money (such as birthday money sent from out-of-state relatives--usually my parents). Sometimes I have a great idea for something that I'd like, but would never remember it by the time someone asks, so I put it on my Amazon list.

 

I can see something like that happening for the church kid's list also.

[LaxMom]

I keep a wishlist on Amazon, too. If somebody called and asked about what my children would like to receive, I might even consult that list for ideas. But I wouldn't put a link to it in birthday party invitations given out at our homeschool co-op. That. Is. Tacky.

[Tonia]

I keep a wishlist on Amazon, too. If somebody called and asked about what my children would like to receive, I might even consult that list for ideas. But I wouldn't put a link to it in birthday party invitations given out at our homeschool co-op. That. Is. Tacky.

 

Ditto. I think a registry or list is a great idea BUT only if someone calls and asks "what does so-and-so want for his birthday/Christmas/whatever". You just shouldn't be sticking it in with the invitation.

[iquilt]

:iagree: You don't include the registry with the invitation, period. If you want to ask for suggestions then you call and get the registry information. Besides, what 4 year old needs to receive over 100 items for his/her birthday??? That is insane and insulting.

Ditto. I think a registry or list is a great idea BUT only if someone calls and asks "what does so-and-so want for his birthday/Christmas/whatever". You just shouldn't be sticking it in with the invitation.

[julesmama3]

Wow, such strong feelings! We did this once for my son who was turning 5 or 6, I can't remember now. Every time we had a birthday party for one of my children everyone would ask what to get them. I can't remember if I put it in the invitation or just did it by word of mouth but my friends and family found it helpful.

 

I know why there were so many items listed and why it included something for $350. When we got to the toy store I gave my son the scanner and said go ahead scan whatever you like. He had a blast. I explained to him that he probably would not get the motorized batman car but he had fun dreaming. It really is more innocent than you supposed.

[snickelfritz]

Most (maybe all) wedding and baby shower invitations that I receive have registry information included.

 

With those (and the same would hold true for birthdays, although I haven't gotten one for a birthday) I assume that if there is something I want to get them, I will. If I have nothing in mind, I buy off of the registry.

 

I wouldn't be offended or boycott the party, just because of it. I would either use the registry or not.

[Garga]

I don't think it's tacky in the slightest.

 

Why would it be tacky? You know that everyone's going to call and say, "What does Sally want?" Then the mom has to have a list ready by the phone and make sure she doesn't tell the same person the same idea...and then also worry that she told someone something too expensive. And YOU have to have a pen and paper ready to write down the ideas she gives you. What a ridiculous ritual when a list of ideas could be included in the invitation.

 

I mean, I still don't get why it's tacky. Everyone knows you're getting the child a gift, so why is it tacky to give everyone ideas of what to get? I mean, if it was an event you wouldn't normally get a gift for and THEN a registry was included, I could see it. But if you KNOW you're getting a gift, what's wrong with a registry of ideas? Might as well get something Sally will like that hasn't already been given to her.

 

Even if you do think it's tacky, I think it's awful to avoid the 4 year old's party. Poor kid. Taking out something you think is tacky on a little girl.

[Parrothead]

Most (maybe all) wedding and baby shower invitations that I receive have registry information included.

 

With those (and the same would hold true for birthdays, although I haven't gotten one for a birthday) I assume that if there is something I want to get them, I will. If I have nothing in mind, I buy off of the registry.

 

I wouldn't be offended or boycott the party, just because of it. I would either use the registry or not.

Yes, it is bad manners to include registry information with invitations.

 

There is nothing wrong with registering for weddings, showers or even birthdays. The bad manners is the expecting of a gift.

 

If one wishes to give a gift, one can call a friend or relative of the honoree and ask what type of gift to give. At that point the friend or relative can send the caller to the registry.

[Danestress]

I know I am in the minority, but think it's tacky to offer up suggestions of what you want when you send an invitation.

[Parrothead]

I don't think it's tacky in the slightest.

 

Why would it be tacky? You know that everyone's going to call and say, "What does Sally want?" Then the mom has to have a list ready by the phone and make sure she doesn't tell the same person the same idea...and then also worry that she told someone something too expensive. And YOU have to have a pen and paper ready to write down the ideas she gives you. What a ridiculous ritual when a list of ideas could be included in the invitation.

 

I mean, I still don't get why it's tacky. Everyone knows you're getting the child a gift, so why is it tacky to give everyone ideas of what to get? I mean, if it was an event you wouldn't normally get a gift for and THEN a registry was included, I could see it. But if you KNOW you're getting a gift, what's wrong with a registry of ideas? Might as well get something Sally will like that hasn't already been given to her.

 

Even if you do think it's tacky, I think it's awful to avoid the 4 year old's party. Poor kid. Taking out something you think is tacky on a little girl.

It isn't a given that everyone who attends will bring a gift. Including registry information in an invitation makes one feel as if a gift is expected in exchange for receiving the invitation and attending the party.

[TN Mama]

I fall in the "I think it's tacky" camp. And when friends call to ask what my daughters might like for their birthdays I can't honestly recall ever giving a specific item (not saying that it's wrong, but just that it doesn't HAVE to happen, either). I would say something along the lines of, "C enjoys books and last enjoyed x." Or perhaps, "She loves polly pockets or crafty things."

[Pink Fairy]

It's tacky. I wouldn't be upset about it though--just choose what you normally would have, and include a gift receipt. If they don't like it, they can always return it. I do this with all gifts. It takes the pressure off. :001_smile:

[Garga]

Not being confrontational here, but I am curious:

 

If you invite someone to a child's birthday party, do you really think they won't bring a gift?

 

I mean, if I invited someone to a party and they didn't bring a gift, I would be totally cool with that.

 

But, generally, to a child's party, doesn't everyone bring a gift? For adults it's different. I just had a 40th b-day for dh and we didn't expect gifts and we didn't get many at all. I really did NOT expect them.

 

But for a kid's party, you know the kid is expecting them! And what's the point of a wedding/baby shower except to ... get gifts for the woman? That's what a shower is...showering her with what she'll need for the marriage/baby.

 

Ok--just had to ask! I guess I'm very gauche.

 

Oh, btw...I don't include this stuff in my invites, just because I know people don't like it...but I never really understood why they didn't.

[snickelfritz]

.

Not being confrontational here, but I am curious:

 

If you invite someone to a child's birthday party, do you really think they won't bring a gift?

 

I mean, if I invited someone to a party and they didn't bring a gift, I would be totally cool with that.

 

But, generally, to a child's party, doesn't everyone bring a gift? For adults it's different.

[Parrothead]

Not being confrontational here, but I am curious:

 

If you invite someone to a child's birthday party, do you really think they won't bring a gift?

 

I mean, if I invited someone to a party and they didn't bring a gift, I would be totally cool with that.

 

But, generally, to a child's party, doesn't everyone bring a gift? For adults it's different. I just had a 40th b-day for dh and we didn't expect gifts and we didn't get many at all. I really did NOT expect them.

 

But for a kid's party, you know the kid is expecting them! And what's the point of a wedding/baby shower except to ... get gifts for the woman? That's what a shower is...showering her with what she'll need for the marriage/baby.

 

Ok--just had to ask! I guess I'm very gauche.

 

Oh, btw...I don't include this stuff in my invites, just because I know people don't like it...but I never really understood why they didn't.

Dd just had her birthday party 4 weeks ago. Our of the 10 kids that came only 3 brought gifts. So no, I don't expect gifts.

 

As for baby and wedding showers, yes, the idea is to shower the bride/mom with gifts. BUT, the registry information isn't included in the invitation.

 

Say a friend got invited to the shower, but didn't have money for a gift until after payday which was a week after the shower. Would the friend be uninvited because she couldn't bring a gift to the shower? This friend can quietly call the hostess and ask where So-and-So is registered, attend the party, then have the gift ready on or about payday. Everyone saves face that way.

 

The only time a gift is expected is if one is invited to a wedding. If you get an invite to the wedding it is expected that you will give a gift even if you can't attend the wedding. But you have up to a year to give the gift. If you get an invite to the reception, but not the wedding then no gift is expected.

 

PS I didn't take your questions as confrontational. I'm a very strange individual who used to read Miss Manner's books for fun. She is a hilarious writer while imparting knowledge of the social niceties.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Parrothead

[Garga]

Dd just had her birthday party 4 weeks ago. Our of the 10 kids that came only 3 brought gifts.

 

 

Oh!

[snickelfritz]

Like the whole offering milk to guests thread?

 

 

 

You do what your friends do and they do what their friends have done?

 

We always take a gift to parties and people usually (if not always....and I can't remember anyone NOT bringing a gift) bring a gift to our parties. I wouldn't think twice if they didn't. And I would always tell someone to come if they couldn't bring a gift. I've even toyed with having them bring an item to donate, because we sure don't need more stuff.

Edited November 20, 2008 by snickelfritz

[Pink Fairy]

We always bring a gift. I thought everyone did, but after Parrothead's post, I guess they don't. And it's not the expectation of the gift that's tacky, imo, it's the expectation of a particular gift, chosen by the birthday boy and his/her parents. And to add the the insult, having nothing on the list of preferred gifts that's under $15--now that's tacky.

[snickelfritz]

And to add the the insult, having nothing on the list of preferred gifts that's under $15--now that's tacky.

 

It seems like most registries usually have items that in the under $5 range.

[Blessedfamily]

I've been to kids parties where many people didn't bring gifts but they birthday kid had a blast.

 

I was reading about someone who got a wedding invitation with a bank deposit slip in it. That's what the couple wanted, so that's what they sent to everyone on their guest list. I personally wouldn't want my account number going around that much.

[Pink Fairy]

I was reading about someone who got a wedding invitation with a bank deposit slip in it. That's what the couple wanted, so that's what they sent to everyone on their guest list.

 

 

:blink: Holy moly!

[Parrothead]

I've been to kids parties where many people didn't bring gifts but they birthday kid had a blast.

 

I was reading about someone who got a wedding invitation with a bank deposit slip in it. That's what the couple wanted, so that's what they sent to everyone on their guest list. I personally wouldn't want my account number going around that much.

IMHO That is just beyond tacky.

[Blessedfamily]

Well, the Miss Manners the person was writing to said it was acceptable. :001_huh: Personally, I would have used the whole wedding invitation for playing tic-tac-toe on long car trips.

Edited November 20, 2008 by Blessedfamily

[sassenach]

Here are my thoughts about everyone's feedback on this.

 

Yes, we're still going to the party. I don't see the point in keeping two 4 year olds from enjoying each other's company.

 

I, too, have made amazon wishlists for the kids in the past. The purpose was to have one central list of pre-approved, non junk gifts for our families to purchase. The prices were within levels that were discussed before hand with the family. This was an approach that we as a family came up with, no one was just sent the list. Doing this cut down tremendously on the sheer number of *things* that my kids received from family who lived across the country. It aided us in down-sizing Christmas.

 

Which brings me to my next thought- 125 toys are more than a lifetime's worth in our family. If I had to approximate, I think my kids each receive about 10 toys a year. The sheer # just surprised me. I was pretty clear on the fact that they are not expecting me to buy the $350 item. What bothers me on a personal level is that 1) they clearly expect *something* from the list or they wouldn't have put the card in the invite, 2) there was nothing under $15.

 

When we have had bday parties in the past (it's been about 2 years since our last one), most of the kids brought gifts. Some just brought homemade cards, which were absolute treasures. We have cut down on bday parties as a family choice, but I'm not opposed to them or presents for that matter.

 

We will be giving her a nice book.

[mrsdash]

What a great way to encourage greed. Whatever happened to teaching the child to be gracious and humble? The present is nice but your "presence" is all that should really be hoped for at a party. I guess for some people it's turned into "Please come and bring me a gift from my list". Too bad.

[Ellie]

Where is Miss Manners when you need her?

 

She's probably sitting catatonic somewhere, the lack of manners in spite of all her advice having worn her down.:glare:

[OH_Homeschooler]

I'm generally not opposed to registries, especially for wedding and baby showers where (as I learned from my bridesmaids), the whole purpose is to bring gifts for the bride/expectant parent. And I do see the utility in having some kind of list for kids parties, be it a wishlist or whatever. I am opposed to including registry info in a wedding invitation though, so I don't know.

 

Anyway, this week I got a list from a dear friend of gift ideas for her kids for Christmas (I was included with about 20 other people on this email). It was basically like a registry...it had all the details on exactly what toy, the price, and everything. Except it wasn't a registry, so we would all have to coordinate with each other to see who was buying what. That frustrates me, at the very least a registry is convenient. I don't have time to check with everyone else to see what they're getting. In this case, I really wish she had just gone ahead and gotten a darn registry done. I'm just going to get some clothes and a toy for each kid, because she wasn't too specific about what clothes to get. :)

[happyWImom]

What I want to know is, how many people are invited? That's another thing that really bugs me, 20 kids to the party = 20 presents. If I was ever going to have a party with a lot of kids (which I would not do;)) I would say no gifts or do the thing where they bring a donation to an animal shelter or something. We have only 2 or 3 kids plus mine, and I usually say somthing small, a book, small craft item, etc... Things are getting way out of hand.

[Parrothead]

Well, the Miss Manners the person was writing to said it was acceptable. :001_huh: Personally, I would have used the whole wedding invitation for playing tic-tac-toe on long car trips.

I would have mailed it back with a note saying something to the effect that I found the missing deposit slip, and I hope she wasn't too distressed to find it gone. Those pesky writing desks do get so cluttered up sometimes.

[Tracey in TX]

What I want to know is, how many people are invited? That's another thing that really bugs me, 20 kids to the party = 20 presents.

 

YES! ITA. Our triplets' first bday party (5y/o) to include friends was outrageous and utterly embarrassing. Almost 50 friends invited. We requested NO gifts, but received almost 50 gifts. Our oldest just had a party with 25 friends. Again we asked for no gifts--just to food shelter this year. It was respected and received just one toy. Hopefully our county food shelter was bombarded with food!

 

We've gotten so greedy as a society. :(

[Jenny in Florida]

Not being confrontational here, but I am curious:

 

If you invite someone to a child's birthday party, do you really think they won't bring a gift?

 

It's not a question of whether you "really think" they will or they won't. It's about whether it's polite to assume they will and, not only that, but to instruct them as to what that gift should be. That's just plain rude.

 

I don't, in theory, have a problem with the birthday registry from a guest point of view. I would be concerned about the expectations it might set up for the child, though. And, even if one chooses to do a registry, it is absolutely bad manners to include the information in the invitation. What I've always read is that the proper etiquette is to direct guests to the registry if they request it.

 

We usually didn't do gifts for our kids parties. Technically, in fact, even putting the very polite wording we worked out asking guests NOT to bring gifts is considered an etiquette no-no (because it assumes that guests will bring one). But we felt strongly that we wanted our kids to enjoy the party and their guests for their own sakes, rather than looking at the whole occasion as a "gimme" opportunity.

 

With all that said, I don't think I'd skip the party and disappoint the little girl because her parents did something rude. I think I might look at the registry to see what kinds of things the girl wants and then look for something similar in my price range.

[Jenny in Florida]

I've even toyed with having them bring an item to donate, because we sure don't need more stuff.

 

My daughter did that a couple of times, and it was great. She chose Give Kids the World as her charity. We put something like the following wording on the invitation:

 

Your presence to help [daughter] celebrate is the best and only gift [daughter] hopes for. If you would like to honor her by bringing a donation for Give Kids the World, your gift would be gratefully accepted.

 

For those who called to find out what kinds of donations were desired, I referred them to the wish list on the organization's website.

[Danestress]

Yes, I know that if I don't specifically say "no gifts" children are likely to bring a gift to a birthday party.

 

But it's still, in my humble opinion, exceedingly tacky to include a list of what you want with the invitation, or a suggestion as to where to find out what you want. I say the same for a wedding or for a shower. The only difference with a shower is that the person of honor is not the host, and according to the old rules, her mother and sisters also didn't host. So to have a shower for a friend and specifiy "It's a kitchen gadget shower" or something doesn't strike me as being quite so tacky.