Narcissistic mother-in-law and aunt called cps on us.

[homemommy83]

Hi ladies,

Yesterday a nice cps worker stopped by our house stating that we are using dangerous heating (We use Eden Pure heaters-they are safe) and that we don't have food in the house (again beyond false).  We just told my husband's family that we would not be coming to Christmas this year as we have decided to focus on Jesus and our children (and their gatherings are full of trash talking, back biting, bitterness, ect...anything but peace). 

His mom gave us the silent treatment for a week and then sent his nicer (or so we thought)  aunt to our house 2 days ago to try to persuade us to change our minds because it has "devastated" his mother.  I was oddly taking a friend of mine lunch and groceries, but you know I have no food in my house....go figure, and my husband was home alone.  I had just cleaned the house before I left so the house was very clean when his aunt arrived.  After he politely told her that our plans were set and that as we told his mother if they wanted us to come on another day we would, but our Christmas plans are not changing she began saying how devastated this made her.  He again said he understood her feelings, but to get back with him if they wanted us to come on another date and she left.

That night we prayed about whether we should totally disconnect from his family and said for the Lord to make it blatantly obvious.  Yesterday afternoon cps shows up at my door.  

We have an amazing amount of long-term friendships, we are very active in our church, and we actually give food to the needy when needed as we keep a six month supply of food at all times (I was starved growing up so it my thing).  We are very loving parents and we have some awesome kiddos.  All of these allegations are completely false.

His family hasn't came to our house in 6 years as gatherings can only be at their houses ever ect.  So they are angry at us for not doing what they want so they called in a false allegation.

Please pray for wisdom in our words and that we can be a blessing to the cos worker who is being required to waste her time on us when there are real kids hurting out there.

Brenda

P.S. We are completely cutting his mother and aunts from our lives permanently and now can do so without any guilt or sense of duty to them.

[gardenmom5]

did you tell the cps worker your mil called it in becasue you just told her you wouldn't be doing christmas with her?

i'm so sorry.   some people really are that toxic.  prayers you can do what is the best thing in this situation.

[Hannah]

How terrible - so sorry.

[Kassia]

I'm so sorry.  That is horrible.

[homemommy83]

38 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

did you tell the cps worker your mil called it in becasue you just told her you wouldn't be doing christmas with her?

i'm so sorry.   some people really are that toxic.  prayers you can do what is the best thing in this situation.

Thank you for the prayers, and yes we told her.  She said they get a lot of vitriol cases.

Brenda

[homemommy83]

9 minutes ago, Æthelthryth the Texan said:

I’m so sorry. You are reacting in an incredibly controlled way. I admire your restraint.  

Thank you.

[PrincessMommy]

I'm so sorry.. hugs.  Prayers as you move forward.

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

I’m sorry. I’d be prepared, tho, in case they get even more vindictive and call CPS agin in a few weeks. They usually take a month to close out a case, too, and will have to keep it open if there’s another, different report.

Losing contact with grandkids should be a big wake-up call. 

 

That's a good point.  My narcissistic mother tried to sue me over something ridiculous just to make me pay attorney fees.  It was embarrassing and expensive to hire a lawyer to defend myself.  Of course, she had no case so after my attorney shut her down she started sending him letters filled with lies about me.  I was really embarrassed about the whole situation and can't imagine going through something like that with CPS and having my kids involved.

[PinkTulip]

Wow - I am so sorry you had that happen! It sounds like you and your husband have been very level-headed and thoughtful in your decision moving forward, and I fully support you in that. May you have a peaceful and joyous Christmas with your own little family! 

[homemommy83]

14 minutes ago, Dotwithaperiod said:

I’m sorry. I’d be prepared, tho, in case they get even more vindictive and call CPS agin in a few weeks. They usually take a month to close out a case, too, and will have to keep it open if there’s another, different report.

Losing contact with grandkids should be a big wake-up call. 

I actually don't doubt that they will continue false reporting....as they will be even angrier at us for telling them that we are not stupid and that we are permanently cutting all ties.  We are not telling them this until after the lady inspecting leaves today.

[homemommy83]

4 minutes ago, PinkTulip said:

Wow - I am so sorry you had that happen! It sounds like you and your husband have been very level-headed and thoughtful in your decision moving forward, and I fully support you in that. May you have a peaceful and joyous Christmas with your own little family! 

Thank you.  We have a wonderful plan for a peaceful holiday and they cannot take our joy.

[homemommy83]

10 minutes ago, Kassia said:

 

That's a good point.  My narcissistic mother tried to sue me over something ridiculous just to make me pay attorney fees.  It was embarrassing and expensive to hire a lawyer to defend myself.  Of course, she had no case so after my attorney shut her down she started sending him letters filled with lies about me.  I was really embarrassed about the whole situation and can't imagine going through something like that with CPS and having my kids involved.

Wow.  I am sorry you have had a narcissistic mother...but we can be amazing mothers.

[homemommy83]

27 minutes ago, PrincessMommy said:

I'm so sorry.. hugs.  Prayers as you move forward.

Thank you.

[Chris in VA]

I wouldn't tell them you are cutting contact. 

[sassenach]

8 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

I wouldn't tell them you are cutting contact. 

Yeah, I'm usually a direct confrontation person, but in this case it would probably just throw gasoline onto the fire. 

[homemommy83]

4 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

I wouldn't tell them you are cutting contact. 

It will be obvious as we are not going to go to their house for any holiday gathering and I am not allowing my mother-in-law yo sit next to us at church any longer.  We live next door...it will be obvious...and his mother at some point will come by and my husband will not act as if he knows nothing...he will tell her what they did was wrong and we need space.  They will be even angrier that we are not coming to the new Christmas plan they will have made.  We are kind people and will say this matter of factly not in anger....which makes them angrier sadly....but we will not be pulled down to their vile levels.

Brenda

If we lived farther apart than we could absolutely not worry about saying anything, but his mother sits at the end of our drive for an hour if it takes that to get us to come outside....and we will not be going to her at all...kwim.

Brenda

[Chris in VA]

Geez. I'd move. 

[homemommy83]

1 minute ago, sassenach said:

Yeah, I'm usually a direct confrontation person, but in this case it would probably just throw gasoline onto the fire. 

We are saying that we need space after what they did...actually after thinking about this we may not even bring the kids to church...

Brenda

[homemommy83]

1 minute ago, Chris in VA said:

Geez. I'd move. 

Actually we have been looking at houses...and had just got back from looking 10 minutes before this lady came.

[bolt.]

Perhaps it’s time for some “church shopping” too?

[PrincessMommy]

54 minutes ago, homemommy83 said:

Actually we have been looking at houses...and had just got back from looking 10 minutes before this lady came.

I'm glad to hear this.  I hope you find just the right place very soon.

[homemommy83]

10 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Perhaps it’s time for some “church shopping” too?

We have an amazing church...I teach 3 classes weekly and my husband is on the security team.  Our children have made foundational friendships....it is the best church we have ever attended....so many people love one another truly.  She began coming and causing disturbances in recent months...we will send them to Sunday School instead of sitting in church with us one service and going the other.  I will sit with friends a d my husband will do security...so I will avoid her that way.  The church doesn't need her theatrics....this will stop that.  We also clean our church, volunteer in many areas, and have been grown into this ministry.

[sassenach]

5 minutes ago, homemommy83 said:

We have an amazing church...I teach 3 classes weekly and my husband is on the security team.  Our children have made foundational friendships....it is the best church we have ever attended....so many people love one another truly.  She began coming and causing disturbances in recent months...we will send them to Sunday School instead of sitting in church with us one service and going the other.  I will sit with friends a d my husband will do security...so I will avoid her that way.  The church doesn't need her theatrics....this will stop that.  We also clean our church, volunteer in many areas, and have been grown into this ministry.

Definitely meet with your pastor so he knows what’s going on. You’ll need support from leadership as you navigate this. 

[bolt.]

I’m so glad that you have a great church (Not an, ‘I’m still going to my mom’s church, and I don’t know why.’ — situation.) You definitely don’t need to church shop.

[bolt.]

I’m sure you probably have already done this, since this situation is very real and you are clearly taking it seriously. But, just in case you haven’t — remember to take a solid amount of time to very seriously ask yourself if there is the *remotest possibility* that this report came from anywhere else.

I know that all signs point to the two you named, but that’s not absolutely conclusive. It makes sense to take the time to seriously consider other possibilities.

[Catwoman]

I’m so sorry this is happening, Brenda, and I’m sending hugs and prayers to your family.

 

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I’m sure you probably have already done this, since this situation is very real and you are clearly taking it seriously. But, just in case you haven’t — remember to take a solid amount of time to very seriously ask yourself if there is the *remotest possibility* that this report came from anywhere else.

I know that all signs point to the two you named, but that’s not absolutely conclusive. It makes sense to take the time to seriously consider other possibilities.

 

I hadn’t thought of that, but that’s an excellent point, bolt!

I would also suggest contacting an attorney before communicating with MIL, because who knows what she will do when she finds out she won’t be seeing her grandchildren any more? She sounds very angry and vindictive, so I worry that she might take legal action to gain visitation rights, and I think Brenda should try to stay one step ahead of her.

[umsami]

I'm so sorry.

We had a vindictive report filed against us by a Mom who was upset that I wouldn't let my son date her daughter.  (We're Muslim.  In general, we don't date...but definitely not at 14.)  It was so very stressful.  I'm sorry.

 

ETA: Good thing she wasn't the sharpest pencil in the box.  I had texts of her "yelling" at me as to why they couldn't date... I responded....and then she said "I'm a nurse. I'm a mandated reporter.  This is abuse.  I'm called DCF."   Even with that, it was stressful. 

Edited December 8, 2018 by umsami

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't think the church risk can be overstated.

1. It's good that there is some kind of security system at church, but how tight is the children's center? Is there a literal, reliable, enforced drop off and pickup system, WITH matched stickers or badges, and WITHOUT anyone being allowed past the check-in? 

2. I understand that your family is grooved in and supported, while the offending relative is new and problematic. But I want to second those who said you should consider telling the pastor about this. If you keep it to yourself, while both of you are still there all the time, there will be assumptions that "family" gets along. She might also be able to persuade others to join her "against" you. However, if you think the pastor will insist upon mediation and un-qualified or semi-qualified counseling, and refuse to back you up regarding the children's security, then it won't matter how much you like this church. It won't be a safe place.

 

Edited December 8, 2018 by Lang Syne Boardie

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, homemommy83 said:

It will be obvious as we are not going to go to their house for any holiday gathering and I am not allowing my mother-in-law yo sit next to us at church any longer.  We live next door...it will be obvious...and his mother at some point will come by and my husband will not act as if he knows nothing...he will tell her what they did was wrong and we need space.  They will be even angrier that we are not coming to the new Christmas plan they will have made.  We are kind people and will say this matter of factly not in anger....which makes them angrier sadly....but we will not be pulled down to their vile levels.

Brenda

If we lived farther apart than we could absolutely not worry about saying anything, but his mother sits at the end of our drive for an hour if it takes that to get us to come outside....and we will not be going to her at all...kwim.

Brenda

 

Have you considered moving? 

I don’t know how you will be able to successfully cut off contact with a grandmother who lives next door.

How is her relationship with your children?

[chiguirre]

2 hours ago, homemommy83 said:

It will be obvious as we are not going to go to their house for any holiday gathering and I am not allowing my mother-in-law yo sit next to us at church any longer.  We live next door...it will be obvious...and his mother at some point will come by and my husband will not act as if he knows nothing...he will tell her what they did was wrong and we need space.  They will be even angrier that we are not coming to the new Christmas plan they will have made.  We are kind people and will say this matter of factly not in anger....which makes them angrier sadly....but we will not be pulled down to their vile levels.

Brenda

If we lived farther apart than we could absolutely not worry about saying anything, but his mother sits at the end of our drive for an hour if it takes that to get us to come outside....and we will not be going to her at all...kwim.

Brenda

Oh, wow, that makes things so much more difficult for you. Is there any chance at all that you can move?

[homemommy83]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

Definitely meet with your pastor so he knows what’s going on. You’ll need support from leadership as you navigate this. 

We have.  He was so encouraging and has notified the 4 PCS workers in the church. 

[Bootsie]

I am sorry that you are going through this.  How much are you children aware of this situation?  It looks as if you have pre- and early teens.  Given that grandma goes to the same church and lives next door, they are likely to have some contact with her.

[homemommy83]

49 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

Regarding church - my goodness, she’s downright stalking you. That’s a mental health issue that your pastoral staff should be informed about. At the very least your dh might want to quietly share with the security team, just in case grandma goes wandering into the children’s area in search of your kids.

I pray that the Lord will provide you much grace as you walk through this challenging situation.  

Our children department is on lockdown during service and they know she is mentally ill.  We have to have badges to get our children even though I am a teacher...she can't get them.  Thank you for the wise thoughts though.

[homemommy83]

2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am sorry that you are going through this.  How much are you children aware of this situation?  It looks as if you have pre- and early teens.  Given that grandma goes to the same church and lives next door, they are likely to have some contact with her.

We told the olders straight up.

[homemommy83]

22 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

Oh, wow, that makes things so much more difficult for you. Is there any chance at all that you can move?

We are trying.

[homemommy83]

23 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Have you considered moving? 

I don’t know how you will be able to successfully cut off contact with a grandmother who lives next door.

How is her relationship with your children?

They do not trust her and don't want to spend time with her as she only uses visits for them to clean her filthy house.  We limited visits to monthly supervised already...now those are gone to.

[homemommy83]

35 minutes ago, Lang Syne Boardie said:

I don't think the church risk can be overstated.

1. It's good that there is some kind of security system at church, but how tight is the children's center? Is there a literal, reliable, enforced drop off and pickup system, WITH matched stickers or badges, and WITHOUT anyone being allowed past the check-in? 

2. I understand that your family is grooved in and supported, while the offending relative is new and problematic. But I want to second those who said you should consider telling the pastor about this. If you keep it to yourself, while both of you are still there all the time, there will be assumptions that "family" gets along. She might also be able to persuade others to join her "against" you. However, if you think the pastor will insist upon mediation and un-qualified or semi-qualified counseling, and refuse to back you up regarding the children's security, then it won't matter how much you like this church. It won't be a safe place.

 

They already have seen her mental illness play out at church and we already had staff praying for her.  Everyone sees it.

[homemommy83]

36 minutes ago, Lang Syne Boardie said:

I don't think the church risk can be overstated.

1. It's good that there is some kind of security system at church, but how tight is the children's center? Is there a literal, reliable, enforced drop off and pickup system, WITH matched stickers or badges, and WITHOUT anyone being allowed past the check-in? 

2. I understand that your family is grooved in and supported, while the offending relative is new and problematic. But I want to second those who said you should consider telling the pastor about this. If you keep it to yourself, while both of you are still there all the time, there will be assumptions that "family" gets along. She might also be able to persuade others to join her "against" you. However, if you think the pastor will insist upon mediation and un-qualified or semi-qualified counseling, and refuse to back you up regarding the children's security, then it won't matter how much you like this church. It won't be a safe place.

 

He told us to cut all contact.

[Pippen]

4 hours ago, homemommy83 said:

Thank you for the prayers, and yes we told her.  She said they get a lot of vitriol cases.

Brenda

I can imagine this time of year those vitriol cases intensity.  Hugs.

[homemommy83]

51 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I’m sure you probably have already done this, since this situation is very real and you are clearly taking it seriously. But, just in case you haven’t — remember to take a solid amount of time to very seriously ask yourself if there is the *remotest possibility* that this report came from anywhere else.

I know that all signs point to the two you named, but that’s not absolutely conclusive. It makes sense to take the time to seriously consider other possibilities.

Absolutely not...we only have amazingly supportive people around us....they have threatened us in the past because we didn't do their bidding....we went without a tv for years and they said that was abuse.  This time they totally fabricated.

[homemommy83]

1 minute ago, Pippen said:

I can imagine this time of year those vitriol cases intensity.  Hugs.

That is what the lady said.

[NorthwestMom]

6 hours ago, homemommy83 said:

Thank you for the prayers, and yes we told her.  She said they get a lot of vitriol cases.

Brenda

This is very true and they will recognize it in your situation. I think you have little to worry about with CPS. 

Sounds like your prayers were answered, certainly not in the way you expected, but you have a clear answer here. Hugs to you. ❤️ 

[homemommy83]

22 minutes ago, NorthwestMom said:

This is very true and they will recognize it in your situation. I think you have little to worry about with CPS. 

Sounds like your prayers were answered, certainly not in the way you expected, but you have a clear answer here. Hugs to you. ❤️ 

Thank you for the kind words.  All of our family and friends are in shock as they say if anything that we are examples of good parenting.  We are not perfect people, but we absolutely adore our children.

[homemommy83]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

I hadn’t thought of that, but that’s an excellent point, bolt!

I would also suggest contacting an attorney before communicating with MIL, because who knows what she will do when she finds out she won’t be seeing her grandchildren any more? She sounds very angry and vindictive, so I worry that she might take legal action to gain visitation rights, and I think Brenda should try to stay one step ahead of her.

If parents are unified in nonvisitation rights in Indiana they have no right...because of issues like this.

[Catwoman]

12 minutes ago, homemommy83 said:

If parents are unified in nonvisitation rights in Indiana they have no right...because of issues like this.

 

I’m very glad to hear that!

[gardenmom5]

I was thinking how you thought the aunt was "nice".

npd's have their 'enforcers".   they are tools, they obey, they won't sever the relationship.  my grandfather was great, he was treated badly by her too.  (he was barely allowed to talk in her presence.  she always cut him off as soon as he started speaking.) but  he was also her "enforcer".  if you made her upset, he would come and demand you apologize.  

it's as much about the "enforcer" wanting peace from the npd as anything else.

enforcer is just another role people in their orbit play.

[homemommy83]

15 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

Good analogy, NPDs really do have a whole constellation in play, don’t they? No wonder they get so frantic when one part drifts out of the prescribed orbit. 

The nice aunt is definitely a flying monkey, as was my husband's mother, but my mil is a narcissist in her own right and probably learned as a coping mechanism to dealing with her mother and sister who was the golden child who became the family lead narcissist.  I believe however all of them chose in one way or another to encourage her as they would sit and talk trash together...so they all cared more for their feelings/ control issues than the welfare of the children....and because they will always be her minions ...have lost all contact with our children.

[homemommy83]

Great news!  She said this was an obvious false accusation, but that it takes 30 days for the case to close.  She kept going awww how sweet is their bedrooms.  She was so sweet.

Brenda

[Slache]

5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I was thinking how you thought the aunt was "nice".

npd's have their 'enforcers".   they are tools, they obey, they won't sever the relationship.  my grandfather was great, he was treated badly by her too.  (he was barely allowed to talk in her presence.  she always cut him off as soon as he started speaking.) but  he was also her "enforcer".  if you made her upset, he would come and demand you apologize.  

it's as much about the "enforcer" wanting peace from the npd as anything else.

enforcer is just another role people in their orbit play.

Where did you learn about this?