WWYD

[Scarlett]

Ooops.

 

Edited September 20, 2018 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 The conversation below happened this morning.  Background---dh had to take dss to his car where it was left yesterday when dss passed out in the eye doctors exam chair.  I was getting ready for work and needed to leave in like the next 5 minutes (and dh was late getting out of our bathroom so that was why I was having to rush).  My phone rings...dss's name pops up---I answer hello...

Dh: hi how are you?
Scarlett: Fine

Dh:   I'm calling from ds's phone

Scarlett: yes I see that- what's going on?
Dh: I'm going to wait at your work and just get it from you then if you don't mind to bring it to me and if not I'll just go on
Scarlett: please tell me what you need ! You always start at the end of the story
Dh: I knew you would bitch at me. I left my phone
Scarlett: where?
Dh: it's on the coffee table 

Scarlett: OK I will bring it to you.

 

I dictated a note to Siri on the way to work so I would remember the conversation.  This is how dh communicates.  Is it him?  Is it me?  I mean here is what I would have

preferred---

 

Dh: hi I left my phone at the house, can you bring it to your work and I will meet you there?
Scarlett: sure. See you in a few minutes

 

It isn't just that he doesn't tell me what he wants before telling me how he wants it.....it is also that he has this ritual of politeness that does not fit the urgency of the

situation  (he KNEW he had

made  me late already).  

 

One time he called me on his way to work--about 4 weeks after his total knee replacement

Dh:  Hello.

Scarlett:  Hello

Dh:  How are you?  

Scarlett:  Fine, and you?

Dh:  Fine.  I was wondering if you could send an email message to Dr. X  (Surgeon who did knee replacement) 

Scarlett:  Ok, about what?

Dh:  Well, I know they think there is no way I could have a PE (pulmonary embolism--A life threatening blood clot), because well, they gave me blood thinners after

surgery but (and my memory

is foggy on the rest of it but I finally had to interrupted him)

Scarlett:  Dh, please tell me what you are trying to say

Dh:  Well, my chest is hurting like it did that time (and again more rambling but I finally deduced he was saying he thought he was having a PE) and I said

Scarlett:  Let me hang up and call the doctor ok?  (I called the doctor---because no I am not going to EMAIL a doctor about an emergency--and the nurse said,

'tell him to go to the closest ER

if he can drive and if not call 911)

So I called him back and told him to go to the nearest ER (he was in the city by this point and he knew where he was and where to go--I didn't)

Turns out he was having a PE.  I mean, do normal people communicate like this?  If indeed you called your wife who is 45 minutes away during a

medical emergency would you first make

polite conversation before teling her you thought you were about to die?

Two questions---am I over reacting? And if not how do I nicely convey to him he is making me crazy with this style of communication?

 

 

Edited September 20, 2018 by Scarlett

[Petrichor]

No, that would drive me crazy too.

Have you tried to explain to him that it's ok to have quick conversations over the phone?

My DH will call me to chat on his way home from work, and sometimes I'm not in the mood to chat for 20 min, or am in the middle of doing something, and I end up just having to tell him "look, is there a reason you're calling? I'm in the middle of something"

So, maybe being more direct/not going along with the long drawn out pre-conversation. Something like this:

Me: "Hi, what's going on? I'm running late"

DH: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: ...

DH: (hopefully recalling my initial question) "I left my phone at home, can you bring it?"

Me: sure. see ya soon [hangs up]

[SKL]

On the second story, I would have done similar as I don't want people to overreact. Well, I would not have tried e-mailing vs. calling a doctor, but I probably would have waited longer to see if it got worse or better, then decided whether to go to an urgent care or ask my friends their thoughts later.  If I went to urgent care, I probably would have calmly informed my closest person in a voice that implied it wasn't much.

On the first, it almost sounds like he is predicting what you are going to say and assuming you actually said that.  In this case, "Yes I see you are calling on DS' phone, so I see you left your phone at home."

I'm not sure what kind of oddity that is ... but people do this.  People think they have done something but only thought it through (and I have done this on rare occasions - I thought I told someone they needed to do xyz but then I cannot find the email documentation).  This is apparently the problem behind some hot car deaths, where the parent thought about dropping the kid at daycare, pictured himself doing it, but actually did not.

I don't have any advice.  I do see the first incidence as a bit odd.

Edited September 20, 2018 by SKL

[Pen]

It sounds to me like you are both in a downward communication spiral and both contributing to it — I’d try to change the overall structure instead of analysis or trying to change him in the present structure  

Maybe: Don’t answer phone; let voice mail answer so that, hopefully, messages need to be more concise and clear?  

Let him know that you won’t be picking up the phone as you are getting ready to go, but will check messages at ____ minutes before leaving time so that if he has anything like a forgotten cell phone to leave you a clear short message and you will do what you can to help. 

Then, if you get such a message send him a short clear text message in reply. Such as “ leaving now, have your cellphone, meet me at my office at 9AM ❤️“

[unsinkable]

"Do normal people communicate like this?"

What a loaded question!

People communicate like that. I have a very close relative who works in an emergency care health field. One of his co-workers relatives called the co-worker as he was driving himself to the hospital, making small talk, and having an active MI. He mentioned it at the end of the conversation... "Can you meet me at your work?" Horrifyingly, he died on the table.

Edited September 20, 2018 by unsinkable
spelling

[catz]

Well, you've been married for some time correct and he's always communicated this way right?  I guess drastically changing him seems dfficult unless he really is interested in changing his communication style.  I actually kind of get this.  When your brain works much faster than your mouth it can be hard to verbalize quickly.  Though I think I am a much more effective communicator than I was in my early adult hood but that was an intentional choice I made to work on.  

I do think everyone reacts differently in an actual crises situation and it's just so hard to know until you get there and I totally get it just feeling surreal.  Calling your spouse for a reality check like in your 2nd example doesn't seem totally out of line there to me actually.  

That said, if I can't answer the phone, I do not.  Sometimes I send a text saying "What do you need - can't talk right now".   I do think it's fine to answer a call from my kids or DH's phone saying "Hi - what do you need, I'm on my way out" or "I'm standing in the grocery store".   But honestly, if I'm in the grocery store you're probably getting a 3 word text.  if he starts at the end of the story, it's fine to say "I'm on my way out the door, what do you need" without throwing in a "you always do X".  If he's feeling attacked, I don't think that's going to buy you anything and it will just drag it out longer.  You can help lead the conversation without being accusatory or falling down the rambling abyss.  My DH can do this too at times.  Use texting more if that might help.  We do most of our quick communicating that way.

ETA - I agree there is a range of normal.  This isn't that weird in terms of human communication IMO.  It's also a quirk that you find it extra annoying this many years into your marriage.  

 

Edited September 20, 2018 by FuzzyCatz

[Pen]

On second scenario, I do think that sort of thing is common. Knowing how your dh tends to behave, maybe pre-suggest that if anything seems wrong physically he is a person who should err on side of seeking major help ASAP rather than hanging back. 

[AmandaVT]

On the first one, when you said "Tell me what you need, you always start at the end of the story." feels a bit loaded and like it's setting yourself up for an argument. Instead, you could try saying something like: "What would you like to get from me? I didn't catch that part." and go from there. If he says: "My phone! I said that." Just say, "Oh sorry, I missed that part" and continue on the conversation. It diffuses a potential argument and may slowly, over time, teach him to start with the important bits. Saying "You always do XXX" can put the other party right into defensive mode. 

Also, people tend to text more succinctly than they speak, so you could always try moving to that mode of communication during busy times of the day.

[prairiewindmomma]

My gut feeling from this is that he thinks you're going to be upset by whatever he has to tell you and is dreading the backlash from what is going to come from the conversation.  I have a person in my family who did this also.  I really had to learn to watch my tone in my conversations.  Value the person in front of you rather than being ruffled by the disruption that they are causing you.

ETA: If he's born southern, he is being polite and there's not an easy way to fast forward to directness without being rude...especially if he knows that he is imposing on you...  

Edited September 20, 2018 by prairiewindmomma

[Scarlett]

I do think it is possible I am contributing to the downward spiral with my irritation and frustration.  I feel like smashing my head into my keyboard!  He now sent me a text that said, 'XRay Lab just sent me a text that this is the third attempt to contact me to pay the bill.'

I said via text, 'Ok, is it the third time they have contacted you?'  

He then sends me 4 dates.  I said what are those?  Dates of services?  Dates they tried to contact you?  He replies that those are the dates the text came to his phone 6/30, 8/14, 8/29 and 9/20.  And then this

This is the first of many totterings of 'get with the program hon' lessons on time and dates that may or may not correlate with a conversation or a txt in regards the task at hand and the need to know a date and or time of an event.
 

So yes, obviously, it has spiraled down....although I don't know what a tottering is I do gather that he feels like he is being chastised by me. 

The dates of service on the texts he was ignoring are from early 2017....so obviously they are bills that need to be taken care of, but as the bill payer in the family I find it difficult to pay a bill I have never seen and especially from 18 months ago.  

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, AmandaVT said:

On the first one, when you said "Tell me what you need, you always start at the end of the story." feels a bit loaded and like it's setting yourself up for an argument. Instead, you could try saying something like: "What would you like to get from me? I didn't catch that part." and go from there. If he says: "My phone! I said that." Just say, "Oh sorry, I missed that part" and continue on the conversation. It diffuses a potential argument and may slowly, over time, teach him to start with the important bits. Saying "You always do XXX" can put the other party right into defensive mode. 

Also, people tend to text more succinctly than they speak, so you could always try moving to that mode of communication during busy times of the day.

Yes, it is loaded.  I am at the end of my patience. Even when I have time to sit and listen to him try and get to the point I still don't know how to do it.  Texting is not much better if any...see my post above.

[prairiewindmomma]

Scarlett--this is a way personal question you do not need to answer on a public forum.....but is there any physical reason that your coping capacity is more limited than usual? Hormonal imbalance? Depression? Anxiety? Undiagnosed ADD? All of those things make me super cranky....but it wasn't a connection I made for quite a while.  Like, seriously stop and ponder the issue rather than giving a knee jerk denial----because I would always say that I was just fine, it was xyz situation that was making me crazy. XYZ situation was indeed crazy making, but my responses were not patient and kind to a person that I should love and cherish, iykwim.  I really had to retrain my heart and brain to act in a way that was respectful and kind.

Is this issue just with him or is it with others also?

[catz]

8 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Scarlett--this is a way personal question you do not need to answer on a public forum.....but is there any physical reason that your coping capacity is more limited than usual? Hormonal imbalance? Depression? Anxiety? Undiagnosed ADD? All of those things make me super cranky....but it wasn't a connection I made for quite a while.  Like, seriously stop and ponder the issue rather than giving a knee jerk denial----because I would always say that I was just fine, it was xyz situation that was making me crazy. XYZ situation was indeed crazy making, but my responses were not patient and kind to a person that I should love and cherish, iykwim.  I really had to retrain my heart and brain to act in a way that was respectful and kind.

Is this issue just with him or is it with others also?

This is actually a really good point.  If I find myself getting irritated for minor things that aren't new, I need to check my mental and physical health.  Have I been eating well, sleeping well, getting some exercise, managing my stress levels, etc?  

[SKL]

I get the feeling maybe talking in person is the way to go whenever possible.

Obviously it isn't always possible.  But the one on the overdue bills should be.

Maybe "let's discuss in person tonight" when possible to prevent confusion.

I have a business partner who makes me crazy by often assuming I know what she's thinking about.  For example, out of the blue:

"Did you send that report to the borrower?"

I've learned start out with:  "Wait a minute, back up.  What client?  ...  What report?  ...."

Ask the questions that will quickly bring out the most pertinent info.  At the end, ask him to please always lead off by stating the main topic.

Example:  "Regarding the bill for my hip surgery.  I am getting nagged to pay it."

 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Scarlett--this is a way personal question you do not need to answer on a public forum.....but is there any physical reason that your coping capacity is more limited than usual? Hormonal imbalance? Depression? Anxiety? Undiagnosed ADD? All of those things make me super cranky....but it wasn't a connection I made for quite a while.  Like, seriously stop and ponder the issue rather than giving a knee jerk denial----because I would always say that I was just fine, it was xyz situation that was making me crazy. XYZ situation was indeed crazy making, but my responses were not patient and kind to a person that I should love and cherish, iykwim.  I really had to retrain my heart and brain to act in a way that was respectful and kind.

Is this issue just with him or is it with others also?

That is why I posted it..  I want to know if this kind of stuff would make anyone else irritable and short.  It isn't a one time conversation.  It is every conversation with dh is like this.  The teens notice it too....They said it is like he looks at you and says, 'milk, egg, bread and cheese....'  And when you say, 'what?'  he says, 'I can't go because I have to finish this report at work, and I know you have to get to work later, but if you could I would appreciate it.'  And when you say, 'If I could what?'  'well, only if it isn't any trouble, because we all have to pull together, and later we can eat supper if you can.'  And when you get annoyed at this point he finally relays to you that he just gave you a grocery list and could you please pick up those things on your way home.

And yes sometimes I can handle it better than other times.....like when I am already late it just adds to the frustration, but it is still takes sooooo much concentration to talk to him.  As I am typing this I realize it is when he is asking something of someone else.  Hmmm...

I don't think I am hormonal....and no I don't feel like this with anyone else in general.  When he called this morning and I answered, I wasn't irritated.  I quickly picked it up because when a kid calls and he is on his way to school you think you need to make sure all is ok.  Even when I realized it was dh I wasn't irritated...I was just like, 'yes I see you are calling from dss's phone' and trying to speed things up I said, very nicely, 'whats up?'  

I love my husband.  He is a jewel in many ways.  So I am not trying to bash him or be overly critical....but I have GOT to figure out a way to deal with his way of communicating or I am going to lose my mind.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

I get the feeling maybe talking in person is the way to go whenever possible.

Obviously it isn't always possible.  But the one on the overdue bills should be.

Maybe "let's discuss in person tonight" when possible to prevent confusion.

I have a business partner who makes me crazy by often assuming I know what she's thinking about.  For example, out of the blue:

"Did you send that report to the borrower?"

I've learned start out with:  "Wait a minute, back up.  What client?  ...  What report?  ...."

Ask the questions that will quickly bring out the most pertinent info.  At the end, ask him to please always lead off by stating the main topic.

Example:  "Regarding the bill for my hip surgery.  I am getting nagged to pay it."

 

This is actually what I want to convey to him.  

[almondbutterandjelly]

Hi, Scarlett,

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but when you were relating the "milk, eggs, bread, and cheese" story, I instantly knew that he was providing a grocery list and the rest of it made total sense to me.  I also really didn't see a huge problem with the other conversations you mentioned.  So I do want to chime in and say these conversations would not bother me.  If you are particularly cranky about your hubby's style of communication, remember that you probably can't change a person and you need to figure out how to live with it.  Start by being kind, always kind, even when confused.  ((hugs))

 

[Scarlett]

He called my boss one day and my boss repeated the conversation.

Dh:  Hi how are you?

Boss:  Fine, what's up?

Dh:  Well, about hip high on my truck bed......like a tin can.....like a Budweiser can....maybe I should invest in Budweiser....

Boss:  Is your truck damaged?  (because boss owns a body shop he is thinking this is the reason for the phone call)

Dh:  Well, I don't know how it happened, it is just hip....or maybe waist high, a crease and I am not sure really but it is like owning a tin can.

Boss:  Do you want to bring it by for me to look at ?

Dh:  well, I could, but I am at work in the city now, so maybe Scarlett could bring it in.

This went on and on like this.  My boss told me the story with much frustration....and unfortunately I knew all too well what he was talking about. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm sorry, but I think I would last about a week, max, with that communication style.

The only way this post will possibly be helpful is it if makes you feel less crazy...I have no advice...

[Mimm]

Start communicating via text. ? No need for those polite preambles, just send the relevant info.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, perkybunch said:

Hi, Scarlett,

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but when you were relating the "milk, eggs, bread, and cheese" story, I instantly knew that he was providing a grocery list and the rest of it made total sense to me.  I also really didn't see a huge problem with the other conversations you mentioned.  So I do want to chime in and say these conversations would not bother me.  If you are particularly cranky about your hubby's style of communication, remember that you probably can't change a person and you need to figure out how to live with it.  Start by being kind, always kind, even when confused.  ((hugs))

 

I agree with the always kind even when confused.  That is my issue to work on.  But seriously, just because I can figure out what he might be talking about doesn't mean it is not a weird way to have to communicate.  

[SquirrellyMama]

You both have different communication styles, and that is ok. I'm more of a laid back conversationalist, my dh and some friends are more like you. We both drive each other nuts.

I will admit that I am bad about thinking I've already given part of the info when I haven't. I usually apologize and joke that I thought they could read my mind.

I will sometimes start at the end before getting to the beginning of a story, but I also read magazines from the back to the front. 

When I randomly changes topics my dh will ask me when we crossed this conversation bridge. I usually laugh and tell him we didn't, we did some topic cliff diving.

The hospital bill would drive me nuts. 

 

Kelly

[historically accurate]

Like Tibbie, I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. That would make me crazy during the first conversation. By the 4th conversation, I would be raving, "Dude, just say what you want/need!"

[unsinkable]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

He called my boss one day and my boss repeated the conversation.

Dh:  Hi how are you?

Boss:  Fine, what's up?

Dh:  Well, about hip high on my truck bed......like a tin can.....like a Budweiser can....maybe I should invest in Budweiser....

Boss:  Is your truck damaged?  (because boss owns a body shop he is thinking this is the reason for the phone call)

Dh:  Well, I don't know how it happened, it is just hip....or maybe waist high, a crease and I am not sure really but it is like owning a tin can.

Boss:  Do you want to bring it by for me to look at ?

Dh:  well, I could, but I am at work in the city now, so maybe Scarlett could bring it in.

This went on and on like this.  My boss told me the story with much frustration....and unfortunately I knew all too well what he was talking about. 

 

It sounds like he could be rehearsing conversations in his head before they actually begin. Then when they do begin outloud, he just starts where he is in his head.

[Murphy101]

It really doesn’t matter if it’s normal for a guy to talk like that or normal for a gal to be irritated by it. 

Let’s say this is not normal but an a guy who doesn’t communicate in an orderly manner is what you are stuck with for life. 

Well. You can’t change that so what are you going to do about it? Always be pissed off? Or take a deep breath, and wait it out when you have time in a patient attentive manner or when you don’t have time calmly joke that you need him to cut to the point in less than 2 minutes please?

Maybe try some active listening for both of you.

[klmama]

All this makes me wonder if he has ADHD and it's getting worse with age.

[SquirrellyMama]

2 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

 

It sounds like he could be rehearsing conversations in his head before they actually begin. Then when they do begin outloud, he just starts where he is in his head.

I do this all.the.time!

[Mimm]

42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I do think it is possible I am contributing to the downward spiral with my irritation and frustration.  I feel like smashing my head into my keyboard!  He now sent me a text that said, 'XRay Lab just sent me a text that this is the third attempt to contact me to pay the bill.'

I said via text, 'Ok, is it the third time they have contacted you?'  

He then sends me 4 dates.  I said what are those?  Dates of services?  Dates they tried to contact you?  He replies that those are the dates the text came to his phone 6/30, 8/14, 8/29 and 9/20.  And then this

This is the first of many totterings of 'get with the program hon' lessons on time and dates that may or may not correlate with a conversation or a txt in regards the task at hand and the need to know a date and or time of an event. 
 

So yes, obviously, it has spiraled down....although I don't know what a tottering is I do gather that he feels like he is being chastised by me. 

The dates of service on the texts he was ignoring are from early 2017....so obviously they are bills that need to be taken care of, but as the bill payer in the family I find it difficult to pay a bill I have never seen and especially from 18 months ago.   

Never mind, I see the situation is just as bad there.

Yikes, this would drive me nuts.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

It really doesn’t matter if it’s normal for a guy to talk like that or normal for a gal to be irritated by it. 

Let’s say this is not normal but an a guy who doesn’t communicate in an orderly manner is what you are stuck with for life. 

Well. You can’t change that so what are you going to do about it? Always be pissed off? Or take a deep breath, and wait it out when you have time in a patient attentive manner or when you don’t have time calmly joke that you need him to cut to the point in less than 2 minutes please?

Maybe try some active listening for both of you.

Yes, this is it in a nutshell.  But it does help me to feel like maybe I am not just being overly critical and irritable, but indeed he has a crazymaking communication style.  

[prairiewindmomma]

Scarlett--that additional information makes me think ADD or TIA.  Like, something is misfiring in his brain.  Is this new or has he always been like this? 

[unsinkable]

5 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

I do this all.the.time!

At Target service desk:

Hi, how are you doing this morning?

Me: I don't have the receipt.

Edited September 20, 2018 by unsinkable
words

[SKL]

8 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Instead of "asking "what?  try "what about the milk, egg, bread and cheese?"  And instead of "if I could what?" try something like "what is it that you want me to do and what does it have to do with milk, eggs, bread and cheese?"

I missed the milk, egg, cheese post, or I would reply to it here.  But ...

I would immediately know that "milk, egg, bread and cheese" was a grocery list.  At least I would text back to confirm - "Giant Eagle?  Just 4 items?"

I'm a pick my battles gal.

Edited September 20, 2018 by SKL

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Scarlett--that additional information makes me think ADD or TIA.  Like, something is misfiring in his brain.  Is this new or has he always been like this? 

I think he has always been this way.

Yesterday we were having a discussion via text about teens and the things they had left undone.....and it got  a little heated....and he went off on a 5 page (of scrolling text) ramble covering several different topics.....I was driving and had Siri read it....that was at 10 a.m.  About 2:30 I said, 'I had Siri read your message to me and she ran out of breath.'  And I included the sticky my tongue out winking emoji.  So ignoring for a while until I calm down works but not every conversation can be handled that way.  

I think I just have to take a deep breath and stop being so irritable.

[Spryte]

10 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Scarlett--that additional information makes me think ADD or TIA.  Like, something is misfiring in his brain.  Is this new or has he always been like this? 

 

Yes, has this gotten worse recently?

You say he’s always communicated this way, and you’ve been married for some time, so it either didn’t happen so frequently before, didn’t bother you as much, or you had a different way of handling it.  Or a combo of all three.

None of the conversations you listed would make me feel crazy.  I’d chalk it up to his idiosyncrasies and reframe it into a loveable trait.  Probably.  (My DH travels a lot, and when he does, oh how I miss little idiosyncrasies and things that once irritated me!  It helps with the reframing.)

But if this has recently increased in intensity, I might worry about him, or our relationship (he sounds nervous about how he thinks you will react, maybe).  

Or if something that previously didn’t bother me started bothering me, or if I could no longer use my coping skills ... I’d probably think I’m being irritable and need to look at what’s going on with myself.

 

ETA: you and I were posting at the same time and you answered that he’s always been this way.  

Edited September 20, 2018 by Spryte

[unsinkable]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I think he has always been this way.

Yesterday we were having a discussion via text about teens and the things they had left undone.....and it got  a little heated....and he went off on a 5 page (of scrolling text) ramble covering several different topics.....I was driving and had Siri read it....that was at 10 a.m.  About 2:30 I said, 'I had Siri read your message to me and she ran out of breath.'  And I included the sticky my tongue out winking emoji.  So ignoring for a while until I calm down works but not every conversation can be handled that way.  

I think I just have to take a deep breath and stop being so irritable.

 

My husband tells me, "We're not inside your brain. We have no idea what your talking about."

And I know I have to back up or start over or reign in the tangential references. 

But, he also learned to roll with me sometimes because it is all related and that eventually I get to the point and the connections are important. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Spryte said:

 

Yes, has this gotten worse recently?

You say he’s always communicated this way, and you’ve been married for some time, so it either didn’t happen so frequently before, didn’t bother you as much, or you had a different way of handling it.  Or a combo of all three.

None of the conversations you listed would make me feel crazy.  I’d chalk it up to his idiosyncrasies and reframe it into a loveable trait.  Probably.  (My DH travels a lot, and when he does, oh how I miss little idiosyncrasies and things that once irritated me!  It helps with the reframing.)

But if this has recently increased in intensity, I might worry about him, or our relationship (he sounds nervous about how he thinks you will react, maybe).  

Or if something that previously didn’t bother me started bothering me, or if I could no longer use my coping skills ... I’d probably think I’m being irritable and need to look at what’s going on with myself.

Yeah, its probably me.  LOL

The other day he called

Dh:  Hi How are you?

Scarlett:  Fine, and you? (I have learned to live with this little ritual of politeness as if we are acquaintances instead of marriage mates)

Dh:  What are you doing right now?

Scarlett:  Not much, why?

Dh:  Are you working?  Are you sitting down or what?

Scarlett:  I am sitting down at the moment....why?

Dh:  Are you busy?  I mean, do you have a minute?  

Scarlett:  Yes, I have a minute, what is it?

Dh:  Well, I just wanted to read this report to you to see if it makes sense.

Scarlett:  Sure go ahead.  

I remained calm and polite through out that, but honestly folks I feel like I am living in the twilight zone at times.  

My version would have been

Scarlett: Hi I just finished this report, do you have a minute to listen to it to be sure it sounds ok?

Dh:  Sure. Go ahead. (or I will when I finish this task, can I call you right back?)

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

 

My husband tells me, "We're not inside your brain. We have no idea what your talking about."

And I know I have to back up or start over or reign in the tangential references. 

But, he also learned to roll with me sometimes because it is all related and that eventually I get to the point and the connections are important. 

I need to remember this line.  

[HS Mom in NC]

There are cultural and personality components to this.  It drives me crazy too.  Unfortunately, we're living in a culture (in the US) that tolerates poor communication skills. Different personalities value being direct and concise differently. There are people who actually like chit chat, but I'm not one of those people. 

Dh: hi how are you?
Me: Fine

Dh:   I'm calling from ds's phone

Me: Do you want something from me?
Dh: I'm going to wait at your work and just get it from you then if you don't mind to bring it to me and if not I'll just go on
Me: I don't know what "it" is because you haven't told me.  You're supposed to use the noun before you replace it with a pronoun for clarity.

 

One time he called me on his way to work--about 4 weeks after his total knee replacement

Dh:  Hello.

Scarlett:  Hello

Dh:  How are you?  

Scarlett:  Fine.

Dh:  Fine.  I was wondering if you could send an email message to Dr. X  (Surgeon who did knee replacement) 

Scarlett:  Ok, about what?

Dh:  Well, I know they think there is no way I could have a PE (pulmonary embolism--A life threatening blood clot), because well, they gave me blood thinners after

surgery but (and my memory

is foggy on the rest of it but I finally had to interrupted him)

Scarlett:  Dh, please tell me what you are trying to say. Note*  I wouldn't have used this phrase because he already IS trying to say something.
Me: What's the problem?

Dh:  Well, my chest is hurting like it did that time (and again more rambling but I finally deduced he was saying he thought he was having a PE) and I said

Me: Do you think you're having a PE?

After he had recovered I would've told him he should've just told me from the beginning that he thought he was having a PE instead of me having to do detective work.  The point of communication is to get what's in your head into someone else's head 
 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Of all the conversations you've paraphrased, the only thing that would bother me is the "I knew you'd bitch at me".  Maybe this was appropriate if you were exasperated and snappy with asking when he needed, but I just never feel that kind of language is acceptable.  I have a very low tolerance for any off-color words/insults.  

Everything else, totally normal.  My DH takes FOREVER to get to his point.  I've gotten better at remaining calm while he meanders his way there.  

 

[Soror]

This reminds me of my dh and I.

With dh and I it is an issue with the volume of my voice and dh's hearing. I abhor speaking loudly, I find it physically uncomfortable and his hearing is getting progressively worse bit by bit working in a loud environment. I'd feel aggravated because I'd think he was purposely trying to be obtuse to prove a point. He'd be aggravated because he felt that I wasn't trying hard enough. My thought was I've always talked this way- it is hard to change something you've done your whole life. It is much better now, but that is just from working on the relationship in general and giving each other grace. Honestly, I *try* to make sure I'm looking at him when I'm speaking and to make sure my volume is decent, I don't always succeed. He is trying to be more patient and realizes I'm not trying to aggravate him.

Looking at your convos I'd agree with some previous posters, some of your language is inflammatory and sometimes you could do a little inference, maybe work on meeting in the middle a little bit. The goal isn't to be right but to figure out a way to work together. A lot of times when we work on our end it softens them up to work on their part.

[Murphy101]

About 2:30 I said, 'I had Siri read your message to me and she ran out of breath.'

I think the bolded is rude and dismissive and comes off as just wishing he would shut up. Which personally doesn’t inspire me to have comfortable conversations with someone or to feel my thoughts matter to them. 

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yeah, its probably me.  LOL

The other day he called

Dh:  Hi How are you?

Scarlett:  Fine, and you? (I have learned to live with this little ritual of politeness as if we are acquaintances instead of marriage mates)

Dh:  What are you doing right now?

Scarlett:  Not much, why?

Dh:  Are you working?  Are you sitting down or what?

Scarlett:  I am sitting down at the moment....why?

Dh:  Are you busy?  I mean, do you have a minute?  

Scarlett:  Yes, I have a minute, what is it?

Dh:  Well, I just wanted to read this report to you to see if it makes sense.

Scarlett:  Sure go ahead.  

I remained calm and polite through out that, but honestly folks I feel like I am living in the twilight zone at times.  

My version would have been

Scarlett: Hi I just finished this report, do you have a minute to listen to it to be sure it sounds ok?

Dh:  Sure. Go ahead. (or I will when I finish this task, can I call you right back?)

 

Honestly? I think he does this because you have made him feel you are not someone who cares what he has to say and so he is uncomfortable sharing with you.  Possibly because he feels you are always ready to detonate, whether that’s true or not is less important than that he may feel you are. I think he is seeking assurance that it’s okay to talk to you  and your verbal and nonverbal cues are loudly saying it isn’t while at the same demanding he do so.

What he may need you to say is, “Say whatever you need to say. I’m not in a bad mood.  (Or admit) I am irritated right now, but it’s not because of you. You can talk to me.” And then set aside whatever you are doing and give him your attention without comment or sighs or other cues of irritation. 

[SKL]

To be honest, I think he sounds like he's trying to be considerate.  Maybe in a past life, someone gave him a hard time when he was too direct or had too high expectations for their taste.

Is he the kind of person who feels unsure he is worth your time sometimes?

[Murphy101]

And I don’t say the previous as a jab at you. His perception may be entirely wrong. But his actions and feelings are going to be based on that perception. So try my suggestion for a week or so and see if he or you notices a difference. You seem very abrupt and short with him to me. I understand why you are and would totally be mildly irritated too, but understanding him is going to be more helpful than self-validation I should think. 

[SKL]

Also, when my kids are not being clear in their speech, I often say something like:

"I really want to understand what you are saying, so please speak more clearly."  or, "Try again.  What?"  Thus letting them know it's not that I don't have time for them, I just don't understand them.

[HS Mom in NC]

I should also address the second conversation about a suspected serious emergency medical issue.  I had a lung spontaneously collapse while driving home at night with my then 6 and 8 year olds in the vehicle. I didn't know the medical explanation for it, but my chest hurt, I couldn't breathe all the way in, and I was losing feeling in my right hand/arm. I knew I wasn't having a heart attack. I actually thought about my husband's reaction before I called him with something so serious and thought about how I would want someone to get the most essential information first.  It's just not kind to string someone along and have it build up to being more and more serious each step of the way. 

I called my husband and said, "I'll be home in 5 minutes and you have to take me to the hospital.  I can't breathe in, my chest hurts, and I can't feel my right hand." If I had started out with "How are you? ..(response) ... Oh, I'm not so good..(response)...  You know how they say symptoms of a heart attack are loss of feeling in an arm, chest pains, and breathing problems?  Well, I don't feel terribly bad, but I'm only a few minutes from the house, so plan to take me ...(response) ...The hospital..(response)...no, not a heart attack but this might be significant......(response).... Yes, I'm having those symptoms. Why do you sound to irritable? " Because when a possible serious medical situation arises people go into emergency mode and they know time matters in many emergencies.  They need to assess right away if this is a drive to the emergency room or a call the professional EMTS to take you under their expert care.

Just like when my oldest was 5ish and crying hysterically after playing outside on the swings.  I asked, "What's wrong?" And she launched into, "We went to play on the swings, I didn't want to but everyone else did, then I had to wait until Emily was done, and Mercy said it was her turn, but it was mine, and then I was on the blue swing...." I put an end to that mess with saying matter of factly, "Tell me the end of this story first." So she said, "I jumped off and fell back and hit my head on the ground." Start correcting that earlier in life with people prone to it-it will help their relationships.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If he's getting worse because he's got several people whose recent interactions have left him feeling like he doesn't deserve the space he takes up on the planet*, here is a phrase I used when one of my boys on the spectrum was having some speech issues:

"It's okay, I have time for you to say it." 

(Good eye contact, stop everything, give full attention), "Yes, Billy, I am ready to listen."

It's the same amount of time, waiting for him to get to the point, but this way helps build his confidence.

 

*ITA with Murphy that it's rare for anyone to have intended to make people feel unwelcome, if they have communication issues; it just happens. We're understandably impatient, they're understandably sensitive.

[SKL]

1 minute ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Just like when my oldest was 5ish and crying hysterically after playing outside on the swings.  I asked, "What's wrong?" And she launched into, "We went to play on the swings, I didn't want to but everyone else did, then I had to wait until Emily was done, and Mercy said it was her turn, but it was mine, and then I was on the blue swing...." I put an end to that mess with saying matter of factly, "Tell me the end of this story first." So she said, "I jumped off and fell back and hit my head on the ground." Start correcting that earlier in life with people prone to it-it will help their relationships.

Sounds familiar!  I may stop them and say, "what hurts?" and then go from there.

[Familia]

I just want to say, Scarlett, that I appreciate your honest interest in being a better person all the time in your family relationships.  You lay yourself out there on the board and weather the good and bad advice/opinions/judgements so well.

Often, I see at least a little of myself in your queries and learn a lot from the discussion!

[unsinkable]

4 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I should also address the second conversation about a suspected serious emergency medical issue.  I had a lung spontaneously collapse while driving home at night with my then 6 and 8 year olds in the vehicle. I didn't know the medical explanation for it, but my chest hurt, I couldn't breathe all the way in, and I was losing feeling in my right hand/arm. I knew I wasn't having a heart attack. I actually thought about my husband's reaction before I called him with something so serious and thought about how I would want someone to get the most essential information first.  It's just not kind to string someone along and have it build up to being more and more serious each step of the way. 

I called my husband and said, "I'll be home in 5 minutes and you have to take me to the hospital.  I can't breathe in, my chest hurts, and I can't feel my right hand." If I had started out with "How are you? ..(response) ... Oh, I'm not so good..(response)...  You know how they say symptoms of a heart attack are loss of feeling in an arm, chest pains, and breathing problems?  Well, I don't feel terribly bad, but I'm only a few minutes from the house, so plan to take me ...(response) ...The hospital..(response)...no, not a heart attack but this might be significant......(response).... Yes, I'm having those symptoms. Why do you sound to irritable? " Because when a possible serious medical situation arises people go into emergency mode and they know time matters in many emergencies.  They need to assess right away if this is a drive to the emergency room or a call the professional EMTS to take you under their expert care.

Just like when my oldest was 5ish and crying hysterically after playing outside on the swings.  I asked, "What's wrong?" And she launched into, "We went to play on the swings, I didn't want to but everyone else did, then I had to wait until Emily was done, and Mercy said it was her turn, but it was mine, and then I was on the blue swing...." I put an end to that mess with saying matter of factly, "Tell me the end of this story first." So she said, "I jumped off and fell back and hit my head on the ground." Start correcting that earlier in life with people prone to it-it will help their relationships.

Or, you could have pulled over and called 911 before you blacked and crashed your car with your kids in it.