consequences for kids not doing chores

[caedmyn]

What do you do for consequences for kids (7 and 9 yo's) who don't do their chores?  They run off when I'm not looking, find an endless number of reasons to stall so that the job takes 5x as long as it should, etc.  I always make them do them in the end but I am so tired of battling them.

[Violet Crown]

We believe in consequences that are, you know, consequences. If parents have to do all the work, then there's no time to do fun things with the kids. Did I say we were going to the pool? I know, but I had to clear the table and wash the dishes instead, sorry. Oh look at all the laundry you folded, I bet I have time for a game of Sorry with you now.

Another natural consequence is that older sisters will be very irritated at having to pick up your slack. But when you join them in getting the living room picked up, they treat you like you're a big kid and not a baby who can't help out.

The ultimate consequence is that doing chores is being part of the family, and getting lots of family affirmation for that.

[Miss Tick]

Can you remove the battle somehow? Like, once your chore is done and I've checked it you can come have lunch. Then it is in their own self-interest to get there before the pizza is all gone and they are stuck with pb&j.

Or, like VioletC's examples, explain that they are demonstrating the behavior of a younger child and that has consequences, then start removing privileges. 

Make it as important to them as it is to you.

[2squared]

At our house, I have a couple levers that I rotate through:

1) chores must be done before eating the next meal

2)turn off the wifi and electronics until chores are done

3) no wifi or electronics tomorrow if your chores aren't complete today (including mom needing to remind you)

4) no fun activity until chores are done (playing with friends, etc)  work comes before olay

 

 

[Violet Crown]

33 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

 find an endless number of reasons to stall so that the job takes 5x as long as it should, etc.  

To add: at that age, everything takes 5x as long as it should. Actually my teenager took 3 hours to replace a Quickset doorknob, a 20-minute job. Don’t ask how long it took my oldest to do her own taxes (with much parental help) this year. 

[bolt.]

Unsupervised chores aren’t a thing here, so there would have to be quite some open resistance for the chores actually to not happen (while I was right there, telling them the steps and being encouraging). I guess the “consequences” for having trouble getting to work is that chores take forever and free time evaporates?

If things went off the deep end over chores, usually chores themselves are not the core issue. We’d get through the meltdown and do double chores at the next chore time. (We also double-up if we have to stop before a chore is done, like if we have to go somewhere, or if we just call chores off to start school.)

We don’t do screen time unless things are reasonably tidy and chores are up to date, so, that’s kind of like taking away screen time for undone chores, I guess.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I agree with bolt. Until children are used to the responsibility and routine of chores, they are not left to do them unsupervised. If you want them to learn to be brisk, efficient, and thorough, you have to be there with them, and actually work with them, for some time. A bad side effect of letting them mope and whine and string it out for an hour, is that they will internalize that attitude toward chores. It's best not to let that attitude or habit take root. 

Model how to mop the floor. Mop half of it, then hand over the mop and bucket. "You do this part." And stand there while she does it. Offer mild praise, just barely, and then the two of you move on to the next task. For the 7yo, it would be good to make a game of it when you can, to keep the attitude light, even while you insist on finishing the job together before doing anything else.

Please do not say you don't have time to supervise chores or work with your children. You can do this with a baby on your hip, or even with a baby hollering from a pack-n-play in the other room for five minutes at a time. You can do it if you're tired. Again, most housework chores for 7 and 9yos should only take 15 minutes or so, at the most. That's not independent time, which will be 20 to 30 minutes (we have all BTDT). That's real time for the chore, if Mommy is there modeling and supervising.

 

Edited August 21, 2018 by Tibbie Dunbar

[brehon]

For ds12 tonight — washing the same pots and pans plus their respective tops four (that’s 4!!) times tonight. 

He was more interested in playing a game with his siblings. And, yes, he’s been taught and shown how to wash pots and pans. <sigh>

[SamanthaCarter]

We trade chores for magnetic tokens. The kids trade tokens for 15 min increments of screen time. 

[HomeAgain]

It's a respect issue, not a chore issue. They don't take you at your word that they should be doing X, so they try to wear you down.

I'm the calm, mean person in the house.  I have no problem going over, removing whatever my child has picked to do instead, and telling them they may have it back after chores are done...as I'm redirecting them to the chore and standing there as they do it.  They find this actually frightening.  It's not yelling or being emotionally involved in their behavior.  It's being the quiet giant.  And they don't like it.

I'm a big fan of shadowing a child and allowing them the freedom as they demonstrate the responsibility.  It doesn't usually take too long - slip ups mean I'm right back there attached to the hip and we start the whole process all over again.

[Tanaqui]

When I'm calm and collected, I know that being more punitive doesn't always help the way I think it will.

Before I suggest consequences - which, incidentally, are going to vary by child in terms of effectiveness - I want to know more of the situation. Are the chores developmentally appropriate? Are they perhaps overly complex or do they legitimately take too long? Do your kids have enough scaffolding and supervision? (If they're in the habit of running off, before thinking about punishing them, my first step would be to make sure I'm in the room as they do their chores.) Are there perhaps other jobs of equal necessity and "weight" that they'd prefer to do?

[BooksandBoys]

There are only a few things that can happen reliably here if I’m not actively engaged. Those things: the oldest (10) getting dressed (and only getting dressed....teeth or other grooming not included), oldest wandering off to read a book, and the middle (7) finding food to eat. Otherwise, I’m there, I’m supervising, I’m coaching. It’s just the way it has to be. I may cry about this reality occasionally, but it’s my life :-). 

Lately, I’ve been having the older two help me with the entire dining room/kitchen clean-up process every evening. That means I’m coaching and reminding and bringing attention back when they wander off. It means I’m standing there loading the dishwasher and encouraging while one is mopping. I’m teaching one to rinse dishes while the other is sweeping right next to us. If I assigned any of those tasks and walked away, nothing would get done. Not because my kids are bad...they aren’t. They are good kids. But they have autism and adhd and they need my help. I can’t hand them a chart and expect the list to be done. And 5x as long? Yeah, that’s everything. I start waking my older two up 1.25 HOURS before we need to leave in the mornings...and the only thing they have to do before we leave is put clothes on. We do their personal grooming and food when we get back. It takes 1.25 hours to wake up and put on clothes because if I try to rush middle guy, it’s meltdown city. 

So...in our family, consequences happen for outright defiance if I’m standing a Right There asking for help and it’s not being offered. But even then, consequences are more like: you just drained all my energy by making me ask you 10 times, so I don’t have the energy to play that game. Consequences aren’t given for me giving them a list of things to do. Because, though I do train that ability a little at a time (they have school lists, for example), I’m still fully engaged in the process at this point for there to be a chance of it getting done. 

[maize]

I think I remember potential ADHD/executive functioning difficulties in your family? That will be relevant to any discussion.

Executive function problems can make consequences ineffective.

[caedmyn]

Staying with them all the time while doing chores is not feasible for me with a bunch of kids.  While I am supervising one child doing chores in the kitchen, the toddler spends all his time trying repeatedly to climb onto the counter so he can play in the sink (there is no way to prevent the access he has to climb up there due to kitchen features I can't modify or childproof).  If I put him behind the baby gate in the living room and supervise kid in kitchen, he spends all his time climbing on the baby's pack n play so he can climb over the half wall between the kitchen and the living room. 

One child likely has ADHD, one is fine.  This is willful disobedience though...the one with ADHD has no trouble focusing long enough to load the dishwasher.  It's just more fun to run off.

They went to bed an hour early tonight for not doing their chores today.  Maybe a few nights of that will magically inprove their willingness to do their chores.

[Bootsie]

4 hours ago, caedmyn said:

What do you do for consequences for kids (7 and 9 yo's) who don't do their chores?  They run off when I'm not looking, find an endless number of reasons to stall so that the job takes 5x as long as it should, etc.  I always make them do them in the end but I am so tired of battling them.

Are these chores that it matters if it takes 5X as long as it should?  If it is cutting into time they would like to do something, they would have no incentive to dawdle.  For example, if the chore is to sweep the kitchen, does it really matter to you if it takes 5 minutes or 25 minutes?   If possible, I would have the consequence of dawdling cut into their time, not mine.  (I say that as I sit her dawdling rather than sweeping my floor or unloading the dishwasher ? ) 

 

[caedmyn]

5 minutes ago, jdahlquist said:

Are these chores that it matters if it takes 5X as long as it should?  If it is cutting into time they would like to do something, they would have no incentive to dawdle.  For example, if the chore is to sweep the kitchen, does it really matter to you if it takes 5 minutes or 25 minutes?   If possible, I would have the consequence of dawdling cut into their time, not mine.  (I say that as I sit her dawdling rather than sweeping my floor or unloading the dishwasher ? ) 

 

Yes, because taking forever is often interfering with the next thing for the day.  For instance, lunch clean-up needs to be done before I turn on the movie they watch so I can nap while the youngest ones are napping (they have to watch the movie to stay out of trouble, so taking that away isn't an option). Also, the longer a chore takes, the more time I am having to spend trying to keep their siblings from distracting them from their job.

[Bootsie]

16 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

Yes, because taking forever is often interfering with the next thing for the day.  For instance, lunch clean-up needs to be done before I turn on the movie they watch so I can nap while the youngest ones are napping (they have to watch the movie to stay out of trouble, so taking that away isn't an option). Also, the longer a chore takes, the more time I am having to spend trying to keep their siblings from distracting them from their job.

Does lunch clean-up really need to be done before the movie is turned on?  What would happen if it isn't done by then?  Could something be delayed later?  For example, is there a snack in the afternoon that they would not get if lunch is not cleaned up?

If having lunch cleaned up an taking a nap is a priority, I would try to shift chores to something else at another time of day to avoid a power struggle.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

6 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

Yes, because taking forever is often interfering with the next thing for the day.  For instance, lunch clean-up needs to be done before I turn on the movie they watch so I can nap while the youngest ones are napping (they have to watch the movie to stay out of trouble, so taking that away isn't an option). Also, the longer a chore takes, the more time I am having to spend trying to keep their siblings from distracting them from their job.

 

Another trick is to give young children chores that are important and helpful, especially for habit training, but NOT essential for your next steps. You do the essentials, so you can keep your routine flowing. All through the day, until they've gone to bed.

After lunch, you could have the children each clear their own table setting, then set them to coloring or playing, while you take ten minutes or less to do the rest yourself (put food away, wipe the table and counter, sweep the floor). Then start the movie and nap time.

I am not saying that they shouldn't learn to clean an entire kitchen, or that a 9yo can't do more than scrape and rinse her own dishes and load them in the dishpan or dishwasher. I'm just saying don't let your essential routine get derailed by children taking too long on chores.

Find another time of day for them to learn character building thru being made to complete harder chores, set chore assignments that are less crucial, and/or do training in a new task on the weekend. Give them time to master a simple routine before adding another responsibility. 

Try man to man defense for awhile, instead of zone: Make them all do the same self care at the same time, just their own personal upkeep.

Get dressed, put pajamas away, make beds.

Come to the breakfast table nicely, do proper good mornings and say grace or whatever you do, eat together, have each clear their own table setting.

Now they all wash faces and hands, comb hair, and brush teeth. 

Similar routines for other meals, cleaning up toys, putting away school materials, bedtime.

Once you've got them all moving through their personal care like clockwork, then start adding chores and tasks that one child will do for the benefit of the whole family. One chore per child at a time, model and supervise, give them time to master it and get used to it.

In the meantime, you do the zone cleaning, and take charge of your schedule.

 

 

[Pen]

If you have enough dc, you might be able to divide them into two teams that compete for some desirable prize each day awarded For speed and excellence.

For example a 10 and 4 year old versus a 6 and 8 year old. Or two littles against one bigger.

Fairly littles can do things like dusting with a sock over hand, or wipe a table. 

[HomeAgain]

9 hours ago, caedmyn said:

Staying with them all the time while doing chores is not feasible for me with a bunch of kids.  While I am supervising one child doing chores in the kitchen, the toddler spends all his time trying repeatedly to climb onto the counter so he can play in the sink (there is no way to prevent the access he has to climb up there due to kitchen features I can't modify or childproof).  If I put him behind the baby gate in the living room and supervise kid in kitchen, he spends all his time climbing on the baby's pack n play so he can climb over the half wall between the kitchen and the living room. 

One child likely has ADHD, one is fine.  This is willful disobedience though...the one with ADHD has no trouble focusing long enough to load the dishwasher.  It's just more fun to run off.

They went to bed an hour early tonight for not doing their chores today.  Maybe a few nights of that will magically inprove their willingness to do their chores.

I have never yet been able to see a child punished into doing what's right.  They may do it for a while, but not long term, and not when you're not watching.  You have to rethink your approach and make habit training like potty training - where you expect it to be time intensive for a while, but easing up after they get it.

You can keep the toddler occupied with you while you remain in the room for the big children.  You can.  Grab an interactive book or teach finger rhymes or give him a small bowl of water to play with on the floor.  But you have to be present to teach your older kids how to form the habits they need.

[SereneHome]

Following bc I have the same problem.

@HomeAgain - I very much agree with you that you can't punish a child into doing what's right.  But if not punishment, what then?  I know everyone on here and even my husband say that I should be right there, but after 4 yrs of have doing the SAME chore and still not doing it consistently, I am not sure if that will ever work. ?

[HomeAgain]

2 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

Following bc I have the same problem.

@HomeAgain - I very much agree with you that you can't punish a child into doing what's right.  But if not punishment, what then?  I know everyone on here and even my husband say that I should be right there, but after 4 yrs of have doing the SAME chore and still not doing it consistently, I am not sure if that will ever work. ?

Your oldest is 10, right?
By that age we had switched to a contract system in our house.  I made task cards that broke down every chore - how to do it and what the end result should look like.  These were kept in a common spot so all of us could pick up a card and see exactly what needed to be done. And we all sat down and came up with a contract that tied in allowance.  The main points: chores that were done by X time without parental interference were paid for. I had a pocket chart on the wall with slips for each chore, each day, that he would move to the "done" pocket and I would gather as I checked.  If they were, in fact, done, I would put them in a jar in my room.  If not, they went back in that day's pocket and he was talked to.  BUT, chores that were NOT done by X time fell into parent-led territory, where I stood over him.  These chores were still done, but absolutely no pay.  I pay for taking responsibility, not the work.  This meant there was no getting out of the chore - they were being done either way.  The only thing he controlled was whether or not he got paid for it.

Until the habits were pretty well developed on both our parts, though, this wouldn't have worked.  If I didn't have faith that he could do it and if I wasn't in the habit of checking and being on top of it, it would have been a failure.

[caedmyn]

1 hour ago, --- said:

 

So is the climbing toddler the main thing keeping you from helping the other kids?  Maybe spend extra time working on that problem??  

It's a combination of things.  Toddler, nursing 1 month old, almost always feeling overwhelmed, brain fog that makes it hard to focus, sensory issues where too much noise or trying to watch too many people at once is overwhelming, sleep deprivation.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You deserve help. You do.

If a mother is up for 24/7 childminding and home education, and able to do it, that is great.

If not, for ANY reason, that's why we have public schools, preschools, daycares, mothers day out programs, babysitters, and hired mother's helpers.

Not because we are failures at some impossible ideal, but because most families need community.

[JustEm]

10 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

It's a combination of things.  Toddler, nursing 1 month old, almost always feeling overwhelmed, brain fog that makes it hard to focus, sensory issues where too much noise or trying to watch too many people at once is overwhelming, sleep deprivation.

I get overstimulated by noise and too many visual distractions as well. Like to the point where it physically hurts me when I'm overstimulated. I bought noise cancelling headphones and listen to audiobooks almost constantly to drawn the noise of 5 kids out. When I need to teach or guide them in chores and I can't hand all the visuals I remain present in the room but I face away from them and give instructions.  It took time for them to get used to these things but I made it clear that sometimes this is what I needed to not get angry and overwhelmed. They have seen how it has helped me. so now when I turn away from them they listen more closely because physically facing the opposite direction makes the sound project differently so they need to listen differently.

But with a 1 month old just give yourself and everyone time. 

[Katy]

13 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

It's a respect issue, not a chore issue. They don't take you at your word that they should be doing X, so they try to wear you down.

I'm the calm, mean person in the house.  I have no problem going over, removing whatever my child has picked to do instead, and telling them they may have it back after chores are done...as I'm redirecting them to the chore and standing there as they do it.  They find this actually frightening.  It's not yelling or being emotionally involved in their behavior.  It's being the quiet giant.  And they don't like it.

I'm a big fan of shadowing a child and allowing them the freedom as they demonstrate the responsibility.  It doesn't usually take too long - slip ups mean I'm right back there attached to the hip and we start the whole process all over again.

 

This is pretty much my approach too, though when it crosses into willful disobedience I have no trouble telling them they will be punished for the disobedience after I am done supervising them properly completing the chore. And then I follow through without emotion or mercy.

11 hours ago, caedmyn said:

Staying with them all the time while doing chores is not feasible for me with a bunch of kids.  While I am supervising one child doing chores in the kitchen, the toddler spends all his time trying repeatedly to climb onto the counter so he can play in the sink (there is no way to prevent the access he has to climb up there due to kitchen features I can't modify or childproof).  If I put him behind the baby gate in the living room and supervise kid in kitchen, he spends all his time climbing on the baby's pack n play so he can climb over the half wall between the kitchen and the living room. 

One child likely has ADHD, one is fine.  This is willful disobedience though...the one with ADHD has no trouble focusing long enough to load the dishwasher.  It's just more fun to run off.

They went to bed an hour early tonight for not doing their chores today.  Maybe a few nights of that will magically inprove their willingness to do their chores.

 

I think you might need a playpen that moves easily so the toddler can be in sight but kept out of trouble.  We have this one: https://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-Play-Portable-Playard/dp/B00KBGTRAC/ref=sr_1_3_a_it?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1534947069&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=playpen&amp;dpID=41ScPp5hwoL&amp;preST=_SY300_QL70_&amp;dpSrc=srch

It moves and collapses easily, but is tall enough a toddler cannot climb out of it.

12 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

It's a combination of things.  Toddler, nursing 1 month old, almost always feeling overwhelmed, brain fog that makes it hard to focus, sensory issues where too much noise or trying to watch too many people at once is overwhelming, sleep deprivation.

 

It sounds like you need a day off.  Can you plan one this weekend,  leave the house with just you and the newborn?  Or give up on chores for 2 days and trade babysitting with another stay at home mom? 

[SKL]

I am not the best at getting kids to do chores, but what works best for me is just making them stop their fun and go do it.  Eventually they get into the habit or they do it to avoid hearing me nag.

It is important to make sure that they have free time as a result of doing their work promptly.  Otherwise there is no motivation to be prompt.  The amount of total work they need to do should always leave a nice block of fun time, and we must fight the temptation to make use of that time.

 

[Pen]

17 hours ago, caedmyn said:

What do you do for consequences for kids (7 and 9 yo's) who don't do their chores?  They run off when I'm not looking, find an endless number of reasons to stall so that the job takes 5x as long as it should, etc.  I always make them do them in the end but I am so tired of battling them.

 

1 hour ago, caedmyn said:

It's a combination of things.  Toddler, nursing 1 month old, almost always feeling overwhelmed, brain fog that makes it hard to focus, sensory issues where too much noise or trying to watch too many people at once is overwhelming, sleep deprivation.

 

Consequence:

Sounds like your older dc should be sent to brick and mortar school this year. 

 

And if you can get some home help for a little while it sounds like that could be beneficial. Either someone to do some of the chores or someone to take care of littles for a while so you can sleep. 

Edited August 22, 2018 by Pen

[rebcoola]

If it something I really need done I would bribe,  if they can get lunch clean up in x amount of time than they can have Y special treat while watching the movie.  Consquences here are usually fairly natural if you aren't big enough to help than you are big enough to do whatever fun thing come next.