Adult DD Wanting Validation

[goldberry]

Okay, so I've never been a "my kid is nothing but wonderful" sort of mom.  I am honest in my criticism and also generous with praise.  DD is a person though who can just not let something drop.  If I disagree with the way she handled something, she will go for hours trying to get me to approve of the her way.  I can't count how many times since she's been older, I've said "I think this, you think that. We disagree. That's okay.  Let's just drop it."  But no, you need to understand and why don't you understand, etc.  

She is very sensitive to my approval or disapproval.  She always has been.  We've talked about how I can disagree or disapprove of something and still think she is a smart good person.  We've talked about as she got older that it is okay for her to choose options or paths that I don't approve of, and that's in fact what adults do.  They don't always agree with their parents and don't always choose the same.

Is there some other way to communicate this when we disagree so that she just drops it?  Because honestly I'm working on letting it drop myself, and when she keeps on and on it's hard not to be re-engaged in arguing my point. 

[scholastica]

If she is an adult, you probably should drop the criticism. If she asks, offer your opinion with the caveat of “I probably would have done it thusly, but I’m sure your way works just as well.” I’m finding that having an adult child requires an awful lot of tongue-biting. Once the child is an adult, you’ve pretty much taught them your way, and it’s time to let them choose their own paths, even if it’s not the way you would do it as an older, wiser adult.

[Scarlett]

21 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Okay, so I've never been a "my kid is nothing but wonderful" sort of mom.  I am honest in my criticism and also generous with praise.  DD is a person though who can just not let something drop.  If I disagree with the way she handled something, she will go for hours trying to get me to approve of the her way.  I can't count how many times since she's been older, I've said "I think this, you think that. We disagree. That's okay.  Let's just drop it."  But no, you need to understand and why don't you understand, etc.  

She is very sensitive to my approval or disapproval.  She always has been.  We've talked about how I can disagree or disapprove of something and still think she is a smart good person.  We've talked about as she got older that it is okay for her to choose options or paths that I don't approve of, and that's in fact what adults do.  They don't always agree with their parents and don't always choose the same.

Is there some other way to communicate this when we disagree so that she just drops it?  Because honestly I'm working on letting it drop myself, and when she keeps on and on it's hard not to be re-engaged in arguing my point. 

I have the same kind of kid.  ?  He will talk a subject to death.  And if he feels he has the reasonable argument he will not stop....he wants me to agree with his argument.  And sometimes I just don't really care.....I mean he is obviously going to feel differently about some things....but man, he wears me out.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Stop giving your opinion on how your adult dd is handling things.  Unless how she handles things directly impacts  you in way, it really shouldn't be your place to give any kind of feedback. 

[Kim in Appalachia]

She's 19?  Part of it is the age (the other part is her personality) She is in the process of transitioning to adulthood and is experiencing insecurity.  She does need to learn to stop having to hear constant validation, but it can be hard.

I'm sure that even if you stop giving it, she will seek it out, but yes, stop giving it as much as you are able.  When she asks, remember to reinforce that she doesn't need your approval.  

Currently, you saying that as well as any differences in opinion may feel like a rejection of sorts.  It's not, but she's just beginning to leave the nest and is scared.  

My oldest (who is 24) will still do that.  She wants me to tell her that it's the right decision. It can drive me nuts. But be patient and keep gently reminding her to stand on her own.

[goldberry]

4 minutes ago, Kim in Appalachia said:

She's 19?  Part of it is the age (the other part is her personality) She is in the process of transitioning to adulthood and is experiencing insecurity.  She does need to learn to stop having to hear constant validation, but it can be hard.

I'm sure that even if you stop giving it, she will seek it out, but yes, stop giving it as much as you are able.  When she asks, remember to reinforce that she doesn't need your approval.  

Currently, you saying that as well as any differences in opinion may feel like a rejection of sorts.  It's not, but she's just beginning to leave the nest and is scared.  

My oldest (who is 24) will still do that.  She wants me to tell her that it's the right decision. It can drive me nuts. But be patient and keep gently reminding her to stand on her own.

 

You're exactly right here.

[goldberry]

I am trying really hard to bite back.  But as was mentioned, she still seeks it out even when I'm biting my tongue.  Then it's REALLY hard not to engage, or argue my point.  

Gah... where is the running in circles emoji??

[Farrar]

We're not there yet, but I think that in between stage when they're adults but in college and not fully independent/launched is probably hardest, especially if you're financially supporting her with college or some other way. I am the same as you and I know that's where I'm going to struggle the most. 

[8circles]

49 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Okay, so I've never been a "my kid is nothing but wonderful" sort of mom.  I am honest in my criticism and also generous with praise. 

 

Why are you offering criticism to your adult DD? Why are you biting your tongue? She can sense your disapproval. If it isn't such a big deal, you shouldn't be so judgmental about it. If you stop being judgmental, you won't have any need to bite your tongue.  

In other words, don't pick anything up and there will be nothing to drop.

[goldberry]

I'm trying but she's instigating it often because she wants the approval.  I am less successful and keeping my mouth closed AFTER she instigates it.

[8circles]

I think, though, that you're focus is in the wrong place. This is not something that can be "fixed" quickly. Not that that's what you're asking - I'm working this clumsy so forgive me.

You are framing this problem as your DD who needs approval. Which might be a problem, might not. I think it's very natural for children to need that approval/validation from their parents and it doesn't stop just because of their age. She will continue needing your approval until she feels secure. 

I think it would be more productive for you to focus on why you are judging your DD's choices (since I don't know the specifics I can only assume they aren't super important choices). And then stop doing that.

[8circles]

Just now, 8circles said:

I think, though, that you're focus is in the wrong place. This is not something that can be "fixed" quickly. Not that that's what you're asking - I'm working this clumsy so forgive me.

You are framing this problem as your DD who needs approval. Which might be a problem, might not. I think it's very natural for children to need that approval/validation from their parents and it doesn't stop just because of their age. She will continue needing your approval until she feels secure. 

I think it would be more productive for you to focus on why you are judging your DD's choices (since I don't know the specifics I can only assume they aren't super important choices). And then stop doing that.

Until then, "Sweetheart, I know you want me to approve of this choice but you don't really need my approval. You are 19 and some of your choices might be the wrong ones. That's OK. You'll be OK. I love you. I support you & I will continue to do so unless I see you making a choice that really frightens me. Then I'll let you know."

"Oh, and I'm sorry that you can sense my disapproval sometimes. I'm working on that."

[Slache]

"I love you. I think you're amazing, but these conversations don't always go well so can we just agree to disagree?"

[Bluegoat]

I think with people who are this way, two things cause change.  One is more comfort with their own choices.  But the other can be seeing that the arguing really is unpleasant for others.  

I don't know about stopping judging.  Disagreeing is not judging choices, and framing it that way seems kind of paternalistic to me.  Moms should be free to think they'd do things differently.  Kids that are nearly grown up need to realize their parents are their own people, separate from themselves, with their own ideas, and that is ok.

 

[8circles]

2 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

I think with people who are this way, two things cause change.  One is more comfort with their own choices.  But the other can be seeing that the arguing really is unpleasant for others.  

I don't know about stopping judging.  Disagreeing is not judging choices, and framing it that way seems kind of paternalistic to me.  Moms should be free to think they'd do things differently.  Kids that are nearly grown up need to realize their parents are their own people, separate from themselves, with their own ideas, and that is ok.

 

 

Yeah, as long as you can do so without people feeling your disapproval. Biting your tongue in such a way that your newly-adult-child can tell you disapprove is not healthy or appropriate.

[Garga]

I was raised by a woman who goes out of her way to support people.  (My dad was there but honestly didn’t do anything directly to raise me.  Some sort of undiagnosed Autism-y issue with him.  First one-on-one conversation I had with him was when I was 42.)

My mother constantly validates people.  She supports them.  She listens.  She tells people what a great job they’re doing at whatever they’re doing.  She looks for the ways to connect and approve, instead of looking for the ways to differ.

I married into a family that is the opposite.  Very much the opposite.  They will criticize every little thing.  I can’t stand them.  I just can’t stand them.  They’re not “mean” but they always disagree.  Politely and quietly.  But they just never can support. 

I have chosen with my children, to be as much like my own mother as possible.  I don’t get fake about it, but I look for the ways we can connect.  I will not criticize something if it’s not very important to. Unfortuately, as their teacher, I do have to critique their work.  When I do so, I am careful with my word choice and tone to keep it light and upbeat.  

So, without knowing exactly how your interactions are with your daughter, it’s hard to tell if she’s being super sensitive to wanting everyone to see things her way and she’s not allowing people to have their own thoughts.  Or...are you actually being more critical than you think you are?  My in-laws would be floored to discover that I find them constantly critical.  They think they’re just “sharing their opinion” or “having a conversation.”  They’re not.  I’ve had other people approach me (without me poisoning the well) and tell me how critical they are.  It’s subtle, but pervasive.

So...can you choose to find ways to support with your words and facial expressions?  More than you do now? Would it make you feel fake?  Can you be a cheerleader to her whenever it’s at all possible?  Can you hold back from giving an opinion on things if the opinion differs?

TL;DR:  check yourself first.  *Are* you overcritical?

 

[8circles]

4 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

I think with people who are this way, two things cause change.  One is more comfort with their own choices.  But the other can be seeing that the arguing really is unpleasant for others.  

I don't know about stopping judging.  Disagreeing is not judging choices, and framing it that way seems kind of paternalistic to me.  Moms should be free to think they'd do things differently.  Kids that are nearly grown up need to realize their parents are their own people, separate from themselves, with their own ideas, and that is ok.

 

What do you mean? I'm being paternalistic to goldberry? 

I don't know that there's really a meaningful difference between disagreement and judgment in this situation. If my parent were to disagree with my choice, they would be judging my choice as wrong.  I guess one could argue the semantics of it but I'd be willing to bet that the OP's DD feels judged. That's why she needs approval. If it were truly a disagreement or a choice between 2 equally valid options, I doubt she would care if her mother picked the other one.

[8circles]

2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I think there’s a difference between “disapproval” and “disagreement.”  Disapproval, to me, implies that there is a right or wrong choice.  Disagreement means that I might make a different choice but that doesn’t make either of us right or wrong.  

 

Since the OP has used both terms, I don't know which one applies.

[goldberry]

Example:

She's very nervous about a final coming up this week at college.  "I'm worried about the final". 

"I'm sure you'll do okay."

"I've worked so hard, I've done everything I could."

"yes, you have been working hard."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"You think I didn't study enough?"

"No sweetie I never said that".

"But you don't think I should have had X come visit last weekend.  I could tell you sounded surprised he was coming the weekend before finals."

"Well, that's not a choice I would have made, when you were worried about having time to study.  But it's over now anyway, so no point in dragging it out."

"I needed to see him! I've been working so hard and I needed a break!"

"And that was your choice.  So just move on, it'll be fine."

Followed by long conversation of her saying why it was right for her to have him visit, how she really needs me to know that she has been working hard, etc, which I say yes she has, let's talk about something else.

You can see that it's mostly she is insecure in her own decisions and doesn't want me to think badly of her.  I disagree with the decision, but I don't think badly of her.  What else am I supposed to say, besides that and trying to exit? 

This is not isolated, there are lots of convos like this.

[8circles]

2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

My interpretation of the OP is that this is actually exactly the problem.  That the DD needs her mother to tell her the choice is right, even if the OP sees the options as equally valid.  

 

Why would someone need to bite their tongue if someone made a different, equally valid choice than mine?

[goldberry]

11 minutes ago, 8circles said:

 

Yeah, as long as you can do so without people feeling your disapproval. Biting your tongue in such a way that your newly-adult-child can tell you disapprove is not healthy or appropriate.

 

Well, I agree that purposely doing the "i'm not saying anything but I'm definitely disapproving" is wrong.  But sometimes when two people know each other well, it doesn't take much for the other person to know.  That's normal.  I can reassure her it doesn't change my love or respect for her, and she can work on growing her self-confidence to not need my approval on her every action.  That's life, not unhealthy.

[Joker]

OP, in your example, I would have never offered up that her decision was a choice you wouldn't have made because there is zero reason for doing so. I would have just restated that I thought she had done what she could and moved on. 

I don't get involved with ds in this stuff, and he can be like your dd if I do, because most of it isn't really that important. I often even agree when I don't because, again, what we will be discussing isn't really that important and he is likely to have a different opinion when he's older. I will be honest with the big stuff but I have learned to let the little stuff go. 

[goldberry]

Adding for perspective, this is an extrovert girl that I have a very close relationship with.  Meaning she tells me every detail of everything she does.  I don't ask, she tells.  I am working on just listening and not commenting as much.  But she is also very socially aware and because we are so close, she knows how I think and will try to drag it out of me like the above example.

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Example:

She's very nervous about a final coming up this week at college.  "I'm worried about the final". 

"I'm sure you'll do okay."

"I've worked so hard, I've done everything I could."

"yes, you have been working hard."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"You think I didn't study enough?"

"No sweetie I never said that".

"But you don't think I should have had X come visit last weekend.  I could tell you sounded surprised he was coming the weekend before finals."

"Well, that's not a choice I would have made, when you were worried about having time to study.  But it's over now anyway, so no point in dragging it out."

"I needed to see him! I've been working so hard and I needed a break!"

"And that was your choice.  So just move on, it'll be fine."

Followed by long conversation of her saying why it was right for her to have him visit, how she really needs me to know that she has been working hard, etc, which I say yes she has, let's talk about something else.

You can see that it's mostly she is insecure in her own decisions and doesn't want me to think badly of her.  I disagree with the decision, but I don't think badly of her.  What else am I supposed to say, besides that and trying to exit? 

This is not isolated, there are lots of convos like this.

Stop saying as much. 

"I'm worried about the final". 

"I'm sure you'll do okay."

"I've worked so hard, I've done everything I could."

"Yes".  Full stop.  You are agreeing with her own assessment.  You don't have to say any more specifics because you can see that she is hyperanalyzing your words.  So limit your words to the bare minimum.  It doesn't matter whether you would have had a break or a visitor if you were in the same situtation.  You think that she'll do ok, right?  So stop right there. 

[8circles]

3 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Example:

She's very nervous about a final coming up this week at college.  "I'm worried about the final". 

"I'm sure you'll do okay."

"I've worked so hard, I've done everything I could."

"yes, you have been working hard."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"You think I didn't study enough?"

"No sweetie I never said that".

"But you don't think I should have had X come visit last weekend.  I could tell you sounded surprised he was coming the weekend before finals."

"Well, that's not a choice I would have made, when you were worried about having time to study.  But it's over now anyway, so no point in dragging it out."

"I needed to see him! I've been working so hard and I needed a break!"

"And that was your choice.  So just move on, it'll be fine."

Followed by long conversation of her saying why it was right for her to have him visit, how she really needs me to know that she has been working hard, etc, which I say yes she has, let's talk about something else.

You can see that it's mostly she is insecure in her own decisions and doesn't want me to think badly of her.  I disagree with the decision, but I don't think badly of her.  What else am I supposed to say, besides that and trying to exit? 

This is not isolated, there are lots of convos like this.

Woah, woah, woah. This is not what I was picturing. 

The bolded is where you went wrong lol.

"No, I think you've been working really hard."

I think the only thing you can do here is keep telling her that she is an adult who is capable of making her own choices. Some of them might be wrong. It's up to her to determine that.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

Well, I agree that purposely doing the "i'm not saying anything but I'm definitely disapproving" is wrong.  But sometimes when two people know each other well, it doesn't take much for the other person to know.  That's normal.  I can reassure her it doesn't change my love or respect for her, and she can work on growing her self-confidence to not need my approval on her every action.  That's life, not unhealthy.

Oh yes.  No matter how neutral I try to be...and honestly I may even FEEL neutral....ds will say, 'what is that face? I can tell there is something you are not saying.'

[goldberry]

2 minutes ago, Joker said:

OP, in your example, I would have never offered up that her decision was a choice you wouldn't have made because there is zero reason for doing so. I would have just restated that I thought she had done what she could and moved on. 

 

But I didn't think that.  I think she should have not had the visitor and spent more time studying.  But I wouldn't just announce that out of the blue, because it's her business.  But if she's going to ask me, I'm going to be truthful.

[goldberry]

4 minutes ago, 8circles said:

Woah, woah, woah. This is not what I was picturing. 

The bolded is where you went wrong lol.

"No, I think you've been working really hard."

I think the only thing you can do here is keep telling her that she is an adult who is capable of making her own choices. Some of them might be wrong. It's up to her to determine that.

 

I'm mulling this over, but I'm not sure why what I said was wrong.

[goldberry]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Oh yes.  No matter how neutral I try to be...and honestly I may even FEEL neutral....ds will say, 'what is that face? I can tell there is something you are not saying.'

 

Yeah, sometimes I think that's the fruit of being constantly together for YEARS homeschooling!

[Garga]

Just now, Joker said:

OP, in your example, I would have never offered up that her decision was a choice you wouldn't have made because there is zero reason for doing so. I would have just restated that I thought she had done what she could and moved on. 

 

 

Yeah, I agree with Joker, but I also know that one can accidentally get into conversations like that.

I did wonder what made her say “What?” after you said, “Yes, you have been working hard.”  Was there a note of sarcasm in your “Yes, you’ve been working hard....(at hanging out with your boyfriend!)”?  What was she picking up on that she said, “What?”  

She was picking up on your disagreement/disapproval and you confirmed it when you said, “That’s not a choice I would have made...”.

So, it’s complex.  It would be hard to catch yourself before offering the words, “that’s now a choice I would have made...”. But maybe for a bit of time, you could try to catch yourself before you say things like that and see what happens.

Maybe rather than saying, “it’s not a choice I would have made,” ask questions.  “Yeah, I did wonder about that.  Why did you have him visit when you had all that work to do.”  But then you have to really listen.  When she explains, you can just say, “Oh ok.  I see.”  And leave it at that.  If she pushes for you to agree with her about it or not, you could say, “I didn’t really understand why you invited him, but now I see what you were thinking.”  You don’t have to agree or disagree.  Just acknowledge her words. 

[8circles]

Just now, goldberry said:

 

I'm mulling this over, but I'm not sure why what I said was wrong.

 

Because this is when parents and newly-adult kids need to change their relationship dynamic, so that she can become a confident, independent adult. She needs to stop relying on your validation/approval/agreement and you need to stop judging her choices. Judging sounds like a harsh word - I don't think you're judgmental in that horrible way that people hate. But you are judging that her choice to have a visitor when she was supposed to be studying was not the right one.

[goldberry]

Just now, Garga said:

 

Yeah, I agree with Joker, but I also know that one can accidentally get into conversations like that.

I did wonder what made her say “What?” after you said, “Yes, you have been working hard.”  Was there a note of sarcasm in your “Yes, you’ve been working hard....(at hanging out with your boyfriend!)”?  What was she picking up on that she said, “What?”  

She was picking up on your disagreement/disapproval and you confirmed it when you said, “That’s not a choice I would have made...”.

So, it’s complex.  It would be hard to catch yourself before offering the words, “that’s now a choice I would have made...”. But maybe for a bit of time, you could try to catch yourself before you say things like that and see what happens.

Maybe rather than saying, “it’s not a choice I would have made,” ask questions.  “Yeah, I did wonder about that.  Why did you have him visit when you had all that work to do.”  But then you have to really listen.  When she explains, you can just say, “Oh ok.  I see.”  And leave it at that.  If she pushes for you to agree with her about it or not, you could say, “I didn’t really understand why you invited him, but now I see what you were thinking.”  You don’t have to agree or disagree.  Just acknowledge her words. 

 

We were texting, so no sarcasm.

I like your other sentence choices!

[Bluegoat]

22 minutes ago, 8circles said:

What do you mean? I'm being paternalistic to goldberry? 

I don't know that there's really a meaningful difference between disagreement and judgment in this situation. If my parent were to disagree with my choice, they would be judging my choice as wrong.  I guess one could argue the semantics of it but I'd be willing to bet that the OP's DD feels judged. That's why she needs approval. If it were truly a disagreement or a choice between 2 equally valid options, I doubt she would care if her mother picked the other one.

 

No, I think it's paternalistic of parents to hide their differing opinions from adult kids.  Just like part of being an adult is realizing that your kids will make different choices than you, sometimes even disapprove, part of it is realizing your parents make different choices, and sometimes disapprove.

If people disagreeing, even disapproving, makes people feel judged to the point that they are desperate for approval, that's the problem.  Not the fact that adults disagree with each other over substantial things.

[8circles]

3 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 

No, I think it's paternalistic of parents to hide their differing opinions from adult kids.  Just like part of being an adult is realizing that your kids will make different choices than you, sometimes even disapprove, part of it is realizing your parents make different choices, and sometimes disapprove.

If people disagreeing, even disapproving, makes people feel judged to the point that they are desperate for approval, that's the problem.  Not the fact that adults disagree with each other over substantial things.

 

If your child is having a hard time not being OK with dispproval, it would be good to help them out by not expressing your disapproval until they feel more secure.

This adult kid is only 19, not 29. It isn't as if on their 18th birthday they are all of a sudden secure in their adult choices and no longer care what their parents think.

Is the issue in the OP a substantial thing? Not to me. It's having a friend over during finals.

[vonfirmath]

5 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

We were texting, so no sarcasm.

I like your other sentence choices!

 

I thought that What? sounded like your daughter was feeling guilty about her own choice, but not wanting to acknowledge it was the wrong choice. She may be trying to get you to outside validate her choices so her conscience will shut up and stop bugging her.

[Carol in Cal.]

"Sounds like you're really beating yourself up.  How bout you be nice to yourself?  I wouldn't want anyone else to treat you this way."

Or something.

What I mean is, try to divert the convo into another path, maybe humorously.

[Kim in Appalachia]

21 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Example:

She's very nervous about a final coming up this week at college.  "I'm worried about the final". 

"I'm sure you'll do okay."

"I've worked so hard, I've done everything I could."

"yes, you have been working hard."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"You think I didn't study enough?"

"No sweetie I never said that".

"But you don't think I should have had X come visit last weekend.  I could tell you sounded surprised he was coming the weekend before finals."

"Well, that's not a choice I would have made, when you were worried about having time to study.  But it's over now anyway, so no point in dragging it out."

"I needed to see him! I've been working so hard and I needed a break!"

"And that was your choice.  So just move on, it'll be fine."

Followed by long conversation of her saying why it was right for her to have him visit, how she really needs me to know that she has been working hard, etc, which I say yes she has, let's talk about something else.

You can see that it's mostly she is insecure in her own decisions and doesn't want me to think badly of her.  I disagree with the decision, but I don't think badly of her.  What else am I supposed to say, besides that and trying to exit? 

This is not isolated, there are lots of convos like this.

 

I know it's not funny, but this made me want to laugh.  I also have a dd20.  I can not say boo to that child. If I even question something she takes it the wrong way.  

As a sort of example (I'm not going to put all the details, hence the sort of), She recently told me about a problem she was having and ASKED me if her solution was a workable one (Her exact wording was, "That should be fine, right mom?") When I said that I did not think so, she got very upset.  She told me I was wrong and that I didn't understand.  I'm sure she went on to tell her friends that I don't have faith in her (That's her normal response). Normally I keep my mouth shut, no matter what she asks, but this time it was a little important so I thought I would chime in.  But she takes everything I say and assumes I am being critical or judging or thinking she's not capable.  In reality my dd impresses me a huge amount (which I do tell her). I think she is smart, beautiful, hard working, and dedicated.  But she is still quite insecure.  She needs my affirmation.  I try to give it as much as I can.  

I will also say that she has improved, a lot, in regards to this, in the past year.  I can see her maturing (which is awesome).  It will happen.  

It's a stage of life.  It will get better.  

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

Yeah, sometimes I think that's the fruit of being constantly together for YEARS homeschooling!

 

And she pressed it because she KNOWS YOU WERE RIGHT.  She should have studied more, hung out with him less.  The end.  She wants it to not be so, but it is.  So what do you do.  

[goldberry]

1 minute ago, Kim in Appalachia said:

 

I know it's not funny, but this made me want to laugh.  I also have a dd20.  I can not say boo to that child. If I even question something she takes it the wrong way.  

As a sort of example (I'm not going to put all the details, hence the sort of), She recently told me about a problem she was having and ASKED me if her solution was a workable one (Her exact wording was, "That should be fine, right mom?") When I said that I did not think so, she got very upset.  She told me I was wrong and that I didn't understand.  I'm sure she went on to tell her friends that I don't have faith in her (That's her normal response). Normally I keep my mouth shut, no matter what she asks, but this time it was a little important so I thought I would chime in.  But she takes everything I say and assumes I am being critical or judging or thinking she's not capable.  In reality my dd impresses me a huge amount (which I do tell her). I think she is smart, beautiful, hard working, and dedicated.  But she is still quite insecure.  She needs my affirmation.  I try to give it as much as I can.  

I will also say that she has improved, a lot, in regards to this, in the past year.  I can see her maturing (which is awesome).  It will happen.  

It's a stage of life.  It will get better.  

 

omg yes

[Jean in Newcastle]

17 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

I'm mulling this over, but I'm not sure why what I said was wrong.

You're letting her switch the conversation from her own anxiety and nervousness to her past decisions.  It really is ok for a student to take a break by having a friend come over. Do you really think that she will fail the final because she did that?  Or get a lower grade because of it?  She's anxious about the final.  Be supportive (as you were).  But then when she tries to change the subject to analyzing her weekend choices, don't go there.  That isn't the issue.  Analyzing those choices won't fix her anxiety.  And they won't make her do better on the final. 

[Mimm]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I think one of the most important skills parents of adult children have is biting their tongue. I have a mother who took a long time to develop this skill and a MIL who mastered it early in my husband's adulthood and guess who had an easier time getting along with their adult children? I have a 17 year old and I keep my opinions to myself the vast majority of the time.

[goldberry]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

 

And she pressed it because she KNOWS YOU WERE RIGHT.  She should have studied more, hung out with him less.  The end.  She wants it to not be so, but it is.  So what do you do.  

 

And the thing is, I've told her before, we've all made those choices.  When I should work out but don't.  When I need to clean the house but stay on the internet too long instead.  It is what it is, none of us make ideal choices all the time.  That's life. It doesn't make us bad people and isn't the end of the world.  So I'm not sure why she is so insecure, like I'm going to consider her a failure or something.

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, goldberry said:

 

And the thing is, I've told her before, we've all made those choices.  When I should work out but don't.  When I need to clean the house but stay on the internet too long instead.  It is what it is, none of us make ideal choices all the time.  That's life. It doesn't make us bad people and isn't the end of the world.  So I'm not sure why she is so insecure, like I'm going to consider her a failure or something.

Preaching to the choir sister.....LOL.  I say all the same things to ds18.  

[Mimm]

Read the text conversation. Goodness, that's some mild disapproval. She certain is very sensitive. I don't really have suggestions there. You should be allowed to have your own opinions after all. Other than keeping them to yourself, what is she expecting? That you agree with absolutely everything she does?

Parenting teens has not be easy for me, but I'm not at all convinced parenting children in their early 20s is any easier. ?

[8circles]

I am not saying that your DD suffers from anxiety, but she is showing that she feels anxious about this topic. And honestly, as someone who suffers from anxiety, the way her decision to have a friend over during finals has been described as "not ideal' and "She knows you are right" makes me really twitchy. 

 

[Katy]

Wow.  I started this thread picturing a different love languages thing.  But the conversation you quoted makes me think something else is going on.

Does she show other signs of depression?  Other signs of poor emotional boundaries?  Have you always felt the need to walk on eggshells around her?  Does she have any signs of a personality disorder?

How would she react if when she accused you of disagreeing with her work ethic you blinked three times slowly and said, "What?  How did you get that? Of course you've been working hard, why would you assume I didn't think so?"

 

I don't think I have any advice without the answer.  How to deal with a kiddult not having well formed emotional boundaries yet is different than a kiddult with depression, and different than a probable personality disorder.

[8circles]

It is extremely depressing knowing that there are people out there who would look at the million choices I make every day and critique every single one that was "less than ideal". 

[gardenmom5]

makes me think of a developmental stage -but only because I had one who as a child, if you didn't agree, you must not have understood what was said and would repeat it ad infinitum. (enough already!)  doesn't do that anymore.

adults need to be confident in their own decisions.  and parents of adults need to allow their children autonomy.  I'd go after her lack of confidence in herself.  I'd want to know why she is demanding your approbation.  that it is common for people to have different opinions - and that's fine. people can have different opinions.  the world doesn't give approbation (it often is quite the opposite) - so she'd better learn to have confidence in her own choices.   she's the one who has to live with them - not you.

but I do have strong opinions on the subject as my grandmother loved to tell us what to think and feel and got angry if we dared have another opinion. when I was a teenager  I realized she never gave approbation, (for anything) - and stopped caring what she thought.

1dd was over last night and we were talking about the fact they have very strong wills - because I never told them what to think.  I taught them standards and principles - and let them have at.

and yesterday - coincidentally - dsil called me because he doens't want to offend another family member who is telling them what merchandise they must have to prepare for baby and he wanted my advice.  and reassurance.  to which I basically said - this is your baby, your responsibility, and you have to live with these products - not the people telling them what to buy.  (who cares what they think.  i was proud of him telling them if it was so important to them - they were free to buy it for them.)   - I also pointed out I am trusting them with my first grandchild and I am not telling them what to do.  ?  he promptly went and bought what it was they actually wanted (despite the other marked purchased from their registry.)

[Scarlett]

I think she obviously regrets her decision to have a friend visit rather than study for an upcoming exam. So maybe I shouldn't have said 'she knows you were right', but rather she is now FEARING you were right as in 'oh no, I should have studied instead of playing!'  It isn't mom's fault that the young adult has come to this conclusion.

My son does this stuff and honestly if I try to reassure him it will all be fine he just says something like 'you don't really believe that.'  Or my favorite, 'you have to say that, you are my mother.'

 

[8circles]

10 minutes ago, Katy said:

How would she react if when she accused you of disagreeing with her work ethic you blinked three times slowly and said, "What?  How did you get that? Of course you've been working hard, why would you assume I didn't think so?"

 

 

But she wasn't wrong - her mother thought her work ethic was lacking.