Dss16

[Mama Geek]

I think it is all very confusing.  Servings of vegetables seem so small to me.  

Vegetable serving sizes are small, it is good to take a multi vitamin with it.

[Scarlett]

Inbox is full. PM your email address and I'll get you what I have. 

 

 

I cleaned out my PMs.  Thank you.

[Laura Corin]

And before anyone says I'm insensitive... I've had my share of shitty upbringing, but I have chosen to deal with it...even at the age of her stepson. I don't require everyone around me to totally change in order to accommodate me and my feelings.

 

People are different and cope or don't in different ways.  As I mentioned upthread, my parents' divorce affected me and my two siblings very differently: we have had different levels of fallout from it and have needed different levels of help.  FWIW, I am the one of the three who has needed least help, so I'm not approaching this from a position of self pity.

I think it's probably terribly hard for both of Scarlett's sons to adapt to family circumstances, but the fact that one of them seems to be coping more easily doesn't necessarily mean that the other one should (or can) just slap a stiff upper lip on and cope. 

[Scarlett]

I know it's not low carb - and he's tried it with success but the new WW program is awesome. Check out the WhysAdvice podcast by FatDag. I'd recommend you listen to the episode with his story first (he's an air force guy so as a man he might resonate with your son). I think its in the 50s. If you do join ww - check out hashtags for men on Connect. There are some great ones with men encouraging other men. It's great. I think he might be able to connect emotionally with men losing weight - and WW really is a livable program.

 

 

He was on WW for about 3 months but doesn't want to do it anymore.

[plansrme]

Please don't quote (not that any of this is quote-worthy, but I will delete later):

[deleted]

 

Best of luck as you navigate this.  

 

P.S.  My 14 yo son forgets to eat.  So, yeah, I believe you there.

Edited December 19, 2017 by plansrme

[Scarlett]

 

 

Best of luck as you navigate this.  

 

 

 

Thank you.  That pretty much sums it up.  We are working on getting him a car....and then he can drive himself to the gym.  I haven't ask him lately about that.....I can't remember if he said he would want to go to the gym or not.  

[Zinnia]

You'd rather that your father DIED than have had your parents divorce?

 

Am In reading this correctly?

I don't feel like this exactly, but it would have been a lot easier for me, too. The divorce was 20+ years ago, and I still feel the effects now.

[ktgrok]

Slow metabolism?

 

I see the difference between him and ds17. Ds works and moves quickly and dss sits and watches netflix and moves like a sloth.

That's part of the biology of obesity. His body shunts the calories from the foods he eats into fat storage instead of using it for energy. That leaves you feeling tired and lazy and hungry.

 

What is his BMI? Any snoring or sleep apnea?

Edited December 19, 2017 by ktgrok

[Scarlett]

I don't feel like this exactly, but it would have been a lot easier for me, too. The divorce was 20+ years ago, and I still feel the effects now.

 

 

Divorce is hard on kids. It was hard on me as a kid, harder on my brother.  Eventually we all grow up and have to make our way and be responsible for our own choices.

[Zinnia]

Divorce is hard on kids. It was hard on me as a kid, harder on my brother. Eventually we all grow up and have to make our way and be responsible for our own choices.

No doubt. It just clouds the interactions I have now, and I hate that it translates on to my own kids. I don't have any emotional stuff I haven't dealt with (or not that much), it's just that my mom get so angry if my children mention their grandfather. Or if we go to celebrate my in laws 60th anniversary. She is so angry and hurt, and I have to deal with that. Then I am upset because I don't know the perfect way to deal with that. And round and round we go. It never really ends

[ktgrok]

Divorce is hard on kids. It was hard on me as a kid, harder on my brother. Eventually we all grow up and have to make our way and be responsible for our own choices.

Yes, but outside of the realm of willpower and choices is biology. And for some people high cortisol levels can drive fat storage. As in, the same amount of calories eaten under stress will promote fat versus those same calories eaten without that Stress.

[Scarlett]

No doubt. It just clouds the interactions I have now, and I hate that it translates on to my own kids. I don't have any emotional stuff I haven't dealt with (or not that much), it's just that my mom get so angry if my children mention their grandfather. Or if we go to celebrate my in laws 60th anniversary. She is so angry and hurt, and I have to deal with that. Then I am upset because I don't know the perfect way to deal with that. And round and round we go. It never really ends

 

 

Ugh.  After 20 years?  I was like an insane person parts of the first year post divorce....but eventually I got it together so I could be a decent mother to my son.  It is so important for kids to feel like they can love both parents.  Even the one that drove the marriage off into the ditch.  I work very hard to say nice things to my boys about their other parent.

[OneStepAtATime]

You'd rather that your father DIED than have had your parents divorce?

 

Am In reading this correctly?

I think there is more nuance to her post.  It isn't just divorce vs. death I don't think.  FWIW, one of my nephews sometimes wishes his mother had died instead of his parents going through a lengthy horrific divorce with tons of collateral damage that lasted years.  The whole family got dragged through so many horrors.  He loves her but she was genuinely awful to her kids and so was her new husband, even though she had been a very loving mother before the divorce.  Emotionally abusive to the max to all the kids.  CPS even got involved.  This son in particular was not able to cope well.  It severely damaged their relationship and he ended up with tremendous emotional damage himself which has never really improved.  While he doesn't really want her dead as in he wishes she would die, he sometimes wishes that instead of all of those years of horror that if his parents had to be separated that it could have been through some sort of accident so he could have mourned the loss of those future years yet still remember the good years and still love her and tell his future kids about their awesome grandmother and use those good years as an example of how to parent his own future children instead of what he has to cope with now (PTSD, extreme insecurities, feelings of hate mixed up with feelings of love, etc.) and watching his family get torn apart all over again on a regular basis and wishing to never ever be in the same room with her or her current husband ever again and feeling like he would be better off never getting married and possibly putting his own kids through what he went through.  It may sound horrible to sort of wish a parent had died instead of divorcing but having seen what happened to my BIL/SIL/Nephews I do understand better now why nephew might periodically fantasize about that alternate history of his life.

 

 

Best wishes.

[OneStepAtATime]

Ugh.  After 20 years?  I was like an insane person parts of the first year post divorce....but eventually I got it together so I could be a decent mother to my son.  It is so important for kids to feel like they can love both parents.  Even the one that drove the marriage off into the ditch.  I work very hard to say nice things to my boys about their other parent.

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

That's part of the biology of obesity. His body shunts the calories from the foods he eats into fat storage instead of using it for energy. That leaves you feeling tired and lazy and hungry.

 

What is his BMI? Any snoring or sleep apnea?

 

His BMI is 39.5.  

 

Not sure about snoring......but he isn't sleeping well.  I think a sleep study might be next on the list.

[Selkie]

You'd rather that your father DIED than have had your parents divorce?

 

Am In reading this correctly?

My parents didn't divorce so I have no personal experience, but I remember reading about a study concerning this. The conclusion of the study was that kids who had one parent die and the other parent did not remarry had significantly better outcomes/fewer problems/less stress than kids whose parents divorced and remarried. 

 

Sorry, it's been several years and I don't remember where I read about it, so no link.

[Laura Corin]

Ugh.  After 20 years?  I was like an insane person parts of the first year post divorce....but eventually I got it together so I could be a decent mother to my son.  It is so important for kids to feel like they can love both parents.  Even the one that drove the marriage off into the ditch.  I work very hard to say nice things to my boys about their other parent.

 

Oh yes.  My mother told me stuff (the same stuff) at least monthly about her divorce from when I left home at eighteen until two years ago when she moved in with me.  I was 52 at that point.

 

[Scarlett]

I think there is more nuance to her post.  It isn't just divorce vs. death I don't think.  FWIW, one of my nephews sometimes wishes his mother had died instead of his parents going through a lengthy horrific divorce with tons of collateral damage that lasted years.  The whole family got dragged through so many horrors.  He loves her but she was genuinely awful to her kids and so was her new husband, even though she had been a very loving mother before the divorce.  Emotionally abusive to the max to all the kids.  CPS even got involved.  This son in particular was not able to cope well.  It severely damaged their relationship and he ended up with tremendous emotional damage himself which has never really improved.  While he doesn't really want her dead as in he wishes she would die, he sometimes wishes that instead of all of those years of horror that if his parents had to be separated that it could have been through some sort of accident so he could have mourned the loss of those future years yet still remember the good years and still love her and tell his future kids about their awesome grandmother and use those good years as an example of how to parent his own future children instead of what he has to cope with now (PTSD, extreme insecurities, feelings of hate mixed up with feelings of love, etc.) and watching his family get torn apart all over again on a regular basis and wishing to never ever be in the same room with her or her current husband ever again and feeling like he would be better off never getting married and possibly putting his own kids through what he went through.  It may sound horrible to sort of wish a parent had died instead of divorcing but having seen what happened to my BIL/SIL/Nephews I do understand better now why nephew might periodically fantasize about that alternate history of his life.

 

 

Best wishes.

 

 

Yes I get it too.  There was definitely a time I wished xh had died instead of forcing me to divorce him.  I don't now.  I think ds17 values him now and xh does try to be a good dad.  He couldn't do that dead.  

[Scarlett]

My parents didn't divorce so I have no personal experience, but I remember reading about a study concerning this. The conclusion of the study was that kids who had one parent die and the other parent did not remarry had significantly better outcomes/fewer problems/less stress than kids whose parents divorced and remarried. 

 

Sorry, it's been several years and I don't remember where I read about it, so no link.

 

 

I believe it.

[ktgrok]

His BMI is 39.5.  

 

Not sure about snoring......but he isn't sleeping well.  I think a sleep study might be next on the list.

 

Ok, with that BMI and his high blood pressure he sounds like he would qualify as morbidly obese. That is a WHOLE other thing than needing to lose a few pounds. It is a disease. They call it the disease of obesity, and it is progressive. Definitely get the sleep study, for two reasons. 1 - if he isn't sleeping well that raises certain hormones and leads to further weight gain, in and on it's own. 2 - For insurance purposes sometimes, if BMI is under 40, you need two comorbidities to get treatments covered and be considered morbidly obese. Blood pressure is one of them, sleep apnea is another. Or he may already have a second, like high cholesterol? 

 

He really and truly needs to be seen at a bariatric center for adolescents. Truly. This is out of your area of expertise, and out of the area of expertise for most doctors. It is life threatening. It will only get worse. It is not about will power. It is NOT ABOUT WILL POWER. Sorry to shout, but it needs to be REALLY well understood. This is not about will power. It is not about being lazy. 

 

Please, google and find a bariatric center for adolescents in your state or area. I'll do it for you if you would like and let me know your general area. This is an area that hits so close to home for me. He needs a bariatrician. ASAP.

Edited December 19, 2017 by ktgrok

[ktgrok]

Link to more info on bariatricians. http://www.obesityaction.org/educational-resources/resource-articles-2/medically-managed-weight-loss/what-is-a-bariatrician

 

More information on obesity: https://asmbs.org/patients/disease-of-obesity

 

Weight gain causes a number of hormonal, metabolic and molecular changes in the body that increase the risk for even greater fat accumulation. Such obesity-associated biological changes reduce the body’s ability to oxidize (burn) fat for energy, increase the conversion of glucose (carbohydrate) to fat, and increase the body’s capacity to store fat in fat storage depots (adipose tissue). This means that more of the calories consumed will be stored as fat. To make matters worse, obesity affects certain regulators of appetite and hunger in a manner that can lead to an increase in meal size and the frequency of eating. Weight gain, therefore, changes the biology of the body in a manner that favors further weight gain and obesity.

 

[Scarlett]

Ok, with that BMI and his high blood pressure he sounds like he would qualify as morbidly obese. That is a WHOLE other thing than needing to lose a few pounds. It is a disease. They call it the disease of obesity, and it is progressive. Definitely get the sleep study, for two reasons. 1 - if he isn't sleeping well that raises certain hormones and leads to further weight gain, in and on it's own. 2 - For insurance purposes sometimes, if BMI is under 40, you need two comorbidities to get treatments covered and be considered morbidly obese. Blood pressure is one of them, sleep apnea is another. Or he may already have a second, like high cholesterol? 

 

He really and truly needs to be seen at a bariatric center for adolescents. Truly. This is out of your area of expertise, and out of the area of expertise for most doctors. It is life threatening. It will only get worse. It is not about will power. It is NOT ABOUT WILL POWER. Sorry to shout, but it needs to be REALLY well understood. This is not about will power. It is not about being lazy. 

 

Please, google and find a bariatric center for adolescents in your state or area. I'll do it for you if you would like and let me know your general area. This is an area that hits so close to home for me. He needs a bariatrician. ASAP.

 

 

His/our GP lost 100 pounds.  Has kept it off for 7 years. I can tell he is going through steps with dss.  I don't know at what point he will say dss needs more.  Maybe dh will decide he needs more before doctor mentions it.  But I am not able to just make these decisions like 'find dss a bariatrician' ASAP.  

[itsheresomewhere]

His/our GP lost 100 pounds. Has kept it off for 7 years. I can tell he is going through steps with dss. I don't know at what point he will say dss needs more. Maybe dh will decide he needs more before doctor mentions it. But I am not able to just make these decisions like 'find dss a bariatrician' ASAP.

Great for the GP but he is an adult and not a teen. Your DSS really needs to been seen by someone who deals with teens and weight issues. It truly is a night and day thing. Also, the specialist will have better dietary advice, access to special groups for teens with weight issues, and a therapist who deals with teens and weight loss. This would be the best thing for him. Perhaps, it is time to take a stand to your DH and tell him this is what needs to be done to help his DS and it is time to get specialized help.

[ktgrok]

His/our GP lost 100 pounds.  Has kept it off for 7 years. I can tell he is going through steps with dss.  I don't know at what point he will say dss needs more.  Maybe dh will decide he needs more before doctor mentions it.  But I am not able to just make these decisions like 'find dss a bariatrician' ASAP.  

 

Ok...i didn't expect you to do it without discussing it with your DH or DSS. But to just say, "well, dSS has this life threatening disease, but hey, not going to seek out an expert or the best of care. Not my business." seems crazy to me. 

 

He has a disease. period. He is morbidly obese. The experts that treat morbid obesity are bariatricians. If he had renal disease, you'd seek out a kidney specialist, right? Or if he had cancer, you would take him to an oncologist, not just go with the family doctor, even if the family doctor had beaten cancer himself. You'd want a specialist. Same with this. 

[Scarlett]

Great for the GP but he is an adult and not a teen. Your DSS really needs to been seen by someone who deals with teens and weight issues. It truly is a night and day thing. Also, the specialist will have better dietary advice, access to special groups for teens with weight issues, and a therapist who deals with teens and weight loss. This would be the best thing for him. Perhaps, it is time to take a stand to your DH and tell him this is what needs to be done to help his DS and it is time to get specialized help.

 

 

Take a stand with dh?  I gather information.  Dh can make the decision.

[Scarlett]

Ok...i didn't expect you to do it without discussing it with your DH or DSS. But to just say, "well, dSS has this life threatening disease, but hey, not going to seek out an expert or the best of care. Not my business." seems crazy to me. 

 

He has a disease. period. He is morbidly obese. The experts that treat morbid obesity are bariatricians. If he had renal disease, you'd seek out a kidney specialist, right? Or if he had cancer, you would take him to an oncologist, not just go with the family doctor, even if the family doctor had beaten cancer himself. You'd want a specialist. Same with this. 

 

 

I give dh lots and lots of information.  Dss just went to the doctor yesterday....so dh hasn't had time to even decide what dss needs.  

 

I will pass on the information from your posts.  Thank you.

[Scarlett]

Ok, wait.  I think his BMI might be 37.5  I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

[GoVanGogh]

How dare he drip pee on YOUR tile, in YOUR house (not his), and eat YOUR food and YOUR son's food, and take up so much of YOUR time and energy, when he's not even your REAL family.

 

In every post you have made about your stepson, your disdain for this child comes through loud and clear. And when dozens of people repeatedly point this out to you, over and over in multiple threads, you insist that you are an awesome stepmother, you have done every possible thing to "fix" this boy, but <sigh> he's just not fixable. It's like you keep trying to get the Hive to give you permission to give up on him, without guilt, because you've done your duty.

 

You keep saying that you are always nice to him, as if the fact that you've never actually told him to his face that you think he's a weak-willed fat slob means he can't possibly know how much you resent his presence. That is delusional. I have been the unwanted kid caught between a crazy mother I couldn't live with and a stepmother who resented the hell out of my presence in her house, taking resources away from her kids, and taking time away from her husband (who inconveniently happened to be my dad). Believe me, your stepson knows exactly how you feel about him.

 

Please find that poor child a therapist. He deserves to have ONE person in his life that he can honestly open up to without worrying about being judged and resented.

Yes. This.

I was in a similar situation as a teenager.

Trust me, your stepson knows how you feel. He knows it is your tile, your food, your home. Not his tile, his food, his home.

That alone can cause so many emotional issues that, yes, can cause one to seek comfort in food. You don’t have to tell him to his face that you see him as a sloth. He knows it. He feels it.

 

re: cleaning up his mess

At 300 pounds, he may struggle to get down and clean it up.

Does that give him a free pass? No. But he knows you see it as your tile, not his tile. Maybe if he felt it was his to take care of, he would.

 

re: underweight teen

I have an underweight teenager. He has always been underweight. He has been in feeding therapy for years because he has a physical disability that affects how he feels hunger and how he chews/eats. We have tried everything to get weight on him. I had a therapist tell me last year - You know what? This isn’t your battle. He isn’t going to melt away. At 16, he isn’t in danger of dying from lack of food.

I would say the same about your son that is underweight.

Your son that is overweight is the one that needs help and support, not the one that is underweight.

 

re: Taco Bell

I personally hate TB and am repulsed by it, but my DH loves it and craves it. It is his comfort food. He would never turn it down.

Sharing from that perspective:

I struggle with alcohol addiction. I am in therapy alone and my husband and I are in therapy together. (Honestly, we tanked our marriage when our son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.) My husband knows I struggle with alcohol. He knows he needs to support me. Last month, he ordered and drank two drinks in front of me. It sent me in a tailspin for days! He was suppose to be my support. He was suppose to have my back. The next week at therapy, this came up. Our therapist ripped into DH and told him he just can’t do that to me, it is too much of a temptation, the message it sends is so harmful. Yes. It does send the message: I don’t have your back.

That is what Taco Bell did to your son. It said, I say you need to lose weight but I don’t have your back.

[Scarlett]

Yes. This.

I was in a similar situation as a teenager.

Trust me, your stepson knows how you feel. He knows it is your tile, your food, your home. Not his tile, his food, his home.

That alone can cause so many emotional issues that, yes, can cause one to seek comfort in food. You don’t have to tell him to his face that you see him as a sloth. He knows it. He feels it.

 

re: cleaning up his mess

At 300 pounds, he may struggle to get down and clean it up.

Does that give him a free pass? No. But he knows you see it as your tile, not his tile. Maybe if he felt it was his to take care of, he would.

 

re: underweight teen

I have an underweight teenager. He has always been underweight. He has been in feeding therapy for years because he has a physical disability that affects how he feels hunger and how he chews/eats. We have tried everything to get weight on him. I had a therapist tell me last year - You know what? This isn’t your battle. He isn’t going to melt away. At 16, he isn’t in danger of dying from lack of food.

I would say the same about your son that is underweight.

Your son that is overweight is the one that needs help and support, not the one that is underweight.

 

re: Taco Bell

I personally hate TB and am repulsed by it, but my DH loves it and craves it. It is his comfort food. He would never turn it down.

Sharing from that perspective:

I struggle with alcohol addiction. I am in therapy alone and my husband and I are in therapy together. (Honestly, we tanked our marriage when our son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy.) My husband knows I struggle with alcohol. He knows he needs to support me. Last month, he ordered and drank two drinks in front of me. It sent me in a tailspin for days! He was suppose to be my support. He was suppose to have my back. The next week at therapy, this came up. Our therapist ripped into DH and told him he just can’t do that to me, it is too much of a temptation, the message it sends is so harmful. Yes. It does send the message: I don’t have your back.

That is what Taco Bell did to your son. It said, I say you need to lose weight but I don’t have your back.

 

 

I have no knowledge that Taco Bell is any sort of special trigger for dss.  And your husband can live without alcohol...I can't live without food.  

 

My son is not underweight.  He is a good weight.  

[Liz CA]

I don't know.  Most of that list he would have to self report and I am certainly not going to suggest to him he has a food addiction.  

 

We can talk all day long about what different people think is the problem but most of this is out of my control.  All I can do is offer support (buying the food, making appointments, taking him to the doctor, picking up his medications, reminding him to check his BP).....dh and dss will have to be the ones to decide on the root of the problem and on the path toward a solution.  

 

One thing I have learned from venting out about this is to talk to dss less about it.  Not that talking less helps him with the food/weight issue, but maybe I can preserve my relationship with him at least.

 

 

This is a good start. Emphasize relationship. Hug him, laugh with him, encourage him (not just with the food issues but in all areas). I am getting the impression he feels unwanted and unloved and has become a "pleaser." This impression came when I read your post about him justifying to himself and you how doing something he really did not want to do would still be his best choice because it would please others. Maybe I misunderstood this part but it sounds like he is trying to please others to be accepted. This is different than a person who is being cooperative with household rules and just pleasant to be around, who is taking an active part in his own life and is interested in others with healthy boundaries.

 

"Pleasers" often compensate behaviorally because most of them feel nobody is "hearing" or "seeing" them for who they are and food becomes the substitute for feeling accepted and loved.

[GoVanGogh]

I have no knowledge that Taco Bell is any sort of special trigger for dss. And your husband can live without alcohol...I can't live without food.

 

My son is not underweight. He is a good weight.

My husband can live without alcohol.

You can live without Taco Bell.

 

It is widely known that fast foods are comfort foods, that they are addictive and, thus, why they are so popular.

 

If your son isn’t underweight, there is no need for him to be an issue in your other son’s struggle. I apologize. I thought he was an equation in the food issues at home. He certainly doesn’t need to keep food hidden just for himself then.

[Sandwalker]

It was not one appointment. It was many many appointments. I don't know exactly when he went last.....6 months ago? But he has been under the care of a pediatric urologist for about 3 years.

Then I am amazed that you make an issue of his dripping or splattering urine if he has a health issue.

 

Maybe make that bathroom his chore to clean,and you may have to check to male sure he does it right until he learns how to do it properly.

[ktgrok]

Ok, wait. I think his BMI might be 37.5 I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

35 plus a weight related comormidity is morbidly obese. Or 40 with no comorbidities.

[KungFuPanda]

I think you are driving yourself crazy trying to solve a problem that you are not equipped to solve. I think anyone would be beyond frustrated to put so much effort and brain space into something and see zero results. It’s time to bring in the professionals . . . even if your lifestyle takes a hit, vacations dissappear, dh takes an evening job, or you downsize your living situation. Dss’s life is on the line and it looks like you and your dh are the only adults in his life willing to DO anything. Teen boys think they’re invincible. There is no way he really comprehends the risks like adults do. You may need some professional medical advice behind you in order to get his mother to comply with his medical realities. It’s not as simple as wishing he’d just eat less and your lives could be normal. This kid is in crisis and completely oblivious.

[Elizabeth86]

My only suggestion is that he may better helped by a food addiction therapist. This sounds like a food addiction to me. If it is, then he needs a ton of therapeutic support in order to conquer it, eating plans won't do it alone.

I agree. Willpower is a hard thing ya know, but at the age of 16 I just don't think you should have to be watching him this closely. In 2 years he is a adult so he really should be more responsible for himself. You do your part by keeping healthy food and portion control I feel at his age is his job.

[Χά�ων]

We aren't exactly a family. Blended. It really isn't the same.

This, and the posts about this by you bother me. You are a family. Maybe not a tradition family, but a family non the less. I have two adult step children who are absolute disasters. One blames dad for their choices in life (not going to college, not getting a job). I have enabling inlaws who make the problem worse. We are still a family. DH and I may have no clue how the heck to wake the adults up to the reality that they will end up destitute at best, dead at worse, because of their choices. We offer advice. We set examples, my husband is going back to school to finish his degree, my son was suppossed to start college in January and I have gone back for some training and will be starting an apprenticeship program. All to show how important education is.

 

My son, at 14, is opening a Roth IRA and touring colleges and getting ready to start. This has been an open and ongoing conversation since before we formally blended the families. The steps heard me talking to my son about college when he was 9.

 

The exposure and examples have not been enough and the steps do not get it. As a result we are stepping things up from talking and examples to handholding. My husband will be taking the older step to a place that is open for walk ins to come in a access computers that are limited to job postings, they will teach how to fill out applications, how to dress for interviews, how to navigate public transportation etc. Do they have to go? Well, it is tied to having a place to live and being a part of the family. Once I am well enough and DH has the pattern established, I will take over some of the driving them to the place. My son, who has a knack for public transportation, will teach them how to use it and there will be required tasks, for example, getting to Target or Walmart to buy new underwear or findind a second grocery store. Or whatever is needed. Skills will be explicitly taught then expected to be done independently. Simply saying "you can do X if you want" has not been enough even with everyone else showing the example. Baby steps are needed with full family involvement to teach and do along side them. Everyone is in college or apprenticeship program.

[Scarlett]

My husband can live without alcohol.

You can live without Taco Bell.

 

It is widely known that fast foods are comfort foods, that they are addictive and, thus, why they are so popular.

 

If your son isn’t underweight, there is no need for him to be an issue in your other son’s struggle. I apologize. I thought he was an equation in the food issues at home. He certainly doesn’t need to keep food hidden just for himself then.

 

He hasn't kept food hidden for himself.  I put a box of breakfast bars in his room yesterday.  First time I have ever done that. 

 

As for Taco Bell...you people need to give me a break on me trying to grab a taco to eat in the 20 minutes before we had to be back at the doctors office.  

[Scarlett]

This, and the posts about this by you bother me. You are a family. Maybe not a tradition family, but a family non the less. I have two adult step children who are absolute disasters. One blames dad for their choices in life (not going to college, not getting a job). I have enabling inlaws who make the problem worse. We are still a family. DH and I may have no clue how the heck to wake the adults up to the reality that they will end up destitute at best, dead at worse, because of their choices. We offer advice. We set examples, my husband is going back to school to finish his degree, my son was suppossed to start college in January and I have gone back for some training and will be starting an apprenticeship program. All to show how important education is.

 

My son, at 14, is opening a Roth IRA and touring colleges and getting ready to start. This has been an open and ongoing conversation since before we formally blended the families. The steps heard me talking to my son about college when he was 9.

 

The exposure and examples have not been enough and the steps do not get it. As a result we are stepping things up from talking and examples to handholding. My husband will be taking the older step to a place that is open for walk ins to come in a access computers that are limited to job postings, they will teach how to fill out applications, how to dress for interviews, how to navigate public transportation etc. Do they have to go? Well, it is tied to having a place to live and being a part of the family. Once I am well enough and DH has the pattern established, I will take over some of the driving them to the place. My son, who has a knack for public transportation, will teach them how to use it and there will be required tasks, for example, getting to Target or Walmart to buy new underwear or findind a second grocery store. Or whatever is needed. Skills will be explicitly taught then expected to be done independently. Simply saying "you can do X if you want" has not been enough even with everyone else showing the example. Baby steps are needed with full family involvement to teach and do along side them. Everyone is in college or apprenticeship program.

 

 

Are you suggesting that is all we have done for him?  To say 'you can do it if you want'?  

 

I never said we aren't a family.  I said a blended family is not the same as an intact family.  

[Scarlett]

Ok I found his med info.  .2 mg of desmopressin and 25 mg of imipramine.

 

But like I said he is almost completely off of those.  

[caedmyn]

Would you consider having a full thyroid panel done for him? Undiagnosed thyroid problems could certainly cause weight issues, and if your dr did any thyroid testing it was likely just a TSH which doesn't really measure thyroid function. You can order one for him yourself at various websites like Ulta Labs. If you have it done, please check the results agaibst the optimal numbers at www.stopthethyroidmadness.com, regardless of what the dr says about them.

 

Perhaps this has been mentioned in previous threads, but it seems to me that with him going to the culinary arts program every day with free junk food available, he is really set up for failure. Yes it would be great if he had the willpower to avoid the fried foods, but since he doesn't...seems to me that if he's going to succeed, there's going to have to be some change in that area to make it possible.

 

I get your frustration. My DH is a similar weight and doesn't seem to care. He's gained about 80 lbs since we got married. My family's always been thin. It bothers me, but he's an adult, so it's his choice and his responsibility if he wants to do something different. He doesn't want my help or support, so I've mentally stepped back. Your dss is not yet an adult. That doesn't mean he has no responsibility, but he does need help and support. Sounds like you've tried a lot to help him. I would encourage you to be open to thinking outside the box, whether that be a keto diet for a month with the whole family (is there any way he could skip one visit with his mom and make it up a different time), a counselor, or some of the other suggestions on this thread. There's probably something in there that would be helpful, even if the overall tone of the poster is adversarial.

[Scarlett]

Would you consider having a full thyroid panel done for him? Undiagnosed thyroid problems could certainly cause weight issues, and if your dr did any thyroid testing it was likely just a TSH which doesn't really measure thyroid function. You can order one for him yourself at various websites like Ulta Labs. If you have it done, please check the results agaibst the optimal numbers at www.stopthethyroidmadness.com, regardless of what the dr says about them.

 

Perhaps this has been mentioned in previous threads, but it seems to me that with him going to the culinary arts program every day with free junk food available, he is really set up for failure. Yes it would be great if he had the willpower to avoid the fried foods, but since he doesn't...seems to me that if he's going to succeed, there's going to have to be some change in that area to make it possible.

 

I get your frustration. My DH is a similar weight and doesn't seem to care. He's gained about 80 lbs since we got married. My family's always been thin. It bothers me, but he's an adult, so it's his choice and his responsibility if he wants to do something different. He doesn't want my help or support, so I've mentally stepped back. Your dss is not yet an adult. That doesn't mean he has no responsibility, but he does need help and support. Sounds like you've tried a lot to help him. I would encourage you to be open to thinking outside the box, whether that be a keto diet for a month with the whole family (is there any way he could skip one visit with his mom and make it up a different time), a counselor, or some of the other suggestions on this thread. There's probably something in there that would be helpful, even if the overall tone of the poster is adversarial.

 

 

Well, I don't know about the thyroid testing.  I think on the next trip to the doctor....probably in a month....a lot of things need to be addressed.  I can suggest dh add that to the list.

 

As far as the way he wants to make a living....I don't know what to say about that either.  He really likes the program and it is all he has ever wanted to do.  He will just have to decide.

[caedmyn]

Have you mentioned the program he's in and the associated problems to the dr? Couldn't hurt to at least mention it. I wonder, since he's under 18, if with a dr.'s note the school could somehow make the free food unavailable to him?

[Scarlett]

35 plus a weight related comormidity is morbidly obese. Or 40 with no comorbidities.

 

 

There is conflicting info on what makes morbidly obese.  this  https://www.healthline.com/health/weight-loss/obesity#diagnosis site says 35 is morbidly obese.

 

Where did you get the numbers of 40 being morbidly obese or with other issues it is 35?

 

Edited to add The CDC doesn't use the word morbidly...just three classes of obese and 35-40 is class 2.

Edited December 19, 2017 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

Have you mentioned the program he's in and the associated problems to the dr? Couldn't hurt to at least mention it. I wonder, since he's under 18, if with a dr.'s note the school could somehow make the free food unavailable to him?

 

 

The doctor knows what program he is in.  He has talked to him about it...about finding ways to make being a chef work for him instead of against him.

[Reefgazer]

My DS is overweight and demolishes food like that.  I just don't buy it to keep in the house.  If DH wants soda, he's got to take it to work and keep it there because DS will blow through everything.  I have a friend who went whole-hog on her DS for gorging food and she locked the pantry and signed him up for swim lessons; kid became an excellent swimmer and is now downright slender.  If you feel you need to not buy it or you need to lock it up, I say go ahead; whatever it takes to help him.

The doctor upped his blood pressure med a month  ago and had dss16  in for a BP check today.  First it was 140/84.  Then 15 minutes later it was 130/78.  Weight at 298 Doc wasn't there to give feedback on the BP....I don't know if he will think that is ok or if he will increase meds again.  

 

The weight is a problem.  I have no idea what to suggest next.  I will let dh deal with him.  I have resorted to keeping my snacks at work just so they don't all disappear in 3 days.  I had a bag of granola in the cabinet that I use with yogurt.  1 TBLE for a 1/2 cup of yogurt, just for some crunch.  Small box will last me weeks.  It was gone in 3 days.  Same with a breakfast bar I bought for ds17...He got one out of the box....dss17 ate the rest.  I bought a box today and put in ds17's room.  I don't know what else to do....I never thought I would have to live with hiding food.

 

Edited to correct weight.

 

[Χά�ων]

Are you suggesting that is all we have done for him? To say 'you can do it if you want'?

 

I never said we aren't a family. I said a blended family is not the same as an intact family.

Have you read what you have posted? That is where I get my informatiin from.

[ktgrok]

There is conflicting info on what makes morbidly obese.  this  https://www.healthline.com/health/weight-loss/obesity#diagnosis site says 35 is morbidly obese.

 

Where did you get the numbers of 40 being morbidly obese or with other issues it is 35?

 

Edited to add The CDC doesn't use the word morbidly...just three classes of obese and 35-40 is class 2.

 

Bariatric specialists use the cut offs I mentioned, as do insurance companies, generally speaking. This site does as well. https://www.livestrong.com/article/35793-difference-between-obesity-morbid-obesity/

[Tammi K]

Quite frankly, this sums up the entire problem.

He lives with you. It is really the same.

 

From my long ago profession in social work, I strongly urge you to seek family therapy as well as individual therapy for your step son.

 

 

Family therapy?  For what?

Your posts make me want to cry for this poor child. 

 

Back from the very beginning of the time you DSS came to stay with you it has been one post after another about how this poor boy doesn't measure up to your DS.   Pool parties, friends, food...it's always something about how this poor boy just doesn't fit in in one way or another. 

 

If someone was constantly watching everything I do with an eye to judgement, I wouldn't be inclined to even try.  This child isn't going to win. If he does eat a salad today and he eats too many nuts tomorrow, what will you notice? What will you remember?

 

I can't imagine being a teen and moved to a new home and trying to navigate a new family culture with a woman who sees everything I do as inferior. Being overweight is hard. Having hypertension is hard. Controlling both of them is HARD!  And, having someone watch and judge your every move is HARD!

 

Regarding the Taco Bell visit, you said he 'shouldn't have needed a snack because he ate at school.'  Seriously, how much time had elapsed?  He ate at school, he came home, he drove in the car with you to Taco Bell - a half-hour, 45 minutes, an hour, more?  How nutritious was his lunch? If it's like most school lunches, it's crap. He might have actually been hungry; or, maybe he wanted to share the social action of eating because you were. Maybe it just sounded good at the time.   But, it sounds to me like you had already decided before you even placed an order that he didn't deserve to eat.

 

Honestly, he sounds to me like a kid who is eating his pain. And watching every painful move he makes isn't going to help. And, judging him for it is only going to make it worse.  What you are doing isn't helping. You can see that.  People here are suggesting counseling.  That might be a good starting point.  Others are saying you aren't his mother so let it go.  That is also a very valid point.  This just isn't your battle to fight. 

 

Before you decided that I'm a horrible person and I'm hating on you, let me share one thing so perhaps you can understand.   I am overweight and I have high blood pressure.  I know that a huge part of my weight issue is emotional eating.  I also know that I have a lot of sensory issue.  I seek textures and flavors when I am stressed.  But, I am working on all of these issues. 

 

My blood pressure is out of control.  I have worked with a doctor, switching medications, changing dosages, etc. We can't find the magic combination to bring the numbers down.  My blood sugars are high too.  I am working on it.  In the last 3 months I have lost some weight - not a huge amount but about 20 lbs.  But, my numbers are still high.

 

My husband is stationed overseas.  We were skyping last week and he asked about the 'numbers.'  I told him about the recent visit. The very first words out of his mouth were, " Maybe it would help if you lost some weight."   I've been married to this man for 35 years and at that moment in time, I HATED him. How dare he decide that he had all of the answers for me without asking any questions first.  He didn't see me- he saw a fat, unhealthy problem that needed to be fixed. 

 

I wonder how you stepson views himself when he sees you looking at him with your eyes.  My intention isn't to nit-pick at you. I just hurt all over for this poor child who will never be good enough for you.

[Scarlett]

Your posts make me want to cry for this poor child. 

 

Back from the very beginning of the time you DSS came to stay with you it has been one post after another about how this poor boy doesn't measure up to your DS.   Pool parties, friends, food...it's always something about how this poor boy just doesn't fit in in one way or another. 

 

If someone was constantly watching everything I do with an eye to judgement, I wouldn't be inclined to even try.  This child isn't going to win. If he does eat a salad today and he eats too many nuts tomorrow, what will you notice? What will you remember?

 

I can't imagine being a teen and moved to a new home and trying to navigate a new family culture with a woman who sees everything I do as inferior. Being overweight is hard. Having hypertension is hard. Controlling both of them is HARD!  And, having someone watch and judge your every move is HARD!

 

Regarding the Taco Bell visit, you said he 'shouldn't have needed a snack because he ate at school.'  Seriously, how much time had elapsed?  He ate at school, he came home, he drove in the car with you to Taco Bell - a half-hour, 45 minutes, an hour, more?  How nutritious was his lunch? If it's like most school lunches, it's crap. He might have actually been hungry; or, maybe he wanted to share the social action of eating because you were. Maybe it just sounded good at the time.   But, it sounds to me like you had already decided before you even placed an order that he didn't deserve to eat.

 

Honestly, he sounds to me like a kid who is eating his pain. And watching every painful move he makes isn't going to help. And, judging him for it is only going to make it worse.  What you are doing isn't helping. You can see that.  People here are suggesting counseling.  That might be a good starting point.  Others are saying you aren't his mother so let it go.  That is also a very valid point.  This just isn't your battle to fight. 

 

Before you decided that I'm a horrible person and I'm hating on you, let me share one thing so perhaps you can understand.   I am overweight and I have high blood pressure.  I know that a huge part of my weight issue is emotional eating.  I also know that I have a lot of sensory issue.  I seek textures and flavors when I am stressed.  But, I am working on all of these issues. 

 

My blood pressure is out of control.  I have worked with a doctor, switching medications, changing dosages, etc. We can't find the magic combination to bring the numbers down.  My blood sugars are high too.  I am working on it.  In the last 3 months I have lost some weight - not a huge amount but about 20 lbs.  But, my numbers are still high.

 

My husband is stationed overseas.  We were skyping last week and he asked about the 'numbers.'  I told him about the recent visit. The very first words out of his mouth were, " Maybe it would help if you lost some weight."   I've been married to this man for 35 years and at that moment in time, I HATED him. How dare he decide that he had all of the answers for me without asking any questions first.  He didn't see me- he saw a fat, unhealthy problem that needed to be fixed. 

 

I wonder how you stepson views himself when he sees you looking at him with your eyes.  My intention isn't to nit-pick at you. I just hurt all over for this poor child who will never be good enough for you.

 

 

I am sorry you are struggling.  

 

Nothing in your above post about me is actually true.  About the Taco Bell incident I am going to say one more time what happened exactly.  I knew there was no food in the house.  So when dss got home I told him we would go get lunch before the doctor.  I planned to stop somewhere where we could eat healthy. I told him that. HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT.  I did not decide he didn't deserve to eat.  I don't know how much time had passed because I wasn't with him when he ate at school, but I chose to get a quick bite vs doing a sit down lunch because HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT. 

 

I do not see everything he does as inferior.  I do not see and judge his every move.  

 

I did a search of my posts for the past year and I had a couple about dss and a couple about ds.  Several times when I was complaining about something my son did to make me nuts people ASSUMED I was talking about my ss and I had to correct them.  They ASSUMED that because they have already decided I judge and mistreat my dss and that I think my ds is perfect.  

 

I think many people on this board who struggle with weight cannot even actually see me for the person I am.  Their judgment is as clouded by their own issues as mine might be because I have never been overweight.

[Scarlett]

Your posts make me want to cry for this poor child. 

 

Back from the very beginning of the time you DSS came to stay with you it has been one post after another about how this poor boy doesn't measure up to your DS.   Pool parties, friends, food...it's always something about how this poor boy just doesn't fit in in one way or another. 

 

If someone was constantly watching everything I do with an eye to judgement, I wouldn't be inclined to even try.  This child isn't going to win. If he does eat a salad today and he eats too many nuts tomorrow, what will you notice? What will you remember?

 

I can't imagine being a teen and moved to a new home and trying to navigate a new family culture with a woman who sees everything I do as inferior. Being overweight is hard. Having hypertension is hard. Controlling both of them is HARD!  And, having someone watch and judge your every move is HARD!

 

Regarding the Taco Bell visit, you said he 'shouldn't have needed a snack because he ate at school.'  Seriously, how much time had elapsed?  He ate at school, he came home, he drove in the car with you to Taco Bell - a half-hour, 45 minutes, an hour, more?  How nutritious was his lunch? If it's like most school lunches, it's crap. He might have actually been hungry; or, maybe he wanted to share the social action of eating because you were. Maybe it just sounded good at the time.   But, it sounds to me like you had already decided before you even placed an order that he didn't deserve to eat.

 

Honestly, he sounds to me like a kid who is eating his pain. And watching every painful move he makes isn't going to help. And, judging him for it is only going to make it worse.  What you are doing isn't helping. You can see that.  People here are suggesting counseling.  That might be a good starting point.  Others are saying you aren't his mother so let it go.  That is also a very valid point.  This just isn't your battle to fight. 

 

Before you decided that I'm a horrible person and I'm hating on you, let me share one thing so perhaps you can understand.   I am overweight and I have high blood pressure.  I know that a huge part of my weight issue is emotional eating.  I also know that I have a lot of sensory issue.  I seek textures and flavors when I am stressed.  But, I am working on all of these issues. 

 

My blood pressure is out of control.  I have worked with a doctor, switching medications, changing dosages, etc. We can't find the magic combination to bring the numbers down.  My blood sugars are high too.  I am working on it.  In the last 3 months I have lost some weight - not a huge amount but about 20 lbs.  But, my numbers are still high.

 

My husband is stationed overseas.  We were skyping last week and he asked about the 'numbers.'  I told him about the recent visit. The very first words out of his mouth were, " Maybe it would help if you lost some weight."   I've been married to this man for 35 years and at that moment in time, I HATED him. How dare he decide that he had all of the answers for me without asking any questions first.  He didn't see me- he saw a fat, unhealthy problem that needed to be fixed. 

 

I wonder how you stepson views himself when he sees you looking at him with your eyes.  My intention isn't to nit-pick at you. I just hurt all over for this poor child who will never be good enough for you.

 

And really you guys can quit 'hurting' for him.  He may be struggling with his weight and I know that is hard, but he has a good life and good opportunities and he has a step mother who is doing her  best by him.  And he is where he chose to be.  He wasn't kicked out of his mom's and he wasn't forced to come live with his dad and horrible step mother.