The better I feel...the angrier I feel...

[SparklyUnicorn]

I know this is probably going to be the weirdest thing I've ever said, but it seems the more I've gotten my act together mentally and physically (mental health..physical health) the more I resent my parents.  A big part of me just thinks...Sparkly...you are a grown woman who should not be dwelling on her crappy childhood.  Buck up sissy pants.  And I mostly believe that to be the truth.  But I'm a little curious as to why these thoughts have started flooding my brain.  It's gotten to the point where I've been avoiding talking to my dad because I'm mad at stuff he did many years ago.

 

What gives?

 

I'll be fine.  I know I will.  I just don't know where this crazy thinking is coming from. 

 

 

[Barb_]

I don't think that's unusual. The older you get, the farther you get from your childhood, the more you look at your former self in the third person. You feel empathy for her and get angry on her behalf because the grown ups in her life failed to protect her in the way you know it should have been done. You were numb but as you grow mentally healthier and more stable it becomes clear how wrong it all was.

 

Add hormone changes due to being a middle-aged woman and you're less likely to want to make time for garbage from other people. Life is too short.

 

:grouphug:

[maize]

Maybe just getting to a place where you really recognize how very whacked life was with two mentally ill parents? You haven't processed the reality before and now you are?

 

I'm sorry it is making your current relationship with your dad hard. Maybe writing it all out would help? Even a ceremony of some kind--write out all the wrongs and then shred or burn them. It really was wrong, but your dad was also likely doing about as well as he could given the realities of his life and illness and understanding at the time.

 

 

But you know it is OK to take some time and space for yourself as well.

 

Oh, if ruminating over this stuff is getting the better of you maybe look up some CBT techniques for moving past negative ruminations. I'd suggest a therapist but I know you haven't always had great experiences with them.

[maize]

Dp

Edited October 26, 2017 by maize

[SparklyUnicorn]

I have written it out.  (well typed it out)  I was a little stunned when I was done.

 

 

[kiana]

I think it's totally normal as you move into a healthier place, to start realizing the contrast between what could have been and what was. I am going through this myself. 

[Guest]

It's really hard to figure out what's going on when we're in the middle of it, and we're just trying to survive all of the personal damage we're sustaining.

 

I would encourage you to keep processing the anger, and to keep typing out your thoughts each time you feel the anger or sadness welling up inside. It's important, though, to release it bit by bit as you process it.

[HomeAgain]

It's kind of like grieving, no?  Like you're able to miss what you rightfully should have had.  But if you go through the same steps, eventually you'll come out the other side.

[Tanaqui]

Now that you're in a better spot, you have time to look around and see what was wrong. This isn't crazy thinking. Sounds normal to me.

[Scarlett]

I went through that too.  I am 52 now and to a stage where I recognize that everyone mostly did the best they could with what they had to work with.  

 

So I think it is normal, but it is a stage that I think you will get through.

[catz]

Oh my gosh - I totally went through this when I had SEVERE PPD and anxiety.  It did help going to a talk therapist for a few months.  And then I worked through some stuff, let it go, and was able to move on.  I did use meds for a while, but haven't for years.  I feel I have been more emotionally and physically healthy since doing so.  This was years ago.  Anyway - I totally get it.  And you will work through it, it's super emotionally healthy to recognize it.  :grouphug:

[MEmama]

In addition to all the wisdom pps have mentioned, I think its natural to reflect on our own childhoods and family dynamics as we navigate our own way through parenting. And parenting teens offers a view that might not be so clear when we are totally immersed in the younger years.

 

I read over and over here how most of us are doing things differently than how we were raised. How we can now recognise the hurt or neglect or crazy that was inflicted on us, and how we vow not to make the same mistakes.

 

I am finding myself in the same position, and wondering sometimes why I put up with so much for as long as I did.

 

Thankfully we can break free of the negatives when it comes to raising our own children; learning to win the battle of our own demons isn't quite as easy.

 

:grouphug: You're not alone in this, Sparkly.

[catz]

I went through that too.  I am 52 now and to a stage where I recognize that everyone mostly did the best they could with what they had to work with.  

 

So I think it is normal, but it is a stage that I think you will get through.

 

:iagree: This is totally my motto now.  My parents both had extremely dysfunctional childhoods.  They very intentionally moved away and tried to start over.   I really do think they did the best they could with the tools they had available.  I feel lucky to have recognized this fairly early in life. 

[Selkie]

This happened to me, too. It took me a long time to get my act together because every time I started to get healthy, lots of uncomfortable truths would start bubbling up and it would make me so anxious. It was like once my mind was no longer distracted by disorganization and clutter and junk food, the truth wouldn't stay stuffed down anymore.  

[Peaceseeker]

Sometimes you have to be in a very healthy place to begin to tackle childhood traumas and dysfunction. If you are just surviving, you shove everything back and get through the day. When life is thriving and happy, you are finally in a 'safe' enough place to deal with it. Also it might be that a particular trauma happened right around the ages your kids are now. You are watching them go through a particular stage of life, and it may bring back memories of your own childhood at that age, and any trauma experienced.

 

A lot of my PTSD flared up when I was in the happiest and healthiest place in my life. I was finally able to process parts of my childhood and move on and let go. Painful, but eventually very freeing. I hope you experience the same relief!

Edited October 26, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[cintinative]

I didn't read the comments but I think sometimes, mercifully, we don't have to face all of those disappointments at one time. So we might struggle through some really hard stuff, think we are done, and then later some of "dross" floats to the top and needs to be skimmed off so to speak.  For me, when this sort of stuff pops up it is a sign I haven't really grieved something completely.  I had a really difficult relationship in my 20's. When I went to shred up those journals, I found myself grieving. It wasn't that I missed the person, or the relationship. I was grieving that I lost a little bit of myself in that relationship. I saw who I was before, and who I was after--and I was less of a free spirit. It was the first time I had acknowledged that to myself.  Not sure if any of that will make sense.

 

All that to say--it's normal--grief comes in waves.

[Liz CA]

I have written it out.  (well typed it out)  I was a little stunned when I was done.

 

Good! It helps sometimes to see something on paper, acknowledging it. It is not unusual at all for people to become aware and therefore perturbed when they finally allow themselves a reflective look back. I find it helps to acknowledge what happened or didn't happen (versus pretending it didn't or sweeping under the rug), acknowledging that you have moved forward and made better choices (versus dwelling on it) and finally having to forgive / make peace with the people who were part of that past (versus becoming bitter or remaining distant). In some cases it's better to remain distant if there was abuse - I am not reading this here but only you know what happened and can make that decision.

 

[Cindy in FL.]

Maybe it’s partly because you aren’t as distracted by the not feeling well, so now your mind can focus on the stuff with your dad more. I’ve noticed the same thing now that my dad has died. I don’t have to spend so much time, effort, and thought on his care and now I’m tired of hearing every talk like he was a saint. No, he did some pretty crappy stuff as a dad, and i’m Kind of mad about it!

 

I hope that you can quickly get to a better, healthier place with your relationship with your dad.

[Guest]

I was about your age when i started understand. i am still angry at the bystanders and the perps, but i know they dont understand mental illness and they wont take the responsibility to protect the children or heal themselves - its not in their dna or their culture. So, I have removed them from my life...they don't get to mess up my dc.

[Andromeda]

You are not alone to be sure.

 

The thing that gets me though, as I look at my own children, is how will they think of me and my actions when they are around my age. I hope that the good will at least make some impression.

 

ETA

 

Not comparing your situation directly with how I raise my kids. Just rambling thoughts on a rabid bunny trail.

Edited October 26, 2017 by RosemaryAndThyme

[Heathermomster]

My DD’s 3rd grade was hard on me because that was the grade my family exploded. My father was and remains such a jerk. From Jan.-June of 2017, I could not look at my sweet girl and not be ticked off all over again, or at my mother, for allowing him to hurt us. The divorce happened 38 years ago, and I thought I had moved on. Apparently, I was mistaken.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I think that anger is a step in the process to healing.  Once we come to fully grasp a situation with open eyes, anger sets in.  Try not to make any rash decisions, statements, etc right now.  Just process the anger for now and think hard before you act on it.  Write, write, write down all that you are feeling.  Find a therapist to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.  I am in a very similar situation right now and I have moved beyond the anger into an amazing space called "I finally know who I am, this does not define me, and I do not need this in my life in this way anymore".

 

ETA  I am not saying that the anger will not lead to decisions, difficult conversations, etc.  I am just saying process it and think through it first.  

Edited October 26, 2017 by Attolia

[SparklyUnicorn]

In addition to all the wisdom pps have mentioned, I think its natural to reflect on our own childhoods and family dynamics as we navigate our own way through parenting. And parenting teens offers a view that might not be so clear when we are totally immersed in the younger years.

 

I read over and over here how most of us are doing things differently than how we were raised. How we can now recognise the hurt or neglect or crazy that was inflicted on us, and how we vow not to make the same mistakes.

 

I am finding myself in the same position, and wondering sometimes why I put up with so much for as long as I did.

 

Thankfully we can break free of the negatives when it comes to raising our own children; learning to win the battle of our own demons isn't quite as easy.

 

:grouphug: You're not alone in this, Sparkly.

 

Yes, that's a huge part of it.  I don't want to be a crappy parent.  But my goodness how do you not *uck up a little when you are so arfed up yourself?  Ya know?  So then I think..gee maybe I'm being too hard on my parents.  They couldn't help it.  So maybe my anger needs to be directed at the situation and not them. 

 

So thanks..that helped.  LOL 

[Bambam]

I am sorry. It is tough to remember difficulties in your childhood. 

 

I've seen things my parents did that I won't do. I've seen things my parents did do, and I think I see the reason they did them (hard to tell for sure because both of my parents are dead), but we've chosen to do some things differently and some things very similar.

 

And now that I have an adult child, who has let me know some of the things I did 'wrong' (In her opinion), I wonder if any parent can do everything right! We always tried to do what we thought was best in each situation, and maybe we weren't always right (definitely!), but we were doing the best with what we had and what we knew.  With more than one child, that just increases the difficulty! 

 

(((hugs))) as you go through this. May you find peace. 

[Katy]

So two things - when you start to understand what healthy is, you start to resent what wasn't healthy that you deserved.  It's a new wound because you just realized what you should have had.  So you have to forgive all over again, and that's as much a decision as it was the first time around.

 

Also, when your brain is trying to decide whether to lose an old memory or not, it will come to mind.  If you seethe and obsess and keep thinking about it, you keep the memory.  If it was one of those, "I was randomly thinking that the other day, don't know why," you'll likely soon forget the incident entirely.