jen3kids Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 This is just a vent - understanding and 'been there; done that' are all that is needed. My mil is here for a visit, and she tries my patience. She really is a lovely woman, but just so different from me. For example, she can spend hours at Wegman's (or any store, really) just looking around, whereas I'm in and out. She has mobility issues that have worsened since her last visit, so uses a walker or motorized scooter to get around 95% of the time. As a result she needs help getting up and down the stairs, which is no problem and all of us willingly help her. When she arrived last Tuesday she told me she fell at her assisted living home. She told the nurses but refused to go for x-rays. She also told me she fell twice the day before she came here and did not tell the nurses. Her back started bothering her a few days after her first fall, but she still said nothing to the nurses. Now she is here and it is at least 12 days since her first fall and she wants to go to the dr. She checks her insurance, they'll pay, so I email my dr and she can see her this afternoon (I love my dr!). She gets showered and dressed (which takes at least an hour and a half - another way we are very different). She comes up stairs from her basement bedroom unassisted. I think, hmm - weird. I comment on how easily she came up the stairs, and that she did it alone. She tells me she doubled her painkillers this morning! After telling me all week that she wasn't taking them (reason unknown) - why, in heaven's name, would you double them before you go to the dr? GRRRRRR I'm annoyed and I feel badly about feeling annoyed. I missed going to the gym this morning because I was emailing my dr and then waiting for the office to open to make the appt to see what time I could take her in. I was really hoping dh would be able to do it (she is his mother after all), but of course, he has a business meeting, so it falls to me to take her. I don't mind, but if I had of known she wouldn't have her appt until after lunch, I could have gone to the gym. But now, I'll miss this afternoon's class too (my back-up class) because I'll be taking her to the dr. I'm over-tired and need to get more sleep, but I just overheard her tell my son that she's making a list so that we can go shopping after the dr's appt this afternoon. Give me patience!!!! She is now telling my dd all the stores she'd like to go to - greenhouse, market, TJ Maxx, Walmart... and at each of those places I will have to get her electric scooter in and out of my suv... ugh! I can predict how this dr visit will play out, and the subsequent annoyances she will have to deal with regarding insurance. I can also imagine that if I told her we were going somewhere today instead of the dr that she'd jump up and be ready, with no mention of back pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Ugh. That sounds terrible. I feel for you. We stay at my inlaws for a week (which is way, way, WAY to long to be a guest or a host) each year and it is so difficult. I would probably make up a reason why you cannot go to all those stores today. Maybe just agree to one (or none)? And then let your DH take her tonight or some other night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Oh my, that does sound aggravating. I hope for your sake that she'll be going home soon. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Ugh. She sounds like she is bored. Would she enjoy getting an Uber and spending "special" time with one of the kids? Maybe they could go see a movie together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 What **had** you planned to do with your MIL during her visit? Anything? It's clear you are different people, but I figure she is not doing these things to purposely irritate you. Part of me wants to say, Toughen Up, Buttercup. Probably not helping that I'm dealing with an impatient and uncompromising young adult this afternoon. I've got an idea -- I'll trade ya!!!! You can have this obstinate, procrastinator person and I'll take your MIL to the doc and shopping. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat as needed. I hope you can find patience and compassion to help your MIL today and that the doctor is able to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 What **had** you planned to do with your MIL during her visit? Anything? It's clear you are different people, but I figure she is not doing these things to purposely irritate you. Part of me wants to say, Toughen Up, Buttercup. Probably not helping that I'm dealing with an impatient and uncompromising young adult this afternoon. I've got an idea -- I'll trade ya!!!! You can have this obstinate, procrastinator person and I'll take your MIL to the doc and shopping. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat as needed. I hope you can find patience and compassion to help your MIL today and that the doctor is able to help. Actually, y'all should put the young adult in service to the MIL and the two of you go out for a nice early dinner! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Actually, y'all should put the young adult in service to the MIL and the two of you go out for a nice early dinner! :hurray: :auto: Brilliant idea! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: I would definitely leave the shopping trips to her son, or at least another day when you aren't already tired. I can sympathize. My MIL is probably coming to visit for a week at the end of the month. In our very small house, an extra person really changes things. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastianCat Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Dealing with elderly people, especially when they are starting to decline physically (or mentally), is HARD. I agree with others that the "extra" shopping trips should be postponed until your DH has the time to take her. Make sure you get a written copy of the office visit from the doctor's office (or have MIL sign for you or your DH to have access to those records), then send a copy to her assisted living facility. At a minimum, your DH should probably call the nursing supervisor there to fill them in on her back pain and more recent falls, so they can keep a closer eye on her and document it in their records. [Worst case scenario: Your MIL returns home to her ALF and they notice bruises, then get suspicious about what happened on her visit with family, when in fact the bruises happened before she left their facility but she never reported the fall.] My own MIL was sometimes very difficult to deal with and could be very demanding. She passed away about a year and a half ago. At her funeral, more than one of her friends approached me to tell me how much she adored me and bragged on me for taking such good care of DH (her firstborn) and for homeschooling. That made my complaining about her being difficult sometimes seem pretty petty. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 This would really annoy me too. Also, my MIL is the same way as far as taking forever in stores where I would be in and out. The idea of going to so many stores with my MIL would require a Valium prescription. We're on your side! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 :grouphug: how old is she? how did her visit to the dr go? I'd be annoyed too. my mil got a hip replacement - then refused to do any of the PT. so, she's learned how to get around in a wheelchair. no one is sad she can't do stairs anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 :grouphug: I hope you were able to trim down the shopping trip list. Maybe spread it out over the rest of the visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted April 14, 2017 Author Share Posted April 14, 2017 First, thank you for the commiseration and the reminders to be patient and kind. I am trying very hard and am doing a pretty good job I think. We spent the majority of the afternoon at the dr., x-ray and drug store. So, no extra shopping today, but tomorrow will be a day with new opportunities. I didn't go into the appt with her; I should have, but it felt weird, and she already tells me too much about her bodily functions that I will ever need/want to know. I guess I need to get over that and be more involved, but it parenting a parent is not something I'm comfortable with yet. I will make sure the dr sends her records to her home and dh will call them tomorrow to update them on what's going on. Regarding her being bored... she definitely wants to be entertained, yet tells me pretty much nothing of what she wants to do. I always suggest our activities and she is excited for whatever I suggest (for the most part). The only thing she asks to do is to shop and I hate, hate, hate shopping, especially with her because she takes forever and we have completely different taste in clothes. She always asks my opinion and I give it, which frustrates her. I really wish she would come up with a list of things to do and I could just arrange them. She's computer savvy and totally capable of researching the area and making a list of to - dos. She does want to do things, but seems to believe that I need to be the one to offer them up. On one of her previous visits I made a list of things to do and we made a plan that worked quite well. I should do that for the rest of time here. I hate feeling annoyed by her and I know I will regret these feelings when she is no longer able to visit/with us. I'm trying to be gracious, but it is hard at times. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 It is so hard to be gracious when you don't feel like it, even though you know it is the right thing to do. I can see why she wants to go out - living in Assisted Living must get somewhat isolating and very boring. I also have an in-law who shops like that in an obnoxiously slow manner. It is frustrating. Sometimes when I am being consciously gracious and resenting it, I imagine how good I will feel about myself afterward. I pat myself on the back, tell myself what a good and kind and giving person I am, and grit my teeth. I also take lots of breaks to recollect my composure. :) You are doing a good thing. It is a hard thing to do, and it is good of you to do it. I am sorry it is such a burden, and that the burden falls more on you than on your husband. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Please make sure that someone is looking into why she is falling. Sometimes people get so caught up in taking care of the results of a fall and forget to look for the reason for the fall. Is she lightheaded? If so, is she on blood pressure medicine that needs to be adjusted? What about heart medicine? Is she not using her walker when she should be? Does she need some education on its importance? Does her room need to be rearranged so it can be within an arms reach? Is she loosing leg or arm strength? Why? Is she tripping on something? Her room may need to be re-arranged (area rugs are particularly dangerous). Is she having mini-strokes? She may need a medication adjustment. There are tons more reasons that cause falls - but please, don't forget to make sure it's looked into. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 First, thank you for the commiseration and the reminders to be patient and kind. I am trying very hard and am doing a pretty good job I think. We spent the majority of the afternoon at the dr., x-ray and drug store. So, no extra shopping today, but tomorrow will be a day with new opportunities. I didn't go into the appt with her; I should have, but it felt weird, and she already tells me too much about her bodily functions that I will ever need/want to know. I guess I need to get over that and be more involved, but it parenting a parent is not something I'm comfortable with yet. I will make sure the dr sends her records to her home and dh will call them tomorrow to update them on what's going on. Regarding her being bored... she definitely wants to be entertained, yet tells me pretty much nothing of what she wants to do. I always suggest our activities and she is excited for whatever I suggest (for the most part). The only thing she asks to do is to shop and I hate, hate, hate shopping, especially with her because she takes forever and we have completely different taste in clothes. She always asks my opinion and I give it, which frustrates her. I really wish she would come up with a list of things to do and I could just arrange them. She's computer savvy and totally capable of researching the area and making a list of to - dos. She does want to do things, but seems to believe that I need to be the one to offer them up. On one of her previous visits I made a list of things to do and we made a plan that worked quite well. I should do that for the rest of time here. I hate feeling annoyed by her and I know I will regret these feelings when she is no longer able to visit/with us. I'm trying to be gracious, but it is hard at times. It's hard dealing with family as they age. You're a compassionate person to want to help. When I start to feel irritated about something with older relatives, I try to remember that one day (sooner than I'd like) I will be that older person. I hope that the "youngsters" will deal with me patiently and kindly when the time comes. I quoted the above part of your post because it made me wonder if, in her own way, your MIL is trying not to inconvenience you. By waiting until you offer a list of suggestions, she knows what's "safe" to suggest. She may be wary of making a to-see list because she's not sure if it will work for you and doesn't want to make you feel pressured. Just a thought. Maybe telling her "MIL, I'm free on Wednesday after 11 a.m. Why don't you plan an afternoon for us?" would help her feel comfortable taking the initiative and take the burden of being the social director off you. Again, you're a loving DIL to want to make her visit pleasant. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 :grouphug: Agreeing with others who say that dealing with older, declining adults is really hard. You're doing a really tough job and its perfectly normal to get frustrated. :grouphug: It still doesn't make us feel like Mother Teresa or Florence Nightingale...but I bet they got irritated with their patients too. I hope she gets some help from the doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted April 14, 2017 Author Share Posted April 14, 2017 The new prescription has helped tremendously with the pain and she is very happy about that. I went to the gym this morning and then we hit 3 stores today - greenhouse, WalMart and Target. We'll be going out for dinner in a bit because we are the only ones home tonight. We had a great time at the greenhouse, picking out plants to put along the driveway. She cannot actually help me plant, but she knows what looks good together and how to group them to look the best. Otherwise, I'd just plant them in a boring row! Tomorrow the market will be open, and we'll pick up more plants if necessary. Thank you again everyone for the understanding and the suggestions on how to deal with things, both emotionally and regarding her health . 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 👠Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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