Parents of older anxious kids - what would you have done differently?

[bookbard]

I struggle to see my 6yr old as anxious, because in so many ways she doesn't fit (my idea of it). She is fine with new situations, never had a problem going off to preschool, makes friends easily, will try new foods etc. The anxiety I'm seeing at present is all about failure, I think - she melts down if presented with a problem she can't solve immediately (eg, she thought her violin teacher had given her guitar music to play - cried, crawled under the table, major meltdown. It was only hours later than she told me the problem). She had a major meltdown at the school running race as she realised she was coming last. She just stopped and would not move. I had to carry her off the track.

 

I find it perplexing and challenging. It's so variable. At school last week, with no notice, all the students were asked to play their instrument in front of the school and parents. She didn't even have her guitar there, and she has only been playing for 6 weeks. She got up and played her piece, with someone else's guitar. No problem.

 

Violin teacher wants the group to go perform at the old people's home. I feel stressed even thinking about it. Will she meltdown? I asked her what she thought and she started to freak. Why? Should I encourage her to do it as a learning exercise? Should I spare us all? 

 

I guess that's my main question - as the parent of an older child with anxiety, would you push more or push less? 

 

 

[maize]

I play it by ear.

 

I have five children with diagnosed anxiety disorder. With the one who sounds most similar to yours, I really just go by instinct--there are times when I accommodate and go out of my way to make things less stressful for them, and other times when I intentionally push them into experiences that stretch them.

 

For this particular child, age and maturity and experience have made a big difference and the anxiety is much more manageable now than it was at age 6.

 

It doesn't work that way with all anxious kids; some have anxiety that worsens over time, some cannot be pushed in a healthy way, some may benefit from more careful and gradual exposure, some may need medication to achieve functionality.

 

We have a social group for parents of children with anxiety if you would like to join.

[maize]

The book Mindset might give you some good ideas for helping a perfectionist child. Also anything by Brené Brown.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Yes, there is a Mindsets book specifically for parents.  Great strategies for helping perfectionist kids see challenges in a positive light.

 

Also, The New Birth Order Book, by Kevin Lehman.  His chapters on First and Only children, who tend to be perfectionists, are very helpful.

[City Mouse]

I don't know that I would "push" the child, but if I had to do it over again, I like to think I would get professional help much sooner.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

This is a difficult question. I try hard not to think of "should have".

 

I didn't know it was anxiety. I did the best I could.

 

I regret the times I got frustrated, now I know she was trying so hard at something triggering.

 

(hugs)

 

.

Edited April 1, 2017 by happi duck

[Ravin]

I don't know what I would have done differently when DD was younger, other than maybe push less in math.

 

Now that she is older and better able to articulate her feelings most of the time, I push when she asks me to. Really, I encourage when she pushes.

 

Sometimes it's hard to judge whether preparing in advance will help, or just lead to excessive worrying.

[katilac]

I don't know that I would "push" the child, but if I had to do it over again, I like to think I would get professional help much sooner.

 

Ditto. 

[Pawz4me]

If I had it to do over again I would have gotten DS on medication and into a bit of therapy sooner. But that's what I wish I'd done for DS's particular situation, which isn't to say that's what you need to do. DS is 2e (ASD-1, NVLD, very gifted in some areas and has the generalized anxiety that often goes along with those diagnoses). So no doubt his situation is a bit more complicated than some. I had some significant anxiety as a child and in hindsight I feel certain that I would have been helped greatly by some therapy and perhaps medication.

[bookbard]

Thanks, I think I'd better look into assessment etc. 

 

I have read mindset and yet can't see that it's a solution, really. I've always been about the effort not the result, right from when the kids were very small. We always say "you tried hard!" rather than "you're so smart" or whatever. I mean, I agree with the overall concept - but I can't see it as a solution. 

[maize]

Thanks, I think I'd better look into assessment etc.

 

I have read mindset and yet can't see that it's a solution, really. I've always been about the effort not the result, right from when the kids were very small. We always say "you tried hard!" rather than "you're so smart" or whatever. I mean, I agree with the overall concept - but I can't see it as a solution.

There isn't really a solution to anxiety. There are brain building things you can do, such as daily exercise, good diet, restorative sleep, meditation. There are mind building and coping capacity building things such as consistent development of a growth mindset, cognitive behavioral therapy, gradual exposure to triggers. There are supportive supplements and sometimes transformational medications. There are social support and validation.

 

But there really are no silver bullets.

Edited April 2, 2017 by maize

[LucyStoner]

I would have recognized earlier on that anxiety is not a parenting issue.  They have GAD because they have a likely inheritable mental health condition, not because of anything I did or didn't do.  

[bookbard]

Thanks. Half the time I'm ok with all the meltdowns, as 'part of the package' of being gifted. Extra-sensitive and all that. Half the time I'm like "what have I done wrong? I've loved her so much!" 

[umsami]

I didn't realize anxiety was the cause of a lot of the outbursts and such until much much later.  Had I know, I hope I would have gotten professional help sooner.

 

One thing I'd add that I wish I had done sooner, and still need to work on, is self-care for you.  When you are doing well, well-rested, eating well, etc. it is so much easier to help them handle their anxiety.  

[PeterPan]

2nd child through, this time we use Social Thinking materials.

 

https://www.socialthinking.com/Products/Helping%20Your%20Anxious%20Child  That's your top choice book for anxiety, but also look at everything

 

https://www.socialthinking.com/Products#f:dlb=[anxiety]

 

There are some really terrific social thinking materials, things to work on self-regulation, like 5 point scale, size of the problem, etc. I definitely would not let this go on. I think the other unhelpful thing we can do is assume what it's not. That leads to under-identification, especially in girls. More helpful to make data and put it all on the table in front of the psych and let them help you sort it out, kwim? But yes, the Social Thinking materials are TERRIFIC. It can be a process of growing her social thinking. Sounds like she's very perfectionist, but she's also not thinking through size of the problem, how other people feel about her behaviors, etc. That's stuff she can grow in.

[Lecka]

My older son is slightly anxious but he is not anxious enough to qualify as anxious.

 

I was advised to watch him in puberty to see if he gets more anxious then.

 

A huge thing for me ----- I need to try not to get uptight wondering "is he going to be anxious about this?" Because I really do interact with him in a shorter way that is just not as pleasant as if I am more relaxed.

 

The main thing I didn't know was that stomach aches could really be a sign of anxiety.

 

He has mostly had situational anxiety (he is diagnosed with dysgraphia and he had situational anxiety related to handwriting when he worried about writing too slowly, and things like that), and it helps for him to speak up for himself. That was really hard for him when he was younger, but he is better at it now.

 

But since he mostly had situational anxiety then it makes more sense for him to try to speak up and let people know what is wrong. He was lacking in that and it helped!

 

But our situation was a bit -- "let's try these things and see what happens" and he had improvement with improving the situation, so that is why they said "situational anxiety."

 

If not we would have gone on to counseling and medication. It was not okay for him to have those stomachaches, it wasn't good for him at all.

[JenneinCA]

I would have pushed for meds earlier. Back when I could have had more say in making it happen. As it is right now, despite the advice of a psychiatrist that has said they would be helpful the child in question absolutely refuses to consider it. And very very soon, said child will be away from the controlled environment that is home.

 

I am scared, but there is NOTHING that I can do.

[Lecka]

For my son we also found out that he specifically seemed to have some trouble with task initiation and then getting in a negative feedback loop.

 

Basically being nervous like "I can't do this, I am too slow, I won't be able to finish." Then these thoughts hurt his ability to get started. Then he doesn't get started and feels like "now I am behind."

 

So there are some little specific things to help him get started in the first place, make things seem manageable, etc, and then the negative feedback loop doesn't start.

 

Then he has more positive experiences.

 

This is ---- from my understanding the kind of thing that is common for a child with a learning difference of some kind.

 

He fits that.

 

So probably that isn't specifically helpful ----- but this was helpful advice we got from a counselor, without needing to take too many steps or make a big commitment. We got some good help without it being too big of a deal.

 

And mainly for us we found out more about dysgraphia and some OT issues.

[maize]

For those who have found medication helpful--which medication?

 

I know I've asked about this before, I'm still trying to sort through options.

[Ravin]

For those who have found medication helpful--which medication?

 

I know I've asked about this before, I'm still trying to sort through options.

DD takes sertraline (generic Zoloft) for anxiety.

[umsami]

We tried generic prozac first.  Unfortunately, he had increased suicidal thoughts.

 

Then, we took a break for about six weeks and he was on hydroxyzine...which was used to help with sleep (DS has sleep issues, which make anxiety 1000x worse), and also used to treat anxiety.  This actually worked well, but DS feels very sleepy in the morning, so she cut the dose.  Before this, we were using melatonin for sleep which helped some, but not as much.

 

We're also just starting Lexapro. To early to have any ideas.

 

In addition, we do Omega 3s, magnesium, and vitamin D3.

Edited April 2, 2017 by umsami

[Farrar]

I wish I had pushed less. He was just so easygoing about it most of the time that I didn't see that it was an issue that was building over time.

 

Seconding the getting help early thing. We sought help when phobias started to emerge that prevented him from doing normal things sometimes, but I think maybe we could have benefitted from help earlier. Also, don't be afraid to shop around for the right therapist. And if the relationship with the therapist is good, then hopefully it's someone you can see more and less often as needed over the years. Right now, ds just checks in with the therapist every couple of months.

[LucyStoner]

Thanks. Half the time I'm ok with all the meltdowns, as 'part of the package' of being gifted. Extra-sensitive and all that. Half the time I'm like "what have I done wrong? I've loved her so much!" 

 

It's all too easy to blame ourselves, both as moms and as women.  I am not above admitting that when I started my younger son on anxiety medication, I felt mighty guilty.  While I know I didn't parent this into him, I also have anxiety, and I felt terribly shitty that I had passed that on to them.   This is about as logical as feeling responsible for passing on my high foot arch or green eyes, lol.  

 

The good news is that while we didn't cause it, we can help them learn to live happy and fruitful lives with it.  I found I was better able to do this when I let go of thinking it was a parenting problem or lapse on my part.  

[happi duck]

I also have sometimes felt guilty for passing on anxiety.

 

I look back and can see that I had some good habits that helped a lot. I didn't realize how much those habits mattered so didn't hold onto them fiercely enough, kwim?

 

DD and I are working together on getting better and I'm thankful that DD will know that these habits are important to hold on to.

[Pawz4me]

For those who have found medication helpful--which medication?

 

I know I've asked about this before, I'm still trying to sort through options.

 

Fluoxetine (generic Prozac).

 

DS also takes magnesium. I can't say whether it helps his anxiety or not. If it does I think the effect is extremely minimal. He was taking it before he started on fluoxetine and I didn't see any notable difference in his anxiety level. I started giving it to him to help with other issues.

[slackermom]

I have a 12yo child who was diagnosed with anxiety by 7yo. It was tricky to recognize. In some ways they appear fearless.

 

My child started public school at age 3, and parents were invited to stay as long as we wanted on the first day of school. So, I told them I would stay as long as they wanted. Most parents left within the first hour. My child was not really exhibiting anxiety, just curiosity. Whenever I said, should I go now?, my child said, no not yet. I was there through lunch and nap time and playground time, etc, and I was still there when the other parents returned.

 

I was really nervous about day 2. The teacher said we should take 5 minutes max to settle them in. When we got there, my child turned to me and said, this is not your day to stay, you should go now. I got a quick hug and a wave. What?! Since we had been through the whole routine, there was no anxiety about being there. When there were out-of-the-ordinary events, like a school concert, my child was sent to the library along with the autistic boy in their class. I did not know about that practice until I showed up for an event and couldn't find my child. At that age, there was no diagnosis, and the teachers didn't see it as a problem.

 

My parenting philosophy generally involved stating expectations up front, and they were usually very compliant. Problems would creep up when expectations and reality did not match, but I try to do think-out-loud problem-solving as calmly as possible to deal with the unexpected. At they get older, I hold back more in the moment, and let my child lead where appropriate, though we often have a what-if conversation on the way to a new place, and we have designated safe spaces in stores that we visit regularly, like Target. We both have major sensory issues, so we need to be flexible about some stuff.

 

One psychiatrist we saw (briefly) last year said I should try not doing that planning/discussion, thinking that it may set up false expectations, or that they would become reliant on their expectations, but honestly, he never had to get anything done in the company of this child! 

 

At age 10, we got evaluated by another psychiatrist who said the behavior didn't match any ASD diagnosis. I think with really high IQ kids it can be difficult to tease out what is going on.

 

My child has recently identified strongly with the diagnosis of Asperger's, after reading about it online, though no doctor has applied this diagnosis, and I have not tried to pursue it.  So, at the moment, they treat with a psychology resident, with CBT, for anxiety and misophonia, which is basically an intense hostile fight/flight reaction to certain sounds and related visuals.

 

So back to your question, push more or push less, I would have to say I spend a lot of time thinking about scaffolding, looking for ways to help them succeed. I don't force much, but I do a good bit of either/or negotiating, with various consequences, and I try to avoid making those consequences feel too punitive. If they want to visit a particular store, but they are too anxious to go inside on their own, if I can't find a parking spot, or I have to run my own errand and don't have time to go in, they may not get the thing they wanted, but they are not in trouble. But I try to give them more autonomy in places they are comfortable, hoping that using the Target self-check-out on their own will eventually lead to the confidence to try the dreaded corner store while I am outside. Little steps. Unfortunately they remember the "failures" more than the "successes."

 

The professionals all probably think I am too accommodating. A couple of weeks ago, the psychologist was telling me how she had been thinking she had made a mistake in letting my child leave a session when they got overwhelmed by a noise in the hall. My child has only stepped out twice, out of maybe 20 visits with her. The psychologist thought pushing them to stay and discuss their feelings would have been better. I disagreed, saying that now that my child knows they are not forced to stay, the anxiety level on future is actually reduced, because the office begins to feel more like a safe space. Maybe next time something like that happens, the two of them can talk about it, or they can try to use another coping strategy. 

 

p.s. They tried Lexapro, and my child hated the way they felt, so they started to throw out the pills when I wasn't looking. That was a bad scenario, so we dropped it for now.

Edited April 2, 2017 by slackermom

[gardenmom5]

dudeling is 12.  I don't have regrets, but we're still working on it and what else can we try for certain situations.  most of what we have done has been very beneficial and I can feel good about that.

 

I do have a friend whose son is now an adult - and she really regrets not taking it seriously when he was younger.  by the time he was a tween/teen he started shutting down.   he's now 25, and lives at home.  he's taken a few college classes - but mostly it is too stressful for him. (this is an advanced degree family.)  when they still lived here, our house was one of probably only two non-family associated homes he would go to, and be comfortable as opposed to anxious.  he didn't go anywhere else unless he absolutely had to.  like his doctors.

[6packofun]

I think I would have pushed my oldest ds more to do things that made him just a little uncomfortable and slowly work up from there.  I wish I'd had more of a PLAN, you know?  Given him more tools or something for managing it.  He's going to be 23 this month, lives at home, wants to go to trade school but unless I sign him up it doesn't look like he's going to do it on his own just yet.  I think we all feel stuck at this point.  

 

2 months ago he went to the dr. on his own and is now on an anti-depressant.  He also did all of his own scheduling and going to appointments to have a surgical procedure (cyst removal) done this past month--we just drove him home!  That was a pretty big accomplishment for him to take charge of his own medical care like that!  (It's also nice that he can pay his own medical bills.  lol)

Edited April 2, 2017 by 6packofun

[katilac]

  A whole lot more was going on in my dd's head than I knew  

 

Yes. Anxiety can be very 'quiet.'