House rules when home from college?

[PinkTulip]

My oldest DS is home from his first semester of college, and as I like to tell him, I have never had a college-aged child before, so I am figuring this out as I go.

 

Our issue has been what time my son comes home at night. Before college, I was (and am with my other kids) the mom who stayed up until my children are home safely. We live in an area with lots of snow and icy roads currently, and I can't fall asleep until I know everyone is safe. At college, I know my son had some very late nights (4 am-ish), and that is fine - he is an adult and can do what he wants - but in my mind, it is different when he is home and living with other people in the same space.

 

I have been sick this week with a bad cold, and my DH has a compromised immune system along with other health issues so he cannot stay up. Last night I asked my son to be home by 1 am, so I could get some sleep before needing to take the next 2 to their 7 am swim team practice. My son kind of balked at this and said I should just go to bed and he will be fine. But he knows I can't sleep until I know everyone is home. I am also a very light sleeper, so opening and closing the door, and walking through the house will definitely wake me.

 

Sorry for the long background, but here's the bottom line: do you set a curfew for your college-aged children when they're home, or just go to bed and figure they will be fine?

[The Girls' Mom]

Our 20 year old dd has a "curfew" of 11 or 12PM.  It is impossible for anyone to pull in our driveway or come in the door without our dog waking EVERYONE up.  Her dad is usually in bed by 10 or 11, and doesn't want to be jolted awake at 1AM by the dog, so we ask that she come home at a decent hour, or find a friend's couch to sleep on for the night.  (And to let us know if that is what she is doing) 

 

For us, it is just a curtesy extended to people you share a house with. 

[J-rap]

No, I don't set a curfew.  But, I tend to not worry either, so I can sleep.

 

If for some reason conditions (weather, etc.) are such that I am concerned, I might tell them to pop their head into my room when they're home, or send me a text.  :)  I will most likely be asleep, but if I wake up I can be assured that all is well.

[HomeAgain]

I'm not there yet so take this with a grain of salt:

I don't think the issue is "should my adult child have a curfew?" but "what are reasonable expectations of the household?", or something of the sort.  Because honestly, at this point it's not a child/adult relationship.  It's one of creating harmony with guest-family (which is a perfect way for children to learn *how* to be a guest).  The expectation of not having a house woken up is reasonable to ask of any person staying in my home.  So is a) having a way to contact them and b) knowing their plans, even in a vague manner (i.e.: I'm going across town to visit a friend. I'll be back around x p.m.).  It's basic safety.  Asking your adult child to consider the household is not an unreasonable request, imo.  Nor is asking him to extend his trip out to an overnighter if it will be a major inconvenience.

 

So yes, I do agree with you, but I would encourage reframing the thought so that it's something you would expect of anyone, not a child.

[Starr]

I make some adjustments but everyone needs enough sleep. I think 1:00 AM is generous. My dh sleeps soundly and I'm a late night person so I can make 1:00 work. You aren't the dorm/apartment. Even roommates interview for compatibility. My mom used to tell me that she wasn't worried about what I was doing but it all could be done the next day. haha

[Schadenfreude]

We have house rules that apply to everyone, including the parents. It's a respect thing not a control thing. Everyone has the contact information for each other's best friend, that way if something happens and you cannot be reached the info can still get to you in a timely manner. We know where each other are and when we will be home even if only vaguely. If things change we let someone know. We clean up after ourselves. The final rule is that the house has a closing time. Weekdays it's 10 and weekends it's 12. All guests will be gone and everyone home by these times. If you are not home you will be texted and reminded that you need to find a place to stay. As long as you frame your requirements as one of adults respecting each other instead of worried mom trying to control child it will be fine. This is a hard transition for you both. You need to make sure you set expectations up front so things don't become a power struggle.

[maize]

I think you can have house rules that need to be followed by whoever lives or visits in the house.

 

When your son is living in his own, he as an adult can make his own rules. In a dorm situation, he must adhere to dorm rules. In your home, he can adhere to your rules.

[OneStepAtATime]

I agree with upthread, rephrase this as a simply functionality of the home issue, not a parent/child dynamic.  He is an adult but he is an adult sharing space with multiple other people.  His coming in late is disruptive to the other adults and children living in the household.  If he were living there full-time then probably some other something would have to be done (because frankly telling another adult they can never stay out late seems unrealistic) but since this is temporary I think he should respect that his coming in late is disruptive.    

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Parenting young adults has been, to me, the most difficult of the parenting stages. I never know what is appropriate and it has lead to many sleepless nights.

[Kassia]

We struggled with this for a few years, but now I can sleep through my ds coming and going so it's not a problem anymore unless the weather is bad and I'm worried.  

[Charlie]

My oldest DS is home from his first semester of college, and as I like to tell him, I have never had a college-aged child before, so I am figuring this out as I go.

 

Our issue has been what time my son comes home at night. Before college, I was (and am with my other kids) the mom who stayed up until my children are home safely. We live in an area with lots of snow and icy roads currently, and I can't fall asleep until I know everyone is safe. At college, I know my son had some very late nights (4 am-ish), and that is fine - he is an adult and can do what he wants - but in my mind, it is different when he is home and living with other people in the same space.

 

I have been sick this week with a bad cold, and my DH has a compromised immune system along with other health issues so he cannot stay up. Last night I asked my son to be home by 1 am, so I could get some sleep before needing to take the next 2 to their 7 am swim team practice. My son kind of balked at this and said I should just go to bed and he will be fine. But he knows I can't sleep until I know everyone is home. I am also a very light sleeper, so opening and closing the door, and walking through the house will definitely wake me.

 

Sorry for the long background, but here's the bottom line: do you set a curfew for your college-aged children when they're home, or just go to bed and figure they will be fine?

 

With respect, I think your son is right. Your worry shouldn't be on him, much as I sympathize with it myself. If he's super quiet and still wakes you up, then you'll know that he's home and you can go back to sleep soundly. If he has a cell phone then you might find comfort in knowing he'll call if anything is wrong. No news is good news with kids this age.

[Ravin]

If this was your uncle or a sibling of yours who was staying with you, what would you consider reasonable house rules? What if it was your spouse who wanted to stay out late with some friends? That's what should apply for an adult child as well. He's your child and always will be but he's not a child any more, kwim?

 

At the same time, when you approach it with him, frame it as, "if you were staying at your Uncle Ted's house or grandma's house, or your girlfriend's or friend's parents house, or you had a roommate you knew was a very light sleeper, would you consider these house rules reasonable?

 

Part of it is learning to come and go quietly. This is a skill that took me literally YEARS of married life working different shifts to master.

 

There is a small portion of safety and courtesy in asking him to let you know he'll be out late or won't be home.

 

But you, yourself should consider changing your own habit of staying up waiting if you can. If you would do the same with your DH or another adult relative home, then that is one thing. If it's a "but this is my baby boy, I can't sleep unless all my kids are safely tucked in bed," it's time to work on your own thinking.

 

 

[TammyS]

We have house rules that I would expect any other adult living in MY home to follow.  We have made it very clear to our son that he doesn't have to like the rules, he only has to follow them.  If he doesn't want to follow the rules, then he needs to make other arrangements. 

 

Our family is an early to bed, early to rise family.  And there is no way to not be awakened at night when someone comes home.  It's only a 1400sqft ranch home with paneled walls.  You hear everything in this house.  My husband gets up for work at 5am.  I'm up at about the same, or 6 at the latest.  That means that people need to be in the house by 10pm on work days.  We let him know that he may not care to live this way, and we know that lots of people don't, but it's our house for our use first, his use 2nd. 

 

We also don't allow extreme late sleeping.  We'll try to let you sleep until about 8a, but we live here and are doing things in the morning, and if you're awakened before you want to be, that's too bad.  We aren't going to creep around the house trying to keep silence for you.  By 9a, I make him get up (though, actually, I hardly ever have to do this, because he's usually up), because I think it's respectful of all parties to both remain on roughly the same schedule (that is, not sleep all day and be up all night) and because I have no tolerance for grumpy people who are that way because they are tired as a result of not keeping reasonable hours.

 

As we explained to our son, when you are a guest in someone's home, you have a duty to conform as much as possible to their lifestyle, and be as unobtrusive as possible.

 

We also told him that if he didn't want to be treated as a child, that he shouldn't act like a child who needs to be told that you can't come and go from other people's homes at all hours.  Adults know this, without being told.

[PinkTulip]

Thanks so much to everyone who responded for your perspective. I just needed some feedback to see if I was being unreasonable or how others have handled this in their families (that whole first time in this situation thing). I think today, DS and I will go get a treat and talk about how we can both be respectful of each other's needs and come to a solution that works for both of us.

 

This parenting adults thing is a whole new world for me, and I really appreciate hearing from those who have / are navigating the same path. Thanks!

[Hoggirl]

I'm a bit late to this thread, but I will say, OP, that I got better at this as time went on. My ds is far away from home at school. As bad as this sounds, it's a bit, "out of sight, our of mind," when he is gone. We had to work through this issue his first Christmas break home, and it took awhile. He couldn't understand why I would be worried when he was home out and about but not when he was so far away. I explained that if he needed me while at school, I really couldn't do anything to help, but when he was home, if he needed me, I could get to him and help! Another issue was the fact that he didn't have a car at school his first two years at college, but then he would come home and be driving. I worried because I figured he was a bit out of practice and driving has inherent risks anyway. But, I was also one who couldn't sleep until he got in - at least early on. What we worked out was if he did not expect to be home by midnight, he was to text and let me know before then where he was and if and when he expected to be home. That seemed reasonable to him. And, he actually started coming home earlier after we implemented this. We don't have waking up issues in our home, though. He now has his car at school, so I had to get used to that which also took awhile. At least he isn't out of practice driving. I don't require that he text by midnight anymore when he is home with us and go to sleep just fine. But, it took awhile for me to get there, so I understand where you are coming from. Hope the treat and talk go well.

[regentrude]

I do not set a curfew for my college aged kid when she is home. I also do not set a curfew for my not college aged kids while they are still living at home (except for the driving curfew mandated by state law for new drivers).

 

In the beginning, I had a hard time going to sleep when a driving kid was not yet home. I forced myself to learn to go to sleep and not wait up.  DS drives to the city 100 miles away for training several nights a week and gets home very late, around midnight; I have to get up early and could not function if I stayed up until he's home. But I consider that my problem, not his. It would not be reasonable for me to tell him he could not do his sport or would have to find a place to sleep elsewhere on judo nights.

 

I do, however, expect them to enter the house as quietly as they can, so they don't wake anybody up.

 

 

Edited December 30, 2016 by regentrude

[regentrude]

As we explained to our son, when you are a guest in someone's home, you have a duty to conform as much as possible to their lifestyle, and be as unobtrusive as possible.

 

That is an interesting perspective. When I am hosting overnight guests, I do whatever I can to make them feel welcome and would not presume to wake a guest who I know to be a late sleeper, nor would I expect any overnight guest to conform to my schedule; as the hostess, I will try to conform to theirs, for example by staying up later than I normally would, or by serving meals at a time that is convenient for the guest rather than my regular time.

 

I don't consider an adult kid home on break to be a "guest", though.

Edited December 30, 2016 by regentrude

[PinkTulip]

Just a quick follow-up: DS and I agreed that he would text me at midnight to let me know where he was and how much longer he thought he would be. He did that last night, and ended up home around 12:45. As with most of us, he does better when he feels like things are his idea, rather than a rule he must follow. I felt better, too, after reading the posts here and realizing I needed to let go of some of my parent/child concerns and treat this more like a "two reasonable adults" situation. Thanks everyone!

[Kalypso]

This may not work for everyone, but my 2 college kids live at home. Their curfew is 1:00am - even the 21 yo. If they plan to stay out later than that they let me know ahead of time or text me by 1:00 to let me know. Amazingly, this has worked out well with both of them, and I'm getting sleep.

[StephanieZ]

We just had to deal with this!

 

We don't set curfews for our young adult kid(s), but we did have to make it clear that not having a curfew was dependent upon being able to come into the house so stealthily that no one else was woken up by their arrival . . .

 

This came up when my two dds were out contra dancing, and came in to the house like a herd of elephants at 5:30AM (yes, you read that right), waking up every other person in the house . . .

 

When they woke up that afternoon, we told them that not having a curfew was dependent upon not waking us up . . . The rest of the week (it's an old time dance week that runs for 5 nights btw Xmas and NYE, every year . . .), they managed to enter the house without waking anyone up. 

 

 

I think we're all in agreement now that a curfew will be imposed if a late-entry to the house wakes anyone else up . . .

 

One thing that makes me OK with not having a curfew is that all my kids are OK with keeping Find My Friends enabled on their iphones. So, if I wake up at 3AM and worry, I can quickly touch my phone and see that they are exactly where I hope/expect (a friend's, the event they were at, whatever . . . but not on a random road . . . where they could be in a ditch, lol.)

 

[Liza Q]

All of my kids have followed this "rule" without too much fuss: Just text me. I've asked them to tell me what time they expect to be home - no curfew, I just want to know. And I asked them to send a text if their plans change. Then I asked them to text me when they got home. That way, if I woke up during the night, I could check my phone. If they said they'd be home around 12 and it was 3, I'd go check their bed. The few times they had not texted, it was always because their phone had died...but most of the time the texts worked well. We are now expecting our 16yo to do this as he has just started staying out later in the evenings.

 

My older ones lived at home through college so checking in seemed reasonable - my husband and I do it too. And I decided that I was just going to have to learn to fall asleep even if one of them wasn't home - also reasonable.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Liza Q

[Gwen in VA]

We had our college graduate ds live with us for 2.5 years after college graduation. His living at home caused us some kerluffle, but we wanted him to stay at home so we chose to live with a bit of kerfluffle. Our younger dd lived at home her freshman year while she attended an almost 100% residential 4-year college down the street. She came home late occasionally, but we figured this was part of living with a young adult.

 

When they are tiny, they wake you up with their cries. When they are in their teens and 20's, they wake you up occasionally late at night. We prefer to tolerate a bit of inconvenience and treasure the fact that they enjoy being home. (I am currently up because my 21yo dd should arrive home soon and I want to spend a few minutes talking with her. If she were away at school, I'd probably be in bed, but I can think of few things I'd rather do than stay up a few minutes later so I can chat with her.)

 

Ultimately, in the long run, if your kids do not find your home a welcoming place they will not spend time there.

[FaithManor]

I think we emphasized courtesy and consideration a lot or something because we haven't had too much trouble. They seem to know they should help out where they can, be responsible with their messes, text if staying out really late, and be quiet coming in. If a young adult was not instinctively being considerate, then I would not have an issue discussing it in an adult manner. I would never dictate things like curfews and such to my adult kids. On the other hand, I would also respectully tell them if they are really disrupting the household and especially with their younger brother.

 

We had one very minor incident yesterday. Youngest ds started up with his homeschool work and Student Launch project. He was working diligently and his college brothers stikl on break were oblivious and noisy. I walked into the room and said, "Ahem!" When they looked up, I nodded at youngest and then said, "Someone is working very hard right now. I would imagine that you do not like it when others are raising a ruckus while you are studying." They profusely apologized andwent to eldest's bedroom to continue their entertainment. It worked out fine. That was it.

 

Mostly though we have been really relaxed this break just wanting to goof off with them and enjoy having the three musketeers back under one roof.