I have spent roughly 36 hours cooking, but there is nothing at home to eat.

[LisaKinVA]

It was a swim meet weekend.  I had 400 people to feed on Saturday and about 150 people on Sunday.  Since we're on a military base in Europe, our visiting teams are coming from Rota, Spain, Sigonella, Aviano & Vicenza Italy, Kaiserslautern, Germany and Brussels.  The kids travel with their families, and the base with the pool has as it's only lunch option the mini-mart (microwave meals) or Subway. People...they have to eat.  And, the team -- it needs money.

 

Adding to the number, we have our base's preventive medicine officer's very own special interpretation of the base regulations which roll fundraising events and concession stands for the school's teams into the same category as the hospital cafeteria  and the food court Taco Bell (wait, I take that back, we're held to a HIGHER standard...because I wouldn't make all the food at 10am and then just let it sit out for 8 hours -- no, I am not kidding -- man, KFC is so tasty after sitting in a warming drawer for 4+ hours).  

 

Imagine you've got to cook for a crowd -- even 25 people kids and adults -- but to do so, you have to cook in an approved kitchen.  And, you have to bring every piece of equipment with you.  Every knife, every cutting board, mixers, blenders, pots and pans, bakeware, cleaning supplies -- everything. Get the food prepped, then lug everything back home, get up the following morning and then lug it to the site you're serving.   And, you have to make sure it's all done, kept at the proper temp, cleaned up/put away, etc.  Exhausting.

 

Now, do it for 400 people, and have half the people you need not show up to help prep -- so instead of a 6 hour prep window, you spend 15 hours.  You get a grand total of 2 hours of sleep, because of it -- and then you show up at 0500 and the three things you asked for are not there:  3 tables, 2 easy-up tents and ICE.  So, instead of being able to manage concessions, you're desperately grabbing anyone -- even those who have never worked concessions -- and training as you go. Last minute tents finally arrive and you have to stop cooking to re-arrange all of the food service area, because it's threatening rain.  Someone felt your equipment was too much of a hassle, so they threw it out (!?!), but they call you multiple times to ask and argue about plastic table cloths (which we have never used in 4+ years).  Meanwhile, helpful "busybodies" are blowing circuits, because the site is finicky, or people show up to "help" and start telling the people you've trained/instructed to do things differently, causing you to run out of certain foods.  You ask two people to please purchase X and Y (because they are popular items, and we are out), and they who are not in charge want to argue with you (why do you need 18 more 2-liter bottles of water?? they ask -- because, if you want coffee and rice tomorrow and you don't get it -- YOU will be the ones opening the 1 pint bottles to make 200 cups of coffee and 30 cups of hot water).

 

Are we having fun yet?

 

But yes, the food was very good.  And the accolades are nice.  However, if anyone is wondering why I was locked in a bathroom stall crying yesterday afternoon, you should now understand.

 

 

 

 

[Lilaclady]

Oh wow. ((((Hugs))))). Hope the swim team is able to raise enough money to make all the work at least worth it.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[Ausmumof3]

Oh wow! That is a huge effort. I'm sorry some people were unappreciative.

[LisaKinVA]

Oh wow! That is a huge effort. I'm sorry some people were unappreciative.

 

I honestly don't think people are unappreciative.  It's more "Little Red Hen" syndrome.  Everyone wants the food, everyone likes the money, but no one wants to sign up to help do what is necessary to get there.

 

This time, though -- I broke.

 

I've been crying off and on for 3 days.  I start to relax, and I just cry.  I have to busy myself with something -- because I can feel the shaking sobs coming.  I'm not talking teary-eyed crying -- but the kind of shattered soul crying that nears uncontrollable.  It's a weeks worth of exhaustion, frustration, and anger trying to get out.  But, I have to try to remain calm and control, and be a good hostess to all of the visiting teams who are there. There is no release, until the end of the day.

 

Yes. I signed up to lead concessions.  Yes. I planned the menu.  BUT, I told them in order to do the food for this many people I absolutely needed a certain number of hands to help.  I was assured they would be there.  I communicated what was needed (equipment-wise) verbally -- and in writing -- on three separate occasions, and I was assured it would be taken care of.  And, when I asked for people to step up and help get things from point A to point B -- I was ignored by all but the two individuals who stayed in the trenches with me through it all.  If they hadn't have been there, there would have been no way I could have gotten all the food home for the night, let alone the food, equipment and my kids to the meet itself.

 

I'm just not sure how I could have been more clear about what needed to happen.

 

I am beginning to feel like these people (I'm mostly referring to several of the board members) are simply willfully negligent.  I know they can't be considered ignorant -- because it has been explained on multiple occasions.  I get the nodding heads, we'll take care of it, and no-problem lady replies -- all followed up with complete inaction.

 

Of course, in the middle of everything, these people all have plenty to say and do to tell me how to do the job they couldn't be bothered with prior.

 

Today, the meet had literally just started, and the treasurer came up to me to ask if we should put the food on sale 50% off.  I explained that "No, it will go on sale 10 minutes into the 1st heat of the 1500." At which point, I get push back from both the treasurer and the meet announcer (mind you, at this point, I'm actually working on my head official and starter training -- as concessions is working as a smoothly as anyone could wish!).   I excuse myself and go to the treasure and meet announcer (seriously, the meet announcer wants to argue about it?) with the meet schedule and explain the timeline and justify the decision.  Their argument? But no one is eating right now!   To which I reply -- "of course not, half the kids are getting ready to swim the 800, they will eat after they are done.  Everyone else just had breakfast, and won't eat again until after the 400s during the break. The food will go on-sale after we start the 1500s, during the last 2 hours of the meet."  They relented, and everyone went back to their jobs.  

 

I had made a shopping plan -- which included the treasurer shopping with me, so she could pay for the food.  I made the initial plans 2 weeks ago, and followed up this week.  She didn't show up to shop, but after I called her came over to pay. As I stood there (having taken two people away from prep to come shop), she looks at the food we need for the following morning/afternoon and says, "what do we absolutely need today?"  I just kind of stared at her like this :huh:

 

Apparently, there is a limit on the treasurer's team card (didn't have one last year). She expected ME to personally pay for the food (FWIW, we already spent $800 on food).  Apparently, that is what the new board wants to do when the team needs stuff -- pay for it with personal funds and then get reimbursed -- we're talking 550 servings of food for breakfast and lunch and snacks and drinks, plus the food for the fundraiser in 3 days -- another 400 servings -- from my personal funds .   :confused1:

 

So, I was tired, stressed out, and these people would keep arguing with me about things I needed.  The base with the pool has a mini-mart.  Occasionally, it has things like eggs, or ice, or butter.  I have made the mistake before - assuming that because I've purchased X there before, they would have it when I needed it.  The ice is a big deal with an 0500 set-up, and people showing up at 0630 wanting coffee, getting food into ice baths, coolers filled with food and drinks needing ice to keep it cold -- and there not being any ice.  Instead of ensuring there was ice (like I asked and reminded them of on Friday afternoon), these people decide to ignore me and plan to buy the ice at the mini-mart (I guess I should also note that here in Italy, you just don't go to any old store and pick up bags of ice. Many hotels don't have ice machines on every other floor, or even a single floor, either).

 

I show up to no ice.  Mini mart is closed until 0630. It opens,and shocker--they don't have any.  2 guys go to the Navy Lodge to get some from their ice machine.  We clean them out with about 4 bags worth.  Eventually, after 1000, I'm able to have someone come from the other base with 10 bags.  

 

Yes, willful negligence.  Being told what needs to happen, and ignoring your "experts" anyway.  

 

Do I sound ungrateful?  Having been singled out by the Admiral and the Base CO for specific praise to everyone at the meet?   Yes, I know my husband (and kids -- although I kept my kids pretty much out of it this time) do a really good job with food.  Yes. I enjoy it when people love what I make and do.  But, I'm not sure I can do this again.  

 

Maybe I should put out the planned menu for the January Meet as "pre-ordered box lunch from Subway" with "all day rice, water, and coffee" and call it good.  Hey -- my job is to simply make sure food is available.  I did say that without help on prep and on service, I couldn't do much more.  Although, I may relent and at least serve my baked Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal.  

 

Yes, I'm supposed to be sleeping.  I want to sleep.  But as soon as I relax, I start crying.  I guess I could go to the basement and let the cries out.  At least then I wouldn't wake anyone.

 

The is a mighty long venting post.  I may get over it all, but I'm really not sure. How does one fight "Little Red Hen Syndrome" without coming off as petty and selfish?

[JFSinIL]

This is when I would tell folks to lug in their own sandwiches in insulated backpacks for future and be done with it. 

[Happy]

A time or two I've run into similar situations in either church or as host for a writer's conference. People want it done--but they want it done by magic, I guess.

 

These people were clueless and rude.

 

It's time for everyone to pack their own food.

 

 

[Garga]

Go into the basement and cry a lot.  It really does help.  Let the pent up feelings/chemicals OUT.  

 

And then refuse to do that again.  And you do have the right to be miffed.  You told them what the job demanded and they ignored you.  Either don't do it ever again or change things up so you're in more control.  

 

I personally wouldn't do it again.  And I wouldn't feel a moment of regret about it either.  I am not the doormat type of person, though I am nice and kind to people.  But not a doormat.

[Lisa R.]

I honestly don't think people are unappreciative.  It's more "Little Red Hen" syndrome.  Everyone wants the food, everyone likes the money, but no one wants to sign up to help do what is necessary to get there.

 

 

 

Almost every organization has 10 percent of the people doing 90 percent of the work. Yours seems no different, unfortunately.

 

I was with a group that needed to do fundraising. They put on a dance and invited area homeschoolers. This raised significant amounts of money that went towards the once yearly out-of-town trip.

 

The way funds were distributed is that each person wrote down how much time they volunteered in the log book as they went. Then the proceeds were distributed according to how many hours each person worked. 

 

Some people have more money than time, and they volunteered little and paid most of the trip themselves. This was fair. Some people couldn't afford to pay much for the trip and volunteered themselves and other members of the family. 

 

Could you move towards a system like this? You seem to care much more than others in the group, yet you're all receiving the same benefit. You're being taken advantage of. Since you seem to be the main organizer, can you reorganize the distribution of proceeds, too? Really, it's hard to argue with the proceed/hours worked=money earned towards trip. 

 

If you weren't busy homeschooing and raising thousands through your fundraising efforts, you'd probably be running a company. You really seem to "get" providing a service people want and turning it into $$$$.

 

Please take care of yourself as you recover from this.

[Guest]

I'd be exhausted and angry as well! Then I'd never do it again. We have been burned in some larger events with this sort of thing and I just discovered I cannot handle it and not want to hurt someone, so if nobody will help or be a help then we all get to starve. Hmph!

[Anne in CA]

That would drive me nuts too. I have had smaller similar experiences working with volunteers, but this was HUGE. I've never done an event like this for more than 200 people and while I have had misunderstandings and a few people who don't do what they said, mostly someone always steps up. This would really not be cool. I wouldn't do it again. 

[Anne]

Lisa,

 

I am one of the "organizers" in my circle - I have put together many events, big and small, with varying degrees of assistance. I can always count on people to fail to bring what was promised, fail to show up, etc. We who organize expect this. But, Lisa - what you're describing sounds WAY WAY above and beyond the norm - that was HORRIBLE!

 

I would not do this event again. And I wouldn't hesitate to state my reasons. And I would not allow myself to be begged into capitulating and do it again. You were hugely taken advantage of. I don't care how much "the team" needs money - apparently you (and your three workers) were the only ones who were willing to take action. I say you've paid your volunteer dues for this team for the next ten years or so. It's someone else's turn.

 

Anne

[prairiewindmomma]

Time to walk away, Lisa. This is the 3rd or 4th time that this has happened. It's clear that no one is going to step up and help. It sounds like your adrenals are crashing for you to have this type of physical response. It's not worth it.  People can order a boxed lunch from Subway or bring their own food.

[LisaKinVA]

Well, the fits of uncontrollable sobbing have spurred my children to action.  I don't think they have ever worked so quickly and cooperatively to clean up the kitchen with barely a whisper from me.  I am currently working on my letter.  I don't want to finger-point -- but at the same time, I'm afraid I'll come off as passive-aggressive.

 

Sections:

 

1) Thank those who did show up and step in.

 

2) Apologies for things that I could have done better, such as have more prep items ready at 1000, instead of having to shop for all of them (I meant that as a time-saving step for the treasurer, but I would have been much better off splitting it up a bit more.  Of course, I don't know how I would have gotten everything for prep to the kitchen from my house...)

 

3) Apologies for creating a menu which required more preparations and service which are necessary to meet standards by PrevMed, than the team could reasonably support.  

 

4) Changes planned for January so this won't happen again

 

5) Thank again, and sign off.

 

Thoughts?

[LisaKinVA]

Time to walk away, Lisa. This is the 3rd or 4th time that this has happened. It's clear that no one is going to step up and help. It sounds like your adrenals are crashing for you to have this type of physical response. It's not worth it.  People can order a boxed lunch from Subway or bring their own food.

 

I think you may be right on the adrenal thing.  Making modifications, so that it will just be a very limited menu that can be supported by 2 people serving, 1 person "cooking", and of course the 2 cashiers.

[Ausmumof3]

Ummm wow!!! I know there are always people that are a bit flakey with organisation but that just sounds way above and beyond anything! I think you are 100pc justified in never doing it again. I also think your proposed letter sounds a little too polite. Make sure it's firm enough and dont apologise. Why should you be apologising for putting in a huge effort when you aren't even getting what you stated from the outset that you needed to pull it off? dont be too nice about this

 

And afterwards I hope you have a chance to do some serious r&r as you sound like you really really need a break!

[LisaKinVA]

Yeah, while I want to rip people's heads off -- my kids are still on the team, and I still have to "live" with the team for awhile.  I can't just say whatever and leave.  

 

I also have to recognize my part in this.  Ultimately, I'm responsible for the menu.  I planned a menu that expected a certain amount of help (which I was told would happen, but didn't).  Ultimately, the failed plan is mine to own.  Yes, I had a lot of help (by way of inaction) which caused the prep to take 15 hours (9 hours longer than planned), and that made Saturday so incredibly stressful.  It does me no good to point out obvious things that other people didn't do.  If I can expect a sum total of 6 people to help prepare food prior to the meet, and 4 people to cook, serve and cashier during the meet, my plans need to reflect that reality.  I didn't do that.  I planned based upon false assurances -- which I truly had zero reason to believe would play out.  Everyone who pitched in gave a great effort, but I planned too much for the number of people I could actually count upon.

 

Plenty of people know that I didn't get home until midnight, that my kids and husband got up out of bed to help me unload my car, that I had to get up at 3am to get things packed back up and kids up at 4am to get everything to the gym for set-up.  Plenty of the "right" people know that I asked for 3 things to be done for concessions set up that were completely blown off.  Most do not know about the break downs I've had over the past 4 days from it all. Although, I have a feeling, now that my kids have witnessed this for the first time, the older kids and their families will know.

 

I will follow through with the bare minimum necessary to fulfill the commitment in a way that meets the needs -- but will not be as profitable.  But, I will no longer plan more than what I know we have the actual support to handle.  I will not rely on promises from the board to get things done. And, I will bide my time until I am hopefully on the new board in March.

 

Issues begin and end with the board.  I can complain about team families not stepping up a bit more -- but honestly, the board president sets the tone and is the driving force.  Our current president wants to be liked more than she wants to make sure things happen.  She needs to be a bit more forceful on issues, but instead it's all glitter and rainbows.  She wanted the title -- but doesn't want to do the work.  The board does not communicate with each other on the tasks they are actually supposed to DO.  

 

Last year's board was not perfect. But, we weren't waiting until the night before a meet to talk about set-up --and when I needed ice for concessions, or tents and tables, the President didn't ask why, or wait until 0900 the morning of the meet (set up was 0500) to scrounge together tents, tables and ice -- they were there at 0500.  The board asked me what I needed to run concessions and it was done.  

 

My letter is going to the board and the families.  I will probably take the day off and send the kids to the library to attend the next board meeting to have a more frank discussion.  But I need people to understand (at least a baseline) why concessions are changing for January, without feeling like I'm blaming them.  Everyone I asked for help on Saturday or Sunday jumped in, without question.  To me, that says they have a lack of understanding of what I really need, because it's not coming across loudly enough -- not a complete lack of willingness.  And the President, like I mentioned, doesn't want to flood people with emails, or have parent meetings, or put out too many notices...because people don't like them.  As well as the perception that I'll just make it work.  

 

So, I'm ending the perception that I'll just make it work.  Recognizing my limits, apologizing for not recognizing the limited resources of the team this past weekend -- and calling it good.

 

I'm sorry if I'm rambling.  I'm truly utterly exhausted.  I need to go run some more laundry, and take a shower.  I expect I'll be crying again before I have to leave (crying this hard is exhausting), so I need to get some things done while I still can.

 

 

 

[LisaKinVA]

Quoted from above:  I'm sorry if I'm rambling.  I'm truly utterly exhausted.  I need to go run some more laundry, and take a shower.  I expect I'll be crying again before I have to leave (crying this hard is exhausting), so I need to get some things done while I still can.

 

 

Addendum -- apparently, I can do neither of those things, because we have no water.

[LisaKinVA]

Lisa,

 

I am one of the "organizers" in my circle - I have put together many events, big and small, with varying degrees of assistance. I can always count on people to fail to bring what was promised, fail to show up, etc. We who organize expect this. But, Lisa - what you're describing sounds WAY WAY above and beyond the norm - that was HORRIBLE!

 

I would not do this event again. And I wouldn't hesitate to state my reasons. And I would not allow myself to be begged into capitulating and do it again. You were hugely taken advantage of. I don't care how much "the team" needs money - apparently you (and your three workers) were the only ones who were willing to take action. I say you've paid your volunteer dues for this team for the next ten years or so. It's someone else's turn.

 

Anne

 

Yes, it was way, way beyond expectations.

 

I was told in no uncertain terms that 6 additional people would be there to prep.  I said thank you, I really need the help (board members).  They didn't show.  I was asked and replied multiple times with a list of things I needed at the meet, told no problem -- and they weren't there.  I stopped asking people to bring food, because they would forget -- and I'd be missing some crucial item (have everything for breakfast burritos EXCEPT the tortillas).  Yeah, I know the drill.  We plan around certain things, have plan "B's" in place -- but yes, it exceeded normal run-of-the mill problems. 

 

My concern was LESS for our team members (who have access to food, can bring their own, etc), and more for the 150-200 people who spent as much as 16 hours on planes to get here, and were stuck on a base without access to anything for breakfast, or any way to just really "grab something" to eat.  Lunch break is 30 minutes, and one microwave and the Subway's one weekend employee would have left all of our guests in the lurch.

 

My plans for January --since it's really just a home team meet, with a scant number of people coming from Sigonella -- will mostly rely on a bunch of basic Subway Sandwiches pre-ordered.  I may fill in with some simple foods (a Japanese/Korean BBQ, and rice), but I've taken some favorites off the menu, because they are too labor intensive for a crew of 4.

[Lawana]

Lisa, you have done a superhuman thing. I am completely amazed at your ability to at this point think rationally about the whole situation. I would be a puddle of goo on the floor without any brain cells.

 

What's up with the water?!

[Garga]

Is the letter being sent to say thank you to the participants and also to tell them about January's plan? Are people expecting some sort of apology from you? Are you in trouble for something? Are they upset with you?

 

If no one is actively upset with you, that you know of, then don't apologize. Is anyone else apologizing? So you might have made too ambitious of a menu, but your plan would have worked if people followed through. I'd say that if they don't apologize, then you don't either. There's no reason to cast blame on anyone at this point, not publicly anyway.

 

I would send the letter with a big thank you to the ones who tried to help. I might send the info about January in the same letter, but actually, I'd probably wait for things to fade into memory for 2 weeks and then send a second letter with information about how January will be handled.

 

The apology idea sounds wrong to me. It doesn't sit right with me. You don't need to be prideful and refuse to apologize, but you also don't need to be a martyr and take the blame for things you didn't do. That smacks of low self-esteem. You were asked to do a job, you told them what was needed, they said they'd get it and didn't, and you suffered the consequences. Done. No need to apologize for anything.

 

Thank the helpers, and be done with it.

[Happy]

Well, the fits of uncontrollable sobbing have spurred my children to action.  I don't think they have ever worked so quickly and cooperatively to clean up the kitchen with barely a whisper from me.  I am currently working on my letter.  I don't want to finger-point -- but at the same time, I'm afraid I'll come off as passive-aggressive.

 

Sections:

 

1) Thank those who did show up and step in.

 

2) Apologies for things that I could have done better, such as have more prep items ready at 1000, instead of having to shop for all of them (I meant that as a time-saving step for the treasurer, but I would have been much better off splitting it up a bit more.  Of course, I don't know how I would have gotten everything for prep to the kitchen from my house...)

 

3) Apologies for creating a menu which required more preparations and service which are necessary to meet standards by PrevMed, than the team could reasonably support.  

 

4) Changes planned for January so this won't happen again

 

5) Thank again, and sign off.

 

Thoughts?

I think you are apologizing for far too much in this letter.

 

I'd thank everyone who helped--name them and what they did. Include your kids, as well, if they pitched in.

 

In a separate letter, I'd love to ask specific people what the heck happened and why they didn't show. That's too snarky for a letter. Maybe call each one and ask for their excuses. I'd like to pin them like a nasty bug on a board.

 

Rave about who did show up and help, rave about the money raised. If someone complains about anything, resist the urge to annihilate them and then you can talk about how it would have worked if people had done as you asked.

 

Do not apologize.

 

 

 

 

[TechWife]

The apology idea sounds wrong to me. It doesn't sit right with me. You don't need to be prideful and refuse to apologize, but you also don't need to be a martyr and take the blame for things you didn't do. That smacks of low self-esteem. You were asked to do a job, you told them what was needed, they said they'd get it and didn't, and you suffered the consequences. Done. No need to apologize for anything.

 

Thank the helpers, and be done with it.

 

This, exactly. As far as I can tell, you have done nothing for which you need to apologize. If anything you should send a letter detailing each of the requests you made, the responses you received and then the details of what actually happened. That way, they will know who fell down on the job, and it wasn't you! 

[Valley Girl]

Lisa, you sound like one of those wonderful, caring, eminently capable people. (I'm jealous of your ability to pull these events together.) I'm saying this next thing gently: you have been taken advantage of for a long time by people in the different organizations to which you/your kids belong. I remember some of those posts. Fact is, people flake on a pretty consistent basis. For your own sanity, maybe it's time to let the responsibility fall on other shoulders completely for a time at least. Volunteer a few hours on the day of, but let other people see what it's like to carry the load. I feel so bad for you that this happened after all your efforts. Sometimes other people need a hard lesson before they step up. They won't do that if they know they can count on you to put the kids first and pull the event out of the toilet. I hope you're feeling better.

[Mabelen]

This, exactly. As far as I can tell, you have done nothing for which you need to apologize. If anything you should send a letter detailing each of the requests you made, the responses you received and then the details of what actually happened. That way, they will know who fell down on the job, and it wasn't you!

This is exactly what I would do too. Then I would also calmly state what to expect from January on, it is a logic consequence of the events. This way, you are not blaming or singling out anyone, but everybody gets to see the whole picture. I would not apologize. You did nothing wrong. You are the person who should be receiving apologies!

[Lady Marmalade]

I agree with others.  Do not apologize!

 

I would call out those who genuinely helped you by name.

 

I would NOT mention changes to January, because then you're going to be getting all those busybodies telling you how January should go, even though you did not solicit for input.

 

Honestly, I might also finagle a way to get those who actually helped to get together for drinks or coffee.  Then be passive-aggressive with sharing a picture or two of the volunteer gang being rewarded for a hard day's work. 

 

I would love to know your menu if you felt like sharing.  :)  

[Bambam]

I feel for you. I've learned that several say they will help, but when the time arrives, they will melt away. There are a few who will always help, but they are few and the work is mighty.

So, I remember my dad's advice "Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed." Sad, but sometimes I think it is unfortunately true.

 

And because I've been burned several times and left to do pretty everything by myself, I decided we wouldn't have the 'normal' teen Christmas party. Yes, not going to do it. I'm not interested in planning, preparing, convincing others to help, arriving early to decorate/arrange/setup, staying late to clean up. Nope - this year - local restaurant's room that they rent. Everyone orders their own food, we get a private room. Decor? Come on, nope. I don't think the kids pay any attention to it either, so just no. I will have a special treat (easy, self-serve) but I think that is my limit.

 

I'm sorry more people didn't step up to help. I think finding something that is easier on you - because you will be doing the majority of the work - is best. So what is if isn't as profitable? Tough. Your health and happiness and stress-level and sleep hours are important too. Simple can be good too!

[Faithful_Steward]

I don't think you should apologize, either. But gently, it is possible that other people don't want to participate in the crazy. If I were one of the swim moms, I wouldnt want to participate in something that was going to stress my family out and take the focus off of what it should be on.( Of course, I would never sign up to help and then no-show, either.) Is it possible that other parents suggested an eSier option along the way, or even expressed a lack of interest in this fundraiser, and they were shut down? I suspect there is more going on here than you realize.

[EmseB]

Apologizing at this point simply sounds passive-aggressive.  Don't do it.  You have nothing to apologize for.

 

If it were me, I'd write a letter to the board outlining what I asked for, what was promised, and what failed to happen and the burdens placed on me as a result.  And then I'd step down from my position because of the stress that I am no longer able to handle.

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

Is the letter being sent to say thank you to the participants and also to tell them about January's plan? Are people expecting some sort of apology from you? Are you in trouble for something? Are they upset with you?

 

If no one is actively upset with you, that you know of, then don't apologize. Is anyone else apologizing? So you might have made too ambitious of a menu, but your plan would have worked if people followed through. I'd say that if they don't apologize, then you don't either. There's no reason to cast blame on anyone at this point, not publicly anyway.

 

I would send the letter with a big thank you to the ones who tried to help. I might send the info about January in the same letter, but actually, I'd probably wait for things to fade into memory for 2 weeks and then send a second letter with information about how January will be handled.

 

The apology idea sounds wrong to me. It doesn't sit right with me. You don't need to be prideful and refuse to apologize, but you also don't need to be a martyr and take the blame for things you didn't do. That smacks of low self-esteem. You were asked to do a job, you told them what was needed, they said they'd get it and didn't, and you suffered the consequences. Done. No need to apologize for anything.

 

Thank the helpers, and be done with it.

 

YES. This.

 

I have run lotsa big things in my time in church, for 4-H, for clubs. Often I have been in the director position managing the whole shebang. I really do understand the dynamics both of running big things and also the dynamics of dealing with dysfunctional leadership.

 

Do not apologize for THEIR failures. Do not apologize. You are being way too nice, and they will not hear that they did anything wrong or unhelpful.

 

You do not have to ream anyone or be snarky. But don't apologize.

 

THANK the awesome people.

 

Make a dispassionate list of promises given that were not followed up on. You can list the facts in a matter-of-fact way.

 

Don't apologize and don't over-explain.

 

:grouphug:

[Anne]

Whatever you do, don't apologize.

 

Anne

[wendy not in HI]

That sounds like such a frustrating weekend.  I am so impressed by what you have pulled off.  I have had the same sort of thing happen to me. I think I am one of those people who can't get good help, maybe I have a certain look on my face?

 

For 3 years, I ran a week long camp for girls. I planned for months to make it happen.  I had meetings with a great board of people.  And still, things didn't happen and I was left doing everything myself. The delegated things end up being done half@s$ed (I particularly remember a t-shirt disaster - she went with convict-orange and an iron-on design.  The seriously ugly shirts cost more than any shirt I had done through a print shop that looked so much better, and the iron-on designs peeled off after the first wash.)  

 

I'm not sure why that kind of thing always happens to me.  One year I asked for tear-down help through the board, someone else said they would arrange the help.  Two men showed up.  Both were about my height (5'2").  Neither one realized what they were there for (they thought they were just there to supervise).  I mostly did it myself while they just kind of clucked and folded stuff. Grrrrr!  

 

The worst part is the crying.  I'm not a cryer, but I have cried tears of exhaustion and frustration after camp.  (((hugs)))

 

The girl who took over camp the next year had an enormous amount of help.  The teardown crew was amazing - it was like a big top circus tear down crew.  She seemed to really inspire people to take ownership and help.  People seemed to want to help just to impress her.  For some reason I am unable to do that.  Am I too controlling?  Should I take care to look more fragile? wear higher heels? just not care??  

 

I am once again on a board working on a large project. I started by just answering emails, and over the last year the other help just just kind of faded away.  I have been picking up the pieces but now I'm at the point of drowning, and it seems like I'm the only person doing anything.  Those people who have been less then helpful have a way of stepping in and giving "helpful advice" that is actually rather hurtful, but they still don't step in to do their assignments.

 

I find things can work if I have a good friend on the crew that I know I can count on.  Working with even just one person you can trust can make all the difference.  I have a feeling you will not be able to step down.  You are the kind of person who cannot sit back and not help, and I know just how you feel.  I hope you are able to find a sidekick before January.  Good luck and hugs to you!!  You are wonder woman!!

[Garga]

I wanted to point out, don't apologize hoping that will make them feel a stab of guilt or even just compassion.  They won't write back, "Oh, and we're sorry for X, too!"  They won't.  They'll just stay quiet about it and then figure, "Huh.  I guess it was Lisa's fault that things didn't go smoothly after all.  I mean, look--she apologized.  Huh.  Guess I'm off the hook!"

 

 

[Anne in CA]

I am another vote for not apologizing about a darn thing. There is NO reason to say you are sorry for believing people would do what they SAID they would do. I do understand that you may have had history that you could have "read" better so that you didn't depend on those people, but their deceit is simply not your fault. And if you do apologize for anything these people WILL use it against you when you run for the board later.

[LisaKinVA]

Got it (and upon further reflection, you all are absolutely correct, I have nothing really to apologize for -- I sat down with my "key" crew, and did apologize for not better planning the shopping, to allow more to prep -- but that's a lesson learned, too).

 

I will be letting everyone know that their favorite chicken will be off the menu, because it's just too much work to make it happen.  We will also probably offer a pre-paid box lunch from Subway.  

 

I'm gradually getting better.  Still a bit too weepy-eyed at moments, but a lot closer to "normal." Tomorrow is my final event for 8 weeks.  I have already informed both the President and the Fundraising chair that my family will not be doing any fundraising or food for the next 8 weeks.  Beyond taking a few meetings and paperwork for future plans, I'm off.  Going to plan my trip to Venice, get my house in order, focus on the kids' school and swim training, and watch movies until my brain melts ;)  And sleep...lots of sleep.

 

[LisaKinVA]

That sounds like such a frustrating weekend.  I am so impressed by what you have pulled off.  I have had the same sort of thing happen to me. I think I am one of those people who can't get good help, maybe I have a certain look on my face?

 

For 3 years, I ran a week long camp for girls. I planned for months to make it happen.  I had meetings with a great board of people.  And still, things didn't happen and I was left doing everything myself. The delegated things end up being done [email protected]<script data-cfhash='f9e31' type="text/javascript">/* */</script>$ed (I particularly remember a t-shirt disaster - she went with convict-orange and an iron-on design.  The seriously ugly shirts cost more than any shirt I had done through a print shop that looked so much better, and the iron-on designs peeled off after the first wash.)  

 

I'm not sure why that kind of thing always happens to me.  One year I asked for tear-down help through the board, someone else said they would arrange the help.  Two men showed up.  Both were about my height (5'2").  Neither one realized what they were there for (they thought they were just there to supervise).  I mostly did it myself while they just kind of clucked and folded stuff. Grrrrr!  

 

The worst part is the crying.  I'm not a cryer, but I have cried tears of exhaustion and frustration after camp.  (((hugs)))

 

The girl who took over camp the next year had an enormous amount of help.  The teardown crew was amazing - it was like a big top circus tear down crew.  She seemed to really inspire people to take ownership and help.  People seemed to want to help just to impress her.  For some reason I am unable to do that.  Am I too controlling?  Should I take care to look more fragile? wear higher heels? just not care??  

 

I am once again on a board working on a large project. I started by just answering emails, and over the last year the other help just just kind of faded away.  I have been picking up the pieces but now I'm at the point of drowning, and it seems like I'm the only person doing anything.  Those people who have been less then helpful have a way of stepping in and giving "helpful advice" that is actually rather hurtful, but they still don't step in to do their assignments.

 

I find things can work if I have a good friend on the crew that I know I can count on.  Working with even just one person you can trust can make all the difference.  I have a feeling you will not be able to step down.  You are the kind of person who cannot sit back and not help, and I know just how you feel.  I hope you are able to find a sidekick before January.  Good luck and hugs to you!!  You are wonder woman!!

Oh dear!   I'm so sorry.  Completely understand the not being a crier -- but right now, every little thing brings me to tears.  Around here, things are mostly seasonal.  Every year there is some huge turnover -- you never quite know what you're going to get.  Families can't take a year and just hang back, we have to get them involved quickly. Which means spending more time up front mentoring, talking to them and figuring out who can be counted upon and who you can't.

 

But, I know back home we went through various issues, too (with our Hartwood Days event).  Initially, it was mostly a community fair with some Scout Merit Badge work.  It became a pretty big event.  But then, the church hosting the event wanted to do all of the food (so community/scout groups couldn't raise money), and then, other people who owned the empty lot we wanted to use for parking wanted to do another aspect (which was also a fundraiser), and soon, the only thing the scout groups could do (you know, the people running it), was plan the event. So, support disappeared. 

 

My biggest issue is actually the regulations by PrevMed.  If I could just do things the way we do them at every other swim meet (both overseas and in the states), half of my problems would disappear.

 

Here's the ridiculousness -- Soft Pretzels.

 

If I purchase them from the commissary, I have to reserve an approved kitchen, and have a certified food handler wrap them individually -- OR -- I have to have a certified food handler assigned to serve them.  But, if I make the pretzels myself, since they are a baked item and not a potentially hazardous food, I can make them at home and wrap them myself.  

 

I do feel your pain -- and at some point, we do have to say Uncle and let things go.  Even though my chicken sells out (400 servings in 2.5 hours), and is a huge profit maker -- I'm not doing it in July, because I need 3 people just on chicken to keep up with demand.  I don't have those three people.  People are going to miss it, but without the help, I'm not doing this again.  

[Rebel Yell]

Hoping you're rested and recovering!

 

Agreeing that if you do this in the future, simplify the menu. Give the Subway advance notice to have extra staff, or preorder sandwiches from them in addition to what your group offers.

[momto3innc]

So sorry that was so exhausting.  You certainly worked hard!!!

 

To give a different perspective.  My kids have been/are in all sorts of activities.  I hate fundraising with a deep, dark passion.  Hate it.  When possible, I do whatever the buy out is to not participate.  

 

When I can't, I do participate and do my part, but I want it as simple as possible.  Life is busy.  I just don't have it in me to give huge amounts of time to one activity.  We have 3 kids, each in a couple things.  No way I can do anything like you've described for one of those activities.  So when I can't buy out the fund raiser, I am looking simple.  If I heard what you were planning, I would, honestly, be frustrated to have to join in to something I would never ever choose.  Not because it's not great.  It's just totally too much for me.  I appreciate the people like you that want to do these large, amazing things.  I just simply want utterly nothing to do with them.  I want to pack a bunch of food, bring it, and enjoy the day with my family at the event after having paid what I needed to. And all the friends I have in all the different activities are all the same.  

 

Now, I wouldn't sign up and then not show up but I would do all in my power to never sign up for something like that.   So you may want to just consider that others in these events could feel the same as me and be desperately wishing for a simple basic low key thing to do.  Like....lots of bottled waters and gatorade in coolers.  Pizza sold by the slice.  Just buying from Subway and adding chips and drinks.  

 

Again, you've done great.  Just a different perspective.