Rude or acceptable?

[SKL]

Really, I think we're being a bit melodramatic.  Were those boys crucial to the birthday party in any way?  Did their RSVPing / canceling put out the birthday girl or the party thrower in any serious way?  Would a "maybe" RSVP have really changed anything?  Would you really prefer that they skip the ball game, or RSVP "no" to every birthday party for the rest of their lives because they play ball?

 

How would those boys' moms feel if they happened across this thread?

Edited October 14, 2016 by SKL

[Mimm]

Well, I think it's rude, unless their RSVP specifically mentioned something to the effect "we can't wait to celebrate but FYI in case a game gets rescheduled last minute we may have to miss it, you know how it is"...

 

This made me laugh. I would think that a RSVP yes would be understood to be conditional. As in, "yes, we plan to attend unless something changes and we'll let you know." Obviously there are good reasons and bad reasons to cancel but a yes to a kid's birthday party isn't some kind of eternally binding contract. Maybe next time I'll RSVP, "Yes, unless a game gets rescheduled, or our car breaks down, or we get in an accident on the way to the party, or we have a family emergency, or we wake up with a stomach flu that morning, or we get lost and can't find the party location and for some reason our gps stops working... but otherwise, yes, we'll totally be there." ;)

[rmtzc2009]

Not rude at all. They couldn't have anticipated a game being rescheduled. Three kids from the same team, they'd most likely have to forfeit the game. A LOT goes into game scheduling, including field availability and ref availability as well as both teams schedules.

[Selkie]

Not rude.  Since the boys are on the team, they are obligated to be at the game.

[heartlikealion]

This is the way I see it. They made a commitment to their team when they joined. That was sorta a season long commitment vs. the birthday party commitment that came second. So they are trying to uphold their original commitment which unfortunately affects the second. Don't think they meant to be rude, but it does stink.

[kiwik]

Not rude but I understand. At my son's sixth birthday 2 kids rang to say they were sick, one who had accepted just didn't turn up (I forgot a party once but I answered the phone and apologised) and one didn't RSVP until 3 hours before the party.

 

I was a bit cross when half ds9's basketball team missed the last game before finals (causing a forfeit) because they were attending prize giving for another sport. I still think team obligations trump getting a prize but the other was their main sport and they considered the basketball team just a bit of fun.

[MiMi 4under3]

First grade DD is having a birthday party. She has to invite the whole class (which I am totally ok with). Three boys RSVP that they will be there. The day before the party, I get calls from their mothers that their football game has been rescheduled so they can't come to the party.

 

I can't decide if this is rude or just how it works with sports. There is a big part of my head screaming "first grade!!!" One mother told me her son cried for 10 minutes. It bugs me.

 

It's just how it works. Around here, sports take precedence over everything. I even see kids missing Sunday school to attend a game.

[madteaparty]

This made me laugh. I would think that a RSVP yes would be understood to be conditional. As in, "yes, we plan to attend unless something changes and we'll let you know." Obviously there are good reasons and bad reasons to cancel but a yes to a kid's birthday party isn't some kind of eternally binding contract. Maybe next time I'll RSVP, "Yes, unless a game gets rescheduled, or our car breaks down, or we get in an accident on the way to the party, or we have a family emergency, or we wake up with a stomach flu that morning, or we get lost and can't find the party location and for some reason our gps stops working... but otherwise, yes, we'll totally be there." ;)

So glad you had a laugh.

I go under the assumption when OP asks a question one is soliciting various views. You're also confusing a scheduling decision with emergencies, but you should add acts of war or nature to your clause there while you're at it. :)

[scholastica]

Not rude. Parents can't control when the league reschedules the game. When you commit to a team, you keep that commitment, even if it inconveniences you.

[SproutMamaK]

So glad you had a laugh.

I go under the assumption when OP asks a question one is soliciting various views. You're also confusing a scheduling decision with emergencies, but you should add acts of war or nature to your clause there while you're at it. :)

I don't see it so much as a scheduling decision as it is a schedule commitment. 

[happypamama]

Imagine if all three boys missed the game. What would that do to the game and team.

 

I don't think it was rude. It sounds like they called as soon as they knew.

Yes.  I vote that it's incredibly frustrating, but three boys could be a large portion of the team, and I think that's just the way it goes with sports.  Frustrating, but not rude.  

[poppy]

Not rude. Parents can't control when the league reschedules the game. When you commit to a team, you keep that commitment, even if it inconveniences you.

Well, in this scenario, it doesn't inconvenience "you" (the RSVP changer). It inconveniences the family of the people who invited you to their celebration. And the 7 year old girl on her birthday!!

I don't think it is more moral  to skip a friend's party because you have a game.  It's a a rock and a hard place situation.  Either choice is kinda lousy.

Edited October 15, 2016 by poppy

[gardenmom5]

Well, in this scenario, it doesn't inconvenience "you" (the RSVP changer). It inconveniences the family of the people who invited you to their celebration. And the 7 year old girl on her birthday!!

I don't think it is more moral  to skip a friend's party because you have a game.  It's a a rock and a hard place situation.  Either choice is kinda lousy.

 

oh, but what about those families that have already gone out and purchased and wrapped presents for a party their children will no longer be able to attend because they have a previous commitment.

 

yes, it's disappointing for the birthday child, it's also disappointing for the guests who had planned on doing two fun things, but now only get to do one because the other fun thing changed when they were doing it.

 

yes - I've had a kid who rsvp'd not show up for my aspies bd.  not because they had a commitment that suddenly changed (frustrating and disappointing - but notified), or were ill (notified), etc.  I chose to just ignore it and move on, but  the mom (days) later came up to me and admitted she just completely "forgot".  (permanently in the flake category.)

[poppy]

oh, but what about those families that have already gone out and purchased and wrapped presents for a party their children will no longer be able to attend because they have a previous commitment.

 

yes, it's disappointing for the birthday child, it's also disappointing for the guests who had planned on doing two fun things, but now only get to do one because the other fun thing changed when they were doing it.

 

yes - I've had a kid who rsvp'd not show up for my aspies bd. not because they had a commitment that suddenly changed (frustrating and disappointing - but notified), or were ill (notified), etc. I chose to just ignore it and move on, but the mom (days) later came up to me and admitted she just completely "forgot". (permanently in the flake category.)

I would still give the gift .

[Guest]

Not that my voice is needed so much here, but I agree that that is just sports/activities to which one is committed. Add me to the list of people impressed the OP got RSVPs AND a call explaining the change. All of my kids have been in multiple sports and when a scheduling change happens, it is not willy-nilly. There is much scrambling by commissioner, coaches, refs/umps, and field locations. When there is a lot of inclement weather in a season, for example, there may be fifty teams rescheduling games. This is true whether the kids are six or sixteen years old.

 

I am a HUGE proponent of RSVPing promptly and carrying out that commitment. But it is true that a group activity to which you are committed trumps a birthday party with all classmates. We have taught our kids from their earliest teams/activities that that team is the highest committment; we infrequently fail to attend games/recitals, etc.

[bettyandbob]

I would still give the gift .

Me too. I'd call after the game and drop it by the house that day if possible.

[gardenmom5]

I would still give the gift .

 

so would I if it works - but my point was that even though they weren't able to come, they had made effort to prepare to be a guest.

[OneStepAtATime]

Well, in this scenario, it doesn't inconvenience "you" (the RSVP changer). It inconveniences the family of the people who invited you to their celebration. And the 7 year old girl on her birthday!!

I don't think it is more moral  to skip a friend's party because you have a game.  It's a a rock and a hard place situation.  Either choice is kinda lousy.

Poppy, I do see what you are saying.  I'm sure others do, too.  Yes, it is a lousy position to be in.  I agree.  FWIW, I am not a big sports person by any means.  Disappointing a little girl on her birthday and inconveniencing the parents that invited my child after we RSVP'd we would come is a sad thing to have to do.  I would feel awful.

 

On the flip side of that coin, with three team members failing to show, that means that the tremendous effort that was made on the part of the sports organizers/coaches to reschedule the games, and the effort of the parents of the team they belong to for the other team members to get to that game is also chucked out the window if the team has to forfeit because three boys decided to go to a birthday party instead.  And it isn't like the three boys were the only ones invited.  The entire class was invited.  

 

I totally get why OP is unhappy.  I really do.  I absolutely sympathize (and again hugs to you, OP).  But I absolutely would have done the same thing if I were in the boys' parents' shoes.  Committing to a team is something I take seriously.  It isn't just my own child that is affected.  It is the team and potentially the league that is affected by my choice not to support the team.

 

Again, though, I think the disconnect here is that some don't feel 1st graders committing to a team sport is a big deal and others do.  I think making that type of commitment for a 1st grader is not necessarily the best decision but if I have a child that very badly wants to play a team sport then we absolutely would take that commitment seriously.  If we don't we show disrespect to our fellow team members, the coach and the members of organization in general.  Poor commitment is why many sports teams fold and are no longer available for children to participate in.  I just see this as a bigger picture thing.  I realize others don't.

 

I just really hope that the birthday party goes well anyway.  Best wishes OP.

[poppy]

Poppy, I do see what you are saying.  I'm sure others do, too.  Yes, it is a lousy position to be in.  I agree.  FWIW, I am not a big sports person by any means.  Disappointing a little girl on her birthday and inconveniencing the parents that invited my child after we RSVP'd we would come is a sad thing to have to do.  I would feel awful.

 

On the flip side of that coin, with three team members failing to show, that means that the tremendous effort that was made on the part of the sports organizers/coaches to reschedule the games, and the effort of the parents of the team they belong to for the other team members to get to that game is also chucked out the window if the team has to forfeit because three boys decided to go to a birthday party instead.  And it isn't like the three boys were the only ones invited.  The entire class was invited.  

 

I totally get why OP is unhappy.  I really do.  I absolutely sympathize (and again hugs to you, OP).  But I absolutely would have done the same thing if I were in the boys' parents' shoes.  Committing to a team is something I take seriously.  It isn't just my own child that is affected.  It is the team and potentially the league that is affected by my choice not to support the team.

 

Again, though, I think the disconnect here is that some don't feel 1st graders committing to a team sport is a big deal and others do.  I think making that type of commitment for a 1st grader is not necessarily the best decision but if I have a child that very badly wants to play a team sport then we absolutely would take that commitment seriously.  If we don't we show disrespect to our fellow team members, the coach and the members of organization in general.  Poor commitment is why many sports teams fold and are no longer available for children to participate in.  I just see this as a bigger picture thing.  I realize others don't.

 

I just really hope that the birthday party goes well anyway.  Best wishes OP.

 

I get this POV and I probably would have made the same decision if I was on a small team and wasn't close to the birthday kid.

 

At the same time, I think it is  worth acknowledging that the kids who are keeping their commitment to the team are ALSO breaking their commitment to the birthday family.  

 

I see you think this is a noble sacrifice ("bigger picture thinking") but still, there are two sides to that coin.  If commitments matter, RSVPs do too, and breaking one -- while sometimes necessary -- shouldn't be shrugged off.  IMO,  Here is my bias, I have a special needs kid who didn't t have any friends at that age (and now has, like, 1)..  When she desperately wanted a party, I invited the whole class and hoped they made the trek. I sent invites and cheered at every RSPV. . Basically our only playdate of the year. I booked a children's museum to try and get kids to make the trek. It was a rather invisible special need (pragmatic communication disorder) .  It wasn't "just a day" - it was kind of a big deal for us, for her. And when I hear on this thread imply say sports matter and parties/casual friends don't, I think, well you have a dozen games.  She had one shot.  Sometimes parties matter too. 

[heartlikealion]

I get this POV and I probably would have made the same decision if I was on a small team and wasn't close to the birthday kid.

 

At the same time, I think it is  worth acknowledging that the kids who are keeping their commitment to the team are ALSO breaking their commitment to the birthday family.  

 

I see you think this is a noble sacrifice ("bigger picture thinking") but still, there are two sides to that coin.  If commitments matter, RSVPs do too, and breaking one -- while sometimes necessary -- shouldn't be shrugged off.  IMO,  Here is my bias, I have a special needs kid who didn't t have any friends at that age (and now has, like, 1)..  When she desperately wanted a party, I invited the whole class and hoped they made the trek. I sent invites and cheered at every RSPV. . Basically our only playdate of the year. I booked a children's museum to try and get kids to make the trek. It was a rather invisible special need (pragmatic communication disorder) .  It wasn't "just a day" - it was kind of a big deal for us, for her. And when I hear on this thread imply say sports matter and parties/casual friends don't, I think, well you have a dozen games.  She had one shot.  Sometimes parties matter too. 

 

I'm sorry if that is the message I sent. That is not really what I meant. I actually am not a big sports person. And I even played a sport for a while. What I was suggesting is, the commitment you made first is the one you uphold. And while I don't have the same exact scenario, I have a very similar one. Ds doesn't have a lot of friends. We normally don't have parties with kids. We normally have a small gathering with family or take him to the movies. Well, this year we booked Michael's for their party room. I bought supplies for the craft. We had this one family of homeschoolers we invited, his main friends (two children). Well, like a few days before the party they canceled. Family was coming to town unexpectedly. I was quite disappointed. I had hoped they could just see their family before/after the party. But I think the timing was really odd and a short visit so they did not come to the party at all. Then he only had three guests, one of which was from a family we knew, but older than ds and probably just there to be polite.

 

We made the most of it, but it was kinda disappointing. It's not easy for us to invite people over. There isn't anything to do in this town and some of the guests lived closer to the venue (in the city) than here.

 

Because you invited the whole class and three didn't come, I hope that it didn't impact the party too much. I don't know how many did come, though.

 

I guess I can't speak for everyone, but I think what most of us are *probably* saying is typically commitments should be honored in the order they were made. And in this case we're saying that the sports commitment was made when he joined the team.

[luuknam]

Because you invited the whole class and three didn't come, I hope that it didn't impact the party too much. I don't know how many did come, though.

 

I guess I can't speak for everyone, but I think what most of us are *probably* saying is typically commitments should be honored in the order they were made. And in this case we're saying that the sports commitment was made when he joined the team.

 

I don't agree with that order though. The sports commitment was made when the team was joined, which means that the commitment to the game date was made when the schedule was released. Then, the commitment to the party was made, and then finally, after the game was moved, that commitment was made last in the order of commitments. The OP said one of the kids cried for over 10 minutes because he wanted to go to the birthday party but mom was making him go to the game instead. I'm sorry, but that's taking kids' sports way too seriously. If a first grade game is rescheduled at the last minute and people can't make it, it's not the end of the world to just cancel the game.

 

And I've invited the entire class plus some other kids to one of my kids' birthdays once (a pirate party at the science museum), and had no-one show. Zero, nada. One of the kids' moms called me to let me know her kid was ill, and that was it.

[OneStepAtATime]

I get this POV and I probably would have made the same decision if I was on a small team and wasn't close to the birthday kid.

 

At the same time, I think it is  worth acknowledging that the kids who are keeping their commitment to the team are ALSO breaking their commitment to the birthday family.  

 

I see you think this is a noble sacrifice ("bigger picture thinking") but still, there are two sides to that coin.  If commitments matter, RSVPs do too, and breaking one -- while sometimes necessary -- shouldn't be shrugged off.  IMO,  Here is my bias, I have a special needs kid who didn't t have any friends at that age (and now has, like, 1)..  When she desperately wanted a party, I invited the whole class and hoped they made the trek. I sent invites and cheered at every RSPV. . Basically our only playdate of the year. I booked a children's museum to try and get kids to make the trek. It was a rather invisible special need (pragmatic communication disorder) .  It wasn't "just a day" - it was kind of a big deal for us, for her. And when I hear on this thread imply say sports matter and parties/casual friends don't, I think, well you have a dozen games.  She had one shot.  Sometimes parties matter too. 

Agreed.  And hugs to you.  I do understand.  I have a niece with a slow growing brain tumor.  Every single birthday is precious.  I also have family members with challenges that have sometimes made life quite difficult.  Sometimes that birthday party is the one bright thing in a sea of bad.  Birthday parties CAN matter a great deal.  Absolutely.  

 

To clarify my views on sports, I don't see the team thing as "noble" but I do feel that when a child signs up to participate in team sports  (or any other group organization that relies on a certain number of members for it to function) that the parent AND the child need to honor that commitment as much as is possible.  That includes rescheduled events.  If they don't feel the group or sport or band or whatever is that important then they shouldn't sign up in the first place since others will be negatively impacted if they don't follow through.  Not following up on that commitment affects many, not just that one child.

 

For instance, my daughter is a member of a drama team.  When parents sign up their children to be part of the drama team the teacher makes it abundantly clear that this is a long term commitment.  Each child is going to have a part in the final production.  They need to commit to being at the practices and working on their lines and being at the performances.  If they are unwilling to put in that time then they should not sign up to be part of the drama team.  Each student is a valuable and needed member.  There are not enough students for everyone to have a back up person.

 

 At the final performance two years ago one of the leads decided to go to a friend's graduation party instead of being at the final performance.  He gave the drama teacher 24 hours notice.  He could have made it to the graduation ceremony and still done the drama performance.  He just would have missed a couple of hours of the graduation party.  He chose the party over the performance.  A parent had to step in and do the part, carrying a script around.  It was hurtful to the rest of the cast.  They had been working for months on that play.  This was their big moment.  For some, this was their last year, since they were Seniors.  It was their sendoff performance.  The student, IMHO, was absolutely 100% in the wrong.  He knew well ahead of time when that final performance date was.  He let the entire cast and the audience down, IMHO.

 

Does that mean that someone getting sick or injured or having a death in the family or whatever should not be excused?  Of course not.  There ARE times when someone cannot participate in something they committed to and their reasons are understandable.  I just feel that in OP's situation the boys were not being rude and I don't think their parents were either.  They were trying to honor the prior commitment to the team and still show respect to OP and her daughter by notifying them they would no longer be able to attend.  RSVP is not a legally binding contract.  They were not being rude.

 

Again, though, I recognize that there are others who do not feel as I do.

 

ETA:  Also, I do want to reiterate that I am not sure committing small children to team sports that require lots of time and fairly rigid schedules and absolutely having to attend games even when rescheduled is a healthy course of action but that is not my call to make.  It isn't my child.  Once a parent/child signs up, then they have made that commitment, and I understand their need to follow through since not doing so affects many others, not just themselves.  I would be disappointed if they were unable to attend my child's birthday party but I would understand.  And yes, this has happened to us in the past (baseball, not football).

Edited October 15, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Kiara.I]

The boys RSVPd to two different things, at two different times.  One of those things changed times so that it conflicted.  They then HAD TO break a commitment to one of the two things, it was impossible not to.

 

So at that point, the question becomes whether it's more rude to break the commitment to the sport, or more rude to break the commitment to the party.  They were in an impossible position either way!

[heartlikealion]

I don't agree with that order though. The sports commitment was made when the team was joined, which means that the commitment to the game date was made when the schedule was released. Then, the commitment to the party was made, and then finally, after the game was moved, that commitment was made last in the order of commitments. The OP said one of the kids cried for over 10 minutes because he wanted to go to the birthday party but mom was making him go to the game instead. I'm sorry, but that's taking kids' sports way too seriously. If a first grade game is rescheduled at the last minute and people can't make it, it's not the end of the world to just cancel the game.

 

And I've invited the entire class plus some other kids to one of my kids' birthdays once (a pirate party at the science museum), and had no-one show. Zero, nada. One of the kids' moms called me to let me know her kid was ill, and that was it.

 

That's fine. I don't know that there's a right or wrong answer here. I just think that my commitment to something first might weigh more heavily. Like, if you take your child to public school and they have a snow day. Then they have a make up day at the end of the year for that snow day. Well, it's not on the school calendar, but you'd probably send your kid to school because of that commitment to school.

 

For my individual child? If we made birthday plans and the game change was last minute I don't know that I'd jump through hoops to go to the game and cancel on the party. I'd have to think about how much it would affect the team I guess and whether or not the reasoning for moving the game was understandable, etc.