Moving during teen years

[mom31257]

If you moved during any of your kids' teen years, do you mind to share your experiences, advice, etc.? 

 

Dh would really like to move to his home in Ohio. I like the idea of moving there because of the extended family he has, and I know he doesn't want to stay where we are now. My biggest concern is ds. Dh wants sooner than later, like next summer if we can sell our house and find him a job. 

 

As far as I know now, we would continue to homeschool. A family member says that homeschooling is popular in the area and there are some co-ops with as many as 150 kids. I would work hard to find opportunities for friendships, but that's no guarantee he'll find them. 

 

Thanks for any input!

 

 

[Amira]

My 17yo has done four international moves as a teenager, plus a few domestic moves. 15yo has done two teenage international moves and one domestic. There are so many variables that can affect whether a move works for a teenage. Moving to a familiar place with extended family makes it a lot easier, and I think it's easier to move a 13yo than an older teenager (at least in some ways). I also think teenagers should be very involved in the decisions about when and where to move, if at all possible. And some kids just have a harder time with moving no matter what you do.

 

An unhappy teenager definitely affects the whole family, but getting your family to a place that works for everyone, even if it's hard for a bit, can be a really good thing.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Amira

[Penguin]

We are moving in October, and my 10th grade son is homeschooled. He has chosen to continue with homeschool, and I am hoping beyond hope that he will be happy there. We are also moving to the place where we have extended family, so at least there will be some teenage cousins to jumpstart things. But we will live an hour away from those folks, so it will not create an instant social life. We have the added complication that we are moving from overseas, so there are reverse culture shock / repatriation issues also at hand.

 

I do feel reasonably confident, though. We have a lot of moving experience (ETA although not as much as Amira!)  :) Eldest moved between 8th and 9th grade, but he was not homeschooled. Middle moved overseas in his senior year - again not homeschooled. Both moves were, in the end, positive for the teens. But in no way does that mean that they jumped for joy at the idea of moving. 

 

There is always a risk, and you trade the known for the unknown. But it can work out splendidly, too.

 

 

Edited August 8, 2016 by Penguin

[DawnM]

I assume your husband has already looked at retirement benefits for OH?  I say this because I regret agreeing to move based on my retirement benefits.  I would have had such better benefits had I not moved.

 

And the benefits that were once given in NC are gone.  They are still there, but the good parts and extras are gone.  

 

Make sure you check and double check exactly what the benefits are.  In NC, the good benefits are still listed, but you don't know they are listed ONLY for those hired before 2012.  If you were hired after, you get none of what is listed, but  you wouldn't know that unless you get in the system and ask the right questions.  It stinks.  

 

I don't know how old he is, but my guess is that he will have to work 20 years min. for any good health benefits in retirement.  Does he plan to work another 20?

 

Just some things to ask yourself that I think are more important than dealing with the teen aspect of moving.

[Janeway]

You should move now and as soon as possible.

 

it is not that great to move when you have teens. But, if you are going to move anyway, now would be the time. If you move once they leave for college, you will be in the situation where they are in one place and you the other. That is something that would really bother me. 

 

Our timeline is for May. My oldest tests for his black belt in April and my second child will have finished one year in that invitation class for ballet. He seems to want to go back to school for high school, so, I want us settled before he is ready for high school. I want the children to feel settled and like our new location is home before it is time for college.

[Chris in VA]

We had terrible moves but I know many military kids who move a ton and do GREAT. Homeschooling seems to help. What does your teen say?

[DawnM]

You should move now and as soon as possible.

 

 

 

 

Her husband is a PS teacher, it isn't as easy to move now.  I think GA schools have already started.  She also said he needs to have a job lined up, there would be no way to get a job lined up for this school year unless OH schools will hire on a phone interview.

[Guest]

If you move once they leave for college, you will be in the situation where they are in one place and you the other. That is something that would really bother me.

 

We just moved last month. My three college kids couldn't have cared less that we moved. In their minds, college is now their home. My 16yo, otoh, is having a rough time adjusting.

[Penguin]

Obviously, we do not all view moving the same way. I have no idea where my son will go to college; there is no reason for me to assume he will be close to home. For three years now, my three kids have been living in three different countries.

 

The idea that homeschooling would help is interesting to me. Our older boys met people right away and were swept into activities at the school. Not instant friendships, but instant people. I am thinking that homeschooling is going to make it harder, but who knows? Ask me in six months :) At least there will be seamless academics. That aspect will be easier than plunking into a brick and mortar school.

 

In my opinion, your 13 yr old has plenty of time to connect with a new community. Especially if you have extended family there.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Penguin

[bethben]

We moved from a small town to a sprawled out city when ds was 14 going into high school. It was hard for a while because he left behind friends he's had most of his life. He was pretty lonely for a while. We found a great church youth group and his social life is much fuller than it was before. It's been a very positive experience for him.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Garga]

Does he have very close friends now? A best friend he'll have to leave?

 

For my family, I wouldn't move unless we absolutely had to for reasons outside of our control. My parents moved me a lot when I was young and I struggled very much making friends. Then again, I was always the new kid at school. If I had been homeschooled it might have been different.

 

My son has friends he's had since he was 1 and they all know each other well. After going through my childhood and struggling to make friends as the new kid, I'd be hesitant to end 13-year long friendships for my son and make him start over. My other son's friendships are about 7 years old and he just adores those friends. It would be very hard on them both to start from scratch and lose every single friendship all in the same day.

 

But you have to know your kid. And homeschooling does make things different. There's not that constant outsider feeling every day in a new school. Homeschoolers come and go so much from co-ops that there's always someone new and someone leaving.

 

Maybe your son doesn't have close friends now. Maybe he doesn't like them and would like to go. Or maybe they're a big part of who he is and he'd be lonely without them.

 

What does your son think of this? Have you talked to him yet?

Edited August 8, 2016 by Garga

[City Mouse]

We moved from an urban area to a very small town when my DD had just finished 10th grade. She attended a charter school before we moved and attended the local school in the small town. She was supportive of the move. She isn't terribly social anyway. She had friends at her old school but not a "best" friend. The girls at the new school were kind and friendly for the most part and tried to include my DD in social activities. My DD really enjoyed the small school atmosphere and more personalized attention from the teachers, but I don't think she developed any long standing friendships from the new school. Her friends are all people from college.

 

I will say that even after 5 years, she does not see our current town as "home". Home to her is where we used to live. I fully expect that she will decide to move either back home or to another city when she has the means. On the other hand, my DS was 9 when we moved. This is "home" for him. His memories of our previous home are fading. We kept in touch with some of his old friends for a few years, but they have moved on and some moved away.

[TheReader]

We moved 2.5 yrs ago, from Brazil back to Texas, but not back to our same hometown. The boys were 16 and newly turned 13 (and 8) when we moved back. We spent 6 months in a temporary home about an hour from where we'd end up moving; that time was mostly spent reconnecting with family and finishing our then-current school year and getting back onto a US school timeline. Once we moved to our permanent home, over the summer/in time for the school year to start, the boys were a junior in high school, a 7th grader, and an elementary student. 

 

We homeschooled, plus enrolled them in one class each at a home school enrichment place, plus joined a church/youth group, plus made them each choose one extra curricular activity in hopes of developing friendships. 

 

The 7th grader definitely had the easiest time; for the junior, it was hard to break into already formed, long-term friendships in any of his activities, classes, etc. For the 7th grader, in our area that's still a time when people are transitioning from "at home" home school to "use some outside classes" home school, so some of the kids he met were also new to this "school," and the activity he chose likewise starts in middle school, so again, everyone was new. Some of them of course knew each other from various church activities, neighborhoods, etc, but he wasn't stepping into quite as solid a clique as the 11th grader was.  And this extended to church as well, and was actually worse there as most of those had been attending that church from childhood, so even in the middle school there were already some "cliques" or solid groups of friends harder to break into. Still, easier for the 7th grader than 11th grader. 

 

Things that helped -- we lucked out and many of the teachers/students at our church also attend the hs enrichment classes that we chose; having the same people in two places has been a win. My middle son in particular has a good friend that is in youth group and in many of his enrichment classes (we added 2nd & 3rd classes in the following year), and my oldest has seen some kids from his enrichment classes at his dual credit classes as well (and at church); having overlap has been a blessing. 

 

Things that hurt -- Most of the people at the outside activity are different, and seeing those people only in that setting has been harder for the boys to form friendships instead of just acquaintances. We also don't live in a heavily populated neighborhood or one close to all the action, so they don't have friends in the neighborhood. I like where we are, and it's a house we could afford and still have a comfortable income left over (anticipating college costs, adding boys to car insurance, etc.), and we don't regret where we live at all. But it's a factor, for sure. Since our temporary home the first 6 months was an hour away from our intended location, we didn't really have a feel for what neighborhoods were popular, and it never dawned on me to ask our Realtor that. I don't know if we'd have chosen differently or not -- the neighborhoods that are the most popular are older, were once affordable, but are hard/$$ to buy into now. Just something to consider though. 

 

All in all, the move was good, but it's definitely been harder on our oldest than our middle or youngest. I think moving a younger teen is far easier, just for the timing of things, than an older teen. And I don't know if hs'ing is always the best or not....if you can plug into several outlets, great; if you find the outside options limited, maybe give the school a look. The more exposure to other teens, the greater the chances they'll connect well with someone, especially if you have a quieter/more reserved teen. 

 

 

[QueenCat]

We moved when ours were going into 8th and 10th grades. You just work at finding activities and such for them. Be positive and not negative. If you say "It will be hard but you'll be fine", he'll expect it to be hard. People move all the time and do just fine. In fact, I think it's good for people to experience and live in different places. I think it helps make them more accepting of others from different places, even within the United States.

[katilac]

Does he have current strong friendships, or a strong social circle? 

 

Any chance of visiting Ohio during the year and starting to meet people? 

 

 

[wendy not in HI]

We just moved this summer.  We have a 15 year old and an almost 13 year old (we also have one starting college in the fall and one just married).  My husband is in the military and each of our teenagers has had to move in high school.  Our oldest moved in the middle of her sophomore year.  Our next moved between her sophomore and junior year.  Our current teen just finished her freshman year and will be at a new high school in the fall.  We will likely move next summer as well, so she will attend 3 different high schools.  My heart aches for her.  

 

Our kids attend public school - we do not homeschool at this time - so take that into consideration.  We have also moved every 2-3 years for most of their lives.  So, they generally know a move is looming...  That does not actually make it easier.

 

It is tough.  It takes about a year to be truly comfortable, and 2 years to have good friends.  It is hard to watch as the mom, and there's really not much I can do to ease the hurt.  I feel like we have some great support because of our church friendships (we are Mormon) but that doesn't actually ensure an easy transition.  At all.

 

I remember thinking our 2nd daughter was doing well about 2 months into her new school her junior year.  Then Halloween came.  All the kids around her were part of fun dress up groups (everyone dressed up as super heroes, or as characters from The Office or Napoleon Dynamite)  and she realized that, though she was "school friends" with different kids, she just didn't know how to get to the next step of real friendship, where you would be invited to be a part of the group... not just for dress-up but for all that encompasses friendship.

 

It helps to be involved.  Marching Band and Orchestra are great.  Volleyball and tennis are awesome.  Track is okay.  Time is what makes the real difference.  

 

I think it helps to keep things low key at home.  Allowing more screen time than usual. Encouraging reading. Fixing comforting meals.  Limiting company for a while.  Staying positive about your new area makes a huge difference.  Finding fun and unusual things to do there.  Not comparing to your old home, etc.  (we talk about the girl on Magic School Bus who constantly says "at my OLD school"  we don't want to be like that!)

 

I also like to go a little crazy buying school stuff - buying the school sweatshirt and a car magnet - to make sure we feel like we are part of the school community.  I know that doesn't apply, but finding a way to embrace your new town and making it your son's hometown will be important.  Do the tourist thing there - buy a hoodie and a mug!

 

If I could choose when to move just once in my child's life - i would go with middle school.  Anytime before 9th grade will allow your child to have a hometown team and a place to call home when he is grown and people ask where he is from.

[Penguin]

We moved when ours were going into 8th and 10th grades. You just work at finding activities and such for them. Be positive and not negative. If you say "It will be hard but you'll be fine", he'll expect it to be hard. People move all the time and do just fine. In fact, I think it's good for people to experience and live in different places. I think it helps make them more accepting of others from different places, even within the United States.

:iagree:  I emphasize that the skill of starting over is an important life skill. New jobs, new schools, new phases of life...the ability to start over without crumbling is mighty useful. And my kids tend to be the ones to reach out to newcomers because they know how it feels.I do try to emphasize the positive, but still allow for the teen's negative feelings to be valid. For me, this is not a "get over yourself and suck it up buttercup" event.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Penguin

[Tess in the Burbs]

Well, this last move hasn't been good for 1 kid, but great for another.  

DS turned 13 shortly after we arrived.  He got involved quickly but even though the kids were nice at activities, he didn't make any close friends.  He tried some sports.  Changed scout groups.  But we are so far from that circle no outside activity happened.  He's pretty lonely.  He's already pretty reclusive, and we had to go visit his Dr to get an opinion on depression.  DS has said he wished he had one good friend his age.  It breaks my heart.  But getting him to try anything is so hard as well. He's now starting a new sport for fall. He's already asked about something different for spring.  So I know he will keep meeting people.  And I can only pray someone in the future will turn out to be that friend he desperately wants.  

DD is turning 13 this month.  So 2 years here.  She has met lots of people.  Best friend lives 3 houses away and goes to our church.  She met more through this child and has a good group of friends that get together from time to time, just not consistently.  Then she has her AHG scout group.  It's 40 min away but these girls are her world. We have them all over often.  They do stuff outside of the group.  Her social calendar is full.  We could move again and I think she would be fine.  

I haven't met a ton of people either this move.  The ones I like live 40 min away.  So Ds and I are pretty lonely/miserable on the social front.  We have a church, but we may end up having to change so I can find a youth group for Ds.  He's the oldest kid at our church.  He needs some other kids to be role models and friends.  

We move with Dh's work when he wants.  And while here hasn't been great for Ds and myself, we don't want to move again.  If we did move again, it would be hard on all of us.  College options aren't a priority in where we live.  It's more about opportunity for dh.  The rest of us just make do.  I think my Ds wouldn't survive another move without being medicated for depression.  He's trying to get out there more.  We don't co-op....and maybe we should just for him to meet some kids.  But the disruption in our life and the fact none of us want to do it keeps us from trying.  We choose lonely over that LOL.  

I was advised by a military wife once to move early in the teen years and then try to stay put until they go out of the house.  Like I said, one kid is great, the other no so much.  But I am trying very hard not to allow another move to happen until they are gone out of the house.  

[QueenCat]

:iagree:  I emphasize that the skill of starting over is an important life skill. New jobs, new schools, new phases of life...the ability to start over without crumbling is mighty useful. And my kids tend to be the ones to reach out to newcomers because they know how it feels.I do try to emphasize the positive, but still allow for the teen's negative feelings to be valid. For me, this is not a "get over yourself and suck it up buttercup" event.

 

I didn't suggest to not empathize with the teen's feelings. I meant one should approach the move as a positive thing. If one starts off with "I know you aren't going to like this but we're moving" then the teen is likely to have a negative approach. I would NEVER tell my child to "suck it up buttercup" when they're expressing their feelings.

[FriedClams]

We're moving soon. My kids will be 15 and 14 when we move. One doesn't care. They're introverted, haven't found a great base of friends here (has some hours away - closer to the new area), and is looking forward to new adventures. The other is much more rooted and it will be much harder on them.

 

I'm not sure any of this will help, but we've done the following:

- Warn, warn, warn "We're moving in...". I think advanced notice helps. I'm also being as clear about our time line as possible.

- Finish as much as we can here - black belts, eagle scout, etc. Big things are being completed with the kids they started with.

- Move once. We'll have to have a rental between selling this house and building the next, so we're looking in the closest possible area to the final house. I want them to only have to find community once.

- Help keep old friends. Xbox, email, visits, video phone, whatever helps.

- We're looking for an easy rental so we'll have time to explore and "be tourists" in the new area to adjust. No yard work. No maintenance. Us, being together, having fun, adjusting.

- I'm looking for positives. A new church (we NEED this), learning new skills we can't here (sailing!), better dual enrollment, other stuff. We're making lists and researching cool things to try.

- Had the one it will be harder on repeat a grade. He is academically killing it, but it'll be much easier to integrate as an 8th grader than 9th when we settle in our new area. He's aged for 8th, so he'll no longer be lined up for starting college "early". We didn't want him with a challenging academic load, and a personal challenge if we could avoid it. Since he will no longer have same grade peers here to be concerned about, the repeat is an all around good thing. We're moving in the winter, so it's not a huge thing, but youth group and other stuff will be easier for him to break into joining the "starting high school in the fall" group. Also, should he decide to try a traditional school, he will have that option.

- We talk and share about it as much as possible.

- We took them into account for the time line. The kids wanted one last season of an activity that means a lot to them and isn't available when we move. We listened, and being home schoolers, we could move our dates around. Instead of August, we're moving in late November/early December.

[J-rap]

Our experience was a little different, because our moves were temporary (although we were never quite sure at the time). 

 

We still had a 13, 14, 16, and 17 year old when moved the first time, from a small town to a big city.  It was a trial move for my dh to see if it would be a good move for his business.  We had talked about it ahead of time and everyone was on board.  We looked at it as an adventure.  The older two were going to have some fun opportunities there too, so it seemed like a good idea.

 

And it mostly was, except our 17-year-old met her first serious boyfriend in the months before we moved.  That made everything far more traumatic for her and kind of colored her view of the move differently.  Everyone else had a great year and loved the new experiences and new friends, but the 17-year-old was kind of miserable.  I'm pretty sure it would have been different if she hadn't left a boyfriend at home.  (In the end they broke up, which was good because it was pretty obvious that they weren't a good fit!)

 

We did end up returning home, only to move again for 1.5 years, two years later.  This one was unplanned, an emergency that took us out of our home without time to even pack a bag, and we didn't return for 1.5 years.  Half the time we were in Chicago.  We just had the younger two and our oldest dd (the one who was the 17-year-old the first move).  Even though the situation itself was horrible, the move and location were a lot of fun and all three girls really enjoyed it a lot.  It was a real bonding time for our family and honestly, we only remember all the good things from that period.  

 

So I'd say that in general, moves for our teens were fun.  They definitely added color to our lives.   :)

 

Edited August 8, 2016 by J-rap

[Penguin]

I didn't suggest to not empathize with the teen's feelings. I meant one should approach the move as a positive thing. If one starts off with "I know you aren't going to like this but we're moving" then the teen is likely to have a negative approach. I would NEVER tell my child to "suck it up buttercup" when they're expressing their feelings.

I did not mean to imply that you would not empathize or that you would be harsh! I was just ruminating on how I try to strike a balance, and I by no means claim to always hit it. Personally, I like moving around. Being positive about moves is easy for me. But if I get too Pollyanna-ish, I think it starts to seem dismissive and/or lacking in empathy to the teen.

[ondreeuh]

We did a long-distance mood when my oldest dd was a sophomore. We thought she would be fine, but honestly, it was traumatic for her - mostly because she moved from a community she'd grown up in to a place where she stood out as an outsider. She didn't have the resilience to be a loner treated with suspicion. We moved again a year later, to a place that was more similar to "home," and she did better there. It was just more welcoming overall, and she found like-minded people. Then she went away to college in our home state, but moved back the next year. She now feels like she has two homes and can enjoy the benefits of both places.

 

We are batting around the idea of moving internationally in the near-ish future. DH works for the military and can apply for jobs around the world, but we're interested in Japan, Korea, and Germany. My oldest at-home kid in starting his 9th grade year now, and while he doesn't like the idea of moving, he's also not that invested in our current town. If we moved, we would hook in with an ex-pat community so he wouldn't feel the same isolation my dd felt, though.

 

If your kids are outgoing, have interests that will get them involved quickly with other kids, and the place you're looking at is a place where they can feel accepted, then I think moves can be fine. We don't grow when we're not challenged, and a move can be a good sort of challenge for a teen who is working on figuring out their own identity.

[mom31257]

Thanks for all the replies! We've lived here for 12 years, so ds did grow up here. He has a very close friend right across the street, but their activities together are mostly here at home. The family is Mormon and doesn't join the local homeschool support groups/co-ops because of Statements of Faith and such. They moved in the summer we did, so the boys have grown up together.

 

He's very close friends with my best friend's son. He is a little younger but the relationship has grown a lot with time and age. These are friends who I know will come to see us as well as us visit them. It's still not the same, though, as being there. 

 

He has developed another close friendship through our homeschool co-op which was strengthened when we started going to that family's church. He is involved in a drama group that has allowed him to take his first trips away from home without us. He's bonded fairly well with all those students, too. We've been at that church for two years, but he joined the group in January. 

 

We have talked to him about the possibility. Of course, he doesn't like the idea of moving because it would mean starting all over making friends. 

 

I like the idea of trying to visit during the year to check out the possibilities of friendships. We will go up in October, so I might see if I could find some homeschool co-ops to visit. 

 

 

[kwickimom]

We moved 17 hours from the only home my kids ever knew last year. We lived in a tiny town and now we are in a big town. My 13yo dd has not taken it well.

 

Homeschooling where I live now is AMAZING. We live right on the gulf so we can go to the ocean everyday, we have found a great church and met awesome friends right off the bat, have tons to do and a beautiful house.....none of that matters to my teen LOL. We sent her back home for the summer to travel around with family. She comes back next week, so we'll see if her attitude is better or worse. SIGH. 

 

I make sure she knows her feelings are valid, but that she has to deal with our situation and she is not going to make us all miserable :) I had to make her get involved in youth group and co op and field trips and she made some great friends right away so that helped a little. If she had it her way she would never leave the house though. This year I am going to find somewhere for her to volunteer to remind her that her life is not so bad and that God put us all here for a reason. It hasn't been fun with her poor attitude (the rest of us love it here) so I kinda just make her do stuff and ignore her when shes whining and have fun with the rest of the family.

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I think it depends a lot on your kid an current experience.  We moved in son's senior year, and while it was minimally disruptive (same school, same general vicinity, a better room for him), it was devastating to him because too many other things changed at the same time:  scout troop disintegrated, new priest, bullying from former school friends, good life friend moved away, other life friend became obsessed with new girlfriend, and a few other new changes that I can't remember at this time.  It was Too Much.  And it caused depression.

 

If allllll the other things had been stable, it would have been OK.  But there was too much for THIS kid at THIS time.  

 

Stabilize as much as you can.  

[amy g.]

We just moved. My middle daughter was 16 when we found out we were leaving. She made it clear that she was not happy about it. I told her that I understand. Usually, I put my kids' wishes pretty high on the list, but this time, the future oppertunities for the family outweighed the desires of the kid. I told her that she might be unhappy in the short term, but this is the job that will allow her to go to any college she wants, send her future kids to expensive summer camps and help her with a downpayment for a house. Those things will have more impact on her life than moving across the country will.

 

One thing that helped her adjustment is that her best friend's family offered to host her for the summer. While the rest of us were cleaning for showings and packing, she has been walking on the beach and going to plays and concerts.

 

I had planned on homeschooling her one more year, but decided to graduate her so she can go to the community college here. Classes start next week. I think she will love it and make friends quickly.

 

Her best friend has another year at boarding school, then I think they will both be going to college in a neighboring state.

 

My younger girls seemed to have adjusted within a week. They love the new house and the new town.

 

Moving with a teenager sure hasn't been ideal for us, but it isn't as hard as moving away from the grown up kids. That's going to be hard for this mom to adjust to!