Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Kassia]

My adult son is bringing his longtime girlfriend home for the weekend.  She's stayed over before, but only overnight, and we've gone on vacation with her twice.  Anyway, I have no idea what she likes to eat so I asked my son to just give me some ideas for breakfast/lunch/snacks/drinks so I can have food for her here that she likes (they live together).  He didn't send me anything, so I sent him an email last night asking a couple of specific questions about her likes/dislikes.  He still hasn't gotten back to me. I want to go shopping tomorrow and have no idea what to buy for her.  I want to have stuff she likes here so she feels comfortable.  

 

I don't want to be a nag, but I'd really like some ideas from him.  I don't want to harass him and make him feel like it's a pain to bring her home because I'm going to bug him about food, but it would be so easy for him to just send me a quick list and/or answer my questions so I can shop and have food for her.  

 

Is it wrong to pester him more about this or should I just make sure I have a variety of foods here for her and hope for the best?  I am irritated that he hasn't gotten back to me but, as I said, I don't want there to be tension that causes him to hesitate to bring her home again in the future.  

 

Hope this makes sense.

 

 

[almondbutterandjelly]

I would stop pestering.  Just cook like you normally would.  Have food you normally have.  If they want something else, they are adults.  They can get it.  

 

I know you mean well.  But it's not on your son's radar.  Don't make it a thing.

Edited July 27, 2016 by perkybunch

[AmandaVT]

I wouldn't ask again - I'd just have a good variety around. Maybe when they get there, mention that you're about to go grocery shopping and does she want anything? 

[maize]

Well, as a guest I have never expected my host to purchase or prepare food especially for me, so while I think it is thoughtful of you to ask for likes/dislikes I don't think you should stress about it.

 

Maybe your son has never really paid attention to what she likes and doesn't like. 

[Kassia]

I would stop pestering.  Just cook like you normally would.  Have food you normally have.  If they want something else, they are adults.  They can get it.  

 

I know you mean well.  But it's not on your son's radar.  Don't make it a thing.

 

Thanks!  I would definitely feel that way if it were just my son, but I feel bad not having something I know his girlfriend likes since it's not her fault that he hasn't given me any ideas.  But, like you said, I definitely don't want to "make it a thing."  

[Guest]

Have whatever you want and ask her when you see her so you'll know for next time.

 

Don't sweat it. It's super nice you want to welcome her that way.

[Haiku]

You tried. He's not interested. Oh well.

[hornblower]

You're fussing too much :D

Unless you're aware from previous encounters that she has food restrictions, just relax, buy what you normally eat & if necessary be ready to pop into a grocery store.  (it would bug me like crazy that ds didn't answer a simple question but they're probably rolling their eyes at your fussing.... )

Also it would bug me to be fussed over too much...too much pressure to enjoy someone's hospitality makes me squirrely.  Breathe, relax, enjoy her company.

In a pinch, suggest they order something from takeout or offer to take them to a restaurant or something. 

[Kassia]

You're fussing too much :D

 

Unless you're aware from previous encounters that she has food restrictions, just relax, buy what you normally eat & if necessary be ready to pop into a grocery store.  (it would bug me like crazy that ds didn't answer a simple question but they're probably rolling their eyes at your fussing.... )

 

Also it would bug me to be fussed over too much...too much pressure to enjoy someone's hospitality makes me squirrely.  Breathe, relax, enjoy her company.

 

In a pinch, suggest they order something from takeout or offer to take them to a restaurant or something. 

 

Thanks so much to all of you!  I'm so glad I asked.  :)  

 

My son did just send me a message, but it wasn't very helpful.  I think you're right that they are just rolling their eyes at my fussing.  

 

Thanks to all of you, I'm not going to ask any other questions and will just make sure we have enough variety here.  And I'll try not to fuss too much.  

[Rachel]

Do you have her number? Just text and tell her you are heading to the store and want to make sure you have her favorite coffee (or whatever)

[Kassia]

Do you have her number? Just text and tell her you are heading to the store and want to make sure you have her favorite coffee (or whatever)

 

I do have her number and could text her!  I know she loves Diet Coke (that's really the only thing I'm sure of) so I will be sure to have that here.  

[bolt.]

Don't text her!

 

No one likes to be fussed over. She'd probably rather eat sawdust than feel like her visit is putting anyone to the slightest trouble. So, as a good host, you asked once. No data means no requests. Now drop it and focus on her actual comfort not your menu. Anything you might gain by serving excellent foods you would loose by making her feel spotlighted.

 

If you get the Diet Coke, don't let her know you did it for her. Just let it seem like one of your normally stocked beverages.

[abcmommy]

I absolutely would text her.  I would want to have the coffee or tea or creamer or whatever that she wants.  Just say you are glad she will be spending time with your fam and want to make sure if she has any special requests you have them on hand.

[Kassia]

Don't text her!

 

No one likes to be fussed over. She'd probably rather eat sawdust than feel like her visit is putting anyone to the slightest trouble. So, as a good host, you asked once. No data means no requests. Now drop it and focus on her actual comfort not your menu. Anything you might gain by serving excellent foods you would loose by making her feel spotlighted.

 

If you get the Diet Coke, don't let her know you did it for her. Just let it seem like one of your normally stocked beverages.

 

 

Thank you!  

 

Once again, I am SO glad I asked.  I am a born nurturer and it is my nature to fuss over everyone.  My kids tease me because I constantly ask, "What can I do for you?"  I really needed all of this feedback about not fussing because I had no idea that I shouldn't do that.  I am so grateful to all of you for helping me with this. I thought that having special foods here for her was super important.  

[Kassia]

I absolutely would text her.  I would want to have the coffee or tea or creamer or whatever that she wants.  Just say you are glad she will be spending time with your fam and want to make sure if she has any special requests you have them on hand.

 

I like the way you worded that.  They are three hours away by car and I think they would just bring anything that she couldn't live without.  In the past they did bring some specific items (for example, salad dressing) that they didn't want me to buy for just one use.  

Edited July 27, 2016 by ebh87

[Janeway]

Just forget it. He did not answer. It is not a big deal. Just serve whatever you would normally serve.

[bolt.]

Thank you!

 

Once again, I am SO glad I asked. I am a born nurturer and it is my nature to fuss over everyone. My kids tease me because I constantly ask, "What can I do for you?" I really needed all of this feedback about not fussing because I had no idea that I shouldn't do that. I am so grateful to all of you for helping me with this. I thought that having special foods here for her was super important.

In that case, if she ends up in your life, and you establish a real relationship with her, you can sure turn up the nurturing knob over the next few decades. By then you will actually know her preferences, and can play favorite-food-fairy all you like. Just keep a lid on for a while it as you get to know each other.

 

It can be really overwhelming, and answering direct questions about preferences makes the person feel demanding and particular. Don't try to substitute questioning for actually getting to know her gradually.

[gardenmom5]

can you call her?  this isn't important to him.

 

otherwise, just make whatever you want.

[luuknam]

Too much fussing over making sure you have what she likes might come across as you being desperate for your son to have a girlfriend he can keep (like you're overcompensating for your son not being ideal - not saying he isn't ideal, just that going overboard like that could come across as that).

 

ETA: My MIL was so happy her son was finally engaged at almost 28yo. Luckily she didn't go way overboard, but it would've felt quite uncomfortable if she had.

Edited July 27, 2016 by luuknam

[Starr]

I think your son could have easily said she likes iced tea when it's warm and coffee with milk in the morning. It's not that difficult to make things easy for you. But, well, kids. :D  Don't worry about it. 

[theelfqueen]

My son's fiancee is a needy eater. She does not eat any pork. There are a number of fruits and veggies she's picky about... oh AND she's lactose intolerant. And she's not very adventurous where seafood is concerned.

 

I need HELP preparing for her visits! "Will she eat X? Is Y okay?"

 

[Arcadia]

My in-laws did fuss over food for me and then our kids when we visit. My MIL just feels it is her job to be able to feed her guests. My hubby just tell her that we will buy on our way there.

 

Unless you live very far from a grocer or 7Eleven, I won't worry about it.

 

Before we were married, hubby would just bring me to his parents home for a few hours unannounced so that his parents don't have time to fret over food.

 

Just enjoy the visit :)

[Rachel]

I'm thinking of my husband, the message never would have been relayed to me.

 

I usually text my babysitters before they are at our house to make sure there is something here they like. I don't think it's being overly fussy to have something on hand that a person likes, especially if she lives with your son. You don't need every single favorite food, but having her beverage of choice on hand is thoughtful.

 

Anyway, enjoy your visit.

[Kassia]

Too much fussing over making sure you have what she likes might come across as you being desperate for your son to have a girlfriend he can keep (like you're overcompensating for your son not being ideal - not saying he isn't ideal, just that going overboard like that could come across as that).

 

ETA: My MIL was so happy her son was finally engaged at almost 28yo. Luckily she didn't go way overboard, but it would've felt quite uncomfortable if she had.

 

When I met my MIL she was awful to me.  She wouldn't look at me and wouldn't speak to me.  After that disastrous first meeting she still made me feel so uncomfortable when I was around her.  I think that made a big impression on me so I overcompensate by being very nurturing towards my sons' girlfriends.  I don't think that I go overboard to the point of being inappropriate, but I do want them to feel accepted unconditionally.  

[marbel]

Don't text her!

 

No one likes to be fussed over. She'd probably rather eat sawdust than feel like her visit is putting anyone to the slightest trouble. So, as a good host, you asked once. No data means no requests. Now drop it and focus on her actual comfort not your menu. Anything you might gain by serving excellent foods you would loose by making her feel spotlighted.

 

If you get the Diet Coke, don't let her know you did it for her. Just let it seem like one of your normally stocked beverages.

 

I know this is probably a dead issue but I just had to agree here in case it is not.  My MIL is such a fusser and always has been.  I was so uncomfortable our first meeting - and 20+ years later I still am.  (I'm not saying you would be so fussy 20 years on.)

 

Unless she has some food restrictions, you are going to be fine.  If she gets there and there is nothing she likes, you can get it the next day.  No one is going to suffer from not having their favorite foods for 24 hours.  :001_smile:

 

And yeah, don't tell her the diet coke is for her.  What if she's stopped liking it?  My MIL has never gotten over me changing from being a morning tea-drinker to a morning coffee-drinker.  I think it happened shortly after the birth of my 19-year-old... she probably still has tea hanging around from those days.    :willy_nilly: :001_smile:

[Kassia]

I know this is probably a dead issue but I just had to agree here in case it is not.  My MIL is such a fusser and always has been.  I was so uncomfortable our first meeting - and 20+ years later I still am.  (I'm not saying you would be so fussy 20 years on.)

 

Unless she has some food restrictions, you are going to be fine.  If she gets there and there is nothing she likes, you can get it the next day.  No one is going to suffer from not having their favorite foods for 24 hours.  :001_smile:

 

And yeah, don't tell her the diet coke is for her.  What if she's stopped liking it?  My MIL has never gotten over me changing from being a morning tea-drinker to a morning coffee-drinker.  I think it happened shortly after the birth of my 19-year-old... she probably still has tea hanging around from those days.    :willy_nilly: :001_smile:

 

Not a dead issue at all.  I appreciate your taking the time to share your experience!  

 

I am going to have to really concentrate on not being a fusser!  I don't want to make her uncomfortable.  

 

Is a hug okay?  I've known her for over 3 years (they've been together almost 4 years).  We rarely see each other, but I always give her a hug when I see her.  

[marbel]

Not a dead issue at all.  I appreciate your taking the time to share your experience!  

 

I am going to have to really concentrate on not being a fusser!  I don't want to make her uncomfortable.  

 

Is a hug okay?  I've known her for over 3 years (they've been together almost 4 years).  We rarely see each other, but I always give her a hug when I see her.  

 

If you've known her for 3 years, it would probably be weird if you stop hugging her now!   

 

Is she like one of the family, more than like a guest?   Maybe that's the difference - my MIL has never managed to treat me like a family member, but more like a guest.   I would prefer to be treated as a family member...since I am a part of her family... :-)

 

[Guest]

WHAT

 

This person could be the mother of your grand babies. At the very least, she's a huge part of your sons life.

 

Be yourself!!!!

 

Texting is not overbearing. Neither is saying "hey honey I got you some diwt coke cause I know you like it." Or whatever you ~want~ to say.

 

For crying out loud. Just be normal. The cats out of the bag: you try to make your kids and their special ppl comfortable. Gasp! Shock! Horror! How could you!?

[rocassie]

I've always found it more helpful to be asked about food aversions or allergies than what food I like.  Just because I like something doesn't mean I want to consume it every time it's around.  My BFF's parents know I like root beer so they always make sure to have it on hand for me, but I don't really drink it that often and I don't always want the sugar.  Why buy something especially for me that I may or may not want during the actual visit.  If I want something specific, I will either bring it with me or run to the store.

 

It is very thoughtful of you to want this young woman to be welcomed and feel at home.  You will get to know her and her likes throughout the visit.  Just store those nuggets away for another time.  Enjoy the visit!

[regentrude]

I would not keep asking. If she had a life threatening allergy, he would have told you.

I'd just have a variety of different foods on hand.

 

And don't call or text her. She may be uncomfortable disclosing her food preferences and fear she is imposing. Stop fussing.

Edited July 28, 2016 by regentrude