Mid-life Crisis Alert: Ever just feel like you're wasting your life?

[DawnM]

Ok, first of all, I am going to lay this out there, but please don't quote because I may delete.

 

I started going to therapy about 2 years ago.  Part of it was because of my Aspie, but part of it was that I was hitting a mid-life crisis.  I was feeling completely trapped.  Tapped in this house, trapped in this life, trapped in this state I didn't want to live in, etc.....

 

I think honestly I was hitting parimenopause and it is scary to realize you are past the prime of your life.

 

I was getting anxiety attacks of sorts, probably not as bad as some people do, but getting them just the same.

 

 

[Onceuponatime]

IEF, wow. I'm speechless. Thank you.

 

P.S. I need to go to the OBGYN; this is most surely a factor.

 

I cried last week because I wanted a new coffee table.

Find yourself a new coffee table, even if you get it off Craig's list or refinish a sturdy thrift store one. Do not underestimate how much something new and different can brighten your attitude. Last week I got a new sofa and the high hasn't dissipated yet.

 

If that doesn't work, you could move to New Zealand. Apparently they need people.

 

https://www.newzealandnow.govt.nz/work-in-nz/nz-jobs-industries

http://m.wptz.com/news/new-zealand-town-with-too-many-jobs-offering-packages-of-land-homes-for-165k/40368544

Edited July 7, 2016 by Onceuponatime

[SereneHome]

Here are some ramblings that might (hopefully) will make you feel better.

 

I had a good career, I really liked what I did for a living and was fairly good at it.  And then I quit to become SAHM and now almost daily I wonder "what will they say at my funeral"?  Will I have any impact at all on my kids?  Will I make any kind of significant contribution to the world??  What would have happen if I kept working?  Am I really making any kind of difference in their lives by being there 24/7?  I don't know.  And they are still so young that I have to wait YEARS to find out.  When I worked, my results were almost immediate and it was oh so very satisfying. 

 

The money part is super hard for me.  The ONLY reason I went to college so I could have a profession and always be able to support myself.  And I did.  For almost 20 yrs.  And then boom - no more paychecks.  And it doesn't even matter that I handle all money in our family and my husband considers his paycheck ours.  Doesn't matter at all.  *I* don't make any money.

 

So here I am, in my early 40s.   I haven't worked for 8 yrs now.  I haven't volunteered.  I haven't gone to many operas or symphonies on theater in almost a  decade.  I haven't traveled in almost a decade.  What am I doing with my life??

 

Well, I've spent 3 years being pregnant and another 3 years nursing and 7 consecutive years changing diapers and mashing food and cleaning and cooking and then cleaning again and then cooking again and going grocery shopping and....

 

But I also taught my kids how to read (well, at least 2 of them) and how to write and I read them their first books and I saw their first smiles and their first teeth and then first teeth falling out.  And I took them to the playgrounds and saw them slide for the first time.  And I took THEM to their first theater.  And I was there when they met their first friend.

 

Is it as exciting of a life as my friend's from school?  Well, she has lived in Europe and traveled the world and her pics are AMAZING.  My pics are non-existent, but I have thousands of pics of my kids doing everything they have done so far.

 

Is it enough?  I don't know.  I miss my work, I miss being able to volunteer as much as I did.  I miss making money.  I miss making money a LOT!

 

But I try so so very hard to remember the blessings.  Some days it's harder.  Some days are just impossible.

 

I am not usually a very touchy-feely person, but I actually started a "gratitude journal".  I've only been doing it for a few months but already it is very interesting to look back and remember what I was thankful for.  And sometimes even that doesn't help.  So....I go get a donut and watch some stupid TV and go to bed and hope that the next day is better.

 

Hugs to you!!

[elegantlion]

I typed out a reply earlier and then the Internet crashed. I feel that way. I feel like I'm living my life backward. I started college as a single person at 46, and next month I'm moving in with my mom. Granted, we're all getting a new house together, so it's a new start, but heck, I feel like I'm 18 again in many ways. 

 

Ds is planning his move ahead in life and my mom is planning her latter years. 

 

 

Such a lot here I identify with. I was very content when I was in college, working on my AA. I know what you mean about that validation, too. One of my professors used my paper as a model, gave me a 99.7 on it and said, "you could really go far." She was raised in a Mennonite home and did not set foot in a college herself until she was 30. She got her Associates. And her bachelors. Then Masters. Then doctorate. She took it all the way, despite the late start. Believe me, it meant a lot to me to hear her say that to me. You could really go far. It haunts me on days like today.

When I started college, at 38, I did not mind being a non-traditional student; in fact, I liked being the "class mom." I still don't mind and find it gratifying, but as I said along this thread somewhere, I am afraid to do classes while trying to school DS11 and work for DH simultaneously. I am really afraid of doing a crappy job with DS just when he most needs his education to be thorough. Not to mention paying tuition. I feel like everything we make goes to one school or the other.

 

 

As to the above, I get it. I'm probably headed to grad school (assuming my mom's health stays good as I will have to go to a different city). My advisor is highly suggesting I go on to PhD, but that would be most of my 50s and I'm torn on whether it's worth it (assuming funding is in place). 

 

I want about two week where I don't have to be a responsible adult and all the adulty things still get done. Okay maybe two years. 

 

I still want to write and I have no time to edit. I don't want that to be my main income though, so I'm focusing on my history. 

 

I'm considering the tattoo (an infinity sign) as it seems beginnings and endings all merge together. I can't decide where I am on that spectrum yet. I'd also like to date again. 

 

I just feel blah on most days. Ds is a gem most of the time, my dog is my buddy, and I just want to sleep in for a few more weeks before school starts again. Thing is, I rarely am able to sleep in, not during theweek now as I'm doing classes. 

 

 

 

[Arcadia]

My advisor is highly suggesting I go on to PhD, but that would be most of my 50s and I'm torn on whether it's worth it (assuming funding is in place).

My hubby opt to go for his PhD after years of working when the scholarship stipend plus earnings from being a TA is almost equal to his post tax income before going back for PhD.

 

The jump in pay from Bachelors to PhD was high, but the jump from Masters to PhD is not so significant for hubby's jobs.

[mamiof5]

Short and simple: NO.

 

The long answer: life goes by too quickly, and every second I spend with my children is a gift. Do I always see this?? No. Am I tired and burnt out? You bet. In the midst of homeschooling, a shrieking, whinny toddler, not a very productive school year... I sure feel like hanging the towel. Do I want to go out "to the world" and make money?? Eeehhh. To help my dh with the financial burden? Sure. However, I want to hope I am giving my fair share, by staying home and homeschooling the kids. I mean, it's just money... I really don't find it that important. When I die I hope my kids will remember the time I spent with them, and not how big was my paycheck (which gas been zero for almost 12 years).

My dream? That God provides us with enough so dh and I can retire at the same time...him from work, me from homeschooling. That we both have good health and get to enjoy our grandkids and great-grandchildren.

Do I ever want to go back to work?? I pray I don't. I have a busy life planned ahead!! More homeschooling, grandkids, scrapbooking, photography, travelling...just too much to do, too little time.

Praying for OP and everyone who's feeling sad, anxious etc.

[LucyStoner]

My goodness, everyone!

 

I may not earn a paycheck, but what I do is valuable. I had my staring into the cogs of history and seeing my utter smallness moment a few years ago when I was quite ill. I do not define myself by what I do, but by who I am. My work may be unpaid, but it's valuable. I fill in those small gaps where society begins to fall apart by offering service--a nap for a new mother, a meal for the sick, a half hour of conversation for the lonely. My work allows my husband to have his evenings and weekends and vacation time. My work allows my kids to have OT and other services that they couldn't access to the same degree if I were working and they were in school.

 

My choosing to come home meant walking away from millions of income over the course of my lifetime. I count it as a conscious investment into civility, society, and service.

I agree but only about every other week or so. At the alternate points in time, I have total "what is the blasted point in this?" moments. This being the endless cycle of schlepping (appointments, lessons, sports etc), cooking and laundry. Sometimes it's ok to think about the opportunity costs of family caregiving. And to remind myself to read something more intellectually stimulating than my grocery list or a new recipe or this board.

 

I have accepted that I will live with a certain degree of ambivalence. Being aware of my ambivalence is probably helpful to me because I can think long term about post homeschooling time and take slow but steady action towards those goals.

[Guest]

Short and simple: NO.

 

The long answer: life goes by too quickly, and every second I spend with my children is a gift. Do I always see this?? No. Am I tired and burnt out? You bet. In the midst of homeschooling, a shrieking, whinny toddler, not a very productive school year... I sure feel like hanging the towel. Do I want to go out "to the world" and make money?? Eeehhh. To help my dh with the financial burden? Sure. However, I want to hope I am giving my fair share, by staying home and homeschooling the kids. I mean, it's just money... I really don't find it that important. When I die I hope my kids will remember the time I spent with them, and not how big was my paycheck (which gas been zero for almost 12 years).

My dream? That God provides us with enough so dh and I can retire at the same time...him from work, me from homeschooling. That we both have good health and get to enjoy our grandkids and great-grandchildren.

Do I ever want to go back to work?? I pray I don't. I have a busy life planned ahead!! More homeschooling, grandkids, scrapbooking, photography, travelling...just too much to do, too little time.

Praying for OP and everyone who's feeling sad, anxious etc.

Well, sure it sounds nice and altruistic to say, "it's just money, it's not important." But, it is important. Even altruistic goals require money. I'm a very frugal person, but I still have to pay for dental work and electricity and Lasagna.

 

When my kids were small, I had few, if any, moments where I felt I added little value to the family. I was doing something that must be done by oneself or else purchased - child care. But that isn't really true now. The things I now do are valuable, yes, but I am not the only possible route by which they could be accomplished. It's been eye-opening even to realize that teens need a parent around; I once thought you barely needed to do anything by then. (Ha, ha!)

[marbel]

Well, sure it sounds nice and altruistic to say, "it's just money, it's not important." But, it is important. Even altruistic goals require money. I'm a very frugal person, but I still have to pay for dental work and electricity and Lasagna.

 

<snip>

 

Yeah, I find "it's only money" to be a poor argument and little consolation to someone who can't make ends meet.  Sure, money is not the only thing, and there is nothing good to be said about chasing after more money for the sake of having more money.    Everyone knows that poverty affects children.  But even "not really poor but not quite making it" affects children.   My sister (who is 5 years older than I) remembers our family not having enough money when she was a kid.  I guess things evened out by the time I was able to notice.   That had an effect on the way she lived as an adult, not all of it good.

[SemiSweet]

People who say money isn't important generally haven't suffered much from a lack of it. Having bordered on homelessness a couple times in my life and applying for food stamps once tells a very different story about the importance of money. It absolutely is important and it also feels very good to earn some of it.

[Michelle My Bell]

Well, my divorce spurred me into action but I went back to school and it has opened up a world of possibilities for me. I am not done yet, but in just 5 short semesters I will be a nurse Lord willing! This coming from a girl who couldn't stand school when I was younger. I would encourage you to investigate this as a possibility to get started as your last child finishes up school. It could invigorate your husband knowing that some of the pressure of being the breadwinner will be relieved in just a few short years. It will give you something to be excited about and work hard on. It has literally changed my life to take this challenge upon myself. I am a completely different person than I was just a few short years ago. I am looking forward to so many new opportunities I couldn't possibly have had if I hadn't. 

[Wheres Toto]

I worked full time from before my oldest was born, had to go back when she was 7 weeks old and didn't become a SAHM until her brother was born when she was 11 years old.  While I do wish I could have been home with her more when she was younger (at least being there afterschool would have been great), I am sooooo glad I was able to be home for her tween/teen years.  I absolutely felt that she needed me, almost more than when she was younger.  She was able to do things she wouldn't have been able to do if I still worked and it was important that I could be there for her during the hormonal, angst-full years.  

 

There are things in place for younger kids with working parents - daycare, school, afterschool care, summer camps, etc.  Once they turn 12 or so, there is NOTHING.  Especially for the summers.  If you aren't okay with them being home by themselves all day long, and can't afford specialty programs, you are just out of luck. 

[regentrude]

Coming late to this thread, I wanted to chime in and say that I can relate, even though my life circumstances are different (I work, DH loves his job, and we are financially OK)- so maybe these thoughts are universal for the stage of life, and not particular to certain external situations. 

I got my education including PhD before I had kids, stayed home a few years when they were little (which did not agree with me), went to work part time, put kids in school, pulled them out in 5th/6th grade to homeschool, continued working part time. I increased to full time when DD left for college because I anticipated her leaving being difficult for me. 

Despite taking on  a big project at my job, drowning my feelings in busyness did not really work. Over the past two years, since DD left, I have been wrestling with feelings of loss and thoughts of "what is left?". My DS has one year homeschooling left, and I am ready to be done, but uncertain what the next chapter of my life will look like. I like my job and will continue, but I am feeling bored and unchallenged (I started a thread about this earlier this year). My grandmothers and great grandmother lived well into their nineties, so I am realistically looking at another fourty years ahead. That is too long to do the same old thing. My problem is that I don't have an idea what else I would want to do that is feasible within the local possibilities.

 

I went through a similar spell when my kids were little. I had achieved everything that I had planned for, and I did not really know what the next goal should be. Back then, what helped me work through depression was to take time for introspection and art - I wrote a lot that year - and to embrace a radical new challenge (we emigrated for DH's job). This summer, I have taken time to consciously focus on creativity. I have no idea where this will lead me; I am not intending to become a professional artist, but I find again that this is a helpful tool for me to uncover what is going on. For right now, I decided to roll with it, journal and write poetry and do the occasional art exercise, see where it takes me, and I feel more at peace even though I still do not have a "plan". But I feel more confident that, given enough time, a plan will emerge - if I stay in the creative zone and resist the urge to drown uncomfortable thoughts by watching netflix.

 

Sending best wishes to all who struggle with this stage of life. I think we are in a unique situation, because women nowadays have many more options for possible life paths than one or two generations ago - which may also be why we don't see it modeled very well for us.

Edited July 7, 2016 by regentrude

[DawnM]

I want to address the NEED to stay home that some have stated.  "What will it say in your obituary?" or, "No one said on their death bed that they wished they had spent more time in the office."

 

That isn't the point.

 

It isn't all or nothing.  It isn't neglect your children or spend every waking moment with them.

 

There are many, many successful parents/mothers who work, send their kids to school, have their kids in after school activities where they are not with them the whole time, etc......

 

I needed to be home for my child with Asperger's, for many reasons I won't go into now because I have already stated them throughout the years.  He is now doing very well and I feel confident going back to work.  My younger kids (now 16 and 12) will thrive in school.  16 year old went last year.  He is looking forward to going this Fall.  Youngest is my social kid and he will thrive there too.

 

I don't feel the least twinge of guilt or need to stay home with them because someday I will die and they will say in my obituary, "And then in 2016 our mother abandoned us to go back to work."

 

Oh, and for what it is worth, my two older children DID go to full time daycare, until they were 5 years old.  

 

I am going back to work for ME, I miss it, even after 10 solid years of staying home.  Everyone said, "OH, give it a full year or two and you will love it."  I have never, ever, ever loved it.  Never.  I have longed to get back to work.  I love working.

 

Another reason I am going back is to pay for the boys' college.  So far we have only offered the local 4 year school or the equivalent cost wise, because that is all we can do without going into debt and we refuse to go into debt.  But if I go back to work, we can offer more.  My two younger sons are 4 years apart, which will help, but that also means 8 years of college costs.

 

 

 

 

[purplejackmama]

Yeah, I find "it's only money" to be a poor argument and little consolation to someone who can't make ends meet. Sure, money is not the only thing, and there is nothing good to be said about chasing after more money for the sake of having more money. Everyone knows that poverty affects children. But even "not really poor but not quite making it" affects children. My sister (who is 5 years older than I) remembers our family not having enough money when she was a kid. I guess things evened out by the time I was able to notice. That had an effect on the way she lived as an adult, not all of it good.

Agreed. We lost every.thing. in the housing collapse and the "it's only money" thing, well that doesn't help when you're drowning. It's now 8 years later and the ripple effects of that VERY stressful period are still being felt. I'm forever changed and like your sister, I'm afraid of the damage on my big kids.

 

I think it's flippant to tell someone, "well it's just money, no big deal" because last time I checked we all NEED it.

 

Hope I didn't derail your great thread Quill. :)

Edited July 7, 2016 by purplejackmama

[purplejackmama]

DP

Edited July 7, 2016 by purplejackmama

[Bluegoat]

I find it interesting that so many people feel that homeschooling wasn't what they thought it would be - that their kids would have been just as well off in ps.  I think that would be a huge disappointment - very similar to people who go into a career and then come to the conclusion after many years that it is usless ormorally bankrupt or something similar.  Like it's been a waste.

 

But reading what everyone says, it strikes me that there are a few common themes.

 

One is that people are anticipating, both husbands and wives, living a good while longer AND needing to have someone working or bringing in income. I think when we are talking about a working life as long as 50 or 60 years, even 45, it is no wonder people want or need a change, for all kinds of reasons.  I have a friend whose father is a career councelor, and I know one of the things he talks to people a lot about is not feeling that the need for a change is a sign of some kind of failure.  That seems to be a really common response.

 

Another is feeling like the work people are qualified for after being out of the workforce is insignificant.  I think that is true and frustrating, but I also think it's important to remember that work of that kind - that is just a fairly mundane job - is the lot of many people, for their whole lives, and to some extent it is even work that needs to be done. 

 

I also think that some of this feeling is actually not about work - it is about ageing, and our feelings about that, our feelings about mortality.  I tend to think that is something that needs to be dealt with conciously - if we mistake it for anxiety about having a meaningful career, if it helps at all it is just a Band-Aid, and likely to fail when the Band-Aid is no longer in place.  We need to deal with our mortality, with the idea that our lives are in some sense limited, that one day we will be gone.  Most of us, I suspect, don't really believe that the worth of a person's life, in the larger sense, is really about having had an important career, but with our own situation, that can be simpler than thinking about the meaning of a life in a larger sense.

 

Also, I notice many people would like to go back, in some way, to their student days.  I think it's understandable, especially for anyone who didn't actually have that opportunity before ata ll.  But - it is so easy to idealize what we did when we were younger, or what could have been.  I loved being a student, it was exciting, and stimulating.  But even if I forget about the hormonal and social angst that accompanied all that, I can also remember what was the reasons I became tired of being a student, which were all tied up in no longer wanting to live like a student (on a shoestring and little stability) but also with wanting to actually do something that was a little more outward-looking and active.  After a while, the student life can start to seem a little-self indulgent, when it doesn't have a specific goal, or lead somewhere.

[Valley Girl]

I know; it's so true. If I were working, FT, I would feel guilt about some struggles my one son has..."Oh, see? I knew I shouldn't send him off to school! I have a fully funded IRA, but my kid needs counseling! I screwed up..."

 

Nope. Instead, I get to place alll the blame squarely on my own questionable teaching skills, whilst being fully aware that I don't have a fully-funded (or even barely-funded) IRA account...

 

That's the struggle. Homeschooling wasn't my choice. One kid would have excelled in school if he'd been teaching himself in cave somewhere. The other requires intensive one-on-one. But he resists school, so the successes (for me) feel few and far between. They're there, of course. I know that. I know he'd be lost in a traditional school setting. But it's hard to keep going day after day when it feels as though every step forward involves two back. I told my DH that I don't have any dreams anymore. The goals and things I've wanted in my adult life aren't unreasonable, but I'm at the point where I know they won't happen now.

 

It's like I'm at a crossroads, but I don't know which way any of the roads go. And I'm not sure where I'd even WANT them to go if I had a choice.

[DawnM]

I know; it's so true. If I were working, FT, I would feel guilt about some struggles my one son has..."Oh, see? I knew I shouldn't send him off to school! I have a fully funded IRA, but my kid needs counseling! I screwed up..."

 

Nope. Instead, I get to place alll the blame squarely on my own questionable teaching skills, whilst being fully aware that I don't have a fully-funded (or even barely-funded) IRA account...

 

 

Here is what I have been telling myself.  "You are doing the best you can for the circumstances at hand.  That may mean different decisions at different times."

 

It is ok if someone thinks you are making a mistake.  Heck, we all have had resistance from those who don't get homeschooling.  We have done it anyway.  So, what if we get resistance or criticism when sending them TO school.  So what.  we do what we think is best and move on.  We even change our minds sometimes!

 

It is all ok.

[Bluegoat]

I read an artcle this morning, which I think is really about the same phenomena.  I don't think I'm allowed to link, but it is called "The mid-career drift - women step off the corporate ladder" and is in Chatelaine magazine.  It has some interesting statistics about women in the workplace.

[mamiof5]

Well, sure it sounds nice and altruistic to say, "it's just money, it's not important." But, it is important. Even altruistic goals require money. I'm a very frugal person, but I still have to pay for dental work and electricity and Lasagna.

 

When my kids were small, I had few, if any, moments where I felt I added little value to the family. I was doing something that must be done by oneself or else purchased - child care. But that isn't really true now. The things I now do are valuable, yes, but I am not the only possible route by which they could be accomplished. It's been eye-opening even to realize that teens need a parent around; I once thought you barely needed to do anything by then. (Ha, ha!)

Lol!!! I have bad news for you... we have a young adult, and she still needs us. Like a baby, a toddler or a teen ? No. Their needs change.

 

And I totally see the money thing...yes, of course it matters...we need money for medical, dental, food etc..we all know how it goes. And I find myself fortunate, not wealthy, but not lacking. I don't know, I just try my best to count my blessings...pray and hope that I'm doing my fair share at home, and also pray the Lord will provide.

Edited July 7, 2016 by mamiof5

[LynnS]

Reading this thread has made me feel so much less alone. I had a solid 18 year career in a technical field (I'm an older mom), but I was pretty burned out on it due to stress, pager rotations, and lots of weekend/evening work. Once my son was born, staying home with him was appealing for multiple reasons. Being a SAHM when he was an infant/toddler/preschooler had the usual ups and downs, but I loved taking him to parks and museums, doing crafts, etc. Now that we're really homeschooling, I'm beginning to feel the total lack of validation. Maybe because SAHMs of small children aren't really expected to produce measurable results, but homeschool moms seem to have to justify that they're doing better than the public and private alternatives. I am trying extremely hard to avoid the pernicious trap of living vicariously through my child or allowing my self-esteem to ride on how smoothly "school" is going or how "advanced" he is. The whole point of homeschooling is NOT to pressure the child and kill their love of learning. When there's no paycheck, no glowing yearly review, no list of completed projects and happy customers, no praise from the boss, what the heck do you base your self-worth on? 

 

Then there's the fact that I've been out of the workforce long enough that it would be a serious struggle to get back up to speed in a very fast-moving technical field. I was always one of the few women in the groups I worked in (often the only one), and I feel like leaving has just provided more evidence that women can't hack it, and made it harder for other women trying to move into that type of position. I really empathize with a previous poster who feels "stuck" homeschooling; one of the reasons we're homeschooling is because our local schools are truly awful. If did go back to work, I'd either be putting my son into very substandard educational situation, or we'd be scrambling to get him into a private school (extremely pricey in our area).  I feel like this entire decision may have been an awful mistake, but I don't know what to do about it. Every year that goes by, I feel like I'm getting farther away from doing anything meaningful with my life, and as a bonus, I may be screwing up my kid in the process. 

[SereneHome]

I think it's so much harder (for me, at least) to see the efforts and results of you work when you are a HSing SAHP. 

 

I was an accountant, doing financial statements analysis and budgets for corporations.  It was very gratifying to see my work in books published for SEC or annual reports that were going to thousands of shareholders and BOD.  But of course, I was very replaceable and on some level I was OK with that bc there are millions of other equally qualified accountants out there.

 

But doing what I am doing now - and not seeing the result of my efforts and still thinking - am I replaceable?  That's the hard part.  My children could be going to daycare and thriving.  And going to school and thriving.  But how can that be???  There are not millions of their "other" moms out there, so how can I be that replaceable in something so personal?  And yet....
 

I think that is the part that makes me contemplate things the most.  Before I could pinpoint where I brought in value.  It was so obvious.  Now?  Not so much.

 

Money matters.  Family matters.  Our personal fulfillment matters.  The trick is to find the perfect balance for all it.  I am sure there are people who found it.  I want to be one of them when I grow up.

[SereneHome]

Reading this thread has made me feel so much less alone. I had a solid 18 year career in a technical field (I'm an older mom), but I was pretty burned out on it due to stress, pager rotations, and lots of weekend/evening work. Once my son was born, staying home with him was appealing for multiple reasons. Being a SAHM when he was an infant/toddler/preschooler had the usual ups and downs, but I loved taking him to parks and museums, doing crafts, etc. Now that we're really homeschooling, I'm beginning to feel the total lack of validation. Maybe because SAHMs of small children aren't really expected to produce measurable results, but homeschool moms seem to have to justify that they're doing better than the public and private alternatives. I am trying extremely hard to avoid the pernicious trap of living vicariously through my child or allowing my self-esteem to ride on how smoothly "school" is going or how "advanced" he is. The whole point of homeschooling is NOT to pressure the child and kill their love of learning. When there's no paycheck, no glowing yearly review, no list of completed projects and happy customers, no praise from the boss, what the heck do you base your self-worth on? 

 

Then there's the fact that I've been out of the workforce long enough that it would be a serious struggle to get back up to speed in a very fast-moving technical field. I was always one of the few women in the groups I worked in (often the only one), and I feel like leaving has just provided more evidence that women can't hack it, and made it harder for other women trying to move into that type of position. I really empathize with a previous poster who feels "stuck" homeschooling; one of the reasons we're homeschooling is because our local schools are truly awful. If did go back to work, I'd either be putting my son into very substandard educational situation, or we'd be scrambling to get him into a private school (extremely pricey in our area).  I feel like this entire decision may have been an awful mistake, but I don't know what to do about it. Every year that goes by, I feel like I'm getting farther away from doing anything meaningful with my life, and as a bonus, I may be screwing up my kid in the process. 

 

You said it a lot more concisely  EXACTLY what I was trying to say.

 

 

[mamiof5]

I am going back to work for ME, I miss it, even after 10 solid years of staying home. Everyone said, "OH, give it a full year or two and you will love it." I have never, ever, ever loved it. Never. I have longed to get back to work. I love working.

 

I think this is a big part of it. WHAT DO YOU LOVE? Career and working is just not it for me. I don't miss it (only once in a great blue moon my mind goes in the "what if" zone...but it gets out of there so quickly!). I LOVE being at home, with its ups and downs...I love my lifestyle. I really do hope and pray I never have to go to work again. Not that I don't want to contribute to my family... just hope I can contribute in different ways.

[Arcadia]

I was always one of the few women in the groups I worked in (often the only one), and I feel like leaving has just provided more evidence that women can't hack it, and made it harder for other women trying to move into that type of position.

I was the only lady engineer in a computer engineering dept out of more than a hundred in my MNC's regional headcount. They did not hire a lady to replace of course so it's all male for the past decade.

 

The public schools here are average, my hubby is just worried about academic stagnation which is why we went with public charter and then homeschool. Academic stagnation is a big worry among his similar age colleagues so they are pouring time and money to afterschooling as some have a spouse (husbands too) out of job (layoff) and their family are dependent on their employer subsidized medical insurance.

 

ETA:

My ex-classmates who were in tech and SAHMs has started their own companies and are now in the black. It was too hard to re-join after a decade out of work so they start their own business.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Arcadia

[Bluegoat]

I think the thing with money is that it is in some cases about getting by, but in a lot of cases it is also about social value or external validation.  The first of those is pretty practical for many people.  But the others - it isn't always healthy to get hung up on them.

[SereneHome]

I think the thing with money is that it is in some cases about getting by, but in a lot of cases it is also about social value or external validation.  The first of those is pretty practical for many people.  But the others - it isn't always healthy to get hung up on them.

 

I am very hung up on money aspect not bc of any kind of validation but bc I think my financial independence is the very best gift I can give my children.

 

My MIL never worked.  And they were and still are very poor.  A lot of their "poorness" is due to the fact that they don't know how to manage money.  But also FIL never made that much.

 

Neither FIL nor MIL ever wanted MIL to work. Even before they had kids or after my husband and his sister were grown.

 

They ask us for money  A LOT!  And you know what?  I don't like it.  And I very much resent them for it.  Bc I think one part of being a good parent is to not burden your children if you can help it.  I think they could have helped it but didn't want to.

[mamiof5]

After reading some of the responses to my "it's just money" comment I feel I need to clarify the context.

 

This was not a thread on poverty, makibg ends meet etc. My heart goes out to those who have monetary troubles. The OP had posted about feeling stuck, and finding value in what you do, and I responded to that. I was raised by a single mom, who had to work very hard to support my sister and I. And I understand the financial importance, but she liked investments, liked buying us stuff, properties (apartments, houses etc). There was a sacrifice for that. Very little quality time with us, constant stress and hitting us and harming us physically due to the stress at work. And it's ok, I don't judge her...but it has given me a base to know what I don't want.

 

Also, we sent our oldest to PS. Yes, she's fine. If I could do it again, would go back in time and homeschool her.

 

Based on that background...I do find value in what I do. I hope I am giving our kids the best I got. Teaching them about our faith, taking them to Adoration and praying a daily rosary, teaching them about helping others. The little things, a family life, how to cook etc, etc...just things probably I wouldn't have time for if I was working. I didn't when I was working full time and had only one child.

 

Also... recognition, praise...measuring my accomplishments...yeah, kind of hard when I am at home. But a heartfelt thanks, or a "mom, you are the best!" from my people just does it for me.

 

Am I going to have a big college savings for our kids? Nope. Not even close. But I hope and pray that what we are giving them will be lifetime tools that will help them when life gets tough. I hope and pray that when they look back in their childhood they have happy memories for most part, and I'd rather they remember me spending too much time with them, instead of not enough.

 

With all that in mind...then yeah, "it's just money". And it's a perfect valid argument for me. I do find value in what I do, lots of it...and I hope life doesn't prove me wrong.

[LLMom]

OP, I feel exactly the same.  I have been a mom for 26 years.  I haven't worked for pay on a full time basis since then. (a couple of part time stints early on, but other than that, nothing)  I have a degree in child development and I don't want to work in that field.  I am burned out on all things relating to kids.  I have no idea what I love to do so I can't even say I would like to go back to school.  Neglected myself way too long so I don't know what I like anymore.  How does one go about finding that out?  And yes, I am homeschooling 2 again this coming year (6th and 8th graders) and my 10th grader will be at public school.  I want to do some kind of work for pay.

[PhotoGal]

I don't know. What could everyone possibly be doing that is not "wasting" their lives?  You could be a CEO making millions - you might live in comfort, but you can't take it with you when you die.  You could be a great doctor - but your patients will all die eventually. I mean, fast forward 100 or 200 years... 99.9999% of people will be forgotten. I'm not trying to be depressing, I'm just saying that it makes no sense to view life as a *destination* that you must reach. Like if you only got such and such degree or had such and such career, you would reach the finish line of "success". That isn't what life really is. 

 

You are worthy right now. You are a worthy human being. You have inherent worth. You make the meaning in your life. It doesn't matter what people say at your funeral (you won't be there to care!). Other people don't make the meaning from your life, you do. And you don't need to "achieve" anything to have that meaning. You aren't going to find it traveling the world or getting a PhD or making a million dollars. You can only find it within yourself.

[regentrude]

. What could everyone possibly be doing that is not "wasting" their lives?  You could be a CEO making millions - you might live in comfort, but you can't take it with you when you die.  You could be a great doctor - but your patients will all die eventually. I mean, fast forward 100 or 200 years... 99.9999% of people will be forgotten. I'm not trying to be depressing, I'm just saying that it makes no sense to view life as a *destination* that you must reach. Like if you only got such and such degree or had such and such career, you would reach the finish line of "success". That isn't what life really is. 

 

You are worthy right now. You are a worthy human being. You have inherent worth. You make the meaning in your life. It doesn't matter what people say at your funeral (you won't be there to care!). Other people don't make the meaning from your life, you do. And you don't need to "achieve" anything to have that meaning. You aren't going to find it traveling the world or getting a PhD or making a million dollars. You can only find it within yourself.

 

To me, the bolded question is talking about something different than achieving a great career with external success.

To me, wasting my life would mean that I never used the talents I have, that I stayed below my potential. I see it as a responsibility to myself (and possibly to the world) to use my abilities to the greatest possible extent - I know for sure that I am happier when I do that, instead of merely existing. 

I think the need to achieve something is a deep seated human craving. I think saying "you don't need to achieve anything to have meaning" does not honor this need. It may be more beneficial to examine the various kinds of achievement, some of them fleeting, that can contribute to a sense of accomplishment and contentment. Raising and home educating children is an achievement, growing your own food is an achievement, mastering a new skill is. It is, however, not my experience that people are happy and content without achieving anything. The happiest people I know are those who take pride in their work (and work does not have to mean a paid job outside the home)

Of course there are tradeoffs: while I am using my talents to be a nurturing mother I cannot use that same time and energy to create poetry that touches hearts, or make beautiful handmade furniture that brings joy to its owners, or contribute to scientific innovations. Every minute of time can be spent only once. The important thing is to spend it mindfully, and in hindsight to see that the things the minutes were spent on, mattered.

Edited July 7, 2016 by regentrude

[elegantlion]

Yeah, I find "it's only money" to be a poor argument and little consolation to someone who can't make ends meet.  Sure, money is not the only thing, and there is nothing good to be said about chasing after more money for the sake of having more money.    Everyone knows that poverty affects children.  But even "not really poor but not quite making it" affects children.   My sister (who is 5 years older than I) remembers our family not having enough money when she was a kid.  I guess things evened out by the time I was able to notice.   That had an effect on the way she lived as an adult, not all of it good.

 

"it's only money" also does not compute when you have hungry teenagers. We're moving out of this period, but there was a time right after our separation that having enough money for groceries was a big deal (we did get food aid soon after that). It's very hard to tell your already too skinny child that you can either have healthy food or food to last all week, pick one. 

 

As for the blahs, yes, I get my life is greatly enhanced by my son's presence, my mother's love. Those are real, no question. Beyond that, I want something that is mine. As Regentrude said, to live up to my potential. I'm not there yet and not sure I have the stamina left to get there now. 

[Guest]

I think the thing with money is that it is in some cases about getting by, but in a lot of cases it is also about social value or external validation. The first of those is pretty practical for many people. But the others - it isn't always healthy to get hung up on them.

That would be true if I simply wanted more money - two earners. But that's not it for me. It's the goal of letting DH semi-retire. It's replacing the missing income that we've been living on and lifting some of the burden that he's borne for two decades.

 

Once in a while,DH will speak in glowing terms about so-and-so's wife, who has a master's, or this other wife, who is hospital administrator now. I feel defensive and jealous. He isn't trying to make a point to me, I don't think, but there's a part of me that wishes that were me, that wants for him to be able to relax a bit, that wants that praise.

 

So, yeah, pay is a way of validation, but even just activity is. It's not for nothing that I was thinking this as I was cleaning out the fridge. Because now, the fridge is clean and nothing in there is funky or expired. There are no longer three jars of the same kind of pickles. But...so? Who could possibly care about that? I mean, it's satisfying in a small way, but it doesn't amount to much at the end of the day.

 

It's just that sometimes, when DH comes home at the end of the day and there I am, sitting like Garga's fat cat, on my nice sunroom couch, with me tea and my iPad - I feel like a mooch.

[Guest]

Coming late to this thread, I wanted to chime in and say that I can relate, even though my life circumstances are different (I work, DH loves his job, and we are financially OK)- so maybe these thoughts are universal for the stage of life, and not particular to certain external situations.

I got my education including PhD before I had kids, stayed home a few years when they were little (which did not agree with me), went to work part time, put kids in school, pulled them out in 5th/6th grade to homeschool, continued working part time. I increased to full time when DD left for college because I anticipated her leaving being difficult for me.

Despite taking on a big project at my job, drowning my feelings in busyness did not really work. Over the past two years, since DD left, I have been wrestling with feelings of loss and thoughts of "what is left?". My DS has one year homeschooling left, and I am ready to be done, but uncertain what the next chapter of my life will look like. I like my job and will continue, but I am feeling bored and unchallenged (I started a thread about this earlier this year). My grandmothers and great grandmother lived well into their nineties, so I am realistically looking at another fourty years ahead. That is too long to do the same old thing. My problem is that I don't have an idea what else I would want to do that is feasible within the local possibilities.

 

I went through a similar spell when my kids were little. I had achieved everything that I had planned for, and I did not really know what the next goal should be. Back then, what helped me work through depression was to take time for introspection and art - I wrote a lot that year - and to embrace a radical new challenge (we emigrated for DH's job). This summer, I have taken time to consciously focus on creativity. I have no idea where this will lead me; I am not intending to become a professional artist, but I find again that this is a helpful tool for me to uncover what is going on. For right now, I decided to roll with it, journal and write poetry and do the occasional art exercise, see where it takes me, and I feel more at peace even though I still do not have a "plan". But I feel more confident that, given enough time, a plan will emerge - if I stay in the creative zone and resist the urge to drown uncomfortable thoughts by watching netflix.

 

Sending best wishes to all who struggle with this stage of life. I think we are in a unique situation, because women nowadays have many more options for possible life paths than one or two generations ago - which may also be why we don't see it modeled very well for us.

I think the bolded is an interesting point. I feel currently like I'm in a very juicy creative phase. Throughout my life, there have been points when I feel very creative and, at least some of the time, it coincides with this same restless energy.

[regentrude]

I think the bolded is an interesting point. I feel currently like I'm in a very juicy creative phase. Throughout my life, there have been points when I feel very creative and, at least some of the time, it coincides with this same restless energy.

 

I'd like to recommend a great book that helped me a lot when I was in a difficult spot: Julia Cameron's The Artists Way.

The tools and exercises she offers work even if you're not an artist; I found writing the morning pages espeically beneficial, even though I could not always get to it in the morning.

[Happy]

What an interesting thread!

 

Along the idea of money isn't everything.... My motivations for working now  (post homeschooling) are threefold.

 

One is to take some of the day to day pressure off DH and build a retirement fund.

 

Two is to provide a few extras--updated appliances, hardwood floors, etc. A yearly family trip is included in that. Even though my birds have flown the nest, I want to continue to build family relationships and memories.

 

Three--is to help fund my grandchildren's college funds. I've noticed over the years the kiddoes who have a grandparent with dollars don't have student debt. Maybe they drive a nicer car because granddad helped them buy it. Maybe they get a nice chunk o' cash for their first house down payment. I would SO like to bless my gkids that way. My children did not have grands like that. Neither did my husband or I, but I see the value in earning dollars for my children and grands to inherit.

 

Off to work so I can achieve these goals.

 

 

[Happy]

I'd like to recommend a great book that helped me a lot when I was in a difficult spot: Julia Cameron's The Artists Way.

The tools and exercises she offers work even if you're not an artist; I found writing the morning pages espeically beneficial, even though I could not always get to it in the morning.

Love, love, love that book!

[Arcadia]

A yearly family trip is included in that. Even though my birds have flown the nest, I want to continue to build family relationships and memories.

My parents did that for my family and my brother's family. By the time we were financially better, my mom could not walk much due to rheumatoid arthritis. So my kids had wonderful 3 generations family vacations before mom can't walk much because my parents bank rolled them. My brother's family is just above the poverty line and his wife is rethinking about being a SAHM.

 

My in-laws need financial help not because they didn't save but because they didn't expect cost of living to go up so much in 30 years. If my MIL had known, she would have continued working full time as grandparents provided free childcare and kids were public schooled all the way. So my hubby is thankful my parents are financially okay and even bails us out in hard times. Both my paternal and maternal grandparents were financially stable with savings when they passed which helped my parents, aunts and uncles a lot.

 

Being financially okay in the senior years is really a gift to your kids and future grandkids.

[Guest]

I'd like to recommend a great book that helped me a lot when I was in a difficult spot: Julia Cameron's The Artists Way.

The tools and exercises she offers work even if you're not an artist; I found writing the morning pages espeically beneficial, even though I could not always get to it in the morning.

I'm sure it's good. I have a different book of hers, The Right to Write."

 

ETA: serendipity! I went to Amazon to look this up and look what else she has written: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Never-Late-Begin-Again/dp/0399174214/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1467926991&sr=8-4&keywords=the+artists+way+by+julia+cameron

Edited July 7, 2016 by Quill

[Lisa R.]

I can relate to what many of you are saying. I'd like to share my story as someone who's "been there" and found a solution that worked for me.

 

I started homeschooling when oldest child was four years old. Fast forward, I was still homeschooling 15 years afterwards. We'd had three cross country moves and ended up in a place where I had difficulty finding a solid community. I'd been looking for a good social group for the kids with solid academics. We found classes and groups that sort of worked, but not particularly well. I found that my community was drying up as well and realized I was slowly withering. My two older kids had the small and often undependable social circle and I was realizing my two younger kids were headed for much of the same.

 

I knew my life was out of balance, and I was determined to get it back in balance.

 

My oldest went off to college and the second was well on his way to finishing high school. I enrolled the younger two in a classical, university model school. I had two days/week to myself for the first time in 20 years. I was only 5 hours each of those days, but I hardly knew what to do with myself--*in a good way*. They were receiving a SWB/TWTM education without me planning all of it along with a friend group. I was satisfied with the school but still needed a challenge myself. Who would hire me after being out of the workforce over 20 years? My college degree wasn't outdated but  I had almost nothing to put on a resume. Also, I needed to be home three days/week as my kids were only in school two days.

 

After a couple years I started volunteering at the school. I ended up taking on a rather large project at the school that really challenged me and introduced me to a number of friends. I was hired the following year in a small part time job. (I actually saw a job opening and got up the nerve to ask for it.) This led to me being offered a job in admission for the following year. I now work from the school on the days my kids are at school. I work from home a small amount the other days. If I need to take off early from school because my child's basketball game, they are enthusiastic about it. "I hope they do well!" is called out as I go out the door. They are creating a great work/life  balance for me here. 

 

I now have a part time job that gives me the challenge. While private schools don't offer lots of money, I'm able to make connections with people, build my resume, gain valuable experience, and challenge myself. I'm so grateful. This school is also the only place I can think of that would work with the ridiculous hours I have available to work. (I can work outside the home from 8am-2:30pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and part of Friday.) 

 

I never saw this coming. I put my kids in a place where they could thrive. I volunteered. This led to a job. I feel like a new person. I'm also hopeful my daughters can see that balancing a family and a job can work. I've encouraged them to look at careers where this is possible. My oldest is now a nurse and my youngest daughter is also looking at the health care profession. Honestly, I think I would've been a better wife and mother if I'd had more balance in my life earlier. I have it now but it took a long to to realize I needed this balance and several more years to get it. I hope my daughters have that balance sooner than I did. 

 

 

[Bluegoat]

That would be true if I simply wanted more money - two earners. But that's not it for me. It's the goal of letting DH semi-retire. It's replacing the missing income that we've been living on and lifting some of the burden that he's borne for two decades.

 

Once in a while,DH will speak in glowing terms about so-and-so's wife, who has a master's, or this other wife, who is hospital administrator now. I feel defensive and jealous. He isn't trying to make a point to me, I don't think, but there's a part of me that wishes that were me, that wants for him to be able to relax a bit, that wants that praise.

 

So, yeah, pay is a way of validation, but even just activity is. It's not for nothing that I was thinking this as I was cleaning out the fridge. Because now, the fridge is clean and nothing in there is funky or expired. There are no longer three jars of the same kind of pickles. But...so? Who could possibly care about that? I mean, it's satisfying in a small way, but it doesn't amount to much at the end of the day.

 

It's just that sometimes, when DH comes home at the end of the day and there I am, sitting like Garga's fat cat, on my nice sunroom couch, with me tea and my iPad - I feel like a mooch.

 

I think wanting to allow your dh to relax is a great goal.  As far as external validation - that's a powerful thing for a lot of people, too, but it doesn't apply to every person or every instance.

 

But - the fridge thing - you know, someone does have to do that kind of stuff.  Maybe it doesn't have to happen once a week, or a month, but it is the sort of job that tends to get bigger the longer you let it go.  So I don't think it is true that it doesn't amount to much - all of those small things that keep things running - yes, they are small, but they are actually something.  A heck of a lot of paid jobs are about doing those same kinds of little things, but for someone else.

[BlsdMama]

Well, sure it sounds nice and altruistic to say, "it's just money, it's not important." But, it is important. Even altruistic goals require money. I'm a very frugal person, but I still have to pay for dental work and electricity and Lasagna.

 

When my kids were small, I had few, if any, moments where I felt I added little value to the family. I was doing something that must be done by oneself or else purchased - child care. But that isn't really true now. The things I now do are valuable, yes, but I am not the only possible route by which they could be accomplished. It's been eye-opening even to realize that teens need a parent around; I once thought you barely needed to do anything by then. (Ha, ha!)

 

 

I remember saying, so many times it could be called a mantra, "children aren't expensive, people are."  Cue smile and knowing nod.

 

LOL, no, people are expensive.  Growing people with root canals and appetites, and growing feet, and homes to put those people in... They cost money.  And while what I said really *is* true (lifestyles are expensive) it's just too easy to pooh pooh how you're feeling and sweetly talk about magic moments.

 

But I'd also add I am not sure I buy the whole mid life crisis.  IMO, when a person feels trapped then you go out and fill that perhaps?  The shiny car?  The materialistic purchase?  But deciding that you want to make a left hand turn at 50 isn't a midlife crisis.  Frankly I think it is simply a very thoughtful evaluation - is this what you want to do?  You're feeling discontent.  Do you want to keep going down the same road? No?  Okay, where to?  And then take some time to consider.  

 

I don't think it makes you remotely off the wall, though I do question people who don't like what they are doing and still continue despite the payoff not being worthy.

 

Now, I should say that I think the benefits of homeschooling are so high, so great, so incredible, that every effort should be made to keep toiling towards that end.  BUT OH MY GOODNESS!  Why must it look only one way?  Biblically I have to say I have no intention of leaving my mandate of loving my husband and children, caring for my home, and living out my Christian life.  But I have no idea why that can't encompass ministering to those around you and really using the gifts God gave each of us.

 

I have daydreams of equipping homeschooling mamas with the ability to remediate and help their kiddos with special learning issues.  So many of us absolutely burn out -- and are encouraged to leave teaching the kids with learning differences to the "pros" while damaging those same kids.  

 

No, Danielle, I cannot believe God gave you the mind He gave you for the purpose of ???  Making sure the kitchen table is shiny?  I just don't know what I would DO all day with DH gone and me at home?  I like to knit.... well enough.  I like to garden.  I like to watch my chickens and putz around the house.  But, honestly?  I light up when discussing reading and learning differences.  I get to sit with DS tomorrow during a functional MRI and a cognitive eval and I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas.

 

God bless the mamas who want nothing more than to be at home all day.  I think it's a precious gift that we are all uniquely gifted and made.  And I will also be so glad that my house is a home and strive to make it that way while connecting with my children and my grandchildren.... AND nurture precious mamas and their tender selves who are just plain raw from trying to homeschool kids that take that extra 150% when they are wiped out. 

[LucyStoner]

There is a big space between needing money to not starve and seeing money as one's primary source of external validation or extra consumer goods. A space where money matters but is absolutely not about silly or selfish considerations. Most single income families I know personally fall into that middle space. I think it's misplaced to consign money concerns for those not in poverty to foolish or selfish motivations.

 

We don't come close to starving but our kids do go without some potentially beneficial things we could provide if I had a fulltime salary. That's just the cold hard truth, especially for a family like mine where two kids have special needs and there are services not covered by insurance.

 

Sometimes I am confident that we made the right choice, choosing time and education over acquiring more financial resources in the short term. And then other times, I do wonder if the path we are taking will be the best one in the long term. I think it is sensible to see the opportunity costs and the positives and negatives on each option. Unless one is tied to an ideology, they are going to see the nuances in these choices.

Edited July 7, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Guest]

I have daydreams of equipping homeschooling mamas with the ability to remediate and help their kiddos with special learning issues. So many of us absolutely burn out -- and are encouraged to leave teaching the kids with learning differences to the "pros" while damaging those same kids.

I have similar daydreams. Or even just counseling people. It is so hard to be that misunderstood person. It is such a relief when you feel someone is not judging, but listening...yeah, I can imagine doing something like this. Maybe. It's not something I can just go do tomorrow, though.

 

Also, you said about mid-life crisis and you have some skepticism: I really do think brain chemistry and hormones have an enormous impact at this phase. I feel like I was watching DH change for several years; now, he's at the tail end of that and I? I am like 13 again. TOP OF THE WORLD! bottom of the ocean. I CAN CONQUER ALL! i can barely force myself to go buy groceries.

 

It's maddening.

[aaplank]

I can identify so much with what has been said here, and my head is swirling with so many thoughts that I don't know if I have the energy to articulate them all.

 

But two things I feel like I need to say to Quill -

 

1. ) Consider doing a full hormone work up. Wonky hormones can really do a number on you. I had a hysterectomy this year and being thrown immediately into menopause has been tough. I recently had a hormone work- up And it was a relief to realize that so much of feeling miserable was hormone related.

 

2.). A few years ago I put the kids in school and worked full time. It was a complete life change for our whole family. ( My husband works 12 hour days, 6 days a week. I pretty much took care of everything else. )

When I went back to work in my career field, it was made clear very early on how much I actually did contribute to the family even though I didn't earn a paycheck. My daughter was in the process of being diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. My husband had to take time off work to care for her because I didn't have the flexibility in my work schedule like he had. Also, other household and family needs had to be met by him because of this new arrangement. My husband works by commission only, so it was starting to impact his income.

Soon my duaghter's health deteriorated to the point I had to quit my job.

However I'm grateful for the experience of that time because my husband and I really got to see first-hand that this family would fall apart if I didn't keep it going. For us, him working crazy long hours and me doing everything else works for us. It's the only way right now. Yes, it's hard and I feel like maybe all this effort and energy into building this homeschool life is not all that important after all, but at least I know that my husband doesn't take me for granted anymore. I know that I contribute, and without my contribution my husband's career would be significantly impacted.

 

It seems like you also contribute greatly to your husband's success and without your hand in the business, it could have a negative impact. Also, if your son has any learning issues, your direct involvement and the time investment you need to make in order to give him the resources he needs to succeed are invaluable. As his mom, there is no one who can do that part better than you. Even if you were to farm out his education to others, you would still need to oversee and manage the remediation process.

 

So don't sell yourself short. Maybe your family contribution is not glamorous or a well-paid position or even earns the respect of others around you, but you should know your worth. Hopefully once you have an empty nest, you can take out that tucked away dream and pursue it!!

[-M-]

Deleted. Hmm. As true and carefully stated as my post was, it may not have been what you sought.

Edited July 11, 2016 by M--

[-M-]

I can identify so much with what has been said here, and my head is swirling with so many thoughts that I don't know if I have the energy to articulate them all.

 

But two things I feel like I need to say to Quill -

 

1. ) Consider doing a full hormone work up. Wonky hormones can really do a number on you. I had a hysterectomy this year and being thrown immediately into menopause has been tough. I recently had a hormone work- up And it was a relief to realize that so much of feeling miserable was hormone related.

 

2.). A few years ago I put the kids in school and worked full time. It was a complete life change for our whole family. ( My husband works 12 hour days, 6 days a week. I pretty much took care of everything else. )

When I went back to work in my career field, it was made clear very early on how much I actually did contribute to the family even though I didn't earn a paycheck. My daughter was in the process of being diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. My husband had to take time off work to care for her because I didn't have the flexibility in my work schedule like he had. Also, other household and family needs had to be met by him because of this new arrangement. My husband works by commission only, so it was starting to impact his income.

Soon my duaghter's health deteriorated to the point I had to quit my job.

However I'm grateful for the experience of that time because my husband and I really got to see first-hand that this family would fall apart if I didn't keep it going. For us, him working crazy long hours and me doing everything else works for us. It's the only way right now. Yes, it's hard and I feel like maybe all this effort and energy into building this homeschool life is not all that important after all, but at least I know that my husband doesn't take me for granted anymore. I know that I contribute, and without my contribution my husband's career would be significantly impacted.

 

It seems like you also contribute greatly to your husband's success and without your hand in the business, it could have a negative impact. Also, if your son has any learning issues, your direct involvement and the time investment you need to make in order to give him the resources he needs to succeed are invaluable. As his mom, there is no one who can do that part better than you. Even if you were to farm out his education to others, you would still need to oversee and manage the remediation process.

 

So don't sell yourself short. Maybe your family contribution is not glamorous or a well-paid position or even earns the respect of others around you, but you should know your worth. Hopefully once you have an empty nest, you can take out that tucked away dream and pursue it!!

 

So much wisdom and encouragement here.

 

 

[-M-]

Just indulge me a moment. Yeah, I know it's not rare to get to the midway point in life and just go, "What the hell am I doing?" But it could also be that this is more common in homeschooling circles than out. I just feel like: what am I doing? My life is so pointless. There's not much more of that cheery potential that exists when the kids are small; now I'm just trying to muddle through my last year or two of HSing my remaining student.

 

Money is part of this picture. I see DH is soooooo done with being the earner. (He's a contractor.) The constant need to shake the money tree, the arguments with payers, the debates about jobs that are over his head or just undesirable in some way. He left this morning at 4:30am because he has a job in D.C. If he felt at liberty, he would have turned that job down. So then I am convulsed with guilt because I feel like a taker. But I'm also not in a position to spring into the job market, even if I put DS in school. It's not as though I have some amazing, in-demand job skills and degree just waiting to be put to use.

 

I'm just thinking, as I clean out the fridge of furry cheddar and mysterious take-out that got smooshed to the back behind the yogurt, "What the hell am I doing? With my life? With my brain? With my anything?" My kids are terrific, but of course, I can't know that is all down to me, this awesomely attentive mothering they have had. Maybe they would have been just as well had they trotted off to school at 5, just as most all others do. Maybe they would even be better.

 

Cheer me up, mates. I'm at the bottom.

 

 

ETA: fixed title typo

 

I answered the question in your post title above, but in terms of cheering you up, I don't think you can do better than aaplank's post. "Don't sell yourself short."

Edited July 11, 2016 by M--