DH wants to stop preventing pregnancy ... again.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I admit, I would love another little one.  At the same time, two years ago I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks and then again in April I miscarriage at 12 weeks.  I carried those pregnancies for 3-4 weeks after I knew the pregnancy would likely not make it and  the process was incredibly difficult.  I want a baby, but I don't want to go through THAT again.  I'm so torn.  Any experiences, thoughts, etc?  Words of encouragement or words of warning, all are welcome :)

 

ETA:  I'm 38 if that matters to anyone at all ;)

 

Edited July 4, 2016 by Attolia

[emzhengjiu]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Praying for you.  Have you considered a conference with your OB to see what he or she thinks about another pregnancy?  Also, perhaps consider adoption or fostering young children. 

[maize]

Could you meet with a fertility specialist and see if you can uncover the reasons behind the miscarriages? 

[prairiewindmomma]

I would focus on nutrition for a period of 3-6 months as there are some specific nutritional things that can be done to improve egg health and viability. I would have your husband do vitamins as well.  Not only will you be in a healthier place should you choose to conceive, you will also have some time for added contemplation right now.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Praying for you.  Have you considered a conference with your OB to see what he or she thinks about another pregnancy?  Also, perhaps consider adoption or fostering young children. 

 

 

I switched OB's before these miscarriages and they really haven't cared to investigate the why.  They have literally just shrugged it off.  I have decided that I am changing OBs.  I will find someone who will run some tests, etc and make sure this isn't a mama problem.  Because I'm over 35 they are assuming it is all genetic issues but what if it isn't?  I have auto immune issues and there is a clotting disorder that can couple with that and cause pregnancy loss.  I just want someone who will at least investigate that.  If that makes sense?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well my thought is it is getting to the point where maybe it is now or never.  You don't know if you are running out of time to have more kids, but the odds lean in that direction.  So either you do want another one or you don't.

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

I would focus on nutrition for a period of 3-6 months as there are some specific nutritional things that can be done to improve egg health and viability. I would have your husband do vitamins as well.  Not only will you be in a healthier place should you choose to conceive, you will also have some time for added contemplation right now.  

I agree with the above and your plan of switching OBs to someone who will delve into what might have caused the earlier problems.  And if there is any chance at all you will really want a child I would do all of this right now, rather than later.  It may take time to tweak things out and as Sparkly mentioned, you don't know how much time you have left to be fertile.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

I switched OB's before these miscarriages and they really haven't cared to investigate the why. They have literally just shrugged it off. I have decided that I am changing OBs. I will find someone who will run some tests, etc and make sure this isn't a mama problem. Because I'm over 35 they are assuming it is all genetic issues but what if it isn't? I have auto immune issues and there is a clotting disorder that can couple with that and cause pregnancy loss. I just want someone who will at least investigate that. If that makes sense?

Of course that makes sense. I had an early miscarriage, after having lost a baby at term. I did not think there was anything to that, just thought it was an awful double-whammy of random loss. It wasn't. I *do* have a deficiency and a clotting disorder. This was not known until my fourth pregnancy, when they ran an enormous number of tests.

[Hypatia.]

:grouphug:   We recently had a surprise pregnancy (I'm 40) and it ended in a miscarriage. While I wasn't surprised and I've had previous losses, it's been horrible to go through this again. We don't think I have any clotting disorders (though I'm compound heterozygous for MTHFR), but I had a pulmonary embolism during my last pregnancy and was lucky to survive, spent the rest of the pregnancy on Lovenox. I know the loss was probably due to chromosomal issues (looking at you, old eggs) but it's hard.

[StephanieZ]

I have no big advice and I adore babies and know plenty of women who had healthy, wonderful babies at your age or even in their early 40s.

 

But I would mention that, as you likely very well know, egg viability decreases a lot as you age, and approaching 40 means many of your eggs are probably not viable. That means that early miscarriage is pretty likely -- those unviable eggs that get popped out and fertilized but can't develop further . . . So, if you decide to proceed, I'd just try to make sure your head and heart are OK with the possibility of one or more additional pregnancy losses (and you may or may not ever get another healthy baby, despite any efforts). That's pretty much the thought process that allowed me to let go of the desire for "one more" after age 40 . . .

 

Even though I wanted another (dh didn't . . .), facing the likelihood of one or more pregnancy losses . . . and then not even being sure I'd *eventually* have another baby . . . just wasn't something I wanted/want to face. 

 

For me, I figured that if, say, at my age, my "support systems" (hormones, whatever) are not 100% and also say, 50% of my eggs were not viable, that meant that 1) I might not get pregnant at all. 2) it'd take longer to get pregnant if I could 3) some (large? say half?) of those pregnancies might end before birth because the egg (or environment) was sufficiently damaged not to permit full development and 4) some (smaller? say 1/10?) of those pregnancies might be viable but be a fetus with significant to serious birth defects resulting in late term loss or a severely handicapped child . . . and then, there's the goal . . . 5) the portion of pregnancies that might result in a healthy, wonderful, squishy, soft, sweet baby. What's that # for (5)? Maybe 30-40% on average for your age (with your own eggs)? Is that a high enough # to make it worth the risks? 

 

If the potential for (5) is enough to help you face (1-4) then, it's a win, and you just have to work through the potential pregnancy loss(es) en route . . . and hope for (5) . . . and of course do whatever you can to maximize the likelihood of (5) . . . 

 

Every pregnancy is a crap shoot and a numbers game . . . But the odds get longer as we age, so, for me, I tried to convince myself that I'd been very lucky to have had my 3 healthy pregnancies and 3 healthy kids . . . and I've now lived long enough to see lots of heartbreak in families who haven't been so lucky . . . and I didn't want to play those odds at this stage of my life. 

 

For me, at the end of the day, I realized that even if I could get dh on board, I wasn't willing to accept (1-4) for the hope of (5), so I closed the door and moved on . . . and am a decade or so away from grand babies if my kids cooperate, so I'll just wait for that. 

 

((((hugs)))) and best wishes!! 

[FaithManor]

Of course that makes sense. I had an early miscarriage, after having lost a baby at term. I did not think there was anything to that, just thought it was an awful double-whammy of random loss. It wasn't. I *do* have a deficiency and a clotting disorder. This was not known until my fourth pregnancy, when they ran an enormous number of tests.

Had a friend that went through this and her clotting disorder, had not it been discovered by a very thorough OB who went looking for answers, would have likely threatened her life.

 

So I agree. Sometimes if you can find out, it is in your own best interests to do so because some underlying issues are very serious. If they can't find anything, so be it, but it would be good to try to find out, and then go from there with decision making.

[BlsdMama]

I admit, I would love another little one.  At the same time, two years ago I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks and then again in April I miscarriage at 12 weeks.  I carried those pregnancies for 3-4 weeks after I knew the pregnancy would likely not make it and  the process was incredibly difficult.  I want a baby, but I don't want to go through THAT again.  I'm so torn.  Any experiences, thoughts, etc?  Words of encouragement or words of warning, all are welcome :)

 

ETA:  I'm 38 if that matters to anyone at all ;)

 

 

((((Hugs)))) We just had a traumatic miscarriage in December and another in June.  (I'm 39.)

 

I'd let it whirl around in your head a bit.  I had a miscarriage before Sarah (now 9) and Abigail (almost 10) and I'm glad for the babies that came after, kwim?  I can't help but think of the little people we wouldn't have if we had stopped because of miscarriage and it seems very worth it.  At the same time, I can totally understand and sympathize with not wanting to go through it.  If you are a praying woman I'd suggest prayer.  

[poppy]

I don't know if this is encouragement or warning, but, I thought about trying again at 37-38. I didn't.  Now I am 41 and I feel like it's really too late for me.  The anxiety I'd have over a risky later pregnancy, plus going through the exhaustion again..... it's just not happening.   So I do think there is a bit of "now or never" to your situation. 

 

But it's OK if it's never  It's OK to say, I am not going through that kind of miscarriage again (or FEAR of that the whole 1st trimester). It is hard,  but it's OK.  I'm not saying you shouldn't try, at all. There is always room for love for another baby! Just that if you don't want to try, you should give yourself permission to feel that way. It is reasonable. 

Edited July 4, 2016 by poppy

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

(((Hugs)))

[ktgrok]

I switched OB's before these miscarriages and they really haven't cared to investigate the why.  They have literally just shrugged it off.  I have decided that I am changing OBs.  I will find someone who will run some tests, etc and make sure this isn't a mama problem.  Because I'm over 35 they are assuming it is all genetic issues but what if it isn't?  I have auto immune issues and there is a clotting disorder that can couple with that and cause pregnancy loss.  I just want someone who will at least investigate that.  If that makes sense?

 

I think that is a great idea. You need to know why this is happening before you make a decision, or at least try to find out why. I think a Reproductive Endocrinologist would be the person to run the tests you need. Also, if nothing else is found and it is genetic (old eggs), DHEA has been shown to reduce miscarriage by up to 50%, and shown to reduce chromosome abnomalities. They are finding that the chromosome problems happen as the egg is maturing, and if you improve the ovarian environment at the time of maturation using DHEA and possibly CoQ10 as well, the eggs end up maturing properly and are more like the eggs of younger women. You would want to be on it for about 4 months, as that is how long it takes for the egg to go through the maturation cycle, before trying to conceive.

 

Hugs. 

[ktgrok]

Found some links about the DHEA. But in your situation, I'd want other tests done to make sure the issue is in fact chromosome issues. 12 weeks seems late to miscarry for that reason, I think it is more usually to have that happen a bit earlier on. (but could be wrong). I'd want to rule out other issues, for sure. https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/hormones-and-miscarriage/dhea-and-miscarriage

[Ann.without.an.e]

Found some links about the DHEA. But in your situation, I'd want other tests done to make sure the issue is in fact chromosome issues. 12 weeks seems late to miscarry for that reason, I think it is more usually to have that happen a bit earlier on. (but could be wrong). I'd want to rule out other issues, for sure. https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/hormones-and-miscarriage/dhea-and-miscarriage

 

 

This is my impression too - that most genetic miscarriages happen by 6-8 weeks.  This is why I am concerned that it has to do with *me*.  Thanks for the resources.

[wintermom]

So sorry for your losses. I've btdt at age 42. It's traumatic. I think the title of your thread is a big give-away that YOU aren't ready yet. Certainly, go through the testing you can to see if there is something you can control. Prayer can be really helpful, too. Hugs.

[Mabelen]

I had two miscarriages at week 9. One a few months before my oldest was conceived and another one 4 years after her birth. We tried again after the last miscarriage but didn't get pregnant for three years. At that point I was 39 and referred to the genetic specialist. They took pity on me and ordered a bunch of blood tests. It turned out I had a deficiency linked to a clotting disorder so I was put on Lovenox. The pregnancy went without a hitch but with a lot of monitoring. If you are open to another child, I would definitely make an appointment with a specialist to investigate the causes of your previous loses.

[Tita Gidge]

Hard decisions. :grouphug:

 

I am saddened to read of the losses experienced by the women here, and the sometimes resulting uncertainty that follows in subsequent pregnancies. I'm relieved to know that with some prodding and pushing to get doctors on board, today's medicine can troubleshoot and eliminate or reduce some of the issues that lead to these losses. It blows my mind what we know now, and can do to save babies and mamas.

 

OP, I don't know that there is ever a right answer. That makes it so much more difficult, doesn't it? Here's hoping you and DH can reach a decision together, and soon! Sometimes the indecision is harder to deal with than accepting a decision we're not fully on board with.

[Noreen Claire]

I had my 1st at 21, then my 2nd at 34. Then, I had miscarriages at 6wks, 9wks (twins), and 18+wks. Boy #3 was born when I was 37, and boy #4 two weeks before I turned 40. I am now 42 and due with baby #5 in October (just a week before boy #1 turns 21!  :ohmy: ).

 

My midwives offered us testing after the 3rd loss, if we wanted it. I chose to decline - but that's just me. They said that, sometimes, some women just get a run of bad luck. I couldn't imagine not having tried again after the losses, but I will admit that I do have pregnancy-induced anxiety now. It's better this time, but maybe it's just because I have more kids to look after and am old and tired!

 

I just wanted to share that it can happen. Rainbow babies are wonderful gifts. Whatever you chose, good luck to you.

[abcmommy]

two miscarriages is not really medically concerning. I do not think this indicates any need for specialists or anything out of the ordinary.  

 

But prayers for you as you make a decision for your family. 

[Crimson Wife]

My understanding is that most genetic losses happen early in the pregnancy (often before the woman even knows she is pregnant), not at 12-13 weeks along. With losses at the end of the 1st tri/beginning of the 2nd tri I would be looking at hormonal issues. My recommendation would be to see a fertility specialist.

[Crimson Wife]

If you are open to using acupuncture, there have been studies suggesting it can be helpful in getting and staying pregnant. I saw a naturopath when I was ttc my 2nd child and experiencing cycle irregularity. I was 28 and my OB at the time told me to come back in 6 months if I still wasn't pregnant :glare: 

 

The naturopath recommended dietary changes and a 12 week series of acupuncture. Within 6 weeks, my cycle had regularized and I was pregnant with my DS before I finished the 12 sessions I'd paid for.

[prairiewindmomma]

edited for privacy now that OP has seen my post :) 

 

Edited July 5, 2016 by kbeal

[wapiti]

There are (or were, a decade ago) only a handful of reproductive immunologists nationally.  I would highly recommend seeing one.  Here are a few sites:

 

Dr Carolyn Coulam, not sure if she is here http://www.reproductivemedicineinstitute.com/about-us/physicians or here  http://www.oakbrookfertility.com/pages/our-staff#Coulam)

 

http://www.repro-med.net (late Dr Beer clinic)

 

http://haveababy.com (Dr Sher)

 

http://www.immunologysupport.com (forums)

 

http://www.rialab.com (Dr Matzner)

Edited July 5, 2016 by wapiti

[Alexigail]

Hugs. Second trimester miscarriages are so tough - I've been through it.

 If you are still hoping to have more, I'd encourage you to look into the MTHFR mutation.  Many practitioners are willing to do the test after you've had more than one loss.  The problem is linked to miscarriage as well as autoimmune disorders but can often be treated with special types of folate.  Good luck to you and remember that whetever you decide is OK.  People heal differently and the fears we experience after these kinds of losses are real and can be long lasting.  

[UmmIbrahim]

I switched OB's before these miscarriages and they really haven't cared to investigate the why.  They have literally just shrugged it off.  I have decided that I am changing OBs.  I will find someone who will run some tests, etc and make sure this isn't a mama problem.  Because I'm over 35 they are assuming it is all genetic issues but what if it isn't?  I have auto immune issues and there is a clotting disorder that can couple with that and cause pregnancy loss.  I just want someone who will at least investigate that.  If that makes sense?

 

No good advice, but it sounds like you are on the right track. In working through medical issues with my extended family I am constantly amazed at the vast difference in care between a good doctor and a bad one. Switching sounds like a great idea and I hope you find one who will listen.

 

Regarding autoimmune issues, don't they stink? Prior to potentially trying again, getting your clotting condition under the best control that you can is a must. Seeing a hematologist/specialist and being in the best place you can be can help improve your outcomes. I have an autoimmune blood condition and pregnancy only exacerbates the problem, so you have to really make sure that you are getting good care from a competent medical "team," which will include your specialist and OB.

 

I like the advice about really taking your diet in hand and eating the best that you both can (we often forget that dad has an obligation too :) ) to improve the health of your reproductive cells.

 

Good luck to you!